Say What?

Eight years ago Bill Clinton went on national TV and declared that he "did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky." That's a pretty definitive statement, and a few months later when it became apparent he was lying through his zipper, I was pretty pissed off. And it took a long time for me to realize that the escapades of his pecker were none of my damn business. After all, if the President of the United States wants to go on national TV and flagrantly lie about his sex life, which is obviously much better than my own, which consists of wacking off to the lingerie ads in the Sunday paper's JC Penney supplement, I really shouldn't care. Clinton's marital fidelity was something that should have remained between him and Hillary.

After all, it's not like people died, and he was lying to cover his own shameful criminal negligence in the matter.

Now let's fast-forward to last September. It is three days after Hurricane Katrina has caused the deadliest natural disaster on American soil in decades. President George W. Bush declares that "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees."

Well, um, okay. Maybe he failed to catch the increasingly ominous weather forecasts for the Gulf region over the last three days. Maybe he wasn't aware of the Hurricane Pam drills held just a year earlier. Maybe he's just ignorant because he's doesn't read newspapers. Maybe he was busy writing a book report on "My Pet Goat." But he certainly wouldn't lie about the disaster that just unfolded in new Orleans, would he? I mean, it's not like he's trying to cover up something his dick did, right?

Well, apparently he did fib. As most people know by now, a tape of a video conference held the day before Katrina unleashed its fury upon the Crescent City has been leaked to the media (Curse that damned free press!!!). In it Bush is shown participating in a conference call with several Federal officials who are warning him in the gravest terms about what will happen in the coming 24 hours.

Even former FEMA Director Michael Brown, who last fall was made a scapegoat by the Bush administration and became the butt of so many jokes, was there. And get this: He's actively participating, and very knowledgeable about what is will happen to the city. In fact, at one point

Brown warned that thousands of New Orleans residents were gathering in a shelter of last resort at the Louisiana Superdome, which he said was about 12 feet below sea level.

"I don't know what the heck we're going to do for that, and I also am concerned about that roof," Brown said. "Not to be kind of gross here, but I'm concerned about [medical and mortuary disaster team] assets and their ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe."

And the President's reaction to all this bad news? He just sat there, like a bump on a log. He asked no questions, and expressed no interest in what was being told to him. It wasn't till the end that he finalls spoke up and said, "I want to assure the folks at the state level that we are fully prepared to not only help you during the storm, but we will move in whatever resources and assets we have at our disposal after the storm."

Yeah, right.

The White House responded to the video by saying that there's "nothing new" in it. Huh? But Bush had plainly said that nobody "anticipated the breach of the levees." He said that! Millions of people watched him as he did so!! It's on freakin' tape, for crying out loud!!

And the White House's response to that? Spokesman Trent Duffy said "that the president in his now-famous Sept. 1 comment did not mean that no one had ever anticipated breaches of the levees that guard New Orleans from flooding. Instead, Duffy said, Bush meant only that after the storm's landfall, many people believed New Orleans had escaped its most powerful winds."

Well, if that's what the President meant, why didn't he just say so!?!? Or is this merely another unfortunate example of presidential misspeak, a tragic genetic disease that has plagued Bush for the last six years?

I don't know about the rest of you, but in 2008, I'm voting for the guy who speaks English.