Clean This Up Now Or You'll Go to Hell

Joel Osteen and his wife Victoria are co-pastors of a 4000 member evangelical megachurch in Houston. This past week, instead of spreading the word of Christ and saving souls, they've been busy trying to keep Victoria's ass out of the slammer.

She is on trial for a 2005 incident on a Continental Airlines flight in which whe she shoved a flight attendant and tried to force her way into the cockpit, and generally acted like a "combative diva." Out of fairness, Osteen had good reason to be combative: The flight attendants had been slow to clean some spilled liquid from her first class seat.

Now some skeptics may be wondering why a minister's wife was flying first class. Couldn't that money have been better spent, oh, say, helping poor people put food on their tables?

Osteen's lawyer has mounted an interesting defense: He says his client recently unerwent breast reconstruction surgery and was suffering from anxiety.

Breast reconstruction surgery? Huh? What was wrong with the breasts God gave her? Is she conceding that God is fallible and somehow screwed up her tits? Regardless of the reasons for the surgery, isn't she interfering with God's ultimate plan?

Good thing she's putting her congregation's financial contributions to an important use.