Thursday, July 31, 2008

Seniority Counts

War? What War?

The Rand Corporation, a nonpartisan private think tank, has come out with an interesting new study. Bottom line: The so-called "War on Terror" is a failure because it has failed to significantly hurt Al-Qaeda's capabilities.

However, it has failed not because of any particular lack of military strategy. Rather, according to the report, it has failed because combating terrorism can't be done by the military. In other words, terrorism needs to be thought of as a law enforcement issue. "Terrorists should be perceived and described as criminals, not holy warriors," according to the report's authors.

This is not that far-fetched. Keep in mind that the terrorist plot to bomb airliners in 2006 was thwarted not by brilliant military tactics on a battlefield, but rather by good old fashioned police work by Scotland Yard.

The report goes on to suggest that especially in Muslim countries, there should be a "light U.S. military footprint or none at all" since the presence of American troops serves to increase terrorist recruitment.

Our Non-Existent Recession May Be Over

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Anybody Got a Bus Schedule Handy?

With the Bush presidency winding down like a worn out cuckoo clock, most of us tend to forget that the man is still capable of great things.

For example, the White House has just announced that the expected budget deficit for fiscal 2008 has mushroomed to $482 billion. To put that number in perspective, imagine balancing your checkbook and coming up with a figure of $482. Not too bad, except that it's preceded by a minus sign and followed by a sh*tload of zeros. Most of us, if faced with that situation, would decide to clear our heads by going for a long walk and stepping in front of a bus.

And if that's not bad enough, some analysts are warning that final deficit may well exceed $500 billion. You may want to ask that bus driver to back up and run over you a second time.

Whatever the final number ends up being, it's already a record setting fiscal performance worthy of an Olympic gold medal. And with a billion people, China can be expected to have a whole lot of buses ready to run us all over. Just be careful not to get any of those lead paint chips in your clothes.

Yes, the Bush budgets are a legacy that our children and grandchildren will long remember.

Amen to That

Ted Stevens Indicted

It is my sad duty to report that Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has been indicted for filing false financial disclosure forms with the government. It's no doubt just a silly misunderstanding over $250,000 that mysteriously showed up in his bank account.

Stevens is the longest serving Republican in the Senate today. Over the years he has distinguished himself in many ways, including once suggesting that HBO's The Sopranos should be censored because of its dirty language. Heaven forbid that Americans should be forced to voluntarily pay $20 a month to watch such smut.

Then there's his famous "Bridge to Nowhere," a $500 million project that would have linked a largely uninhabited Alaskan island to the mainland. It was an engineering marvel that was unfortunately ahead of its time.

But the Alaska Senator is perhaps most famous for his technological prowess, as evidenced by his now famous description of the internet as a "series of tubes." That's why I now keep a can of Drano next to my computer. Whenever my PC starts running a little slow, I just pour some of it into an open USB port. It clears those tubes right out.

So let's all hope Stevens can overcome his current legal problems. Our government needs more minds like his.

I Can't See Clearly Now

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

'Nice Snatch, Bobby!'

Yep, it's that time of year.

Law? What Law? We ARE the Law!

Here's a big surprise: The Justice Department under Alberto Gonzales repeatedly broke the law.

Okay, so I lied. Maybe that's NOT such a surprise.

The most recent allegations have to do with the Department's hiring practices. An aide responsible for hiring senior staff members, Monica Goodling, routinely asked questions related to the applicants' views on abortion, same-sex marriage, and Christian beliefs.

Hell, if someone at Wal-Mart had asked those kind of questions, it would have been sued for a bazillion dollars for violating all sorts of federal anti-discrimination laws. But hey, laws don't apply when you work for the Bush administration.

In fact, one of Goodling's routine questions was this little gem: "What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?" Kinda sounds like something Benito Mussolini's aides would ask their job applicants.

Maybe this is a trifle naive, but shouldn't the Justice Department's priority be to look for applicants familiar with the laws of the United States? Oh, and that silly Constitution thingie?

In the Name of the Lord

Two people were killed this past Sunday in s shooting at a Tennessee church. The gunman said he targeted that particular congregation partly because of its liberal social views.

