Tuesday, September 30, 2003

About a year ago, when the Bush Administration first began ratcheting up the volume on a likely invasion of Iraq, I had serious reservations about the whole thing. While I did view Saddam as a tyrant, I felt that the status quo was perfectly fine. US and British planes had been enforcing the no-fly zones since after the first Gulf war. If necessary, surgical strikes could destroy any potential WMD manufacturing sites. The case for war, as it was presented over the coming months, was just too weak and ambiguous. The Administration's arguments in favor of an invasion only served to reinforce my reservations.
Then came the protests, and one of the chief arguments being presented in opposition to the war was that it was all about obtaining a supply of cheap oil.
Well, upon hearing that, my mind was quickly made up for me. If the coming conflict was going to about nothing more than being able to buy cheaper gasoline, I was 100% behind my President.
So when the price of gas went UP at the very beginning of the war, I was startled, but I accepted it as being caused by the initial uncertainty over how the coming conflict was going to unfold.
And when Baghdad finally fell on April 9, I was confident that I would soon be paying 99 cents for a gallon of premium unleaded.
Instead the prices continued to rise. By the end of August it had topped two bucks in some areas of the country.
Needless to say, I now feel horribly betrayed. If we didn't invade Iraq, drop thousands of bombs, and kill all those people for the benefit of cheap fuel for our SUV's, then just what the hell was it all about?

Monday, September 29, 2003

Heard a guy from FEMA on the radio this morning talking about disaster relief for victims of Isabel. He gave phone numbers you could call to request the needed forms. One was the main number for most of the general public, and the other was for the hearing impaired. The whole spiel was delivered in a very scripted, professional tone of voice.
Well, that's kind of stupid, isn't it? If the one of the numbers was intended for deaf people, shouldn't he have been screaming at the top of his lungs?

Sunday, September 28, 2003

It has been a year of wild weather, and now Canada is about to get in on the action with Hurricane Juan. The storm is expected to make landfall in Nova Scotia this evening with 100 mph winds.
Juan had originally attempted to enter the United States, but was turned away by Border Patrol agents because he didn't have a green card.


----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Friday, September 26, 2003

Hillary Clinton, former First Lady and potential Presidential candidate, is reprtedly upset that the government of China has censored parts of her book, Living History. Specifically, they removed passages in her book that were critical of China's abysmal human rights record. Also, Chinese censors translated the name "Monica Lewinsky" as "sweet and sour pork."

----------Greg Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Over the last two weeks or so, President Bush's approval ratings have taken a serious dive. Americans' concerns over the rising cost of the occupation of Iraq and the sluggish economy here at home are blamed for the fall in his popularity. Democrats are now beginning to see Bush as being especially vulnerable on these issues in next year's Presidential race.
Hey, if Bush wants to insure his reelection, he should forget about terrorism and declare war on telemarketers.
Now THAT'S an issue that would insure his place in history.

Robert Palmer is the latest addition to the band in Rock & Roll heaven.
And George Plimpton has embarked on his final adventure.

Thursday, September 25, 2003


There's an old man who lives by himself in a farmhouse. One day a policeman shows up at his door and says, "Sir, there's a big flood coming, and we're evacuating the area. You'll have to grab what you can carry and leave."
The old man says, "I'm not going. The good lord will save me."
The officer shakes his head and leaves.
Sure enough, the water from a nearby river begins to rise. Soon it has filled the entire first story of the house and forced the old man to flee to the second floor. A fireman comes by in a boat. He rows right up to the window where the old man is sitting and says, "Get in the boat and I'll take you to dry land!"
The old man shakes his head and says, "That won't be necessary. The good lord will save me."
The fireman shrugs and leaves. Still, the waters keep rising. Soon the old man is forced to climb onto the roof.
A helicopter flies by, sees the old man, and lowers a man on a cable. "Sir!" he says. "Strap this safety harness around your waist and we'll hoist you up to safety!"
The old man waves him off and says, "The good lord will save me."
So the helicopter leaves. But the water continues to rise. Soon, the old man is forced to stand on his tiptoes. The water is now up to his chin, and it is becoming painfully obvious that he will soon drown.
The old man summons what little strength he has left and cries out to the heavens, "Lord! Why have you not saved me?!?"
Suddenly a booming voice echoes down from on high and says, "I sent you a cop, a boat, and a helicopter! What the hell else do you want?"

