Cars & Chicks

Sorry I haven't posted much over the last several days, but I've been busy trying to get my stupid Zune to work. It's rough not being able to access my Britney Spears songs.

Anyway, if you're a guy, one of your primary concerns in buying a new car is not the mileage or its carbon footprint. No, the REAL question--especially for single males--is: "Will it get me laid?"

Here's an article on ten cars and the types of women that are attracted to them (click on the photos to see the corresponding woman). If you click no other photos, at least click #8 of the "Jacked Up Offroader."

What Do We have If Not Our Dreams?

In what may be a major setback for the Britney Spears presidential campaign, the singer turned tabloid star rear ended an SUV in Beverly Hills.

Coincidentally, it's always been my dream to do the same with her

Hanging Tough

Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders, Hillary Clinton is vowing to stay in the race. On the one hand, her persistence is admirable. But viewed another way, her desire to fight in the face of all reason, and her inability to see that she has been reduced to a state of complete irrelevance, makes her look downright pathetic.

On the other hand, at least she has something in common with George Bush.

It is hard to see what she has to gain at this point. Her continued presence in the contest only serves to prolong the deepening rift in the Democratic party. While some competition and choice is good, there does come a point of diminishing returns. By forcing the contest to go on between herself and Obama, it further delays turning the party's attention to the true evil force in this presidential race: John McCain.

At some point the Democrats will have to try and unite behind Obama. Will they be able to do it? Will Clinton's supporters be willing to put the bitterness behind themselves? It may be hard to believe right now, but once they realize that alternative is essentially a third term of George Bush, they'll be tripping over one another to pledge their very souls to Obama.

People have on occasion asked me what I don't support Hillary Clinton. Do I have something against her?

No, not really. But I do believe that she's not as "electable" as Obama. Forty eight percent of Americans have a negative view of Hillary Clinton, and would not vote for her under any circumstance. Additionally, she would be a divisive leader. And after eight years of Bush, the last thing this nation needs is more divisiveness.

And do we really need Bill Clinton in the White House for another four years? Hell, when he was busy being President he STILL managed to get himself into all sorts of trouble. Now try to imagine him still surrounded with the same temptations but with all sorts of free time on his hands!

Unlike some people, I would have no problem voting for a woman for President. I'm open minded. But Hillary's just not the right woman for the job. Quite frankly, she's not good looking enough. Seriously, have you seen the size of her thighs? There's a reason she's always wearing pantsuits: It's to keep from frightening the American public.

If America is to elect a female President, it's important that she be a hot babe. That's why if Britney Spears ever announces her candidacy, I'll be the first one to replace his Obama bumper sticker.

That Explains My Sticky Keyboard

According to a new study, men who masturbate at least five times a week are one third less likely to develop prostate cancer during their lifetimes.

Well, if I did my math correctly, that means I should have a zero percent chance of ever developing it.

Bet You Can't Eat Just One

According to a new study, the rate of breastfeeding in the United States has hit its highest mark in at least 20 years.

This really isn't all that surprising. I know I still like to imbibe a little whenever possible.

Making The World A Better Place

Came across this public service announcement at Paradise Driver. It's an important topic, so grab a pen and take notes.

I can hardly wait to try out some of those lines.

What? Maxim Has Articles?

Maxim magazine has apologized for a negative review of the latest Black Crowes CD. It turned out that the writer hadn't actually bothered to listen to the entire disc before passing judgment on it.

Not that it really matters. I'm yet to meet anyone who actually reads Maxim.

Guess I'll Be At The Airport Tomorrow

Last month a woman was removed from an airplane for breastfeeding her baby. As a result, many women are planning a national "nurse-in" at airports tomorrow to protest the mother's treatment. It's not clear what all the fuss is about since the plane was still on the ground when she was asked to leave.

More importantly, in this day of airline service cutbacks and cost saving measures, no one gets fed on planes any more. Why should this kid be treated any different? Now if the mother had been willing to share....