Just out of personal curiosity, what religion advocates killing as a method of spreading the Gospel? Well, aside from most of them, I mean.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Electricity's Overrated, Anyway

One of the side effects of the mortgage crisis and rising gasoline prices is that more people are having their utilities cut off. In some states, electric and gas companies report that cutoffs for non-payment are up by 15%. Makes sense, actually. If you can't make your house payment, what's the point of keeping the electricity on?

The good news, however, is that according to John McCain's chief economic adviser, the disintegrating economic conditions we see around us are just in our heads, and we're all just a bunch of whiners.

Thanks. Now I feel much better sitting here in the dark.

Who Says I'm Worthless?

How many cannibals could your body feed?

Best of Both Worlds

Two More Banks Bite the Dust

Two more banks have failed. The FDIC took over First National Bank of Nevada and First Heritage Bank on Saturday. A total of seven banks have now failed this year and more are expected to follow.

I was just kidding when I first suggested it, but it's no longer a joke: First National Bank of Serta is looking better every day.


Both the House and the Senate have now passed a massive housing relief bill. President Bush, who had previously said he would veto the bill, now says he will sign it.

Now I know what some of you are thinking, and you'd be wrong. It's only called "flip-flopping" when Democrats do it.

So why did Bush change his mind? Well, Congress decided to add billions of dollars of relief for mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. In the earlier version of the bill, the relief was aimed solely at individual homeowners.

In other words, Bush wasn't interested in helping the little guy until big business--the very guys that got us into this mess in the first place--was taken care of first.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Friday, July 25, 2008

More Inflation Fears

The cleanup is only beginning after Hurricane Dolly's visit to southern Texas. The storm dumped in excess of a dozen inches of rain along the Rio Grande basin, causing severe flooding for hundreds of miles along the border with Mexico.

With many of the supply lines cut by the hurricane, and uncertainty on when the flow north of fresh ones can resume, the price of illegal aliens already in the United States is expected to skyrocket.

Doing His Part

Careful What You Wish for

Some people are complaining that the news media is pro-Obama, especially after the Democratic candidate's overseas trip this week.

Well, what exactly was the media supposed to do? Ignore his visits to Afghanistan, Iraq, and Europe? One of the chief criticisms of Obama has been his lack of foreign policy credentials. If you believe it to have been true, it certainly seems like he has confronted those shortcomings head-on. Besides, for a presidential candidate to make such an overseas trip--especially before he's even been officially nominated--is unprecedented. So was the news media supposed to somehow ignore this trip?

Was the media also supposed to gloss over the fact that an estimated 200,000 people gathered to hear Obama's speech in Berlin yesterday? Hell, when's the last time 200,000 Europeans gathered for an American political leader and did anything except throw rocks and bottles? Even more amazing, people in the crowd were waving American flags instead of burning them!!!!

The chief whiners about all the attention being paid to Obama are the Republicans. Quite frankly, they need to just shut the f*ck up. It was their own idiot of a candidate--McCain himself--who criticized Obama for never having visited Iraq in the first place. And now that Obama that has taken McCain up on the suggestion, his supporters are bitchng about it?!?!

Sometimes you just have to be careful about what you wish for.

So in the interest of equal time, here's what McCain was supposed to do this week: Make a trip to an oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico to highlight the candidate's support of offshore drilling. The trip was canceled because of Hurricane Dolly. Then, in a bit of REALLY bad timing, there was a tanker accident at the mouth of the Mississippi River which resulted in a 12 mile oil slick.

Apparently some campaign officials decided that promoting offshore drilling while crews in the background are frantically trying to contain a nearby oil spill would have looked bad on the news.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Tour T-Shirt

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Guess I'm Screwed

Well, this is certainly depressing news.

Meteorology Explained

No, Your OTHER Left

Can you tell your right from your left? Apparently a lot of people can't, and the problem is now being recognized as a actual disability along the lines of Attention Deficit Disorder, or the inability to remember which country attacked us on 9/11.

The condition apparently extends into the political arena as well. That would certainly explain why so many right wing Republicans warn that it's the supposedly left wing Democrats who will run up the deficit and bloat the size of government.

Then again, that may just be a proctological problem: Blindness caused by having your head up your ass for too long.

Is Bush a Surrender Monkey or Just a Flip-Flopper?

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is set to meet with a top North Korean diplomat. This news comes just a week after U.S. officials met with Iranian officials.

Well, I'm certainly confused. Wasn't it President Bush who recently said that talking to your enemies is appeasement?


