Gustav: About to Huff & Puff & Blow New Orleans Away

This past Wednesday morning I wrote a rather alarming post about Hurricane Gustav, and noted that it was aimed at a point just west of New Orleans. I must now shamefully admit that it was all wild speculation. The fact is that at the time, there were no computer models showing exactly what would happen with the storm almost a week down the road, and no respectable forecasters were willing to even speculate on the matter.

Irresponsible on my part? Yes. Wildly alarmist without any facts to back me up? Sadly, yes. But I reasoned that if Fox News can get away with making sh*t up, well by gosh, so can I.

So here we are four days later, and what's happening? Gustav is a strong category 3 hurricane and is expected to hit Louisiana about 60 miles to the west of New Orleans. That would put The Big Easy squarely in the most destructive part of the storm, and subject both the Mississippi River and Lake Pontchartrain to storm surges of as much as 17 feet. There is also the possibility that Gustav may re-intensify to category 4 status by the time that happens.

Katrina, in contrast, hit land as a category 3 hurricane to the east of New Orleans. Despite the flooding, the city was actually spared the worst of the storm.

So will the rebuilt levees hold this time around? With New Orleans now under a mandatory evacuation order, no one seems particularly optimistic about the prospects.

What does seem likely, however, is that by next week we'll be debating whether it's worth rebuilding the city yet again.

Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale:

Apparently McCain Got into Bush's Liquor Cabinet

Let me make sure I've got this straight: John McCain's principle criticism of Obama has been that he is too inexperienced to be President.

So what does McCain do? He picks as his vice presidential running mate the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. And what, you may ask, are Palin's credentials? She's four years younger than Obama, has held office for less than two years (half as long as Obama's been a Senator), and has absolutely no experience in Washington.

It is often said that the vice president is a heartbeat away from the presidency. And with McCain turning 72, the man has an increasing finite number of heartbeats left. Probably more so than at any time in recent history, his Vice President needs to be someone who is qualified to become President.

If, as McCain has repeatedly said, Obama is NOT qualified to be President, what the hell makes him think Palin is?

Gustav Update

Today marks the third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina's landfall along the Gulf coast. And to celebrate the occasion, residents of New Orleans are bracing for Hurricane Gustav. While the storm isn't expected to make landfall till early next week, and its exact track remains somewhat uncertain, New Orleans is well within the threatened area.

Which brings me to my next point: I have a fantastic idea for an invention.

You know how some sofas open into beds? Well, how about a sofa that opens into a canoe!?! If you think about it, a sofa/canoe would be the perfect addition to any home in New Orleans! There would be no need to waste your time packing your car for what may be an unnecessary evacuation. If the worst does happen, and the levees do once again fail, you can just sit in your living room right up until the moment the water starts flooding your home. Then you just calmly float out the front door and head for dry land.

The deluxe model can include a sectional recliner/cooler to store non-perishable food items. Or beer, if you prefer.

What's Number Two for?

Okay, So I'll Miss Bush's Inspiring Speaking Style

By most accounts, Barack Obama delivered a stirring acceptance speech last night. Unfortunately I had completely forgotten about the convention, so I missed it. If only someone had sent me a text message as a reminder....

Anyway, one of the criticisms about Obama has been that while he's a great speaker, is that necessarily a quality America needs in a President?

After eight years of Bushisms, I would have to say yes. It's time we elected a President who has at least a minimal understanding of the English language.

Horrors!!

McCain's Looking Better Every Day

Well, Obama is definitely doing his best to lose my vote.

Last week when I signed up for the text message about his vice presidential pick, I specifically picked the option that said I wanted no other messages. Just send me the name of his VP choice and be done with it.

So what happened a few minutes ago? My phone chirped at me. I looked, and guess what? It was a frakkin' text message from the Obama campaign reminding me not to miss his acceptance speech later this evening. I'm sorry, but I have a real problem with being asked to entrust the fate of the free world to a man who can't follow simple instructions.

The 3:21 A.M. message this past Saturday I was willing to let slide. But this? This is a different matter. There is nothing I despise more than solicitation phone calls, emails, and text messages. And don't even GET me started on the idiots who actually knock on my door. I view that as a serious breach of my privacy.

If you doubt me, just ask the three Jehova's Witnesses I have stored in my freezer.

See You There

A couple of weeks ago I saw a trailer for a movie called Hamlet 2. It was about some group of misfits in high school putting on a school play. While it seemed amusing enough, I decided to pass on it for now and just wait for the DVD.

