If You Pick It, It Will Never Heal
Before I forget, here's my Super Bowl pick: The Carolina Panthers. And no, I don't do point spreads. After all, a win is a win is a win, which is something Howard Dean won't be doing any time soon.

My reason for picking Carolina is quite simple, actually: Running back Stephen Davis.

Davis is a former Washington Redskin who was let go by the team because he didn't fit into then coach Steve Spurrier's plans for ruining the team. And a few years prior to that, Washington let QB Brad Johnson slip away, and he eventually led Tampa Bay to a Super Bowl victory.

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No, Not That Kind of Movie for Grown Ups
The AARP has selected "Mystic River" as its 2003 winner of The Best Movies for Grownups Award. Selected as best actor and actress were Bill Murray ("Lost in Translation") and Diane Keaton ("Something's Got to Give").

Coming in second place for best picture was "Dude, Where's My Walker?"

Oopsies!

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Hey Baby. Wanna See My Candy Cane?
A judge has ordered music producer R. Kelly, who is facing charges of child pornography, to avoid all contact with Michael Jackson. The judge issued the order as a precaution, since Kelly will be attending the Grammy awards. And while Jackson has not indicated he will go, there is still the possibility he may show up.

This is a wise move by the courts. You certainly wouldn't want these two sharing child molestation tips!

Don't I Know You?
Is it just me, or does James Brown look an awful lot like Saddam Hussein with a really good tan?

----------USAToday

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Went to the Fights & a Hockey game Broke Out
No doubt many wusses will be appalled by this, but I have to admire Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis. He endured numerous taunts and jeers from a fan a few nights ago during the Philadelphia game. Afterwards, the loudmouth went by the owners box to continue his antics. Leonsis, however, had had enough and proceeded to kick 20 year old Jason Hammer's ass.

In contrast, the best that pipsqueak Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, could hope to do is maybe bite someone on the ankle.

Tit for Tat
Every now and then a story comes along that puts our world's seemingly insurmountable problems--poverty, homlessness, record deficits, misplaced weapons of mass destruction--seem petty by comparison. For example, who can worry about starving kids in Bengladesh when Jordan's 34FF breasts are in danger of exploding?

For the uninitiated, Jordan is a rather well endowed (yes, I honestly believe they're real) British model. She recently departed for an Australian rain forest to participate in the filming of the latest I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here! Some doctors are concerned that if leeches should attach themselves to her breasts, they may become inflamed and explode!

Her breasts, I mean. Not the leeches.

Perhaps I should volunteer to go along and provide any necessary first aid.

Odds & Ends
Sorry I haven't posted much today, but I just spent the last five hours deleting the 5,947 emails I received courtesy of the MyDoom worm....

The Winter That Won't End has delivered a pretty good hit on much of the nation. Here in DC we got about six inches of snow Sunday night, followed by about a day and a half of freezing drizzle. Then for good measure, we wrapped it all up with another inch or two of snow earlier this evening. Still, compared to some other areas effected by this same storm, we got off easy.

One thing you can count on when the weather turns treacherous like this is morons getting behind the wheel and driving at 60 mph. Then they look absolutely bewildered when they end up upside down in the median strip.

Yesterday morning I watched a guy in a Honda almost rear end a car. He came down a hill towards traffic stopped at a red light. In keeping with the Idiots Code of Honor, Mr. Honda waited till the last possible to step on his brakes. Unable to stop on his own, he ends up running into the piles of snow along the side of the road. Finally, he's able to come to a complete stop without hitting any other cars.

Now most people in this situation would thank their lucky stars for not getting involved in an accident and perhaps even learn a lesson, but not Mr. Honda. As soon as the light turned green and we started moving, he got right up on the bumper of the car in front of him. Then he darted into the center lane, passed the stupid rational driver, and zipped back into the right lane to tailgate someone else.

