And The Sixth Letter Of The Greek Alphabet Is....

As we prepare to bid farewell to the year of our lord 2005, let us also give a resounding howdy-doody to tropical storm Zeta! It formed just in the nick of time, as any storm systems achieving named status tomorrow or after will fall under the 2006 list.

Zeta is the 27th named storm of the year and is currently some 1100 miles southwest of the Azores. It is not expected to pose a threat to land.

Time Flies.... Just Not Tonight

Oh great.... Just in case we don't have enough to worry about with environmental problems, oil depletion, deforestation, mutating bird flu viruses, global warming, killer asteroids, giant monkeys falling in love with blonde babes, stronger hurricanes, and terrorists, now we're told the Earth slowing down!!!!

It's true! Scientists have announced that they will be adding a "leap second" to clocks tonight. 11:59:59 PM will actually last TWO seconds this year, so remember that when you get ready to clink your champagne glasses together.

And yes, it's Bush's fault. Thanks for asking.

Stick That In Your Lava Dome And Smoke it

So-called scientists are bewildered by the behavior of Mount Saint Helens in Washington state. It has been "oozing" lava now for the last 15 months. Every three seconds or so, the mountain puts out the equivalent of a large dump truck load of molten rock. Normally when a volcano produces this much lava, the source is from deep underground and is accompanied by certain gases. St. Helens lacks that, which suggests that the lava is coming from inside the mountain itself. But such lava production is short-lived, and causes subtle changes in the shape of the mountain itself. Again, St. Helens lacks that.

Consequently, scientists are unable to fully explain the mechanism behind the mountain's actions because of gaps in their knowledge.

Hmmm.... Gaps in their knowledge? Then obviously Mt. St. Helens' behavior is the product of intelligent design, and we should explain it as such in our kids' science textbooks.

Would You Like Lithium On Your Popcorn, Sir?

A federal judge has granted presidential assailant and certified wacko John Hinckley overnight stays with his parents in Williamsburg, Virginia. Hinckley has been in a DC mental hospital ever since he shot President Reagan and three others in 1981. In recent years Hinckley has been allowed to leave the hospital grounds for shorter excursions with his mother and father. Then last year he was granted overnight visits within a 50 mile radius of DC. Williamsburg, however, is about 150 miles away, so this is a major step for him.

Well, that's nice. Maybe now he'll have a chance to catch up on all those Jodie Foster movies he's missed over the last 24 years.

Heading For Home

I stumbled across an article about one of my favorite singers (and no, I don't mean Britney Spears; besides, it's not her singing that appeals to me). According to the headline, Meatloaf's popularity is growing!

One of the greatest rock songs--heck, THE greatest rock song--of all time is, of course, Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." It's words incorporate love, lust, cars, interior lighting, the concept of time, commitment, baseball, prayer, and remorse all into one great eight minute 28 second song.

Political Correctness Be Damned...

...this is funny!

---------------From an email

Merry, Er, Holiday Day

There has suddenly been a lot of controversy this year over how to convey one's holiday greetings. Suddenly "Merry Christmas" was out because it might be offensive to Jewish people or Muslims or atheists or followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Then there was a backlash from conservatives against this sudden onslaught of political correctness run amok, who argued it was "Christmas, for crying out loud, and they're called Christmas trees and Christmas presents and Christmas sales and Christmas caroles!" Then they would collapse, gasping for air.

Personally I've always used "happy holidays" myself, but not because I didn't want to offend anyone. It was simply a habit borne of laziness; instead of saying "Merry Christmas and happy New Year" I would say "happy holidays." Why use six words when I could convey the same message with two? That way I could spend more time lounging in my recliner!

But when this "happy holidays" thing erupted into some sort of religious controversy, I was left in a tough spot: Do I keep using "happy holidays," thus conveying the impression that I'm some sort of PC nut? Or do I go back to "Merry Christmas and happy New Year," thereby risking exhaustion from the extra exertion? I suddenly had to do some deep soul searching.

And I learned something important about myself in doing so: My soul is a deep, dark, murky abyss populated by all sorts of strange creatures, some of which can't possibly be the product of evolution. But I also discovered that I'm just plain, well, "ornery." In other words, I get off on always disagreeing with the status quo, whatever it may be. So even if Kerry had won the election, I'd still be bitching about what an idiot the President is, and how much better off we would be if only Bush had won a second term.

Frankly, this scared the holy crap out of me and I immediately stopped my soul searching.

So anyway, in recent days whenever a sales clerk did actually wish me "Merry Christmas," I would respond with "You too, and thanks for saying Christmas." On the other hand, if someone said "happy holidays" I would politely ask, "Oh? Which holidays." Then I would stand there, waiting for an answer and pissing off the 25 people still waiting in line behind me.

I realize this solution isn't much of one, so I plan to use the coming 11 months to come up with a plan.... Something Bush should have done before he invaded--oh, never mind.

Merry holidays to all of you!

Some Yuletide Rockin'

While some people do tend to be a bit garish with their light displays this time of years, occasionally there's one that does succeed in being great. This is a perfect example of one that does.

According to the email that accompanied the link, it was created by an electrician named Carson Williams. The lights on the house and throughout the yard are synchronized to the Trans Siberian Orchestra's "Wizards of Winter." Not only will you need your speakers for this, you'll want to crank them up.

Bright Ideas

Want some great last minute Christmas decorating tips for your home? This is the place to go. In fact, it's safe to say that any of the houses pictured on the site would put Clark Griswold to shame.

A Warm Streak, So To Speak

Considering the long cold snap and occasional ice storms we've had to endure over the last few weeks, today's warm weather was certainly a welcome change. Dulles Airport, for example, hit a high of 56 degrees (13 C). And while some people may have settled for leaving their jackets at home, that just wasn't enough for me. I was so overjoyed by the sudden pleasant weather that I went outside, stripped, and just ran around naked in the warm sun.

It takes a lot to clear out the parking lot of a Wal-Mart two days before Christmas, and I'm quite proud of the accomplishment.

Questionable Personal hygiene

Scientists have discovered a set of rings around Uranus.

