----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press
President Bush has announced an ambitious new program to return a man to the moon, starting with former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill regardless of "whether he wants to go or not. And with the inevitable technological advances that will occur as the project advances, we may even eventually return the backstabbing son of a bitch to the Earth." Then further down the road--possibly 2030 or beyond--Bush wants America to put a man on Mars to "search for evidence of life and possible weapons of mass destruction."
In the present, however, there is already plenty of action on the red planet. The Spirit rover finally rolled onto Martian soil, thereby becoming the first SUV to actually be driven off-road. It will now spend the next three months riding around, poking at rocks, and transmitting dramatic pictures of: Dirt.
While the expansion of our intellectual and scientific knowledge is all fine and dandy, the fact is that we are missing the true potential of our planetary neighbor: It can cure the obesity epidemic currently plaguing America!
One important thing we already know about Mars is that it's gravitational field is 1/3 of Earth's. Hence, a 150 pound earthbound human would only weigh 50 lbs on the red planet. Even more importantly, a 390 lb. walking tub of lard would only be a svelte 130 lb. adult there! And he would be able to eat super-sized double beef Whopper with cheese value meals all day long and not have to worry about being to heavy for the recliner.
Of course, more powerful rockets would have to be developed to handle the increased payloads, but the savings in healthcare costs would more than offset the additional investment.
----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star