Then early this morning, I was driving along at about 35 or 40 mph, which is pretty much what the rest of the very few other cars out at 5:30 AM were doing. And with all the slush and slick spots on even the main highways, that was the best one could safely do. Then an older Chevy comes blowing by us at about sixty.

A few miles later I saw a set of taillights sitting at the bottom of a ten foot embankment. It was the old Chevy. If I had been able to safely stop, I would have.

No, not to render assistance. Rather, I would have politely asked the driver if he's stupid. Then again, the answer to that is so obvious that my question would in and of itself been stupid.

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Back from the Dead
Congratulations to Senator John Kerry on his victory in New Hampshire. Three weeks ago the man was written off as politically dead, having gone as far as to mortgage his home to remain in the campaign. And now, with two victories under his belt, he is suddenly the Democratic frontrunner.

Meanwhile, former governor Howard Dean delivered a gracious concession speech. Then he stripped off his clothes and began signing a medley of songs from "Cats."

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Paar for the Course
Jack Paar, who preceded Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show, has signed off for the last time.

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Poor Howard

----------Oliphant

Probe This
The Opportunity Spacecraft has successfully landed on Mars and begun returning pictures of its surroundings. This comes on the heels of Spirit's landing two weeks ago. The European Space Agency also tried to land its Beagle spacecraft on the Red Planet last month, but it apparently crashed and burned.

You know, IF there is, in fact, any intelligent life on Mars, they're going to be awfully pissed about all this crap we keep throwing at them.

----------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

But Is There a Vaccine?
In an effort to calm the people of New Hampshire and prevent outright panic among the state's populace, The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta and the United States Department of Agriculture, in conjunction with the Food and Drug Administration, have issued a joint statement saying that as long as you avoid direct contact with the central nervous system of infected candidates, there is no danger of catching Mad Dean Disease.

----------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

Chirp, Chirp, Ah-choo
Scientists are reportedly quite concerned that an especially virulent strain of bird flu may soon sweep the world.

I'm sorry, but with all the famine and strife on this planet of ours, as well as terrorism, incommunicado space probes, the upcoming Michael Jackson trial, and the uncontrolled proliferation of nuclear weapons, I refuse to be concerned about whether the Bluejays in my backyard are sneezing and coughing on one another.

Maybe Howard Dean Scared the Poor Thing

Over the years, Mars has seen many exploratory missions fail. Now it seems that the red planet may have claimed yet another victim.

Yesterday NASA lost virtually all communication with the Mars Spirit rover. Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory are frantically working to get to the root of the problem and reestablish radio contact with the probe. This development was largely unexpected since the mission had been proceeding smoothly thus far.

In particular, NASA experts are examining the very last photo sent by the rover for subtle signs of any potential hazards they may have previously missed:

Dean Endorses Bush
In a stunning turn of events, Howard Dean has proclaimed himself a conservative and endorsed Bush for President.

No, no, not THAT Howard Dean!! The OTHER Howard Dean, the one that was in Ninja III.

Howard Woody Dean, who once had a brief movie role as a cop who falls out of a helicopter, agrees that the OTHER Howard Dean has done a lot for Vermont, "but how hard is that?"

Good point.

In an unrelated development, animal control officers in New Hampshire who saw Dean's screaming concession speech in Iowa have detained the former governor on suspicions of being rabid.

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Good Thing Kerry Didn't Pull the Plug

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

No More Dick
Well, Dick Gephardt's twisted, mutilated body has landed with a resounding thud on the shoulder of that long road to the Democratic presidential nomination. He joins previous victims Bob Graham and Carol Mosely Braun as roadkill.

Surprisingly though, it wasn't Howard Dean driving the campaign juggernaut to victory in Iowa, but John Kerry. Who'd have thought that a week ago? Now the question becomes: Who will be the next one to get squashed? My money's on Lieberman. And hopefully this is one bet I'll win, so I can make up for all the money I lost on those stupid Eagles.