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

It has now been almost a week since Isabel passed through, and tens of thousands of DC area residents remain in the dark. Needless to say, tempers are running short and body odor indices are running high. There is even talk that some frustrated citizens may begin to riot.
Of course, they'll have to confine their activities to daylight hours.

Gordon Jump, who played the Maytag repairman in the TV ads, has died.
Guess he REALLY does have nothing to do now.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

NASA scientists have deliberately crashed the Galileo spacecraft into Jupiter. The probe's fiery end came after the end of a successful 14 year mission.
The scientists made their move shortly after they saved a ton of money by switching to Geico.

If the trials and tribulations imposed on us by Hurricane Isabel weren't enough, we just got socked with another round of bad weather early this morning. Parts of the DC area got as much as 4" of rain in just a few hours. This led to a number of major road closings, including interstates. Constitution and Independence Avenues in DC and the George Washington Pkwy were closed after the Potomac spilled its banks yet again. I-70 had to be shut down near Frederick, Maryland after a 20 foot sinkhole threatened to swallow the highway. And in Loudon County, some motorists had to be rescued from rising floodwaters by boat. With so much traffic being diverted willy-nilly onto alternate routes, the roads that were open ended up with as much as 20 mile long backups.
Mother nature's mayhem was not confined to just DC, as a suspected tornado touched down just north of Richmond.
At this point it wouldn't surprise me to walk outside and see the four horseman of the Apocalypse roaring through the sky, leaving death and destruction in their wake.
Of course, that would only lead to more f*cked up traffic.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Dick Grasso has resigned as Chairman of the New York Stock Exchange. His departure comes after the uproar that resulted when his $140 million dollar pay package became public.

With that kind of dough, you'd think he'd be able to afford a hairpiece.

For almost thirty years the Nebraska Wesleyan University has held a behavioral rat competition, called the "Rat Olympics." Now, however, the United States Olympics Committee has sued, saying that the school is not authorized to use the word "Olympics" when referring to the event. USOC is apparently concerned that competitions involving rats may somehow besmirch the otherwise untarnished image of the real Olympics.
Fox News has already informed the school that it may not use the words "furry and balanced" in its new name.

McDonald's continues is continues to achieve success in its ongoing campaign to piss me off....
This morning I ordered breakfast with a medium soft drink and was handed a 22 oz. empty cup and a 12 ounce can of Coke. After a fruitless search for the missing 10 ounces, I informed the manager that the "boil water warning" for Fairfax County had been lifted as of 8 PM last night.
So she hands me a "bottled water."
No, I politely explained. "I don't want 'bottled water. I was just telling you that the boil water warning is over. The water is safe."
So she points at the bottled water and says, "Yes. Bottled water safe."
If someone is going to be in a position of authority and responsible for presenting a company's image to the public, they should have a reasonable command of the English language.
Now please don't misunderstand me.... I don't want to sound like some kind of narrow-minded anti-immigrant redneck wacko bigot. I'm really not.
It's just that a sizable percentage of immigrants seem to be from other countries.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Congratulations to Miss Florida, who has been selected as the new Miss America.
The seven judges selcted the Sunshine State native by a 5 to 4 margin.

Traffic reporters on the radio are certainly exhibitting their sense of humor in the midst of our post-Isabel era. Since signals at many intersections remain dark, these wacky jokesters are urging--get this--everyone to come to a four way stop when confronted by non-operating traffic lights!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
Yeah, right.
Let's face it: In the real world, it's the largest vehicle at the intersection which has the right of way. That may not be the correct way to drive, but it's how things work on the planet Earth.
Besides, I drive a Bradley B2, which is the civilian version of the Bradley fighting vehicle. The faux gun turret is especially great for intimidating the riff-raff stuck in their BMW's and Volvos.

