Friday, December 31, 2004

Happy New Year!!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Flights From Hell

Ever since 9-11, the nation has lived in fear of another terror attack. No one seemed to know what form it would take, but many considered the airlines to be particularly vulnerable. And the general consensus was that another attack on that industry would destroy it.

The current holiday travel season has proved to be a disaster for many travelers. US Scareways, already operating under bankruptcy protection, managed to lose 10,000 pieces of luggage over Christmas. Airline officials blame the weather, but others suspect that the company's difficulties with some of its unions was behind it.

Comair, a regional carrier connected to Delta Airlines, suffered a complete breakdown of its computer system. The result was a cancellation of ALL its flights on the 25th.

Not content to remain competent, Northwest has now joined the party. One of its jets, flying from Amsterdam to Seattle, was forced to land at Moses Lake, Washington because of weather problems at its destination airport. Unfortunately, Moses Lake doesn't have customs inspectors and the passengers were forced to remain on the plane. During the course of what would eventually turn into a 28 hour flight, food and water began to run short, and the toilets stopped working. Local sheriffs' deputies eventually sealed off part of the terminal, and the passengers were allowed into that portion of the building. And just in case all that wasn't fun enough, the pilots ran up against a FAA rule which limits how many consecutive hours they can work. A fresh crew had to be brought in from Minnesota so the flight could eventually continue on to Seattle.

Not wanting to miss out on the party, now comes word that United's flight attendants have authorized a strike if the airline voids their contract.

Hell, at this rate, Osama won't have to lift a finger to destroy the airline industry!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Positively Ecstatic<

Scientists are studying--with the blessing of the Food and Drug Administration--whether the illegal drug ecstasy can benefit terminally ill cancer patients. Specifically, the study will seek to learn if the drug can help people come to terms with their impending death.

Heaven forbid, however, that we should give those same dying people access to medicinal marijuana.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Nature's Fury

The toll in yesterday's devastating tsunamis continues to mount. Michael Dobbs, a Washington Post writer, was swimming off the coast of a small island near Sri Lanka when the wave hit. He has written a first hand account of what that was like.

Speaking of the Post, it's front page featured the below photo from Thailand. The level of destruction, with piles of debris littering the streets and cars thrown every which way, was evidence of the fury Mother Nature is capable of producing. Needless to say, the picture left me absolutely stunned and utterly speechless, with only one thought echoing through my mind:

"I didn't know Thailand had 7-11's."

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Friday, December 24, 2004

The Meaning of Christmas

The nice thing about having Christmas fall on a Saturday is that it buys you a whole additional week to procrastinate. But alas, time is almost up, so I suppose I should get my Christmas cards done.

Now many of you are saying, "But Lugosi, tomorrow is Christmas Day and the post offices are closed. And the 26th is a Sunday, so again, the post offices are closed. There's no possible way anyone will your card till the 28th at the absolute earliest. What do you have to say for yourself?"

What do I have to say for myself!?! Hey, I'm not the one talking to my computer, pal.

Once you get past the mental health aspects of it, my system makes perfect sense. Over the last several weeks I've been setting aside all the cards I've gotten. Tonight I'll simply take them and compile my Christmas card list using the return addresses from the envelopes. That way I don't waste time sending a card to anyone who wasn't considerate enough to send me theirs on time.

Pretty good system, eh?

And then tomorrow I'll do my Christmas shopping. "But Lugosi," I hear some of you saying. "Tomorrow is Christmas Day. The stores are all closed. There's no way you can do your shopping."

Let me first say that you're really starting to creep me out with that constant talking to yourselves. Please go see a responsible mental health professional for some help. But beyond that, all the stores are NOT closed. 7-11 is open!

Yes, it's true. I do my Christmas shopping at a convenience store. Perhaps a bit odd by societal standards, but certainly not as weird as trying to converse with me through a computer screen. And if you think about it, Christmas shopping at 7-11 actually makes a lot of sense. Not only can I buy my presents and wrapping paper, but I can also fill up on gas and eat breakfast, all at the same time!

The only drawback is getting the scotch tape to stick when I wrap those frozen burritos.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Track Him, Shoot Him, And Skin Him

For those of you who wish to track Santa during his Christmas Eve journey, whether for the enjoyment of your kids or simply for a chance to take a shot at the jolly old elf, you can click the sleigh to the left. For the 50th year in a row, NORAD stops by scanning the skies for missiles carrying instant, fiery death, and instead devotes its full resources to tracking Santa Claus.

