Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Forget Area 51--The Aliens Are In Utah

One of the questions man has long pondered is whether we are alone in this vast universe of ours. Personally, I believe it's rather arrogant to think that we are. But the goal of finally settling the debate with irrefutable truth--one way or another--remains a long way off. I'm doing my part for science by constantly running the seti@home program on my computer.

But instead of looking to the skies for the answer, perhaps we should look closer to home. Perhaps aliens--however dimwitted--have been living among us for years. How else to explain what is going on in Randolph, Utah?

Randolph is a small town some 100 miles or so north of Salt Lake City. And while President Bush's approval ratings have dropped to 42% nationally, admiration for him remains at a healthy 61% in Utah . And in Randolph, that approval rating is virtually unanimous.

In fact, while Bush squeaked by with barely over half of the popular vote in 2004, Utah's citizenry voted for him with a 71% majority. Randolph has the distinction of having the highest margin for the President of any community in the state: 95.6%! This, of course, raises the question of why.

Doesn't it matter to these folks that this President of the United States led them into a war with questionable justification, while allowing the butcher who slaughtered 3,000 of their fellow citizens on 9/11 to remain free?

Doesn't it matter to them that this President, who has repeatedly sworn to protect the lives of Americans, ignored advance warnings of a major disaster last summer and allowed 1500 people to drown like dogs?

Doesn't it matter to these people that this President has betrayed the core principles of the Republican party and allowed to the Federal government to become even more bloated, to extend its control over the everyday lives of ordinary Americans, and to run up record deficits?

No, apparently not, and the only reasonable explanation for their continued faith in this President is that they are from another freaking planet.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Don't Forget To Duck When He Campaigns

Virginia is a fairly conservative state, mostly rural, and home to the National Rifle Association's headquarters. Given all that, the state's politicians treat gun control as something to be feared almost as much as bird flu. Until recently, Virginia residents were even allowed to carry licensed firearms into the state capitol.

And one of the chief advocates of this loose policy is John S. "Jack" Reid, a delegate from Henrico county near Richmond. He's conservative, Republican, and very much in favor of totin' guns for protection.

Mr. Reid is also just a wee bit embarrassed at the moment.

It seems that the lawmaker was removing the clip from his trusty .380 handgun in his office in the Virginia General Assembly Building when it, well, kinda went off. Fortunately no one was injured, but the bullet did manage to hit the bulletproof vest he keeps on the back of his door.

That's it. I'm moving to Canada.

Defense Contractor Mishap In Florida

A container exploded at a Florida defense contractor's facility earlier today, releasing a small amount of radioactive krypton gas. One worker suffered cuts from the explosion and was hospitalized. Another 40 employees were exposed, though no lasting effects are expected. Additionally, 30 firefighters were also tested for possible contamination. Fortunately the results came back clean.

However, the krypton gas did leave Superman in a greatly weakened state.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Another Breech Of National Security

The government of Malaysia is sending two teams of scientists into its rainforest to search for "Bigfoot." The ten foot tall manlike creature was supposedly sighted next to a river and has caused quite a stir in the nation's media.

If he is found, this would raise serious security questions here in the United States. Afterall, if Bigfoot is so reclusive, he has probably never bothered to get a driver's license. And if he has no license, how was he able to board a flight from Montana to Malaysia? And was he carrying toenail clippers in his carry-on luggage when he did so? Most importantly, if airport screeners can't keep a giant hairy manlike creature--armed with a sharp personal hygiene tool that could easily be turned into a lethal weapon--from sneaking onto an airplane, what assurance do we, the general public, have that they can stop Islamic terrorists from doing the same!?!?!

Damn Bush administration can't do anything right.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Friday, January 27, 2006

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Upcoming Sequels

One of the biggest complaints about Hollywood films lately has been the total lack of originality. It seems like when one of the studios does get lucky with a hit, suddenly everyone else has to get on the bandwagon and make copycat versions. Inevitably, the end result is that the idea gets trampled into the ground, and all the movie executives are left scratching their heads wondering what went wrong, and once again bitching about how ticket sales are down.

This vicious cycle appears to be repeating itself yet again. One of the surprise hits to emerge the last few weeks is Brokeback Mountain, a low budget film about two gay cowboys. It was originally released as an arthouse favorite but has now suddenly hit it big a "mainstream" film. The movie has been garnering a lot of critical praise, has captured a number of important awards, and is a favorite Oscar contender.