Trash Talkin'

Many people complain that America imports too many things, and doesn't really manufacture anything anymore. That goes a long way towards explaining the weak dollar and other economic ills. If you agree with this assessment, then there's some good news for you: Hawaii is stepping up its exports!! Granted, the product is garbage, and it's being shipped to the mainland of the U.S., but an export is an export.

The problem is that our 50th state is running out of landfill space. The island of Oahu in particular produces an average of 10 pounds of garbage per day compared with 4.5 pounds per resident in the rest of the country. And with no place to put all that trash, the island is considering a measure to ship some of it across the Pacific, up the Columbia River, and to a landfill in Washington state.

This seems like a terrible waste. Can't Hawaiians just dump their trash on the side of the road like the rest of us? Or how about into a nearby lava flow? Those things are a dime a dozen in Hawaii.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

What's the World Coming to?

While reports remain sketchy at the moment, The Dark Knight's Christian Bale has reportedly been arrested in London for assaulting his 61 year old mother and 40 year old sister.

That's the kind of thing you'd expect from The Joker, but certainly not Batman!

Ya Gotta Love Those Old Movies!

Hold on to Your Nuts

Thieves have long been stealing manhole covers to sell as scrap metal, but now the problem is spreading. The latest targets of people out to make a quick buck are the big brass nuts on top of fire hydrants. Those can fetch as much as ten bucks from a scrap metal dealer.

The thefts are becoming a major safety concern for local jurisdictions. In one disturbing case, a house in California burned to the ground because even though the fire department arrived quickly, firefighters were unable to access the nearby hydrants.

But there is a long-term concern as well. If thieves continue to steal the nuts from hydrants, then they'll become sterile and unable to reproduce. In a few years, the only fire hydrants will be the ones in zoos. That may be great for the animals that already live there, but what about the rest of us?

Sell Your Furnace on eBay While You Still Can

There is little doubt that global warming is leading to massive species extinctions, changing rainfall patterns, more extreme weather events, and perhaps even the eventual extinction of mankind. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't have some laughs along the way.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Huh? The Dark Knight Is ... Dark?!?

Last Friday I gave The Dark Knight a lukewarm review. My chief complaints: At 2 1/2 hours it's longer than the average human bladder's capacity for holding pee, not nearly enough screen time for the Joker, and things dragged whenever he wasn't on screen.

It would seem, though, that I'm in the minority. The film set a number of box office records, including biggest three day opening, biggest single day draw, and biggest midnight midnight screening. And the reaction among most moviegoers has been nothing but positive.

However, there is one small group complaining: Parents of small kids. They're saying that for a so-called "comic book" movie, The Dark Knight is much too violent.

Well.... DUH!!!

The movie is PG-13, folks! It was given that rating for a reason. One mother complained that Hancock was PG-13 also, but it wasn't nearly as violent as Batman. All I can say is that maybe she saw a different version of Hancock than I did. There were some sequences in the second half of that movie that were pretty damn strong.

Parents are always telling kids to do their homework. Well, maybe it's time for parents to start doing their own homework as well.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Darkest Knight

I went to see The Dark Knight earlier today for a variety of reasons: I like Batman, I'm a Christian Bale fan,I was curious to see Heath Ledger's last performance, the movie's been getting fantastic reviews, and most importantly, it beats working. And at the risk of being run out of town by angry torch-bearing pitchfork-wielding mobs, let me say that I thought it was, well, just okay. Sorry, but I just couldn't cream myself over it the way so many reviewers have been doing.

Maybe it was just me, but at almost 2 1/2 hours, the movie is just too long. The average American butt, given the weight of the average American torso, can only sit for just so long in the average movie theater seat before it begins to ache. And if you made the foolish mistake of preceding the 9:00 A.M. showing of a 150 minute movie with a cup of coffee, your bladder's gonna have serious issues, too. Yes, I know I'm whining, especially since my chief complaint about Hancock was that it was too short.

What can I say? I'm tough to satisfy. Maybe I should have been born a woman.

And it's just damn depressing. There were times I wanted to slash my wrists but the popcorn bucket just wasn't sharp enough. Good characters get killed off and evil is never truly defeated. And at the risk of giving away a spoiler, let's just say Maggie Gyllanhaal's character won't be in the next Batman movie.