But then I heard that some church groups were upset by the film. One group in Orlando went as far as to ask that theaters in the area not even show Hamlet 2 because of a song that supposedly "defiles" Christ.

Well, that was good enough for me. Any time the Christian Taliban tries to restrict my freedoms by calling for a boycott of a movie, my curiosity is immediately piqued and I have to go see what the fuss is about. It's just that I have this bad habit of making up my own damn mind instead of having a bunch of religious fanatics do it for me.

So let me take this opportunity to thank the Ministries Global Church of Orlando for convincing me to go see the movie. It was actually pretty good. Plus, I'm always on alert for new acts of blasphemy to brighten my day.

Basically, Steve Coogan (he also plays the director in Tropic Thunder who gets blown up by the land mine) is a failed actor who has been reduced to teaching drama at a high school in Tucson. On the first day of the new school year he finds himself facing a classroom of mostly juvenile delinquents. To make a long story short, he writes a sequel to Hamlet that wins the students over.

Of course, there is the somewhat minor detail that all the principle characters die at the end of the original Shakespeare play. So in Coogan's version, Hamlet somehow comes into possession of a time machine which he uses to save everyone. Oh, and along the way he also goes back and tries to save Jesus as well, which sets up a great musical number called "Rock Me, Sexy Jesus." And while the Jesus bit is by no means the main focus of the movie, it was apparently enough to stir up the religious folk.

So in the interest of freedom of speech, here's the video.... Though, of course, by watching it you risk damning your soul to the eternal fires of hell.

$5.00 a Gallon?

Have you enjoyed watching gas prices fall over the last few weeks? Well, don't get too attached to the sight.

Hurricane Gustav is currently churning in the southern Caribbean and on its way to the warm waters in the Gulf of Mexico. Current forecasts have the storm passing through the center of the Gulf on Sunday, at which time it will likely intensify into a category 4 or 5 hurricane.

Now here's the fun part: If Gustav maintains its current heading, its center will pass slightly to the west of New Orleans, whereas Katrina actually passed slightly to the east. These distinctions are important because the strongest, most destructive part of a hurricane is the northeast quadrant. In other words, Gustav may well dwarf Katrina in its effects on New Orleans.

Mindful of what happened in the wake of Katrina, members of the Bush administration have already begun sticking their thumbs up their asses.

But Gustav will likely effect us all. As we learned three years ago, much of the nation's oil production is centered along the Gulf coast. Should supplies again be seriously interrupted, expect serious spikes in the price of gas. Indeed, the cost of crude oil has already begun rising, and Gustav is still five days away from Louisiana.

Hey! Where'd Everything Go?

Don't be surprised next month if you're sitting at work, playing online poker in your cubicle, and the universe suddenly ceases to exist.

Preliminary tests of the LHC particle accelerator over the weekend have cleared the device for full scale operation in September. Bored scientists will be seeking to recreate the first moments after the Big Bang by f*cking with the very fabric of the space-time continuum.

They assure us there is probably nothing to worry about.

You Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

Downey Weighs in on the Dark Knight

Several times over the last few weeks I've said that I didn't get the big appeal (my review) of The Dark Knight. While Heath Ledger's performance was certainly masterful, I also felt that the Joker didn't get nearly enough screen time, and that the movie dragged anytime he wasn't on the screen. And then there was some kind of confusing subplot involving the Chinese mob. And as the movie began breaking records, I was left feeling dumber than a retarded turnip.... Maybe even dumber than George Bush.

So that's why I feel so dang vindicated after reading this interview with Robert Downey, Jr. An excerpt:

"My whole thing is that I saw 'The Dark Knight'. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved 'The Prestige' but didn't understand 'The Dark Knight'. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high brow and so [expletive] smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.' You know what? [Expletive] DC comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from."

Okay, so he sounds like he might be back on the coke. Even so, Downey makes some very good points. The Dark Knight did leave me feeling like I missed the entire point of the movie.

Priorities

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Recent flooding in Arizona was worsened by a border fence that was designed to keep out illegal aliens. Apparently the mesh that was intended to allow water to flow through becomes easily clogged with debris. According to some groups, the problem has been worsened by the Bush administration's decision to waive environmental concerns so that the fence could be built faster.

Well, that's certainly shocking. Who'd have ever thought that the Bush administration would disregard environmental concerns?

Even worse, with the illegals stuck on the Mexican side of the fence, who is the town going to hire to clean up the mess?

A What Kind of Swing?!?

