Why I'm Embarrassed To Be An American

In a series of recent tests given to 15 year olds in 30 nations, American students ranked 17th in science and 24th in math.

Pathetic? Yes, but hardly surprising. After all, what can you expect from a nation that is raising a generation of students who haven't a clue what science even is? And if that seems like a harsh indictment, consider that a majority of Americans don't even believe in evolution. Even our President has questioned evolution. Even worse, four of the Republican candidates for President have said they don't believe in it.

Some of these clowns say they just want to teach both arguments for the origin man. What the hell does that mean? As far as science goes, there simply is no debate about evolution. Zero. None. Nada. And to insist that there is some sort of disagreement is simply a sign of one's own ignorance. And I'm sorry, but simply pointing at the Bible doesn't qualify as science.

Yet there are substantial numbers of Americans out there who seriously believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old. Never mind that everything we know about geology, biology, paleontology, continental drift, and the fossil record ALL indicate that the Earth is BILLIONS of years old. The fact that the Bible says otherwise proves that all that other stuff is simply wrong. Reason and thought are the playground of the devil. If you dare use your brain, you're going to hell.

Did you know there is a $50 million museum in Kentucky called the Creation Museum? And that they have exhibits showing humans sitting in saddles on dinosaurs? And that they maintain there were dinosaurs on Noah's ark? Not only do these people seriously believe in this crap, but they're teaching it to their children!

On the other hand, it would explain why we no longer have unicorns: They got eaten by velociraptors down in the hold of the ship.

Proponents of creationism/intelligent design simply dismiss all the preponderance of evidence that shows the last of the dinosaurs dying out 65 million years ago, as well as the equally convincing evidence that our earliest human ancestors didn't walk the Earth till two million years ago.

Now foreign students can do the math on that and come up with a difference of 63 million years. But American students? Well, forget it. Our kids ranked 23rd on those math tests. They can barely handle 2 plus two, much less 65 million minus 63 million. Besides, they're too busy trying to imagine how much fun their great-great-grandpappy must have had herding cattle on a T-Rex. Is it any wonder our kids fare so badly against foreign students?

The comedian Lewis Black jokes about the people who believe The Flintstones is a documentary. And if it was just a few oddballs, then yes, it would be pretty hilarious. But when it's a substantial percentage of your citizens, it stops being funny and just becomes downright sad.

Revelations

A massive ice storm has left several states seriously crippled. In Oklahoma alone, the state hardest hit by the wintry storm, over 600,000 were without electricity at one point. The weather has also claimed several lives. Meanwhile, much of the rest of the country remains absolutely stunned by this news.

Who knew Oklahoma even had 600,000 people!?!?!?!

Now That's What I Call Getting Even

What's Next? A Show Called 'Life In Uranus?'

Tonight marks the return of Life on Mars on BBC America. No, it's not science fiction, at least not in the traditional sense. In fact, it has NOTHING to do with our planetary neighbor.

Life on Mars is the story of Manchester police officer Sam Tyler. After being hit by a car in the present day, Sam wakes up in 1973. He eventually makes his way back to his squad room, where of course he doesn't know anyone. However, the people there were expecting a new transfer, so they accept him.

At the end of season one it still wasn't clear what was going on. Every now and then there are clues that the present day Sam is comatose and the 1973 thing is all taking place in his imagination. But most of the time, he's going about his business and slowly beginning to accept that 1973 is his new reality.

What makes the show work are the contrasts between 1973 and the present day. For example, Sam will be working on a case and he'll suggest taking DNA samples from a suspect. Of course, everyone else will look at him like he's out of his freakin' mind. On the other hand, his fellow 1973 officers don't think twice about beating the crap of a bad guy while Sam is absolutely horrified at such behavior. But beyond the differences in policing techniques, there are a lot of pop culture contrasts as well.

Then there's the female cop, Annie, who is not accustomed to the way Sam treats her: He actually respects her opinions! Such a thing was unheard of 34 years ago. There have also been hints that Sam may be falling for her, which could, of course, get complicated if it turns out he really is in a coma.

Only a total of 16 episodes were made, and supposedly all our questions will be answered when all is said and done. The show has already wrapped up its run in England, so no spoilers from overseas readers, please. That means you, Gordon.

Oh, and the significance of the title Life on Mars? That's the David Bowie song that was playing on Sam's iPod when he got hit by the car.

Word is that an Americanized version of the series is in the works. Rest assured we'll fuck it up.

Virtual Tree Hugging

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Lugosi, or whatever your name is, do you put up a Christmas tree?" And I'll say, "But of course." Then they'll say, "Is it a real tree, or one of those realistic plastic ones?" And I'll say, "Neither. It's a GIF." And then they'll say, "Have you ever wondered if it's normal to have imaginary conversations with yourself?"