Uh, this may be none of my business, but why were you letting the scientists look down there in the first place?

When Dogs Attack

In what can best be described as disturbing news, a new report from the National Hurricane Center has downgraded Hurricane Katrina from a category 4 storm to a category 3. This was done after further analysis of the radar data compiled last August.

Winds in New Orleans--to the west of Katrina's center--would have been even less, probably even as low as category 1. This raises serious questions about the design of the city's levee system, which was supposedly designed to withstand category 3 hurricanes. Even so, some scientists argue that since Katrina was at one point a category 5 storm, the resulting tidal surge would still have been the same.

Meanwhile, New Orleans continues to struggle along in its recovery efforts. Many parts of the city remain largely deserted, and packs of wild dogs can be seen wandering the streets. In one particularly disturbing case, a pack of starving hounds descended upon a helpless alligator. After wearing it down, the killed the exhausted reptile and ate its remains.

A photo was taken during the attack. It is extremely graphic in its depiction of violence, so look upon it only if you dare--and definitely not while you're eating.

---------------From an email

Victory, But For The Wrong Side

Ever since the 9/11 attacks we have been hearing that we should go about our business as usual or the terrorists will win. We should continue to get on airplanes, or the terrorists win. We should continue to spend money, or the terrorists will win. We should continue to get on the subways and buses, or the terrorists will win. And we all agreed that it seemed like a reasonable conclusion.

Now comes word that the President has ordered the National Security Agency to conduct secret spying on Americans. He did this without the approval of Congress, and without a court order. Bush didn't even bother going through the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which is a highly secret panel of 11 judges specifically formed to combat terrorism. It is their job to review requests for phone taps and other surveillance in such matters, thereby keeping everything legal. When this story broke, one member of the panel quit in protest.

Our President didn't see that way, however. He chose to circumvent the courts and Congress. And when his actions became public, Bush didn't deny the accusation, or apologize, or even act chagrined. No, he instead chose to get angry and call the revelations "irresponsible." Surprisingly, many people seem to agree.

My God, is this what our nation has come to? People are willing to flush the Constitution down the toilet? Our country is founded on certain principles, and one is that no single branch of our government becomes too powerful. That's why the courts will sometimes overturn laws passed by Congress, or why Congress will sometimes override presidential vetoes. Each branch of the government thus keeps the other two in check.

But when one branch--indeed, a single individual--takes it upon himself to circumvent the other two, and then justify it on the basis that he--and he alone--knows what's best, we are on an extremely slippery slope.

And the excuse about protecting the American people by reacting quickly to terrorists who change their phone numbers is a load of crap. That is no excuse to go behind the backs of the American people. If there's one thing the commission that investigate the 9/11 attacks found, its that there were ample opportunities to stop Mohammad Atta and his band of twisted cohorts. More importantly, no secret investigations were needed to learn what they were plotting. The problem was that no one bothered to put the multitude of clues together, whether because of shear incompetence or just petty bureaucratic protection of each agency's "turf."

It no longer matters whether we get on airplanes or spend money like crazy, folks. The terrorists have already won.

That's Just Clucking Ridiculous

Maybe I'm being silly, but all the recent talk about bird flu is making me paranoid. In fact I've pretty much convinced myself that I have it. My symptoms include a general feeling of crappiness, sore throat, a hacking cough, nasal congestion, fever, and feathers growing in my nether regions.

Maybe orange juice will help.

A Victory For Science

In what can only be described as a victory for science and the age of reason, a judge in Pennsylvania has ruled against the teaching of intelligent design in Dover county, Pennsylvania. In fact, he went as far as to call the idea of doing so "breathtaking inanity." It should also be noted that the judge is a Republican and a churchgoer.

Judge John E. Jones III then went on to more fully explain the definition of science and why intelligent design does not qualify. For the last 400 years "science has been limited to the search for natural causes to explain natural phenomena," says Jones. "By contrast, intelligent design's views on how the world got to be the way it is offer no testable facts, choosing instead to rely on authoritative statements."

The matter was largely moot, however, since the pro-intelligent design members of the school board were defeated in the November elections. In fact, it was that defeat that prompted noted televangelist and all around wack job Pat Robertson the citizens of Dover that God would soon unleash his wrath upon their community (even though intelligent design supposedly has nothing to do with religion). It has now been 42 days since that election, and so far Dover has not been wiped off the face of the Earth by mudslides, wildfires, floods, locusts, frogs, or volcanic eruptions.

Of course, the judge will end up burning in eternal hell, but that's not my problem.

Xmas Is Now A Four Letter Word

Here's a wonderful little tale that captures the NEW spirit of the season: 'Twas the Night Before a Non-Denominational Holiday

Bill Frist, Humanitarian Extraordinaire

In the past I have made derogatory comments about Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. This was especially true during the Terry Shiavo circus last spring when Frist offered his expert medical opinion based on a videotape of her. Quite frankly, I was wrong to do that. I do not have a medical degree, and thus do not have any expertise to judge whether he was offering an educated diagnosis based on that video, or simply exercising crass political opportunism in an effort to suck up to the Christian right.

I have also made snide remarks regarding Frist's questionable stock sales which seemed to suggest he had illegally obtained inside information.

For all this, I need to publicly apologize. As it turns out, Senator Frist is an extremely generous man of science. In fact, he actually runs an AIDS charity that last year took in $4.4 million in contributions.

Indeed, Frist is such a humanitarian that his charity paid out almost half a million dollars in consulting fees to two companies. The fact that both those firms are run by a longtime fundraiser for Frist is nothing more than a wild coincidence. Oh, and the additional trivial detail that one of the two companies is also jointly run by the wife of a fellow Republican Senator? That's also purely by chance.

Of course, any such charity will also need lawyers, and for that Frist hired the law firm of Jill Holtzman Vogel, who just happens to be married to Alex Vogel, who in turn happens to be Frist's personal attorney.

I guess that whole six degrees of separation thing should really be reduced to, oh, one degree.

Rush Hour On The Rocks

Rush hours in DC are never a lot of fun, but the one this morning was one for the books.