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

The Little Storm That Could

Even though tropical storm Fay never quite achieved hurricane status, she nonetheless managed to weasel her way into the record books by making landfall in Florida four times. She also dropped as much as 25" of rain on parts of the state.

President Bush has already declared Florida a disaster area.... Which is only appropriate since it's the state that delivered the presidency to Bush in the first place. Think of it as professional courtesy between two disasters.

And although Fay has now been downgraded to a tropical depression, she's far from done. The slow moving system is now centered along the Florida-Alabama border and is expected to gradually drift westward into Mississippi and--yes--Louisiana.

At least it gives the people of New Orleans something to look forward to.

I Know the Feeling

Brother, Can You Spare a House?

Now That I've Had My Coffee....

Well, I tried removing the Obama bumper sticker from my car, but it wouldn't come off. Guess that means I'm stuck voting for him despite the 3 A.M. text message. Plus, there's the minor detail that McCain is a semi-senile lying sack of crap (actually, I was being polite) who would like nothing more than to get us into a war with Russia, if only he could remember where Russia is.

In my defense, however, I'm not the only person who, um, "noticed" the time on that text message.

This also serves to illustrate why I'd make a lousy President. If some dumbschmuck advisor woke me up at 3 in the morning with news that, say, Russia had just invaded Poland, I'd immediately have the Secret Service execute the offending adviser. Then for good measure I'd order the nuclear annihilation of both Russia AND Poland. Sure, bloggers would probably condemn me as a madman, but at least I could count on a good night's sleep from then on out.

But the timing isn't the only bad thing about the Biden choice. The man is just boring. If you've heard him speak, chances are you've never actually heard him speak because you fell asleep. Biden has appeared on Real Time with Bill Maher a couple of times, and he's one of the more boring guests. The man may be an intellectual giant among the members of the Senate, but what good is it if you end up sending your audience to Snoozeville?

There's one other lingering concern: Biden ran for the 1988 Democratic presidential nomination. Biden ended up withdrawing after being accused of plagiarizing a speech. Even though the charge was blown out of proportion, it's just the type of thing Republican attack dogs will try to capitalize on.

Hell, the McCain camp wasted no time pointing out that early in 2008 campaign, Biden himself questioned Obama's lace of experience. Those same Republicans have apparently forgotten that back in 1980 George H. W. Bush referred to Reaganomics as "voodoo economics," yet still ended up as Reagan's running mate.

Though the point is now moot, the boldest choice for Obama would have been Chuck Hagel.

Obama Just Lost My Vote

Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joe Biden to be his running mate, and it just cost the Democrats my vote.

No, it's not that I have anything against Biden. My complaint is that I had signed up to get a text message the moment Obama made his choice public. And when did he decide to do this? At 3 goddamn 21 in the freakin' morning on a Saturday!?!?!?

If you decide to wake me up at such an ungodly hour, the building had damn well better be on fire, or there better be a new shot of Britney's snatch available online. That's about it.

One thing you do NOT do, however, is wake me up before sunrise just to tell me the name of your vice presidential pick. At 3:21 A.M. I simply don't give a crap about the future of our nation, or the Iraq war, or the federal deficit, or how many goddamn houses McCain owns. All I care about at 3:21 is sleeping. If you forget that, you can rest assured there WILL be consequences.

Besides, wasn't it Hillary who once talked about those 3 A.M. phone calls?

WOW! I Was 45 When I Did That

Turning Up the Heat

Satellite photos show that a half mile wide crack has developed in a glacier in Greenland. Scientists find this particularly disturbing because northern Greenland, where the Petermann glacier is located, has so far appeared to be immune to global warming. Numerous other smaller fractures can also be seen in the ice.

Monsters in the Daylight

The Correct Answer Is 'Seven"

For the last several weeks the McCain campaign has sought to portray Barack Obama as some sort elitist who's out of touch with average working class Americans.

Yesterday during an interview McCain was asked how many houses he owns. His answer? Well, his answer was that he didn't know. McCain told the interviewer that he would have someone get back to him with an answer.

McCain's uncertainty is understandable. Between their primary residences, beach houses, mountain getaway cabins, and condos in Vale, many working class Americans have a hard time keeping track of their real eastate holdings.

Wet

Tropical storm Fay continues the lord's work in Florida. After sitting off the coast near Daytona Beach for more than a day, the storm has finally moved back inland. This makes Fay only the fourth storm since record keeping began--and the first since Donna in 1960--to hit Florida three times with at least tropical storm foce.