Now some people may argue that it's a little weird to put a Christmas tree on a website, but I disagree. In fact, I'll go as far as to say that it makes much more sense than one in the living room.

First of all, a GIF tree never has to be watered, it won't lose its needles, and it's not a fire hazard.

You don't have to worry about what kind of replacement bulbs to buy.

Nor do you have to worry about the cat f*cking with it.... Well, unless the cat gets a hold of your computer password.

And have you thought about how many hours you invest in putting up a tree in your house? At least an hour or two going to the Christmas tree lot, trying to decide between the blue spruce and the white pine, tying it to the top of the car, losing it on the highway on the way home, watching in you mirror as several cars pile into one another after trying to dodge the tree, praying no one caught your license plate number, going to a different lot to buy another tree, schlepping it home.

Then you take at least another hour arguing with your wife about whether the tree is lopsided and which side is fuller. Then you have to decorate the stupid thing with strings of lights and various other ornaments. And that assumes you don't have to take another two hours untangling the strings of lights, only to get frustrated and drive down to the drug store to buy a whole new set of lights.

Finally, there's the four hours you have to spend in the emergency room after you fall off the ladder while trying to pound the stupid freakin' angel onto the top of tree.

And after all that work, how many people are actually going to see the stupid thing? A couple of dozen, if that many? After all, it's hidden inside your house!

But with a GIF tree, you click the mouse a couple of times and that's it, you're done! Thank you very much and please pass the eggnog!

Most importantly, MY tree is out there for the ENTIRE world to see!! And I named it Mohammad, just to piss off the Muslims!

I just hope it doesn't get me kicked off the Atheist Blogroll.

Christmas In Fallujah

Billy Joel has come out with a new song called "Christmas in Fallujah." Concerned that his voice is getting old and consequently wouldn't do the song justice, Joel enlisted an unknown singer named Cass Dillon to perform it. The song is quite powerful, and there is no doubt that many people will take offense to its heavy political overtones. It should also be noted, however, that the proceeds are being donated to a charity that benefits severely wounded soldiers.

For now the song is only available on iTunes. Here's the video:

Going For That Retro Look

"A Date Which Will Live In Infamy"

Today marks the 66th anniversary of the surprise Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. In one bold move, Japan succeeded in all but eliminating the United States' Pacific fleet. The next day President Franklin Roosevelt delivered his famous 'infamy' speech. Through the sheer force of his personality, FDR quickly rallied a shaken nation. The rest is history.

On the other hand, if George W. Bush had been President in 1941, he would have responded to Pearl Harbor by pronouncing the word as 'infimious' and attacking Finland.

Revisionist History

So who rushed us into the Iraq war? Well, if you ask Karl "Jaba the Hut" Rove, it was.... Congress!?!?!?!

In a recent speech, the former presidential adviser said that the Bush administration was opposed to a congressional vote on deposing Saddam prior to the 2002 elections because they didn't want to "politicize" the debate.

The record shows, however, that it was the Democrats who wanted to delay the vote until AFTER the United Nations Security Council acted on the matter. Asked about that very topic on Sept. 13 of 2002, President Bush himself who was pushing for an early vote from Congress:

"If I were running for office, I'm not sure how I'd explain to the American people -- say, 'Vote for me, and, oh, by the way, on a matter of national security, I think I'm going to wait for somebody else to act.'"

In other words, Bush was saying to hell with what the United Nations says.

Another laughable assertion by Rove is that the reason Bush didn't want to be rushed into the war was that the administration wanted more time to line up allies.

Huh? I still remember all the shit conservatives were giving France when they refuse to participate in an invasion of Iraq. There was even a push among some Republican members of Congress to change the name of french fries to "freedom fries."

It was Bush who famously said to France and other countries that were opposing the invasion that we would "go it alone" if we had to. And it was Bush who told Hans Blix and the United Nations weapons inspectors to get out of Iraq three days before the launch of the invasion.

Creationism Explained

Reality Sucks

Sci Fi Channel has begun production on a new reality show called "Run for Money." Contestants will be "hunted" for 60 minutes, and the longer they avoid being caught, the more money they win. They will be able to quit at any point during the hour and keep their accumulated earnings. However, if they're caught, they lose all their winnings.

Sounds like someone wimped out with the idea for this show. If they want to make it REALLY interesting, give the hunters real guns with live ammo.

Driving 101

The DC area is having its first snowfall of the season today. While it's not expected to amount to more than a couple of inches, the timing couldn't have been worse. It started a little after 6:00 AM, by which time the rush hour was gearing up. And thanks to the traffic volume, the snowplows weren't able to spread the necessary salt and the roads quickly glazed over.

One of my favorite pastimes on days like this is looking at all the SUV drivers who end up in ditches, or the woods, or even on top of guardrails.

This isn't all that surprising. People with four wheel drive type vehicles get cocky on days like this. They feel superior to those of us driving "normal" cars. This is true to an extent; with a 4WD you're less likely to have trouble starting up at traffic lights or navigating hills.

