Saturday, June 30, 2007

Or Maybe She Packed Kitty Litter

According to astronaut Lisa Nowak's attorney, his client did NOT wear a diaper during her 950 mile drive from Texas to Florida. He calls the allegation a vicious lie fabricated by the police. However, he apparently forgot to defend his client against the allegation that she's a raving homicidal loon.

So then what did Nowak do to avoid having to stop? Sit in a sloshing puddle of her own piss and poop?

Yeah, that's MUCH more dignified than wearing a diaper.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Why You Should Use A Cup When You Drink Beer

Found this at Negative, Ghostrider. The ad has supposedly been banned from TV, and it's not hard to see why.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Dingbat Alert

Ann Coulter, everyone's favorite female attack dog (and I think we all know what female dogs are called) is back in the news: This time she said that she would like to see Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards "killed in a terrorist assassination plot."

If nothing else, this is further evidence that Coulter isn't playing with a full deck.

But the story gets better: Edwards is now using Coulter's remarks in his own campaign advertising to raise funds. Good idea, eh? Except now Coulter is pissed off about that and is demanding that Edwards stop quoting her in his fund raising appeals. In other words, it's okay for Coulter to make death threats, but it's NOT okay for the target of those threats to quote her?!?!?!

I take it back. Coulter IS playing with a full deck. It's just that the jokers have taken over.

Good News Update

Except for the car bomb that killed 22 people at a Baghdad bus station and the 20 beheaded bodies found on the banks of the Tigris River, things are going really well in Iraq.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A Frightening Case Of Police Brutality

Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherf*cker!

It was the summer of 1988 when I went to see some silly action movie featuring some TV star. I figured it would be a good way to waste a couple of hours.

As it turned out, I was absolutely blown away and ended up falling in love with Bruce Willis.... In a strictly non-romantic, manly love kind of way, of course. Really. Though he did have really nice pecs.

Anyway, I went back and saw Die Hard another seven times in the theater. And when it came out on VHS, I bought the tape. And with eight theatrical viewings, Die Hard holds a record for me.

Some clarification on that record: I did spend more time sitting in a theater watching Titanic. With a running time of 3.5 hours, I spent 1260 minutes watching Jack & Rose's doomed love affair over the course of six viewings. Die Hard's eight viewings, at 2.25 hours each, only totals 1080 minutes.

I bring all this up because Live Free Or Die Hard--the fourth of the series--opened today. Is it worth the price of admission? I'd have to say yes, provided you like to see lots of things go boom. And any movie that can pull off a scene in which a police car sails through the air and crashes into a helicopter filled with bad guys has got to be good.

That said, it still doesn't quite compare to the original. Timothy Olyphant's bad guy just can't hold a candle to the suave and debonair Alan Rickman. And some of Bruce Willis' stunts are a bit of stretch for a 52 year old guy. But the important thing is that the wisecracks are still there. And that--as much as the action--is what makes a Die Hard movie.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Full Court Press

In a surprise move, an Iraqi tribunal has sentenced Paris Hilton to hang for crimes against humanity. No, wait, it's Saddam's cousin Chemical Ali that was sentenced to die. My bad!

Ms. Hilton, on the other hand, has been released from the LA County jail after serving 22 days of her 45 day sentence. The reduced time was for "good behavior," which apparently even spoiled little brats are capable of when absolutely necessary. Her release comes amid reports that she has "found religion," though it is not immediately clear what religion.

Finally, remember Roy Pearson, the guy with the $54 million pants? Well, there's been a verdict in the trouser trial of the century: The judge threw out his lawsuit against the drycleaners. This is a tough break for Pearson, who has been wandering the streets of DC in his boxers for the last three years. What's more, he may not have a job for much longer. His current interim term as an Administrative Law judge has expired, and the mayor is apparently reluctant to appoint him to a full ten year term.

The future is also in doubt for Jin and Soo Chung, the couple that owned the drycleaning establishment that was the target of Pearson's lawsuit. They are stuck with $100,000 in legal fees, and they're not sure if they can afford to keep the business running.

Those Are Some Tight Genes, Baby

Researchers now say that it should be possible to reconstruct the complete genome of Neanderthal man. Even though no complete DNA strand exists, some scientists say that by using several different samples we can fill in the gaps. If this can be successfully done, it should hopefully settle the longstanding debate over whether Neanderthals simply died off, or if they interbred with modern human and were thus absorbed into our gene pool. It should also establish whether the guys in those Geico commercials are actual cavemen, or simply actors in heavy makeup.