And in keeping with tradition, Hollywood studios are falling all over one another trying to capitalize on the concept. Here are just a few of the upcoming ripoffs:

Here's the Red State Update review of "Brokeback Mountain".

Here's the trailer for the upcoming Tom Cruise epic, Bareback Top Gun.

Then there's also Brokeback Trek (from the movies), Broke Trek (from the original series), and Brokeback Enterprise (from STNG).

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Careful What You Wish For

I admit I sometimes pick on President Bush. Well, okay, maybe a lot. I sometimes even call him an incompetent baboon who would starve to death if Dick Cheney weren't there to peel his bananas for him. But I'm also big enough to admit when I've been wrong, and this is one of times.

One of the justifications Bush came up with for the invasion of Iraq--after that WMD thing kinda fell through--was the idea of spreading of democracy throughout the middle east. If we could just replace those crazy Islamic dictatorships with democracy, and America will automatically become a safer place.

And it turns out that Bush was apparently right. Democracy IS spreading throughout the middle east as more and more countries hold elections!

Okay, so it's the America-hating Islamic fundamentalists like Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood who have been gaining power in these elections, but at least we'll all be killed by democratically elected terrorists!

I feel better already.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Sometimes I feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Avast Ye Mateys!

Is this still 2006, or are we back in the 1600's? A U.S. Navy guided missile destroyer actually pursued and captured a pirate ship in the Indian Ocean near Somalia. This comes about two months after a cruise ship was attacked in the same general area. In that case, a rocket propelled grenade was fired at the Seabourne Spirit. Although it did explode on the deck, no passengers were injured.

No word on whether the prisoners will have to walk the plank.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Friday, January 20, 2006

Speaking Of American Idols...

In a past life--around 1978 or so--I went to work at a record store called Harmony Hut at Springfield Mall in Virginia. Shortly thereafter I learned about the infamous Leif Garrett in-store appearance.

Who, you young whipper-snappers ask? Garrett was some young pretty-boy singer at the time. You can think of him as a one person version of the New Kids on the Block, if that helps. And if you're too young to remember them, you really shouldn't be reading this site. It's probably past your bedtime.

Anyway, his record company scheduled Garrett to do an autograph signing at the store. The people organizing the thing apparently figured a few dozen people would show up to get his signature.

Boy, were they wrong! In fact, their predictions were almost as wrong as the Bush Administration's predictions about Iraq.

The day of the Garrett appearance thousands of screaming teenage girls showed up at the store. Things quickly deteriorated as mall security found itself unable to manage the situation. There was lots of pushing and shoving and general mayhem, and the appearance was quickly aborted. Garrett was rushed out of the store through the loading dock while employees desperately tried to close the store. The sliding glass doors actually ended up being shoved out of their tracks by the force of the screaming mob.

During the two years I worked there, we had a few other lesser known singers and groups do appearances, and none ever came even close to creating the pandemonium unleashed by Leif Garrett.

He eventually faded from the public's consciousness, replaced by "talents" like Rick Springfield and Shaun Cassidy. I've occasionally wondered whatever became of Garrett, and now I know.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

A Sheep Is One Thing, But Rodents?

So.... Have any of you typed any potentially embarrassing search terms into Google lately? Let's hope not, because the Bush Administration is trying to subpoena the search engine giant to turn over records of search terms.

Uh-oh.... Quick, does anyone know if it's illegal to look up information on hot gerbil sex?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


So what's next for the United States after Iraq? Iran would certainly seem to be a tempting target. After all, they are restarting their nuclear program and thumbing their noses at world opinion.

Well, okay, we thumbed our noses at world opinion too, but that's besides the point.

But an invasion of Iran would only further inflame the middle east, and we'd have those damn suicide bombers to contend with again.

So how about North Korea? They're evil. They've got an illegal nuke program. Their people are enslaved and would no doubt greet us as liberators just as the citizens of Iraq did. Ah, but Seoul and it's eight million people are only like 27 miles from the border, and would likely get leveled in any outbreak of hostilities.

Russia? They've been getting a little big for their britches lately and probably need to be reminded there's only ONE global superpower now. On the other hand, they already have a whole crapload of nuclear missiles and probably wouldn't hesitate to use them.