Anyway, The Dark Knight does have plenty of action. At one point Batman goes all the way to Hong Kong, or North Korea, or Singapore, or one of those other oriental type places, and kidnaps a crime lord so he can face justice in Gotham. The bad guy's extraction from one of the top floors of a skyscraper was pretty damn impressive.

Then there's a chase scene involving police cars, garbage trucks, a SWAT team, a tractor trailer, the Joker, and the Batmobile. Oh, and there's a bazooka thrown in as well. Batman shouldn't be surprised if Geico raises his insurance rates after that one. In fact, remember how the people of Los Angeles were always getting pissed off by Hancock's indiscriminate collateral damage? Let's just say that the good citizens of Gotham City are going to be in a homicidal rage.

The problem is that between the action sequences, Dark Knight gets bogged down in mundane details. There's some kind of sub-plot involving the mob, banks, and the Joker which seemed overly confusing. Then again, I may just have been distracted by my bladder, which was full through most of the movie.

My other complaint: Heath Ledger. His performance was absolutely stunning. Nothing like Jack Nicholson's version of the character. Ledger's Joker was much more subdued and sinister. He's a psychotic sociopath who positively oozes evil out of every pore.... Kind of like Dick Cheney. And he kept doing this really perverted thing with his tongue(I'm referring to the Joker now, not Cheney) that reminded me of Hannibal Lechter. Yet despite all his inherent evil, he also has a romantic streak, like when he tells Batman, "You complete me." And he's something of a magician, as when he makes a pencil disappear in a rather, er, "unique" fashion.

Plus, Ledger looks pretty damn cute in a nurse's uniform (see the movie & you'll understand).

So then why am I bitching? Well, quite frankly, he just didn't get enough screen time. Screw Batman; they should have just done a movie about the Joker and made Batman a secondary character. In fact, it seems that anytime Ledger was NOT on the screen, the plot began to bog down.

Among the various trailers preceding Dark Knight was one for Christian Bale's NEXT film: Terminator IV: Rise of the Endless Mind Numbing Sequels.... Okay, so I may be just a bit fuzzy on the exact title, but here's the trailer:

Except Now Mexico Has a Problem with
Illegals from North of the Border

Crime? What Crime? No Crime Here. Now Get Lost.

Remember the Valerie Plame case? She used to be a CIA agent. Her husband is Joe Wilson, the man was sent to Africa to investigate claims that Niger had been selling yellow cake uranium to Iraq. When Wilson couldn't find any such evidence, he began openly questioning the Bush administration's reasons for invading Iraq. Suddenly his wife's cover was "mysteriously" blown.

Since then there have been allegations that someone in the Bush administration deliberately outed her in retribution for her husband's opposition to the war.

The case is still very much alive, and a House of Representatives committee has been trying to get to the bottom of just what happened. If it turns out the revelation was deliberate done to get back at Wilson, then that would be a crime. If, on the other hand, it turns out to have been accidental, then it was just be another case of incompetence by the Bush administration.

The FBI investigated the matter, but it remains unclear what they found. This week the House committee looking into the matter tried to get its hands on the FBI's files, and guess what happened? President Bush invoked something called executive privilege, thereby blocking access to the files.

Now if the term exective privilege sounds familiar, it's because President Nixon repeatedly used it during Watergate as he frantically tried to block one investigation after another.

This of course raises an important question: If no one in the White House did anything wrong, then why not release the files and clear the air once and for all?

Bush's actions merely confirm that his administration is the biggest hive of scum and villiany since the days of Mos Eisley spaceport. Granted, that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but the comparison is still apt.

Which brings me to my prediction: After the elections in November, Bush will begin issuing a whole shitload of pardons to former and current members of his administration, including Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and Dick Cheney. And pardoning them will mean that no one will ever be able to get to the truth of this administration's various crimes.

A Loser Every Time

Thursday, July 17, 2008

But Who Will Mow Their Lawns?

But No One in the Bible Was Vaccinated

Doctors are warning that a major new measles epidemic may be on the horizon. Since January, 132 new cases have been reported. So far, no kids have died, though the disease can sometimes kill. That can happen if their illness develops into pneumonia or encephalitis. During a 1989-1991 outbreak, 55,000 children came down with measles, and 120 of them died.

In most cases, it appears that measles was contracted by unvaccinated kids traveling overseas. Then on their return, they pass it on to friends who also have not yet been vaccinated.