Not to be a spoilsport, but is it really necessary to waste all that time, money, and effort reconstructing 30,000 year old Neanderthal DNA just to see what it looked like? Wouldn't it be easier to just get a blood sample from President Bush?

Monday, June 25, 2007

Good News Update

Well, except for the 35 American soldiers killed during the past seven days, today's spurt of suicide bombings that claimed at least 46 lives, widespread disarray among the nation's leadership, and evidence that the recent buildup in American forces has failed to decrease overall violence across the country, things are going really well in Iraq.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Some Place New To Muck Up

A noted scientist has prepared a bold plan for terraforming Mars and making it suitable to support human life. According to Lowell Wood, who recently retired from the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, Mars is simply stuck in a "thermal depression." By introducing greenhouse gases, humans can begin to warm Mars and make it more Earth-like. He envisions the entire process being done by the end of this century.

Wood's proposal comes on the heels of a report from a scientist at the University of California at Berkeley which says that Mars once had two large oceans. If true, much of that water is still locked up inside the planet.

Of course, at the rate we're going now, it's the EARTH that's going to need terraforming to make IT suitable for human life by the end of this century

Friday, June 22, 2007

Super Quiz

Here's an interesting little quiz. It's only six questions, but the results are quite fascinating.

Floss This, Pal

This about sums up my visit to the dentist earlier today:

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Great Aim. Good Thing There Were No Actual Terrorists Involved

There was some excitement at DC's Walter Reed Army Hospital yesterday when a situation arose that required one of the armed guards to open fire. Indeed, the circumstances were such that Dwan Thigpen judged it necessary to empty his entire magazine in a matter of seconds. No, he didn't do it to repel a terrorist attack. This was something much more serious, something that required full use of all his skills, honed by years of training: One of his coworkers called Thigpen "retarded."

In these sensitive times it is certainly understandable how such a politically incorrect term can offend people. Why use such a demeaning term when the phrase "mentally handicapped" can be used just as easily, and with much more dignity?

Anyway, Thigpen took umbrage at the description, pulled his gun, and began firing at his coworker. The sudden burst of gunfire sent everyone in the area, including passersby on the street, diving for cover.

The condition of the coworker? He's perfectly fine. Not a single scratch. Thigpen missed the guy with all ten shots. In fact, all he managed to hit was a couple of parked cars and a utility pole.

Guess maybe the coworker was right after all: Thigpen really is retarded!

Damn Illegal Aliens

There's yet another alien invasion movie coming out. No, no, it's not about Mexicans plundering our jobs in the lucrative lawn care industry. This is about the kind of aliens that come from outer space and steal a planet's resources. This one has a twist, though: It's us humans are the invading bad guys!

The film is called Terra, and it's currently making the rounds at film festivals. The unusual thing about the inhabitants of Terra is that they have a natural bouyancy in their world's helium atmosphere and are thus able to essentially "swim" through air.

This idea is, of course, completely preposterous: Any planet with a helium atmosphere would simply float out of orbit and eventually out of the galaxy itself.

The movie's premise is that humanity has pretty much used up all the natural resources of planet Earth and is now spreading out into other systems looking for new worlds to exploit. The inhabitants of this one planet decide to fight back and launch an insurgency to repel the invaders.

Typical liberal attitude, ain't it? I mean, who cares how many those stupid helium-sucking aliens die? The important thing is that we're bringing them democracy, and they're going to like it even if it kills them.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


A lake in southern Chile has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Described as approximately 10-12 acres in size, the body of water was last seen in March near a melting glacier. It is unclear whether it was a victim of foul play or mere evaporation.

Distraught relatives are asking anyone with information about the missing lake to call Chilean authorities.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A Kick In The Crystal Balls

Grace Uwanawich of Montgomery County, Maryland, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for practicing fortunetelling without a business license. She will also have to pay $270,000 restitution to four clients who paid her large sums of money. One of the women paid Uwanawich as much as $160,000 to end a curse which supposedly dated back to when the Great Wall of China was built.

No word on whether she could have helped Judge Roy Pearson find his missing pants.

This is a gross miscarriage of justice. It's not like Ms. Uwanasandwich, or whatever her name is, held a gun to these people's heads and forced them to hand over that kind of money. They voluntarily gave it to her!!! So then why is she the one being punished?

It's her so-called "victims" who should be arrested for criminal stupidity.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Evolution, Homer Style

Harey Situation

Italy's Milan Airport was forced to close briefly because mating hares were overrunning the runways. Volunteers fanned out in an effort to trap as many of the wild rabbits as possible and relocate them.

Kinda gives new meaning to that old expression: "She had a wild hare up her ass."

