Politics As Usual

A few weeks ago a lot was made of a TV AD by an anti-Kerry group of veterans calling themselves Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. In the commercial, they essentially called John Kerry a liar. The group's leading critic was a fellow swift boat skipper named Larry Thurlow. According to him, Kerry had lied about coming under fire during a mission which earned the Senator a Bronze Star. Thurlow said he commanded another swift boat in the group, and there was no hostile fire taken by any of them. He appeared in numerous interviews and even wrote a book further touting this claim.

One small problem: Thurlow himself earned a Bronze Star on the very same mission for taking "enemy small arms and automatic weapons fire."

Hmmmm.... To put it politely, Mr. Thurlow appears to have a wee bit of a credibility problem.

Or to put it bluntly, Mr. Thurlow is a lying sack of crap.

I personally don't know what the truth is. I wasn't there on March 13, 1969. I was down in the principal's office for tying Peggy Litton's pigtails into a knot.

But one thing there is no dispute about is that John Kerry volunteered to serve in Vietnam, and earned himself three Purple Hearts in the process. I don't particularly care whether they were awarded for life threatening wounds, or for paper cuts. The indisputable fact remains that Kerry shed more blood in Vietnam on any one of those occasions than George W. Bush did during the entire ten years of the conflict.

The Bush camp has denied being behind Thurlow's group and has said they will not question Kerry's war record. They need to stick to that pledge, for their own man doesn't have as much as a fig leaf to hide behind when it comes to Vietnam.

Q--What do Ralph Nader and an Olympic sprinter have in common?

A--They both run only once every four years.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Sing It, Baby
The producers of the next American Idol show will be in town this Wednesday to conduct auditions. People with no lives have already begun lining up outside the DC Convention Center for a chance to be the next William Hung. What a bunch of idiots!! Don't these morons have anything better to do than humiliate themselves on national TV!?!

Anyway, if anyone needs me, I'm number 23 in line.

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Mike Wallace: Respected Reporter or Unruly Thug?
Senior 60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace had an interesting run-in with the law last week. Before all was said and done, Wallace found himself handcuffed and taken to a police station.

The incident began when the veteran reporter came out of a restaurant and saw his limo driver being questioned by two inspectors. Evidently the vehicle was double parked, which is a no-no. Wallace intervened on behalf of his driver, and allegedly became "combative." The situation came to a head when the 86 year old Wallace supposedly "lunged" at one of the inspectors.

Now I don't know what happened. I wasn't there. But I honestly can't foresee any circumstance in which I would admit that an 86 year old man almost beat me up.

That's almost bad as being stripped naked while a 5'3" inch girl drags you around the floor at the end of a leash.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

So Who's Gonna Tell Minnie?
In a stunning revelation, Micky Mouse has announced he is resigning from Disney because he's fucking Goofy.

Storm's A-Comin'
Charley has certainly made a mess of things in Florida. I suspect the high death toll will result in a lot of finger pointing over the forecast. The storm had been expected to hit further almost 100 miles to the north as Category 2 hurricane. Charley, proving once again that we human really aren't smarter than Mother Nature, turned and strengthened a mere two hours before making landfall.

The storm knocked out power to hundreds of thousands of people, and even severely damaged a number of hospitals and storm shelters. Among the odder deaths, a man in Fort Meyer stepped outside his house to smoke a cigarette and a tree fell on him, furthering proving that smoking will kill you.

But Charley isn't done yet. After crossing over the Florida peninsula, he reentered the open waters of the Atlantic and turned north, restrengthening in the process. One of the Carolinas is likely to take the next punch. Later tonight the center of Charley is expected to come up along the Chesapeake Bay into Virginia and Maryland. Consequently Tropical storm warnings are up throughout the DC and Baltimore areas. However, nothing along the line of Isabel is expected.

I'm already making serious preparations myself. I decided to splurge and buy a six pack of Moosehead, and later this afternoon I'll set up my lawn chair and grill on the roof of my mobile home.

Fire Up the Grill
TV cooking show host Julia Childs has died at the age of 91.

No word yet on whether the family will have her buried, cremated, or sauteed.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

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Blowjobs
Florida has suffered a meteorological double whammy over the last two days. Yesterday the state's northwestern panhandle was hit by Tropical Storm Bonnie. And while that storm may have been milder than initially feared, Hurricane Charley has proven itself to be far more serious than expected.

This morning dawned with the storm at a category 2 level, and some forecasters said it might strengthen to a category 3. Instead Charley flipped everyone off and went straight to category 4 status without passing go, and without collecting $200. This has raised two immediate questions: 1) Will damage be more than or less than $20 billion, and 2) How many of the idiots who decided to ignore the evacuation orders by staying behind and throwing a hurricane party died?

And while it's still too early to tell for sure, it is feared that the two storms have done serious damage to Florida's prized hanging chad crop. It is not immediately clear what effect, if any, a reduced harvest will have on this November's Presidential election.

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---------------Boondocks, Aaron Magruder

Pass the Quackers
In a stunning development, the governor of New Jersey has resigned after announcing he is gay. It wasn't that in and of itself that led to his decision, but rather a pending harassment lawsuit and the fact that he "engaged in adult consensual affairs with another man, which violates my bonds of matrimony."

I fail to see how that's the case. After all, when a man gets married he vows to forsake all other women. But his affair was with a man, so what's the big deal? Technically speaking, he did not violate his marital vows.

It's like that Jack Ryan guy in Illinois who withdrew from the senate race because of a sex scandal. But really, what was the sex scandal? No one accused him of having a relationship with another woman--or another man, for that matter. The sole accusation against him was that he wanted to have sex with his wife! And isn't that exactly what a loving marriage is all about, the devotion between two adults to one another?

Granted, he wanted to have that sex with his wife while in a steel cage suspended over an audience of several hundred onlookers, but still, it was sex with his wife.

Geez.... All this talk about sex has gotten me all horny.

Where's my duck?

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---------------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Batter Up
A number of minor league ballparks, as part of a recent promotion, offered fans a chance to vote for the presidential candidate of their choice by picking a bobble head doll. A similar number of George W. Bush bobble heads and John Kerry bobble heads were made available to ticket holders.

Ralph Nader won.

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Lugosi's Def Jam Poetry

My Bonnie lies over the ocean;
My Bonnie lies over the sea;
My Bonnie lies over the Gulf of Mexico;
My Bonnie is packing sustained winds of 45mph and headed for the coast of Florida.