But that initial success also gives you a false sense of invincibility, kind of like President Bush after what looked like a quick "victory" in Afghanistan. The next thing you know, you begin to push things a little too far. That's when you find yourself invading Iraq without enough troops to properly secure the place. But you're committed, and you're going too fast to stop in time.

The next thing you know, you're in serious trouble. It turns out your car only has 4 wheel stop like everyone else's. But because you've built up all this momentum, it's too late to change course. You spin wildly out of control, all the while telling your screaming passengers that you have the situation well in hand.

And that's how your presidency ends up upside down in the median strip of history, with your wheels spinning helplessly in the air.

Crying Wolf.... Again.

For much of the past year the Bush administration has been warning anyone stupid enough to listen about what a threat Iran's nuclear was to world peace. Dick Cheney has been especially ominous in his mutterings, and President Bush himself warned that Iran's nuke program would lead to World War III. All the rhetoric was especially frightening since it seemed to parallel the lead-up to the Iraq war.... And I think we all know how wonderfully that one turned out.

Now comes a brand new intelligence report that says Iran abandoned its nuclear program in 2003. And here's the clincher: President Bush already knew about the report when he issued his WWIII warning!

What is with this guy? Did he learn nothing from his rush to invade Iraq? Did he think the facts about Iran wouldn't eventually come out? More importantly, why were so many people gullible enough to believe Bush's pronouncements about Iran? Have they already forgotten that this administration's lies directly led to the deaths of tens of thousands of people and completely destroyed the international standing of the United States, or do they simply not give a crap?

It's a sad state of affairs when the Dixie Chicks have more credibility than the President of the United States.

Putting Ourselves In Perspective

Why Not Require A Blood Oath?

Unlike some states, Virginia doesn't require party registration to vote in primary elections. That means that Democrats can cross party lines and vote for Republicans, and vice versa.

Apparently alarmed by the state's steady drift towards the dark side (Virginia has had two democratic governors in a row; Democrat James Webb beat out George "Macaca for Brains" Allen for the United States Senate last year; and the state senate was taken over by godless democrats last month), Virginia Republican leaders had the bright idea to require voters to sign a "loyalty pledge" in the February Republican primary. Under it's terms, voters would have agreed to support the Republican presidential nominee in November, regardless of which complete idiot it may turn out to be.

Aside from being completely meaningless and unenforceable, it was pretty damn insulting.

After hearing the public outcry that ensued, party leaders have backtracked and dropped the loyalty pledge. The main concern, of course, was that it would only serve to piss people off and drive even more voters over to the Democrats.

A proposal for Republicans to further demonstrate party loyalty by publicly sacrificing their first born child was also dropped.

While amusing, this might have been more believable if he were texting someone instead of just talking on the phone.

It Was A Burglary After All

All week long police in Miami have said that it appeared to be the result of a botched burglary. Nonetheless, some people have speculated that maybe Taylor was targeted, that perhaps his "thuggish" lifestyle had caught up with him. To be honest, I had my doubts as well. After all, Taylor has had a few run-ins with the law over the last several years.

Well, I'm now prepared to admit that I'm more than a little ashamed about that.

Four suspects were arrested earlier today in Taylor's murder. And guess what? It turned out to be a botched burglary.

The suspects, ranging in age from 17-20, did not expect to find anyone in the house. After all, the Redskins had played the day before in Tampa and would be on their way back to DC.

Taylor, however, had been out for the last two weeks because of a knee injury. And probably since it was Thanksgiving weekend, he had decided to spend it at his Florida house close to his family. That decision ultimately proved to be a fatal one.

This is somewhat reminiscent of the whispers that followed the murder of Michael Jordan's father in 1993. There were quite a few people who speculated that Michael's love of gambling had pissed off the wrong people, and that they targeted James Jordan for that reason.

In the end in turned out that the two killers were nothing but a couple of young punks who came across the senior Jordan after he had pulled over to take a nap. They decided they wanted his $40,000 Lexus, so they shot him.

That's Gratitude For You

Illegal immigrants have been getting blamed for a lot of things lately. Rising health care costs, housing shortages, drunk driving, displacing legitimate American citizens from their jobs, and even terrorism. Yes, terrorism. Republican presidential candidate Dan Tancredo recently ran an ad in some states saying illegal immigrants were responsible for 9/11.

Whatever. I'm tired of defending immigrants. What finally caused me to change my mind was a truly outrageous story out of Arizona.

It seems that Manuel Jesus Cordova Soberanes (His name is 'Jesus?' Qiuick! Flog him!) was walking across the desert on Thanksgiving day after illegally crossing into the United States. That's when he encountered a nine year old Christopher Buztheitner, whose mother had been killed when their van drove off a nearby cliff.

