Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Call Me Haagan Dazs
At JFK Airport in New York, the body of a stowaway has been found in the wheel well of a British Airways 747. The plane had just arrived from London, and it is the second such incident in a week. Officials are treating the incidents as serious breaches of security.

Huh? Not only is the guy already dead, he is most sincerely dead and frozen stiffer than a popsicle. How much of a threat can a bar of Good Humor ice cream be?

I would be much more worried if he were alive and armed with an almanac.

Jacko X
The Nation of Islam has apparently begun playing a role in the defense of Michael Jackson, though the group denies any "official" connection. If it does turn out to be true, however, it would be a shocking break with tradition.

The Nation of Islam has long been known for only helping black people.

Speaking Of Fruitcakes....
Congratulations to Sonya Thomas, who has won a fruitcake eating contest in Buffalo, NY. She ate over 14 pounds of the holiday "treat" in ten minutes. The contest was sponsored by a local foodbank, which was encouraging people to donate unwanted fruitcakes to the hungry.

Wait a minute.... Isn't giving massive amounts of food to known gluttons in order to feed the hungry and homeless something of an oxymoron?

Cardinal Renato Martino, a top Vatican official, says he feels sorry for Saddam Hussein because the former Iraqi was treated "like a cow".

It was not immediately clear if the Cardinal also felt sorry for the hundreds of thousands who suffered brutal deaths under Saddam's rule.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Well, Redskins coach Steve Spurrier is out. The former Florida State coach had arrived in DC two years amid high expectations, and instead accumulated a 12-20 record. His much ballyhooed "fun & gun" offense, which had worked wonders at the college level, simply misfired amid the pros. This past Sunday's 35-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles was a sad but appropriate way to wrap up his stay with the Redskins.

Still, we here in DC have to wonder how much of the teams' problems lie with the coaching, and how much with the ownership. Daniel Snyder, who has controlled the Skins since shortly after the death of the beloved Jack Kent Cooke, has, over his brief tenure, gained quite a reputation as being meddlesome.

Personally, I think he's a spoiled little brat with a Napoleon complex. But don't quote me....

And while on the subject of football, here's my Super Bowl prediction: The New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles, with the Eagles coming out on top. I've been betting against Philly all season, and it's cost me a fortune. So I may as well bet on them for once.

I should point out, however, that it's not my fault I kept betting against the Eagles. I was simply remembering what Rush Limbaugh said back in September: That Eagles QB Donovan McNabb was overrated by the media because he's black. I've always had great faith in whatever Rush says, and have always been a fervent follower of his "teachings." Instead, the Eagles have won their division, and McNabb is considered to be a serious contender for the League's 2003 MVP.

Well, that's what I get for listening to a drug addict.

Monday, December 29, 2003

New Terror Level: Code Absurd
This is no joke: The FBI has now issued a bulletin warning local police to be on the lookout for people with almanacs. The concern is that terrorists may use the reference books to research potential targets.

This is truly shocking news!! I didn't even know they still made almanacs!

Well Hung
Michael Jackson appeared on 60 Minutes last night in an absolutely hilarious bid to clear his name. When asked if he still thought it was okay for him to sleep with children, Jackson said, "Why not? If you're going to be a pedophile, if you're going to be Jack the Ripper, if you're going to be a murderer, it's not a good idea. That I am not."

It was at that point that Jackson's legal team decided to give up and just commit mass suicide.

In an effort to calm public fears about contaminated beef, the Bush Administration has announced that it has former Iraqi weapons inspectors searching for the origins of that sick cow.

A Note To Both My Regular Readers
Those of you who have occasionally left comments will know that I had been using squawkbox for the commenting. Unfortunately, their service was not without its problems, chief among those being the difficulty in linking back to your sites. Also, on the rare occasions that they choose to respond to your inquiries, they refer you to their "forum" section rather than actually take the time to simply answer a customer's question.

My close, personal friends Kim and Osama have been using Haloscan with great success on their own sites. And since I am but a mere lamb willing to blindly follow my leaders anywhere they decide to go, I have decided to switch MM&M to Halscan's service as well.

At the moment, all the November and December comments you've made have been moved over. Over the course of the next week or so, I'll be moving the rest of your comments over as well.

And no, this does NOT mean that I now owe you FOUR cents for your past comments....

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Finally, some non-terror news from the world of aviation....

Over the years, a number of airlines have experimented with all-female flight crews to attract more male passengers. In a twist, Skynet Asia Airways is offering all-male flight crews in order to attract more female passengers.

In a major setback to the experiment, the pilots got lost and the plane arrived four late because they refused to ask for directions.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

----------Rex Babin, Sacramento Bee

Friday, December 26, 2003

Maybe It Was That Metric/English Conversion Thing In Reverse This Time
It now appears that the European Space Agency's attempt to land a probe on the surface of Mars has failed. On the other hand, it's not clear why this spacecraft was launched in the first place.

I thought only Americans had permission to screw up missions to Mars.

Fly The Scary Skies, Part II
French authorities have questioned and released several men who were scheduled to fly to the US from Paris on Air France 68. Acoording to the French, there was no evidence that these individuals had any plans to hijack the plane and crash it into an American target.

Well, let's hope not. But we must also keep in mind that it was the French who interrogated Richard Reid in 2001 after he was pulled from an American Airlines plane in Paris because he was acting suspiciously. They eventually concluded he was harmless and allowed him to leave Paris the next day on another American Airlines flight. That was the plane Reid tried to blow up over the Atlantic by lighting the explosives hidden in his shoes.

So you'll have to excuse me if my confidence in the abilities of French interrogators is less than overwhelming.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Here's wishing everyone Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

----------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star-Ledger

Oh, and don't forget to duck when the time comes....

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Fly the Scary Skies
I don't know about anyone else, but my freakout meter just went up another notch. Air France, in response to specific threats, has canceled six flights between Los Angeles and Paris over the next three days. This comes on top of tough security measures already in place at LAX.

Well, that's all fine and dandy for now, but what have we accomplished in the longer term? If no one has actually been arrested, what's to keep these people from getting on a plane next month instead? Or rebooking their flights out of San Diego?

What makes this most recent Code Orange alert different from others we've had since 9-11-01 is that previous warnings in Turkey and Saudi Arabia have proven to remarkably prescient. Western intelligence services have obviously refined their techniques over the past year. That should give this latest report of "increased chatter" more credibility.

Bad Moos
The once secure American beef industry has been rocked by news that a case of "mad cow" disease has turned up in Washington state.

No word on what Rosie O'Donnell was doing in Washington state in the first place.

Send in the Clones
Texas A & M has announced that it has successfully cloned a whitetailed deer.

Jesus H. Frikkin' Christ!!! Don't we have enough damn deer as it is?!? You see the remains of the stupid things littering the sides of highways like beer cans, and now some geeky scientists are wasting valuable time and resources to make even more of them? What are they thinking?

These people should be cloning something worthwhile.... Like more Paris Hiltons.

I know I wouldn't mind having one of those around.

On Alert
The nation continues at Code Orange for terror attack even as it celebrates a beef-free Christmas Eve. Overall, most people seem to be dealing with the heightened risk of fiery death and utter destruction in a cool, calm, and collected manner.

Rats Leaving A Sinking Ship?

Blogspot has long had a reputation of being unreliable and riddled with frequent software problems. Unfortunately, its recent purchase by Google has not served to clear up the problems.