Circles
George W. Bush made a campaign appearance yesterday at Northern Virginia Community College just outside DC yesterday. He said that "We've turned the corner on the economy... We've turned the corner on education... We've turned the corner on Iraq... And we've turned the corner on Iraq."

Hmmm... That adds up to four corners, which means we're right back to where we started from!

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Time to Bury Your Head in the Sand
Ah, now here's an encouraging tale of vigilance out of Las Vegas....

Terror investigators in 2002 obtained surveillance videos of several hotels and casinos taken by Al Qaeda operatives, indicating that some sort of attack was being planned. When the information was presented to city officials, the mayor said he was concerned about the "deleterious effect on the Las Vegas tourism industry" should this information become public.

Say, was this guy once the mayor of that little town in Jaws?

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---------------Robert Ariail, The State, Columbia SC

August? Feels More Like October
A lot of people make jokes about Canada, and I must confess that I am among them. But in all partial seriousness, there are three things I love about our northern neighbors:

1) Molson Ale.
2) Moosehead beer.
3) Their air masses.

Summers in DC can be downright brutally hot and humid. And while the season as a whole thus far has not been as bad as some in the past, it still has been no picnic.

However, Thursday night one of those masses of cold Canadian air snuck in here and cooled things off to near record low levels. Indeed, yesterday morning's low at Reagan National tied the record at 58 degrees Fahrenheit (That's, um, like minus 57 in Celsius, I think). But even that is somewhat deceptive since that airport sits right along the Potomac River. That often tends to moderate the temperature readings somewhat (yet it's the official National Weather Service recording station for DC). In contrast, Dulles--which is some 30 miles away--hit 52. That's unheard of in August, and is a welcome relief for everyone's armpits.

Even the daytime highs on Friday and yesterday were in the low 70's. Quite frankly, there are times in August around here we feel fortunate to get into the low '70's at night.

Alas, the party is just about over. Today is supposed to be about 83, and we'll be hitting 90 again by Tuesday.

But for now I'll savor our good fortune of the last two days by toasting Mother Nature with a cold bottle of Bud.

What, are you nuts? I can't afford Moosehead or Molson!

My, What a Big Missile You Have, Grandma
Well, it has certainly been a busy week for those in the growing terror services industry. The fun started last Sunday with the sudden announcement of a Code Orange alert, which may or may not have been based on intelligence dating back to the days of the Holy Roman Empire. Then later in the week we saw the reopening of the Statue of Liberty even as those who would destroy us were being rounded up by authorities here, in Britain, and in Pakistan.

---------------Walt handelsman, Newsday

The arrests in Albany, NY were perhaps the oddest. In that particular incident, the leader of a local mosque was one of two individuals charged with money laundering. The two thought they were helping someone buy a shoulder fired missile launcher as part of a plot to assassinate a Pakistani diplomat. Unfortunately for them, the whole thing turned out to be a sting operation staged by the FBI.

This is truly disturbing news. I mean, what's this world coming to when you can't trust the FBI?

And where the hell does one buy shoulder fired missile launchers anyway? Does Wal-Mart sell those things? Or Target? Should one try pawn shops instead? Are they cheaper by the dozen at Costco?

In the meantime, various members of the Islamic community continue to insist that they are being unfairly singled out for investigations. Islam is a peaceful religion, they insist. It's no different from any other faith. Well, if that's true, how come we never hear about Presbyterian suicide bombers, militant Methodist hijackers, or Southern Baptists beheading hostages? It's probably just that the Zionist controlled news media is suppressing that other stuff.

True story: This morning on the radio I heard an interview with an Ibrahim Hooper of the Council on American-Islamic Relations. It was a major exercise in nuance. Remember Bill Clinton's argument about what the definition of "is" is? Well, Hooper put Clinton to shame. This guy was arguing that the two men in Albany did nothing wrong, that they're merely victims of an overzealous FBI sting operation, and that they themselves were not guilty of any actual terrorist acts.

Yeah, right. It's all just a wacky misunderstanding over a shoulder fired missile launcher, like what happened to Lucy Ricardo once. Or maybe it was just intended as a Bar Mitzvah gift for some Jewish kid.

Does Hooper have any idea how much damage he's doing to the perception of Muslims with his continued equivocating? Hell, if you take his argument to its logical conclusion, then the 9/11 hijackers didn't really break any laws till they actually entered the cockpits. Good thing they weren't arrested ahead of time because of unfair ethnic profiling!

We certainly can't be having any of that!!

The 2004 Mercury

NASA has successfully launched the Messenger spacecraft which will study our solar system's innermost planet. The last flyby of Mercury was done by Mariner 10 back in the 70's, and data from that mission ended up raising more questions than it answered. By the time Messenger's work is done, scientists hope to learn why Mercury is so unusually dense, why it has such a strong magnetic field, whether there is water in the shaded region's of the planet's poles, and if there are any hidden weapons of mass destruction present. Needless to say, France is vehemently opposed to the mission.

Despite Mercury's relative proximity, the spacecraft won't be arriving at its destination until 2011. Due to reasons having to do with weight and fuel storage, Messenger will perform a number of flybys of massive celestial objects. These manuevers will in turn harness the powerful gravitational fields of Earth, Venus, Mercury, and Michael Moore to first speed up the ship and then slow it down before finally allowing it to slip into orbit.

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Polishing More Than an Apple
Mary Kay Letourneau, the teacher who spent over seven years in prison for having sex with a 12 year old student, has been released from prison.

Seven years? That's it? This woman is a proven sexual predator and makes absolutely no apologies for her disgusting actions. It is obvious she can't be trusted, and yet she is now free to roam the streets.

But what bothers me most about this case is that there weren't any teachers like her around when I was growing up.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

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Celebrate Freedom....
Provided You've Gone Through the Metal Detector
The Statue of Liberty--or at least the pedestal--reopened today under tight security. This proud symbol of America's freedom had been closed since the 9/11 attacks three years ago. Among the various dignitaries on hand was New York mayor Michael Bloomberg. He sought to encourage visitors to come to the Big Apple by saying "To stay home and lock our doors is what the terrorists want."

I agree that hiding behind locked doors is no way to live. But is hiding behind jersey barriers, heavily armed guards, and bomb sniffing dogs any better?

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Pass the Dip
Mexico's Attorney General and a number of his top officials have been fitted with tiny chips to serve as identification devices. It gives "tagged" individuals access to sensitive and restricted areas. In the future, the tiny implants may even be used to track a person's location should they be kidnapped.

The chips are currently available in nacho cheese and tortilla flavors, with sour cream & onion coming in the near future.

