Thursday, September 30, 2004

Batter Up!
Batter up!!!I've never been much of a baseball fan, and what little I know of the game comes from repeated listenings of Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

The Washington Senators left DC in 1971 when I was but a wee little lad. Perhaps if they hadn't departed for Texas, and I had grown up with them constantly in the news, I would feel differently about the game.

That said, I'm glad we're finally getting a team again. This city has changed a lot in the last 33 years. The DC metropolitan area is the 8th largest TV market in the nation and the biggest without a MLB team. And if a city like Cincinnati--the 33rd largest market--can have a baseball team, well by gosh, then we deserve one as well!!!!

The team still doesn't have a name, however. The name "Senators," which seems to be the top choice of most DC residents, is still controlled by the Texas Rangers. It's unclear at this point if they would be willing to relinquish control. Other suggested names that have popped up on various radio call in shows are the "Washington Monuments," the "Washington Statesmen," and the "Beltway Bandits." Personally I'd like to see them called the "Washington Money Grabbing Politicians Who Steal Our Hard Earned Money And Go Out And Hire Interns Who Can't Type Worth A Damn But Look Really Good In Kneepads."

Of course, we'd probably need bigger baseball caps.




New Warnings for Florida
Astronomers have issued a warning to residents of southern Florida that Asteroid Bertha, currently a category III space rock, is expected to strike the Miami/Dade County area sometime this weekend. Beleaguered residents begin boarding up their windows.

Meanwhile, those living in the Tallahassee area are being warned to keep a wary eye on tropical meteorite Charlene, currently orbiting the Gulf of Mexico but likely to begin moving towards the Florida panhandle.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

An Assteroid Kicking
Florida residents can breath a sigh of relief as Asteroid Allison has safely missed Earth.

In a related matter, Vice President Dick Cheney warns that if John Kerry is elected, mankind will be obliterated by a comet.


One Wet Chick
Well, Jeanne certainly proved to be a wet one. The former hurricane and now tropical depression came through DC yesterday and dumped one hell of a lot of water on us. The "official" total recorded at Reagan National Airport was 2.6 inches, but areas to the west of the city were far in excess of that. For example, good ol' nearby Remington, which got hit by a tornado when Ivan's remnants rolled through the area 12 days ago, ended up with 5.6 inches yesterday. And while Jeanne was guilty of causing far more flooding than Ivan, at least she didn't drop any tornados on us.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Ivan, as you may recall, made landfall along the Alabama/Florida border, traveled up the east coast, and went back out to sea. But it wasn't quite done yet, as the stubborn storm went south again, crossed Florida, restrengthened in the Gulf of Mexico, and hit Texas as a tropical storm this past weekend. Ivan has since rained itself out and dissipated.

And Ivan has an additional claim to fame: It's 22 day lifespan ties it with 2002's Kyle for third place on the list of longest-lived hurricanes.


Maybe He Thought the Bottle Was the Baseball
Los Angeles center fielder Milton Bradley lost his cool last night when a fan threw a bottle at him. He left his position, picked up the bottle, and threw it back into the stands. The umpire, however, wasn't too thrilled with this new game strategy and ejected Bradley from the game.

This whole incident is unfortunate for everyone involved. But if Bradley can't control his temper, he should just get out of baseball and go back to making board games.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution


Damn Cowboys
It was a dark and dreary day in DC today, and not just because of the weather. You see, we Washington Redskins fans are usually easy to please. We don't ask for much except for our favorite them to beat the evil Dallas Cowboys whenever the two teams meet. Failing that, at least beat the bastards when they come to DC.... Especially when the game is on national freakin' TV!!!!

So what did the Redskins do last night? They lost.... To Dallas.... On Monday Night Football.... 21-18.

What's even worse, the Cowboys have now beaten us 13 of the last 14 times the two teams have met. And of the 18 times that a Bill Parcells coached team has come up against Joe Gibbs, the Parcells team has won 12.

So no, today was not a good day. Personally, I was so distraught, I considered jumping off my roof. I would have done it, too, except I'm scared of heights.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Grab Your Hardhats
This is a picture of the asteroid, NOT a peanut, you moron. Why would I run a picture of a peanut?Astronomers say that the Earth will pass within a million miles of a 4.6 X 2.9 kilometer asteroid this coming Wednesday morning. Despite rumors to the contrary, scientists say they are certain it will not collide with Earth. Were it do so, however, it would likely wipe out civilization, lead to the end of humanity, and throw our planet into a massive ice age lasting tens of thousands of years.