While Fay remains below hurricane strength, it is nonetheless a prolific rainmaker. Some parts of the so-called Sunshine state have now received as much as 30 inches of rain, which is just astounding. In comparison, Hurricane Mitch dumped 20 inches of rain on Central America a few years ago and entire mountainside villages were swept out to sea, resulting in a severe illegal alien shortage in the United States that fall.

Fortunately Florida has no mountains, and no retirement communities have been swept away yet. On the other hand, the state does have a lot of pissed off alligators at the moment.

Playing with Fire

A Dark Knight Falls

Here's the movie that finally knocked The Dark Knight out of the top spot. And it was about damn time, too.

MCain: Ignoring Reality

What planet is John McCain living on?

He has repeatedly slammed Obama's plans for withdrawal from Iraq as being irresponsible. McCain warns that we can't rush things, or we run the risk of setting ourselves up for failure.

Putting aside the minor detail that this entire war was launched on a series of lies, and that every single problem in Iraq today can be traced to our involvement in the first place, the fact remains that any withdrawal timetable is going to be set by the Iraqis. It simply will not be up to the President of the United States. Doesn't matter if it's McCain, or Obama, or Paris Hilton.

The reality is that the U.N. resolution that (more or less) justified our involvement in Iraq expires on December 31st of this year. The only way our forces can legally remain in Iraq after that date is IF a new agreement is reached with the Iraqi government. They have repeatedly made clear that they want us out of their country.

So far no agreement has been finalized, but the Iraqis are pushing for a 16 month timetable. If that is the agreement that is eventually reached, and McCain wants to stay in Iraq longer than that, then he has no business criticizing Vladimer Putin's actions in Georgia.

He Really Does Look Just Like a Hog

A New Reason You Should Be Scared Out of Your Wits

Poland has signed a deal allowing the U.S. to place missiles within its borders. Although the American government insists that the missiles will be purely defensive in nature, the Russians are, well, somewhat less than thrilled at the prospect. In fact, Moscow is warning of a possible military response. One Russian general took the warning a step further, saying that Poland may face nuclear retaliation from Moscow.

Poland also happens a NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization) member. The U.S. also has additional defense treaties with the former member of the Soviet block, which means that if Russia does launch some sort of military action, we will be obligated to respond in kind.

And since the Bush administration has a policy of not talking to America's enemies because it counts as appeasement, it's unclear where this standoff leaves the nations involved.... Or the rest of the world.

Somehow I felt a lot better when we were only worried about nukes from Iran.

Commercial Break

By the way, that's my hand at the very end.

(Found @ Paradise Driver)

Some Reassurance About Pakistan's Nuclear Arsenal

Still Pissed After All These Years

Pretty much the entire state of Florida is going to receive a pounding from Tropical Storm Fay. She hit the Florida Keys yesterday and then officially made landfall near Naples along the Gulf coast. Fay then traveled northeast across the peninsula, and the storm's center is currently over the Atlantic. Forecasters now expect the storm to sit for most of the day over open water which will enable it to gather strength. Once re-energized, Fay may once again come ashore tomorrow along the east coast of Florida as a category one hurricane and head back inland over the Sunshine state.

Here we are almost eight years later, and God is STILL punishing Florida for giving us George Bush!

Be Scared. Be Very, VERY Scared.

Here's a pretty good summary of what led to the war between Georgia and Russia. While the time line of some events remains fuzzy, it's pretty apparent that Georgia has to bear most of the responsibility for provoking Russia.

That's not to say that Russia is innocent in this mess. They were clearly spoiling for a fight, and much of their heavy equipment arrived in South Ossetia with suspiciously fast speed. However, Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili must also bear much of the responsibility for repeatedly ignoring the advice of other western leaders and blundering his way into what some suspect was a Russian trap.

Meanwhile, what exactly was John McCain thinking last week when he declared that today we are all Georgians? Does that mean he would have been willing to go to war with Russia? More importantly, why didn't he wait until he had more facts about exactly what had happened? After all, the last time a United States President jumped to conclusions and led us into a war without fully understanding the situation at hand, over 4,000 American soldiers died (and still counting), tens of thousands were wounded, hundreds of thousands of civilians perished in the crossfire, and the entire Middle East ended up becoming even more unstable.

I'm sure the fact that McCain is personal friends with Saakashvili, and the relatively minor detail that McCain's top foreign policy adviser was until recently a paid lobbyist for the government of Georgia, has absolutely nothing to do with McCain's trigger-happy attitude.