Code Orange
Here's a silly question: If you're a terrorist driving a truck filled with explosives, and you discover that your target has been placed on high alert, what's to keep you from simply finding a different target? In other words, by giving too much detail with these terror alerts, aren't we merely steering the danger towards some other, less protected group of potential victims?

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Call me a cynic, but these highly publicized terror warnings are designed more to give the illusion that the government is doing something. In other words, it's a classic example of Cover Your Ass.

Our security would be better served if these things were kept low-key. If the authorities have solid intelligence, and they have a decent idea of what to look for, they should be allowed to their jobs and catch the bad guys. But if too much publicity causes them to abort their mission and slip underground again, all we have gained is a postponement of an attack. Meanwhile, when once again nothing happens, the public is lulled into a false sense of security.

---------------Jack Ohman, The Oregonian

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Is That a Cable Modem in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
You know how cable companies always tout their modem services as being "Always On"? Well, that may be true in the cases of Comcast, Cox, and Time-Warner, but it's certainly not so with Adelphia. Their motto should be "Mostly Down."

I guess that level of service is to be expected of a company who's founders are in jail.

So during the past week I've been repeatedly forced to access the internet through my cellphone, but that's so pathetically slow that I kept falling asleep between clicks of the mouse. Then by the time I would finally wake up two hours later, it was time to recharge the damn battery again. Additionally, the keyboard imprint on my forehead was rather unsightly.

Having said that, I must add that I obviously haven't learned my lesson. Why not? Well, because I've decided to subscribe their new Digital Video Recorder (DVR) service. That's right: Having three VCR's just isn't enough, so now I'm going to add yet another recording device. And all this timeshifting technology is for a person who still hasn't had a chance to watch the stack of 12 VHS tapes he recorded over the past TV season.

But as God is my witness, I vow to eventually find out how the last season of The Sopranos ended.

I have several friends with TiVo units, so I'm familiar with the technology and some of the advantages over standard VCR's. But since you need a conventional phoneline to subscribe to the service--something I don't have--I haven't bothered with it.

However, USAToday had an article the other day about TiVo and some of its up and coming rivals. It mentioned that some of the newer DVR units now available from cable companies have two tuners, thereby enabling you to simultaneously record two separate shows that you'll never have a chance to watch. After checking with Adelphia, it turns out that they do offer this new unit.

There is a downside, however. Between my regular service, plus HBO, the digital package, the cable modem, and the DVR rental, my new cable bill will be so high that I'll be forced to live out on the street. But what the hell--having a roof over your head is overrated.



P.S.
I'm going downtown today. Think I'll take the Metro and have a candy bar along the way.

See you in five to ten years.

Are You Going to Eat That?
The buzz around DC the last couple of days has NOT been about the Democratic national convention, or the 911 report, or the mounting death toll in Iraq, or the ongoing genocide in Sudan, or possible global warming, or the future of stem cell research, or future catastrophic terror attacks, or any other such trivial matter. No, the divisive issue that has people arguing around here is: Did the Metro Transit Police overeact when they arrested a woman for eating a candy bar in the subway?

Stephanie Willett was reminded by an officer that there is a no food or drink law on the rail system. She then stuffed the remaining portion of her candy bar into her mouth and said--and the lady freely admits this part--to the officer, "Why don't you go and take care of some real crime?" From there the accounts of ensuing events differ somewhat, but the bottom line is that she did end up being handcuffed and detained.

Now this may seem like a trivial matter, and I suppose it is to an extent. But the no food or drink law is CLEARLY posted in the stations and on the trains, and it has been since the system first opened 28 years ago. So unless Ms. Willett is claiming to be a functionally illiterate adult, and I fail to see what possible excuse she has.

This topic flares up every few years. Back in 2000 or so it popped up in the news when a 12 year old girl was arrested for eating french fries. And in that case as well, the violator decided that rather than comply with the law, let's mouth off to the cop who's only out there trying to their job.

For its part, Metro defends the rule as being a major part of keeping the system clean and sanitary.

The woman's defenders argue that the New York and Chicago transit systems don't prohibit food or drink. Well, okay, but that's not really the point, is it? An interstate highway allows motorists to drive 60 miles an hour, but that doesn't mean I can do the same in a residential neighborhood, does it? I've ridden the subway in both those cities, and quite frankly, they leave a lot to be desired in terms of cleanliness and odor control. I've also ridden our own Metro system countless times, and it's always been a pleasant experience. The stations and rail cars are always clean, and I don't have to contend with some fat slob splattering crap from his pastrami sub all over me. Most importantly, I don't have to worry about tripping over a rat on the station platform.

The Washington Post

Besides, it kinda looks like Ms. Willett should lay off the candy bars for a while.

---------------Oliphant

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Bad News for Microsoft
Microsoft is awash in billions of dollars of excess cash with no where to spend it. Consequently, the company has announced that it will pay out $75 billion in dividends to shareholders over the next four years.

Well, thank God they're not blowing that money on something stupid.... Like plugging all the damn holes in Windows.

---------------Robert Ariail, The State(Columbia, SC

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But 'Shove It' Where?
Needless to say, I must join in the world's outrage at Teresa Heinz Kerry's behavior. Here she is, a woman potentially in line to be First Lady, using language like--GASP!!!!--"shove it!!!! I may yet faint from having typed those horrid words....

The seriousness of this can not be overstated. Being First Lady is a position which carries tremendous responsibility since she'll be in charge of, um, organizing parties at the White House. Can a loose cannon such as her be trusted with such a sensitive task? I shudder to think about the danger such an unstable person poses to world peace.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

The only thing that could be even worse, even more offensive than telling a reporter to "shove it" would be, say, the Vice President telling a United States Senator to "f*ck off" on the floor of the Senate.

Then again, that's too ridiculous to even think about.

Bojinka

Time for a serious post. This would fall under the category of "More."

One conclusion that can be drawn from the final Report by the 9/11 Commission is that no one person was responsible. It wasn't Bush's fault, or Clinton's fault, or the CIA's, or the FBI's. Rather, it was a collective failure by virtually our entire government over the course of several years. In fact, out of all the dozens of individuals and agencies that had opportunities to thwart the attacks, there was only one group that came through in defense of our nation on that awful day: The crew and passengers of United Flight 93. While our own intelligence people failed, and the FAA dropped the ball, and our own Air Force planes flew off in the wrong direction, it was those 40 individuals that stepped up to the plate and acted to defend their country.

And if you listened to the various people that testified, as well as any number of other defenders of the government, the one theme that comes through was the whole idea of hijacked planes being used to destroy buildings was beyond anyone's imagination.