On the plus side, it would also put a stop to those asinine reality TV shows.

The way things have been going lately, though, it wouldn't surprise me if the damn thing were to hit Florida.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger


Dear Floridians:
Congratulations!! The Sunshine State has become the first state since Texas in 1886 to be hit by four hurricanes in the same year. And these weren't puny little category 1 storms, either, but major category 3 and 4 monsters!!! This is truly something to be proud of! And in case you people haven't figured it out yet, this is God's way of warning you not to f*ck up the election again. Capeesh?

Now go clean your rooms.... Well, those of you who still have rooms, that is.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Rampant Irony
I still can't get over how Dan Rather so stupidly fell for those fake documents. What kind of idiot would do such a thing?

Rather's failures are absolutely inexcusable. Why, the only thing that could possibly be any worse would be the President of the United States falling for forged documents and using them as a basis to launch a war!

Come to think of it, why doesn't CBS do a story on that?!?

Thanks to Solar for the link.


---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Did She or Didn't She?
The funny thing is that this cartoon ran in the paper on Tuesday, and it wasn't until today that we learned that there's no marriage license to go with Britney and Whathisname's wedding.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Hmmm.... Guess Dan Rather isn't that big a dope after all!


Risen from the Dead
You remember those Friday the 13th movies? They had this guy Jason, who, no matter how many times was killed off, kept coming back.

Well, that's what our old friend Hurricane Ivan is like. He came ashore last Wednesday night in Alabama, came up the east coast, dumped ridiculous amounts of rain over a dozen states, caused a near-record outbreak of tornados in Virginia, and then went out to sea to die in the chilly waters of the north Atlantic.

From Fauquier Times-Democrat
Downtown Warrenton last Friday, about 2-3 miles from where I live.

Only he didn't.

It seems Ivan looped back down south, crossed over Florida as a rainstorm, and re-formed in warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Meteorologists say that while this is certainly unusual, it's not entirely unheard of. And while the storm's winds are a mere fraction of what it was packing last week, it is expected to be a heavy rain producer for Texas and Louisiana.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Bush administration declined to speculate on who was responsible for this colossal intelligence failure.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

And It Itches, Too
One side effect of the CBS memo fiasco is that people who write weblogs are being taken more seriously. After all, it was bloggers who first raised questions about the authenticity of the documents.

Still, certain elements of the "mainstream media" are slow to catch on to our influence. One CBS executive went as far as to say that bloggers are "loners who sit home alone in pajamas and spin fantastic tales." Needless to say, he said that BEFORE Memogate blew up Dan Rather's face.

Quite frankly, I am deeply offended by that network official's comment. It is sadly indicative of the stereotyped views many people not only in journalism but throughout society in general have of bloggers. The attitude is sickening, and it's time I did my part to correct such narrow minded ideas.

Granted, I do occasionally come up with fantastic tales. And yes, I do live alone. But to imply that I sit in front of this computer in my pajamas all day long is just plain wrong.


I don't wear pajamas.

And quite frankly, this leather chair is making my butt squeak.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Dan Rather Is Such a Putz

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I was happier than a pig in poop last week when CBS unveiled those documents about the President's National Guard service. And when the critics began to pile, I remained confident that they would be proven to be genuine. After all, we're talking about CBS News, Dan Rather, and the producers of 60 Minutes. Surely such a group of respected journalists wouldn't have jeopardized their hard earned reputations by doing a story based on phony documents!!

Man, was I wrong!!! I haven't felt this duped since the time some idiot convinced me we were invading Iraq because they had weapons of mass destruction.

The real victim in this little fiasco is a silly little concept called The Truth. At this point, even if the REAL memos did surface tomorrow, no one would believe them.

And does the truth of what happened 30 years ago really matter today? Only to the extent that if the Bush people want to question John Kerry's war record, then I think their own man's credentials need to be scrutinized as well. Lord knows there are a number of unanswered questions that even Bush himself has declined to shed light on.