How is this possible? Aren't kids required to be vaccinated against measles? Well, technically yes. Kids are theoretically required to have their shots before starting school. However, every state in the country also grants exemptions on religious grounds.

Right. Who needs vaccines when the power of prayer can ward off germs?

Let's keep in mind that during the dark ages the church was all-powerful in Europe. Coincidentally, it was during the dark ages that the Black Death swept across Europe, killing as much as 60% of the population. Yet all the prayers in the world, in a society dominated by religious institutions, failed to prevent the epidemic.

Have we learned nothing during the last 700 years?

Sensible Financial Panic

Is That a Bomb in Your Pocket,
Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Many cities in Europe are starting to ban the construction of new mosques. Switzerland, in an effort to avoid the label of discrimination, is just seeking to block the construction of buildings with minarets. The same trend has surfaced here in the U.S., with local groups of citizens seeking to block new mosques or Islamic schools. Understandably, many Muslims are claiming they are the victims of religious persecution.

Well, maybe if they stopped trying to blow up the rest of us, we might be more welcoming.

Too Many Holes

Too bad we chased off all the illegal aliens. We could have hired them to help plug the holes.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

We're All Gonna Need Bigger Mattresses

President Bush has declared America's banking system to be "basically sound."

Given Bush's past track record, his reassurances can only mean that we're all doomed to live in cardboard boxes while eating out of garbage cans. Clearly, the time has come to immediately panic and run screaming to our banks, withdraw all our money, and stuff our life savings to our mattresses. Well, at least the rest of you suckers can do that. I long ago entrusted my financial well-being to Obu Okun, the son of a Nigerian king, who will any day be forwarding me my share of his 300 billion fortune.

Seriously.... Bush telling us not to worry is like the captain of the Titanic not to worry about the water covering the bow of the ship.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the two largest home mortgage providers in the nation, had to turn to the government for a bailout. And in California, customers of IndyMac Bank found themselves temporarily unable to access their money when the bank failed. The FDIC has since seized the bank.

Meanwhile, some financial analysts are asking not if more banks will fail, but rather which one will be the next to go under. They warn that dozens more financial institutions may fail in the next year. Here in the DC area, rumors are swirling that Wachovia, the largest holder of deposits in the nation's capital, is in trouble. Wachovia officials of course deny the rumors, saying that the water pouring over the bow is just a temporary condition, and everything will be just hunky dory once the deck chairs float away and lighten the load on the rest of the ship.

Still, I'm holding on to my life preserver.

Time for Some Campaignin'

'The Decider' Inaction

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

So True

Actually, I've been thinking of having mine put on my driver's license.

HEY! What Happened to My Nuts?

Pretty much everyone has a hobby. For some people it's stamp collecting and for others it's coin collecting. Still for others it's collecting Star Trek action figures. And if you have the money, like Jay Leno does, you may choose to collect antique cars.

And Jesse Jackson? Well, apparently he likes to collect human testicles.

Monday, July 14, 2008

So Funny It's Painful

When I was a wee little lad, one lesson my mother taught me was that if I made a mess, I had to clean it up before I could go outside and play. It was my "responsibility," she said, and a sense of responsibility was something all adults needed.

Obviously my mother never met George W. Bush.

For the last several weeks the Bush administration has been working to reach some sort of long term security deal with Iraq. This new agreement was needed for two reasons.

First, the current United Nations resolution allowing the presence of American troops in Iraq expires on December 31st. Even the U.S. Congress' authorization for Bush's Iraq adventure is tied to that U.N. resolution. So unless a new, separate agreement is reached with the Iraqi government, the continued presence of American troops in Iraq would become illegal under both international AND American law.

Secondly, with Bush leaving office in January, he has been increasingly desperate to come up with some sort of lasting legacy. A long term security agreement with Iraq, allowing for several large, permanent American military bases in that nation, looked to be his last hope.

Unfortunately, the Iraqis have not been cooperating. They apparently feel that the presence of foreign troops only continues to further aggravate the situation in Iraq--something many war opponents on OUR side of the Atlantic have been saying for the last several years.

Consequently Al-Maliki's government has demanded a concrete timetable for the departure of American troops as part of any long term security agreement. The Bush people, in their eternal wisdom, have not been willing to grant them that.