Yesterday evening I had to drive down to Norfolk, which is in the Tidewater area of Virginia. It's also just above the North Carolina state line. After seeing the situation down there, it became apparent that people up here in northern Virginia got off very light.
Interstate 64, which runs from Richmond to Tidewater, had obviously been impassable the day before. Road crews had done an unbelievable job of clearing the road, for the shoulders were still littered with the remains of fallen timber. Some of the exit ramps looked as if they had been covered with as many as a dozen trees. And the power outages there were far more widespread than anything up here. I saw two open gas stations, and took me a while to figure out why each one had cars lined up down the block 10 o'clck at night: They were among the very few stations to have electricity.
Being a clever fellow, I decided NOT to waste my time sitting in those lines and fill up at some point on the way back to Richmond.
As it turned out, there was nothing open anywhere from Newport News to Richmond. Each time I follwed the advice of those blue highway signs with the Exxon/Texaco/Shell logos and exited the interstate, I was greeted by nothing but darkness. I was becoming genuinely concerned that I would run out of gas and be forced to eat my own limbs in a desperate bid to survive.
Shortly after my low fuel light came on I saw the exit for Richmond International Airport. Sure enough, the power was on in that area, and there were open gas stations.
One of the popular accessories in that area at the moment is the portable power generator. There have been a number of incidents where people have pulled up in a pickup truck, grabbed the generator, and taken off with it. Carjacking is bad enough, but generatorjacking? That's a new level of desperation.


Pepco--the power company for DC and parts of Maryland--had been handing out dry ice for the benefit of those without electrricity. A block of that in your freezer will keep your food frozen. However, they had suspend the distribution after the plant making the dry ice lost power.
Now is that ironic, or what? Well, perhaps we should run the situation by singer and world-renown irony expert Alanis Morissette for her opinion....

Saturday, September 20, 2003

My own power came back on around 2:30 yesterday afternoon. And yes, my cable is also working. Thanks for your concern.Considering there are still almost 2 million without electricity (AND cable), I feel quite fortunate.
What's interesting is that even though Isabel's center passed about 50 miles to my west and 100 miles from DC, areas closer in to DC seem to have been hit harder. Granted, the area where I am is much more rural, so one can argue that's there's just less to damage. But even looking at the level of tree damage, it just seems as if we took much less of a hit than those further away.
For example, I drove through Vienna and Fairfax yesterday, and there are a number of streets that are closed due to downed trees. Also, just the amount of blown leaves and small branches littering the roads is noticeably more.
This storm is a perfect example of why I'm a firm supporter of President Bush's war on trees.


At this point Isabel's death toll stands at 24. For a storm of this magnitude, that's not too bad. If we had been in some country like, say Bengladesh, it's safe to say that 400,000 people would have been swept out to sea. But that's okay, because lives there aren't as important as lives here.
Still, did those 23 people really have to die, or were they simply victims of their own foolishness? After all, Isabel's track had been amazingly well predicted for at least five days prior to landfall. One has to assume that the only people that didn't heed the authorities advice were the stupid ones who decided to stay behind and party. There's a site called Little Tiny Lies which does a hilarious job of addressing that question.
Then there are the folks who decide to set up diesel powered generators inside their houses. Perhaps an I.Q. test should be required before one is allowed to buy one of those things.

Friday, September 19, 2003

11:20 AM
My power is still out, so I've dragged the laptop out to the car.... The problem was a dead tree that came down on the lines last night. It put on one helluva a show, to.
The sun is now back out. Unfortunately, so is the electricity for 2 million customers in the DC area. A lot of roads--even main roads--remain blocked. The Potomac, which did flood some low lying areas, is receding for now. However, it is expected to flood again in a day or as the 8-10" of rain that fell in the mountains eventually heads for DC.
Nearby Fairfax and Loudon County are recommending that their one million customers boil their water.

10:32 AM
OH MY GOD!!!!! The 7-11 by my house never got their donuts last night!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2003

NOTE: I plan to add several updates during the day as Lady Iz approaches

10:00 PM
Well, my power has now gone out. There was a bright blue flash outside and a loud boom.
The wind has apparently begun to shift. A window I've had open all afternoon began to get rained in, so it's now closed. Rain is steadily pelting it. Also, the
rain has become much heavier & steadier--no more breaks in the action. Several counties in the area now under a flash flood warning. That's it for tonight.