On the surface, that seems true enough.

Unfortunately, it was NOT an unheard of concept. And the story of Bojinka further amplifies the failures of our intelligence community.

It was January of 1995 when police and firefighters in Manila responded to reports of smoke billowing from an apartment. A suspicious police investigator eventually discovered that the apartment was being used to manufacture bombs. The plot--codenamed Operation Bojinka--was to blow up 11 commercial airliners in midflight over the Pacific. Had it not been foiled, an estimated 4000 people would have died.

The one terrorist that was arrested at the apartment, Abdul Hakim Murad, happened to be a trained pilot. And during his interrogation, Murad revealed that there was a phase two to the plan, and that was for him to fly an explosives laden Cessna into CIA headquarters. He also said that there was an additional list of targets to be hit by planes--Congress, the White House, the Pentagon, and some skyscrapers--once they had more trained pilots.

Granted, there's a bit of a difference between someone flying a Cessna into a building and hijacking a 767. But when you have groups of middle eastern men learning to fly airliners without bothering to study landings and takeoffs, coupled with what had happened in the Phillipines six years earlier, alarms should have gone off in someone's head.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Rescue Me
I don't usually do reviews unless I feel I have some sort of particularly useful, insightful, thought-provoking, worthwhile, and/or smartass comment to make, such as "Catwoman is a very good movie. My favorite part was the litterbox scene." But I haven't seen "Catwoman," I have no plans to see "Catwoman," I don't know if "Catwoman" even has a litterbox scene, so therefore I won't say a word about "Catwoman."

That said, the following is not so much a review (here's USAToday's review, however) as a recommendation: Watch FX's "Rescue Me."

So much of what is on regular network TV these days is crap, and "Rescue Me" only further demonstrates that the only reason it's still worth having a TV is because of cable. The show stars Denis Leary as Tommy Gavin, a firefighter in post 9/11 New York city. It's raw, edgy, and let's just say the language is realistic.

He's also an alcoholic with a marriage on the rocks. And if that's not enough, he's also coping with the occasional visits of dead comrades, or fire victims that he somehow failed to save over the years. The most memorable of the deceased visitors is Gavin's cousin Jimmy, one of four firefighters from that particular station killed at Ground Zero. In the opening scene, as Gavin berates a incoming class of firefighters, he mentions that the only remains of his cousin recovered consisted of a single finger. Consequently, whenever the "ghost" of Jimmy appears, he has a bandage where the missing digit used to be.

The show normally airs on Wednesday nights. FX is rerunning the first episode Sunday night at 11 (Eastern), Monday night at 10:30, and Tuesday at 11 PM.

Check it out if you get the chance.

Pedal Power
Lance Armstrong is now firmly in the lead of this year's Tour de France, and it would appear that the only thing that may stop him are disgruntled fans who want to take their anger at America out on him. Disturbing reports have surfaced that many of the spectators along the race route are jeering and even spitting on Armstrong.

Unusual, huh? I mean, the French have such a reputation for being polite, it's a shame that something like this has to happen.

Whatever problems people of other nations may have with America's foreign policies, they should keep in mind that Lance Armstrong is in no way responsible for decisions made by the Bush Adminstration. So if you're frustrated with this country's leadership, fine, direct that anger at the individuals responsible. That does not include Armstrong, or me, or the American tourist with the enormous gut riding up the Eiffel Tower elevator.

Lance Armstrong survived a serious bout with cancer a few years ago. The fact that 90 or 95% of people in his situation at the time would have died within six months makes his current accomplishments even more impressive--and all the more precious. Give the man a break; he's lucky to even be alive.

On the other hand, he's also banging Sheryl Crowe, so how much good fortune can a single individual be entitled to?

Anyway, if the French want to continue to behave like jerks, fine. But I say we give the Germans a call and tell them that if they want to invade France again, go ahead. This time we won't get involved.

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---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

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That's Clucking Ridiculous
A major West Virginia based supplier of chickens to KFC has been accused of abusing and torturing the birds.

Authorities were alerted after the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals obtained photos of PFC Lynndie England leading chickens around on a leash.

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Mr. Smarty Pants Update
Ken Jennings continues his incredible run on Jeopardy!, having now won 36 straight times. However, he is beginning to encounter an increasing amount of animosity. For example, last night his competitors were spitting on him.

---------------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press Gazette

The Eagle has Landed
It was at 10:56 PM on this date in 1969 that the human race--represented by Neil Armstrong--first set foot on the moon. It was an amazing achievement, conceived and carried out during a tumultuous time in our nation's history.

Yet as incredible a feat as reaching the moon was, NASA has soared to even greater heights during the intervening decades. For example, mankind has succeeded in growing tomato plants in low Earth orbit, and demonstrating that earthworms can successfully mate in a weightless environment.

Who knows what wonders await us in the next 35 years?

---------------Rob Rogers, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Granted, George W. Bush last January proposed sending humans to explore Mars, but that idea seems to have pretty much died quiet death since then. And that's truly a shame.

Many critics charged that we should take care of our existing problems--such as poverty, homelessness, and starvation--here on Earth before we go reaching for other worlds. Those may be noble words, but they also represent unattainable idealism.

The unfortunate fact is that poverty, homelessness, and starvation have existed from the moment Adam & Eve were forced to leave the Garden of Eden. Every society in recorded history has always had some luckless individuals at the bottom of the economic ladder, and every society in the future will continue to do so. It's a simple fact that in any hierarchal structure, someone's going to be at the bottom of the pile getting shafted.

Actually, I take that back. We can solve the problem of poverty, homelessness, and starvation here on Earth, and going to the red planet is precisely the way to do it!!

Simply put, we build a really big spaceship, stick all the poor homeless people who are starving on it, and ship 'em off to Mars!

Problem solved.

Pedal Faster
The Tour de France will resume tomorrow. American Lance Armstrong is currently in second place. Assuming he can capture first place and maintain it, he will be rolling triumphantly through the streets of Paris for the sixth time this Sunday.

Even the German army managed that feat only twice.

What? Nelson Mandela guilty of insider trading?
I was going to steer of the Martha Stewart fiasco, but my conscience will no longer let me do that. Plus, she has said something so incredibly outrageous that I'm ready to heave my guts all over the keyboard.

First, let me say that I think she got off easy. If it had been you or me up on those same charges, we'd already be in prison serving as Bruno's bitch every time he dropped his soap. But Martha got off with a mere five months, and she has the nerve to complain about it, and scream that she's going to appeal. Well, good. And if there's any justice in this world, the appellate court will agree that her sentence was indeed a farce, and instead send her to prison for five years.