Soberanes could have said to hell with the kid and just kept walking. After all, he had come all this way and there was no sense in having made the trip in vain.

But instead Soberanes decided to stay with the boy. He built a bonfire to keep him warm through the cold night. The next day they were spotted by hunters who called for help. Authorities say the child would likely have died if not for Soberanes.

So nine year old Christopher survived his ordeal and has since been reunited with other family members. And Soberanes' reward?

Well, we sent his sorry ass back to Mexico.

And I Thought Evangelical Christians Were Crazy

That teacher in the Muslim country of Sudan has been sentenced to 40 lashes for committing blasphemy against the prophet Mohammad. Most surprisingly, Gillian Gibbons' offense against The Wacky Prophet of Islam had nothing to do with editorial cartoons. Rather, she allowed her class of six and seven year olds to name the class teddy bear--GASP!!!!--Mohammad!!!!!

It's unclear why she's the one being punished. After all, it's the kids that picked the name. What kind of values are the parents of these children teaching their kids if they would use the name of Mohammad for such an outrageous purpose? Shouldn't the kids and the parents be the ones that are flogged? Or don't Muslims like to publicly whip their own kind?

Maybe I should withdraw that question. A court in Saudi Arabia has sentenced a 19 year old woman to six months in jail and 200 lashes. Actually, her initial sentence was for 90 lashes. It was only after she appealed her harsh sentence that a higher court increased her punishment. Her crime?

She was gang raped by seven men.

Well, hopefully this will teach her a lesson.

And No Virgins For Them, Either!

A teacher in the nation of Sudan--a predominantly Muslim nation--is guilty of a horrible, almost unimaginable crime against humanity.

Gillian Gibbons bought a teddy bear for her class of six and seven year olds. Then she made the mistake of allowing them to name their little fuzzy mascot. And they name they came up with?

Mohammed.

Yep. They named the little guy after The Prophet himself. For this unforgivable offense Gibbons has been arrested. Her fellow teachers are actually concerned for their colleague's safety, as there are reports that mobs of young men have been gathering outside the police station where she's being held.

But what, exactly, is Gibbons guilty of? All she did was follow the wishes of her students. They're the evil little bastards that chose to commit blasphemy against the founder of their faith!

It's the children that need to be taught a lesson in this case, and sending them to bed without their supper ain't gonna cut it.... Mainly because we're talking about Sudan here, so they're probably lucky to get even one meal a week.

No, the only clear alternative available is to stone the little f*ckers to death. That'll teach 'em a lesson they won't soon forget!

Sean Taylor: 1983-2007

Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor--one of the team's most popular players--has died in Miami. His death comes a day after he was shot, apparently by armed intruders in his home. Despite seven hours of surgery and some optimism yesterday afternoon, he succumbed to his wounds.

Taylor leaves behind his fiancee and an 18 month old daughter.

Dam It

In a change of pace for China, the nation has begun killing its own citizens with its lousy quality of work.

A landslide near the Three Gorges dam killed over 30 people. Most of the victims were on a bus that was discovered buried in the debris.

This comes amid increasing warnings from critics that the massive dam along the Yangtze River is creating severe environmental damage. Most severe of these is the increasing incidence of landslides in the area of the damn. Some experts say that as water continues to rise behind the dam, the added weight is placing more stress on the surrounding mountains. As a result, entire villages are having to be relocated.

The Chinese government, internationally renown for its credibility, insists that there's no connection between the dam and the landslides in the area. A spokesman promised to send a case of lead contaminated Barbie dolls to anyone who disagrees with the government's position on the matter.

That Sinking Feeling

A Canadian cruise ship has sunk off the coast of Antarctica after striking a chunk of submerged ice. Despite the valiant efforts of the rich passengers to lock the poor ones below decks, everyone managed to get off the ship safely.

But Did It At Least Work?

A Washington state man had been working had been working on his Lincoln Continental for two weeks when he encountered a stubborn lug nut on one of the rear wheels. Bound and determined to get the nut off one way or another, he decided that a shotgun was the logical answer. So the man unloaded a round of buckshot onto the wheel from about an "arm's length" away.

Once the dust settled, the man found himself peppered with all sorts of debris from his feet up to his chin. He is currently hospitalized with "severe but not life-threatening" injuries.

Surprisingly, police say alcohol was NOT a factor. That means the guy was thinking perfectly clearly when he decided shooting the wheel would be a good idea.