I don't know about you, but I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart just thinking about that.... Followed by a deep, primal sense of utter terror deep in the pit of my stomach.

Now in case you don't have a computer and are thus unable to read this blog entry, NORAD is also providing a helpful toll free phone number at 1-877-446-6723. You can call for eyewitness accounts of Santa's flyovers, as well as the likely trajectories of any nuclear missiles launched by hostile powers because our guard was down.


Wonder If She's Met Mr. Broom Handle Yet?
Martha Stewart is complaining that not only is prison life is harsh, but that the food is bad! She has also begun calling for reforms in sentencing guidelines.

This is a very noble cause that Miss Stewart has undertaken, and is certainly not influenced in anyway by her own current situation.

On the other hand, she has already made her own impact on the prison system:


But Would Someone Have Still Come Up With Grand Theft Auto?
Heard the following on a local radio station, but have no idea who actually wrote it.

If The Three Wise Men had actually been Three Wise Women, they would have stopped to ask for directions and arrived in time.

They would have helped deliver the baby Jesus.

Afterwards they would have cleaned the manger.

They would have brought practical gifts, including a nice casserole dish.

And we really would have peace on Earth.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004


If there's one thing we here in Washington are proud of--aside from the creation of ever larger bureaucracies, that is--it's our traffic congestion. Our traffic is currently ranked third worst in the nation, and we're damn proud of it. Some day soon we hope to be number one.

One of the wonderful things about such horrible congestion is that it really doesn't take much to bring entire highways to a halt. It's not unusual to encounter a two mile backup simply because someone is changing a tire on the OTHER side of the highway.

This morning's mess, however, became the stuff of legend. Shortly before 4 A.M. a tanker truck loaded with 8000 gallons of fuel went over a guardrail and exploded. Fortunately, this did not happen out in the middle of the boondocks where such a spectacular event would have been wasted on the cows. No, this happened about a mile outside DC and within a half mile or so of the Pentagon (Thereby causing a brief sense of panic among nearby residents who feared another 9/11). Interstate 395, which is the principle route into the city from Virginia, ended up being closed in both directions for much of the morning rush hour. To make thing even more interesting, the burning fuel also got into the storm drains and sewers.

There was no immediate word on what effect this would have on the alligators that live down there.


And Wash Your Hands Afterwards
Lovers of great literature will be pleased to learn that Courtney Love is planning a tell-all book in which she plans to name names. It is not immediately clear if those will be the names of the men she's been with, or the names of the various viruses she's encountered. Either way, it should be a really thick book.

The first 1,000 thousand buyers will receive a complementary biohazard suit.


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Heavenly Sightings

The International Space Station has been suffering from neglect and deferred maintenance since the US Shuttle fleet was grounded almost two years ago. Still, the mission goes on, and the Russians recently launched a robotic resupply mission with much needed food. The two craft will rendezvous on Christmas day.

Weather permitting, the International Space Station will be visible to the naked eye several times during the upcoming holidays. To us Earthbound observers, it will appear as a steady point of light moving swiftly across the night sky, trailing several thousand miles of debris, trash, and spare parts.


Monday, December 20, 2004

There Were Quite A Few Of Them Lying Around The Parking Lot

You know that expression about it being cold enough to freeze "your balls off?" That's pretty much describes today. The temperatures were in the single digits this morning in many areas, with windchills pushing -10. But that's okay, because the highs this afternoon were relatively balmy in the low 20's.

Where the hell's that global warming Bush promised us?

All this cold follows a relatively interesting afternoon yesterday. The front that came through first hit with rain, which quickly became snow. That transition was actually heralded by a few claps of thunder. There is something vaguely Armageddon-like about lightning during a blizzard.

After chipping the ice, snow, and minor glacial formations off my car this morning, I decided to run back inside for a few minutes to warm up. That's when I felt it: Something akin to large fuzzy marbles rolling down the inside of my pants leg. This was a somewhat disconcerting sensation, and when I looked to see what was going on, it turned out to be my testicles! That's right, my balls had quite literally frozen off!!

Anyway, I just used duct tape to reattach them, and everything seems to be fine now.


