Just Say Boo

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

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Here Kitty, Kitty
It is unfortunate that the story of Bobo the escaped tiger turned out the way it did. Steve Sipek, his owner, is calling the shooting of the animal "murder" and claims that Bobo was completely harmless. "He had a heart of gold."

Yeah, right. And I'm sure Roy Horn considered Montecure the White Tiger to be completely harmless as well.

The responsibility for Bobo's death rests entirely on Sipek's shoulders. Seriously: What kind of idiot keeps a wild 750 pound man-eating animal in his backyard as a pet? Does Sipek have something against goldfish? If I'm carrying a shotgun and an animal weighing more than Oprah during one of her fat phases decides to lunge at me, the only question is going to be whether to shoot first and then shit my pants, or shit my pants first and then shoot.

This story reminds me of the guy in the DC area a few years ago who was bitten by his pet cobra. The hospital had to scramble to round up enough antivenom from around the country to save his life. A few days later we came to find out that the same thing had happened to this same guy a few years earlier. What? He didn't learn his lesson the first time?

Now I'm sorry, but if you're stupid enough to keep a pet cobra, you don't deserve to live. Seriously. And whatever you do, don't reproduce. We don't need your sperm contaminating the rest of the human gene pool.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go feed the five foot pet alligator I keep in my bathtub.

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Mr. Smarty Pants
A lot of people have gotten caught up in the saga of Ken Jennings, who last night broke the one million dollar mark on Jeopardy!. In so doing, he has set a new record in total winnings for the geek oriented game show. But is this necessarily all that impressive an accomplishment? I think not, and in fact, it only serves to demonstrate that the guy is a moron.

Think about it: Jennings has now been on for 30 consecutive nights. And since they tape five episodes a week, that's six weeks of his life that he has wasted pursuing the million bucks. Additionally, he has had to answer hundreds of questions along the way.

This fool could instead have gone on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, answered a dozen or so questions, and still ended up with the same amount of money. Plus, it would have taken him all of 15 minutes--20 tops--to do it!!!

HA!!! Smart, indeed.