Marriage Is Meant To Be Between A Man And A Woman... Or Several Women

Teenagers in Utah recently held a rally in Salt Lake City defending the practice of polygamy. The practice of men taking several wives was popular among early Mormons but was outlawed as a condition of statehood in 1900. Yet there are still sects--not recognized by the official church--that insist it is the true path to eternal salvation.

Salvation my ass. It seems more like a road to eternal hell. Guys, can you imagine five wives nagging you to take out the garbage!?!? SIMULTANEOUSLY!?!?

Or even worse, one wife starts bitching about how you promised to fix the squeaky bathroom door, while another one is yelling at you to clean out the garage, while a third one is screaming that you're always leaving the toilet seat up, and a fourth one isn't speaking to you because you got her birthday mixed up with wife #2's again. What are these crazy Mormons--er, I mean NON-Mormons--thinking?

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I'm guessing that the manufacturer of Viagra is behind this new push for polygamy.

Useful News From The World Of Science

A new study says that breast feeding helps prevent bed wetting.

Hmmm.... Handled properly, this has potential as a great new pickup line for chicks.

I Need A Cigarette

I've been playing with this Orgasmic Simulator all afternoon, and I'm exhausted!!

Molecules Are A Many Splendored Thing

Italian scientists have discovered a molecule that apparently gives people that euphoric, giddy sensation that goes with being madly in love. However, the molecule only lasts about a year before it begins to break down.

Or, in my case, until I sober up and get the hell out of her apartment.

Ah, To Be A Kid Again....

Debra Lafave, a 25 year old teacher in Florida, has pleaded guilty to a charge of having sex with a 14 year boy. These outrageous acts on her part allegedly happened in her classroom, a car, and her townhouse. In return for the guilty plea, Ms. Lafave will avoid jail time. She will, however, have to serve three years of house arrest followed by seven years of probation.

No word on how the poor 14 year old victim is handling this traumatic experience, but if it were me, I'd be high-fiving my buddies.

Hurry Up! We Gotta Pee!

In a terrifying turn of events that has left residents of Tampa, Florida stunned, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested for having sex in a bathroom stall.

I know, I know. How many of us can honestly say we haven't done the same thing? More than once? A week?

What makes this particular case of stall sex unusual, however, is that the two cheerleaders were having the sex with each other.

I know, I know. I wish I had been there with a video camera, too.

The police were called by outraged bar patrons, which certainly seems understandable.... Except that they weren't angered by the lesbian sex itself. No, they couldn't have cared less about that. What pissed off the people in the bar was that the two women were hogging the bathroom!

Unfortunately, the only images we have of the women are the above mugshots. But if Angela's breasts are proportionally as large as her nose, I'd like to meet her!

Protecting Us From Ourselves

The FBI has launched a new War on Porn. Well, it's about damn time!! They need to stop looking for terrorists who may be trying to kill thousands of Americans in one fell swoop, or wasting their time looking for missing women like that girl in Aruba or the more recent case in Richmond. And forget trying to solve the Anthrax attacks that killed or sickened almost a dozen people in the fall of 2001.

And forget trying to prevent cyber crime, like those damn phishing emails we all keep getting from banks we've never heard of. Let them steal our identities and clean out the bank accounts of 80 year old retirees!

Preventing white collar crime is another colossal waste of time. Let those corporate bigwigs cook the books, bankrupt their companies, and throw thousands of employees out of work. That's none of the FBI's business! It's much more important to protect Americans from having the freedom to look at naked adults.

In fact, I'll be more than happy to volunteer my services as an analyst in the War on Porn.

Say "Ahhh"

According to a recent study, just over half of teens aged 15-19 have engaged in oral sex. It is unclear exactly whose definition they are using, since according to a certain unnamed former President, Bill Clinton, oral sex isn't actually sex at all. It's just, um, "extreme flossing."

At any rate, it makes me wish I were young again.