It's becoming increasingly obvious that four years of McCain would be like another four years of Bush.

Alas, No Bigfoot

You may recall that last week a couple of guys in Georgia (NOT the one that got invaded) held a news conference to announce that they had found the body of a Bigfoot. Of course, they conveniently failed to actually bring the body with them, claiming it was being kept in a freezer for safekeeping.

DNA tests on supposed Bigfoot samples furnished by the Georgia men have proven their claim to be a hoax. According to a scientist at the University of Minnesota who ran the tests, some of the DNA was from a human, and some of it was from an opossum. Skeptics have seized on this to denounce the claim as nothing more than another hoax.

Personally, I'm not sure. Since the existence of Bigfoot remains in dispute, how would we even recognize its DNA should we ever encounter a genuine sample? For that matter, how can we say with any certainty that Bigfoot is NOT, in fact, what you get when a human mates with a opossum? Heck, that's just the sort of thing that happens in the south all the time. Seriously, have you seen Deliverance? Is it a coincidence that the movie was set in Georgia?

It would also explain why there are so many Republicans in the south.

Throwing in the Towel

After several days of rumors, Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf has officially resigned. He was accused of abusing his power and repeatedly ignoring provisions of his country's Constitution. Had those charges been proven, Musharraf would have faced certain impeachment and removal from office by his Parliament.

Good thing for President Bush the U.S. never adopted the Pakistani Constitution.

Makes Me Proud to Be an American

Bring It On

Congratulations to swimmer Michael Phelps, who has won his eighth gold medal of the Beijing games. This sets a new record for the number of golds won by an individual at a single Olympics. The previous mark of seven had been set by Mark Spitz at the 1972 Munich games.

That's all fine and dandy, but can Phelps simultaneously operate six different remotes, controlling half a dozen electronic components of a home entertainment system, all while removing a cold can of Bud from the built-in cooler in the armrest of his recliner?

I'm ready to defend my title any time he thinks he's man enough to challenge me.

Comparing Balls

The political situation in Pakistan continues to deteriorate. Late word is that a top member of the country's Parliament has given President Pervez Musharraf 48 hours to resign or face impeachment.

You know, it's a damn shame when the Pakistani Parliament has more balls than the United States Congress.

Fun Job

My Kind of Place

See more Nick Swardson videos at Funny or Die

Someone's Going to Hell for This

And it'll probably be me for posting it.

Found @ Too Many Tribbles.

Not so Special Olympic Moments

Many people were in awe of the Olympics' opening ceremonies. Unfortunately, it turns out they were more fake than the moans from a dime store hooker.

First, remember those spectacular fireworks? According to Beijing Olympics officials, the aerial shots of the display were the product of 3-D special effects prepared ahead of time. But they have a good excuse: The city's smog filled skies would have made the fireworks difficult to see from a distance. Also, there was concern that it would have been dangerous to actually have a helicopter in the area while fireworks are exploding in midair.

Oh, and that cute little girl that sang the patriotic Chinese song. She was lip-syncing to a tape recorded by a different little girl.

And why would Chinese officials have pulled such a switch? Well, they decided the little girl that actually sang the song just wasn't cute enough. Even worse, she had buck teeth.

Well, okay. As long as they had a good reason.

That's Telling Him

Incoming Poo Alert

A giant inflatable dog turd the size of a house broke free from its moorings outside a Geneva museum and went berserk. The rampaging chunk of poo broke a greenhouse window and brought down a power line before being subdued by authorities.

Neighbors expressed shock and surprise at what had happened, and described it as always having been "a quiet piece of poo."

Sole Man

Speak Softly and Carry My Big Stick

WTF? Is that Vladimer Putin giving Bush a hand job?!?! No wonder they spend hours staring into one another's eyes.

His Own Best Friend

So Much for Confronting Your Fears

It was just last Sunday that the Washington Post ran an article on confronting your irrational fears, be they phobias about spiders, flying, or.... Driving across long bridges. The last one is one that effects a number of people here in the DC area because of the 4.3 mile long Chesapeake Bay Bridge. If you're going to one of the Maryland or Delaware beaches from the nation's capital, you pretty much have to drive across it. The state of Maryland even employs people at either end of the structure just to drive the cars of people too frightened to do so themselves. According to bridge employees, they have even seen some people climb into the trunk of their cars and close the lids just so they don't have to see what's going on.

Pretty damn irrational, eh?

So what happens just a week after the article ran? You guessed it: A vehicle went into the water.

