Showing posts with label Picking on the French. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Picking on the French. Show all posts

Friday, June 19, 2009

Friday, June 06, 2008

Remembering D-Day

Pretty much every time I mention France, it's in some snide context. This is NOT one of those times.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Next On 'Cops:'Arresting The Grim Reaper

The mayor of a small French village has banned anyone from dying without already having purchased a cemetery plot. He instituted the measure to protest a ruling that prevents him from enlarging the existing cemetery's size. Mayor Gerard Lalanne warns of "severe punishment" for offenders.

Huh? What's he gonna do? This is one crime for which capital punishment is unlikely to be a significant deterrent.

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Message To The People Of France

Apparently many French are embarrassed by President Nicolas Sarkozy's behavior. They're upset by his love of yachts and private jets, and the fact that he married his super model girlfriend after knowing her for only 80 days. Many go as far as to question his mental health.

As an American, I can only say to the people of France: Shut up!!! You have nothing to be ashamed about. Has your President invaded a country, then lied about his rationale for doing so? Has your President caused tens of thousands of deaths through his foolhardy actions? Did your President defy world opinion by saying "we'll go it alone," invading that country anyway, then when it became obvious he had f*cked up, turn around and tell the world it was their duty to help? Has your President's generally reckless pursuit of foreign policy alienated the majority of the world?

Has your President turned his back on everything science has taught the world and questioned the validity of evolution? Has your President repeatedly shown a blatant disregard for your nation's Constitution? Has your President used some sort of twisted logic to justify the very kind of torture that your nation once prosecuted Japanese soldiers for using pm your own troops?

Has your President repeatedly mangled your native language?

Does your President try to maintain public support by invoking fear?

If you answered "no" to any of the above questions, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Keeping Your Priorities Straight

Monday, November 12, 2007

In Defense Of France

I pick on the French a lot, and the arrogant SOB's usually deserve it. Their waiters look down their noses at you if you can't pronounce every word on the menu perfectly, they're constantly surrendering to the Germans, they consider stuffed goose livers a delicacy, and their women don't shave their armpits.

That said, Bill Maher makes some excellent points on their behalf:

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Time To Get Serious About Stopping Immigration

No word on whether Fox News' Bill O'Reilly suffered a stroke upon hearing this, but here's an alarming statistic: The number of immigrants in the United States has hit a record 37.5 million (out of a population of 300 million). Additionally, nearly one in every five households speaks a language OTHER than English at home!!! Of the 50 known states, West Virginia had the lowest percentage of immigrants, at only 1.2%. This is not all that surprising, since most foreign cultures frown upon marrying your own relatives.

Immigration is clearly out of control. After all, America was built by Americans, not by people coming to America on rickety wooden sailing ships, seeking freedom and a chance to build a new life for their families.

So why do all these immigrants keep coming here? Well, apparently it's got something to do with these unpatriotic, America-hating words:
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Now before you jump all over me for encouraging even more damn foreigners to come here in pursuit of better lives for themselves and their families, let me point out that I am NOT the one who wrote that horribly subversive poem.

Rather, those words are the inscription on the base of the Statue of Liberty. And if that's not bad enough, this stupid statue was a gift from France. Yes, France!!! A known foreign country!!! How those French snuck that thing into New York Harbor remains a mystery, but it is clearly only encouraging non-native Americans from coming here, stealing our jobs as cab drivers, convenience store clerks, and leaf blower operators.

Republicans talk a mean talk when it comes to immigration reform, but it's really just empty drivel. If they are truly serious about making the American way of life safe from alien cultures, they need to follow through with some tough actions, and I don't mean that asinine 1500 mile wall along our southern border. That idea will fail the moment some damn Mexican looking to make enough money to feed his starving family figures out how to operate a step ladder.

The time for further debate is past. It's time to act. That's why I will throw my support to the first Republican presidential candidate who advocates tearing down the Statue of Liberty (someone apparently has already thought of that, but he's not running for President).

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Turmoil In France

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been in office barely a month and already his office has been rocked by a major scandal. Indeed, the people of France are in such an uproar that they may actually fight back if someone tries to invade.

And what is the nature of this scandal, you ask? Has he been caught boinking his secretary? Accepting bribes from the foie gras industry? Hosting pajama parties with Michael Jackson? Starting a war under false pretenses?

No, no, just rumors, and no.

The truth is actually much, MUCH worse: Sarkozy has been caught (GASP!) jogging!

Yes, it's true. President Sarkozy exercises. In shorts. And it is for this reason that the French Republic may fall.

Apparently, such things just aren't done in France. One intellectual appeared on a news show and declared jogging to be an "undignified" exercise, and suggested that exposing the boss's naked knees is something that never would have occurred in the time of (former President) Mitterrand or Louis XIV. And Charles Bremner, the Paris correspondent for the Times of London, says that Sarkozy has fueled a French suspicion that running is for self-centered individualists like Americans.

Excuse me? What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? There is nothing I hate more than the perpetuation of ignorance fueled stereotypes, especially when it comes from cheese-eating French surrender monkeys.

Besides, I don't run.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


As many are aware, the French Government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.
------From an email (author unknown)

Friday, July 14, 2006


Some of the wackos at Fox News are saying that we are in the middle of World War III.

That's just stupid. There's no WWIII. No one's invaded France yet!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Frog Bashing

It is absolutely amazing what has been going on in France. The country has been roiled by marches and demonstrations for the past week, and today virtually the entire nation was been shut down by widespread strikes. The Eiffel Tower was closed, subways in Paris were idle, airports were being forced to cancel flights, and newspapers didn't publish.

Oh, and the cause of all this unrest?

The government is trying to push through laws that will make it easier for employers to fire non-performing workers.