But here's the part that really pushed me over the edge: Stewart is now comparing her situation to Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years rotting in a South African jail for the heinous crime of being opposed to apartheid.

My God!! Is Martha Stewart really that far out of touch with reality?

Granted, it's not like she slashed someone's throat and dumped the body in a drainage ditch like so many of us ordinary folk have done, but the fact remains that she received an illegally obtained tip about a stock ready to go down the toilet, and then lied about it to federal investigators. Granted, no physical harm was done to anyone. But what about the millions of ordinary Americans who have invested their life savings in the stock market, especially retirees? Does anyone honestly believe that those same anonymous people would have received a courtesy call from their stockbroker under the same circumstances? No, of course not. And the end result was that a lot of small investors--perhaps your own 79 year old Aunt Gladys--lost thousands of hard earned dollars when ImClone tanked.

And that's why Stewart's conviction is a victory for the little people like you, me, and dear old Aunt Gladys.

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

A Gay Old Time? Only If You're Single
The US Senate yesterday dealt a blow to those seeking a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages. Despite the setback, President Bush and a number of other Republicans vow to fight on for this important measure designed to protect the sanctity of marriage.

Well, thank God that someone has their priorities straight! I would hate to think our political leaders are wasting their precious time arguing about petty matters such as Medicare, national security, the economy, the burgeoning federal deficit, prescription drug benefits, preventing terrorism, world hunger, or solving the plight of 40 million uninsured Americans.

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

Besides, as long as we have Jennifer Lopez, the average number of traditional heterosexual marriages will continue to rise.

Just Say Boo

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

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Here Kitty, Kitty
It is unfortunate that the story of Bobo the escaped tiger turned out the way it did. Steve Sipek, his owner, is calling the shooting of the animal "murder" and claims that Bobo was completely harmless. "He had a heart of gold."

Yeah, right. And I'm sure Roy Horn considered Montecure the White Tiger to be completely harmless as well.

The responsibility for Bobo's death rests entirely on Sipek's shoulders. Seriously: What kind of idiot keeps a wild 750 pound man-eating animal in his backyard as a pet? Does Sipek have something against goldfish? If I'm carrying a shotgun and an animal weighing more than Oprah during one of her fat phases decides to lunge at me, the only question is going to be whether to shoot first and then shit my pants, or shit my pants first and then shoot.

This story reminds me of the guy in the DC area a few years ago who was bitten by his pet cobra. The hospital had to scramble to round up enough antivenom from around the country to save his life. A few days later we came to find out that the same thing had happened to this same guy a few years earlier. What? He didn't learn his lesson the first time?

Now I'm sorry, but if you're stupid enough to keep a pet cobra, you don't deserve to live. Seriously. And whatever you do, don't reproduce. We don't need your sperm contaminating the rest of the human gene pool.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go feed the five foot pet alligator I keep in my bathtub.

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Mr. Smarty Pants
A lot of people have gotten caught up in the saga of Ken Jennings, who last night broke the one million dollar mark on Jeopardy!. In so doing, he has set a new record in total winnings for the geek oriented game show. But is this necessarily all that impressive an accomplishment? I think not, and in fact, it only serves to demonstrate that the guy is a moron.

Think about it: Jennings has now been on for 30 consecutive nights. And since they tape five episodes a week, that's six weeks of his life that he has wasted pursuing the million bucks. Additionally, he has had to answer hundreds of questions along the way.

This fool could instead have gone on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, answered a dozen or so questions, and still ended up with the same amount of money. Plus, it would have taken him all of 15 minutes--20 tops--to do it!!!

HA!!! Smart, indeed.

E Tu, Donald?
In an interview in the upcoming Esquire magazine, Donald Trump has come down hard on Bush, saying the President has made a "mess" of Iraq, and that it's "folly" to think that it can be turned into a democracy. And of the failure to catch bin Laden, Trump says "We have all our energies focused on one place - where they shouldn't be focused," meaning Iraq.

Holy Mother of Moses!!! When one of the nation's top businessmen turns on a Republican President, you know it's all but over. I mean, what's next? Ronald Reagan's son addressing the Democratic national convention?

Supporting One's Dick
George W. Bush was asked last week what he thought the differences were between Vice President Cheney and Kerry's newly announced running mate, John Edwards. Bush's reply was short and to the point: "Dick Cheney can be President."

Could be President? I thought he already was!

---------------Dave Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

And thanks to Solar for providing the link to a highly entertaining "music video" featuring the President--er, I mean Mr. Bush--and John Kerry.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

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Does It Come With an Optional Smoke Detector?
Over two dozen brand new Honda CR-V sport utility vehicles have caught on fire within minutes of their first oil change. According to government regulators, this is somewhat unusual.

So far no one has been hurt or killed in the incidents, though there have been a number of close calls.

Honda's position on the matter, however, is that the fires are the fault of the technicians who change the oil filter, and the company has no plans to issue a recall.

Huh? If Honda is going to claim that the there is nothing wrong with the vehicles, then it is also saying that it's perfectly normal for any car to erupt into flames the moment it leaves the Jiffy Lube parking lot. Now I don't know about you, but I've never had a vehicle go all Hindenburg on me under any circumstances, and I'm fairly certain none of my friends have either.

Have Another Drink
A study shows that a particular cactus extract can help cure some symptoms of a hangover.

However, it won't do anything about that fat chick you woke up next to in the morning.

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---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Oopsies!
Back on June 9, the day former President Reagan's casket arrived in DC, there was a brief security scare which led to the evacuation of the Capitol. The cause was an unidentified plane headed for National Airport just across the Potomac from DC. It was later identified as a small jet carrying Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher, and the confusion was caused by a broken transponder. While the FAA knew about the problem and had cleared the craft to enter restricted airspace, they, um, kinda forgot to tell NORAD.

As it turns out, Kentucky Lieutenant Governor Steve Pence came damn close to getting a promotion that day.

An inquiry into the incident has revealed a serious gap in communications that day. As a result, the General in charge of air security for DC was moments away from ordering an F16 to shoot down the Governor's plane when it finally turned for its final approach to the airport.

And Osama didn't even have to lift a finger....

At Least He's Not a Tampon

John Kerry made what was really the only logical choice in selecting John Edwards as his running mate. Edwards, though he's only 51, has already served almost a full term in the Senate, and prior to that, he accumulated vast amounts of experience suing over spilled cups of coffee. This certainly qualifies him to be Vice President.