---------------Tom Toles, The Washington Post

But what this campaign really needs to be about is the President's record of the past 3 1/2 years, the present situation in Iraq, and the future of our nation. Kerry needs to start talking about Bush's own "flip-flopping." For starters, he needs to remind Americans that Bush initially opposed establishing a department of Homeland Security, then turned around and supported it. And how Bush opposed the creation of an independent panel to examine the 9/11 attacks and the shortcomings that allowed it, then decided to support it. And how last fall Bush opposed extending the life of that Commission, then gave in to pressure from the 9/11 families and allowed it. And how the administration wasn't going to allow Condi Rice to testify, then gave in and allowed it. And how Bush is now suddenly embracing the recommendations of the very same Commission he initially opposed.

And on the subject of Iraq, Kerry needs to remind the people of this country of what Bush said to the insurgents last summer: "Bring them on!!" Since then, over 800 American soldiers have died in that god forsaken patch of sand and almost 7000 have been wounded. And for what? To overthrow a dictator? Big freaking whoop! Saddam wasn't a threat. We already had him contained with no-fly zones over both the northern third of Iraq and the southern third. And granted, it did take a helluva lot of pressure, but weapons inspectors finally had a free reign to do their jobs.

And now we're asked to believe that we're safer than we were three years ago? How can that be when the guy that killed 3000 Americans on 9/11 is still out there, and apparently itching to inflict even more damage on us with a new, "spectacular" attack?

Monday, September 20, 2004

Good Taste or Tastes Good?

Two of my favorite shows won big at the this year's Emmy Awards. This means either that I have impeccable taste, or that civilization has finally sunk to my level.

I love The Sopranos, and it won for best drama. Several cast members also won individual awards. Incidentally, for anyone who wants to catch the series from the beginning, HBO2 will begin showing the series from the very beginning next Monday. They're doing one episode every weeknight, so set your TiVo's now.

But the one that surprised me--and evidently surprised a lot of people--was the winner for best comedy: Arrested Development. This is a show that almost wasn't renewed because of its poor ratings. And that would have been a damn shame, because it was easily one of the funniest things on network TV the past year.

The basic storyline is that the patriarch of a very rich family has been jailed for looting the family business. Meanwhile, you have his spoiled wife is suddenly forced to do without many of the luxuries she's grown accustomed to. He also has three sons--two of whom are completely dysfunctional--and a daughter. The oldest son, Michael, is possibly the most normal of the clan. Not only is he now charged with running the company, he has to try to keep the family together while at the same time enduring the manipulations of his mother. There's a lot of quick jokes and flashbacks, which often set the stage for another joke later on.

One thing that may confuse some people: There's no laugh track. I suspect a lot of viewers have a problem with that.

Thank God They're Heterosexuals

In what can only be described as a giant leap forward for family values, Britney Spears married her latest husband Saturday evening. The wedding came as something of surprise since it wasn't expected for another month or two. Family members were aghast, industry observers were left stunned, paparazzi were caught offguard, and even the Iraqi insurgency was momentarily disrupted as the news swept the world.

The ceremony took place at approximately 7:30 PM. If the happy couple is still married at 2:30 AM Tuesday, it will be a new record for Miss Spears.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Generous to a Fault

Sure, if you look at the score of yesterday's game against the Giants, it certainly looks like the 'Skins lost 20-14. But appearances can be deceiving.

You see, Redskins coach Joe Gibbs is well known for his generosity off the field. Unfortunately, sometimes that need to give back to the community extends onto the football field, and that's exactly what happened with New York. How else can one explain seven freaking turnovers in a single game except as a profound act of selflessness? So you see, technically the Redskins did not lose that game; They gave it away.

No doubt they'll be deducting it from their tax returns next April.

Next Monday night they'll be playing the evil Dallas Cowboys on national TV, and there had damn well better not be any acts of charity performed during the game.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer


Auntie Em!! Auntie Em!!
First off, let me say that we got off easy compared to what people to our south have gone through. That said, things got very exciting around here yesterday afternoon and evening.

The first tornado warning was issued around 3 PM for the area around Remington, VA (that's where the accompanying photo was taken). Remington also happens to be about 15 miles from me. One of the local stations aired a video that a homeowner there took of the approaching twister. You can hear the guy's wife screaming in the background as he stands in his front door taping it. Then right about the time the house across the street started coming apart, the couple decided to get the hell down into the basement. They made it just before their own house was demolished. This of course raises a question: Why do some morons insist on standing out in the open with a camera when nature's full fury is bearing down upon them? Apparently, this is a rather common trait (and there are comments there despite the "0 comments" line). On the other hand, I've never personally witnessed a tornado, so I'm not sure HOW I would react.... Aside from shit my shorts, I mean.