Early this morning, the guys on the all-news radio station were commenting about how DC had dodged a bullet with the weather. They were referring, of course, to the ice storm which left some 500,000 people from Georgia to western Virginia without power. And while things around here did get a little dicey for a while yesterday afternoon, by late evening it seemed the threat of freezing temperatures was gone. And based on the faulty intelligence provided by the weather forecasters, the various highway departments sent their road crews home.

Then shortly after 5:00 A.M. some disturbing reports about icy roads west of DC began to come in. Over the course of the next hour, the sudden freeze overspread over the entire area--just in time for the morning commute. That made for lots of crashes, including a spectacular one in which a FedEx truck took a header off an overpass. Two interstates in the area had to be briefly closed because of the conditions, and a number of other major roads became impassable. School systems were also caught in a bind. Many already had their buses on the road when rapidly deteriorating conditions forced them to delay their start times.

So now the schools are blaming the highway people, the highway people are blaming the forecasters, and the forecasters are blaming Mother Nature. Whatever, but to me the culprit is obvious: President Bush.

I'm not sure how yet, but give me time.

Probe This

NASA is preparing to launch a probe to explore Pluto. Assuming it can liftoff by January 11, the New Horizons spacecraft will take 9 1/2 years to reach its destination. The mission is actually more of a flyby, as it will not have enough fuel to decelerate and go into orbit.

If the mission proves successful, NASA hopes to launch more probes to explore other minor Disney characters.

Just Passing Gas For Now

The Galeras volcano in Colombia is expected to erupt sometime in the next few weeks. The government of that South American country has ordered some 9000 people who live near the mountain to evacuate. Needless to say, many are not heeding that edict.

In particular, the villagers of Genoy, at the base of Galeras, are insisting that they are safe. They claim that they are "friends" with the volcano, and that the Virgin Mary will protect them. It apparently hasn't occurred to these people that perhaps Mary is the one who sent the scientists and government officials to warn the village in the first place.

Anyway, I bring this up only because when the volcano does finally erupt and kills all the people who refused to leave, I plan to mock them. A lot.

So if that's the type of thing that is likely to offend you, well, you may as well get offended now and get it out of your system.

Pass The Bananas

I saw King Kong today, and it can pretty well be summed up in one word: WOW!!!!! Beyond that, all I can say is that any movie featuring a giant computer generated ape that makes you cry at the end is more than worth the price of admission. Hell, by the time it was over, I ended up not even caring about the damn Toyota Scion ad during the previews.

Coincidentally, Saddam also saw Kong today. He's written a more extensive review on it if you'd like to check it out.

Arnold: Guilty Of Upholding The Laws Of The State Of California

The European Union has now condemned Arnold Schwarzenegger's decision to allow the execution of Tookie Williams. In fact, they're calling the entire idea of capital punishment "barbaric."

Well, that's nice. But just out of curiosity, do they also consider the murders of four innocent people barbaric? Or how about the creation of a street gang which, in its almost 30 years of existence, has caused hundreds of deaths?

Austria's Green Party has gone as far as to demand that Schwarzenegger be stripped of his citizenship. Oh, so now Austria wants to lecture us about what is and is not barbaric? Just out of curiosity, how many Jews did Austria allow to die in the gas chambers? And please don't blame Hitler for that. I'm sure if the man hadn't killed himself, he would have gone on to write children's books, and then all would have been forgiven.

Even the Vatican has weighed in, with a spokesman saying that the death penalty flies in the face of "redemption and human dignity." Uh, before the church begins lecturing ANYONE on justice, perhaps they should look closely at themselves and their decades-long history of quietly reassigning hundreds of known child molesters to new parishes.

Justice

Well, barring any unforeseen developments, Stanley Tookie Williams will be executed by the state of California in a few hours. His last best hope was clemency by Governor Schwarzenegger, and he basically told Williams' attorneys to take a hike earlier today.

I have no problem with capital punishment provided there are no doubts about the guilt of the individual. And in the case of Williams, there are no doubts. He killed four people during a series of holdups in 1979. Oh, and Williams is credited as being the founder of the Crips street gang.... Well, at least he accomplished something during his life.

For some reason this particular case has garnered a lot of publicity. At one point he was even nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, though lord knows why. A number of celebrities have also called on Schwarzenegger to show mercy on Williams. Hmmm.... I wonder if Williams showed mercy on his victims before he shot them.? Maybe someone should call the victims and ask them: Yen-I Yang, Tsai-Shai Chen Yang, Yu-Chin Yang Lin, and Albert Owens.

Oops, wait, they're dead. Never mind.

These Hollywood types have also argued that Williams' life should be spared because he is a changed man, and to prove it, they point out that he has written children's books.

Well, that's certainly sweet.... In fact, if I ever have kids, I'll be sure to run out and buy as many children's books by convicted multiple killers as I possibly can!

What does bother me about the Williams case is that people like Jamie Foxx, Snoop Dog, and Mike Farrell spoke out in support of the killer. Why? If you're going to be opposed to the death penalty and use your celebrity status to speak out on behalf of a killer, fine. But then you had damn well better be prepared to fly all over the country and speak out on behalf convicted death row inmates every single time. Why should a man like Williams get all your attention?

In fact, Joseph Smith was recently sentenced to death for the rape and murder of 11 year old Carlie Brucia in Florida. That's the case where the little girl's abduction by Smith was caught by a security camera outside a car wash.

Perhaps Farrell, Snoop, and Foxx should hurry up and nominate Smith for a Nobel Prize.

Stop Your Wining

While we've known for some time now that Hurricane Katrina caused over 1300 deaths and approximately $100 billion in damage, the true tragedy of this catastrophic storm is only now coming to light.

For example, one of the premier wine collections in the world was ruined when the power went out and stayed out for several weeks. The loss of power exposed the bottles to temperatures as high as 120 degrees Fahrenheit (almost 49 Celsius), which is apparently bad for fine wines. Personally, I've left my Mad Dog 20/20 in the car while parked in the summer sun on several occasions, and I've never noticed any ill effects, aside from waking up somewhere and not having a clue as to how I got there.