Turning Up The Heat

The Prime Minister of Hungary has asked employers to loosen their dress codes this week. The recommendation is for women to skip wearing stockings this week. Men would be allowed to go without ties.

A major heatwave is expected to hit later this week, with temperatures in Budapest expected to top 98 degrees (37 Celsius). Such heat is virtually unheard of in Hungary, and even most public buildings don't have air conditioning.

Don't worry though. According to the brilliant scholar/scientist/statesman George W. Bush, heat waves have nothing to do with global warming.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Friday, June 15, 2007

Was It Osama's?

The National Postal Museum next door to DC's main railroad station had to be evacuated yesterday after a foul-smelling suspicious package was found. The bomb squad was summoned and carefully examined it. They eventually opened the container and discovered, to their horror, a.... Soiled diaper.

No word on whether any astronauts had been seen in the area.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Pity Poor Paris

The world can breath a collective sigh of relief: Paris Hilton's medical condition has improved. With that crisis at the end, she has been moved back out of the medical ward and back into her old cell. Still no word, however, on the exact nature of the problem that landed her in the medical ward in the first place.

Meanwhile, controversy continues to swirl over whether the hotel heiress has received special treatment during her incarceration. One person has already filed a lawsuit claiming that even though she "had serious medical issues," she was treated worse than Hilton. Even the Reverend Al Sharpton, never one to pass up an opportunity for publicity, has gotten involved.

It is hard to sympathize with Hilton's plight. She was first stopped by police last September 7. That resulted in a conviction for reckless driving and DUI. Her license was suspended and she received three years probation. After all that, she was TWICE more stopped by police and cited for driving on a suspended license. It was that second stop that landed her in front of the no-nonsense judge now overseeing her case.

Besides, it's not like the cleaners lost her damn pants.

A Great Reason Not To Wear Pants, Part Deux

Remember Roy Pearson? He's the administrative law judge in DC who recently sued his drycleaners for $65 million because they--GASP!!!!--lost his pants. Supposedly they eventually found the wayward trousers, but Pearson claims its not the right pair.

The case--which is bound to do wonders for the image of lawyers all over the world--has now gone to trial and Pearson had an opportunity to tell his side of the story on the stand. At one point Pearson actually broke down and began crying while talking about his beloved slacks.

Who does he think he is? Paris Hilton? At least she had reason to have an emotional breakdown in court--she was about to go back to the pen. But Pearson!?!?! For God's sakes, be a man! People are already laughing at you, Mr. Pearson. Is it really necessary to further embarrass yourself--and by extension ALL males--by shedding tears over a stupid pair of pants!?!?!

Reminds me of the time someone stole my beloved blanky. I never spoke to my college roommates after that.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Another Reason Not To Trust Sushi

A man in Queensland, Australia was attacked and robbed during a home invasion by men wielding... a sawfish snout.

This just goes to prove what I've been saying all along: If sawfish snouts are outlawed, only outlaws will have sawfish snouts.

Just Don't Shoot The Altar Boys

The Church of England has entered negotiations with Sony to change the graphics in one of the Japanese company's video games. According to church officials, the PS3 game "Resistance: Fall of Man" contains a sequence in which players have to walk through a Manchester cathedral shooting at assorted enemies.

It is unclear if anyone would have known that it's a Manchester cathedral if only church leaders had kept their mouths shut.

It is good that the peace-loving Church of England is concerned about its image. After all, the institution was founded by King Henry VIII after the Pope refused to grant him a divorce from his first wife. Henry ultimately went on to behead two of his six wives.

Now THAT'S family values!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Scientists in Switzerland were recently trying to duplicate conditions during the Big Bang when they accidentally blew up their 17 mile long particle accelerator, causing millions of dollars of damage to the device. They were conducting an experiment involving the smashing of protons into one another when things went awry. The local fire department even had to be called in to aid in the evacuation of the facility. A subsequent analysis revealed that some very "fundamental" math errors had led to the accident.

Excuse me!?!?! These idiots almost destroyed the world because of a math error!?!?! Are we sure we need to be mucking around with this stuff?

If they inadvertently trigger a chain reaction that consumes all the matter in the entire freakin' universe, what are they going to do? Apologize? Hope no one notices that all of existence just came to a screeching halt? Sweep the debris under the rug?

Oh wait, can't do that! Rugs are made of matter, and it was all destroyed!!

It doesn't matter how many PhD's a person has. Sometimes they still deserve a dope slap upside the head.

