Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Bet You Can't Eat Just One

According to a new study, the rate of breastfeeding in the United States has hit its highest mark in at least 20 years.

This really isn't all that surprising. I know I still like to imbibe a little whenever possible.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Monday, April 28, 2008

Too Bad The White House Didn't Listen To Lassie

Someone Owes Me An Apology

The price of oil is quickly approaching the $120 a barrel level. To further put this in perspective, when George W. Bush took office in 2001, it was going for about 26 bucks a barrel.

Boy, don't I feel dumb. I initially supported the Iraq war because I believed the anti-war protesters' arguments that the upcoming invasion was all about maintaining the flow of cheap oil.

So what happened? How come those unpatriotic bastards aren't apologizing for misleading us?

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Friday, April 25, 2008

"A Major Debacle"

A former Pentagon official who served under Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz is calling the Iraq war a "major debacle." This is quite surprising, especially since I thought conditions in Iraq were just absolutely wonderful.

Joseph Collins, a retired army Colonel, has prepared a blunt 60 page assessment of the conflict. According to him,
Globally, U.S. standing among friends and allies has fallen. Our status as a moral leader has been damaged by the war, the subsequent occupation of a Muslim nation, and various issues concerning the treatment of detainees. At the same time, operations in Iraq have had a negative impact on all other efforts in the war on terror, which must bow to the priority of Iraq when it comes to manpower, materiel, and the attention of decision makers.
Still, elsewhere in his report, Collins calls Iraq a "must win" situation. And while that may well be correct, the larger truth is that "victory" in Iraq--whatever the hell that means--is no longer possible. The political situation is too far gone and our military is already stretched to the breaking point. Our ongoing presence only prolongs the agony. Withdrawal is the only option.

Sure, we can keep throwing our soldiers' lives away in that hellhole, but for what? Whether we hang on another five years or come home now, the final outcome will be no different: Iraq will descend further into chaos, thousands more will die in ethnic fighting, and parts of the country will become a haven for terrorists.

At least those are the arguments some people use to justify our continued presence there. The problem is, however, that each and every one of those dire outcomes will happen because we invaded in the first place.

It's a sick, twisted Catch-22 that we brought upon ourselves.

Or Maybe The Bulb On The Train Is Burned Out

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Up, Up, And Away

A Brazilian priest who decided it would be a good idea to float away with hundreds of helium balloons remains missing off the coast of South America. The Reverend Adelir Antonio de Carli decided to pull the stunt in an effort to set some sort of world's record, apparently for sheer idiocy.

It should be noted, however, that George Bush's decision to invade Iraq maintains a firm lock on the category.

The priest was making his attempt to raise funds for a "spiritual" rest stop for truckers.

Perhaps I'm being overly cynical after America's own experience with countless religious leaders over the the last few years, but personally I'd be a little suspicious of priests who like to hang out around truck stops.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Earth Day + One

Okay, so Earth Day was yesterday. Still, this is an appropriate video to help put the wonder of our humble little planet in perspective.


My favorite movie of 2008 especially since it's the ONLY movie of 2008 I've seen so far) is "Cloverfield" (my review from January). The DVD is now out, and of course I had to have it the first day. That's why I pre-ordered from Best Buy.

Big mistake. I've done pre-orders from Amazon before and they arrived in the mail the same day they're available. But because I wanted to save a buck, I decided to pre-order from Best Buy this time. And did I get it yesterday? Nope. In fact, I checked the tracking number again TODAY, and the package is still sitting in a postal distribution center in freakin' New Jersey. That's what I get for straying from Amazon.

Anyway, being the impatient sort that I am, I ended up buying from something called a store. It's kind of like buying online, except you can actually walk up to the merchandise and touch. Even more amazing, these store things will let you buy the item right then and there and take it home with you!!!! No more waiting for the UPS guy or the mailman!

What will they think of next?

Anyway, there's a great piece of music that plays during the closing credit called "Roar: The Cloverfield Overture." It's the only original music in the film and has been difficult to find a version to download. In fact, the only version of it online has from a guy who snuck a recorder into the theater. However, I now have a clean copy of it that I lifted from the DVD. I tried to post it, but it's nine minutes long and at over one meg in size, my web hosting service won't accept it. But if you'd like it, feel free to email me and I'll gladly send you the MP3 file. And if you ask nicely, I'll even attach a couple of pictures of Britney Spears actually wearing underwear.

* * * * * * * WARNING--SPOILER INFO * * * * * * * WARNING--SPOILER INFO * * * * * * * WARNING--SPOILER INFO * * * * * * *

So where did the monster come from? Well, if you watch the last scene of the movie very VERY carefully, there's a very likely answer. Just after the scene under the birdge in Central Park, the recording goes blank for a moment, and then reverts to the original footage that was on the camera. It's Coney Island again, and the camera is looking out towards the ocean. You can see a ship on the water. A small object falls out of the sky above the ship and splashes into the water along the horizon. It's barely noticeable, and the whole sequence lasts maybe a second. But it's there, and does strongly suggest that the creature is extraterrestrial in origin.