There had been a longstanding problem with the archiving of material that was finally cleared up this past summer. However, other issues remain, and new ones crop up. Most recently, a number of sites have been hit with disappearing templates. In addition to rendering one's site unavailable to readers, it costs a lot of time and effort to rebuild. And certain information, such as links, are lost for good. Then there's the pesky problem of posts that disappear when you publish them. I have learned to save material to my clipboard until I'm certain it has actually shown up on the site.

Several former blogspot people have since switched. Norman Geras recently moved to typepad, and today I get word that Aaron the Liberal Slayer has also fled the scene of the blogspot wreck.

As for me, well, Michael Jackson and are I staying on board the Titanic with the women and children. And just to set the record straight: I'll be keeping myself preoccupied with the women, while Jacko tends to the kids.

Monday, December 22, 2003

The flu has now been classified as being "widespread" in 36 states. This year's outbreak has hit earlier than usual, but it remains to be seen if the current strain is actually more virulent than the ones of recent years.

Health experts say that the single best way to avoid catching the flu is stop picking your nose.

Well, that's just frikkin' great!! Another cherished personel freedom has gone down the drain in this post 9-11 world of ours.

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Sunday, December 21, 2003

The Department of Homeland Insecurity has raised the terror alert level to Code Orange, or high. The action is based on increased "chatter" and government officials fear that death and destruction is imminent.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!!

Saturday, December 20, 2003

People sometimes ask if I've finished putting up my Christmas tree. They seem to be under the mistaken idea that you need one to fully get into the spirit of Christmas. But I just don't get that.

Putting up a tree is nothing more than a major hassle. First of all, you have to go out and buy the stupid thing, lash it to the top of your car, drag it inside, etc. And when the tree isn't busy shedding its needles, it's busy using them to poke your arms. Then you have to drag out the lights and spend an hour trying to get them untangled. Once that's done, you have to dig the decorations out of the attic. And God help you if you're decorating the tree with a Significant Other. Because that's when you're faced with a whole other pile of stuff to worry about:

1) The tree's leaning to the left.
2) Now it's leaning to the right.
3) The Angel on top is crooked.
4) No, it's not. It's perfectly straight.
5) It is TOO bent. Just look at it. What's wrong with you? Are you blind?
6) Are the colors properly balanced throughout the tree?
7) What do you mean "balanced?" A Christmas tree isn't supposed to be "balanced." It should have splashes of color. Like in nature. Nature isn't balanced, it's random.
8) Nature? Don't be stupid. It's an aluminum tree, for crying out loud, and you're worried about whether it will appear "natural?" Besides, I've never seen a tree in nature with little tiny baby Jesuses hanging from its branches.
9) You don't have to get snippy about it.
10) I'm not the one who's getting snippy here.
11) And what is THAT supposed to mean?
12) My mother warned me not to marry you!
13) Take your crap and get out!!!!

So as you can see, while it may seem that two people can decorate a tree twice as fast as one, it's not always the case. Sometimes one person can do it much more efficiently. Or better yet, don't put a tree up at all. Just do what I do to get into the holiday spirit.

Wait till late at night, say around ten or eleven. Then just go for a walk through your neighborhood, periodically pausing to peek through someone else's windows. That will give you a true sampling of a whole lot of different trees. Then, in your mind's eye, you can meld those different samplings into one idyllic tree that's perfect for you.

Plus, in these impersonal times of ours, it will enable you to get to know your neighbors better. Much MUCH better! And really, isn't that what the Christmas spirit is all about?

Friday, December 19, 2003

----------Ramirez, LA Times

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Keiko the Whale, who starred in Free Willy, Free Willy II, Willy Rides Again, The Return of Willy, The Revenge of Willy, and Willy vs. Jason and Freddy: The Final Showdown, recently died and has been buried in a Norweigian field.

It was a private funeral, attended only by a few close personal friends, relatives, and the crane operator.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Volvo has a team of 100 female engineers designing a car for women. The concept car, which may not necessarily end up being put into production, includes features such as no hood, gull-wing doors, and a headrest with a valley down the center for women who wear their hair in ponytails. Additionally, the car will send a message to a local service when it is due for service, be easy to clean, become cranky once a month, and complain of a hoodache whenever a man tries to drive it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Early Christmas Presents

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star


Is That A Tree In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
The Strzinek family Of Springfield decorated a live, six foot pine tree in their front yard with Christmas Lights. That's the sort of thing that would brighten any neighborhood.

Unless someone steals it, of course.

On the one hand, it's good that the thief was eager to get into the holiday spirit, regardless of his/her circumstances. Then again, isn't stealing someone else's tree kind of defeating the whole purpose of Christmas?

What the hell.... Think I'll go mug a Salvation Army bell ringer.

At Least He Loves SOMETHING About America
Word is that when Saddam was found, he had $750,000 in US currency with him. Apparently, he was just getting ready to go to the store and buy a toothbrush from Haliburton.

----------Jack Ohman, The Oregonian

Monday, December 15, 2003

On A Serious Note...
As many of you probably already know, many of the troops in Iraq who go on leave are flown into either BWI (in Baltimore) or Hartsfield (in Atlanta) airports. What you may NOT know, however, is that once they land at one of those airports, they're on their own. So if their hometown is, say, Boise, it falls on them to buy the necessary tickets.

Congressman Dutch Ruppersberger of Maryland has set up a website which allows people to donate frequent flier miles to help these soldiers get ALL the way home.
So if you have excess miles you'd like to donate to a worthy cause, here's the website. Likewise, if you know of a road warrior who has more miles than he/she knows what to do with, pass this info along to them.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Well, the Ace of Spades has been captured.


My inside sources tell me that Saddam's laptop and wireless connection were discovered during a body cavity search, and quickly confiscated. This would seem to indicate he's made his last blog entry.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

US air carriers are moving towards the day they begin offering direct flights to Vietnam. One remaining hurdle is determining if 747s can safely land on the roof of the former US embassy in Saigon.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Jerry Kilgore Replaces Superman As My Favorite Hero
In a stunning move, Virginia Attorney General Jerry Kilgore has announced the arrest of two notorious spammers in North Carolina. Jeremy Jaynes and Richard Rutowski were indicted and taken into custody under the Old Dominion's strict ant-spamming laws, which ban the deliberate disguising of the source of bulk email. And even though the spam originated in a neighboring state, Virginia was able to indict the senders because several email providers have servers in the state.

The suspects are currently awaiting extradition to Virginia.

Thanks to their enormous penises, access to unlimited amounts of Viagra, and pictures of hot teenage lesbians playing with produce, Jaynes and Rutowski are expected to be QUITE popular with the other inmates.

Merry Christmas And Goodbye
Beleagured America Online has announced another 350 job cuts, mostly at its west coast operations. The once proud internet giant has lost 2 million subscribers over the past year as more and more people switch to broadband providers, or cheaper dialup services.

In an attempt to put a positive spin on otherwise bad news, AOL is dubbing the cutbacks "Layoff 9.0."

So far it's full of glitches.

Sir Mick
Congratulations to Mick Jagger, who is being knighted by Queen Elizabeth today. Then afterwards, her Highness will participate in a cermony marking the official final death throes of the once mighty British Empire.

----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

Thursday, December 11, 2003

One of the most popular radio stations in the DC area is WTOP, which has an all news format. Part of its appeal, of course, is that most DC residents are boring people who get their rocks off on a constant flow of news. But another big source of WTOP's popularity is that it does traffic reports every ten minutes, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. That may not be a feature that would excite the residents of, say, Boise, Idaho, but it IS important to those of us who have to drive in DC traffic.