Expand Your World With A Tour Of The Clinton Library

The First Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

Some of you from distant lands such as Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and the country of South America may not be familiar with this uniquely American holiday (granted, Canadians celebrate it as well, but we in the United States tend to ignore our northern neighbors except when it comes to the Stanley Cup standings) so here is a brief history of its origins:

Back in 1620, a group of Puritans (also known as pilgrims) had grown weary of the constant persecution and ridicule they were forced to endure in Europe. This was understandable, since they tended to dress funny. Hoping to find a place where they would be free to practice their faith more openly and persecute someone else for a change, like witches, a group of them set sail on the Mayflower. The Mayflower was the largest ship of its day, and considered a technological marvel for its ability to keep the poor Pilgrims from coming in contact with the rich ones. Their destination was the distant land of North America, which had only recently been discovered by Christopher Columbus (Well, actually, it had been discovered by a guy named Leif Ericson, but he was Norwegian, and therefore didn't really count). Columbus had actually been looking for a new trade route to China but misread his GPS readings, and refused to stop for directions since he was a man.

But before the travelers could make it to the safety of Ellis Island, their ship struck an iceberg and sank. This unexpected turn of events rudely interrupted the torrid but chaste shipboard romance of Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater. Faced with a scarcity of lifeboats, many of the men nobly dressed up as women to procure a seat to safety.

The survivors eventually came ashore at Plymouth Rock, called such because a car dealership in Boston had purchased the naming rights. There they were befriended by native Americans, also known as Indians since they spoke with funny accents and were willing to work as computer programmers for incredibly low wages. Without their help, the pilgrims would never have gotten a sensible inventory control program up and running, and would have surely starved to death during the coming winter.

The following year yielded healthy crops and a bountiful harvest. That fall, the pilgrims invited their indian friends to share a feast of giving thanks to the good lord. And to show their gratitude, the settlers gave the natives blankets, muskets, smallpox, and syphilis.

In return, the indians introduced the newcomers to corn, tobacco, and lung cancer, and built gambling casinos to take their money.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of the first American Thanksgiving.

Due to the Hollywood writers' strike, the above is a rerun of last year's Thanksgiving Day post.

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Sub Space News Alert

A grotto found under Rome has been tentatively identified as the legendary cave where a wolf suckled the twin infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. According to myth, the two were allegedly fathered by Mars, the Roman god of war. Still no word on whether Uranus was involved in the custody battle, though it is unclear why any of your bodily orifices would have been there in the first place.

As adults, the two engaged in a bitter civil war (one NOT triggered by President Bush). Romulus emerged victorious from the conflict after killing his brother.

This is exciting news for Star Trek fans. With the existence of Romulus and Remus now confirmed, many feel it's only a matter of time until Vulcan is found.

Dick Wilson, Squeezing No More

Dick Wilson has passed away at the age of 91. While the name may not be familiar to most Americans, his alter-ego of Mr. Whipple certainly is. Wilson played the role of the Charmin pitchman for 21 years. He also had roles on Bewitched, Hogan's Heroes, and a number of Disney films.

Mourners are politely requested not to squeeze the coffin.

Too Bad George Harrison Isn't Around To Do Another Concert

Five days after tropical cyclone Sidr roared ashore with 155 mph winds and a 16 foot tidal surge, Bangladesh continues to pick up the pieces. 3100 people are confirmed dead from the category 4 storm, and some rescuers warn that the toll may top 10,000 once remote areas reached.

Even though Bangladesh is halfway around the world, the United States is contributing heavily to the rescue effort. Two C130 cargo planes and several naval vessels have already joined relief operations.

Americans should be proud of the help we're providing. After all, it's better than what we did for the people of New Orleans.

Todd Alert

I love the show "Scrubs," but sometimes The Todd just makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Here's another view of him, er, "in action."

What The Heck, Just Sue God

With the state of Georgia suffering from worsening drought conditions, Governor Sonny Perdue said early last week that he would pray for rain. On Wednesday he kept his promise and led a prayer group on the steps of the state capitol. And sure enough, on Thursday it rained. Not nearly enough to end the drought, but it's still pretty damn impressive!

So did The Almighty really make it rain? There are those who say that yes, He did, and that the rain is proof positive of His existence.

Interesting.... And, of course, the cold front coming down from Canada and colliding with the humid air from the Gulf of Mexico had absolutely nothing to do with the rain. And the weather forecasters who had forecast the rain days before the Governor's prayers just got lucky.

And only a real cynic--such as myself--would suggest that Perdue had heard that same forecast before he held his prayer session.

This raises some other interesting points, however. If the cold front that triggered the storms had been on its way south days before the prayers, were the prayers, in fact, even necessary? Or did God know ahead of time that the Governor would be praying for rain on Wednesday, and therefore launched the cold front five days earlier in anticipation of the prayers? And what would have happened if the prayer session had been postponed at the last minute? Would God have canceled the cold front in response?

And why did the lord even bother with the cold front? Wouldn't it have been a hell of a lot more impressive if he had made it pour rain out of a clear blue sky?

It should also be pointed out that this same storm system triggered a tornado in Kentucky and injured nine people in Tennessee. A Baptist church in Tennessee suffered damage to its roof because of high winds, and three children were hospitalized after being injured by flying glass.

