Virtual Tree Hugging

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Lugosi, or whatever your name is, do you put up a Christmas tree?" And I'll say, "But of course." Then they'll say, "Is it a real tree, or one of those realistic plastic ones?" And I'll say, "Neither. It's a GIF." And then they'll say, "Have you ever wondered if it's normal to have imaginary conversations with yourself?"

Now some people may argue that it's a little weird to put a Christmas tree on a website, but I disagree. In fact, I'll go as far as to say that it makes much more sense than one in the living room.

First of all, a GIF tree never has to be watered, it won't lose its needles, and it's not a fire hazard.

You don't have to worry about what kind of replacement bulbs to buy.

Nor do you have to worry about the cat f*cking with it.... Well, unless the cat gets a hold of your computer password.

And have you thought about how many hours you invest in putting up a tree in your house? At least an hour or two going to the Christmas tree lot, trying to decide between the blue spruce and the white pine, tying it to the top of the car, losing it on the highway on the way home, watching in you mirror as several cars pile into one another after trying to dodge the tree, praying no one caught your license plate number, going to a different lot to buy another tree, schlepping it home.

Then you take at least another hour arguing with your wife about whether the tree is lopsided and which side is fuller. Then you have to decorate the stupid thing with strings of lights and various other ornaments. And that assumes you don't have to take another two hours untangling the strings of lights, only to get frustrated and drive down to the drug store to buy a whole new set of lights.

Finally, there's the four hours you have to spend in the emergency room after you fall off the ladder while trying to pound the stupid freakin' angel onto the top of tree.

And after all that work, how many people are actually going to see the stupid thing? A couple of dozen, if that many? After all, it's hidden inside your house!

But with a GIF tree, you click the mouse a couple of times and that's it, you're done! Thank you very much and please pass the eggnog!

Most importantly, MY tree is out there for the ENTIRE world to see!! And I named it Mohammad, just to piss off the Muslims!

I just hope it doesn't get me kicked off the Atheist Blogroll.