Any hope for that long term deal is now officially dead. The Bush administration has now decided to settle for some sort of temporary "bridge" document that will allow U.S. forces to remain in Iraq beyond the end of the year. But any long term agreement will now have to be negotiated by whoever takes office on January 20.

Translation: Let the next President clean up Bush's mess.

So after five years of war, after wasting the lives of 4118 (and counting) American soldiers, after causing the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians, after destabilizing the entire Middle East, after fueling the rage of anti-American Islamic militants worldwide, after pissing away a trillion dollars, and after leaving our nation's credibility among the international community in tatters, Bush won't have a single goddamn thing to show for it.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Et Tu, Barack?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Chop Shop

Rocky Aoki, the founder of Benihana'z Japanese steakhouses, has died in New York. He was 69. He opened the first Benihana in New York in 1964. In the 44 years since then, the chain has grown to include 100 locations worldwide.

There will be a memorial service early next week, after which his body will be chopped into tiny little pieces.

What Should Have Been the 11th Amendment

Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

The two Koreas--long separated by war and suspicion--continue to take tentative steps towards reconciliation. In the latest gesture of friendship and trust, a North Korean soldier shot a South Korean tourist. The woman had strayed into a restricted area near a resort. When ordered to halt, she apparently became scared and began to run. The soldiers shot her in the back.

The resort where the shooting took place was built as a joint venture between the two countries. It was intended as a way to increase contact between North Koreans and South Koreans.

In that regard it seems to be a success.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

No Winners Here

Excuse Me, But Your Butt Is Ringing

Prison Officials in Maryland and Virginia have begun training dogs to sniff out cell phones among their prisoners. Inmates, who are forbidden to have the phones, often hide them in mattresses, books, and socks. And anyone who's ever read Papillon can probably also think of at least one other place a cell phone can be hidden.

Screw cell phones. If they ever train a dog to find lost remotes, I'll definitely take one of those.

They Can Also Run Really Fast

The American Family Association runs a news headline site called As part of their ongoing effort to shield their membership from the horrors of a heathen world, they set up a filter to remove offensive words that might might cause their heads to explode, or else somehow prevent them from ascending bodily into heaven when the Rapture comes. Among those dirty words is one that George Carlin apparently forgot about: "Gay."

So last week, when sprinter Tyson Gay won his Olympic qualifying match for the 100 meter, the AFA's news site put out the following headline: "Homosexual eases into 100 final at Olympic trials." Any mentions of his name in the accompanying story were also replaced by the word "Homosexual."

Well, at least anyone reading the censored story wouldn't end up being condemned to the fiery bowels of hell.


Speaking of Fiery Bowels....

Federal health officials are now blaming raw jalapeƱos for at least part of the recent salmonella outbreak. However, in an apparent effort to cover their asses, they are also still blaming tomatoes.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Something New to Worry About

Biologists are concerned about a mysterious ailment that is killing off bats in the Northeast. The chief symptom seems to be a white fungus that appears on stricken bats' noses, but beyond that, the cause remains a mystery.

So why should we be concerned if there are no more bats? Well, for one thing, a single bat can eat a pound of insects in a week. If there are no bats, then that means more bugs and pests. That would be of major concern in agricultural areas. An absence of bats would also carry dire consequences for baseball.

Likewise, why should we care if there are no more polar bears in the world, or bees, or penguins?

Well, perhaps because if other species begin disappearing, it may only be a matter of time before the spreading extinctions work their way up to the top of the food chain.

And wouldn't that be a pisser?

I Hate it When That Happens

Obviously They're Republican Bloggers

Found at drl2blog.

Stop Staring at My Bumper Sticker & Just Drive, You Jerk

A new study by The Department of People Who Do Silly Studies shows that drivers who have bumper stickers, window stickers, or personalized license plates are more likely to be aggressive in their driving habits. And it doesn't seem to matter whether the sticker's message is positive ("My kid is an honor roll student") or negative ("My kid can beat up your snot-nosed honor roll student") in nature.

The theory is that people who adorn their vehicles with personal messages are essentially marking their territory. Therefore, they're more likely to take any perceived infringement on their territory personally. And the more such markers a car has, the more likely the driver is to act in an aggressive manner.

People just need to calm down and mark their territories the way I do. Just piss on the tires.

And It's So Big!