Sunday, December 19, 2004

Official Crap Catcher

Poor Donald Rumsfeld. Things just getting worse for him. Last week he was catching a lot of crap over the lack of armor for the troops, and now he's in a new sandstorm of criticism because he wasn't personally signing the condolence letters to the families of those killed in Iraq. Instead, a machine was stamping his apparent signature on the letters while misleading family members into thinking he had done so himself.

So if I understand this correctly, not only was his negligence contributing to the high casulty count, he didn't feel it was worth his time to pick up a pen to express his remorse over the very deaths he was partially responsible for!

Now if that's not irony, I don't know what is.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

At Least Homer Is Staying Put

In a surprise move, the Oakland A's have traded Mulder to the Cardinals.

Hell, I didn't even know he had left the 'X-Files!'


Christmas Greetings
Some how it just wouldn't be the holidays if you didn't hear from old friends, such as the guy who killed who killed 3000 Americans on a single day. Of course, that's not counting the hundreds of others killed in attacks overseas since 9/11.

But at least we caught Saddam! Now if only he had been threat....

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Arson Arrest

Last week someone set fire to over two dozen homes under construction in Charles County, Maryland. Over ten million dollars worth of damage was done, and the case has been described as the largest arson case ever in that state's history. Early speculation was that eco terrorists were responsible since the development was in an environmentally sensitive area.

However, in what can only be described as a surprise development, authorities have arrested a security guard who worked at the site. It is not yet clear what his motive was.

More importantly, what the hell was he thinking? If someone supposedly sneaked in and set fire to all those homes on his shift, he would end up looking bad. On the other hand, the mere fact that he may turn out to be the person responsible also makes him look bad.... To put it mildly. So it's an obvious lose-lose situation!

Meanwhile, DC area baseball fans continue to seek DC Council Chairwoman Linda Cropp for singlehandedly torching DC's prospects for a baseball team.


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Spit Happens

Scientists have discovered that a person can use spit to detect oral cancer, as well as certain other tumors.

Hmmm.... Maybe I can convince Britney Spears to let me give her an exam.

What's that? Spit can only detect tumors in yourself, not in someone else!?!

Well, don't tell her that, and maybe I'll still stand a chance!

Speaking of Britney, she recently took her pet poodle out to a fancy-schmancy restaurant in Vegas and ordered a $100 steak just for him. Sadly, it turned out the dog had better table manners than Britney's husband.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Lost And Not Found

One of my favorite shows on TV remains the ever intriguing 'Lost.' And in case there had been any doubt of my loyalty, it was erased last week with the 'Star Trek' reference.

Two of the characters were out searching for someone, and one of them had marking their trail with pieces of cloth torn from a red shirt. So He makes some reference about how he suddenly feels very expendable because of what always happens to the people with the red shirts on 'Star Trek.' Never having seen the show, the other guy doesn't understand the reference. So the first guy goes into this explanation about how Kirk would beam down to a planet with a group, and inevitably it would be some guy in the red shirt who ends up being eaten by the alien, or turned into a cube of salt, or vaporized in a surprise attack.

So the second guy thinks about this a moment and says, "I guess the Captain was a piss poor leader."

An interesting point, but probably not one I would bring up to Captain Kirk while he's cleaning his phaser.

I mention this up because 'Lost' is going into reruns for a while, and ABC is airing the first two episodes tomorrow (Wednesday) night. If you have any interest in checking out the show, this would be a good time to start.


Monday, December 13, 2004


For the past couple of weeks, Scott Peterson's attorneys have been parading family members and his close friends through the courtroom to talk about what a wonderful, caring human being he is. It was all very touching and moving, and I don't doubt that Scott really was an exemplary person.... Right up until the point he decided to chop his pregnant wife's head off and dump her body in the ocean. That's the sort of temporary lapse in judgement that--rightly or wrongly--tends to overshadow the time you helped change a total stranger's flat tire.

Today the jury proved that it wasn't moved by the warm fuzzy stories, and decided to sentence Scott Peterson to death.

I realize that most of the world considers capital punishment barbaric, but I have no problem with it in principle. If a person is guilty of deliberately killing another human being, then the death penalty is justified.

Some critics argue that it merely lowers society to the level of the murderer. Well, that may or may not be true. But it is true that the killer once made a deliberate decision to take another life. Therefore, if he or she has no problem with it, then why shouldn't the rest of us apply the same standard when it comes to meting out justice?

