But Can he Get His Head On A Coin?

In a past life I spent six years in college before, er, being "forced" to pursue other goals. What made it even worse was that John Belushi's character in Animal House managed to make it SEVEN years before flunking out.

I did, however, once get wasted at a toga party. Consequently I can take some pride in knowing that my collegiate experience wasn't a complete waste of time.

Those six years were spent at a relatively unknown medium sized state school here in northern Virginia. It was primarily a commuter college. In fact, my first year there--1977--was also the year that the first dorms opened. Out of a student body of about 15,000, less than 500 actually lived on campus. And quite frankly, unless you were a student or knew someone who attended the place, you would probably never have heard of it. Being named after one of the more obscure founding fathers of the United States didn't help matters.

Things have changed since then. With a student body of about 30,000, it has since become the largest university in the state of Virginia. The basketball team--which in 1977 played in what was basically a high school gymnasium--now plays in a 12,000 seat arena.... Too bad they hardly ever sell out for the games.

Anyway, all that obscurity is now apparently a thing of the past. This unknown school is suddenly the hottest name in college sports. George Mason University, which barely earned an invitation to the NCAA tournament (A.K.A. March Madness) has made it to the final four. They have been the underdog in each of the games they played to get this far, knocking off such heavily favored schools as last year's national champs, North Carolina, and the University of Connecticut, which was favored to win this year.

GMU plays the University of Florida tomorrow in Indianapolis. Whatever the outcome of that game, George Mason can take pride in the fact that he's finally as well known as Thomas Jefferson.

Maybe I Should Ask For A Quantity Discount

Bush held a press conference last week. In a response to a question by correspondent Helen Thomas, the President said he invaded Iraq because part of his job after September 11 was to "make sure that we didn't allow people to provide safe haven to an enemy. And that's why I went into Iraq. ... The Taliban provided safe haven for Al-Qaida."

Excuse me? The Taliban was in f*cking Afghanistan, two whole countries over from Iraq!!! Seriously, has this man ever even picked up a map?!?!

That's it. As soon as I post this entry, I'm heading for the liquor store. The only way I'm going to get through the next 1027 days is through the comfort provided by heavy drinking.

Frog Bashing

It is absolutely amazing what has been going on in France. The country has been roiled by marches and demonstrations for the past week, and today virtually the entire nation was been shut down by widespread strikes. The Eiffel Tower was closed, subways in Paris were idle, airports were being forced to cancel flights, and newspapers didn't publish.

Oh, and the cause of all this unrest?

The government is trying to push through laws that will make it easier for employers to fire non-performing workers.

Now is that outrageous, or what? I mean, can you imagine losing your job simply because you repeatedly fail to show up for work, or don't have a clue how to run a cash register, or drive a city bus while drunk, or tell customers to go f*ck themselves, or get pissed off and kill the boss with your bare hands? Heaven forbid that workers in France should somehow be treated the same as workers in every other industrialized nation. I guess the fact that even new hires are guarranteed five weeks of vacation a year and a 35 hour workweek isn't enough.

Is it any wonder so many people hate the French?

Why I'll Never Use A Toilet Again

Apparently not satisfied with its warrantless spying on the phone calls of innocent Americans, now the Bush administration has launched a new, even more outrageous invasion of our privacy: Analyzing our sewage.

Yes, it's true. Fairfax county, Virginia, now periodically collects samples of its raw sewage and sends them to a White House testing facility. Once there, the samples are tested for drug content and the prescence of liberal godless Democrats.

Is That A Nuke In Your Cargo Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

The Bush administration has hired a Hong Kong company to run the nuke detectors that screen cargo coming through some of our parts. This has raised some eyebrows, coming so soon after the United Arab Emirates debacle.

Whatever. As long as the people in Hong Kong don't start wearing turbans, I'm fine with it.

Incest Is Best

I spend a lot of time and energy picking on George W. Bush. Occasionally I even feel bad about it; after all, it's kind of like making jokes about a horrible train wreck.

The rest of the Bush family is not so bad, however. In fact, I feel compelled to point out that W's mother, former first lady Barbara Bush, is quite the philanthropist. She recently donated an undisclosed sum of money to a Hurricane Katrina relief fund.

But her generosity didn't end there. She even went as far as to specify that her donation should be used for educational purposes. And perhaps because that is still rather broad, she further specified that the money should be used to purchase educational software.

And not just any educational software. No sirree. She stipulated that the money be used to buy educational software from a company called Ignite Learning.... Which just happens to be owned by Neil Bush, one of other sons and brother of the President.