8:00 PM
Well, my cable went out for a while. Not only HBO, but the broadcast channels as well. What was odd, however, is that my digital cable box was still showing the time. Normally, as soon as the cable signal is interrupted, the time display goes blank as well. However, it's back up now. Harry Potter looks like he was in a bad fight or something, but I have no idea what exactly happened. I curse Mother Nature for leaving me hanging.
During the cable outage, I was becoming desperate. At one point, I actually picked up a book. Fortunately, I quickly came to my senses and never actually began reading it.
However, I have been listening to the local news radio station, and I'm starting to think we've gotten off easy thus far--sporadic cable service notwithstanding.
Some 460,000 people are now without power in the DC area. And they're saying that if your power is already out, or goes out later, don't look for it to come back on before tomorrow. Because of the winds, there are no repair crews out at the moment. Trees are down all over the place, including one on Massachusetts Avenue near the Vice President's pad. Even some of the interstates are partially blocked. Between the trees, the darkened traffic signals, and the heavy rain in spots, driving has become quite difficult.
Evacuations of low areas near the Potomac and the Chesapeake Bay--where a waterspout was sighted earlier--have now begun as Isabel's storm surge has begun to make its presence felt.
The storm's eye--or what's left of it--is expected to pass over Culpeper County, which is immediately adjacent to where I live.
Oh, and the Federal government has already wimped out for tomorrow.

6:40 PM
Those bands of wind and rain seem to get a bit stronger with each one that comes through. About half the time, there's very little wind and perhaps only a sprinkle. Then the wind will kick in again, and the rain will come down much harder for a few minutes. Each little cycle takes maybe ten minutes to get through. But it's not the steady, sustained storm I had expected.
I did venture out to the store during one of the breaks in the action. The authorities had urged us earlier to stock up on staples, so I figured I better do so. I'm not sure I understand the logic behind it, but I always trust the people in power, whether they're telling us to buy staples or invade Iraq. Now if I could just find my stapler....
On the way back in, I was pleased to note that most of my neighbors had cleared their balconies of plants, patio furniture, and other potential missiles. Maybe I should do the same.
The power is holding up, though it has fluctuated on a couple of occasions. About an hour ago there was a loud explosion; sounded like maybe a transformer down the block. That, too, was accompanied by a momentary flicker of the lights, but they stayed on.
Besides the electricity, the most important thing is that my cable is still up.
Now if you'll excuse me, Harry Potter is on HBO....

4:35 PM
Things are definitiely starting to pick up. A couple of moderately heavy rainbands have gone through the area, but no real deluges.... Yet.
The wind is definitely kicking up, with gusts up to around 40 mph. Then, just as quickly, the wind will die down to virtually nothing. However, it does seem like each time another gust comes through, it's stronger than the previous one.
No problems with the power around here thus far, but there are reports on the radio of 11,000 without electricity in northern Virginia. They weren't more specific.
The worst of the storm is supposed to be between 10 PM and 2 AM tonight.

1:30 PM
While the North Carolina and Virginia coasts may be getting pounded by Isabel, it's really not very impressive near DC. Just overcast, a bit breezy, but no rain as of yet. This, despite the dire predictions of just 24 hours ago. Even the rainfall totals have been revised downward, and they're no longer predicting hurricane force winds for tonight.
Still, precautions continue downtown in the nation's capital. The subway and bus systems shut down at 11 A.M. Apparently, the lack of wind and rain was threatening the safety of passengers.
And just a little while ago, Attorney General John Ashcroft broke into a supply closet at the Department of Homeland Security and stole all their duct tape. He then firmly secured the curtains covering all the topless statues in the Justice Department.
So while we may yet end up being swept out to sea to die a horrible death, at least we won't be exposed to the sight of giant exposed metallic breasts.