I will admit, however, that in the real world the death penalty is applied unevenly. All too often it is the poor and destitute who can't afford high priced legal talent who end up getting stuck with the ultimate penalty. And there have been too many recent cases in which it has turned out, thanks to advances in DNA testing, that the wrong person has been behind bars, or even on death row. Granted, to date there have been no proven cases of an innocent person being executed, but there have been close calls.

The problem isn't with the death penalty itself, but rather with the overall justice system. If we're going to sentence someone to die, we need to be damn sure that the person is truly guilty and not just the victim of an overworked public defender. But in cases where there really is no doubt--where the evidence is truly solid--there is no need to feel sorry for a cold blooded killer.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Friday, December 10, 2004

Spin Doctor

Chrysler has reluctantly agreed to recall 600,000 Dodge trucks and SUV's because the ball joints have a tendancy to fail. If that happens, the front suspension collapses and the wheel may come completely off. Even so, company spokesman Max Gates insists this is not a "safety issue."

Huh? A freaking wheel falling off at 60 mph is not a safety issue!?!?!

Anyone able to so completely ignore facts, shut out the real world, and exist in blissful state of absolute denial should consider getting a job with the Bush Administration.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The Atkins Diet Is So Yesterday
Some guy in Minnesota has come out with a new weight loss plan called the Northwoods Diet. This comes as the Atkins and South Beach diets are waning in popularity.

What the heck.... I may as well get rich by coming out my own plan for shedding pounds. I'm going to call it the "Put Down the F*cking Cupcakes and Get Up Off Your Fat Ass Diet."



Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Happy Holidays, You're Fired!
Just in time for the holidays, America On Line has laid off 750 employees. The layoffs were prompted by the company's ongoing loss of subscribers. In fact, AOL has lost about 2 million customers over the past year.

However, no one was laid off at any of the company's call centers, so most AOL users shouldn't notice a deterioration in service.

On the other hand, how would anyone tell the difference?


---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press


Not Just for Gargling
Police in Des Moines, Iowa were called to check on a man who had been drinking mouthwash. Rescue squad workers were also summoned to the scene, but it turned out the man was fine, though somewhat inebriated. According to those who examined him, the man had been drinking mouthwash for some ten years now. And even though there are warnings on the bottles not to swallow the mouthwash, his body had come to tolerate the otherwise poisonous ingredients.

Well, the guy may be a drunk and a total failure as a human being, but at least he practices good oral hygiene.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Giant Slayers
Last week I predicted, after a great deal of thoughtful ananlysis of the facts, a careful review of past history, and several six packs of cheap beer, that the Redskins would not score more than 20 points again in a single game until the year 2072. Well, earlier today they defeated the New York Giants 31-7. Hmmm.... Obviously my knack for predicting the future, begun when I so accurately called the presidential election last month, remains intact.

Anybody want some stock market tips?

Saturday, December 04, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Friday, December 03, 2004

Cream Filled Evidence
A Krispy Kreme deliveryman in Pennsylvania stopped at a store and foolishly left the engine running. Needless to say, someone jumped into the truck and took off. Police were quickly called, and found that this would be an easy case to solve since the back doors had been left open. It seems that as the thief made his getaway, he ended up leaving a trail of donuts behind him.

Police simply followed the trail to an adjacent town where they were able to recover the stolen vehicle.

No immediate word on whether the investigating officers kept stopping to eat the donuts.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Is That A Wand In Your Shorts Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
For a number of years now, the Washington Wizards have been something of a joke within the NBA. Season after season, their records were among the worst in the league.

Things may finally be turning around for them, however, as they are off to their best start since 1985. They've won five of their last six games, and are 8-5 for the season thus far.

There is, however, one highly disappointing aspect of their play: So far, none of the players have gone into the stands to kick anyone's ass.



Wednesday, December 01, 2004

O Canada
President Bush is currently in Canada trying to mend fences with our northern neighbors. The people of that country, like 99% of the rest of the world, remain vehemently opposed to what the United States has done in Iraq, and they continue to greet the President with the ol' one fingered salute whenever his motorcade passes by. In fact, the situation is so bad that Bush cancelled a planned speech to the Canadian Parliament because of fears they would heckle him.

It remains to be seen how much healing Mr. Bush can actually accomplish. But if all else fails, we can always invade Montreal.