Anyway, the wine cellar at Brennan's Restaurant has repeatedly won awards for being one of the finest in the world. The collection was insured for $1,000,000, and is now considered a total loss.

I'm Rich!

Great news!!! I've been offered a $4.5 million grant by the The Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund!! I have no idea why they've done this, what the heck I'm supposed to do with it, or how they even heard of me, but those minor details are certainly not going to stop me from giving them my bank account information.

Make A Right At The Third Spiral Arm

Astronomers have long been able to perform complex calculations to determine the distances to various distant galaxies. And thanks to the Hubble Space Telescope, they have been able to provide us with spectacular images of worlds far beyond our own. They have even found evidence of planets around stars distant from our own humble little Earth. But one thing they have NOT been able to do is accurately measure distances in our own Milky Way galaxy.... Until now.

Man, that must've been one hell of a tape measure!

R.I.P.

Alas, our old blustery friend Epsilon is no more. It fell victim to wind shear and was reduced to a mere mass of clouds earlier today. The storm met its demise at sea without ever having known the joy of ripping people's lives to shreds. What a shame....

Still, Eppy did accomplish something memorable by becoming the longest-lived December hurricane on record. That's certainly something to be proud of.

Preparedness? That's For The Boy Scouts

According to a new report by the former 9/11 commission, not only is the United States still vulnerable to a major terrorist attack, but the government has failed to implement many of the reforms recommended by the commission earlier.

Well, this shouldn't surprise anyone. It took federal officials a week to react to Hurricane Katrina, and that's for a disaster that was accurately forecast for two days before it happened. It's terrifying to think what the government's non-response would be for a catastrophe that came as an actual surprise.

Some People Just Don't Get It

If you're one of those people who likes seeing commercials after you just finished paying nine bucks to see a movie in a theater, there's good news for you: Even more ads are coming! Spending by advertisers on those ads rose by 18% this year, and will likely continue to go up by 15% every year through 2008. With digital technology working its way into projection booths, it's becoming easier for agencies to insert ads or switch them out depending on a particular film's anticipated audience.

Theater owners, of course, view this as welcome news. Box office receipts so far this year are off by six per cent, so the additional source of revenue is welcome.

However, these same theater owners are apparently oblivious to the fact that many moviegoers resent shelling out big bucks for tickets and refreshments, only to be subjected to freaking commercials!!! Heck, if we're going to be forced to sit there and watch a cheesy ad for the latest Chevrolet, well, then we may as well just stay home and see it for free on TV!

It's no wonder that more people are deciding to wait for the DVD's to come out.

Blow Me

I received the below picture in my email with absolutely no explanation as to what's going on. But to be honest, I don't think I want to know what's going on! I will say, however, that I find the image quite disturbing. I would never treat my blow-up doll collection so carelessly.

---------------From an email

Prayer For Epsilon

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that we're all very proud of Hurricane Epsilon and how he's (she's?) hanging in there with his (her?) 75 mph winds. Scientists for the last several days have been predicting that the storm would weaken, break up, or get sucked up into another weather system. So far none of that has happened, and the people who get paid to know how this stuff works are stumped by Epsilon's persistence.

So far he (she?) has stayed safely out at sea. But with a little bit of luck, Epsilon can hang in there long enough to hit land, cause major flooding, lead to lots of landslides, and wipe out several dozen Guatemalan villages.

Er, nothing personal against Guatemala, of course. It's just that if you're a hurricane and spend your entire existence out at sea without causing death, mayhem, and millions of dollars of damage, well, your life will have pretty much been wasted.

"Tnx" For Nothing

Shortly after the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, accusations began to fly as to who dropped the ball. Was it the Feds who neglected to recognize the danger, or was it the local officials who failed to properly convey their needs? The White House defended itself by saying that it did not know how bad the situation was (apparently they don't have access to CNN at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue), and that no one from Louisiana had formally requested federal aid.

Hmmm....

Well, as part of the investigation into what went wrong, Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco's office has turned over thousands of pages of documents to Congress. Included among them was one she sent to Bush the day BEFORE Katrina hit:

"I have determined that this incident will be of such severity and magnitude that effective response will be beyond the capabilities of the state and the affected local governments and that supplementary federal assistance will be necessary,"

Three days after the storm hit, Blanco again wrote the White House to ask that the 256th Louisiana National Guard Brigade be sent home from Iraq. She also asked for more generators, medicine, and health care workers.

Five days after that a Bush aid emailed the Blanco's office to say they had not received the letter. They were, however, aware of the request:

"We found it on the governor's Web site but we need 'an original,' for our staff secretary to formally process the requests she is making. We are on the job but appreciate your help with a technical request. Tnx!"

So there you have it: While thousands of people were still trapped on their roofs, or dying in their attics, or reduced to savagery at the Superdome, or pushing dead bodies out of the way as they waded through chest-high floodwaters, or baking for days straight on highway overpasses with no shelter; and while the world was marveling at images coming out of the world's most powerful nation that looked like scenes from some poverty-stricken third world country, there were bureaucrats arguing about fucking paperwork.

And people wonder why I'm in favor of capital punishment.

O Tannenbaum

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Lugosi, or whatever your real name is, do you put up a Christmas tree?

And I say, "Yes, of course I do. Every year during the first week of December."

"Oh, that's nice," they reply. "Is it a real tree, or an artificial one?"

"Neither," I say. "It's a GIF."

So then the nosy SOB's will give me a puzzled look and ask, "A what?"

Then I roll my eyes, and with a condescending tone usually reserved for dealing with five year olds I reply, "A GIF, you moronic, oversized five year old. It's on my website." Then I give them a spritz of pepper spray and say, "Do I even know you? Why do you keep following me around? Get the hell away from me before I call the cops!"

Merry Christmas!!

Britney Who?

I only now found out that yesterday was Britney Spears' birthday. Thanks to Rhianna for leaving that bit of news on my tagboard. However, she seems to be under the impression that I'm still obsessed with Ms. Spears, and nothing could be further from the truth.