I know! Let's invade Canada!!!! They're always sending their cold air masses down into the United States, so those damn Canucks are an obvious threat. Plus, half the country is French, so they'd surrender without a fight. And what's the rest of Canada going to do if hostilities do break out? Unleash a heard of moose in our direction? Cut off their supply of hockey players? Piss in the Molson?

Hey, don't laugh. It turns out we've long had plans to invade our northern neighbors should the need ever arise.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

What's Your Sign, Baby?

Scientists continue to argue about why the universe is still expanding. According to the big bang theory, gravity should eventually cause that expansion to cease, and everything will then collapse back in on itself.

The problem is, however, that there is no sign of that happening. In fact, new evidence seems to suggest that the rate of expansion is actually continuing to accelerate, and scientists are baffled as to why. But in an effort to hide their ignorance, they come up with fancy terms like dark matter and the Cosmological Constant to try and make sense of it all. But guess what? Those are nothing more than just more theories.

It is time for the so-called "scientific establishment" to admit the uncomfortable truth: Astronomy is nothing but an unproven theory, and our institutions of higher learning should instead start teaching astrology.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Fun Facts About Jack Bauer

Here's a list of fun facts about 24's Jack Bauer. Some samples:
*It is a little known fact that Jack Bauer's tears cure cancer. The problem is Jack never cries.

*If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

*If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.

*Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Hmmm.... I'm sure that it's only a coincidence that the Jack Bauer list so closely resembles a list of facts about Chuck Norris.

Not that I'm complaining, Jack.

Where's My Geiger Counter?

Anti-nuclear protesters are in Florida demonstrating against NASA's launch of the New Horizons probe, which, barring an accident which would release the spacecraft's plutonium fuel and wipe out all life on Earth, except for Pat Robertson, who would be protected by God, will.... um.... Where was I?

Oh, right. The New Horizons probe is scheduled to launch tomorrow and eventually rendezvous with Pluto.

The launch is coming just a few days after the successful return of the Stardust capsule. That mission collected dust from a comet's tail, and made a pinpoint landing in the Utah desert early Saturday morning after traveling 2.9 billion miles over the course of seven years,.

Assuming the Pluto mission launches successfully, NASA is expected to begin negotiations to explore a number of Hanna-Barbara characters as well.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

The Argument For A 25 Hour Day

Tonight's THE big night for rabid 24 fans. The fifth season of the absurdly fast-paced action show was supposed to start at 8 PM (eastern), and guess what? The Carolina/Chicago game is running long. Consequently, the start of 24 will be delayed, which is bad enough. What's worse, however, is that the END of the show will now take place some time after 10. Anyone who's not at home to watch it and is hoping to catch it via VCR or DVR tomorrow is going to be really, REALLY pissed!

Personally though, I couldn't care less. I watched the first season back in 2001 and got hooked on it. But then late in the 23rd and final hour Nina shot and killed Jack's wife. After three years of intense psychotherapy I finally got over the trauma of that plot twist, but I remain reluctant to get sucked back into the show lest my delicate psyche once again end up shattered into a million pieces.

And don't EVEN get me started on Jack's daughter Kim. My God!! How dimwitted can a girl be? Talk about your stereotypical blonde!!! Is it even possible to get kidnapped three times in the course of one day? Well, unless you're in Iraq, I mean.

But even more importantly, there's the time factor. If I were to start watching 24 again, I would be committing myself to watching it every single week for the next six months. I'm already having a hard enough time keeping up with Lost, Invasion, House, Battlestar Galactica, Smallville, and a number of half hour comedies. Then in March HBO will be launching new seasons of The Sopranos and Deadwood. And let's not even get into the two Netflix DVD's that have been sitting on top of my TV since last September.

On top of all that, I also have to find time to complain about how I never have enough time to do anything except complain about how I never have enough time.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

No Word Whether It's Going To Be Blonde

Sweden is developing a female crash test dummy, the theory being that women's bodies react somewhat differently in collisions. This is an important step forward towards the goal of safer automobiles, and I plan to buy one of them just as soon as they're available. A dummy, I mean, not a car.

And no, I don't plan to use it in my car.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Howard Stern: Taking Hostages Now?

