Time To Get My Spock Ears Out Of Storage

For the last several months it's only been a rumor, but Lost creator J.J. Abrams has now officially signed on to direct the next Star Trek movie. The franchise's 11th feature film is scheduled to start shooting this fall and be ready for release on Christmas Day, 2008.

There is nothing official yet in the casting department, but there are plenty of rumors. Chief among them is that Matt Damon will be playing Captain Kirk, and Adrien Brody will take on the role of Spock.

There's also no official word on the storyline, but the word last fall was that the new film will tell the story of how Kirk and Spock first met in a strip club featuring olive skinned Orion slave girls.

Then again, maybe not. But you gotta admit my idea would make for a much more interesting movie.

Always Keep Track Of Your Cell Phone

Maybe We Should Have Elected A Bird

Researchers with nothing better to do have found that the Corvidae family of birds--which includes crows, ravens, and jays--can plan ahead. The researchers used a complex series of food rewards to train them, then withheld the food at certain times and under certain conditions. The birds came to anticipate the times they would not be given food, and took steps to set food aside to compensate.

Imagine that! Birds can think ahead and anticipate the consequences of their actions!

Guess Bush isn't such a bird brain after all.

Progress Update

In another promising sign of progress in Iraq, the country's Shiite vice president was only wounded--not killed--in a bombing at a municipal building in Baghdad.

Ten other people did die in the attack, but none of them was all that important, so who cares? However, several pieces of furniture in the room were destroyed.

Nothing To Croak Over

A new study shows that male frogs can be changed into female frogs when exposed to certain common pollutants found in the environment. Scientists are divided on whether these findings carry any implications for humans.

Are they kidding!?!? Have any of them looked at Michael Jackson lately!?!?

Monkeying Around

In a stunning discovery, researchers at a game preserve in Africa have found that some chimpanzees are able to make their own weapons with which to hunt other animals. The chimps used their hands and teeth to fashion sticks into spears, which they would then thrust into bushes in an effort to kill their prey.

This is remarkable evidence of evolution, and it's only a matter of time until Sunni chimps begin blowing themselves up in an effort to kill Shiite chimps.

I'm A Pepper, You're A Pepper, And So Is John Hancock's Corpse

It was just last month that Boston authorities were forced to shut down several bridges and highways because of a marketing campaign gone bad. In that incident, electronic figures meant to to push characters on a Cartoon Network show led to a massive bomb scare.

Now another company's advertising campaign has force the city to shut down a historic cemetery. In this latest stunt, soft drink maker Dr. Pepper launched a treasure hunt. One of the clues apparently led consumers to think that a coin worth a million dollars was hidden somewhere in Boston's Granary Burial Ground. The 347 year old graveyard is the final resting place for such figures as John Hancock, Paul Revere, and Samuel Adams.

Officials closed the cemetery after a number of treasure hunters showed up to look for the coin.

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Posted

The Archdiocese of Washington has launched an advertising campaign to get Catholics to come back to confession. They are resorting to such things as brochures, radio spots, signs on buses, and even a billboard. They even have a slogan: "The Light is On for You."

Yes, it does sound like an awful lot like the slogan for Motel 6. And if you get confused, you might just end up with a sin to confess.

Archdiocese officials are concerned that so few people are taking advantage of the sacrament. One line of thinking is that in this age of "confessions" on shows like Oprah, one no longer has to go to a church to seek forgiveness. On a personal note, I have to admit that I haven't been to confession in years, but it has nothing to do with TV.

I just got tired of all the damn priests that kept cutting in line ahead of me.

Following In Anna Nicole's Footsteps?

Mother Nature can be quite magnificent at times. Whether we're viewing images of some galactic nursery billions of light years away or witnessing the fiery majesty of a volcanic eruption, we mortal humans can only be humbled. But even those things, however indicative of nature's indifference towards man, pale in comparison to the spectacular implosion of a celebrity.

The latest famous type person to go supernova is none other than Britney Spears. It's hard to pinpoint when she first began exhibiting telltale clues of the coming cosmic event. Some scientists will argue it was when she married Jason Allen Alexander in 2004, only to turn around and annul the marriage a few days later.

Others may say that it was when she married that scuzzball Kevin Federline, who already had a child out of wedlock. Still others will put forth convincing evidence that it was the time Britney strapped her Starbucks into the child seat and drove off with her baby on the roof of the SUV (Okay, so my recollection of the particulars may be a little fuzzy, but it definitely had something to do with a Starbucks).

There's also a substantial school of thought that Britney's stellar collapse started when she began hanging out with Paris Hilton and forgetting her underwear.

What is certain, however, is that things have now reached a climax. Britney's latest moves dwarf the Russel Crowe phone incident and the Michael Jackson baby dangling event, and perhaps even rival Mel Gibson's drunken anti-Semitic tirade.