---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

Monday, November 29, 2004

Merry Christmas And Pass the Axe
Every year the Christmas tree that graces the west lawn of the U.S. Capitol comes from a different state. The tree that will do so this year arrived in DC earlier today, and for the first time it's one from Virginia.

The winner is--or was--a magnificent 82 foot tall red spruce that had been growing in the George Washington National Forest for the last 106 years. The red spruce is actually native to New England, and survives this far south only in isolated pockets at higher elevations. Plus, the area where this particular tree was found was largely clearcut by timber companies some 80 years ago. It was only by dumb luck this particular one survived and grew into such a proud and beautiful representative of its species.

The lesson in all this? If you're a tree, you'll live longer if you remain a pathetic, scrawny sapling.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

1936 Just Won't Go Away

The Pittsburgh Steelers are currently one of the best teams in the NFL. They are the only team to have handed Philadphia and New England losses this year, and the Steelers will likely be in the Super Bowl come February.

So when the hapless Washington Redkins went up against them earlier today, pretty much everyone was expecting a bloodbath. And though the Skins lost 16-7, at least they didn't thoroughly embarrass themselves like in last week's 26-6 loss to the Eagles.

Indeed, the Redskins have been having a horrible year, and it's all the more disappointing because everyone had such high hopes with the return of Joe Gibbs. Not only are they at a dismal 3-8 for the season, the team has now gone 11 games without scoring at least 20 points. This is the first time that has happened since 1936.

But the low point had to be when they blew the outcome of the presidential election. As you may recall, the Redskins had been accurately forecasting the outcome of the presidential election since--there's that year again--1936. Whenever the team lost their last home game prior to election day, the incumbent party would end up losing the White House. Likewise, whenever Washington won their last home game before the election, the incumbent party kept the White House (See item 5). So when the Skins lost to Green Bay at home on Oct. 31, it seemed to foretell a John Kerry victory on Nov. 2.

Oh, and there's one other noteworthy item about how 1936 ties into the events of 2004: It's the last time the cicadas came out during a presidential election year!

Yes, it's true. Those horny little buggers, who operate on a 17 year cycle, emerged to have sweaty cicada sex in 1987, 1970, 1953, and... 1936!

Isn't it obvious what this means? The Redskins won't be scoring 20 points or more again until the year 2072!

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Buy It Or He'll Kick Your Ass
NBA bad boy Ron Artest can't seem to get a break. He was unjustly suspended for the rest of the season for trying to kill a spectator a fan last Friday night. Then earlier this week a lot of people criticized him for not showing any remorse over his actions when he was interviewed on the Today Show. In fact, every time host Matt Lauer tied to ask him about the brawl, instead of answering the question Artest would work in another plug for his new rap CD, Chapter III.

Despite all that free publicity, the aforementioned CD just isn't selling. Tower Records in DC sold only three copies the first day it was out, and is reporting its ranking as being 13,565.

---------------Cameron Cardow, Ottawa Citizen

I will admit that I was one of the three people who bought a copy of the album. No, I haven't listened to it, nor do I plan to. But if Artest shows up at my front door and tries to kick my ass, I'll at least be able to pull out the CD and beg for mercy.

The rest of you are on your own.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Today is traditionally considered the biggest shopping day of the year, and many retailers are out to get as much of your money as quickly as they can. Kay-Bee Toys is opening as early as 5 A.M. Others, such as Circuit City, Best Buy, And Sears are opening at 6.

This is kind of early for most people to be dragging their keisters out of bed just to go shopping. That's why Target stores are offering free, no obligation wake-up calls from celebrities such as Ice T, Heidi Klum, Cheech Marin, and even Darth Vader.

This is an extremely clever idea, but it does propmpt one important question: Who the heck is Heidi Klum?

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Thursday, November 25, 2004

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Oh Thank Heaven for 7-11
I'm afraid to go into Starbucks.

I think my fear is due to emotional scars that still inhabit my psyche. You see, the first time I ever wandered into one of their stores, I made the mistake of ordering a "medium coffee." No fancy-schmancy cappuwhatever or frappasomething. All I wanted was a "medium coffee," and that's what I ordered.

Needless to say, everyone began laughing and pointing, and I quickly fled in tears.

The whole incident left me bitter and disillusioned, and to this day I have never set foot in another Starbucks. Just between you and me and the keyboard, I still don't know what a "latte" is. And don't even think about asking me to explain the cup sizes!! Just what the hell is a "venti" anyway? I mean, if I wanted to learn freakin' eye-talian, I'd go take a foreign language class.