Actually, it was a tractor trailer that crashed through a Jersey wall at about 4 A.M. this past Sunday. Driver John R. Short died, though it's not yet clear if it was the impact that killed him or if he drowned. The accident actually took place on the eastern approach to the main suspension bridge, but it still made for a 30 foot drop to the water.

When rescue personnel first arrived, they saw two other cars that had been involved in the accident. They even thought that was the full extent of the accident: Two cars. After a few minutes someone noticed that there a couple of big truck axles sitting in the roadway.... But no truck.

The Bay bridge actually consists of two separate structures. There is the original 56 year old bridge, which has two lanes and normally handles eastbound traffic. Then there's a newer three land bridge, which usually takes the westbound vehicles. Neither bridge has shoulders, so if you get into trouble, your options are severely limited.

This past Saturday night the three lane bridge was shut down for maintenance. The older bridge was handling all the traffic, with one lane in each direction.

According to witnesses, a Camaro drifted into the path of the oncoming semi. Upon impact the truck jacknifed, clipped a Toyota Prius that had been behind the Camaro, and then smashed through the jersey wall. The rig then rode along the concrete barrier for about 100 feet before falling over the side. That's when the axles were torn from the underside.

The Post managed to interview the 19 year old driver of the Camaro, and it was, well, somewhat disturbing. Candy Lynn Baldwin freely admits to having fallen asleep behind the wheel, then waking up after the crash pinned in her car. She then went on to describe her injuries: Broken kneecaps, and injuries to her spleen and liver. She also says that according to doctors, she may be able to walk again after going through physical therapy.

Huh? Is this bimbo for real? Does Baldwin honestly expect us to somehow feel sorry for her? At no point does she bother to express any remorse for having killed a man. Obviously the crash was all about her and the terrible inconveniences she must now endure. That a family has now been left without a father simply never crossed her mind.

Someone needs to sit down with her and explain exactly why John Short definitely won't be walking again.

______________________________________________________



FOLLOW UP--Posted 8/14

Turns out that John Short wasn't even supposed to be working that morning. He got a call from his boss late Saturday night asking if he could do a run. The company couldn't find any other available drivers, so he agreed to do it.

Also, police say that based on physical evidence such as skid marks and debris, it's apparent that Short tried to avoid the collision. However, since there are no shoulders, his options were limited.

If Only It Were True....

Providing A New Slant on Things

Spain's Olympic basketball team is in some hot water over a controversial photo in which they all seem to be doing the ol' "slanty-eyed" gesture. What the heck were they thinking when they did this? We are in the 21st century, yet we still have people in this world who resort to such childish, crude, immature, and grossly insensitive behavior?

Okay, so I do the exact same thing whenever an oriental lady cuts me off in traffic. But at least I have enough damn sense NOT to do it when I know I'm going to be surrounded by 1.3 billion of them.

Olympic Update

American swimmer Michael Phelps has now won two gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. He is hoping to win eight golds, which would break the previous record of eight set by Mark Spitz at the 1972 Munich games.

Meanwhile, China has taken a commanding lead in the Lunatic Stabbing Foreign Tourists Then Hurling Himself Off a Sixty Foot Balcony contest, which is a recent addition to the 2008 games.

Clean This Up Now Or You'll Go to Hell

Joel Osteen and his wife Victoria are co-pastors of a 4000 member evangelical megachurch in Houston. This past week, instead of spreading the word of Christ and saving souls, they've been busy trying to keep Victoria's ass out of the slammer.

She is on trial for a 2005 incident on a Continental Airlines flight in which whe she shoved a flight attendant and tried to force her way into the cockpit, and generally acted like a "combative diva." Out of fairness, Osteen had good reason to be combative: The flight attendants had been slow to clean some spilled liquid from her first class seat.

Now some skeptics may be wondering why a minister's wife was flying first class. Couldn't that money have been better spent, oh, say, helping poor people put food on their tables?

Osteen's lawyer has mounted an interesting defense: He says his client recently unerwent breast reconstruction surgery and was suffering from anxiety.

Breast reconstruction surgery? Huh? What was wrong with the breasts God gave her? Is she conceding that God is fallible and somehow screwed up her tits? Regardless of the reasons for the surgery, isn't she interfering with God's ultimate plan?

Good thing she's putting her congregation's financial contributions to an important use.