The station is so popular that in the Arbitron ratings, WTOP's morning news team of Richard Day and Mike Moss often rival New York shock jock Howard Stern. Now these are two guys that definitely know what's going on in the world.

And any time some major weather event occurs, they're right on top of it. In fact, any time there are power outages that leave numerous intersections with darkened traffic signals, the station's traffic reporters are quick to admonish us to "treat those intersections as four way stops." And if heavy rains flood low lying roads, they're the first to tell us not drive through such areas "because you never know how deep the water is." Sensible advice, indeed, and certainly words that the station's top on-air guys would live by. Right?

Well, um.....

Last night DC was hit with heavy rains and warm temperatures. That's not a particularly good combination when you also have a substantial amount of snow on the ground. Consequently, many roads flooded, resulting in a number of rescues of motorists (no fatalities or injuries, but a lot of bruised egos). And this news was faithfully reported this morning by the team of Moss and... er..., Moss. Wait! Where's Richard Day? How come he's not at work today?

Well, it seems he tried to drive his car through three feet of water. Apparently, Mini Coopers don't handle that sort of thing very well.

Maybe he was busy listening to an adult contemporary station at the time.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Pass the Percocet
Word is that rocker Ozzy Osbourne is recuperating from injuries he suffered in the crash of his all terrain vehicle the other day. However, he remains largely incoherent and unintelligible from being so heavily medicated.

In other words, he's already back to being his old self.

For Whom the Bell Tolls
A Salvation Army bell ringer in Fredericksburg, VA was robbed of her kettle loaded with coins and dollar bills.

You know, if you're so desperate that you'll sink to stealing from the Salvation Army, chances are you probably qualify for their help in the first place.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Shake, Rattle & Roll
Virginia had a small earthquake earlier today, measuring about 4.5 on the ol' Richter Scale. Many people felt it, while many others didn't. I was among those who missed it. There was some minor damage in Nelson County west of Richmond where the quake was centered, but that's it.

I hate to say this, but I'm rather disappointed. It seems like we get a small trembler in this area every couple of years, but nothing serious ever results. No collapsed buildings, flaming gas mains, or ruptured fire hydrants spewing water 30 feet into the air.

What a horrible waste of seismic activity....

One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

This morning I found myself in a notoriously bad part of town, but I was there on a mission. So I sought out the seediest, nastiest looking dealer of illicit pharmaceuticals I could find and approached him with a wad of twenties.

"Yo, bro," I said, trying to sound like I was happenin' with the street lingo.

"Yo," he said. He eyed me suspiciously, trying to figure out if I was a narc.

So I flashed my stash. "I'm looking for the good stuff. You got it, my man?"

"Maybe." He said.

I slipped him $300 and, after nervously looking up & down the street, he discreetly gave me "the product."

And so that's how I came to find myself in a boarded up crackhouse, with heroin addicts passed out on the floor in puddles of their own bodily fluids, shooting myself up with flu vaccine.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Monday, December 08, 2003

Here's another great way to cut down on your Christmas shopping:

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Well, I'm glad to report that I've now finished my holiday shopping. I've never been particularly fond of crowds, and I especially fear the madness that grips shopping mall parking lots every December. So this year, in an effort to avoid the looniness and preserve my sanity, I decided to all my gift buying online.

Fortunately, I didn't have very far to look. I simply took advantage of some of the fabulous offers that fill my in box each and every day.

That's right: I'm giving everyone on my Christmas list penis enlargement pills.

----------Jim Borgman, Cincinnati Inquirer

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Perhaps it's just my love of conspiracy theories getting the better of me, but I have come to firmly believe that weather forecasters love to doctor their predictions during the winter. Maybe they're in cahoots with the grocery stores who get flooded with panicked shoppers whenever the word "snow" is mentioned, or maybe they do it to simply boost their own ratings. But whatever the reason may be, there's definitely something fishy going on.

Granted, Thursday night we got a few inches of snow that they had said we would. But all day yesterday, the weather mystics were warning us that we were going to get a second, much bigger storm that would dump an additional 5"-10" on us. We were being told as late as eight o'clock last night that this new superstorm would be upon us before midnight.

Guess what?

Didn't happen.

Oh, we got maybe a dusting of fresh powder, but certainly not anything even remotely approaching five inches. All I had to do was sneeze on my car this morning, and that cleared the snow off the windshield. Of course, then I had to go back inside and get a roll of paper towels to clean the all the snot off the glass, but that's a separate issue.

Yeah, yeah, I know that weather forecasting is not that easy. But these people are wrong more often than they're right. Hell, with their degree of accuracy, they may as well get jobs with the Bush Administration predicting the location of weapons of mass destruction.

Friday, December 05, 2003

A publicist for Geena Davis has announced that the Oscar winning actress will be having twins.

Coincidentally, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner has announced that he, too, is having twins. Right now. At this very moment.

Then later tonight he'll have some triplets.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow....
Saw my first snowflake of the season, and the forecast is for up to 3" of the stuff overnight. So naturally I joined my fellow lemmings in a state of panic and immediately rushed down to the grocery store. And like everyone else, I stocked up on bread, milk, and toilet paper.

On the other hand, I'm not sure what good all this stuff will do me. I have nothing to put on the bread, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm constipated.

Forget the WMD's, Go After the Spammers
On Dec 2 I wrote about Charles Booker's case of spam rage. In the comments, reader Danne says that Sweden is currently working on legislation to outlaw spam.

That's may sound fine & dandy on the surface, but what exactly will it accomplish? Probably not much. The U.S. congress has been debating such laws for a while now, and several individual states have instituted them individually. But the problem is that many spammers originate their mailings from overseas, or else go to extraordinary length to disguise their points of origin. For them, evading laws and spam filters is like some sort of game, with you and I as the pawns. So how does country A go about stopping a spammer traced to country B? In many cases, law enforcement agencies are unwilling or unable to stop them.

The only answer is military intervention.

Forget Iraq, and to hell with the War on Terror. If we are going to get serious about stopping spam, it's time to start kicking some ass. No matter how much these people may try to disguise their IP addresses, the United States intelligence community has the resources to crack their codes. Then we tell the nations harboring spammers to give them up, or else the JDAM's start falling.

This is one military campaign that the world is certain to support.

Yes, even the French.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

A Good Excuse to Speed
A gunman has been targeting motorists along a stretch of I-270 near Columbus, Ohio. Although the investigators there are reluctant to characterize the shooter as a "sniper," that's essentially the situation they are faced with. Ohio authorities have gone as far as to contact members of the DC area sniper task force from last year for possible tips.

Yeah, that should prove to be helpful.

As you may recall, DC area officials did a wonderful job of putting an end to that string of shootings when they devoted virtually all their resources to looking for a highly intelligent lone Caucasian man driving a late model white van with a roof rack. This profile was pretty much right on the money, except for the minor detail that the "suspect" turned out to be TWO black guys.... Who were dumb as bricks.... And driving a 12 year old Chevrolet Caprice.

Where's Clarence the Angel When You Really Need Him?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Most of the time when we hear of "martyrdom," we think of those wacky terrorists who blow themselves up, all for a chance to get laid by virgins.