Monday, June 11, 2007

It's A Wrap....Sort Of

Carmela (Edie Falco), Tony (James Gandolfini), A.J. (Robert Iler) and Meadow (Jamie-Lynn Sigler): The Family's family.Tom Shales of The Washington Post offers his own take on last night's Sopranos finale. In short, he loved it and praises the abrupt ending as being "unorthodox and arguably ingenious." And arguing about it is exactly what many viewers are doing at USAToday (comments are at the end).

Personally I hated it. I always hate unresolved storylines. Hell, I'm still bitter about the very last Calvin and Hobbs strip. But this also raises anther question: Is there ANY ending that would have left viewers satisfied?

No, probably not. Any final resolution would have left someone pissed off. That said, The Post offered several scenarios for the final scene on Saturday. My favorite:

INTERIOR: Vesuvio's restaurant. Very late. Carmela alone at a table. Artie, the restaurateur, and his wife, Charmaine, hovering.

ARTIE: Carm, what can I say?

CARMELA: I just couldn't go back there tonight. At least they didn't touch the bedroom set. My Frette linen . . .

ARTIE: Bleeping feds, right?

Artie, your melanzane! (Artie gestures, "Oh right.") So what will you do now?

CARMELA: I don't know. (Welling up.) So much evil in the world, Charmaine.

Who's coming for you?

CARMELA: Ro is taking care of Gaby. She's fallen apart. To watch Sil go like that. They said he had no more esophagus.

CHARMAINE: Meadow --

In Vermont with Patsy, studying for her LSATs. That reminds me. I've got to check on A.J. I don't think the doctors are going to bring him out of it this time.

ARTIE: (from the kitchen) Carm, do you know if they got Paulie, too? (To Charmaine) What? Not the Phil thing -- he got what he deserved. Paulie's still got quite a tab.

I don't think he was implicated. (a pause.) I still can't believe it.

It'll take time.

Ade, oh Ade.

How did they get him?

Christopher. From beyond the grave. Some notes the police found in that dead screenwriter's apartment. In Christopher's hand. And a dog finds her "skeletal remains." All those months, he lied to me, every time I brought up her name. Ran off, my ass. He killed her. He slept with her and he killed her. I will curse him and curse him and . . .

CUT to INT. of a cell. Camera finds hollow-eyed Tony. Camera pans to a TV set tuned to Ebert-Roeper-type movie-review program. Logo of "Cleaver" appears. Camera back on Tony, as one of the commentators is heard.

COMMENTATOR: It's a splatter classic! They spill blood from orifices I didn't know existed! The movie's a hoot! Randy, I gotta give it a thumbs up, too!

FADE-OUT. Over the credits, Billy Joel's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant."

Sunday, June 10, 2007

For A Moment I Thought My Cable Had Gone Out

The ending of tonight's Sopranos can best be summed up in three words: What the hell...?

It's All Over Except The Whacking

Some critics have called The Sopranos the finest series ever to grace American television. An exaggeration? Perhaps. After all, it's hard to top My Mother the Car.

Whatever its merits, Tony and the gang will end their run on HBO tonight. Among fans of the show, there is rampant speculation about what will happen in the finale. Will Tony live or die?

After the events of last week, that is not an idle question. Bobby got hit by a train (an absolutely classic scene) in the opening shots of a gang war with a New York family. Shortly afterwards, Silvio was caught in a fusillade of bullets and left in a coma, leaving the future of the E Street Band in doubt. And when we last them, Tony and Paulie were holed up in a safe house. But with their crew in disarray, it remains to be seen how they will be able to strike back at Phil Leotardo.

So how will it end? Personally, I thought I had it all figured out a few weeks ago. Chrissy was becoming increasingly disillusioned with mob life. To me it was obvious he would go to the Feds in return for a new identity. That theory went up in flames when Tony, er, "helpfully" held his nose shut after the car accident. So at this point, I'm left without a clue except to say that Tony will most certainly NOT die.

Then again, I also predicted that Kerry would beat Bush.

The Sopranos: A Seven Minute Wrap-Up

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Let Her Eat Cake

Pity poor Paris Hilton. It was only last weekend that she reported to prison to begin her 45 day sentence. Then on Friday the LA County Sheriff's Department released her to serve the remainder of her sentence in home confinement.

Well, that's certainly only fair. After all, if it had been you or me sitting in jail for violating terms of our probation following a DUI conviction, we certainly would have been allowed to go home six weeks early.

But then yesterday some evil judge stepped in and said no, she has to go back to jail and serve out the full term behind bars.