Now comes word that Starbucks has prepared a 22 page "Guide to Beverages." Is this what our world has come to? An instruction manual to order a cup of coffee!?!

Besides, I'm a man. I don't do instruction manuals.


---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday


I went to the fights last night and a basketball game broke out.

Monday, November 22, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Sports news for the last several days has been dominated by talk about the big brawl at the Detroit Pistons/Indiana Pacers game the other night. While fights between opposing players during a game are not that unusual, this was one of the few times that players have actually gone after fans in the stands. Today, the NBA suspended Indiana's Ron Artest for the rest of the season for his role in the melee.

The whole thing was actually started by a Detroit fan when he threw a cup of beer at some of the Pacers. Did that childish act justify a near riot? Well, I certainly think so. And instead of a suspension, Artest should be given a medal for trying to subdue an obviously deranged lunatic.

I mean, have you seen the price of concessions these days at sporting events? At seven bucks for a 16 oz. cup of beer, you'd have to be seriously crazy to go around throwing the stuff at people.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Gobble, Gobble, Arrgh....
In what is one of the odder traditions around here, the President has issued his annual pardon on behalf two turkeys. This years lucky recipients were named, appropriately enough, Biscuits and Gravy. The normally lighthearted event nearly turned tragic when Bush inexplicably grabbed one of the defenseless birds by the throat and decided to demonstrate exactly what he would do if he ever met filmmaker Michael Moore.

A benefit of the pardon is that the lucky pair will be allowed to live out their remaining days at a nearby Virginia petting zoo. Meanwhile, millions of their brothers in feathers will be slaughtered for no reason other than that they voted for John Kerry.

After the ceremony there was an embarrassing mix up when petting zoo officials inadvertently took the wrong pair of turkeys back to Virginia. The mistake was discovered when the President of Sri Lanka, an integral member of the Coalition of the Willing, showed up for a meeting and discovered Biscuits sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office. A subsequent search of the White House grounds failed to turn up either President Bush or Vice President Cheney.

Petting zoo officials were contacted and arrangements quickly made to correct the mistake.


---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution Click for story

Thursday, November 18, 2004

But Does It Have a Cigar Shop?
The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library was dedicated in Arkansas today. It is expected to immediately become one of the top tourist draws in the state because, well, it's Arkansas.

The library features stunning architecture, a timeline of the Clinton presidency stretching the length of the gallery, a full-scale replica of the Oval Office, interactive displays, and a bucking mechanical intern that visitors can ride for a quarter.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Of Course the Needle Is Sterile. I Wiped It on My Pants!
Lionel Richie's estranged wife has been arrested for running an illegal plastic surgery operation out of her home. Evidently she would hold "botox parties" during which her boyfriend would inject people with various anti-wrinkle medicines. Unfortunately he was unlicensed to do so, and several people suffered complications from the injections.

Hmmm.... I have an old wet vac out in the garage that's just sitting there. Maybe I'll hold a liposuction party next Saturday night!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

---------------McPherson, Close to Home

Monday, November 15, 2004

Some Helpful Tips
Microsoft has announced it is releasing Service Pack 6, which will plug the holes in Service Pack 5, which took care of the holes in Service Pack 4, which was supposed to cure the problems with Service Pack 3, which improved on Service Pack 2. As a public service, here is a sneak peak at some of the features of SP6.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

That Was Special "Medicinal" Spinach in That Pipe of His
Popeye the Sailor Man turns 75 this year, and to mark the occasion the Museum of Television and Radio in New York today unveiled a new exhibit dedicated to the man who made spinach seem almost edible.

After leaving the service, Popeye married his longtime love, Olive Oil. Their wedded bliss was short-lived, however, as the bride soon started a illicit love affair with her husband's arch-nemesis, Bluto. It didn't take Popeye long to discover what had been going on behind his back, and in a drunken rage he killed Bluto.

He was convicted of manslaughter and served 23 years in a federal prison. Deprived of his precious spinach, Popeye proved to be a spineless wimp and quickly became a popular bitch to be passed around among the other inmates.

Upon his release, Popeye tried his hand at a number of menial occupations. His uneven temper and frequent bouts with depression made him incapable of holding down a job. Out of work, and unable to afford even the cheapest store brand cans of spinach, the former sailor turned instead to booze and drugs.