Things quickly went downhill from there, and for the next several hours there were multiple warnings in effect at any given time.

Other twisters hit a number of other areas to the west and south of DC. One of the more dramatic ones was a funnel cloud that passed over Dulles Airport. You know how they always tell you to stay away from windows during a tornado?Dulles Airport, main terminalWell, I don't know how many of you are familiar with the main terminal at Dulles, but trying to avoid a window in that place is like trying to avoid a carbomb in Baghdad.

Needless to say, there was a mad scramble to get down to the lower level of the building.

After narrowly missing the airport, the twister did finally touch down. This was actually a good thing, since it hit the AOL office complex a few miles away and damaged several buildings. One can only conclude that Ivan was not a fan of wildly overpriced dialup internet service.

Things finally began to settle down by 9 PM, and today has turned out to be rather nice--and a helluva lot calmer.


---------------Walt handelsman, Newsday

Friday, September 17, 2004

Spin Masters
Hurricane Ivan (or at least what's left of the monster storm) is beginning to make its prescence felt in the DC area. As of about 4 PM there were three active tornado warnings west of the city, and new ones were popping up as quickly as insurgencies in Iraq.

Is That a Checkbook in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

One of the oldest and most venerable financial institutions in DC is Riggs National Bank. A number of US Presidents, including Abraham Lincoln, have had checking accounts there, and Riggs financed the US government's purchase of Alaska back in 1868. It's motto even used to be "Right on the money," because it used to appear on the back of the OLD ten dollar bill (Don't believe me? Find an older ten spot--one with the smaller portrait of Alexander Hamilton--and you'll see a picture of the US Treasury from down the street. Just behind it, poking out from around the corner, is another building. That's a Riggs branch).

Lately though, Riggs' once bright star has faded. The bank's sale to PNC out of Pittsburgh is expected to be finalized some time in the next few months. Meanwhile, Riggs officials are under investigation for money laundering on behalf of a number of foreign embassies and dictatorships.

Now former Senator and one time presidential candidate Bob Dole's name has gotten caught up in this quagmire. Federal investigators have discovered that once a week, one of Mr. Dole's assistants shows up to withdraw $8,000 cash for him. There is nothing necessarily wrong with this activity, but it has prompted the creation of a suspicious activity report.

This really shouldn't surprise anyone, though. It has long been rumored among DC's power elite that Mr. Dole is nursing a thousand dollar a day Viagra habit.

And quite frankly, I think he's been faking that whole arm thing, too.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004


Bang, Bang
In a controversial move, Congress has allowed a ten year old ban on assault weapons to expire. Predictably, the NRA says this is a good thing, since apparently many sportsmen prefer hunting wascally wabbits with submachine guns. In contrast, many liberal groups are up in arms (figuratively speaking, of course) over the matter and would prefer to see the ban continue.

But anyone with any sense can see that the average homeowner needs heavy firepower to defend his property. In fact, the nation is fortunate that George W. Bush moved so swiftly to neutralize the immediate threat posed by Iraq. Had Saddam been allowed to launch his invasion of the United States--details of which will soon be revealed by Dick Cheney--average Americans would have been powerless to defend their homes. And then where would we be?

But if we issue machine guns to every man, women and child (Well, the Republican ones, at least) we'll be able to defend ourselves against foreign hordes when they storm our beaches.... Especially those Lithuanians. They're all cocky after beating our basketball team at the Olympics, and will probably be coming after our women beach volleyball players any day now.


Batter Up
Personally, I'm not much of a baseball fan. In fact, I am in 100% agreement with Robin Williams' opinion that the game is five minutes of excitement crammed into three hours. Who wants to pay good money to watch a bunch of guys stand around scratching their nuts? Hell, I can do that at home for free by standing in front of a mirror. In fact, I often do.

Last night, however, a game between the Oakland A's and the Texas Rangers took an ugly turn when one of the Ranger pitchers--apparently upset by taunts from the California fans--heaved a chair into the stands. Two people were injured in the sudden, unexpected eruption of violence.

