Pass the Percocet
Word is that rocker Ozzy Osbourne is recuperating from injuries he suffered in the crash of his all terrain vehicle the other day. However, he remains largely incoherent and unintelligible from being so heavily medicated.

In other words, he's already back to being his old self.

For Whom the Bell Tolls
A Salvation Army bell ringer in Fredericksburg, VA was robbed of her kettle loaded with coins and dollar bills.

You know, if you're so desperate that you'll sink to stealing from the Salvation Army, chances are you probably qualify for their help in the first place.