So I'm reading today's USAToday when I stumbled across this little gem from Jerry Hennen of Fargo, ND in the Letters to the Editor section:
"It makes me sick to see Howard Stern, a 50-something divorced man, now make millions being the world's dirtiest, filthiest-talking radio show host ("No expletives deleted," Life, Tuesday).

Now Stern has no rules, no regulations, no restrictions. Now he can say the "f" word 100 times in an hour, if he chooses. Now he can belittle the crippled and others who need help. He no longer has the Federal Communications Commission to watch over his filth.

So, look out America, your 12-year-olds are going to learn a lot as Stern peddles sex talk as never before."

OMIGOD!!!! Someone call the cops!!!!! Apparently Stern has kidnapped poor Mr. Henner, tied him up, put a gun to his head, and deprived him of his freedom to choose by forcing the helpless man to listen to his radio show!

How much lower can Stern go?

And He Didn't Even Need Viagra

A 64 year old Wisconsin man has been arrested after he admitted to using calves for sexual gratification. Of course, that's only sick if he was using male calves.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

So Who Set him up This Time?

Former DC mayor Marion Barry, who was famously set up by a bitch some 15 years ago, has tested positive for cocaine use. The recent tests were mandated by the courts after Barry pleaded guilty on tax charges.

It's really not all that surprising. Once someone is hooked on Coke, it's almost impossisble to break free of its evil lure. It can easily end up costing you your friends, your career, your, dignity, your health, and eventually your life.

That's why I only snort Diet 7-Up.

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Fourteen more people in Turkey have tested positive for bird flu. So far all the cases appear to have been contracted directly from poultry rather than from another human, which is good news. Even so, the fact that the disease has now been confirmed in Europe is an ominous sign, and migratory birds are suspected to be the culprit.

Damn!! If only those birds hadn't been intelligently designed to migrate, none of this would be happening!

Panic also appears to be spreading among the populace. Turks throughout the country have been flocking (flocking, get it? HA HA!) to hospitals concerned that they may be sick with the deadly disease.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Mouse Hunt

A New Mexico man caught a mouse in his house. Since he had a pile of burning leaves out in the yard, the guy decided, "What the heck, I'll just throw the mouse in the pile and get rid of it like that." Well, the mouse apparently liked it just fine inside the house.... Because that's exactly where the little fellow ran to after he emerged--in flames--from the leaves.

By the time it was all over, the house and all its contents were a total loss.

No word on the condition of the mouse.

Monday, January 09, 2006

XM Vs. Sirius: A Review Of Both

After months of hoopla, Howard Stern finally debuted on Sirius satellite radio this morning. Surprisingly, the sky did not fall, the Earth did not stop spinning, and God did not personally descend from the heavens to smite anyone who might be listening.

Throughout the weekend and into this morning, all you could hear was the sound of a beating heart on Sirius' channel 100. That all changed at 6:00:30 A.M. (they ran just a bit late) when the beats were replaced by the thunderous crescendos of "Also Sprach Zarathustra".... As done to farting noises. Yes, it truly captured the solemnity and dignity of an important moment in radio history.

George "Sulu" Takai then came on in the role of announcer, and it fell to him to be the first to break the old taboos when he concluded his spiel with "Freed from terrestrial radio, no more bullshit!"

As for Howard, it took a surprisingly long 24 minutes for him to drop the F bomb himself.

Personally, I don't care that much for Stern. He's pompous, arrogant, and spends most of his show talking about how great he is. On the other hand, he hates George W. Bush, so the man can't be all bad.

Now at this point, some of you may be saying, Hey Lugosi, didn't you say last summer that you were disappointed with satellite radio, and that it wasn't for you?

No, I never said that. And if denying one's original words and attempting to rewrite history for a gullible public is good enough for the White House, it's certainly good enough for me....

Well, okay, if you're going to threaten to indict me, then yes, I did say that. I did try Sirius for a couple of weeks and ended up being disappointed with how easily the signal could be lost. But after I returned the unit, I decided to give XM a shot and ended up being quite pleased. Yes, its signal could still be interrupted by obstructions, but the problem was much less frequent.

Both satellite services rely on ground based retransmitters in urban areas. Consequently, both XM and Sirius fare quite well in big cities. The real test comes once you're out in the country.