Monday, July 07, 2008

Caffeine Fix

Time for a Timetable?

Anytime anyone opposed to the Iraq war has suggested setting a timetable for withdrawal, the Bush administration has condemned them as being irresponsible, or unpatriotic, or caving in to the enemy, or being a pussy. Setting such a timetable would only embolden the terrorists, according to our fearless leader.

Well, now there's yet someone else saying the U.S. should set a timetable for withdrawal. So who is this latest wuss who dares challenge the wizard--er, I mean, who dares challenge President Bush? Well, no, it's not Obama. And it's certainly not John McCain. For that matter, it's not any American political figure.

Rather, it's none other than Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki suggesting that a timetable is necessary. His comment came during a meeting with ambassadors from other Arab nations, and is tied to the current negotiations about what role the U.S. military will have in Iraq once the current United Nations mandate expires on December 31.

The Party of Change

Sunday, July 06, 2008

The Christian Taliban Strikes Again

Where do you go when you need a condom? A drug store? Well, be careful which one you go to.

An increasing number of so-called pro-life pharmacies are opening across the country. And they don't stock such sinful products as condoms, birth control pills, and morning after pills. Some of them don't even stock tobacco products or rolling papers.

They are opening because over the last few years there have been a number of cases in which pharmacists have been fired for refusing to fill doctors' prescriptions for such products. Christian conservatives feel that such pharmacists are entitled to exercise their so-called "rights of conscience."

On the other hand, what gives these people the right to impose THEIR religious beliefs on everyone else? If you feel that damn strongly about your beliefs, then you shouldn't enter a profession in which you'll end up interfering with everyone else's freedoms.

Unless I'm mistaken, that's the kind of narrow minded repressive thinking that gave rise to the Taliban in Afghanistan: Regardless of YOUR personal beliefs or the standards of society as a whole, I'm going to shove MY religion down your throat whether you like or not. And if you have a problem with that, I'll stone your sinful ass to death.

There's simply no room for that sort of oppression in a free society.

Now THAT'S a Holiday!

Don't Break the China

Speaking during a visit to Tokyo, President Bush defended his decision to attend the opening ceremonies of the upcoming Beijing Olympics. He had been under pressure to skip the event--as many other world leaders are already doing--because of China's ongoing human rights abuses. According to Bush, "not going to the opening ceremony for the games would be an affront to the Chinese people."

Yeah, heaven forbid we should piss off the Chinese. They might begin sending us poisoned pet food and lead contaminated products.

A Slice Would Be Nice

According to a new scientific study, watermelon contains an ingredient that provides Viagra-like benefits for men.

On the downside, women aren't too thrilled about constantly having the seeds spit in their faces during sex.

The Bush-Cheney Legacy

So what will history show as the Bush-Cheney legacy? John McLaughlin of The McLaughlin Group came up with the following list:
1) GOP House majority gone
2) Tanked the dollar's value
3) Red ink in federal budget
4) U.S./Iraq quagmire
5) U.S. recession & inflation
6) Then skedaddled out of town
Now THAT'S something to be proud of!

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Friday, July 04, 2008

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The Day the Earth Stood Still.... Dude

Yesterday I mentioned having seen the trailer for the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Here it is:

And I'm sorry, but if Keanu Reeves were to walk up and tell me that the world was about to end, I'd burst out laughing. I just can't take him seriously.

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Living on the Edge

It was 31 years ago that NASA launched two space probes towards the outer planets of our humble little solar system. After sending back the first detailed images of Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and yes, Uranus.

Yes, pictures of Uranus are circulating on the internets at this very moment. Now aren't you embarrassed?

Anyway, after passing their respective targets the two craft went in different directions. Voyager 1 turned "north" while Voyager 2 went "south."

The probes are now passing through the heliosheath, which is the outer boundary of our solar system. It's the area where the Sun's solar winds cease and true interstellar space begins. What has surprised scientists is that edges of our solar system are essentially "dented," as opposed to being perfectly round. Voyager 2 encountered the southern boundary 7.8 billion from the Sun, while Voyager 1 did so at a distance of 8.8 billion miles. It should also be noted that these distances are each more than three times the distance of Pluto from the sun.

NASA is currently preparing a mission to send insurance adjusters--hopefully those GEICO cavemen--to assess the dent. It remains unclear who will pay for the damage.

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