Why You Can't Trust Politicians

Miracle Cure

See more Adam "Ghost Panther" McKay videos at Funny or Die

Baby Steps

An Answer for Everything

Calling Rhett Butler

Russian forces have launched a series of attacks on the small Republic of Georgia. At dispute is a small region called South Ossetia, which is claimed by Georgia but whose residents want independence. Russia has gotten involved because this is a great opportunity to show the world that it still matters.

Hundreds of Georgians are already dead, and it remains unclear what the outcome is. Georgia is allied with the U.S. and has been seeking membership in NATO--which is another reason Russia has gotten involved.

While the dispute is centered on Ossetia, there are indications that the conflict may end up engulfing other regions of Georgia. If that happens, there is also a chance the fighting will spread to neighboring Alabama and South Carolina.

Guess It's a Good Thing He Didn't Get the Nomination

Former Senator/Democratic presidential contender John Edwards has admitted to having an extramarital affair with a campaign worker in 2006. However, he does deny fathering the woman's daughter.

This unexpected turn of events points out a major difference between the philosophies of America's two major political parties. No, it's not that Republicans stray from their marital vows less often; it's just that when a Democrat does it, it's usually with a member of the opposite sex.

Republicans Launch an Invasion of Italy

Aides to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi have ordered a naked breast that had been in the background of his briefing room to be covered. The titillating body part was on a painting and had been showing up in the image frame broadcast by TV stations. The solution? Have a gown added to the portrait to cover the offending nipple.

That sounds just like the same sort of stupid, ignorant, prudish thing we would do here in America.

America's Next President?

Screw John McCain, forget Barack Obama, and to hell with Paris Hilton. There's a NEW candidate taking the nation by storm!!

Dark Knight Express

The Dark Knight was number one for the third weekend in a row, narrowly beating out The Mummy XXIV: Yet Another Excuse to Show Off Hollywood's Fancy Special Effects Industry. It has now become the fastest movie to reach the $400 million domestic box office mark, and is expected to soon surpass Star Wars as the second biggest movie of all time.

In case that's not impressive enough, some analysts are now even beginning to talk about something that had been considered unthinkable when The Dark Knight first opened: It may even end up passing the all-time $601 million mark set by Titanic in 1997.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to see the movie again. While I did see it opening day and enjoyed it, I wasn't exactly blown away by it (my review).

I did go see Pineapple Express yesterday, and I predict that it is the movie that will finally knock Batman from his perch high atop Gotham City. The movie is funny as hell, and I found myself laughing so hard I peed my pants several times. In fact, when the movie ended, I immediately went to to the men's room and aimed the hand drier at the front of my trousers.

Seth Rogen more or less plays the same character he's played in all his other films: A slacker goofball who's more or less trying to do the right thing. But it's James Franco who really makes the movie. You may remember from the Spiderman movies as Peter Parkers' rich, somewhat straight-laced friend (well, except when he eventually turns into a villain hellbent on revenge).

In Pineapple Express, he plays Rogen's drug dealer buddy who's pretty much stoned through the entire movie.

Word of warning: While the movie is funny as hell, it's not one for the kids or your 75 year old parents. The humor is pretty raunchy, and at times there are moments of rather graphic violence.

But back to The Dark Knight. Here's a "lost scene" that never made into the final cut:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

A Severe Case of Irony

President Bush, currently visiting Asia, yesterday delivered a speech condemning China's poor record on human rights.

This means a lot coming from the man who legalized the torture of prisoners, and whose spokesman once famously said, Americans "need to watch what they say, watch what they do."

One Hell of a Time to Forget Your PIN Number

Did a Forgery Lead Us into War?

I still encounter people who, in defiance of all reality, think that Saddam was somehow behind the 9-11 attacks. Just six months ago I noticed I was getting hits from some site I had never heard of. Upon checking it out, the author had written something along the lines of "Another liberal who's forgotten we were attacked on 9-11." Which, needless to say, I found infuriating for a couple of reasons.

First, I'm only a liberal if you also believe Barry Goldwater was a liberal. I consider myself a conservative, but a conservative who favors a smaller Federal government. George W. Bush and the Republican party of the last 20 years have forgotten their conservative roots, and done more to destroy the movement than any number of gay weddings ever could. There is nothing "conservative" about increasing the power of government to control our daily lives. Chipping away at people's personal freedoms is NOT what the conservative movement used to stand for.

Secondly, what do the 9-11 attacks have to do with Iraq? Not a damn thing. Fifteen of the 19 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, which is an American ally. The group's leader was from Egypt, also a friendly nation. Two more were from the United Arab Emirates, also an ally. The remaining one was from Lebanon, which at the time was largely under the control of Syria. If the 41% of Americans who continue to believe Saddam was somehow behind the attacks would simply take their heads out of their asses long enough to look for themselves, they might finally realize they were duped into this war.

