Ted Stevens Indicted

It is my sad duty to report that Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has been indicted for filing false financial disclosure forms with the government. It's no doubt just a silly misunderstanding over $250,000 that mysteriously showed up in his bank account.

Stevens is the longest serving Republican in the Senate today. Over the years he has distinguished himself in many ways, including once suggesting that HBO's The Sopranos should be censored because of its dirty language. Heaven forbid that Americans should be forced to voluntarily pay $20 a month to watch such smut.

Then there's his famous "Bridge to Nowhere," a $500 million project that would have linked a largely uninhabited Alaskan island to the mainland. It was an engineering marvel that was unfortunately ahead of its time.

But the Alaska Senator is perhaps most famous for his technological prowess, as evidenced by his now famous description of the internet as a "series of tubes." That's why I now keep a can of Drano next to my computer. Whenever my PC starts running a little slow, I just pour some of it into an open USB port. It clears those tubes right out.

So let's all hope Stevens can overcome his current legal problems. Our government needs more minds like his.