But not all martyrs are necessarily in the middle east. Take the case of one Charles Booker, who recently got himself arrested in an effort to create a better world. His sacrifice of personal freedom may yet benefit anyone who uses a computer.

Booker had been bombarded by spam and pop-up ads promising, um, "personal growth" once too often. He tracked down the Canadian company that was responsible for the deluge of penile insults, and begged them to stop. When they instead stepped up their efforts to sell Booker miracle pills, he threatened to send the company anthrax spores. He then went on to threaten to shoot one of their employees, and then torture other employees with drill bits and ice picks. When that still didn't work, he threaten to hunt them down and castrate them.

It's still not entirely clear what Booker did wrong, but he was eventually arrested for his valiant efforts. He is currently free on a $75,000 bond.

You know, if every email user in the world sent this guy a single penny, he would be able to mount a legal defense that would put O.J.'s to shame.

Monday, December 01, 2003

In what he hopes is NOT the beginning of a long holiday tradition, former Baltimore Oriole and baseball great Cal Ripken found a naked man who had been shot banging on his front door Thanksgiving night. The victim, a Brian Robins of Baltimore, told police he been kidnapped earlier in the day. Then that evening his abductors told him to remove his clothes and run. Robins complied, and as he began to flee, he was shot in the back. Robins then made his way to a nearby house, which turned out to be Ripken's.

Robins should be thankful he didn't end up naked at Michael Jackson's house.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

I saw a VA license plate today that really irked me: MEAT KLZ. If there's one group of people that are sure to get on my nerves, it's those self-righteous vegetarian types. But to actually put their message on a license plate and proclaim to the world that they are somehow better than the rest of us who remain stuck in the omnivore stage of evolution is the height of arrogance.

Here's a point to ponder: If a vegan drives (or even rides in) a car or bus, aren't they violating their belief system? After all, vegans not only avoid meat, they avoid ALL animal products, including eggs, milk, cheese, and even clothing made from leather. But if they use transportation powered by gasoline or diesel fuel, they're using precious fossil fuel which is derived from... Dead dinosaurs!!!! Now, I may be wrong about this, but weren't dinosaurs animals?

Anyway, I grabbed a half-eaten hot dog off the floor of the passenger seat, pulled alongside the vegetarian scum, and threw it at the driver. This apparently startled them so much that they lost control of the car, veered off the highway, smashed into a tree, and burst into flames.

Hmmm.... Guess the license plate was right after all.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Thursday, November 27, 2003


Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Researchers say they have discovered that some species of octopus have erectile tissue in their tentacles.

Well, that's it then. No more calamari for me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Normally I try to come up with something amusing to share with my readers.... And please know that I value both of you very much. However, it's time for me to depart from the norm and briefly get serious about the deteriorating situation in Iraq.

A year ago I was a reluctant supporter of Bush and his plans for regime change in that troubled country. After all, this was the President who had led us to a brilliant military victory in Afghanistan. So when he said Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and was working with known terrorist groups, I believed him. Whatever reservations I may have had about another war stemmed from the fact that while we may have achieved victory in Afghanistan--for the moment at least--we still had not gotten Osama bin Laden. If we had captured him, or confirmed his death, then I would have had no qualms about going after Hussein.

But Bush had already committed the nation to a course of action in Iraq. By the end of last year there was simply no going back. To do so would have made the United States look weak in the eyes of our enemies. That perception, in turn, would have led to more attacks against us. That's why the Administration had my support. And that is also why I felt the antiwar protestors were wrong: It was obvious we were going in, and all their screaming and yelling would accomplish nothing.

Well, actually, I think they did accomplish ONE thing: They--as well as France and Germany--gave Hussein false hope that Bush would back off at some point. Had the international community been more unified behind us, I still believe Saddam would have realized the futility of his position, left Iraq, and gone into exile.

So when Baghdad fell on April 9, and I saw the jubilation in the streets, I felt the United States and England had been vindicated. And with our brilliant military strategy triumphant, it was now time to institute our brilliant plan to rebuild iraq. Only.... Well.... Er.... We didn't have one.

As the days without electrity became weeks and months, resentment at our continued prescence grew. If we had at least been accomplishing something tangible that the citizens could see, it would have been different. But we didn't, and it soon became painfully obvious that someone had dropped the ball. Also, as the months have gone on, the ferocity and sophistication of the attacks against our people has been increasing.

So where do we stand now? Well, we're no longer losing an average of one soldier a day, but several. And that's not even counting the toll of wounded, who very often require extensive surgeries, artificial limbs, and lengthy physical rehabilitation. And we still have no WMD's to point at to justify our little foolhardy misadventure. Nor has any evidence surfaced that Hussein had ties to Al Qaeda prior to the war. Now, however, it has become painfully apparent that assorted groups are taking advantage of the postwar anarchy to go in and wreak havoc. Additionally, since we lost our focus on Afghanistan, that country is slowly slipping back into chaos.

But simply packing up and bringing our forces home is not an option either. We went into that country and eliminated its government. To leave them now would be irresponsibility of the highest order. On the other hand, they don't want us there, and the members of the Iraqi Governing Council are basically targets. Simply put, we are stuck.

That is why I simply cannot vote for Bush next year. This is unfortunate, since I don't think I've ever voted for a Democrat. But he has put our nation into a position from which it will difficult to recover. Not only are we stuck in Iraq, but all the international goodwill that was bestowed upon us in the wake of 9-11 has been pissed away.

I hate offering criticism without also offering possible solutions, but I simply don't see any.

All my feelings about Iraq came to a head this past Thursday. You see, I drive a cab, and I had picked up a semi-regular passenger. He's an older gentleman, and a nice guy. While we were stuck in traffic, he sat in the back reading my copy of USAToday. Then I hear him using his cellphone to call someone. It was his wife, and he proceeds to tell her about something he just saw in the paper. One of the soldiers killed in last weekend's collision of the Blackhawk helicopters was a Joey Whitener, the 19 year old son of some good friends of theirs. By the end of the conversation, the man was softly sobbing into the phone. I later came to find out that this man and his wife had known the son since he was a toddler. Upon leaving the military, Joey was planning to go to college, and eventually, medical school.

Sometimes war is a necessity, and sometimes war is a waste.

And I'm sorry, but this one's a waste.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Scientist type people have concluded that global warming should lead to better wine. The theory is that vintages improve with rising temperatures.

So even if the world's changing climate ultimately leads to the collapse of civilization and the extinction of mankind, at least we'll be too drunk to give a crap.


----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday


----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Friday, November 21, 2003

Greetings, Earthlings.

Take me to your children.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Wacko Update

CBS has now officially pulled the plug on that Michael Jackson special scheduled for next week. The network will instead fill the time slot with a very special episode of CSI: Neverland Ranch.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

There is late breaking word that Michael Jackson has mounted one of his pet llamas and is leading police on a wild low speed chase towards the Mexican border.

The suits at CBS has been having a rough month. Under intense pressure from Republicans and other red-blooded Americans, they recently pulled the Reagan movie from their schedule. That move, in turn, set off howls of protests and charges of "caving in" from the America hating Democrats.

Now with yesterday's raid at Neverland Ranch, the fate of the network's planned Michael Jackson special--tentatively scheduled for next week--is uncertain. If the network airs it, they run the risk of offending anyone and everyone with a minimal of sense common decency. But if they again cave in and yank the program, then they risk alienating 45 year old men who log into teen chatrooms and pretend to be 14 year old cheerleaders.

Such a dilemma.