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French Bashing from the Grave
Since 1949, an anonymous stranger has visited Edgar Allen Poe's gravesite every January 19th--the anniversary of the author's death. He has always left a bottle of French cognac and three roses.

In keeping with tradition, the "Poe Toaster" made his annual pilgrimage last night, but with one minor change: He also left a note saying "The sacred memory of Poe and his final resting place is no place for French cognac." Though a bottle was left behind, the note adds that it was done so with great reluctance.

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Reality Sucks
In a stunning piece of news that may shake the American entertainment industry to its very core, Fox TV has announced it is canceling a project because it wasn't appropriate for the network. Considering that Fox has previously brought us such reality fare as Temptation Island and Joe Millionaire, what could possibly be any worse? Is it the broadcast premier of the Paris Hilton video? Televised executions? WHAT?

Well, it was a show tentatively titled Wild Sex..... From the National Geographic Society.

It was to feature animals of various species in the act of mating. Cheryl McDowell of Fox's broadcast and standards department (They actually have one of those!?!) said that showing the "mounting" acts of various animals would be "problematic."

Oh, and Temptation Island, which sought to deliberately break up couples by sticking them half naked in hot tubs with someone other than their actual loved ones, fot the simple purpose of seeing who seduces whom, was NOT "problematic?"

But heaven forbid we should risk exposing our children to koala bears humping one another!

Meanwhile, CBS has announced plans for its next reality series, Amish in the City. It will follow a group of 16 year old Amish teenagers as they are exposed to big city life for the first time.

What the hell.... In the climactic final episode we can watch their heads explode as they're introduced to Paris and Nicole from the Simple Life.

Network President Lester Moonves insists that the show would be "respectful" of the Amish faith.

It should be noted that CBS is the network that last year proposed taking an impoverished family from Appalachia and sticking them in a Beverly Hills Mansion so that the rest of us are amused as they discover the joys of microwave ovens. That project was killed after a massive public outcry.

Is it any wonder cable TV continues to cut into the broadcast networks' audiences?

Geography Lesson
Jeez.... It seems like every channel I go to tonight is talking about the Iowa caucuses.

How embarrassing is that!!!! It's precisely this sort of irresponsible blather that perpetuates the myth that Americans are ignorant of the rest of the world.

I mean , everyone knows the caucuses are in central Asia!!!

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Look What You Can Buy for a Dollar
In an unusual move, the Fairfax County, Virginia, jail is going to begin charging its inmates one dollar for each day they are incarcerated.

And if I don't pay it, will I be evicted?

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Would You Like Cream and Sugar with Your Steak Sauce?
A Seattle steakhouse is offering 12 oz. filet mignon cuts sprinkled with Starbucks coffee grinds.

Great. So not only will you develop Mad Cow Disease and die a slow, hideous death as your brain turns to fetid cottage cheese, but you won't be able to get any sleep!

This Bird Don't Fly
When the United States began fingerprinting and photographing all foreign visitors last week, Brazil promptly announced it would begin doing the same to all American (and only American) visitors. The move was obviously intended as some sort of payback.

The other day, American Airlines pilot Dale Robin Hersh, after landing in Sao Paulo, decided to exercise his own little payback for Brazil's payback by lifting his middle finger while being photographed.

This earned Mr. Hersh a $13,000 fine.

Enough of this petty back and forth bickering. All of us on the planet Earth are part of a global community of nations, and our respective nations need to stop acting like seven year olds arguing about who started what on a playground.

And if that doesn't work, I say we bomb the shit out of Brazil.

More Proof California Just Ain't Right
What is the deal with the people of California?

Michael Jackson was arraigned earlier today, and hundreds of his fans turned out in a boisterous show of support for the singer turned hideous freak of nature. They were cheering, clapping, waving signs, and chanting "Michael, we love you." Jacko should be more careful about who he loves back, however, since that's how he got into this situation in the first place.

More importantly, who knew Jackson even had fans?