Now is that outrageous, or what? I mean, can you imagine losing your job simply because you repeatedly fail to show up for work, or don't have a clue how to run a cash register, or drive a city bus while drunk, or tell customers to go f*ck themselves, or get pissed off and kill the boss with your bare hands? Heaven forbid that workers in France should somehow be treated the same as workers in every other industrialized nation. I guess the fact that even new hires are guarranteed five weeks of vacation a year and a 35 hour workweek isn't enough.

Is it any wonder so many people hate the French?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Monday, August 01, 2005

Monday, July 25, 2005

Ya Gotta Love The French

French President Jacques Chirac recently said that "the only thing the British have ever given European farming is mad cow." Well, I'm on the other side of the other Atlantic, so I can't say for sure whether or not that's true.

France's contributions to Europe--indeed, the world--are beyond question, however. They have given us excellent wines, wonderful champagne, the world's finest cuisine, and all while perfecting the art of the unconditional surrender.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Remember What Happened The Last Time

In a major setback for attempts to create a "United States of Europe," French voters have rejected the proposed constitution for the European Union. Nine other countries, including Germany, have already ratified the document, which would have created a "President of Europe," given the Union a foreign minister, and made voting faster among member nations.

This is an extremely dangerous move by the people of France. Are they really sure they want to go pissing off the Germans again?

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Pedal Power
Lance Armstrong is now firmly in the lead of this year's Tour de France, and it would appear that the only thing that may stop him are disgruntled fans who want to take their anger at America out on him. Disturbing reports have surfaced that many of the spectators along the race route are jeering and even spitting on Armstrong.

Unusual, huh? I mean, the French have such a reputation for being polite, it's a shame that something like this has to happen.

Whatever problems people of other nations may have with America's foreign policies, they should keep in mind that Lance Armstrong is in no way responsible for decisions made by the Bush Adminstration. So if you're frustrated with this country's leadership, fine, direct that anger at the individuals responsible. That does not include Armstrong, or me, or the American tourist with the enormous gut riding up the Eiffel Tower elevator.

Lance Armstrong survived a serious bout with cancer a few years ago. The fact that 90 or 95% of people in his situation at the time would have died within six months makes his current accomplishments even more impressive--and all the more precious. Give the man a break; he's lucky to even be alive.

On the other hand, he's also banging Sheryl Crowe, so how much good fortune can a single individual be entitled to?

Anyway, if the French want to continue to behave like jerks, fine. But I say we give the Germans a call and tell them that if they want to invade France again, go ahead. This time we won't get involved.


---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer


That's Clucking Ridiculous
A major West Virginia based supplier of chickens to KFC has been accused of abusing and torturing the birds.

Authorities were alerted after the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals obtained photos of PFC Lynndie England leading chickens around on a leash.


Mr. Smarty Pants Update
Ken Jennings continues his incredible run on Jeopardy!, having now won 36 straight times. However, he is beginning to encounter an increasing amount of animosity. For example, last night his competitors were spitting on him.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Pedal Faster
The Tour de France will resume tomorrow. American Lance Armstrong is currently in second place. Assuming he can capture first place and maintain it, he will be rolling triumphantly through the streets of Paris for the sixth time this Sunday.

Even the German army managed that feat only twice.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Maybe It Was That Metric/English Conversion Thing In Reverse This Time
It now appears that the European Space Agency's attempt to land a probe on the surface of Mars has failed. On the other hand, it's not clear why this spacecraft was launched in the first place.

I thought only Americans had permission to screw up missions to Mars.

Fly The Scary Skies, Part II
French authorities have questioned and released several men who were scheduled to fly to the US from Paris on Air France 68. Acoording to the French, there was no evidence that these individuals had any plans to hijack the plane and crash it into an American target.

Well, let's hope not. But we must also keep in mind that it was the French who interrogated Richard Reid in 2001 after he was pulled from an American Airlines plane in Paris because he was acting suspiciously. They eventually concluded he was harmless and allowed him to leave Paris the next day on another American Airlines flight. That was the plane Reid tried to blow up over the Atlantic by lighting the explosives hidden in his shoes.

So you'll have to excuse me if my confidence in the abilities of French interrogators is less than overwhelming.

Monday, September 08, 2003

Fun With Frog Bashing

Like all true, red-blooded, patriotic Americans, there is nothing in this world I enjoy more than mocking the French.
Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post Magazine, who was Dave Barry's editor once upon a time and has a similar sense of humor, has written an excellent piece about his recent visit to France. Any possible hope for an early reconciliation between our two nations is certain to go up in flames if Head French weenie Jacques Chirac ever reads it.

The Check Is In The Mail
Just checked my mail, and as usual, it's nothing but bills. Here's a sampling of just today's:

Water & Sewer--$21.47
Iraq--$87 billion

Jeez.... Hope I can get some overtime this month....

not That Kind Of Flash
Got myself arrested over the weekend. No, nothing really bad or anything. I mean, it's not like I attached a bomb to my neck or climbed the White House fence chasing a Frisbee; still, the incident was highly embarrassing.
Somebody had invited me to something called a "flash mob." Unfortunately, I totally misunderstood the term and showed up in a trenchcoat with no pants.

Send Lawyers, Guns, And Werewolves
The band in Rock & Roll Heaven has gotten another fine addition with the passing of Warren Zevon. While never really achieving megastar status, he certainly left his his unique mark on rock with "Werewolves of London" and "Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money." And while it may be difficult at times to define the term "classic rock," Werewolves is certainly worthy of the label.
There is no greater feeling than walking down a crowded sidewalk, listening to that song on your Walkman headphones, and suddenly bursting into song with the chorus and an ear-piercing "AAARRRRROOOO!!!!!!" People will immediately scatter, and you'll have the entire sidewalk to yourself.
Come to think of it, that would be a great idea for a flash mob.