Despite all the controversy, the network is sure to preserve at least some of its former dignity with tonight's Victoria Secrets special.

Word is that authorities in London probing a security breach at Buckingham Palace. Heck, it was probably just Prince Charles looking for his butler.


Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Well, former child star turned human hermaphrodite Michael Jackson is back in the news. His Neverland Ranch was visited by 20 deputies armed with a search warrant. No official word on what they were looking for, but it probably wasn't autographed copies of his latest release. Hell, no one's looking for that....

But why do the authorities keep harassing Michael? Are they jealous of the attention he receives from little boys who otherwise won't listen to their own fathers? Is it because no one can moonwalk like him.... Except maybe Neil Armstrong? What?

They should just leave the poor man (or whatever) alone. Let him do whatever it is he wants to do in the privacy of his home.

The people the cops should be going after are the parents stupid enough to leave their kids alone with a known child molester. I mean, who are these people? Don't they know Jackson's history? It's these parents who should be arrested, beaten, dope slapped, and have their parenting licenses revoked.

Oh, wait.... Parents don't need licenses, do they? Guess that explains a lot.... About the world as a whole, actually.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

There's an old joke that says if a person's last words on Earth were "Hey, watch this," then alcohol was probably involved.

It is not known for sure if those were Christopher Loughrey's last words, but alcohol was involved when he and a buddy decided to go "surfing" on top of a moving subway car in New York city. His subsequent encounter with a low clearance overpass earned Chris a certain nomination for a Darwin Award, and also served to raise the collective IQ of the human gene pool just a bit.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Evidently the Saudis haven't heard of Roy Horn.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Daily News

Friday, November 14, 2003

Since time immemorial, man has wondered how the world will end. Would it be by fire or by ice? A nuclear holocaust, or the resulting nuclear winter? Greenhouse gasses suffocating all animal life on Earth? Rogue asteroid strike? A mutant viral outbreak? Famine? An alien invasion from a distant star system? The possible reasons for mankind's eventual demise are mind boggling.

However, one potential cause that has rarely been considered is suddenly turning into the leading contender: Advertising run amock.

Please understand that I have no problem with advertising on TV. I understand that broadcast television is an otherwise free service available to all Americans, and that it is through the selling of commercials that the industry is able to pay its electric bills while paying a million bucks per actor per episode of Friends. Quite frankly, that's NOT a bill I would like receive in the mail on a weekly basis.

Advertising in newspapers and magazines I can live with. It helps offset the cost of all that paper and ink, as well as the reporters salaries. Again, that's understandable.

Junk mail, however, begins to push the limits of my tolerance. It requires a certain degree of effort to sort through one's postal mail and pick out the important pieces while discarding catalogues I never requested or coupon books I'll never redeem.

But the naming of stadiums is over the top. Who was the genius who first came up with the idea of charging a company $20 million to slap their name on a sports venue? Better yet, who was the genius who first agreed to pay the 20 million? There was a time not so long ago that stadiums were named for dead people (Jack Kent Cooke Stadium or Wrigley Field) or geographic features of a city (Three Rivers Stadium or Mile High Stadium). But what the hell is a Qualcomm Field, and how do you even spell it?

Now even movie theaters are getting into the act. I've already paid eight or nine dollars for the privilige of sitting in a darkened auditoreum while my blood pressure skyrockets because the idiots in the row behind me won't shut up. And that's NOT including the additional seven bucks for a flat drink and stale popcorn! So in light of all this money I've just shelled out, why I am I being subjected to more ads? And I'm not talking about the trailers, which I can live with. I'm talking about paying out my hard earned money for the privilege of watching a Pontiac car commercial on a two story high screen? Who's bright idea was that? More importantly, why do we tolerate it?

And then there's email spam, which is rapidly clogging the internet. Despite the extraordinary efforts of you and I to block the stuff, it just keeps coming and coming, multiplying like some sort of evil lifeform. And spammers seem to delight in finding new ways to circumvent filters and clog our inboxes. But why? Can't they understand that the whole reason we're blocking them in the first frikkin' place is that we don't want their crap?

And if that's not bad enough, now spammers are going after cellphones and weblogs. Again, what makes them think I want to use up the precious airtime on my phone--airtime I pay for--reading text messages about Viagra and low mortgage rates?

Even subway systems are beginning to fall victim to the scourge of advertising run amock. DC's Metro system, which thus far has been a class operation and a point of pride for our nation's capital, is considering selling ad space on its railcars. Another idea is to install lit signboards in the tunnels that become a "movie" as the train goes by at 60 mph.

Personally, I'd prefer annihilation by asteroid.

----------Jim Borgman, Cincinnati Inquirer

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Today's big story in DC--aside from from the sniper trials, Iraq, the Senate's all night session, Anthrax scares, small planes encroaching on the no-fly zones around the White House & Capitol, and the threat of an imminent fiery Armageddon--is the wind. With gusts of up to 60 mph, numerous trees have come down and scattered power outages have resulted.
It's always a hoot to hear the traffic reporters on the radio when they say, "If you encounter a traffic signal that's out, treat it as a four way stop." HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Yeah, right. That approach may actually work on inhabited planets elsewhere in this vast universe of ours, but it ain't gonna make the cut here on Earth.
Everyone knows that in the real world you and I exist in, the larger vehicle has the right of way. Unless, of course, two Hummer H2's happen to encounter each other at a darkened intersection simultaneously. In that event, the drivers must exit their vehicles, hurl verbal abuse at one another, and then engage in fisticuffs.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Today is Tonya Harding's 33rd birthday. She celebrated it by beating the sh*t out of her cake with a lead pipe.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Tom Selleck will portray General Dwight Eisenhower in an upcoming A & E network TV movie. As always with such projects, produders will exercise a certain degree of creative license. For example, in this version of his life story, Ike will have a sexy mustache, land on the Normandy coast wearing shorts and flip flops, and drive through western Europe in a bright red Ferrari.
No word on who will portray his man-servant.

Monday, November 10, 2003

That Sinking Feeling

Today marks the 28th anniversary of the sinking of the Gordon Lightfoot, which went down in Lake Superior after striking an iceberg. The tragedy was later immortalized in Canadian singer Edmund Fitzgerald's famous song, "The Wreck of the Gordon Lightfoot."

Or something like that.


Never Satisfied

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Here's a tip for any of you who may suffer from insomnia: Watch a lunar eclipse.

Friday, November 07, 2003

Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks--the group that sparked a firestorm of controversy last winter with leader Natalie Maines' anti-Bush comment--and her husband are expecting twins.
In a compromise move intended to satisfy both critics and fans, Maguire plans to raise one of the children as a God-faring patriotic Republican, while the other will be raised as an atheistic America-hating Democratic.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I caught The Matrix Revolutions earlier and--while I still don't have a clue as to what the hell is going on--found it quite impressive. The battle for Zion was particularly riveting. Expect this baby to do quite well aat the box office.
After watching the movie I decided to check out the reviews, and sure enough, most of them are negative. Why do critics always pan the movies that Joe Q. Public loves? My poersonal theory is that it's because they're stuck-up elitists who are full of themselves.
Most reviewers inevitably end up talking about things like like character development. Stephen Hunter in The Washington Post seemed to be especially stuck on this point. Well, that may be important if you're taking a writing course in graduate school. But do most of us out here in the real world honestly care about what a character's motivations are? I would venture to say "no."
When we shell out eight or nine bucks for a movie--assuming we're not also buying a "small" 32 ounce soda for $3.50--we expect to be entertained. That's OUR motivation. And for guys that usually translates into lots of explosions and spectacular shots of cleavage. And while Matrix only had one reasonable cleavage scene, it did have LOTS of explosions.
If professional movie reviewers grasp this concept, then the rest of us may start more attention to their opinions.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Remember ugly-as-a-horse Linda Tripp, who ratted out Monica Lewinsky's "non-sexual" affair with Bill Clinton? She has received a $595,000 settlement for having had her confidential personnel records leaked to the press.
Hmmmm.... $595,000? Wonder if that babe is still single?