Hmmm.... Perhaps there's hope for baseball yet!

Monday, September 13, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution


Good Links
If you've ever wondered what makes a hurricane tick, the Washington Post had a pretty good article on the subject today. It's not terribly long, and yet goes into the mechanics of it in easy to understand language. Hell, even I could follow it!

And speaking of stormy hot air, controversy continues to swirl around the National Guard memos that CBS news reported on last week. Some experts are claiming they're fake, others are saying that they may be real because certain IBM typewriters did produce the fonts in question in the early '70's. At any rate, USAToday had a pretty good roundup of the latest facts and opinions from both sides.

But here's a question to consider: IF they are in fact fake, why hasn't the President stepped forward to say that they are? Instead the White House continues to give a variation of the "I have no recollection of the events in question" response that politicians so often fall back on.


Welcome Back, Joe
Generally speaking, Washington is a rather transient town, and loyalties are only as good as the latest poll numbers. But for longtime DC residents, there has been one constant in our lives, and it has nothing to do with Republicans, or Democrats, or Presidents, or Swift Boat Veterans for Bald Faced Lies. And that one island of continuity in a sea of constant change is the Washington Redskins.

That's why it's hard to overstate the esteem with which the name Joe Gibbs is held in this town. The man not only won three Super Bowls back in the '80's, he did with three different quarterbacks--the only NFL coach to ever do that. And when he retired back in 1993, well, people were sorry to see him go. But life goes on, right?

Well, only theoretically. During those intervening years, the Skins slipped deeper and deeper into an abyss of darkness and obscurity. The team went through a change of ownership, five head coaches, ten losing seasons, and only one playoff appearance. Even worse, we lost to the evil Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day of 2001.

And so it was that with each passing season the despair of Redskins fans deepened while the Legend of Joe Gibbs grew.

Consequently, when it was announced last winter that Gibbs was coming out of retirement, this town went nuts. Forget homeland insecurity, the presidential race, and all the pettiness that so pervades politics in DC: Coach Joe was back.

And it's not just that the man is a football genius. It's also that he is so incredibly humble and nice and understated that you want to heave your guts all over the screen of your brand new plasma HDTV. If only the people running our nation were this nice, the world would be a better place.

Thus it was only fitting that Gibbs would win his first regular season game back in the saddle.... And that it would the team's 500th franchise victory.... And that it would be his 125th career win as a head coach.

Yes, it was a close, hard-fought game. And yes, the season is young. And yes, we might well end up losing the remaining 15 games. But for now, all is right in the world of Redskins fans.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Friday, September 10, 2004

A Sad Anniversary
Today marks the third anniversary of September 10, 2001. You may recall it, for it was a day totally unlike any since. Here are just a few of the reasons 9-10-01 will be remembered for a very long time:

* There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States.

* We were able to get on an airplane without eyeing the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food.

* The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for homeland security.

* Homeland what?

* Terrorism was something that always happened some place else.

* We weren't afraid of our mail, and Anthrax was just a loud band.

* If we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled creamer.

* No one gave a damn where Afghanistan was. And what's a Taliban?

* No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And no one in Shanksville expected that anyone ever would.

* If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.

* The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.

* If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."

* The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.

* Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center.

* Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future, and our place in the world. After all, this is the United States of America, and everyone in the world loved us.

Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.

This is a variation of the entry from last Sept. 10.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

So Why Aren't the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Advertising This?
Ever since Bush's run for the presidency in 2000, he has been dogged by rumors that he not only received preferential treatment in joining the Texas Air National Guard, but that he also went AWOL from his unit. This issue gained new relevance as many of his supporters began questioning the legitimacy of challenger John Kerry's medals from his service in Vietnam. But the Bush rumors remained exactly that, with no solid evidence to back them up.

Until now.

Recently discovered records show that the reason Bush abruptly stopped flying in 1972 is that he disobeyed a direct order from his commanding officer to take a required physical. In other memos, Bush's squadron leader complains that he was under pressure from superiors to "sugar coat" Bush's evaluations.

It should also be noted that while all this was going on, George W.'s father was a congressman from Texas. Ah, but that probably wasn't a factor in any of this alleged preferential treatment. Too bad the 58,000 that did ultimately die in Vietnam didn't have such connections.