Hmmmm.... If Governor Perdue is claiming credit for the beneficial rain, then shouldn't he also be held responsible for the accompanying destruction?

Maybe Kentucky and Tennessee should sue Georgia for damages caused by its governor's irresponsible prayers.

The Lies Liars Tell

John Graham has been crowned the "world's biggest liar" in an annual competition held in England. His winning lie was a tale about a German World War II submarine invading Britain to capture digital television decoders.

The win by Graham is an important one. He actually came from behind after the champions of the last six years running, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, were laughed out of the arena because their story about Iran was judged as "lacking credibility."

Casting Stones When Your Own Shoes Are Full Of Rocks

Catholic bishops, in an important effort to demonstrate how wonderful democracy is, have approved a statement on "faithful citizenship." The bottom line is that if you vote for the wrong guy, you will burn in hell. Seriously.

According to the bishops, if you vote for someone who supports abortion rights, stem cell research, euthanasia, and contraception, it "may affect" your salvation.

An excerpt from the statement reads:

"A Catholic cannot vote for a candidate who takes a position in favor of an intrinsic evil, such as abortion or racism, if the voter's intent is to support that position. In such cases, a Catholic would be guilty of formal cooperation in grave evil..."

"Guilty of formal cooperation in a grave evil," eh?

Hmmm.... And how do bishops who knowingly and repeatedly transfer pedophile priests from one parish to another fit into that? Are those bishops somehow exempt from being "guilty of formal cooperation in a grave evil?" Or is sticking your hands down the front of an altar boy's pants--thereby betraying the trust of the child, his parents, and your entire congregation--not considered a "grave evil?" Is it just a minor evil that God doesn't care about?

Catholic bishops, as well as all the other hypocritical religious leaders who are so quick to pass judgment on their fellow man, need to re-familiarize themselves with the very Bible that they so often run around thumping. There's a quote in there that reads "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

As I recall, the guy who said it plays an important role in the book's plot.

Conspiring To Create Conspiracies

I came across the below series of photos at Bad Astronomy, supposedly taken by a Japanese satellite orbiting the moon. I say "supposedly" because the satellite's existence is obviously being faked. Notice the copyright information in the photo? How would that writing have ended up on the lunar surface? Besides, everyone knows the moon is in the public domain.

No, no, I'm just kidding. I fully believe that it's every bit as authentic as the evidence used by the Bush administration to justify the Iraq war.... Well, okay, maybe the photo is just a bit more true.

Although there are those out there who continue to insist that the moon landing was faked, I do not count myself among the conspiracy theorists. In fact, I'll take it a step further and say those people are every bit as wacko as the people who insist the 9-11 attacks were faked. The problem with such alleged government conspiracies is simply that they are too vast to sustain. For example, take Oliver Stone's version of the Kennedy assassination. If you believe that hundreds--or even thousands--of people were involved in pulling that off, how come not a single one of them has decided to go public with the information? Such a book deal would be worth tens of millions of dollars, and yet not a single participant has cashed in on it?

Also, look at the government's response to Hurricane Katrina. The level of incompetence exhibited by the Bush administration rose to truly mind-boggling proportions. Yet these same idiots supposedly managed to pull off an intricately woven hoax like 9/11?!?! And never mind that much of that terrible morning's events unfolded on live TV.

That said, I do NOT buy NASA's story that the Mars Orbiter was lost in 1999 because of a mistake in converting English units of measurement to metric ones. Are we supposed to believe that rocket scientists with PhD's would make such a simple and fundamental mistake in seventh grade level math?

I continue to believe, despite a total and complete lack of evidence to support my position, that the Mars Orbiter was shot down by a surface-to-air missile fired by the Martian Space Defense Agency.

I also continue to firmly believe, despite the complete and utter lack of physical evidence to support the idea, that the Earth was created 6,000 years ago by an omnipotent supernatural being, who then took the seventh day off because He was exhausted.... Because, well, even omnipotent supernatural beings get tired.

I also believe that this entity also created a fossil record dating back hundreds of millions of years just to confuse us. And finally, I firmly believe that He created the billions of stars in our galaxy--as well as the billions of other galaxies out there--so the Hubble Space Telescope would have something pretty to look at.

But I digress. As far as the moon landing is concerned, have you seen the video of Neil Armstrong's first steps on the surface? Looks pretty damn convincing to me.

Look at how grainy that image is. If the landing had truly been faked, don't you think the special effects would have been much better? Wouldn't there have been dramatic background music? Wouldn't some sort of giant sandworm have emerged from the lunar soil and swallowed Armstrong whole? Wouldn't the lighting booms have been better secured?

Now if George Lucas were to release a new digitally remastered version of the moon landing, then maybe--just maybe--I would have to reconsider things.