Monday, November 03, 2003

Congratulations to rap star Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs, who successfully completed the grueling New York City Marathon. He finished the 26.2 mile race in a respectable 4:14:54.
Puff's time could have been even better, except he ended up wasting 15 minutes returning fire after the starter pistol went off.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Pamela Anderson has written a letter to KFC head David Novak requesting a meeting to discuss the conditions under which the company raises its chickens. Specifically--and I'm not making this part up--she said "I must admit from the outset that I can't understand why a company that claims to care about animal welfare would continue to allow chickens to be bred and drugged to be so top-heavy that they can barely walk."
Shortly afterwards, the National Weather Service was forced to issue a severe irony alert.

Actress Renee Zellweger has reportedly gained more than 20 pounds for her part in the sequel to Bridget Jones.
Of course, she is not the first actor or actress to go to such extremes for a role. For example, Sly Stallone put on some 30 pounds for Copland. And back in the late '70's, Marlon Brando packed on an estimated 25 million billion metric tons for the original Superman, in which he played the planet Krypton.


----------Greg Varvel, Indianapolis Star


Saturday, November 01, 2003

What is art? Hard to say sometimes, but apparently covering the floor of Grand Central Station in New York City with 450 naked women qualifies. That was the project photographer Spencer Tunick recently undertook one recent morning at 3 A.M.
A number of members of the New York Yankees got wind of the event and rushed to the scene hoping to get dates.
But in keeping with their recent performances on the field, they all struck out again.

Friday, October 31, 2003

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Congratulations to Sir Paul McCartney, who is the proud new father of a baby girl.
Oddly enough, that old Beatles song did NOT contain the line "Will I still be changing diapers when I'm 64?"

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Recent studies have shown that using chopsticks on a routine basis can cause arthritis.
These alarming findings come on the heels of research suggesting that fighting your opponents with fancy martial moves in slow motion while periodically freezing in midair as the camera circles around may lead to temporary loss of gravity.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

For too many years we celebrity stalkers have been discriminated against by the rest of society. Subjected to relentless arrests, restraining orders, and accusations of "having no life," our existence has been a lonely one as we cover our walls and ceilings with pictures of the subjects of our unnatural fixations. And climbing a stepladder with thumbtacks in one hand and a stack of mutilated magazine covers in the other while our pants are down around our ankles is never easy.
So it is with great inspiration that we all turn to Masahiko Shizawa, a Japanese businessman turned Britney Spears stalker who finally decided to put his foot down and say "ENOUGH!!!" Repeatedly ordered by the courts to stay away from the singer, Mr. Shizawa was parked on a public street across from Miss Spears' home when her armed security goons ordered him to leave the area.
Now Mr. Shizawa is suing for "emotional distress" caused by the incident.
Truly, this man is an inspiration to emotionally disturbed individuals everywhere!

Monday, October 27, 2003

The US Military has gone to great lengths to educate our troops in Iraq about respecting the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.
In return, the Muslims marked the first day of Ramadan by launching a series of devastating attacks, going as far as to use a carbomb disguised as an ambulance against a Red Cross facility.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Tonight is the night we go from Daylight Savings Time back to Standard Time. If one puts aside the entire argument about why we even do this in the first place, then the question becomes, what is so standard about Standard Time?
The nation--except for parts of Indiana which insist on being being difficult--is on DST from the first Sunday of April to the last Sunday of October, or a period of 30 weeks.
ST, on the other hand, runs from the last Sunday of October to the first Sunday of April. That's only 22 weeks.
But if something is going to be called "standard," shouldn't it by definition be the norm the majority of the time? In other words, how can something unusual actually be standard?
Well, it simply can't. It's just plain wrong. Almost as wrong as invading a country on trumped up accusations.
But I digress....
The only equitable solution to this dilemma is to start referring to the present Daylight Savings Time time as Standard Time. And the existing Standard Time can instead be called Nighttime Savings Time.


----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Friday, October 24, 2003

Here's a great gag you can pull the next time you're in a Wal-Mart: When no one's looking, get on the store intercom and announce, "Attention Wal-Mart associates: The INS is conducting green card checks. Please report to the front of the store."
Then stand back and watch the ensuing panic!

Thursday, October 23, 2003

General Motors has announced that it is renaming its Buick LaCrosse sedan in Canada. The problem is that among French speaking youths in Quebec, "LaCrosse" is a slang word for masturbation.
According to company officials, the car will henceforth be known as the Buick Walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm, and it will be available in both two-door and four-door models.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Rob Becker his bringing his "Defending the Caveman" back to DC in what is supposedly the farewell tour for the show. If you are--or have ever been in--a relationship, this is worth seeing.

In short, he explores the differences between men & women and traces them back to to the days when we all lived in caves, kind of like what Osama bin Laden has been doing lately. In many ways, yes, the idea is similar to what was presented in "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," but Becker first came up with the show some 12 or 15 years ago. It wouldn't suprise me if John Gray was inspired to write his 1992 book AFTER seeing Becker.

For example, he points out that while men speak an average of 2000 words a day while women speak an average of 7000. This much has been proven by studies. He traces this back to humanity's earliest days when the men were hunters and the women were gatherers. And if you think about it, this only makes sense. Men, while on the prowl for prey, had to keep silent to maintain their stealth in order to sneak up on animals. The female gatherers, on the other hand, had to keep yakking in order to scare off potential predators, such as lions, bears, mastodons, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Plus, if a woman hadn't been heard from in a while, it would generally indicate that she had been eaten.

But it can be argued that all these various analyses of male and female behaviors are subject to cultural biases held by the observer. Therefore they amount to nothing more than mere observations and conjecture open to wild misinterpretation. In the end, it's all very unscientific.

Until now, that is. Using recently refined Magnetic Resonance Imaging techniques, researchers have uncovered physical evidence that mean and women do, in fact, have different brains. As a public service, here is a picture of a typical female brain, followed by a picture of a typical male brain.

The male brain

Monday, October 20, 2003

Opening arguments begin today in the trial of DC sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad. It is being held in Virginia Beach, however, because of concern whether Muhammad could have received a fair trial in northern Virginia, where several of the slayings occurred.
This is good, because it is obvious the poor guy is being framed. Granted, he was found with a Bushmaster rifle in the car, and the gun was subsequently linked to the shooting through ballistics tests. And yes, his car also had its backseat modified to fold down so that a shooter could actually lie flat while aiming through a hole cut into the trunk lid. And it's also true that Muhammad had a laptop computer which contained maps of the various locations where the shootings took place. And yes, there is the relatively minor detail of the car's license plates, which were checked by suspicious police officers in the vicinity of several killings shortly after they took place.
But aside from those totally insignificant and coincidental details, there is no evidence linking Muhammad to the crimes. It is obvious to any casual observer that the man is every bit as innocent of these horrible charges as O.J. was!