Now THAT'S generosity!

Dogma? What Dogma?

The bishop of the Catholic diocese of Arlington, Virginia has now decided to allow altar girls to serve during masses. This move leaves the diocese of Nebraska as the only one that restricts the job to boys. That's because the Vatican decided 12 years ago to leave the decision up to individual bishops.

Personally I applaud the move by the Arlington diocese. But as with the St. Patrick's Day relaxation of the rules of Lent (see March 17 post), I am once again puzzled by how this works. Don't the Catholics of Nebraska worship the same god as Catholics elsewhere in the country? And if so, why are their rules different from everyone else's? It seems only logical that either something is a sin in the eyes of God, or it's not. Your geographic location should have nothing to do with it.

This has inspired me to start my own religion: The Church of Lugosi. The entire belief structure of my church will be based on NOT having any set belief structure. Everyone will simply be able to make up their only rules in the Church of Lugosi, regardless of where they live. You want communion? Go for it. Want mass said in Klingon? Knock yourself out. Only want to follow seven commandments? Fine by me.

The only requirement is that you tithe 10% percent of your earnings to me, Pope Lugosi I.

Parenthood

Thirty one year old Christopher Greg Killion decided he wanted to go to a strip club. Problem was, however, that he had his four year old son with him. Not to be deterred, however, Killion did what any responsible parent would do: He decided to leave the child in the truck while he went inside the club. To insure that his son would stay put, Killion told him that if he left the truck, he "would be eaten by monsters."

Little kids have limited attention spans, however, and after about thirty minutes the toddler forgot about the warning and wandered into the strip club to look for his father.

If nothing else, this points out that kids nowadays are becoming increasingly stupid. First it was teenagers forgetting which end of a baseball cap is supposed to face forward, then the hip-hop generation lost the basic skills of wearing properly fitting trousers, and now four year olds are losing their fear of monsters!?! What the hell is that about? Why, when I was growing up, I had the good sense to listen to grown-ups and their warnings. That's why I never even masturbated till I was 27.

If we can't control our children's behavior by instilling irrational fears into them, just what the hell are we supposed to do? Be nurturing parents!?!?! Thank heavens I don't have any kids.

Fresh Brewed

Scientists in Indonesia are closely monitoring a Java volcano that has suddenly shown increased activity during the past week. The government of the island nation is preparing to evacuate people near the mountain on short notice should the situation become more dire.

If the Java volcano does end up erupting, it is expected to require massive amounts of cream and sugar.

Australia's Turn

The bad news is that a category five tropical cyclone--the Indian Ocean equivalent of a hurricane--with 180 mph winds has hit northeastern Australia.

The good news is that Bush administration was not in charge of preparing for it, so there may actually be survivors.

Damn Foreigners

A Mescalero Apache family in New Mexico is suing Steven Spielberg's production company. The reason? Well, their eight year old daughter made an appearance in Spielberg's miniseries "Into the West," and while she was being prepared for her part, someone (GASP!) gave her a haircut. It turns out that according to Apache beliefs, no one but the parents can cut a child's hair.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!! I am getting sick and tired of all these foreigners coming over here, taking our precious jobs involving TV appearances as native American children, and expecting the rest of us to accommodate their bizarre customs. If they want to live in America, fine. But it should be up to them to change their weird customs to fit in to our society, rather than rest of us being forced to cater to their every little custom.

Those damn native Americans should just go back to wherever the hell it is they came from.

Exceptions Allowed

Saint Patrick's Day--today--fell on a Friday this year. This is potentially a problem for Catholics since we're not supposed to eat meat on Fridays during Lent (that's the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter for the benefit of those who are NOT Catholic and are therefore doomed to spend eternity burning in the fires of hell). However, a number of U.S. bishops relaxed the rule this year so good Catholics could eat bratwurst and corned beef, a traditional feast for St. Patrick's Day.

WOW!!! They can do that!?!? Just take it upon themselves and suspend the very rules that govern the faith? How does that work? Do they have to clear it with the Pope? And if so, does he have to check with the almighty? I mean, I would hate to have my soul doomed because of someone else's mistake. And can Catholics get this waiver in writing? Suppose we get hit by a truck on March 18 and find ourselves being processed into hell because of what we ate the day before. What kind of documentation will we have that we had that hot dog in good faith?

And suppose you live someplace where the bishop decided to be a real a-hole and not grant the exception. Can we go to a neighboring diocese where the bishop is more hip and safely consume a steak? Or do the rules of your home diocese follow you wherever you go?

