Sunday, October 30, 2011

That Mary Magdalene Sure Was Hot!

Not only am I going straight to hell via the express lane, I'm NOT passing 'Go' and NOT collecting $200.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

How Does Uranus Factor into All This?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

Saturday, October 15, 2011

At Least We Know Whose Side Jesus Is On

This ran on the front page of today's Washington Post. It's a picture of Jesus tackling a New York city cop during the Occupy Wall Street protests.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Happy Columbus Day!

We come in peace. Have some Smallpox.Today is Columbus Day, which commemorates Christopher Columbus' "discovery" of America in 1492. During the past few years the intrepid explorer's reputation has fallen victim to the rise of political correctness. No less an authority than Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has accused the explorer of "genocide." On the other hand, this ignores the minor detail that if there had been no Columbus, then Chavez would never have had a country to be President of, and he wouldn't be in a position to make such outlandish statements.

Such accusations about Columbus are unfortunate, and it's high time someone set the record straight.

First of all, Columbus--to the best of my knowledge--never killed any Indians, and he can hardly be held responsible for the actions of others who followed him. And does anyone honestly believe that if Columbus had NOT made his discovery, the rest of the world would not have somehow stumbled across the Americas at some later date? Otherwise, wouldn't people of this alternate 21st century reality have wondered why there was a big hole in their GPS devices' maps of the western hemisphere?

Additionally, Columbus was Italian but sailed on behalf of Portugal. The Conquistadors, who shoulder much of the responsibility of what eventually happened to the native population, were from Spain. After that came the French and the English. The few Italians that did finally follow Columbus across the ocean blue were limited by law to working as cops in New York city.

Besides, it's not Columbus' fault that Indians were already living here and kept getting in the way. They should have just gone back to where they came from! And while Columbus may not have been the first to find the Americas, his discovery was the first to "take." It set the stage for future European colonization, something earlier discoveries by the Vikings failed to do.... Though they did eventually make three Super Bowl appearances under the able leadership of Fran Tarkenton.

Most importantly, Columbus' arrival in the New World demonstrated the need for strong, effective immigration policies.... As well as the importance of maintaining an up to date smallpox vaccination schedule.

At any rate, the bottom line is that if it weren't for the European colonization of the Americas, there would still be buffalo roaming across our interstates. And if you think an overturned tanker truck causes traffic tie ups, think what a herd of several hundred thousand bison would do.

President Sitting Bull would have admitted SMOKING that corn husk but denied ever inhaling it. And he would certainly have denied having sexual relations with that squaw, Pochohantas.

Furthermore, man would never have landed on the moon, John Wayne wouldn't have had a movie career, there would never have been a Star Trek or Star Wars, the light bulb would never have been invented, we'd all be writing emails in the dark, and Iraq would be a stable nation.

Oh, and the entire world (including the French) would be speaking German or Japanese.

So happy Columbus Day!!

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Hitler Discovers There Is No iPhone 5

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Steve Jobs
(February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011)