Jackson may or may not ultimately turn out to be innocent of these latest charges. But making a mockery of the legal system is not going to change whatever the facts of the case may be. This is not some sort of popularity contest in which the general public votes on the next American idol; rather, it's about determining whether a man (and I use the term loosely) is guilty of some rather serious charges. And quite frankly, that multi-million dollar out of court settlement from a few years ago says a lot, too.

But back to the public displays of support: Who the hell are these people? Are they the same ones who stood along the highway cheering O.J. when he was accused of double murder? Hell, let's bring Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini back from the dead and parade them down the Santa Monica Freeway. The people of California would probably die of giddiness.

And what to make of the scene where Jackson climbed on top of his limo to wave at his supporters? Not bad for a guy who was supposedly left crippled by a brutal police beating.

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Giving Head
What a miserable, depressing day....

I've come across two disturbing news items in the past 24 hours or so. First, Carole Moseley Braun has dropped out of the presidential race and announced she is endorsing Howard Dean. And while I have nothing against the former governor, I just don't see any way he can beat George W. Bush in Florida this November, regardless of how many recounts he demands.

At the moment my loyalties are torn between the two candidates I deem to have the best chance of winning: Dennis "Big Head" Kucinich and the Reverend Al Sharpton.

Seriously: Have you ever looked at a photo of Kucinich? His head is too big for his body. Stature wise, he's a little shrimp. Maybe 4'7" tops, if he's wearing stiletto heals. Yet proportionally, Kucinich has the cranial structure of a man who is 6'5"! I find that just vaguely disturbing.

But enough about politics and the future of the free world. The other, far more serious news item is that Fannie May candies is closing.

To the Moon And Beyond

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

President Bush has announced an ambitious new program to return a man to the moon, starting with former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill regardless of "whether he wants to go or not. And with the inevitable technological advances that will occur as the project advances, we may even eventually return the backstabbing son of a bitch to the Earth." Then further down the road--possibly 2030 or beyond--Bush wants America to put a man on Mars to "search for evidence of life and possible weapons of mass destruction."

In the present, however, there is already plenty of action on the red planet. The Spirit rover finally rolled onto Martian soil, thereby becoming the first SUV to actually be driven off-road. It will now spend the next three months riding around, poking at rocks, and transmitting dramatic pictures of: Dirt.

While the expansion of our intellectual and scientific knowledge is all fine and dandy, the fact is that we are missing the true potential of our planetary neighbor: It can cure the obesity epidemic currently plaguing America!

One important thing we already know about Mars is that it's gravitational field is 1/3 of Earth's. Hence, a 150 pound earthbound human would only weigh 50 lbs on the red planet. Even more importantly, a 390 lb. walking tub of lard would only be a svelte 130 lb. adult there! And he would be able to eat super-sized double beef Whopper with cheese value meals all day long and not have to worry about being to heavy for the recliner.

Of course, more powerful rockets would have to be developed to handle the increased payloads, but the savings in healthcare costs would more than offset the additional investment.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Who Is This Guy Anyway?
Mr. Black has come out with his annual list of the 10 worst dressed women of the year, and coming in at the top of the list for 2003 is Paris Hilton.

Yeah, like anyone cares what she looks like fully clothed.....

Avast, Ye Mateys!
The world's largest ocean liner, the Queen Mary 2, set sail today from Southampton, England. the 1132 ft. ship is expected to arrive in Fort Lauderdale next week.

In a related story, a glacier on the coast of Greenland calved the world's largest iceberg today.

I'm Going Back to Sunday School

In what can only be described as a giant step forward for the religious right of America, Pamela Anderson is now teaching Sunday school.

The classes are designed to appeal to parents who are fairly stupid, but not quite stupid enough to let their kids attend a slumber party at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

When Good Kitties Go Bad....

Anniversary

The first free public museum opened on this date in 1773 in Charleston, South Carolina. It was kind of boring, however, because back then it only had new stuff.