It remains to be seen what effect--if any--the new book from Ron Suskind will have on public opinion. Unfortunately, I'm guessing none.

Suskind, a Pulitzer winning investigative journalist, alleges in The Way of the World, that the Bush White House ordered the CIA to forge a letter linking Saddam's government to Al Qaeda in order to justify the attack on Iraq. If true, this is nothing short of a criminal action that justifies impeachment.

The existence of this letter has been known for years. It first surfaced in late 2003 and treated as a genuine article at the time. Over the coming months it soon became apparent that the letter was actually a fake, but its origins remained unknown.... Until now.

But does it really matter at this point? No, and don't look for Congress to suddenly grow balls and seriously pursue these allegations. Besides, in another six months Bush will be gone, and by then he will have pardoned pretty much everyone in his administration--including himself.

Paris in the Fall

Last week the McCain campaign released an ad comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Their intent was to suggest that Obama is just another vacuous celebrity.

Well, Paris Hilton has issued her response. And what's truly frightening is that her energy policy makes more sense than anything Obama and McCain have come up with!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Gas Pumps May Be More Painful Than You Thought

While not yet considered an epidemic by law enforcement officials, the theft of credit card information at gas pumps has been increasing. In some cases, thieves have gone as far as to place plastic sleeves with thin wiring over pumps' keypads. Then when customers enter their PIN numbers, the devices capture the information. Coupled with other cleverly disguised magnetic readers placed near the card readers, they can then create a fake debit card.

Even more amazing, there are loosely knit networks of these criminals who share tips and techniques with one another. They even have their own websites.

You know, if these criminal masterminds were to pool their talents and divert their attention to the betterment of mankind, we could solve all the world's problems in less than a week.

And if There's Anyone Who Knows About Getting Drunk....

Slow & Steady Makes the Drug Bust

A turtle in DC has led to a drug bust. Well, kind of.

Ken Ferebee is a National Park Service researcher, and one of his duties is to track endangered turtles in Washington's Rock Creek Park. Three of the little critters are even fitted with teeny-tiny radio transmitters.

Yes, the Bush administration has even stripped lowly reptiles of their privacy.

Anyway, a few weeks ago Ferebee decided to go check on Turtle No. 72. Using the transmitter, he tracked her to a clearing in the 1754 acre park. As he approached her, Ferebee noticed a small patch of dirt that was obviously being cultivated.... And had a number of curious looking plants growing in it.

Yep. Marijuana.

Ferebee notified the Park Police, and after some questioning, Turtle No. 72 was found to be innocent. The police did, however, begin monitoring the area. Eventually the plants were traced to a 19 year old Maryland resident.

So if you think you're tired of all the airport delays now, just wait till drug sniffing turtles start inspecting your luggage.

Why Bush Hates Trees

Going Googoo

People magazine has reportedly paid $15 million for the first pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's newborn twins.

What the hell!?!?! Has the public lost its collective mind? What is wrong with people? How did our priorities get so thoroughly screwed up? Our world is facing a myriad of economic, ecological and social ills: Global warming, rising oil prices, species extinctions, mass starvation, religious fanaticism, ethnic cleansing, and the frightening possibility that the next leader of the most powerful nation on Earth will be a senile old man. And all we can worry about is what a couple of snot-nosed babies look like!?!?!

Here's a newsflash, folks: They look like every other baby on the freakin' planet! They're bald, they drool, and their diapers are full of smelly poop! In fact, it's a well known scientific fact that the average baby produces five times its body weight in poop every single day.

And yet baby pictures are all our society can worry about in this f*cked up, topsy-turvy world of ours? Jesus H. Freaking Christ!!! This is so ridiculous it makes me ashamed to be a human.

On the other hand, please call me when they have more pictures of Britney not wearing panties.

Getting a Charge Out of Life

A single lightning bolt managed to strike 91 people at an auto racng event in Norway. Fortunately no one was killed or seriously hurt, but 45 of the injured were taken to area hospitals. The bolt hit a hillside that was filled with spectators watching the race.

That's why when I'm caught outside in a thunderstorm, I immediately seek out the shelter of the tallest tree around. I figure that way, lightning will have a hard time finding me. As an added precaution, I also like to hold a metal golf club over my head to ward off any bolts that do happen to spot my hiding place.

You can never be too cautious.

Soothsayer