For those of you who may have missed it because you paying more attention to something unimportant like the death and destruction plaguing all of Iraq, Spears last week walked into a hair salon and completely shaved her head. This came a day after she had briefly checked into a rehab facility in Antigua. Then after spending Saturday night partying in a wig, she again checked herself into a rehab clinic.

That one didn't take either, and she checked herself out of the facility this morning. No word on exactly why, but they may have had a strict dress code requiring panties.

Some People Can't Win for Losing

Inconsiderate insurgents continue to refuse to cooperate with the big security crackdown in Iraq. In the latest example of their rude behavior, they bombed a tanker truck loaded with chlorine gas. Nine people died, and another 150 nearby villagers were sickened by the noxious fumes.

Well, that's gotta be a kick in the teeth! Saddam's dead, and those poor villagers are STILL getting gassed!

Sometimes It's Best Not To Click

I'm a big Scrubs fan, and I just finished watching last week's episode. One of the characters, a rather odd doctor who calls himself "The Todd" (and of questionable orientation), appeared in a scene wearing a t-shirt with the message thetoddtime.com. Being of a curious nature, I made the mistake of actually checking out the site.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go claw my eyes out.

Communications Breakdown

Well, Bush's big security crackdown is off to a booming start in Baghdad--quite literally. A pair of car bombs devastated several blocks in the city's commercial district. At least 63 people were killed in the blasts and another 100 injured.

Guess those stupid insurgents didn't get the memo.

Star Trek vs. Star Wars

Ever wonder what would happen if Jean Luc Picard and Darth Vader came face to face? Well, someone would be in for an ass kicking....

Hope Springs Eternal

The United States is hoping that once Fidel Castro does finally die, forces for democratic change will be unleashed in Cuba.

And why not? The democracy thing certainly worked out well in Iraq once Saddam was gone.

Maybe He Just Needs A New Battery

So who was the greatest person ever?

Alexander the Great would be one obvious choice. After all, he managed to put together the greatest empire the world had ever seen up until that time.

Or was it George Washington? As the leader of the Continental Army he won independence for the American colonists. Then as President, he set limits on his power even though he could easily have set himself as a king, much like one of his successors would do some 216 years later.

How about Thomas Edison? As inventor of the light bulb, he forever cast aside the dark of night. Edison also invented the phonograph, an early form of iPod.

Abraham Lincoln, whose courage saved the union and abolished slavery in the United States?

William Shakespeare, for creating enduring literary masterpieces?

Galileo, for standing up to the church and advocating the outrageous idea that the Earth circles the sun?

Isaac Newton, who came up with the theory of gravity? Yeah, yeah, it's only a theory like that wacky evolution thing, but an interesting one nonetheless.

Winston Churchill, for leading England through the dark days of World War II?

Genghis Kahn? Attila the Hun? Mozart? Alexander Graham Bell? Copernicus? Paris Hilton?

So many choices, so many great names, and so many grand accomplishments. Yet they all pale in comparison to Robert Adler, who died just yesterday. As co-inventor of the television remote control, Adler and his achievement did more to influence our daily lives than anything that bum Albert Einstein ever did.

So What Changed?

It's All In Your Head

A surprising new study shows that human brains can make new cells.

Hmmm.... So there may still be hope for George Bush.

Who's Your Daddy?

The untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith continues to take increasingly bizarre turns.

As many as five different individuals are claiming to be the father of her five month old daughter: Her "companion," Howard K. Stern; Smith's former boyfriend, Larry Birkhead; Zsa-Zsa Gabor's husband, Frederic von Anhalt; some guy from Hawaii named Wil; and me.

Another possibility has now arisen, although this particular person has remained oddly silent on the matter. Of course, that may be because he's, well, kind of... dead.

According to the New York Daily News, there's a possibility that Smith used her late husband's frozen sperm to become pregnant. If that does turn out to be the case, it will add a whole new wrinkle to the dispute over who gets the hundreds of millions of dollars left in J. Howard Hunt's estate.

Fathers Know Best

The sad case of Anna Nicole Smith is turning into a media circus of monumental proportions. The grandstanding by the various parties involved is nothing short of revolting. Just thinking about it makes me want to heave my guts all over the floor. And at the center of this whole sordid affair is an innocent five month old child, Dannielynn. Indeed, if not for her, this whole thing would be downright comical.

Three men are now claiming paternity of Smith's baby, and every one of them is an opportunistic bastard. To these selfish sons of bitches, the infant is nothing but a lottery ticket worth a potential $400 million. And if it weren't for the chance at that huge payoff, does anyone think for a moment that any of these clowns would give a rat's ass about Dannielynn? No, of course not.