First of all, "obsessed" is much too strong a word. An "excessively healthy fascination" might be a better term. But even so, that was then, and this is now. Britney is married, and I respect the sanctity of that sacred institution.... Especially when I'm afraid her husband could beat the living crap out of me. Besides--how shall I put this delicately--she's "used goods" now. It would be like buying a car with over 100,000 miles on the odometer. I prefer my merchandise to be fresh, and preferably still factory sealed.

No, Britney is old news, and I would no longer do anything stupid to prove my love for her.

On the other hand, Mandy Moore is still single....

Invaded

In what can only be described as a major promotion, Tropical Storm Epsilon has been upgraded to full hurricane status. That makes it the 14th such storm of the year, and sets a new record for the North Atlantic. "Big E" is also only the fifth December hurricane recorded in 120 years.

Speaking of hurricanes, who else has been watching "Invasion?" Forget Hurley's lottery numbers on "Lost." That's old news, and my limited attention span has already relegated that show to my mental archives. It's "Invasion" and its mysterious lights in the water that has me hooked now. I will say this to anyone who happened to catch this past Wednesday's episode: No amount of cajoling and convincing will ever persuade me to deliberately cut off my arm with a chainsaw.

Well, unless Britney asks me to....

Quick Civics Lesson

While somewhat amusing, this cartoon is wrong. There are currently FOUR branches of government:

1) Executive (The President)
2) Legislative (Congress)
3) Judiciary (The Courts)
4) Pat Robertson (Interprets God)

Well, There's Always Next Year

I don't mean to get all nostalgic and weepy on you, but today was the last day of the 2005 hurricane season. Speaking for myself, I'm going to miss it.

The question that remains, however, is what happens if another tropical storm/hurricane does pop up in December? If it meets all the criteria, will it still get a name? And if so, what the hell comes after epsilon? Are there any Greeks out there? Is the United States still on speaking terms with the government of Greece? I mean, we've already pissed off 3/4 of the world's nations, but I can't remember if Greece was "with us or against us." So if another hurricane or tropical storm forms, and no one knows what to call it, I guess we can blame Bush.

According to this site, only 97% of such storms occur during the June 1-December 1 "hurricane season." However, it doesn't answer the question of whether an out of season storm would still get named.

Hmmmm.... Maybe it's time to get the lawyers involved.

Molecules Are A Many Splendored Thing

Italian scientists have discovered a molecule that apparently gives people that euphoric, giddy sensation that goes with being madly in love. However, the molecule only lasts about a year before it begins to break down.

Or, in my case, until I sober up and get the hell out of her apartment.

Hip Hip Hooray!

We did it!! We now officially have Tropical Storm Epsilon!! The season's 26th named storm is safely out in the Atlantic and not expected to pose a threat to land.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm handing out cigars to celebrate.

The Diaper Industry Was Probably Behind The School Board's Decision

Administrators at a Tennessee high school have seized all 1800 copies of the student newspaper after it published an article on birth control. The editors of the paper included such details as the success rate of various methods, as well as information on where to obtain contraceptives. Needless to say, some people are up in arms over the first amendment issues raised by this incident.

But if you step back and view this case neutrally, it's obvious the school acted responsibly. After all, America has been increasingly plagued by shortages of unwed teen mothers, and banning such knowledge from kids is an absolutely brilliant way to increase the supply.

CSI: Global Warming

So let me get this straight: The Bush Administration can readily see non-existent weapons of mass destruction, but they can't evidence of global warming when it's staring them right in the face?

Exhibit One: Tropical storm Delta continues to swirl out in the North Atlantic. Delta is the 25th tropical storm/hurricane of the season, shattering the previous record of 21 which had stood since 1933.

But beyond the number of storms is the more important issue of their strength. Sure, major hurricanes periodically hit the United States or central America. There was Camille in 1969, Hugo in 1989, and Andrew in 1992. About ten years ago when such storms began developing more regularly with Opal in 1995 and Fran a year later (Retired hurricane names).

But it wasn't until last year that things seemingly crazy with Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne all hitting Florida. Still, many people dismissed 2004 as a fluke.... Until 2005 rolled around. Does anyone need a reminder of the names Katrina, Rita, and Wilma? While "storm scientists" used to think that periods of intense hurricanes came in cycles, a new concern is beginning to emerge: That Global warming is making itself felt.

Exhibit Two: Scientists in Antarctica, apparently bored and looking for something to do, found a really big drill and decided, what the hell, let's drill up some ice. Afterwards they decided to analyze their samples and discovered that Earth's current carbon dioxide levels are the highest they've been at any time in the last 650,000 years. They reached this conclusion by analyzing air bubbles found in the core samples.

Afterwards they chopped up the ice into little cubes and had cocktails.

Exhibit three: There is increasing evidence that the permafrost in Alaska is melting faster, and this is creating problems of its own. As the ice further down in the soil melts, trees on the surface become unstable and tilt. In some cases entire villages have had to be relocated because the buildings began to sink into the muck. Satellite imagery has also shown Arctic sea ice to be shrinking at an alarming level.

Hey Ma! Look What We Found!

In what can only be described as a major victory in the War on Terror, alert Japanese authorities have found and defused a 500 pound explosive before it had a chance to go off. Several thousand people were evacuated from a residential neighborhood as a precaution while the device was rendered harmless.

What is shocking about this story is who planted the bomb: The American military!

Oh, I should probably mention, though it's not important, that the unexploded bomb was left over from World War II.

Any Bets On Whether We Make It To Epsilon?

And we now have a tropical storm Delta. It's way out in the Atlantic and no threat to land, but at least we're now up to the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet.

Ah, To Be A Kid Again....

Debra Lafave, a 25 year old teacher in Florida, has pleaded guilty to a charge of having sex with a 14 year boy. These outrageous acts on her part allegedly happened in her classroom, a car, and her townhouse. In return for the guilty plea, Ms. Lafave will avoid jail time. She will, however, have to serve three years of house arrest followed by seven years of probation.

No word on how the poor 14 year old victim is handling this traumatic experience, but if it were me, I'd be high-fiving my buddies.