Even if you're driving down the highway at 60 mph and go under an overpass, the Sirius unit will lose the signal for a moment. XM, on the other hand, has no problem with brief obstructions. For its signal to drop, you have to be in bumper-to-bumper traffic at 25 mph while passing under a bridge. Those extra couple of seconds without the signal will cause a corresponding interruption in the audio.

Trees and thick foliage are also a problem for Sirius. XM, once again, handles such obstructions much better.

I should note that when I called to cancel my Sirius service last summer, the guy in their customer service department said it sounded like maybe I had a bad unit. However, the radio I have now is a different model and it is still just as bad on the highway. But since there are no leaves on the trees at the moment, that's not currently an issue. We'll see how it does in a few months once everything turns green again, but there doesn't seem to be any reason to expect the new radio to do any better.

So if I was so disappointed with Sirius, why did I get another radio? Two words: Bruce Springsteen. I found out that Sirius had added a channel dedicated entirely to The Boss, and I immediately had to hightail it down to Circuit City. So yes, I currently have two satellite radios in my car. And I hate to think what all that radiation is doing to my sperm count.

In terms of the music choices, both XM and Sirius are comparable. They each have something on the order of 75 or 80 commercial free music channels. Each one tends to be narrowly focused. For example, there are separate channels for older classic rock, newer classic rock, deep album rock, etc.

The one exception to that is that is the Super Shuffle channel on Sirius. It can go from Lynard Skynard to Hank Williams Jr. to Olivia Newton-John to Frank Sinatra. Every now and then some rap piece will come on, and that's usually my cue to switch over the Big 80's.

As far as sports are concerned, XM has major league baseball while Sirius has the NFL. That means you can tune into any game as they're being played. Moreover, you can usually find each team's usual radio guys covering the games. So like during this past Saturday's Redskins-Buccaneers playoff game, I had a choice of listening to the radio guys who usually broadcast Washington's games on the local FM station OR I could tune in to the Tampa Bay guys covering the game. It's interesting how you can get different perspectives on the exact same game by doing that.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Welcome To Wal-Mart, Massah

In a story I had previously missed, it turns out Wal-Mart is trying to get into the banking business.

Well, that's nice. Now heavily armed bank robbers can be met at the door by an 82 year old greeter with a smiley sticker on his vest.

Speaking of the world's largest corporation/slayer of mom & pop stores/exploiter of minimum wage workers/supporter of child slave labor in third world countries, Wal-Mart is coming off a bad week. Last Thursday visitors to the company's website who attempted to order a DVD of Planet of the Apes were asked if they would also like to order a Martin Luther King video, or movies about black boxing legend Jack Johnson and black actress Dorothy Dandridge. Likewise, customers clicking on those titles were also asked if they wanted to purchase Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Needless to say, the outrage was immediate and overwhelming, and the whole sad affair raised a very serious question: Who the hell would want to buy a copy of Planet of the Apes in the first place?

Conservative? What Conservative?

Once again, Gary Trudeau has captured my feelings perfectly.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

A Farewell To Zeta

Tropical Storm Zeta has died way out in the open Atlantic, finally putting to rest the memorable 2005 hurricane season. It was the 27th named storm of the year, breaking the 1933 record of 21. Zeta was also the longest-lived storm to form in December and cross into January of the following year. Overall, the year also saw 14 full-scale hurricanes, surpassing the previous record of 12 set in 1969. It was also the first time that the naming system had to utilize the Greek alphabet.

Any cyclones that form in the Atlantic at this point will fall under the 2006 list of names, beginning with Alberto. Officially, hurricane season starts on June 1.

Look Out!! Pat Robertson Has Opened His Yap Again!!

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was felled by a stroke a major stroke earlier this week, and his prognosis does not look good. Now world renown televangelist and all-around nutcase Pat Robertson has weighed in, saying that Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land."

Oh, is that what happened? I thought that maybe the fact that Sharon is 77 years old and seriously overweight may have had something to do with it. Then again, I'm no medical expert like Mr. Robertson, so what do I know?

Friday, January 06, 2006

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Prepare To Be Offended

I've been sitting here for the last hour trying to decide if I'm cruel enough to do this to you, my vast readership of um, a dozen or so people. Then it finally occurred to me that hey, I've never actually met any of my readers (Well, except for the cop who was posing as a 14 year old cheerleader in that chatroom, but that's a post for another day), so why should I care if I offend any of you? That's why I decided to pull my pants back up and start typing.