On the other hand, suppose my own bishop does allow beef on St. Patrick's day when it falls on a Friday but I'm on a business trip some place run by a strict bishop. Am I entitled to enjoy the exception because my own bishop allows it, or do I have to obey the bishop where I am?

And suppose my bishop decides to some day implement a "casual Friday" type of rule, where one day a week you only have to observe NINE of the commandments? Which one do I choose to break?

Man, I wish I had paid more attention in Sunday School....

Hello Again

Well, if you can read this, it means my site is back up. Apparently Blogger has been having problems with some "filer" thingies, whatever those are. I think they may have something to do with computers. Anyway, the people effected are still able to post, but trying to access the blog itself brings up a "Forbidden" message. When I first saw it, I thought the National Security Agency had finally caught up with me.

If you're a fellow blogger on Blogspot, save this URL. It's hard to find through Blogger's maze of links, but it does show "current known issues" with their service.

Divine Retribution?

Wildfires pushed by heavy winds are spreading through the Texas panhandle.

So why isn't Pat Robertson telling us that this is God's way of punishing Texas for giving us George W. Bush?

Well, Can't We Just Turn Down The Thermostat?

Several recent news items strongly indicate that Mother Nature has snuck up behind us with a broom handle while we were picking up the soap....

First up, there is disturbing new research that shows Greenland's glaciers melting faster than ever. In fact, the rate has doubled over the last ten years. This, of course, means rising sea levels.

Meanwhile there's even more bad news from the bottom of the planet, where satellite surveys indicate that the ice sheet covering Antarctica is also shrinking. And while previous studies had suggested that global warming would lead to more snowfall, thereby offsetting the accelerated loss of ice, that is no longer the case. It's melting faster than the it can be replenished.

And in Canada, there is the tale of the mountain pine beetle, which has destroyed millions of acres of forest in Canada. The pest's population used to be kept in check by prolonged extreme cold during the winters, but that is no longer the case. As average temperatures have gotten milder, the beetle's population has exploded.

Study? What Study?

A recent study in Greece strongly suggests that long time marijuana smokers have serious memory problems.

The results would have been released sooner except the researchers kept forgetting they did the study.

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

It's been a l-o-n-g two years, but The Sopranos are finally back as of tonight. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I would never want Tony to think that!

As the medium sinks ever deeper into a bottomless byss of mediocrity, The Sopranos is one of the very few shows that makes television worth watching--even if HBO costs an additional 17 bucks a month. And if the reviews from USA Today and The Washington Post are to be believed, this may well turn out to be the series best season yet.

So if any of you come looking for me on Sunday nights, I'll be at home with a baseball bat at my side.... Just in case any of you do come looking for me.

So When Do We Probe Uranus... Or Mine?

NASA has successfully placed its new Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter in orbit around the red planet. This was actually a fairly risky maneuver, as the probe was using the planet's air to aid in its braking maneuver. The slightest error could have caused the two ton craft to either burn up in the atmosphere of Mars or else miss the planet entirely and continue on to Uranus (insert requisite asshole joke here).

In fact, the entire mission has thus far gone off without a hitch. There have been no miscalculations due to metric/English conversions, no problems with the equipment itself, and no embarrassing technical errors by the mission control specialists.

That's too bad. I had some great jokes lined up.

Ports Deal Officially DOA

The controversial Dubai ports deal that Bush is now officially dead. The Arab owned company that was involved has decided to pull out of the deal. It's just as well, because the whole thing was just plain bizarre.

Shortly after the uproar erupted, the White House said that Bush didn't even know about the proposed deal. Then Bush got solidly behind it, and said he didn't see what the fuss was about. After all, he said, no one seemed to care when a British company was running the operations.

Well, um, okay, but the last time I checked none of the 9/11 hijackers were English. Two of them, however, were citizens of the United Arab Emirates. And the UAE was one of only three governments to recognize the Taliban when they were running Afghanistan. The other two were Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. And yes, both of them are allies of the U.S. in the War on Terror. That doesn't mean, however, that we should have either of them running our ports either.

More importantly, why is Bush acting all surprised that so many Americans were opposed to handing our ports over to an Arab company? For the last four years the President has constantly reminded that the terrorists are out to kill us and will stop at nothing to carry out their evil plans. Hell, he and Cheney based their entire re-election campaign on driving home the point that terrorists were just waiting for an opportunity to attack us again, to once again kill us by the thousands, destroy our way of life, wreck our economy, pillage our women, and rape our goats. Indeed, instilling that fear in each and every American has become a way of life for Bush.