A New Level Of Idiocy

Every now and then some politician will say something so incredibly stupid that it absolutely defies the imagination. The following statement (See last paragraph of link) by Louie Gohmert, a Republican congressman from Texas, certainly fits the bill:

"You'll have a parent or two here, as you know, whose tragic grief from the tragic loss of a loved one, of a child, causes their mental thinking to be a little destabilized. That's understandable."

I don't consider myself an overly religious person. But I have to admit that lately I have been undergoing a spiritual awakening as I increasingly turn to prayer. Indeed, when I heard about the above quote, I immediately fell to my knees and prayed. I prayed that next year the American people will finally come to their senses and vote the morons currently in Congress out of power.

Yes, our military is an all-volunteer force, and yes, when soldiers enlist they should be prepared to die for their country. But our leaders also have a grave responsibility not to send these men and women into harm's way unless absolutely necessary. For a congressman to make such a callous and cavalier remark demonstrates that he is not worthy of that responsibility.

Let's hope Louie Gohmert can eventually wash the blood off his hands.

Misplaced Priorities

President Bush has just wrapped up his visit to China and has urged the government of that country to increase religious freedom.

To heck with China. How about more religious freedom here in America?!?!?

Terror From The Skies

Fears about the bird flu jumping to humans have been growing as the current form of the virus continues to spread from country to country. It started in China last winter, soon spread throughout southeastern Asia, and recently began showing up in European countries. Scientists suspect that the bug is being spread by migrating birds.

In a terrifying new development, it appears that the virus has now claimed its first victim in North America.

Vindictive Little SOB's, Aren't They?

My favorite rock artist of all time (besides Britney Spears, of course) is Bruce Springsteen. I have most of The Boss' CD's, and I even signed up again with Sirius satellite radio after I learned they had added an all-Springsteen channel. Yes, he's written some crap, but who hasn't (besides Britney, of course). On the other hand, some of his songs are pretty much immortal. "Born to Run" is one that immediately comes to mind, but "Jungleland," "Wreck on the Highway," "Racing in the Street," and "Thunder Road" would be on that list as well.

New Jersey's two Senators--both Democrats--recently introduced a resolution honoring Springsteen. It's the type of mostly meaningless honor that Congress passes all the time, usually by unanimous acclimation.... Except this time.

The Senate's Republican leaders refused to even bring up the bill for a vote. No explanation was given, but many suspect it is in retaliation for the fact that Springsteen campaigned on behalf of John Kerry last year.

So much for freedom of speech.

After All, Didn't God Also Create Darwin?

I'm not usually a big fan of columnist Charles Krauthammer. He is a staunch defender of Bush and the war in Iraq. In fact, sometimes I fantasize about sneaking up behind him and dumping him out of his wheelchair.

However, he has written an excellent piece defending the theory of evolution and says the current fight over intelligent design is "so anachronistic and retrograde as to be a national embarrassment." Krauthammer then goes on to suggest that there is room for science and theology to peacefully co-exist.

Almost makes me feel guilty about that wheelchair thing.

Alpha, Beta.... What Comes After Beta?

Wonderful news! Tropical Storm Gamma has now officially formed off the coast of Honduras. It is the 24th named storm of the record setting 2005 season. Speaking for myself, I'm just tickled pink! This article on Yahoo suggests Gamma may head towards Florida by the end of next week, but one of the weather guys at Wunderground thinks it will get sucked up by a cold front. Guess only time will tell what the future holds for Gamma.

Well, if nothing else, at least we're all getting an opportunity to learn the Greek alphabet this year.

But At Least We'll Die Healthy

Scientists say that increasing one's consumption of beans can lead to an increase in the levels of so-called "good cholesterol," thus lowering the risk of developing heart disease.

On the other hand, it will also increase the level of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, killing off all of humanity.

How Come It Suddenly Feels Like November Out There?

We had been basking in spring-like weather for the last few weeks. Consequently, it came as quite a shock this morning when I walked outside and Jack Frost immediately began nipping at my nose. So I grabbed my baseball bat and beat the perverted SOB to a bloody pulp.

Then when I finally got to the car, I unlocked the door, pulled on the handle, and.... Nothing happened. The door was frozen solid! It had rained like hell the night before, and when the temps dropped below freezing, everything iced up. So I decided the easiest thing to do would be to quit my job and go back to bed.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start drinking and wearing the same underwear for a week at a time.



P.S.
And yes, it's all Bush's fault.

Maybe She Had To Pay For Those Roaming Minutes

Candice Martinez, 19, has been arrested in the infamous case of the Cell Phone Bandit. She would enter a bank, wait in line for the next available teller, hand the teller a note demanding money, and then leave with several thousand dollars. What made this unusual was that she would be on a cell phone the entire time, sometimes not even pausing in her phone conversation long enough to greet the teller. Turns out the person on the other end of the line was her boyfriend, who would wait out in the car and keep an eye out for the police.

Well, thank God she is now off the streets. Martinez deserves to go away to jail for a very long time. There are entirely too people many out there who get so wrapped in their cell phones that they rudely ignore those around them. Whether it's in restaurants, at the movies, or even in the library, people just yak away oblivious to the world. It would have been a damn shame if bank robberies had ended up being added to the list of inappropriate situations to have cell phone conversations.

It's good to see justice served for once.

>

Some Things Never Change

President Bush has left for a weeklong trip to Asia. His first stop will be in Japan, followed by visits to South Korea, China, and Mongolia.

What? He's STILL avoiding going to Vietnam!?!?!

Here Comes Another Thunderbolt

A strong earthquake measuring 6.9 on the Richter scale has struck off the coast of northern Japan. No immediate word on casualties or damage.

One can only speculate that this tremor was actually intended as divine retribution for the people of Dover, Pennsylvania for voting the intelligent design people out of office, but God missed.

Dorothy & Toto Were Probably Darwinists, Too

Several tornados struck central Iowa late yesterday, leaving widespread destruction in their wake. At the Iowa State-Colorado football game, fans were forced to flee the stadium and take shelter in a basketball arena. Meteorologists blame the volatile weather on a series of severe thunderstorms accompanying cold air masses trying to mix with warm air masses. That, of course, is based on solid science, which means it's a bunch of hooey.