12:50 AM
It remains to be seen whether it was brilliant foresight or an irresponsible overreaction, but the nation's capital has already decided to shut down in anticipation of Hurricane Isabel.
It began yesterday in the early afternoon when a school system in Maryland announced it was closing for the next two days. Other school systems throughout Maryland, Virginia, and West Virginia followed in quick succession. By nine o'clock, virtually every school in the three states was either closing entirely today, or else sending the kids home early by noon. Everything is already closed for tomorrow.
The adults were not to be outdone, however, as the entire Federal government also announced that it would be shut down today. State, county, and city government offices soon followed.
In an effort to further contribute to the sense of hysteria, DC's Metro system announced it would suspend all rail (most of which is underground) and bus service as of 11 A.M. today.
News? There is no news to speak of. It's wall-to-wall Hurricane Isabel on all the local TV stations. President Bush could not have picked a better time to finally admit that there is no Saddam/9-11 link: It has received virtually no coverage around here. And if you're watching the Weather Channel, you may, if you're lucky, catch a quick reference to the temperature in LA. Otherwise, it's all Isabel as well.
All these decisions had been arrived at by 9 PM last night. At that point, the stars were still out, so there still weren't any clouds. As for wind, well, there really wasn't any.
Whether all this proves to have been necessary once all is said and done remains to be seen. But for now, it is another example of how the media can grab onto a single story and turn it into a self-sustaining nuclear reaction. In a way, it's fascinating to watch this beast grow exponentially as it feeds on itself.
The forecasters had better be right about the path and destructive power of this storm, or no one will ever listen to them again.

12:35 AM
As Armegeddon, the inevitable end of the universe, and Isabel rapidly approach their final, cataclysmic rendezvous with destiny, Dave Addis of the Virginian-Pilot has prepared a highly amusing hurricane readiness quiz.
And based on my answers, I'm his long-lost brother.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Here's a wonderful story out of North Carolina....
A man purchased about $150 worth of groceries at a Food Lion store and paid for them with: A $200 bill.
The bill has George Bush's face on it and a picture of the White House on the back. The kicker is that the cashier actually gave the guy $50 change!
Needless to say, the police are searching for the guy who passed the bill, though it's not entirely clear why. If anything, it's the cashier who should be arrested on charges of excessive stupidity.

The weather today--as well as yesterday--is absolutely beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. It's hard to believe what we may be in for tomorrow. In fact, without the benefit of modern forecasting methods and satellite forecasting, one has to wonder if any of us would have a clue about what's coming. In fact, if this were 1850, this would seem like a good day to set sail for England.
A few days ago I was making light of Isabel; that has now changed. Yesterday, the DC government was actually giving out free sandbags.... Until they ran out. Somehow, that seems about par for the course for them.
The predicted track of Isabel's center actually takes her more over central Virginia, so DC itself may not get the winds as bad as areas a little to the west. One report said specifically that it would pass over Madison County, which is much closer to Charlottesville than Washington.
Unfortunately, I live to the west of DC, maybe a bit closer to Madison than to Washington. As a precaution, I am socking up on batteries, non-perishable food, duct tape, and underwear.
If things get really bad, I figure I'll be going through a lot of underwear.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Madonna's new children's book is out. It's a collection of tales such as "The Little Tongue That Could," "Lady and the Tramps," Beauty and the Beauty," "Snow White and the Seven Ladies," and "Little Red Riding Ho."

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Monday, September 15, 2003

Everywhere we turn, it's Hurricane Isabel this and Hurricane Isabel that. All the news outlets are going with near wall-to-wall coverage on her, and The Weather Channel is considering changing its name to The Isabel Is Coming, Run Screaming Through The Streets Channel. Even NASCAR is expressing concern over the course of the storm.
Quite frankly, all this alarmist coverage is typical of how the media often becomes obsessed with a single topic and then covers it to death. Okay, granted, Isabel is a category 5 storm comparable to Hugo, Andrew, and Camille. Lives will undoubtedly be lost, and property damage could easily run into the billions.
But is this reason enough for mass hysteria? No, of course not. It needs to kept in perspective, for there are other far more serious crises in this world of ours to worry about.
For example, word is that Ben and J.Lo have broken up.


----------Steve Breen, San Diego Union-Tribune

Saturday, September 13, 2003

It's been raining for most of the past 24 hours, courtesy of the remnants of Tropical Storm Henri. Not nearly as much rain as the forecasters had predicted, nor did we get the windy conditions they had called for. So all in all, Henri has turned out to be disappointingly wimpy.
In other words, Henri was typically French.