On the other hand, Dick Cheney looks like that weird neighbor of yours down the street who eventually gets arrested for being a child molester. That certainly qualifies him for being a heartbeat away from the presidency.

The Republicans wasted no time accusing both Kerry and Edwards of being (gasp!!) liberals!!! Well, yeah, I suppose that's true. But on the other hand, neither of these guys has gone and invaded a foreign country without having a clue as to what they would do after they won. And at the moment, that sounds like a pretty qualification to me, even if John Kerry is a douche bag.

Oh, How Close We Came to Being French
Today is the Fourth of July, the day the United States celebrates its independence. This particular Fourth, however, also marks the 250th anniversary of 22 year old George Washington's surrender to the French at Fort Necessity in Pennsylvania. The skirmish was an early battle in what we now know as the French & Indian War. Had Washington been killed there, who knows how things might have turned out twenty some years down the road.

However, Washington was released by the French after the battle. He became an aid to a British General, and the conflict went on for another 11 years. Despite the early setback, Britain and the Americans went on to win. Had it gone the other way, however, the French would have taken control of the colonies, those early Americans would have become French citizens, and all of Europe would have ended up speaking German.

And despite initial claims to the contrary, no weapons of mass destruction were found then either.

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How Does One Do That Anyway?
During a campaign swing through West Virginia, Vice President Dick Cheney said that John Kerry was "out of the mainstream and out of touch with the conservative values of the heartland."

Hmmm.... Wonder if those conservative values include telling colleagues on the floor of the US Senate to go f*ck themselves?

What's Up, Chief?

There are few things in life as embarrassing for a guy as getting beaten up by a girl. Thankfully I personally have never been in such a situation, mainly because I've always managed to outrun them. That's really not all that surprising, since most girls tend to run like, well, girls.

A few days ago Andrew C. Hython found himself at Dulles Airport near DC. He decided, for whatever reason, to steal a car from the valet parking area. When he was unable to get out of the parking lot, he ran into the terminal with several parking attendants in pursuit. He then began knocking people down, kicking them, stomping on them, and making a general pest of himself. The situation quickly escalated past the usual low level physical assaults that routinely take place at airports nowadays.

Enter one Suzanne G. Devlin into the picture. The 5' 7" 150 lb. Devlin was at the airport dropping off her husband when she witnessed some of what was going on. She politely asked Mr. Hython to calm the f*ck down.

Hython made the mistake of ignoring Ms. Devlin's request, at which point she tackled the 5' 9" 260 lb. man from behind and pinned him to the ground with her knees until Airport Police finished their donuts and showed up.

Okay, okay. So I made up the part about the donuts.

Oh, one other important detail: Devlin is the acting Chief of Fairfax County Police in suburban Virginia. She was off duty, unarmed, and out of uniform at the time.

Meanwhile, once word gets around about the circumstances of his arrest, Mr. Devlin is likely to become quite, er, "popular" among the other inmates.

Ring Around the Planet

If all goes according to plan, and assuming NASA scientists didn't screw up their metric to english conversions again, the Cassini space probe will slip between two of Saturn's rings later tonight and go into orbit around the planet. It will spend the next four years there, snapping pictures, taking measurements, performing spectro analyses, conducting experiments, and desperately looking for Saddam's missing weapons of mass destruction.

In what is expected to be the mission's highlight--assuming that no ties to Al Qaeda are found--Cassini will launch the smaller Huygens probe in January. Huygens will then parachute into the atmosphere of Saturn's largest moon, Titan, and slowly descend to its surface. Scientists hope that data gathered during its descent will solve the longstanding mystery of why a satellite of Saturn would be named after an NFL football team.

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Pin Up Memoirs
I finally went out and bought a copy of Bill Clinton's book, but it looks like I'm going to end up taking it back.

Someone's already ripped out the centerfold.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star-Ledger

Quite a Bash
Death and mayhem erupted in New York earlier today when a crowd of Bush bashers coming out of a showing of Fahrenheit 911 ran into a mob of Clinton bashers protesting outside a bookstore.

Wedding Bells
Word is that part time virgin/full time vixen Britney Spears is engaged to one of her backup dancers. And Kevin Federline sounds like quite the catch, too! He already has a two year old daughter and another child in the oven with his previous girlfriend, so he obviously has experience raising a family.

This news comes a few months after Britney's quickie marriage/quickie annulment in Las Vegas. There is no word on how long the current engagement will last before the happy couple actually ties the knot. However, it appears that this time Miss Spears is not rushing into anything she may later regret, and that she wants to be truly sure that this is indeed the man she wants to spend the rest of her weekend with.

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957 Pages.... Or Less if They're Stuck Together
Much to the consternation of Clinton bashers, the former President's "My Life" has been setting sales records. Borders says it sold 50,000 copies the first day, more than twice the total of the previous non-fiction record holder, Hillary Clinton's "Living History."

Experts say this may well be the first time in well over a decade that Bill has been on top of Hillary.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Seven Of Nine Doesn't Do Sixty Nine
Illinois senatorial candidate Jack Ryan has withdrawn from the race amid allegations that he had forced his now ex-wife, actress Jeri Ryan, to participate in bizarre sex clubs. After the story broke, Ryan's chances for winning the election became about the same as the chances of success for the incoming Iraqi government.

It was not immediately clear how these recent developments will effect Ryan's career as a fictional character in various Tom Clancy novels.

Wake Me In 17 Years

The Great Cicada Invasion of 2004 has come to a close in the DC area. The neighborhoods that first experienced them have been quiet for a couple of weeks now, and by today, even the stragglers that joined the party late were silent. So in any given locale, the whole thing lasted maybe three weeks. And while some people may want me arrested for saying this, I miss their incessant sound.

Come August, the eggs that our now deceased friends laid will be hatching, and the nymphs--smaller than an ant--will literally take a leap of faith and drop to the ground. Those fortunate enough to land on soil will quickly burrow underground and find a tree root to call home for the next 16 1/2 years. The unlucky ones who land on a sidewalk, or pavement, or your car parked in the shade.... Well, they'll have had a really, REALLY short lifespan.

Though a few people did tend to freak out, the cicadas were completely harmless. They don't carry disease, they don't sting or bite, and they don't eat. Their only negatives are the noise (audio clip on this page, about 3/4 of the way down), and something called flagging, which is experienced by trees. We're seeing a lot of that now.