My Latest Get Rich Quick Scheme

Go to a nice restarant and order a steak. When it arrives, start eating it like usual. Then halfway through the meal, slip an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth. When you feel it starting to fizz, jump up out of your seat, flail your arms, tear at your hair, and start screaming that your food just gave you Mad Cow Disease. Then fall down, twitch, and act like you've slipped into a coma.

If you do this just right, you're guaranteed to win a multi-million dollar settlement.

Where's My Guide Dog?
Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, who was forced to resign by the President in December of 2002, is coming out with a book in which he finally admits to betting on baseball.

No, wait. Wrong upcoming book.

In The Price of Loyalty: George W. Bush, the White House, and the Education of Paul O'Neill, the former Secretary turned backstabbing opportunist, compares Bush's performance in Cabinet meetings to "a blind man in a roomful of deaf people."

Um, okay. But what does that mean? And if Bush is supposed to be the blind man. what does that say about everyone else at those meetings? That they can't afford hearing aids?

And why, exactly, would a blind man be in a roomful of deaf people in the first place? Did he wander in there by mistake? And would he even know it if he were in such a room? After all, if he's blind, it's not like he can see what's going on around him. And if the deaf people are trying to talk while signing with one another, maybe the blind guy will think he's in a roomful of people with speech impediments.

These are all important questions, and one can only hope O'Neill takes the time to answer them in his book.

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Flakes
Yesterday's morning commute was pretty much a disaster of biblical proportions. The weather forecasters, for the last several days, had been predicting a dusting of snow for the early morning hours. And in an unprecedented development, they turned out to be right for once.

However, the highway crew were either caught totally off guard by the flakes, or else failed to take it seriously. At any rate, they elected to not send out any salt trucks. Consequently, the snow melted as cars drove over it, then refroze into an icy glaze. The end result was scores of fender benders on virtually unnegotiable streets.

The largest school system in the area, Fairfax County, was caught with its pants down (in a non-Michael Jackson sort of way) as it decided to open on time rather than go with a two hour delay. Needless to say, many its school buses ended up getting caught in the same massive traffic tieups. Parents were predictably upset over the fiasco. Superintendent Daniel A. Domenech actually went on a local radio station later in the morning and apologized for his earlier decision.

On the other hand, Fairfax schools have been known to close in anticipation of bad weather, only to have it turn out to be a beautiful, sunny day. Then the parents end up bitching about the schools being closed for no reason. So in many cases, officials are damned if they delay or cancel schools, and damned if they don't. Being the one who ultimately has to make that decision must be one of the most thankless jobs around.

Aside from being the civilian Administrator of Iraq.

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Have a Stiff One
I hate sites such as this (via Daniella's Misadventures) that prey on people's superstitions. Astrology, especially, is a crock. There's just absolutely no truth to any of that stuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out for a few rounds with my drinking buddies Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

New On Fox

Quite frankly, this whole reality TV thing is getting completely out of hand.

Be VERY Afraid
Let's face it: Life these days is all about fear. Fear of terrorism, fear of body cavity searches at the airport, fear of having your job taken over by somebody named Gupta in New Delhi, and fear of Howard Dean actually winning next November. Fear is everywhere, and if you're not afraid of something, your probably already dead, which just makes the rest of us all the more afraid.

But with the recent focus on the Flu, Mad Cow Disease, and isolated cases of SARS popping up in China again, fear of disease seems to be the most popular one at the moment. But which disease scares you the most?

Weigh in on the new poll to the left.

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Speaking Of Mad Cows....
Despite her apology, Hillary Clinton continues to draw fire for her joke that Mahatma Gandhi used to run a gas station in St. Louis.

