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Bang, Bang
In a controversial move, Congress has allowed a ten year old ban on assault weapons to expire. Predictably, the NRA says this is a good thing, since apparently many sportsmen prefer hunting wascally wabbits with submachine guns. In contrast, many liberal groups are up in arms (figuratively speaking, of course) over the matter and would prefer to see the ban continue.

But anyone with any sense can see that the average homeowner needs heavy firepower to defend his property. In fact, the nation is fortunate that George W. Bush moved so swiftly to neutralize the immediate threat posed by Iraq. Had Saddam been allowed to launch his invasion of the United States--details of which will soon be revealed by Dick Cheney--average Americans would have been powerless to defend their homes. And then where would we be?

But if we issue machine guns to every man, women and child (Well, the Republican ones, at least) we'll be able to defend ourselves against foreign hordes when they storm our beaches.... Especially those Lithuanians. They're all cocky after beating our basketball team at the Olympics, and will probably be coming after our women beach volleyball players any day now.

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Batter Up
Personally, I'm not much of a baseball fan. In fact, I am in 100% agreement with Robin Williams' opinion that the game is five minutes of excitement crammed into three hours. Who wants to pay good money to watch a bunch of guys stand around scratching their nuts? Hell, I can do that at home for free by standing in front of a mirror. In fact, I often do.

Last night, however, a game between the Oakland A's and the Texas Rangers took an ugly turn when one of the Ranger pitchers--apparently upset by taunts from the California fans--heaved a chair into the stands. Two people were injured in the sudden, unexpected eruption of violence.

Hmmm.... Perhaps there's hope for baseball yet!