But what makes this news even more outrageous is that it comes the day after the number of troop deaths in Iraq broke the 1,000 mark.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

On the other hand, maybe Bush's weaseling out of his Vietnam service may have been a brilliant tactical move: At least he avoided any future controversies over Purple Hearts and medals for valor!!


A Visit from Frances
In previous weeks, we in the Washington area have managed to avoid the remnants of tropical storms/hurricanes Bonnie, Charley, and Gaston. Even though each of those storms were forecast to drop anywhere from 1" to 4" of rain, they kept sliding off further to the east than expected and we'd end up with a sunny day.

Yesterday, however, our luck ran out with Frances.

While the bulk of its rain went off to our west this time, we still got hammered with some pretty good storms in the afternoon (some accounts). In fact, I was at home when the tornado watch was issued shortly after noon. Now, watches generally aren't that big a deal. It's really only the warnings that you need to worry about.

So when my weather radio went off around 2 with a warning for Fauquier County, it got my attention. And when they further said the twister was in the vicinity of Warrenton--which is where I live--it not only got my attention, it walked right up and gave me a dope slap upside the head.

Now I've actually heard of morons who will go stand out on their back porch snapping pictures of approaching tornados. Personally, though, I've always been the cautious sort. So even though I could see no evidence of imminent violent weather, I decided to err on the side of caution by dragging my mattress into the bathroom and laying it on top of me while I hid in the tub. The tricky part was leaving enough of an opening to provide me with a clear line of site to the TV in the living room so I could keep playing with my new DVR.

And while the tornado did touch down a few miles away, it did no substantial damage. In other areas around DC, twisters did damage some homes in addition to uprooting trees. Fortunately, however, no injuries were reported.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drag my mattress into the bathroom again and lay it on top of me while I hide in the tub. No, there's no bad weather. It's just kinda fun.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

What's That Bursting Out of Your Chest?

NASA's "Genesis" mission has met with an unfortunate end in the Utah desert. Launched almost three years ago, the space capsule was supposed to capture solar particles from deep space and return them to Earth for study by scientists who continue to keep the pocket protector manufacturing industry in business. The plan was that after the probe's descent was slowed by a parachute, a helicopter would snag it out of midair and gently lower to the ground.

For as yet unknown reasons, the parachute apparently failed to deploy and the craft smashed into the Earth at over 100 mph. Not only were the samples destroyed, but alien microbes that can transform humans into hideous tentacled alien creatures with multiple heads hitched a ride back and have now been unleashed upon the Earth. Within a matter of weeks--possibly even days--mankind as we know it will cease to exist.

This is a damn shame, since it was only today that I finally figured out how to operate my stupid DVR working.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Fancy Running Into You Here

Actor James "Tony Soprano" Gandolfini was broadsided by a 72 year driver in New Brunswick, NJ over the weekend. Charles Collins was charged with driving under the influence and running a red light. He was not injured.... Yet.

Oddly enough, Collins' family reported him missing this morning, along with a number of large trash bags and an empty bowling ball bag.

Monday, September 06, 2004

A Warning from on High?

Frances did quite a number on eastern and central Florida over the last 30 hours or so. It has since passed into the Gulf of Mexico, where it may restrengthen back to hurricane status before striking the northern panhandle of.... Florida.

Yes, the exact same hurricane is about to strike the exact same state a second time! How freaking weird is that!?! And all this comes on top of the damage wreaked upon the alleged "Sunshine State" by Tropical Storm Bonnie and Hurricane Charley.

What's more, even after Frances finishes its handiwork in Florida, it may not be over for the state's beleaguered residents.

Please, call me Ivan the Terrible. I kinda like that.Currently off the coast of South America is none other than Hurricane Ivan. With sustained winds of 125 mph, it is currently rated as a category three storm, and is expected to pass near or over Cuba towards the end of the week. The center of the current predicted storm track takes right into southern Florida a day or two after that.

Any bets on how long before clever meteorologists begin referring to it as "Ivan the Terrible?" I'm thinking Thursday.

So what is going on with all these hurricanes? Why are they targeting Florida so often this year? True, most of the state does stick out into the ocean, making North America look like it overdosed on Viagra, but I still can't remember a year in which they have been hit this many times.