In an effort to change the subject, she has decided to feed a live crocodile while simultaneously talking on a cellphone and dangling Chelsea off a balcony.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Here's a shocker: After 14 years of vehement denials, that he bet on his own team. Rose makes this "shocking" revelation in his upcoming book, My Life as a Lying Sack of Crap. Many people, however, remain unimpressed by Rose's sudden candor. Some cynics go as far as to view the confession as just another ploy by Rose to have the lifetime ban issued by MLB in 1989 lifted, and to finally get into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Some critics of that ban, say it is much too harsh, and that Rose should be enshrined in Cooperstown strictly on the merits of his impressive stats. Mark Asher of the Washington Post talks about baseball's most sacred rule, Rule 21, which is prominently posted in every clubhouse at every level of the game. Rose thumbed his nose at that rule, which calls for a one year ban for betting on baseball and a lifetime ban for betting on your own team. The bottom line is that Rose knew what he was doing was wrong, and no one stuck a gun to his head to force him to place those bets.

One important aspect of this debate that has rarely been mentioned is why baseball is so paranoid about gamblers in its midst: The 1919 Chicago Black Sox. For the uninitiated, that was the year eight members of the Chicago White Sox bet against themselves and threw the World Series. That scandal almost destroyed the sport 84 years ago, and the leaders of today's baseball teams have not forgotten its lessons.

A Football God Returns

Today we learned much of what is behind the Code Orange terror alert, and why it continues. First, there was serious concern over New Year's about a dirty bomb attack on a number of US cities. Groups of scientists with hidden radiation detectors were dispatched to DC, NY, LA, Vegas, and Baltimore. Meanwhile, overseas, authorities continue their search for Abdul Haq, who was booked on a canceled Air France flight around Christmas and now has seemingly disappeared. His name matches that of an escapee from a Khandahar detainment camp.

But all this talk about death, destruction, and the end of civilization as we know it no longer matters to those of us here in DC. Today's big, BIG story in town is that Joe Gibbs is returning to the Washington Redskins. It is virtually impossible to overstate the significance of this development, and what it means to long suffering 'Skins fans. If the Mars Rover were to stumble across Elvis living in sin with Amelia Earhart and raising mad cows on the Red Planet with Osama bin Laden working as a farmhand, it would pale in comparison to the news about Gibbs.

Does that put it in perspective for you?

During his 12 seasons coaching the team, Gibbs led the Redskins to four Super Bowls, and won three of them. And while other coaches have done that, Gibbs is the only one to do it with three different quarterbacks. In fact, the first black QB to win the Super Bowl was Doug Williams (sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, but it's true) in 1988, when the Redskins defeated the Broncos. Rush Limbaugh continues to be haunted by this.

When Gibbs retired in 1993 to pursue a second career as a NASCAR owner, he left football at the top of his game. Since then, the Redskins have descended into the depths of football hell and have become a joke in the NFL.

It remains to be seen if Gibbs can return the franchise to its former glory. One immediate concern is that he is such a revered icon in this town that it may be virtually impossible for him to live up to expectations. All too often, when sports figures try to mount a comeback after retiring once, they fail to achieve their former glory. One immediate example of this is Michael Jordan's two seasons with the Washington Wizards, and it would be a shame to see Gibbs sully his image. On the other hand, a coach's strengths are measured by knowledge and the ability to be an inspiring leader to your players. Unlike physical ability which declines naturally with age, these qualities may well be immune to the ravages of time.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, can anyone work with Redskins owner Dan "The Pipsqueak With A Napoleon Complex" Snyder? That remains to be seen. But if Gibbs succeeds, all of Snyder's past sins will likely be forgiven.

Whack It. Whack it good.
Okay, quick: What great moment in sports history is today the tenth anniversary of?

No, no. Not O.J. That anniversary isn't till June. But you're on the right track.