And a happy birthday to Bela Lugosi, who was born on this day in 1882.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Most Americans remain blissfully unaware that there are currently ten people actively seeking the Democratic presidential nomination. The current frontrunners are generally considered to be former General Wesley Clark; former Vermont Governor Howard Dean; and Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. Still most observers consider the whole bunch of them to be an uninspiring bunch.
Generally they tend to debate and argue over such mundane topics as the economy, tax cuts, healthcare reform, prescription drug benefits, the environment, and the future of the Social Security program. All important issues, to be sure.... But also boring as hell.
Consequently, none of the ten has yet been able to reach and grab the attention of the electorate.
This of course begs the question, "Are there ANY issues out that would grab the American people by the cahones and enable a candidate to break out of the pack?"
Well, yes. There are actually three:

1) Execute all spammers.
2) Execute all telemarketers.
3) Bar the New York Yankees from any future World Series appearances for the next 25 years. Give someone else a chance to play, for God's sakes!

The candidate who seizes on the above issues and incorporates them into his or her campaign platform will be assured of a landslide victory in November of 2004.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

The National Weather Service has released its long range winter forecast for the United States. It is predicting that the eastern part of the nation has a 33% chance of a colder than normal winter, as well as a 33% chance of a warmer than normal winter. Then again, there's also a 33% chance of a normal winter.
Call me crazy, but I think there's a 100% chance they're going to be right.

On the Fritz is taking a poll as to who should replace Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy. Among the choices is David Blaine, Teller (of Penn & Teller), and the Harry Potter cast.
Personally, I think Blaine would be a good choice. He emerges from his box tomorrow and will no doubt looking for a new gig. Plus, after 44 days without food, he'll be so skinny that no tiger will want to eat him.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Steve Bartman is without a doubt the most hated man in all of Chicago right now. In fact, it's a safe bet that if Saddam, Osama, and Steve were walking down a street in the Windy City, Steve would be the one who gets beaten up, stoned to death, and his headless corpse hung from a lamppost.
And what heinous crime, pray tell, is Steve guilty of? Is he a notorious serial killer, with dozens of bodies found buried in his crawlspace?
Is he a convicted child molester?
Does he have vast quantities of weapons of mass destruction cleverly concealed beneath the vast cornfields of central Illinois?
Indeed, Steve's infraction is worse than all of the above offenses put together. You see, he's the poor sap who made the mistake of trying to catch a foul ball at a baseball game. Normally this is no big deal, but in this case he is blamed for essentially snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. By deflecting the ball, he kept the Cubs' Moises Allou from catching it and getting an out against the Marlins, thereby (allegedly) setting in motion a chain of events that would not only cost Chicago the game, but a trip to the World Series.
But beyond that, what is Steve guilty of? Well, nothing really. If you're at a baseball game, and a ball suddenly comes in your direction, you're going to try to get it. It's pure instinct, like a mother protecting her child or a tiger trying to rip the head off the trainer who just bopped on the nose with a microphone in front of a live audience of thousands. There's no time to think about the consequences of your actions.
Indeed, if you look at a photo of "The Bobble," you'll see that everyone else seated near Steve also reached for the ball. He just happened to be the one who was the closest, thereby allowing himself to become an instrument of Satan. As such, he was able to inflict immeasurable pain upon Cubs fans everywhere. Besides, because of "The Curse of the Goat," Chicago was destined to lose the National League Championship Series one way or another.
Again, Steve was merely a convenient tool, a vessel of preodained doom much like the Anti-Christ. And quite frankly, there's not much hope for the future, either.
Still, this disaster may yet work out in Bartman's favor. Florida governor Jeb Bush has offered him asylum in the Sunshine State. A number of Florida businesses are offering him assorted favors, ranging from free airfare to a three month stay in a $400,000 condo.
And, since this is America, there is also talk of a movie deal.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Out of This World Delivery Order

China has successfully launched a human into orbit, becoming only the third nation to do so in the 42 year history of manned spaceflight. "Taikonaut" Lt. Colonel Yang Liwei will test various functions of his craft, perform scientific experiments to see how oppressed human rights respond in a weightless atmosphere, and deliver an order of Kung Pao Pork to the International Space Station.


Tuesday, October 14, 2003

AOL has announced that it is introducing a new, no-frills dial-up service.
Hell, I thought they already had that!

Monday, October 13, 2003

Today is Columbus Day, which commemorates Christopher Columbus' "discovery" of America in 1492. During the past decade or so the intrepid explorer's reputation has fallen victim to the rise of political correctness. The latest to blast Chris is Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who accuses him of "genocide."
This is unfortunate, and it's high time someone set the record straight.
First of all, Columbus--to the best of my knowledge--never killed any indians, and he can hardly be held responsible for the actions of others who followed him. And does anyone honestly believe that if Columbus had NOT made his discovery, the rest of the world would not have stumbled across the Americas at some later date? Besides, Columbus was Italian and sailed on behalf of Portugal. The Conquistadors, who shoulder much of the responsibility of what eventually happened to the native population, were Spanish.
Besides, it's not his fault that indians were already living here and kept getting in the way. They should have just gone back to where they came from! And while Columbus may not have been the first to find the Americas, his discovery was the first to "take." It set the stage for future European colonization and demonstrated the need for srong, effective immigration policies.
The bottom line is that if it weren't for that colonization, there would be buffalo roaming across the interstates. And if you think an overturned tanker truck causes traffic tie ups, think what a heard of bison would do. President Sitting Bull would have admitted SMOKING that corn husk but argued that he never actually inhaled. And he would have denied having sexual relations with that squaw, Pochohantas. Additionally, man would never have landed on the moon, John Wayne wouldn't have had a career, there would never have been a Star Trek or Star Wars, the light bulb would never have been invented, and we'd all be writing emails in the dark.
Oh, and the entire world (including the French) would be speaking German.
So happy Columbus Day!!

Friday, October 10, 2003

Speaking of Mouths That Roar

Rush Limbaugh continues to generate more controversy....

Yesterday was his first day on his new job with Entertainment Tonight. While taping a story on the recent tiger attack on Roy Thorn of Siegfried & Roy, Limbaugh commented that he he thought their act was overrated because the media was eager to see a gay couple succeed in a tiger related magic act.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Two recent studies have found that fire retardants that have long been added to things like clothing, building supplies, and many other every day items are now turning up in the breast milk of nursing mothers. The fear is that these chemicals, as they build up in the human body, may lead to higher rates of cancer.
On the other hand, incidents of spontaneous combustion are way down.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Congratulations to Arnold Schwarzenegger for his remarkable victory in the recall race. So has anyone bothered to try to teach him the proper pronunciation of C-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a?

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Never, EVER hit a white tiger on the nose with your microphone.


----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Antoine Yates is lucky to be alive after being bitten by his pet tiger in his Manhattan apartment. Yates, whose elevator didn't go all the way up despite living on the fifth floor, also kept a five foot alligator.
The animals have since been shipped to a sanctuary in reality. As for Yates, one can only hope that authorities will have him sterilized to keep him from further contaminating the human gene pool.

In Germany, the television network Super RTL plays a video during its overnight hours of a log burning in a fireplace. A woman woke up, saw the flames, and called the fire department. Firefighters, braving unbelievable conditions, extinguished the flames using a remote control device.
In a worst case scenario, this unidentified woman would mate with Antoine Yates, produce children, and forever doom the human race.

