What's That Bursting Out of Your Chest?

NASA's "Genesis" mission has met with an unfortunate end in the Utah desert. Launched almost three years ago, the space capsule was supposed to capture solar particles from deep space and return them to Earth for study by scientists who continue to keep the pocket protector manufacturing industry in business. The plan was that after the probe's descent was slowed by a parachute, a helicopter would snag it out of midair and gently lower to the ground.

For as yet unknown reasons, the parachute apparently failed to deploy and the craft smashed into the Earth at over 100 mph. Not only were the samples destroyed, but alien microbes that can transform humans into hideous tentacled alien creatures with multiple heads hitched a ride back and have now been unleashed upon the Earth. Within a matter of weeks--possibly even days--mankind as we know it will cease to exist.

This is a damn shame, since it was only today that I finally figured out how to operate my stupid DVR working.