You know what I think it is? It's a warning from God to Floridians not to f*ck up the election again.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times


Tick Tock
A few days ago, I added a new feature. It's a countdown clock showing the number of days till A) The election and B) The announcement of the death or capture of Osama bin Laden (it's on the left, betwixt the weather and the terror alert color). Call me a cynic, but I strongly believe--along with many other wacko conspiracy theorists out there--that this announcement will come in October, thereby assuring President Bush's reelection. Of course, IF this does come to pass, I'm sure it will be nothing more than a wild coincidence....

That's why I REALLY went out on a limb and picked October 29, the very last Friday before election day. That way the American public will have all weekend to rejoice in this great accomplishment.

Just another of Lugosi's wild, crazy ideas, eh? Perhaps not!!

Yesterday, a US State Department official said that bin Laden should be checking his watch, because the clock is ticking.

Of course, I am the first to admit that not only is predicting bin Laden's capture/demise before Nov. 2 a longshot, but that specifying the actual date borders perilously close to full scale, unadulterated madness.

That's why IF this actually happens on October 29, I will personally shit a brick.

And you're all cordially invited to bring your cameras and record the act for posterity's sake.


---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Mother Nature's Fury
I'm certain that when Frances finally strikes Florida, the results will be absolutely devastating. Billions of dollars of damage will occur, millions of people will be left without power, tens of thousands of them will lose their homes, countless families will be torn asunder, and invariably many will die. But the horrors of Hurricane Frances are certain to be felt far beyond the borders of Florida. Indeed, I am experiencing them in a very real and personal way myself.

Earlier today someone from Adelphia Cable came out to install my DVR (essentially a generic TiVo). He got everything hooked up and then called his office to get the unit activated. Well, actually, he had to call the Adelphia office in a neighboring county because the local one here in Warrenton (Whoops--Did I just reveal where I live?) is closed on weekends. But for some reason, they couldn't get the "codes" to work. Apparently the fact that two different counties are involved was creating a problem, and the person who would know how to get around it was off for the three day weekend. So his boss suggested he call their 888 number and have customer service do it.

So the technician calls, and guess what? He gets a recording, and NOT the one that says "We value you as a customer so we're going to make you wait for an indeterminate period of time until you get so frustrated that you begin screaming obscenities and smash the phone with a sledgehammer."

No, this recording explained that Adelphia's call center in Florida is closed because of the hurricane!

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

On the other hand, I suppose I should be glad that their call center isn't located some place like Kuala Lumpur.


---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Friday, September 03, 2004

Time to Move On...? Nah.
Smooshie left a comment on the Sept. 1 post saying:

I think it is very wrong for people to do the whole "band-aid joke". However, what do you expect people to talk about when all they have heard from Kerry is his Vietnam record? I'm sick of it all! Who cares if he did or didn't deserve the Purple Heart... He was there. Enough said. Can we move onto something that wasn't 30 years ago?

Speaking for myself, no, I am most certainly NOT prepared to move on. In fact, I feel that there are some serious, unresolved issues about the French & Indian War that need to be addressed. For example, did you know that on July 3, 1753, George Washington and his men surrendered to the French? The freaking FRENCH, for crying out loud!!! How insulting is THAT?!?

The man is not fit to be President, much less help create a country.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

A New Low
Just when I think the Republican party can't possibly sink any lower, it goes and proves me wrong. Their latest stunt is despicable almost beyond words.

Some delegates at the convention have begun sporting a purple heart band-aid, the implication being that a minor cut can lead to the award.

Never mind the fact that John Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam while Bush weaseled his way into a Texas National Guard unit. And never mind that while Kerry was getting his ass shot at in Vietnam, Bush was busy disappearing from the Alabama National Guard unit to which he had transferred.

Here's a point to ponder: People who knew Kerry in Vietnam have been coming out of the woodwork, arguing back and forth about his war record. Okay, fine, but at least the man has a war record.

Yet not a single person recalls seeing George W. Bush during his time with the Alabama Guard unit? How can that be?


I understand the argument that once Kerry chose to rely so heavily on his Vietnam experience, it became fair game. But if the Republicans are going to start making snide comments about Kerry's past valor, then it's only fair that the Democrats should start talking about George W. Bush's 1976 DUI arrest. Oh, but let's not stop there! Let's go even lower and make jokes about the time in 1963 17 year old Laura Bush ran a stop sign and killed another student.