The mayor of Agra, Oklahoma, has decided to change the name of his town by adding the letters "V" and "I" at the beginning.
Fortunately, Ildo, Wyoming has thus far declined to follow suit.

Finally, congratulations to Wanda Hudson, who recently was awarded $100,000 after she got herself locked in a storage locker for 63 days. Miss Hudson's adventure began on Nov. 21 of 2001, and ended on Jan. 29 of 2002. On a happy note, she did lose 65 pounds.
And David Blaine thinks he's so tough for spending 44 days inside a glass box....

Monday, October 06, 2003

Today we have a special guest blgger....

Hi, everyone. Sorry about that unpleasantness in the news last week. That whole racism thing was blown w-a-a-a-y out of proportion. But that's to be expected when someone like me, who always speaks the truth, runs afoul of the politically correct liberal media.
Anyway, I just want to congratulate Donovan McNabb for an outstanding game against the Redskins yesterday. If you haven't heard, the Eagles beat the 'Skins 27-25 under McNabb's exemplery leadership. He threw for 157 yards and one touchdown.
Not bad for a black quarterback.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

For a number of years now some fringe groups have advocated the use of hemp, derived from fibers in marijuana plants, in clothing. Woody Harrelson, formerly of Cheers, has been a longtime supporter of this. And perhaps, in time, this will become a legitimate alternative use of marijuana.
However, apparently not all plants can be used as material for clothing. For example, Siegried & Roy's attempt to manufacture flashy suits from catnip has gone horribly wrong.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Rush Gets the Boot

You know what would would be funny as hell? If Rush Limbaugh ends up sharing a jail cell with Courtney Love.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

So Much for Huggington's Film Career

Arianna Huffington has withdrawn with the California governor's race and thrown her support to incumbent Gray Davis. This move is a serious slap in the face of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who had promised her a part in Terminator IV. It is not immediately clear if the offer still stands.

Never an Overturned Milk Truck When You Need One

A truck carrying 26,000 pounds of Lucky Charms cereal overturned on I-90 in Ohio. The driver evidently suffered a seizure of some type and lost control of the rig. He is said to be fine now.

However, several dozen seriously injured leprechauns had to be airlifted to area hospitals.

Survivor: The Terrible Twos

And in Florida, a two year old toddler was left home alone for almost three weeks while her mother was in jail. The child subsisted on dried pasta, and packets of ketchup and mustard. The father, who was separated from the mother, eventually discovered the child in the apartment when the building manager let him into the apartment.

Fox Television has reportedly bought the rights to the story and plans to create a reality TV series based on the idea.

Maybe it Was the Percocet Talking

Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who managed to last four weeks as a football commentator for ESPN before saying something so incredibly stupid that he would be forced to resign. If you missed the story, the radio talk show host turned football analyst on Sunday said that Philadelphia Eagles Donovan McNabb is overrated because the media wanted to see a black quarterback succeed.

Meanwhile, Al Franken, author of Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot, is starting to look like an absolute genius.

Limbaugh's problems are not over, however, as now comes word that Florida authorities are investigating charges that the big fat idiot abused prescription painkillers.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

About a year ago, when the Bush Administration first began ratcheting up the volume on a likely invasion of Iraq, I had serious reservations about the whole thing. While I did view Saddam as a tyrant, I felt that the status quo was perfectly fine. US and British planes had been enforcing the no-fly zones since after the first Gulf war. If necessary, surgical strikes could destroy any potential WMD manufacturing sites. The case for war, as it was presented over the coming months, was just too weak and ambiguous. The Administration's arguments in favor of an invasion only served to reinforce my reservations.
Then came the protests, and one of the chief arguments being presented in opposition to the war was that it was all about obtaining a supply of cheap oil.
Well, upon hearing that, my mind was quickly made up for me. If the coming conflict was going to about nothing more than being able to buy cheaper gasoline, I was 100% behind my President.
So when the price of gas went UP at the very beginning of the war, I was startled, but I accepted it as being caused by the initial uncertainty over how the coming conflict was going to unfold.
And when Baghdad finally fell on April 9, I was confident that I would soon be paying 99 cents for a gallon of premium unleaded.
Instead the prices continued to rise. By the end of August it had topped two bucks in some areas of the country.
Needless to say, I now feel horribly betrayed. If we didn't invade Iraq, drop thousands of bombs, and kill all those people for the benefit of cheap fuel for our SUV's, then just what the hell was it all about?

Monday, September 29, 2003

Heard a guy from FEMA on the radio this morning talking about disaster relief for victims of Isabel. He gave phone numbers you could call to request the needed forms. One was the main number for most of the general public, and the other was for the hearing impaired. The whole spiel was delivered in a very scripted, professional tone of voice.
Well, that's kind of stupid, isn't it? If the one of the numbers was intended for deaf people, shouldn't he have been screaming at the top of his lungs?

Sunday, September 28, 2003

It has been a year of wild weather, and now Canada is about to get in on the action with Hurricane Juan. The storm is expected to make landfall in Nova Scotia this evening with 100 mph winds.
Juan had originally attempted to enter the United States, but was turned away by Border Patrol agents because he didn't have a green card.


----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Friday, September 26, 2003

Hillary Clinton, former First Lady and potential Presidential candidate, is reprtedly upset that the government of China has censored parts of her book, Living History. Specifically, they removed passages in her book that were critical of China's abysmal human rights record. Also, Chinese censors translated the name "Monica Lewinsky" as "sweet and sour pork."

----------Greg Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Over the last two weeks or so, President Bush's approval ratings have taken a serious dive. Americans' concerns over the rising cost of the occupation of Iraq and the sluggish economy here at home are blamed for the fall in his popularity. Democrats are now beginning to see Bush as being especially vulnerable on these issues in next year's Presidential race.
Hey, if Bush wants to insure his reelection, he should forget about terrorism and declare war on telemarketers.
Now THAT'S an issue that would insure his place in history.

Robert Palmer is the latest addition to the band in Rock & Roll heaven.
And George Plimpton has embarked on his final adventure.

Thursday, September 25, 2003


There's an old man who lives by himself in a farmhouse. One day a policeman shows up at his door and says, "Sir, there's a big flood coming, and we're evacuating the area. You'll have to grab what you can carry and leave."
The old man says, "I'm not going. The good lord will save me."
The officer shakes his head and leaves.
Sure enough, the water from a nearby river begins to rise. Soon it has filled the entire first story of the house and forced the old man to flee to the second floor. A fireman comes by in a boat. He rows right up to the window where the old man is sitting and says, "Get in the boat and I'll take you to dry land!"
The old man shakes his head and says, "That won't be necessary. The good lord will save me."
The fireman shrugs and leaves. Still, the waters keep rising. Soon the old man is forced to climb onto the roof.
A helicopter flies by, sees the old man, and lowers a man on a cable. "Sir!" he says. "Strap this safety harness around your waist and we'll hoist you up to safety!"
The old man waves him off and says, "The good lord will save me."
So the helicopter leaves. But the water continues to rise. Soon, the old man is forced to stand on his tiptoes. The water is now up to his chin, and it is becoming painfully obvious that he will soon drown.
The old man summons what little strength he has left and cries out to the heavens, "Lord! Why have you not saved me?!?"
Suddenly a booming voice echoes down from on high and says, "I sent you a cop, a boat, and a helicopter! What the hell else do you want?"