A Moo-ving Experience

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Monday, April 21, 2008

Cable's Dirty Little Secret

Have you bought one of those new fangled LCD HDTV's with the HDMI and RGB inputs yet? And though you may not have figured all the acronyms involved, are you at least impressed with the picture? Well, if you're on cable, you may not be as impressed as you could be.

As it turns out, cable TV and satellite companies have been compressing their high definition signals. And why would they be doing such a dastardly deed, you ask? It's the same three limitations that so often plagues the internet: Bandwidth, bandwidth, and bandwidth. There's just not enough of it to go around. And as long as the world's limited supply of bandwidth continues to controlled by a handful of unstable middle eastern countries, that's not going to change any time soon. And the environmentalists aren't helping either. Ever since that big bandwidth spill in Alaska a few years, they're more concerned with the damn polar bears than our TV reception.

For their part, the cable operators claim that the techniques they use to compress the signals do not in any way degrade the final image. Even so, it turns out some customers are taking notice.

Summing Up The Bush Legacy

Comedian Chris Rock is performing at Constitution Hall in DC for several nights. He has offered up what is perhaps the most succinct yet insightful analysis of not only the current campaign season, but the Bush presidency as well: "He [messed] up so bad he made it hard for a white man to run for president."

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Finding My Religion

Found at Bad Astronomy.

Brother, Can You Spare A Five? No, I Mean A REAL Five

Despite Vice President's Cheney's recent assertion that the U.S. economy is merely going through a "rough patch," most Americans will tell you that it's already in the shithole and getting worse. When hundreds of thousands of people have already lost--or are on the verge of losing--their homes, saying we're going through a rough patch is like the Captain of the Titanic declaring that the ship has sprung a wee bit of a leak.

There seems to be little consensus over what caused the mess. Sure, the sub-prime loan mess is part of it, but that only mushroomed after the rest of the economy had begun to slow. Some Americans blame the Iraq war, or the rising cost of oil, or excessive deficits by the Federal government, or out of control health care costs, or the plummeting valaue of the dollar as compared to other currencies, or the NAFTA treaty, or illegal immigrants.

The truth of the matter is that it's none of that. The real problem, folks, is the new design of the five dollar bill. Have you seen this thing? It's got a big ass PURPLE "5" on the back. I ask you: Who the hell uses purple on their money? Purple is the color for friendly dinosaurs or gay teletubbies. It is most certainly NOT the color for a (formerly) respected currency of international trade.

All of our economic woes can be traced to the new five dollar bill. If you think about it, things really started going downhill when the bill was redesigned. Coincidence? Not at all. The truth of the matter that no nation on Earth wants to deal with a country that uses Monopoly® money for its transactions.

Hell, even Park Place with a hotel is worth a fraction of what it would have sold for a year ago.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Not Just In California

An earthquake in the Midwest shook many people awake early this morning. Centered in southern Illinois, the 5.2 temblor was felt from Alabama to Michigan, and shook skyscrapers in Chicago and Indianapolis. Much of the nation remains in a state of shock, as millions of stunned Americans struggle to come to terms with the realization that Indianapolis has skyscrapers.

No one appears to have been injured, and damage was relatively minor. In other words, this earthquake was a loser, and will no doubt be picked on by other, much bigger earthquakes. After all, if no buildings are reduced to smoldering piles of rubble, what was the point?

While some people seem surprised that an earthquake would strike in the center of the country, they shouldn't be. The New Madrid earthquakes of 1810 and 1811 rank among the nation's strongest. Centered near St. Louis, they were felt as far away as Boston. Few people aside from John McCain are old enough to remember them, however, and the area was sparsely populated at the time. It has been projected that a similar earthquake today, in an area where building codes aren't designed to deal with the threat, would leave tens of thousands of Americans dead, and George Bush sitting with his thumb up his butt.

Have a nice day.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Tax Time

I suppose I should start on my taxes before it's too late. Wait.... Why is this post dated April 16?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

60 More Victims Of Normalcy

Nearly 60 people were killed in a series of bombings across Iraq earlier today. The world is still waiting at this point, but President Bush is expected to momentarily announce that this is merely the latest wave of "normalcy" to sweep across Iraq.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Why Not Burn Witches During The Seventh Inning Stretch?

Alert members of the New York Yankees baseball organization recently learned of a terrorist plot targeting their new stadium. Acting swiftly, they managed to foil it.