Flagging occurs when the leaves on the very tips of tree branches turn brown and die. That's caused by the females' laying of eggs, which involves slicing into the bark. If it occurs near the tip of a branch, where the wood is thinner, it can cause flagging. However, even that considered a benefit because it serves to prune the trees and spur more growth later on. Other benefits include turning the soil as they emerge, and releasing nitrogen as their bodies decay. Indeed, there are at least 17 other uses for dead cicadas.

But perhaps most importantly, they serve to remind us that there are still forces in nature that don't care what we silly humans do to each other (Excellent article on this topic by one of my favorite Post writers, Joel Achenbach).

When these critters last came out in 1987, it was a very different world. Not only was Ronald Reagan still President, but it was the year he delivered his memorable "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" speech. Mary Kate and Ashley were only a year old while the Bush Twins were in kindergarten and still sober. There was no internet and blogs were written on paper. Baby Jessica fell down a well. The year's top movie was "Look Who's Talking" and Bruce Willis was a TV star. Monica Lewinsky was practicing her technique on her thumb. Michael Jackson was still considered normal. Saddam was our friend, and Britney Spears.... Wait, Britney who?

And what will our world look like in May (or January, if current rates of global warming continue to hold) of 2021 when the soil temperature hits 64 degrees and a new generation of cicadas begins to emerge? Will Osama have won, and the survivors among us be living in caves? Will we talking about the good old days when gas was only two dollars a gallon? Will there still be TV's, or will the shows be beamed directly to our brains? Will President Jenna Bush be seeking to avenge her daddy's electoral loss by launching another invasion of Iraq?

Only time will tell what the future holds.

Udderly Ridiculous
In response to the skyrocketing cost of milk, the White House has announced plans to invade Wisconsin.

In an effort to head off international criticism of the move, President Bush is reassuring the world that the milk they produce "will continue to belong to the people of Wisconsin."

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Family Values
Lance E. Champion of McMinnville, Tennessee, took it upon himself to pull over a sheriff's deputy he claimed was speeding. The deputy, however, failed to see the irony of the situation and ended up arresting the 23 year old Champion on charges of disorderly conduct.

Like any good son, Lance called his mother. And like any good mother, Janice Champion came to her son's aid. Irony once again reared its ugly head, and Janice was soon found herself in jail for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

The head of the notorious crime syndicate, 47 year old Hal Champion, came straight from church to his family's aid. He ended up getting shot by a deputy's Taser and was also taken into custody.

Police are still seeking irony for additional questioning.

Adult Reading

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

As a public service, here are the opening lines to some of the greatest presidential memoirs:

Ulysses S. Grant: "My family is American, and has been for generations, in all its branches, direct and collateral."

Harry S Truman: "During the first few weeks of Franklin Delano Roosevelt's fourth administration, I saw what the long years of the presidency had done to him."

Richard M. Nixon: "I was born in a house my father built."

Jimmy Carter: "I had not been to bed since early Sunday morning, and I was discouraged and almost exhausted."

William Jefferson Clinton: "I never thought I would someday be writing a letter like this to Penthouse Forum, but a few years ago I met a young intern at the office."

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---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Rush Limbaugh: Preserving the Sanctity of Marriage

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh and his wife, Marta, are getting a divorce after ten happy years together.

Under terms of the divorce settlement, Marta will get most of their house. Rush will keep the right wing.

Space, the Final Frontier

congratulations to everyone associated with the design of SpaceShipOne, which today became the first privately developed manned vessel to reach outer space. Future test missions will include one to return Michael Jackson to his homeworld of Freakozoid in the Weirdo Galaxy.

Though today's launch did not actually include an orbit of Earth, the accomplishment is nonetheless viewed by many as crucial to truly making space travel a viable commercial enterprise, and opening it up to the common man. However, in what may be an ominous sign, Al Qaeda has already made inquiries about training people to steer spacecraft without actually learning how to blastoff.

Party Time

Ohio Democrats have selected talk show host Jerry Springer to be an at-large delegate to their national convention in August.

Apparently party leaders are expecting a lot of incestuous midget wrestler lesbian cousins at their convention this year.

Evidence? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Evidence
In response to the below cartoon, Norman writes: "Who needs evidence when you have an Anybody But Bush agenda? Saddam didn't fly the planes, but to suggest there was no connection or collaboration is pretty stupid."

Yes, I do have an "Anybody But Bush" agenda. But it's not my fault. The problem is that I've allowed myself to be brainwashed by the facts:
* No weapons of mass destruction have been found.
* No evidence of collaboration between Saddam and Al Qaeda has turned up. Even the White House admits that, but then adds that there were "longstanding contacts" between the two. Huh? At least when Clinton was arguing about the meaning of the word "is," people weren't dying left and right.
* Iraq is rapidly approaching a state of anarchy, or is already there.
* Oh and let's not forget that Bush told the world we would "go it alone" if necessary, which he did. And now that we can't handle it "alone," he has the audacity to demand that other countries send their troops in there.

We have improved nothing by going into Iraq. Indeed, we've only created even more instability in the Middle East. If you think we have high gas prices now, wait till you see what happens if the House of Saud falls.

As I've said before, we should have concentrated our efforts on Afghanistan, and if necessary, gone across the border into Pakistan. If we had done that, then we would probably have caught the son of a bitch responsible for 9/11 by now. Then we could have tied Osama's dead body to the back of a New York city firetruck, and dragged it through the streets of Manhattan, thereby achieving some sense of closure.

Had Bush accomplished that much, then I'd say fine, let's go get Saddam. Or Qaddafi. Or Kim. Or the Iranians. But instead we're still spinning our wheels in the sands of Iraq.

If we had stayed focused on Afghanistan and Pakistan, would 839 American soldiers still be dead? Possibly.

But at least they would have died defending the United States against a proven threat.

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---------------Rex Babin, Sacremento Bee

Economic Realities
As further proof that Bush has mismanaged the American economy and caused many to lose their jobs, now comes word that the 9/11 hijackers had originally planned to use ten planes but were forced to cut back to only four.

Fortunately the laid off terrorists have since found work in Iraq.

Anybody Find A Chest?

Hmmm.... Either that guy on the far right has a pair of really nice legs, or that girl on the far right has one butt ugly face.

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Speed

---------------Aaron, Magruder, Boondocks

After two years of anticipation, I've finally joined the world of high speed internet. My cable company is Adelphia, and as you probably know, it's founders are currently in jail having women point at their genitals. Consequently the company has been a little slow in catching up with the rest the industry.

I almost got it last week, but when the cable guy came out to install it, he found that the ethernet card on my laptop wasn't working properly, in addition to my computer needing more memory. I told him hey, it wasn't easy finding a Commodore 64.