Besides, I'M the father.

To The Slaughter

The U.S. army is already facing a disturbing shortage of equipment. Trucks, tanks, and Humvees are wearing out faster than they can be replaced or repaired. As a result, many units are left scrambling for replacements.

So what about the 21,500 troop surge? Well, those folks will just have to hope for the best. Not only will they be poorly equipped, but the equipment shortages mean that they also will not have been properly trained.

Furthermore, there is a dire shortage of upgraded armor for Humvees. Over 4000 of the armor kits are needed to properly equip the 21,500 additional soldiers headed to Iraq, but the work won't be done till the summer. In the meantime, the additional military personnel Bush is sending to that hellhole will have to improvise by borrowing equipment from other units.

Here's a nutty idea: Forget about Iraq, and the Shiites, and the Sunnis, and whoever the hell else lives there. Just fuck that whole bunch of murderous bastards. Instead, let's send those 21,500 men and women to New Orleans, and spend a billion dollars a day rebuilding an American city.

What Would Simon Cowell Say?

That's odd. I don't remember Gollum singing in any of the Lord of the Rings films.

Snow By Any Other Name

So I'm looking at the weather forecast for the next several days, and here's what Weather Underground has to say about Tuesday: "a significant... high impact... winter weather event" is expected.

Huh? What the f*ck is THAT supposed to mean?

If it's gonna snow, just say it's gonna snow.

Betrayed

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Priceless

The Super Bowl is known for its commercials as much as the football itself. However, for some reason I don't recall seeing the below Mastercard ad during the course of the game.

---------------The Washington Post

Even Celebrities Can Be Mortal

Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy playmate who grew up to marry a Texas oil billionaire, was found dead of unknown causes in a Florida hotel room earlier today.

Police are investigating reports that an astronaut was seen fleeing the area.

The New Spokeswoman For Pampers

NASA continues to have its share of problems. If it's not one of their shuttles blowing up, then it's one of their astronauts.

Lisa M. Nowak flew on the Discovery shuttle mission last July, quite an accomplishment for the married mother of three children. She appeared to have everything going for her.

Then this past Monday she was arrested at the Orlando airport after a confrontation in the parking lot with another female astronaut, Colleen Shipman. The charges include attempted murder.

It turns out Nowak had the major hots for a third astronaut, William A. Oefelein. The problem was, however, that apparently Oefelein and Shipman were already involved with one another. Astronauts, however, are a resourceful bunch, and Nowak was no exception.

Nowak drove from Houston all the way to Orlando--over 900 miles--to catch Shipman in the parking lot of the airport. She had a carefully laid plan, involving a BB gun that looked like a real 9mm semiautomatic, a steel mallet, rubber tubing, and pepper spray. And to avoid wasting time on bathroom breaks, she even wore diapers.

Yes, you read that right: DIAPERS!!! If nothing else, NASA knows how to train its astronauts for all kinds of unforeseen circumstances.

Can you imagine being stuck on a space shuttle, in orbit some 150 miles above the Earth, with Nowak? That would be a helluva time to find out that one of your crew mates is a psycho killer.

It would make a great movie. We could call it Fatal Attraction II: A Space Odyssey. Michael Douglas goes on a spacewalk to fix the Hubble Space Telescope and his air hose is suddenly severed. He goes spinning off into outer space like Frank Poole. Is it even possible to boil a live rabbit in outer space?

With any luck, Cops will film an episode at NASA headquarters next season.

V.P. Phone Home

In a recent interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Vice President Dick Cheney defended the Bush administration's conduct of the war and insisted that the United States has achieved "enormous successes" in Iraq.

Hmmm.... So a hundred innocent Iraqi civilians being killed almost every day in terror attacks qualifies as an "enormous success?" Millions of Iraqis fleeing their country is an enormous success? Plunging Iraq into a civil war that threatens to engulf surrounding nations fits the definition of an enormous success? Not finding vast stores of WMD's--the ORIGINAL reason used to justify the invasion--qualifies as an enormous success? Shooting your best friend in the face with a shotgun qualifies as an enormous success?

But if Dick Cheney says those things fit the bill for enormous successes, well, who are we to argue? After all, this is the same man who in 2003 predicted we would be greeted as liberators, in 2005 said that the insurgency was in its last throes, and last fall predicted that the Republicans will retain control of both houses of Congress. One can't argue with credibility like that.... Even if those dang last throes are taking kinda long.

Either Cheney is clinically insane, or he's from another freakin' planet and was accidentally left behind when the mother ship returned to Alpha Centauri.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

Well, THAT was embarrassing!!

I went out to start the car this morning, and my nuts froze off! So I'm out there in the parking lot, chasing them around as they roll across the ground, all the while with my neighbors staring at me. I finally got them both back, though one is kinda squished because an SUV drove over it.