Friday, September 12, 2003

David Blaine has now completed one week of his wacky attempt to spend 44 days hanging in a glass box over the Thames River. Meanwhile, Londoners have taken to heaping abuse on the illusionist turned crackpot. He has at various times been flashed by women, had eggs thrown at him, and been yelled at by hecklers.
One has to wonder about the logistics of pulling off a stunt like this. For example, if he's in a solid glass enclosure with no privacy, how does he go the bathroom? Maybe one can be a little discreet while doing number one, but what about number two? Does he actually drop his pants and sit on a bucket, or what? And how does he dispose of his waste products once they exit his body? Does he lower the bucket to an assistant on the ground? And how much are they paying THAT guy?
What about bathing? Regardless of how much deodorant he may have gone in there with, 44 days is a long time to go without a shower. That would certainly seem to have ramifications for London's air quality down the road.
These are very real concerns that keep me up at night, at least when I'm not busy obsessing on Ben & J.Lo.

The man in black, Johnny Cash, has gone to the Grand Ol' Opry in the sky. He had been ill for some time, so this was to some extent expected. Even if you weren't a country music music fan, you at least who Cash was. There was just something about his face, voice, and image that crossed the lines between music genres.
No word on whether St. Pete will allow him to continue wearing black.

But the news about the death of John Ritter shocked everybody. As you've probably heard by now, he died while on the set of his current series.
Hard to believe that Mr. Furley has outlived Jack Tripper.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Today marks the second anniversary of September 10, 2001. You may recall it, for it was a day totally unlike any since. Here are just a few of the reasons 9-10-01 will be remembered for a very long time:
* There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States.
* We were able to get on an airplane without eying the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food.
* The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for homeland security.
* Homeland what?
* We weren't afraid of our mail, and Anthrax was just a loud band.
* If we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled creamer.
* No one gave a damn where Afghanistan was.
* No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And no one in Shanksville expected that anyone ever would.
* If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.
* The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.
* If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."
* The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.
* Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center.
* Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future, and our place in the world. After all, this is the United States.
Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.

Monday, September 08, 2003

Fun With Frog Bashing

Like all true, red-blooded, patriotic Americans, there is nothing in this world I enjoy more than mocking the French.
Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post Magazine, who was Dave Barry's editor once upon a time and has a similar sense of humor, has written an excellent piece about his recent visit to France. Any possible hope for an early reconciliation between our two nations is certain to go up in flames if Head French weenie Jacques Chirac ever reads it.

The Check Is In The Mail
Just checked my mail, and as usual, it's nothing but bills. Here's a sampling of just today's:

Water & Sewer--$21.47
Iraq--$87 billion

Jeez.... Hope I can get some overtime this month....

not That Kind Of Flash
Got myself arrested over the weekend. No, nothing really bad or anything. I mean, it's not like I attached a bomb to my neck or climbed the White House fence chasing a Frisbee; still, the incident was highly embarrassing.
Somebody had invited me to something called a "flash mob." Unfortunately, I totally misunderstood the term and showed up in a trenchcoat with no pants.

Send Lawyers, Guns, And Werewolves
The band in Rock & Roll Heaven has gotten another fine addition with the passing of Warren Zevon. While never really achieving megastar status, he certainly left his his unique mark on rock with "Werewolves of London" and "Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money." And while it may be difficult at times to define the term "classic rock," Werewolves is certainly worthy of the label.
There is no greater feeling than walking down a crowded sidewalk, listening to that song on your Walkman headphones, and suddenly bursting into song with the chorus and an ear-piercing "AAARRRRROOOO!!!!!!" People will immediately scatter, and you'll have the entire sidewalk to yourself.
Come to think of it, that would be a great idea for a flash mob.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

I've been watching the tape of Britney Spears' performance at that NFL concert until my wrist hurts, and I've come to one inescapable, disturbing conclusion: She's developing some seriously chunky thighs.
Now don't get me wrong.... I definitely wouldn't kick her out of my living room if she came by and, um, "personally sang" for me, but it's definitely time for her to switch to the Diet Pepsi Vanilla.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Two years ago President Bush nominated Miguel Estrada for a Federal judgeship. Democrats in the Senate had since kept his approval tied up, saying the Harvard educated lawyer was too conservative for such an important position.
Estrada, who had been becoming increasingly frustrated with the slow pace of the approval process, has finally given up and withdrawn his name from further consideration.
Great! That's just what we need: Another unemployed illegal alien.