So what was this horrible plan directed against American baseball's best known team? No, it wasn't a truck bomb in the parking lot or some crazy Al Qaeda dude in a suicide vest. This was actually something far more sinister.

It seems a construction worker, in a brazen attempt to jinx the Yankees, buried a Boston Red Sox team jersey in the new stadium. Team officials learned of the rogue bricklayer's plan and took swift action to break the curse before it could even begin. They spent five hours jackhammering through solid concrete to get to the evil shirt and remove it from the corridor in which it had been embedded.

In an effort to insure that the new facility was free of any lingering evil spirits, team augurs afterwards read the entrails of goats while a witch doctor sacrificed virgins on the pitchers' mound.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Making The World A Better Place

Came across this public service announcement at Paradise Driver. It's an important topic, so grab a pen and take notes.

I can hardly wait to try out some of those lines.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Eat My Shorts, Chavez

For several years now, Venezuela democratically elected dictaor, Hugo Chavez, has been engaged in a war of rhetoric with the United States. However, in what can only be described as a blatant act of provocation, may have finally crossed the line. United States naval forces are no doubt already steaming towards the South American coast.

The Venezuelan government has ordered one of the country's television networks to yank The Simpsons from its schedule. The reason? It considers The Simpsons to be unsuitable for family viewing.

So what wholesome, family values oriented show will replace Homer and the gang?

Bay Watch Hawaii.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Dick Power

Balancing Act

Defining Iraq's New "Normalcy"

Ya gotta love George Bush. Less than two weeks ago he proudly declared that "normalcy is returning back to Iraq." Barely had he finished uttering those words before the Shiite hit the fan in the southern city of Basra--A city which had remained relatively calm over the last several years.

And the cause? Well, despite our brilliant leader's repeated assertions that the war in Iraq is all about fighting Al Qaeda, the fierce fighting in Basra had nothing to do with the radical Sunni group. Rather, this was a showdown of sorts between the Iraqi government (dominated by one Shiite faction)and a different Shiite faction led by Muqtada al-Sadr. Basically, when the government tried to take control of Basra, the militias which had been maintaining the peace said not so fast.

And who won? Well, the government eventually declared victory despite the relatively minor detail that al-Sadr's forces remain in control of 80% of the city. This may seem like an odd definition of the word "victory," but it also fits with Bush's new interpretation of "normalcy."

Then yesterday new fighting erupted in Baghdad itself. Several rockets were fired from a Shiite neighborhood towards the Green Zone, the vast walled compound which is supposed to be an oasis of calm in the madness of Bush's Iraq. Again, it wasn't Al-Qaeda that fired them, but rather a completely native Iraqi group. And while rockets and mortars have occasionally hit the Green Zone before, this time they caused serious damage. Two American soldiers died in the attacks and 17 were wounded. Fearing an even further escalation of the fighting, residents have begun fleeing Baghdad.

And who's caught in the crossfire of this violent power struggle? America's military, of course. While an average of one soldier had died per day over the last four months, eleven have died during the last two days.

No doubt President Bush feels that America's economy is also in a state of "normalcy."

Monday, April 07, 2008

Saturday, April 05, 2008

And On Weekends He Has To Work Part Time At Starbucks

Bill and Hillary Clinton have released tax returns showing that they've made a combine $109 million over the last eight years. It's amazing that they've been able to get on this paltry sum, especially since she's been the only one holding down a steady job during that time.

That total works out to an average of only $13.6 million per year.

No wonder Democrats say they sympathize with working class Americans.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Dumb As A Cow

Thursday, April 03, 2008


Scientists have discovered the oldest evidence to date of humans in North America. The remains were found in a cave near the Pacific coast of Oregon. Some feel that this gives more credence to the theory that humans first came to the Americas from Siberia via a land bridge.

The remains, consisted of fossilized feces, chiseled arrowheads, chewed bones, and petrified Starbucks cups.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Wild Kingdom

Hundreds of DC residents were scared silly yesterday when they received an email warning that a loof lirpa had escaped from the National Zoo. According to the alert, the exotic animal weighs about 350 pounds and is notoriously nearsighted. In fact, it's vision is so bad that residents were warned to keep their dogs inside lest the loof lirpa try to mate with some poor unsuspecting golden retriever.

Curiously, loof lirpas seem to surface only once a year.

Why Good Will Always Triumph Over Evil

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was getting tired of the constant bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will decide once and for all who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at their respective keyboards and began typing away. They moused; they did spreadsheets; they wrote reports; they sent faxes; they sent emails; they sent out emails with attachments; they downloaded; they blogged; they did some genealogy reports; they made cards; they did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky. Thunder clapped, rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off!
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Hold on!" he said. "He cheated! How could this be?"

God shrugged and said, "Everyone knows that Jesus saves."
---------------From an email

Tuesday, April 01, 2008