Maybe next time I'll try wearing pants.

Progress In Iraq

For those of you sick and tired of the media's constant negativity about Iraq, here's some good news: Almost two million Iraqis--about 8% of the prewar population--have fled the country. Jordan alone is estimated to have taken in over 500,000 refugees. And all those displaced Iraqis are causing resentment in other middle eastern countries as they compete for jobs and services. That's okay, though, because once they leave, they're no longer our problem.

At this rate, in thirty years there won't be anyone left in Iraq. With no one left to kill one another, peace will finally come to Baghdad.

And people say Bush doesn't know what he's doing....

Indianapolis Colts 29; Chicago Bears 17

Super Bowl XVI is now history, and it should be remembered as one of the better games. While the 29-17 score may seem somewhat lopsided, Chicago actually led all through the first half. They were still in the game through the beginning of the fourth quarter.

But the best thing about this contest was the weather. So many Super Bowls are played in perfect conditions, usually indoors in an enclosed stadium. Not this one, though. It was outside, and it pretty much poured rain through all four quarters. That made for a sloppy field, a slippery ball, lots of mistakes, an unpredictable contest, and one helluva memorable game.

Football is made to be played out in the elements, whether it's rain, snow, bitter cold, or hellacious heat. Contrast that with baseball, which is played by sissies who cancel the game at the first hint of a raindrop.

But please: No more talk about tight ends going up the middle. I'm still just a little freaked about Brokeback Mountain.

Brokeback Bowl

Thank God the Super Bowl is about to start.

I made the mistake of watching Brokeback Mountain last night, and I need something to, um, "reassure" me. I don't mean to suggest that I'm wavering in my heteroness, but that movie made me cry. Well, okay, maybe not full blown heaving sobs, but my eyes did well up just a bit. Especially when when Ennis comes across Jack's shirt and buries his face in it. That scene was good for several kleenexes.

Anyway, my point is simply that I found the film to be uncomfortably moving, and a great big dose of macho football is just what I need.

Then again, maybe watching a bunch of big beefy guys slap one another on the butt is the LAST thing I need....

That'll Be Two Cents, Please

Haloscan's commenting is now working. Their "forums" and "help" sections were back up last night so I tried the automated upload/download installation process again. This time the dang thing finally worked! While I would prefer to have the comments links appear on their own separate line, there doesn't appear to be any way to do that on this new template.

If you look at the older comments, there are two comment lines. That's a byproduct of my adding the code to the post itself, which also gave a little more flexibility in terms of their placement. It also allowed me to make up my own comment titles (rather than the numerical one assigned by Blogger). That apparently had the added benefit of foiling comment spam.

There doesn't appear to be any way of continuing to use that same method without also using the new automated one. If spam does end up becoming a problem, however, I'll activate that goofy word verification thingamajig. I hate those damn things because sometimes you can't tell what the letter is. And is that a number "1" or the letter "l?" Or is that a capital "i" or a lower case "L?" There's enough pressure in my life without having to deal with that crap. Still, if that's the price I have to pay to keep total strangers from insulting the size of my penis, then so be it.

Besides, my experience has been that most of those pills don't work.

Good News Out Of Iraq

Here's some wonderful news out of Iraq that you're not likely to see reported by the media: Twenty million innocent Iraqi civilians did NOT end up with their body parts splattered across ten square blocks of central Baghdad while trying to buy food for their families.

Now THAT'S progress!

Who Would Jesus Sue?

Several weeks ago a number of Episcopalian parishes in Virginia voted to secede from the mother church. The local congregations are upset at what they feel is the national church's liberal attitude towards homosexuality. It was predicted at the time that this dispute would end up in court much like a messy divorce.

That has now come to pass, as the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia has officially filed suit against the uppity parishes. The argument centers on who owns the actual church buildings and land: Is it the local parishes, or the national church?

Barring an unscheduled Rapture, it will be up to the local courts to decide the issue.

When Good Marketers Go Bad

The city of Boston had a major terrorism scare yesterday, with the bomb squad frantically running around checking a rash of suspicious electronic devices placed near major building, bridges, & and the subway.

Who was responsible? Was it Al Qaeda? Hezbollah? Iranian agents? Neo-Nazis? Disgruntled postal workers? Well, um, no. The guilty party was:.... A talking meatball.

The whole thing turned out to be part of a publicity campaign for a late night cartoon cable show featuring the meatball and his good friends a talking milkshake and a box of french fries. Someone apparently thought that instilling the fear of mass destruction and fiery death into the the public would be a good publicity ploy.

Then again, instilling the fear of mass destruction and fiery death into the the public is what got Bush re-elected, so you can't blame these guys for trying.