Good News For '24' Fans

The seventh season of 24 has been delayed indefinitely by the writers' strike. Fans can still seek some comfort, however, by watching the unaired 1994 pilot. Prepare to be blown away as Jack Bauer saves the world with AOL 3.0.

In Defense Of France

I pick on the French a lot, and the arrogant SOB's usually deserve it. Their waiters look down their noses at you if you can't pronounce every word on the menu perfectly, they're constantly surrendering to the Germans, they consider stuffed goose livers a delicacy, and their women don't shave their armpits.

That said, Bill Maher makes some excellent points on their behalf:

For The Sake Of Mankind, Settle The Strike

The screenwriters' strike is starting to have far ranging consequences. As more and more shows begin to shut down production, stagehands and other workers are finding themselves getting laid off. As they lose their jobs, the loss of their spending power will begin to effect other businesses. Some are also questioning the longterm consequences of the strike. If television viewers are forced to turn elsewhere for entertainment, how many of them will bother coming back to their favorite shows when they strike ends?

But all that pales in comparison when you realize that the very fate of the human race itself is on the line. I am talking, of course, about the TV show Heroes.

In last week's episode we learned that a virus will soon wipe out 93% of humanity. It was also revealed that a mandatory evacuation of New York city will be ordered on June 14, 2008, presumably because of the pandemic.

Presumably, the cast will be able to stop the virus through some combined use of their powers. But with the writers' strike having shut down production on the series, that's all on hold. What happens if the strike is still going next June 14? Will we all die from this mysterious mutant bug?

Those selfish bastards need to get back to work. Billions of live depend on it.

By the way, did anyone see where I put my meds?

Well, At Least They Don't Contain Lead

Another batch of Chinese-made toys has been recalled. This time it was Aqua Dots craft sets, which consist of colored beads that can be arranged to form pictures. Unfortunately, the beads also happen to contain a powerful chemical which, when ingested, turns into the notorious "date rape" drug.

Regulators became suspicious when they noticed little boys prescribing the beads to little girls while playing doctor.

That 666 Tattoo On Cheney's Forehead Is Just A Coincidence

What the...? If Satan--the head honcho of hell and a well known torture expert--has been reduced to playing second fiddle to Dick Cheney's first violin, things are even worse than I thought!

Misplaced Priorities

A few days ago I mentioned a news item about lawyers being beaten in Pakistan. Danny offered his two cents worth that perhaps America should send its lawyers to Pakistan as well.

This is an excellent idea. Instead of picking on illegal aliens who are actually doing something productive for America by mowing lawns and building houses, perhaps it's the damn lawyers that we should be deporting.

And thanks to Eustasia for the above video. It's apparently a satirical takeoff on a Giuliani ad against Hillary Clinton, who supports a New York measure giving licenses to illegal aliens.

Bush Defends Bush

Former President George H. W. Bush has come to his son's defense on the Iraq war. In an interview with USAToday, the elder Bush asks, "I think we forget even today the extraordinary brutality of Saddam Hussein."

No, I don't think anyone has forgotten that Saddam was a brutal tyrant. But neither is that point of people opposed to the war.

In the months leading up to the invasion of Iraq, Saddam's brutality was never given as a reason for war. It was all about those dreaded "weapons of mass destruction" that he was going to give to Al Qaeda. THAT, folks, was the original reason given to the American people to justify sending our sons and daughters to die in that faraway land.

It wasn't until well AFTER the invasion--AFTER the WMD's failed to turn up--that the Bush administration began grasping for other reasons to justify the ongoing carnage.

Yes, Saddam was brutal. Yes, the Iraqi people were politically oppressed. But as long as you didn't speak out against Saddam, you were reasonably safe. Iraq had a respectable educational system and you could safely walk the streets. And whatever brutality Saddam may have used against his opponents, at least he kept the country together and kept the crazy religious mullahs in their place.

Is Iraq better off today than it was five years ago? A serious case can be made that it is not.

It's Way More Productive Than Clubbing Baby Seals

The political landscape in Pakistan remains in turmoil. Much of the world has condemned President Prevez Musharraf's decision to suspend his nation's constitution and impose martial law. And overshadowing all this instability is the question of what will happen to Pakistan's nuclear arsenal should Islamic radicals seize power.

Still, there is some truly wonderful news in all this. Security forces have started beating lawyers. And who can argue with that?

Does This Mean I Get To Keep My Fingernails?

The Hollywood writers' strike has claimed its first major prime-time casualty. Fox's popular 24 was set to start in January. As it stands now, however, the show's producers will only be able to complete eight episodes. Rather than air those eight and then subject fans to an indefinite wait, the network has decided to wait till after the strike is resolved.

But in addition to disappointing fans, this delay carries major ramifications for the War on Terror. Many of the Bush administration's real-life interrogation techniques have been modeled on the fictional Jack Bauer's questioning styles.

Giving Neanderthals A Bad Name

Is Bush Preparing To Step Down?