I haven't consulted with Pat Robertson yet--today is Sunday, and he has a regularly scheduled breakfast meeting with God--but it's safe to assume that many of these people are believers in evolution, and the bad weather was the lord's way of telling them to accept intelligent design.

Oops--Is That A Thunderbolt Crashing Through My Ceiling?

In a story I missed a couple of days ago (but thanks to Solar for trying to bring it to my attention) the Dover, Pennsylvania school board that last year approved the teaching of intelligent design was voted out of office. This was on Tuesday, ironically the same day that Kansas was revving up its own time machine to return us to the dark ages.

Now loudmouth televangelist Pat Robertson--who a few months ago called for the assassination of Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez--is warning the residents of Dover that God will soon unleash his wrath upon them because they have rejected his word.

Wait, I'm confused.... Haven't intelligent design proponents been telling us that their "theory" is not religious in nature? If that's the case, then why do we have a well-known religious leader invoking the wrath of God over the matter?

In the comments to my Nov. 8 post about the 15th century, someone wrote:

"Well, It's simply a matter of theory. Should the theories of evolution be promoted ahead of the theories of creation? Both are unnatural and both are unproven from the perspective of science."

This prompted some additional feedback from Nate, who brought up a good point about the theory of evolution: In science, a theory is much more than just a guess. It's basically one step below being a law. And as another commentator put it, gravity may be just a theory also, but he's not about to stand under a falling boulder.

There's not much more that I can add to that, except to re-emphasize Nate's point: In science, a "theory" is one step below being a law. So is the theory of evolution proven? Well, perhaps not to the extent that the laws of thermodynamics have been proven, but it's damn close. To dismiss evolution as "unnatural" and "unproven from the perspective of science" is indicative of a mind-boggling level of ignorance.

The theory of evolution is also supported by everything we know about continental drift, dinosaurs, biochemistry, asteroid impacts and how they triggered mass extinctions, genetics, and the fossil record. And more recently, a group of scientists constructed a mathematical analysis predicting the number of harmful mutations in the genetic code of chimpanzees. The results supported evolution, and demonstrated how a small group of cells 3.5 billion years ago could give rise to the biodiversity we see around us today.

On the other hand, the best argument that intelligent design proponents can come up with is that the lifeforms on Earth are just too darn complicated to be random. Well, I think trigonometry is complicated and completely beyond my comprehension. But I'm also willing to accept the fact that trigonometry is probably not the result of a divine miracle.

To be honest, I personally believe in neither evolution nor intelligent design. They're BOTH a load of crap. I firmly believe that the world--indeed, the universe as a whole--was created by the flying spaghetti monster.

Keeping It In Perspective

A lot has been made of the $9.9 billion profit Exxon reported for the third quarter of 2005. That certainly seems like an outrageous amount, and someone has to be held responsible for it.

Exxon is the largest corporation in the world in terms of revenue. In that same three months it took in a total of $100 billion. Translation: Their profit for every dollar of revenue was less than a dime. By comparison, Citigroup Inc. (a financial services company) made 15.7 cents on the dollar last year. Altria Group, which manufactures Marlboro cigarettes, made 22 cents for every dollar it took in. And pharmaceutical giant Merck's profit was over 25 cents on the dollar.

Even more stunning: In 2004 Exxon was ranked number 157 on the Fortune 500's list of the most profitable companies.

Exxon has the world's consumers by the doo-dads, and the best it can do is #157?!?!?

Yes, that $9.8 billion is an outrage: Outrageously low! Someone should be fired for it.

Venus

The European Space Agency has launched a probe to study Venus. It is expected to arrive at our planetary neighbor next spring. Venus fascinates scientists because in many ways it is identical to Earth. It is roughly the same size as our planet, has similar gravity, and is composed of many of the same raw materials. Yet for reasons that are not entirely understood, Venus is a victim of a runaway greenhouse effect with an atmosphere composed of mostly carbon dioxide and an average temperature of 869 degrees Fahrenheit (465 Celsius).

In other words, kind of what like Earth will be like in another 25 years.

Call A Plumber

For the last week, we had been told that the governor's race here in Virginia was too close to call. In the end, however, Democrat Tim Kaine pulled out a comfortable 52%-46%n win over Republican Jerry Kilgore (independent Russ Potts took 2% of the vote). Analysts are giving much of the credit for Kaine's triumph to incumbent Mark Warner, who campaigned heavily on his fellow Democrat's behalf. Warner is leaving office with tremendous popularity, and this win is a major boost to his stature and likely presidential bid in 2008.

52%? Hmmm.... It seems Kaine's mandate is twice as big as Bush's!

On the other hand, the win by a Democrat in Virginia is potentially very bad news for Republicans nationwide. The entire House of Representatives is up for re-election next year, and the party's majority may be in jeopardy. Virginia is a heavily Republican state (it's been won by the Republican candidate in every presidential election since 1968). With Bush's popularity continuing to take a beating, it is becoming increasingly apparent that he is beginning to drag down the entire party.

In fact, the President returned early from his South America trip just so he could make a appearance on Kilgore's behalf. But this was intended as more than just a campaign appearance; it was also a gamble by Bush to reverse his slide down the toilet. Had Kilgore pulled out a win, Bush could have claimed credit and finally brought some good news to his beleaguered presidency.

But it was not to be, and the water in Bush's toilet continues to swirl faster and faster.

Welcome To The 15th Century

Well, congratulations to the Kansas School Board, which earlier today voted 6-4 to allow the teaching of "intelligent design" in its schools. What's more, "the board rewrote the definition of science, so that it is no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena." What the hell does that mean? Will students now begin their school day with a prayer and a reading of their horoscopes?

Why stop with evolution? Let's just go back to teaching that the Earth is flat and that the sun revolves around us. And we need to stop teaching that nonsense about germs. Everyone knows that illnesses are caused by evil spirits.

Oh, and thunder? That's just God bowling.