Popeye awoke one day in the late 90's and decided to take stock of his life. Faced with with mounting medical bills because of mouth cancer brought on by the constant smoking of that pipe, and tired of being Courtney Love's aging boy toy, Popeye decided to clean up his act. In a bold move, he quit both alcohol and heroin cold turkey. He went on to become an obnoxious self-righteous born again Christian who was constantly passing judgment on others. And yes, he voted for George Bush on Nov. 2.

When last heard from, the retired navy man was working as a greeter at a Wal-Mart outside Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Friday, November 12, 2004

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Is That a Vegetable in Your Pocket or Are You Just a Sex Ed Teacher?
Parents in Montgomery County, Maryland, are in an uproar over a new sex education course being offered to high school students. Among its more controversial elements is the way the class deals with the discussion of homosexuality. Also, it features a video in which a girl is shown fitting a condom onto a cucumber.

This really is outrageous!! Kids should be allowed to learn about sex the same way I did: From the sticky pages of tawdry magazines found under my dad's mattress!


Don't They Usually Travel in Pairs?
Believe it or not, Janet Jackson's exposed breast continues to jiggle across the American landscape. It's latest victim is tonight's showing of Saving Private Ryan.

For the last several years, ABC has shown the Steven Spielberg's movie every Veterans Day. And under the terms of the agreement between the director and the TV network, the film is to be shown in its entirety, completely unedited and uncensored. In the past, this has not been a problem.

This year, in the wake of heavy fines imposed on local broadcasters that unwittingly aired Jackson's Super Bowl stunt, a number of TV stations have decided to pass on it. The reason? The movie is graphically violent and peppered with raw language. Consequently, the local station owners are afraid of getting hit with more fines.

Oh, puh-LEEZW!!!

American mothers and fathers don't care if with their little ones see a movie with graphic scenes of mass death, severed limbs, heads exploding into a cloud of red mist, and blood squirting every which way. Nor are they likely concerned with the occasional 'f*ck' or 'sh*t.' So no, violence is not a problem for parents.

However, heaven forbid that their precious little Percy should ever see a cucumber wearing a rubber.


---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Britney With Child?
Rumors have surfaced that Britney Spears is pregnant. If true, and if it turns out to be a boy, that will mean that Spears will have TWO unemployed guys leeching off her.


---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Bang! Bang! Oops!
An F-16 assigned to the DC national Guard strafed a school in New Jersey one night last week. An estimated 25 rounds hit the building's roof and several actually damaged a classroom below. Embarrassed Guard officials insist the incident was an accident.

Hmmm.... The plane just happened to fly out of Andrews Air Force Base, which is the same one President Bush uses.... And New Jersey just happened to vote for John Kerry....

Accident my ass!


---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Good Grief!
Granted, I'm upset that Bush won, but I'm not THIS upset!!




Redskins Finally Win Again
Amazingly, the Redskins have managed to win another game, beating the Detroit Lions 17-10. This is osmething of a surprise since Detroit was having a decent season going into today (4-3), compared to Washington's 2-5 record.

The winning touchdown actually came off a pass not by quarterback Mark Brunell, but by running back Clinton Portis. While this may sound surprising, it's really not. Portis is one of the few bright spots on the team's offense. Brunell, on the other hand, seems to have better luck completing passes to opposing players than to his fellow Redskins. So obviously the key to the Washington's passing game is to have someone other than the QB throw the ball.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Just Remember Not to Drink the Remote
The only way I've been able to get through the last several days is through the calming power of heavy drinking. And every time I would begin to sober up, I'd start thinking about how 59 million of my fellow citizens decided that strong moral values are the most important quality of a President and thus voted for a man who has repeatedly lied to them. Then I would start another bottle of Jack Daniels, and the insanity of their twisted logic would no longer matter.

Tomorrow night, however, I'll have to remember to let the alcohol induced haze lift long enough to catch the season premier of one of my favorite shows, Arrested Development. One reviewer describes it as "Dynasty as it might be rewritten for the Three Stooges if there were a dozen of them." That seems like a fairly accurate summation of the show.

Of course, it will be preceded by The Simpsons' annual "Treehouse of Horror" Halloween episode.... Even though, in a strictly technical sense, Halloween was LAST Sunday.

And after this magical hour is over, I'll be free to return to my drunken stupor.