This is absolutely horrible!! How dare they treat Paris Hilton as some sort of--GASP!--mere commoner!?!?!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Another Damn Defeatist Joins The Chorus

Yet another cowardly defeatist has spoken up and said that things in Iraq are not going well. This individual used negative language such as "conditions in Iraq have not improved significantly despite the influx of U.S. troops in recent months" and that Iraqi factions "have shown so far very little progress" toward the reconciliation necessary to stem the bloodshed.

I'm getting sick and tired of these damn liberal America-hating Democrats who are so willing to spout unfounded negative attitudes about this war. Don't they care that such words only serve to destroy the morale of our troops and embolden the enemy? Such people have no right to.... What? The guy who said those things was Douglas E. Lute, a Lieutenant General in the United States Army? And he's President Bush's new Iraq war czar, responsible for coordinating the political and military aspects of America's involvement in Iraq?

Oh.... Well, never mind.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Putin On The Ritz

President Bush is to meet with Russian leader Vladimer Putin later today. Putin has been using increasingly aggressive language and threatening a new arms race since Bush proposed putting American missiles in Poland and the Czech Republic as part of a "defensive shield."

Hope Bush brings a geiger counter to check the sushi.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Why Europe Is F*cked

After several days of deteriorating relations between the United States and Russia, President Bush has sought to calm things down by saying that "Russia is not going to attack Europe."

This is reassuring coming from the same man who told us that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, that there was a connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda, that repeatedly told us we were turning the corner in Iraq, that uttered the words "you're doing a heck of a job, Brownie" to the director of FEMA even as bodies floated in the streets of New Orleans, and can barely speak coherent English.

So Much For Living In A Freakin' Desert

There's finally some good news for those of us concerned about the falling price of gasoline: A major tropical cyclone (that's what hurricanes in the Indian Ocean are called) is headed towards the Strait of Hormuz. That's the narrow passage at the lower end of the Persian Gulf through which virtually all the oil tankers that come out of the middle east have to pass.

Cyclone Gonad, or whatever the hell it's called, has already forced the evacuation of tens of thousands of people in Oman. A major oil loading port in that country has also shut down. The storm is also threatening Iran.

This also raises serious questions about the effectiveness of Tehran's nuclear deterrent.

Further down the road, Gonad will no doubt cause politicians in the United States to trip over one another as they call for investigations of price fixing by the big oil companies. This is only fair, of course, since big oil controls the world's weather.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The latest polls show that 30% of the American public continues to support President Bush. You have to wonder what is wrong with these people when even people high on pot understand what is going on:

Shades Of 'Terminator'

Japanese scientists have created a robot with 19 movable parts in its face. As such, it is capable of forming appropriate facial expressions based on the words it hears. For example, when it hears the word "sushi," it smiles. The word "bomb" makes it frown. And when it hears the word "Bush," it looks scared and disgusted.

Sounds like my kind of robot.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Except When Aliens Pop Out Of Your Chest

Excited scientists who get worked up over the darnedest things have discovered that sound waves can travel along the sun's magnetic field.

So much for the old theory that in space, no one can hear you scream.

Like We Don't Waste Enough Fuel Ourselves

The FBI has broken up a terrorist plot to blow up fuel facilities at New York's JFK Airport. Although the individuals were not Al Qaeda, they were inspired by extremist Muslim views.

But what makes this case even more disturbing is that these guys were NOT middle eastern, or of middle eastern descent. Two of the three were the small South American country of Guyana, a nation best known for its fabulous Kool-Aid drinking festivals. The third plotter was from Trinidad.

Okay, I'm confused. I thought we were fighting in Iraq so the terrorists wouldn't follow us home, perhaps by hiding in returning troops' luggage. Yet this is the second serious terror plot uncovered in a month in which the participants were NOT from the Middle East (the other plot involved the assault on Fort Dix, and was to be carried by a group from south Jersey).

Does this mean we now have to invade both South America AND New Jersey? Does the American military have enough manpower to carry out a three-front war? Will we still have to pay tolls on the Turnpike? What will the insurgency be like in Perth Amboy? So many questions, so few answers.

On a more serious note: John Kerry caught a lot grief in 2004 when he suggested that the fight against terrorism should be treated as a law enforcement matter rather than a military one. Yet in both the JFK and the Fort Dix plots, it was law enforcement officials--using informants--that thwarted the plans. And the British group that schemed to blow up airliners with liquid explosives last fall was also done in when a tipster phoned Scotland Yard.

Hmmmm.... Could it be we elected the wrong guy?

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Star Wars: Episode IV.5

Ever wonder what happened after the first Death Star blew up and Darth went spinning off into space? Neither have I, but fortunately someone did.

Friday, June 01, 2007