Anyway, a friend of mine took care of the said issues, and I went by the cable office this morning to pick up the self-installation kit. And since I was doing a self-install this time, I had to sign a piece of paper basically saying that if I screw it up, I'll have to pay $50 to have the cable guy come back out here and fix my mistake.

The setup process went smoothly at first until I suddenly hit a dead end with the installation CD. No matter what I tried, it wouldn't finish loading. Being a patient sort of psychopath, I began screaming, cursing, and flailing my arms over my head. And since I wasn't about to shell out another fifty bucks, I was about ready to pack everything back up and take it back when I stumbled across a support phone number. So I called it, and much to my astonishment, I got an English speaking guy who actually knew what he was doing.

After having me check a couple of things on my end (is your modem plugged in, Is the cable connected to the wall, etc.), he found the problem: The person at the local cable office who gave me the self install kit neglected to activate the internet access service. In other words, the problem was on Adelphia's end.

Now in addition to being a patient psychopath, I'm also a paranoid schizophrenic, so I have to wonder if the cable guy had come out, would he have explained that it was their fault, or would he have magically "found" some other problem, fixed that, and then charged me the fifty?

Not that I'm paranoid or anything.... Where are my meds?



P.S.
Speaking of psychopaths, this week marks the 10th anniversary of O.J. Simpson's debut as a rookie homicidal maniac. In honor of this very special occasion, my 1994 "archives"
are now online.

Just Stay Away From Uranus

The Cassini spacecraft, which is due to go into orbit around Saturn on June 30, has sent back dramatic pictures of one the planet's moons, Phoebe. The photos show a pockmarked surfaced, obviously quite old and weathered.

It is not immediately clear if the other five characters from Friends look this bad without their makeup.

Yahoo! My Tuckus

Yahoo announced a month or so ago that they were increasing the storage space on their free accounts. And while they denied it, it was fairly obvious that they were doing it in response to gmail's plan to offer a full gigabyte.

Yahoo unveiled its new service today, and the whole thing has me quite peeved off. Now don't misunderstand: I have no problem with their increasing storage space to 100 MB, BUT did they also have to revamp their sign-in screen as well as the graphics on the actual email pages?

This whole thing has me quite upset. You would think the bigwigs at Yahoo would have taken the time to personally contact yours truly, maybe even buy me a cup of coffee (mocha latte, tall)(oh, and with whipped cream). But N-O-O-O-o-o-O-O-O!!! They just went off half cocked, giving absolutely no thought to the longterm consequences of their actions, and made their changes. Hell, given the reckless nature of their actions, you'd think they were Bush Administration officials invading a foreign country!

Once I get used to something, and decide I like it, no one should be allowed to touch it. I don't like change. Change confuses me, distorts my already vague notions of reality, and turns my world upside down. It makes me want to just sit in the corner with my hands over my ears, rock back and forth, and mumble incoherently to myself.

Kind of like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.

A Fatal Dose of Irony
A cameraman for KETV in Omaha was killed a few days ago while doing a story on a dangerous intersection which had been the scene of several accidents. Authorities are still investigating, but they believe that Jeff Frolio failed to see an oncoming car when he attempted to cross the road.

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Reality Sucks
NBC has announced plans for yet another reality TV series. This one will be called Iraqi Fear Factor. The object will be for contestants wearing "I Love the USA" t-shirts to run across a street in downtown Fallujah without getting shot, blown up, or kidnapped.

Despite the million dollar prize, no one has signed up yet.

Into the Sunset

---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

In stark contrast to the last 48 hours, today is a miserable, damp, and dreary day in DC. In a sense, it sums up the mood of many people in this town--indeed, the country--as the plane carrying Ronald Reagan's casket lifted off from Andrews Air Force Base. Later this evening, our 40th President will arrive in California. After a 45 minute drive to the grounds of the Reagan Library, he will be laid to rest in a ceremony intended to coincide with sunset.

And so will end our time with Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Take a Message... And a Hint

Senator John McCain said today that once the Iraqis sign their new constitution, it will send a message to other middle eastern countries that the days of religious extremism are over.

Forget Iraq. Could someone please send the same message to the Republicans here in the US?

Funeral For A Leader

Any time the President of the United States goes somewhere, he departs from Andrews Air Force Base outside DC. And when he returns home, that's where he lands. Indeed, it's a matter of routine. After all, it's the facility that hosts the planes that serve as Air Force One.

During his eight years as President, Ronald Reagan flew in and out of Andrews hundreds of times. Perhaps someone somewhere even has a precise count. But regardless of the actual number, it was his arrival at Andrews this afternoon at 4:50 PM that was to be Reagan's most memorable, for it was also to be his very last.

DC had spent the last several days preparing for its first state funeral in over 30 years. And if you look at it simply in terms of the pomp, pageantry, and solemnity of the event, and think about the logistics involved in pulling it off, it's all very impressive. The army's Third Infantry, which handles funerals at Arlington National Cemetery, performed its duties today with nothing short of complete precision and total dignity.

But the impressive ceremonies are only a small part of the story.

We all saw the images of people lining the roads in California as Reagan's hearse went by, and more of the same was expected here. However, I don't think anyone thought it would occur on the scale which it did. Literally hundreds of thousands of people braved the day's oppressive heat and lined both sides of Constitution Avenue for a momentary glimpse of the coffin. And despite all those thousands of people, there was complete silence as the casket was moved from the hearse to the caisson, and continued on to the Capitol.

Our 40th President certainly had his naysayers, and that's fine. There's always someone somewhere blaming everyone else for the world's problems. But what was seen in downtown DC today were the multitudes of ordinary Americans who loved and respected Ronald Reagan. They came out to offer their heartfelt thanks, and their final goodbyes.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

P.S.
Ever wonder what's going through the minds of those service men and women who provide the backdrop for these stately and somber proceedings? Stephen Hunter normally writes movie reviews for the Washington Post. Today, however, he has penned a piece about Dwight Eisenhower's funeral, and his own brief tour in the Third Infantry at the time. It's worth reading.

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Some People still Don't Get It
In the latest bit of evidence that some people are just too stupid to be allowed to mingle with the rest of society, Lilia Belkova refused to heed flight attendant's instructions to put down her cell phone as her plane began to taxi towards the runway. Then one of the two Air Marshals on board repeated the request, and Ms. Belkova slapped him upside the head.

Bad idea.

Ms. Belkova is currently in a Miami area jail awaiting arraignment. No word on whether she still has her phone, which in this case would give new meaning to the term cell phone.