Here Kitty, Kitty

I'm convinced that the Romans didn't feed early Christians to the lions just to persecute them. The REAL reason was that the Romans were sick and tired of Christians' constant self-righteous holier-than-thou preaching.

Better Cancel Next Week's Picnic

Do the Right Thing

I had a really bizarre dream last night. It was about 2000 years ago and had just come out of a Starbucks in Judea when I noticed a screaming mob down the street. So I went to see what was what.

It was Jesus and His disciples, and they were stoning some woman who was cowering in the middle of the street. So I turned to Jesus and said, "My lord, what hath this poor wretch done to deserve this? Is she a prostitute?"

"No," said our savior. "Much worse."

"Is she a thief?" I asked.

"No," said the son of God. "Much, much worse."

"Was she caught using birth control?"

"No," said the lord. "Even worse. She's an illegal alien who has come here looking for a better life her family."

Horrified, I picked up the biggest rock I could find and bashed her skull in.

So Jesus patted me on the back and bought me a beer.

I'm from the Government, And I'm Here to Save Your Soul

I had a truly frightening nightmare last night. It started with with Rick Santorum's inauguration as President next January 20. No sooner is that done, the new President orders the government to round up all atheists, Jews, Unitarians, and anyone else whose Christian credentials are in doubt, and ship them all off to forced Bible study camps.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I ended up in a boxcar full of Jehova's Witnesses.

Sad But True

Happy Valentine's Day!

Catholic Hypocrisy

Really? The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has "serious moral concerns" about Obama's proposed birth-control plan? More concern than, say, about knowingly relocating child-molesting priests and deliberately trying to cover up their crimes?

These men have no business lecturing ANYONE on what is moral and what isn't. If hypocrisy and irony were mortal sins, America's bishops would be doomed to burn in the eternal fires of hell.

Too Bad This Isn't Available as a Firefox Extension

Bus Ahoy!

Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver last Friday.

"We're Going Down"

I still remember what I was doing 30 years ago today.

I was working at a record (Round black things that played music when you stuck a needle on them. Seriously.) store in Manassas Mall- Harmony Hut, if you're being nosy--and we had received word to close early because of a snowstorm. On the way home I was listening to the radio when the announcer interrupted with a news bulletin that a plane had just crashed into the Potomac River.

When I got to the house I immediately turned on the TV and the first thing I saw was a U.S. Park Police helicopter trying to rescue people from the river. At one point the pilot, officer Don Usher, actually dipped the skids into the water as another guy leaned out the open door to grab a survivor. And while I may not know squat about flying a helicopter, I know enough to realize that was one hell of a daring move.

The plane that had gone down was Air Florida flight 90. It had just taken off from National Airport, gotten maybe 50 feet into the air, and then stalled. On its way down, the Boeing 727 clipped the 14th Street Bridge and killed four motorists who were stuck in rush hour traffic. The plane then smashed through the ice of the frozen river below.

Investigators quickly concluded that the plane had stalled because of ice on its wings. Although it had been de-iced while still at the gate, the plane got stuck as it was pulling away. That ended up costing it almost an hour delay, enough time for ice to begin reforming on its exterior.

As it turns out, however, investigators also found that the causes of this tragedy went well beyond mere frozen slush. It got to the heart of how people interact with superiors. For example, on the black box recording the copilot could be heard voicing concerns about some anomalous readings from one of the engines, readings probably caused by the buildup of ice over various sensors. The pilot, however, ignored the warnings. And the copilot, rather than continuing to press the issue, declined to further challenge his Captain's authority.

Finally, at 4:01 PM, came the final exchange between the Captain and his First Officer (Graphic of time line, cockpit recordings):

First Officer: Larry, we're going down, Larry.
Captain: I know it.

The lessons learned from the accident investigation carried over into other modes of transportation, as well as even the medical profession. The bottom line was don't be afraid to challenge your superiors if you see a potential problem. (More photos).

Amazingly, four passengers and a flight attendant from the plane ended up surviving thanks to the heroic efforts of several passersby.

Roger Olian was a sheet metal foreman at Saint Elizabeth's hospital. He was on his way home when the plane crashed near him. Before rescue workers had a chance to begin arriving, he and several other people fashioned a long "rope" out of jumper cables, panty hose, and scarves. He tied one end around his waist and then crawled out onto the ice. He got to within a few yards of the wreckage when the helicopter arrived and was pulled back to shore.