And who are the terrorists? Well, we know they're not Canadians or Australians. They're not militant Methodists or fundamentalist Baptists. If you ask the average American who the terrorists are, they will tell you that they are middle eastern and Muslim. I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a bigot here, but that's just a fact.

So then why the hell is Bush acting all surprised that Americans are scared to turn over our ports to Arabs? If anything, he should be proud of making us this damn paranoid.

Nothing To Lose Your Head Over

While the rest of the world grapples with such petty matters as Iran's nuclear program, possible civil war in Iraq, and genocide in Darfur, the people of Richmond, Virginia are faced with a far greater crisis.

Two captive bears at a city park were recently put to sleep, beheaded, and their brains tested for Rabies. As a result, the people of the Richmond flooded city hall with outraged phone calls. As any politician worth his salt would (President Bush, please take note), the mayor quickly sprang into action. On his orders, workers at a landfill sifted through piles of garbage with backhoes to locate the discarded carcasses of the animals. Once found, they were cremated and their remains interred at a marked grave in the park. 500 people attended the funeral.

The whole thing started when a four year old child stuck his hand through a fence and was bitten by one of the bears. Unable to determine which of two animals did the biting, park officials made the decision to test both of them. Unfortunately, the only way to do so with bears is to kill them and send the brains to a laboratory.

Now, some of you may be wondering where the child's mother was while her kid was being nibbled on by wild animals. Good question, and this is where the story gets interesting: She's the whole freakin' reason the kid got bitten in the first place!

Two fences separated the bears from the public. The one closest to the bears is a ten foot chain link fence. A four foot wooden fence is outside that. Seems like reasonable precautions, right? And certainly any idiot would understand that those fences are there for a reason, right?

Well, er, no. Apparently some idiots are too stupid to figure that one out. The mother apparently lifted her kid over the wooden fence so he get a closer look at the bears. That's when he got bitten.

Huh? The kid's mother is an absolute moron who deliberately endangered her child and it's the bears that end up being put to death?

Hardly seems fair, doesn't it?

Drove My Chevy To The Levee But The Levee Was.... Gone

Hey! Good news out of New Orleans: The Army Corps of Engineers says it is almost finished rebuilding the 169 miles of levees damaged or destroyed by Katrina. The task should be fully completed by June 1, which just happens to mark the beginning of the 2006 hurricane season.

But as always, there are spoilsports trying to ruin the party. Certain so-called "experts" are saying that the rebuilt levees are actually substantially weaker than the original ones that failed during Katrina. They claim that inferior materials are being used to rebuild the flood control system, and the fact that the job is being rushed means that the new levees are not being allowed to fully settle. Also, a plan to "armor" the levees with concrete has been postponed. And if that's not enough to worry about, the experts are also warning that existing floodwalls that were damaged last summer are not being repaired, making them more susceptible to failure during a future storm.

Oh please.... You give some people an engineering degree and suddenly they think they know everything. The fact is that the Bush administration has already established that much of alleged science is nothing but a crock.

Evolution? A crock. Global warming? Crock. So what makes these engineers think their science is so damn special? Besides, what are the odds of another major hurricane hitting a city that happens to sit along the coast of one of the world's most prolific incubators for major tropical cyclones? It's probably less than 50/50. Okay, maybe 60/40. And certainly no more than 70/30.

Besides, Brokeback Mountain lost at the Oscars. God has no reason to punish us.

One.... Two.... Five.... Seven.... Oh, Who's Counting?

I have to admit to being somewhat confused. There's been a lot of uproar lately over same sex marriages, and how that sort of thing pisses off the man upstairs and causes him to send more hurricanes our way. So that would certainly seem to mean that we should encourage more marriages between members of the opposite sex, right? In fact, encouraging such traditional forms of marriage should therefore logically cause our weather to be nicer.

So then why the hell are the authorities persecuting poor Charles "Ed" Hicks? This poor guy is a virtual wedding machine, and he only marries women. And really, isn't that what we all want? Brokeback Mountain's Oscar nominations notwithstanding?

Granted, Mr. Hicks has been married seven times, but he's only been divorced five times, which means.... Oops.... Okay, so maybe he's bad at math and lost track. That happens to the best of us. The important thing he is that at least he's ahead in the marriage category.

FORE!!

As part of a publicity stunt, the Russian government has arranged for one of the astronauts on the International Space Station to wack a golf ball into orbit. This hare brained scheme is part of a deal between a Canadian golf club manufacturer and the Russian Space Agency.

Oh good. Just in case we haven't already screwed up the Earth enough, now we can start polluting outer space!

Say What?