Vote Early And Vote Often

Virginia is one of two states electing a new governor today, and I carried out my constitutional responsibilities by voting. Needless to say, I voted for the entire Democrat ticket.

I did so for several reasons: First off, I'm still bitter about what the Republicans did during the Terry Schiavo circus last spring. The entire party should be ashamed of themselves for getting involved in what should have remained a private affair. But that is to be expected when a formerly great political party is hijacked by religious zealots hellbent on turning this nation into some sort of theocracy based on their interpretation of the Bible.

The second reason can be summed up in one word: Bush.

Third and most important are the candidates for governor themselves. Democrat Tim Kaine is eloquent and well-spoken and not someone I would be ashamed to have as the leader of my state. Republican Jerry Kilgore, on the other hand, comes from southwest Virginia and has the accent to prove it. Whenever he speaks, I can't help but think of the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't know what his educational background is, nor do I care. He could be Harvard educated and I still wouldn't have voted for him because of that accent. In fact, my greatest fear is that if Virginia suffers some sort of calamity--a category 5 hurricane, a major terrorist strike, an earthquake, a volcanic eruption, an asteroid impact, a nuclear power plant meltdown--that kills thousands of people, Jerry Kilgore would be the one appearing on worldwide TV before billions of viewers. And I don't want four billion people getting their first impression of Virginia from someone who sounds like Jethro.

As for the important issues which will ultimately decide this race.... Well, I have no idea what they are.

Hurry Up! We Gotta Pee!

In a terrifying turn of events that has left residents of Tampa, Florida stunned, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested for having sex in a bathroom stall.

I know, I know. How many of us can honestly say we haven't done the same thing? More than once? A week?

What makes this particular case of stall sex unusual, however, is that the two cheerleaders were having the sex with each other.

I know, I know. I wish I had been there with a video camera, too.

The police were called by outraged bar patrons, which certainly seems understandable.... Except that they weren't angered by the lesbian sex itself. No, they couldn't have cared less about that. What pissed off the people in the bar was that the two women were hogging the bathroom!

Unfortunately, the only images we have of the women are the above mugshots. But if Angela's breasts are proportionally as large as her nose, I'd like to meet her!

A Test Of Your Moral Fiber

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. It features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will be forced to make a life or death decision. It is imperative for your response to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is not only beyond desperate, but very nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos to chronicle the death and destruction. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of her destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, furiously struggling to not be swept away with the debris. You decide to move closer...

Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! It quickly becomes obvious that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options: You can either save the life of G.W.Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

---From an email; original author unknown

Venison, Anyone?

In what can only be described as an outrageous display of police brutality, officers in Montgomery County, Maryland shot and killed an unarmed deer yesterday.

The hapless animal had been window shopping at a local shopping center, checking out the new fall antler wear, when he decided to stop by a grocery store. Okay, so he did so by smashing through the plate glass window, but he's a deer. Deer don't do doors.

The narrow-minded store manager immediately engaged in wildlife profiling and--rather than offering to help the animal locate the salt lick aisle--called 9-1-1 to report the alleged "intruder." Shoppers, store employees, and assorted other bigots immediately corned the poor fellow as he headed towards the pharmacy. After all, it is fall mating season, and that's where the Viagra is.

Before the horny adult buck could pull out his discount drug card, however, police officers arrived and shot him. They claim they did so because the animal was injured and bleeding profusely.

Great. The next time I get a paper cut, rest assured I'm not asking a cop for a band-aid.

In a similar incident but one with a happier ending, another deer wandered into a ritzy Ralph Lauren store in the Georgetown area of DC last week. Employees locked the young cross dressing buck in a fitting room until the authorities showed up. He was tranquilized by animal control officers and carried outside as a mob chanted "Free Bambi!" The buck was later released in Rock Creek Park.

Then there's the disturbing tale out of Arkansas where a man killed a deer with his bare hands. The animal had smashed through a window and was loose in the master bedroom.... Or at least that's the story the guy's wife came up with. After cornering the defenseless animal, who hadn't even had a chance to put its pants back on, Wayne Goldsberry wrestled with it and finally broke its neck. Afterwards he had the meat processed, and the deer is now residing in Mr. Goldsberry's freezer.

Hmmm.... Perhaps we should apply that brand of justice to human intruders as well. It would likely cut down on burglaries.

Bush's New Mandate

According to a new poll, 60% of Americans disapprove of President Bush's job performance, 58% have doubts aabout his honesty, and 67% give his administration a negative rating on ethics.

Hmmm.... Now THAT'S a mandate!!!

What's Important

Democratic senators yesterday forced an extraordinary closed session of the chamber. The galleries were cleared of spectators, and even security personnel and staffers without security clearance were barred. Their goal was to demand that Senate Republicans agree to hold hearings to look into whether the nation was misled when we went to war with Iraq. The Democrats' bold move was apparently prompted by Lewis Libby's indictment last week. Libby, along with Cheney, was one of the principle architects of the invasion, and the charges seem to indicate that something is being covered up.

The Democrats need to leave Bush alone and let him return to his job of protecting the American people from danger.... Provided the danger isn't from a hurricane, in which case it's every man, woman and child for him or herself.

So what if the Bush Administration misled the country into the war, and intentionally lied about Hussein's ties to Al Qaeda? Is it really that big a deal if the weapons of mass destruction story was fabricated? Who cares if over 2000 American soldiers have died while thousands more have lost limbs or suffered lifelong injuries in an unnecessary war? Does it really matter that as many as 100,000 innocent Iraqi civilians have died because we blundered into our way into this conflict? Is it necessarily a bad thing if our actions have brought Iraq to the brink of civil war while the entire mideast has become even more unstable? And is it really all that important that President Bush squandered all that international good will we had immediately after 9/11, and that since then more people in the world than ever have come to hate the United States?

I think not.

What IS important is that this President is NOT getting blowjobs from an intern.

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

In a speech later today at the National Institutes for Health, President Bush is expected to unveil his administration's response to any outbreak of "superflu." It is expected to modeled after his response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

In other words, half of us will be dead by the time anyone lifts a finger.