Then there was a lowly government worker named Lenny Skutnik. He watched one woman repeatedly trying to grab the rescue line from the chopper, but the 29 degree water had weakened her to the point where she could no longer hold on to the rope. So what did this idiot go and do? He jumped into the freezing water without a lifeline, swam 30 feet through chunks of broken ice, grabbed the woman, and dragged her back to shore.

People call athletes heroes for pulling in multi-million dollar paychecks. But when is the last time Peyton Manning jumped into 29 degree water to save someone's life? Has Tim Tebow ever risked his neck piloting a rescue helicopter during a blinding snowstorm?

Two weeks later, Skutnik got to sit next to Nancy Reagan as her husband delivered the State of the Union Address. During the speech, President Reagan congratulated Skutnik by name for his actions. And while many other people have since been invited to the annual presidential addresses and singled out for recognition, Skutnik was the first. He still lives in the same Washington area townhouse as 30 years ago, but has since retired from the Congressional Budget Office.

Finally and most sadly, there was Arland Williams. He was a passenger on the plane and survived the crash itself. But he kept passing the helicopter's life line to other surviving passengers. And what became of Williams?

He had been so busy saving others that he drowned before he could save himself.

WUSA news report



Documentary, part 1 (Includes interviews with Skutnik, Olian,
a crash survivor, and the copter pilots)



Documentary, part 2



Documentary, part 3


Documentary, part 4

Gotta Love That Christmas Spirit!

This certainly captures the true spirit of the season as far as I'm concerned!

Damn Illegal Aliens Are Everywhere

What I Want for Christmas

You're Welcome

Finally, a Miracle Atheists Can Believe in

The First Thanksgiving

Some of you from distant lands such as Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and the country of South America may not be familiar with this uniquely American holiday (granted, Canadians celebrate it as well, but we in the United States tend to ignore our northern neighbors except when it comes to the Stanley Cup standings) so here is a brief history of its origins:

Back in 1620, a group of Puritans (also known as pilgrims) had grown weary of the constant persecution and ridicule they were forced to endure in Europe. This was understandable, since they tended to dress funny.

Hoping to find a place where they would be free to practice their faith more openly and persecute someone else for a change, like witches, a group of them set sail on the Mayflower. The Mayflower was the largest moving van of its day, and considered a technological marvel for its ability to keep the poor Pilgrims from coming in contact with the rich ones. Their destination was the distant land of North America, which had recently been discovered by Christopher Columbus (Well, actually, it had been discovered by a guy named Leif Ericson, but he was Norwegian, and therefore didn't really count). Columbus had actually been looking for a new trade route to China, misread his GPS readings, and became hopelessly lost. Being a man, he refused to stop for directions. In recognition of his blithering incompetence, Columbus was given a Federal holiday.

But I digress.

Before the travelers could make it to the safety of Ellis Island, their moving van struck an iceberg and sank. This unexpected turn of events rudely interrupted the torrid but mostly chaste (at least until they ended up in the backseat of a Model T) shipboard romance of Jack Dawson and Pochohantas. Faced with a scarcity of lifeboats, many of the men nobly dressed up as women and children to procure a seat to safety.

The survivors eventually came ashore at Plymouth Rock, called such because a car dealership in Boston had purchased the naming rights. There they were befriended by native Americans, also known as Indians since they spoke with funny accents and were willing to work as computer programmers for incredibly low wages. Without their help, the pilgrims would never have gotten a sensible inventory control program up and running, and would have surely starved to death during the coming winter.

The following year yielded healthy crops and a bountiful harvest. That fall, the pilgrims invited their new Indian friends (who weren't actually from India) to share a feast of giving thanks to the good lord. And to further show their gratitude, the settlers gave the natives blankets, muskets, smallpox, and syphilis.

In return, the Indians introduced the newcomers to corn, tobacco, lung cancer, and scalping, especially when it comes to Springsteen tickets. They also built gambling casinos to take their money. Meanwhile, the Indians also fiercely debated whether the recent immigrants were destroying American culture.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of the first American Thanksgiving.

Good Question