So.... If you care to check it out, here is the world's funniest blonde joke. Enjoy.

Terror Suspect Detained

Alert ticket agents at the Continental Airlines ticket counter in Houston may have recently averted a major terrorist strike in the United States.

The drama began to unfold when a passenger named Edward Allen attempted to board a flight to New York. His name turned out to be on the Federal government's no-fly list. Allen was immediately detained and questioned for several hours. Suspicions grew when the alleged perpetrator was unable to provide a drivers license. Nevertheless, Allen--who no doubt was a well trained and highly disciplined Al Qaeda operative--stuck to his ridiculous story of being a four year old toddler.

I feel safer already.

Pass The Spyware Catcher

Palm, Inc. has unveiled its new Treo smartphone, the high-tech industry's latest attempt to extort even more money out of us. The Treo 700w makes checking email and wireless web surfing easier than ever by integrating the Windows operating system into the phone itself.

Great. Just what the world needs: A mobile phone that can be immobilized by every god-forsaken internet virus and worm that comes down the pike.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A Growing Market For Soap On a Rope

Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty to another set of felony charges today, this time in the state of Florida.

In response to the growing scandal, a number of congressmen from both parties have begun returning contributions they had received from the former lobbyist. Even President Bush has been touched by this recent turn of events as his campaign gave back $6,000.

It's damn noble of all these politicians to be tripping over one another in an effort to return the tainted funds. Of course, some cynics may argue that it would have been even MORE admirable if they hadn't taken the money in the first place, but that's just silly. After all, it's only a crime if you get caught.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Watch Your Step

Former lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who is at the heart of the influence peddling scandal threatening several members of congress, has pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy, tax evasion, and mail fraud. He is expected to get a reduced sentence provided he cooperates with prosecutors still investigating the case.

In a related matter, United States Capital Police are warning that floors inside the building are extremely slippery because of increasing volumes of sweat pouring off of congressmen.

Dubya, You're Doing A Heckuva Job

I pick on President Bush a lot, and, well, he deserves most of the time. But in the interest of journalistic fairness, I am also fully prepared to congratulate him when he receives a prestigious honor.

This is one of those times.

A group known as the Global Language Monitor, a nonprofit group that monitors language use, has selected Bush's "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job" as the top quote by anyone in 2006. You may recall that Bush uttered those now famous words in support of then FEMA Director Michael Brown even as citizens of one of America's greatest cities were wading through chest high water, pushing floating dead bodies out of their way, in a desperate bid to get to the so-called "safety" of the Superdome.

Yes, our government's response--and our President's assessment of the situation--was something our nation can be proud of for years to come. Granted, some people were critical of the Federal government's allegedly slow response, but what else were they supposed to do? Turn on the Weather Channel two days before Katrina hit to see what was about to happen? Or turn on virtually any broadcast or cable news channel in the days immediately after to see what was happening in the streets of New Orleans?

No, of course not. Bush was much too busy protecting Americans against the scourge of terrorism to worry about protecting us against a natural disaster that had been warned about for years. So what if citizens of one of the richest countries on Earth were reduced to drowning like rats in the streets of some third world city? It is much more important to conduct domestic surveillance without the approval of Congress or the courts in an effort to protect our liberties than it is to actually save lives by immediately getting every helicopter within a thousand miles of New Orleans in the air and enroute to a drowning city.

Yes, I'm damn proud to have George W. Bush as my leader.

Monday, January 02, 2006


Remember Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame? They are the couple at the heart of the CIA leak investigation, as a prosecutor struggles to determine who in the White House may have illegally revealed Plame to be a CIA agent.

Well, the couple was recently on their way to begin a vacation with their five year old twins when one of the kids announced "My daddy's famous, my mommy's a secret spy."

That's it. Throw the little blabbermouth in jail until he's old enough for college!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

The Ol' In & Out

The Washington Post has come out with the 2006 edition of its annual What's In and Out List. As always, being up on the latest in news, fashions, and trends helps.... Which is probably why I don't get so many of them.

Dave Barry's official history of the past 12 months, 2005: A Year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, is also out.