President George W. Bush continues to astound and amaze the world with his proclamations. In his latest stunt, Bush called Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf and told him he has to resign either from his job as President, or from his job as head of his nation's military.

"You can't be the president and the head of the military at the same time," Bush said.

Hmmm.... An interesting bit of advice, indeed.

One has to wonder if Bush, after almost seven years in office, has ever bothered to go over his own job description. According to the United States Constitution, our own President is, in fact, also Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces. It's right there in Article II, Section 2.

Guess that means Bush just called for his own resignation.

Why I Welcome The Screenwriters Strike

If the strike by the Writers Guild of America continues much longer, your TV set will soon be devoid of any meaningful TV shows worth watching. Well, an argument can be made that such has been the case for years now, but the void will become even more noticeable than usual. Daily comedy shows that deal with current events--Letterman, Leno, Jon Stewart--are already either gone or in reruns.

Sripted prime-time shows have more of a backlog of scripts waiting to be filmed, but even those are expected to be used up by Christmas. At that point pretty much everything on TV will consist of either repeats or reality shows.

Now you might think that an avid TV viewer such as myself would be distressed by this, but I actually welcome the strike. Between the new shows I've gotten into (Reaper, Chuck, Big Bang Theory, Pushing Daisies,and Bionic Woman) and returning ones I continue to follow (Heroes, Simpsons, Family Guy, Brotherhood, and the one about thatlovable serial killer, Dexter) that I've found it impossible to keep with my viewing. Each of my DVR's has anywhere from a 15 to 20 hour backlog that I haven't been able to dent.

Then there's my Netflix subscription which continues to go to waste. I've had the same three discs sitting on the DVD player since July. Just when I think I finally have time to sit down and watch a movie, it turns out there's a new episode of Ugly Betty that I need to get through.

What further compounds this dilemma is that I continue to have to work so I can pay my rent. Otherwise I wouldn't have anyplace to keep my recliner and TV. Oh, and don't EVEN get me started on that electricity crap. Did you know that if you don't pay the electric bill, someone comes to your house and turns off the power?

Seven years of college, and no one ever taught me that.

The Spread Of Democracy Hits A Pothole

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, faced with increasing challenges to his authority, has imposed martial law on his nation, cracked down on the political opposition, suspended the constitution, arrested dissidents, and fired the head of his supreme court.

President Bush is said to be extremely concerned with the developments.... And more than a little jealous.

Family Ties

It's A Peterson. Run For Your Lives!!!

So what's the story with guys named "Peterson?" Are they all homicidal maniacs and perverts?

First we had Scott Peterson. You may remember him from a few years back when he killed his pregnant wife and dumped her body in San Francisco Bay. The case eventually became a media sensation on par with O.J.'s.

Then there's the case of Drew Peterson, a cop with the Bolingbrook Police Department in Illinois. His wife disappeared last Sunday.... Two days after she told her husband she wanted a divorce. Coincidentally, one of Drew's ex-wives drowned in her bathtub in 2004. Her death was ruled accidental at the time, but the case is being reopened.

And in Nebraska, we have Kelsey Peterson, a math teacher. She kidnapped 13 year old Fernando Rodriguez and fled to Mexico. Actually, in this particular case, Peterson may deserve a medal. Rodriguez was an illegal immigrant. A convincing argument can be made that while the teacher may be a sexual deviant, she was also performing a public service by returning the kid to Mexico.

Come to think of it, wasn't there an episode of Cheers where Norm Peterson kills and dismembers his wife Vera, then enlists Sam and Woody to help him dispose of her remains? Hilarity and hijinks ensue as Carla keeps stumbling across mysterious trashbags hidden around the bar.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

Tonight is the night we return to standard time by "falling back" an hour.

It is also the night we humans catch up to our various electronic devices that fell back an hour last week.

Does The World Really Need Another Star Wars Sequel?

Heavy Medal

The White House has announced its annual recipients of the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Most of the names on the list certainly appear deserving. There's an economist, a political prisoner in Cuba, and a DNA reasearcher, among others. However, there is one name which does stick out like a sore thumb, and that is Henry Hyde.

Hyde is a former Republican congressman from Illinois and perhaps best known for his efforts to outlaw abortion. This is rather odd, since the Medal of Freedom is supposedly intended to honor those who work to further the cause of freedom. Yet while he was in congress, Hyde worked to restrict a woman's right to choose. How does working to impose a minority's religious beliefs on an entire nation qualify a person for the Medal of Freedom?

Then again, does the Presidential Medal of Freedom still matter? Is it really that much of an honor? The award was pretty much trivialized several years ago when Bush honored Paul Wolfowitz, Paul Bremer, and George Tenant with the medal.

And if the three principle architects of the Iraq fiasco qualified for the Medal of Freedom, then you may as well start selling the damn things on eBay.