Friday, September 05, 2003

DC area footlball fans are still staggering around in disbelief after witnessing last night's spectacle. No, not the Redskins' performance, though that was mildly surprising. What REALLY had everyone reeling in shock was Britney Spears' outfit!!
Whatever happened to the sweet, innocent former mouseketeer that we first got to know only yesterday? I mean, I realize she's getting older, but that's certainly no excuse to forget to put clothes on over your underwear! And did you see the reactions of the soldiers near the front? They were practically tripping over their wives trying to get to the stage and hopefully score a lapdance! If only she had worn a garter belt, Britney could have cleaned up in tips. And all this comes only a week after she locked lips with Madonna on the MTV Music Video Awards.
After all the excitement was over with, there was a football game. And more than a few people were stunned to see the Redskins pull out a 16-13 victory over the Jets. After a decade of putrid mediocrity, sports fans come to expect disappointment from the targets of their loyalties. And when your expectations are suddenly exceeded--especially after watching a nearly naked girl cavorting across your TV screen--you're left momentarily stunned.
Just about the only criticism that can be leveled at the team is their decision to wear white jerseys with white pants. This was a major fashion faux pas, for that sort of thing just isn't done after Labor Day.
Still, we realize that this was but one game, and the 'Skins will have another 15 opportunities to break our hearts before the end of December. For now, however, we'll savor the joy that comes with being the only undefeated team in the NFL.... Well, until Sunday, at any rate.
However, most viewers could probably have done without the wet kiss between announcers John Madden and Al Michaels.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Over the years, the National mall in DC--which stretches from the US Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial--has been the scene of such historic moments as civil rights marches, anti-war rallies, the Million Man March, and a full display of the AIDS quilt. Now we can add to this proud list tonight's "NFL Kickoff Live 2003, Presented by Pepsi Vanilla."
While a number of interactive events have been taking place all week, it all culminates with tonight's concert featuring Britney Spears, Mary K. Blige, Aerosmith, and Aretha Franklin. Following the concert, the NFL's 2003 season will officially kickoff at FedEx field with the NY Jets' slaughter of the Washington Redskins (You read it here first).
This stomach turning display of crass commercialism on what many consider near-sacred ground prompts me to ask, why doesn't someone come out with a chocolate fudge brownie flavored cola?


And in other news, John Hinckley, who has been in St. Elizabeth's Loony Bin since 1983, is again seeking permission to make periodic, unsupervised visits to his parents home.
As you may recall, Hinckley shot President Reagan in 1981 in an effort to impress Jodie Foster. While he never did get a date with the actress, Hinckley did succeed in scoring free room and board for the last 21 years. The wacko's lawyer and attending doctors all say that he has improved immensely over the years, and has since gotten over his unhealthy obsession with Foster.
In addition to previous, supervised outings to movies, bowling alleys, and restaurants, Hinckley has been a model patient. He has even begun a DVD collection, which includes such diverse titles as Contact, Panic Room, The Silence of the Lambs, The Accused, Maverick, and Taxi Driver.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

The Netherlands has legalized the sale of marijuana for medicinal purposes.
In response to the crisis, the Bush Administration has begun massing troops in neighboring Belgium.

Forecasters fear that Hurricane Fabian may hit Bermuda by the end of the week. The category 4 storm is packing winds of 135 mph, which would lead to serious damage and damage on the island.
It's always tragic when aging 1950's teen idols go bad.

----------Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

For most of the country, today is the first day of school. Relieved parents throughout the land sigh with relief as they send their little demonic seedlings forth to expand their educational horizons, make new friends, catch up with old ones, shoot spitballs at one another when the teacher's not looking, exchange tips on making pipe bombs, and sneak a joint behind the cafeteria.
For their part, school administrators are trying to express interest in the nurturing of young minds, rather than acknowledging the miserable reality that they are nothing more than than faceless cogs in a vast educational bureaucracy and as such, totally powerless to make a difference in a single child's life.
DC schools Superintendent Paul Vance, for example, is starting his day by personally escorting a young child to school. Presumably this is something that was prearranged with the parents. Otherwise, how would YOU feel about a total stranger showing up at your front door eight o'clock in the morning and announcing he's there to take your little six year old Billy to school? And given today's rainy forecast, he's likely to be wearing a trenchcoat....
Hello, 911?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press