Eight years ago Bill Clinton went on national TV and declared that he "did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky." That's a pretty definitive statement, and a few months later when it became apparent he was lying through his zipper, I was pretty pissed off. And it took a long time for me to realize that the escapades of his pecker were none of my damn business. After all, if the President of the United States wants to go on national TV and flagrantly lie about his sex life, which is obviously much better than my own, which consists of wacking off to the lingerie ads in the Sunday paper's JC Penney supplement, I really shouldn't care. Clinton's marital fidelity was something that should have remained between him and Hillary.

After all, it's not like people died, and he was lying to cover his own shameful criminal negligence in the matter.

Now let's fast-forward to last September. It is three days after Hurricane Katrina has caused the deadliest natural disaster on American soil in decades. President George W. Bush declares that "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees."

Well, um, okay. Maybe he failed to catch the increasingly ominous weather forecasts for the Gulf region over the last three days. Maybe he wasn't aware of the Hurricane Pam drills held just a year earlier. Maybe he's just ignorant because he's doesn't read newspapers. Maybe he was busy writing a book report on "My Pet Goat." But he certainly wouldn't lie about the disaster that just unfolded in new Orleans, would he? I mean, it's not like he's trying to cover up something his dick did, right?

Well, apparently he did fib. As most people know by now, a tape of a video conference held the day before Katrina unleashed its fury upon the Crescent City has been leaked to the media (Curse that damned free press!!!). In it Bush is shown participating in a conference call with several Federal officials who are warning him in the gravest terms about what will happen in the coming 24 hours.

Even former FEMA Director Michael Brown, who last fall was made a scapegoat by the Bush administration and became the butt of so many jokes, was there. And get this: He's actively participating, and very knowledgeable about what is will happen to the city. In fact, at one point

Brown warned that thousands of New Orleans residents were gathering in a shelter of last resort at the Louisiana Superdome, which he said was about 12 feet below sea level.

"I don't know what the heck we're going to do for that, and I also am concerned about that roof," Brown said. "Not to be kind of gross here, but I'm concerned about [medical and mortuary disaster team] assets and their ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe."

And the President's reaction to all this bad news? He just sat there, like a bump on a log. He asked no questions, and expressed no interest in what was being told to him. It wasn't till the end that he finalls spoke up and said, "I want to assure the folks at the state level that we are fully prepared to not only help you during the storm, but we will move in whatever resources and assets we have at our disposal after the storm."

Yeah, right.

The White House responded to the video by saying that there's "nothing new" in it. Huh? But Bush had plainly said that nobody "anticipated the breach of the levees." He said that! Millions of people watched him as he did so!! It's on freakin' tape, for crying out loud!!

And the White House's response to that? Spokesman Trent Duffy said "that the president in his now-famous Sept. 1 comment did not mean that no one had ever anticipated breaches of the levees that guard New Orleans from flooding. Instead, Duffy said, Bush meant only that after the storm's landfall, many people believed New Orleans had escaped its most powerful winds."

Well, if that's what the President meant, why didn't he just say so!?!? Or is this merely another unfortunate example of presidential misspeak, a tragic genetic disease that has plagued Bush for the last six years?

I don't know about the rest of you, but in 2008, I'm voting for the guy who speaks English.

Aar Aar Aar

Paul McCartney will be joining protesters against the annual Seal hunt in Canada.

No word on whether Heidi Klum will also be there.

Sense

Says here that the White House was taken by surprise over the uproar on that ports deal with the United Arab Emirates. The story first broke on February 13, and many members of Congress immediately jumped all over it.

So why didn't Bush immediately come to the defense of the deal? Well, apparently he just didn't know. No one even bothered to tell him about it until the 16th, three days later!! Even then, it wasn't until the 21st that Bush broke his silence on the matter and came to its defense. That's okay, though, because Bush didn't even know about the sale until a few days prior to that.

Am I the only one who is stunned by all this? With all the talk over the last several years about securing our borders and ports, how come the President of the United States there was such a transaction in the works? And considering how quickly the story came to dominate the national media, why didn't he know about the fuss for three days, until someone else told him?

Oh, right. Bush has previously bragged that he doesn't read newspapers. I mean, the man is actually proud of his ignorance!!!! Bush needs to stop rereading his worn out copy of "My Pet Goat," looking for subtle nuances in the story, and occasionally pick up a copy of USA Today. He may actually end up learning something. Seriously, with someone like that at the top, is it any wonder that it took the Federal government almost a week to react to the disaster in New Orleans?

I may be ignorant myself, but at least I have enough sense not to go around publicizing the fact.