It was ten years ago today that the Tonya Harding crime syndicate whacked Nancy Kerrigan's knee, and Ray Ratto has written a pretty funny piece about it on ESPN.com

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Brazil Nuts
In a move that many Americans say is long overdue, customs officials have begun fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors (most Europeans are exempt from this requirement). The new procedure will allow authorities to better track terrorists who are hellbent on destroying our way of life even as they visit Las Vegas to take advantage of its many carnal pleasures, including taking turns marrying Britney Spears.

Some countries are not happy that their citizens will have to endure added scrutiny while seeking a brief fling with certain unnamed pop singers who can't hold their liquor. Brazil, for example, has decided to fingerprint and photograph Americans--but only Americans--visiting that nation.

Well, that's real frikkin' mature, Brazil. What are you, in fourth grade? What a bunch of crybabies!! Fortunately, we here in the United States are above such childish displays, and know how to voice our displeasure with the international community in a reasonable, grown-up manner.

That's why later today, I'm going to DC, driving by the Brazilian embassy, and mooning them.

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Good Thing He Knows His Right Hand From His Left
A round of applause is in order for Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, who is sticking to his guns. Rather than apologize for feeding a chicken to a 13 ft. croc with one hand while holding his one month old child in the other, Irwin says he would gladly do it again provided "there were no cameras around." Irwin continues to insist there was never any danger because he knows how to safely handle wild animals.

Hmmm.... Isn't that what Roy Horn said?

----------Varvel, Indianapolis Star

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Soap On A Rope Would Be Nice
Holy magnificent Mother of Crap!! Turns out I've been arrested!!!!

Well, that's okay. Maybe I'll end up sharing a jail cell with Paris Hilton.

Congratulations are in order to NASA, which, having mastered the whole metric to english conversion thing, finally managed to land something on Mars.... Intact. Triumphant rocket scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena celebrated by cheering, hugging each other, and throwing their pocket protectors into the air.

The Spirit Lander carried a 384 pound mobile rover which, assuming it doesn't need a jump start, will be able to drive around and poke at rocks, after which it will drive around some more and poke at rocks, at which point it will drive around more and poke at rocks. Then, depending on how much power the rover has left, it may drive some more and poke at... boulders.

This comes on the heels of the Stardust spacecraft's successful fly-by of Comet Wild 2. The vessel successfully collected samples from the celestial traveler's tail, and it will return them to Earth in 2006 for study. Shortly after that, a careless scientist will become infected by an alien microbe which will begin using human hosts to propagate it's own species. Full-size alien beings will begin erupting from the chests of their hapless hosts, leading to the eventual extinction of mankind.

Democrats will blame President Bush for the fiasco.

Let's See Michael Jackson Beat This Stunt
I was planning to write something funny and witty about Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's parenting style, I can't possibly beat Little Tiny Lies' take on the story.

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Here. Have A Hamburger
Scientists and government officials continue in their attempts to reassure the American people that our beef is safe, and that the odds of anyone catching mad cow disease are "virtually non-existent."

On the other hand, the odds of someone winning $100,000,000 in the lottery are virtually non-existent, too. Yet people still manage to do that.

Pass The Noisemakers

Congratulations to a Charles Brody of Oak Hill, Virginia. He apparently celebrated a little too hard Wednesday night, and got himself arrested on a DUI charge at about 1 A.M. yesterday morning.

So what, you ask? That happens to a lot of people on New Year's Eve.

Well, yes, it does. But how many of those other people are the chief of Transportation Safety Administration operations at Washington Dulles Airport and on duty at the time of the arrest? Oh, and let's not forget the heightened security of the Code Orange terror alert, not to mention the added scrutiny being given to London/DC British Air flights.

Yes, those additional details do tend to narrow the field a bit.

Time Flies
Hard to believe it's already 2004. Seems like only a year ago we were saying it's hard to believe it's 2003.

Happy New Year!

Here's the Washington Post's annual list of what's "in" and what's "out." The one item on here, which, if true, bodes ill for America's future, is that Barry Manilow is considered in....

Dave Barry's 2003: Between Iraq and a Hard Place is also ready for your review.