Whose Turn Is It For The Alimony?

Just when he was poised to add some excitement to the 2008 presidential derby, former Congressman and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has announced he will NOT be a candidate.

This is unfortunate. With two ex-wives (in addition to current wife #3) Gingrich would have fit right into the current Republican field that is so obsessed with family values. To summarize: Rudy Giuliani is on his third wife (wife #1 was his second cousin); John McCain is on his second; and Fred Thompson is on his second.

Obviously, these Republican candidates are so full of family values that they just can't confine it all to one spouse. Well, at least we can rest assured these particular Republicans don't have time to hang out in airport men's rooms. They're too busy spreading their over-abundant supply of family values among the female half of the general population!

Ironically, it's the Mormon in the group--Mitt Romney--who's only had one wife. Kind of makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with him....

Burma, Shaving It Close

Things in Burma (or Myanmar, or Pittsburgh, or whatever the hell it is they're calling themselves these days) have taken an ugly turn. Pro-democracy protests that had been led by Buddhist monks have led to a brutal crackdown by the military government.

Even though this desperate bid for freedom from a brutally oppressive dictatorship is on the verge of collapse, don't expect the United States to intervene. Burma has no oil.... Though they do make great aftershave.

Details are sketchy at best, since the nation has cut net access to the outside world. What little information is getting out is through the Australian ambassador. The violence was apparently triggered when the government took over the monasteries where vast supplies of monks are stored for special occasions.

This is basically the opposite of what has happened in the United States, where it's the government that has been taken over by religion.

Maybe Bush Will Invade Delta

The Bush administration is reportedly looking for a way to help ease the plight of travelers caught in air traffic delays.

If the White House approaches this matter with the same level of competence and commitment it has shown with the war in Iraq and the rebuilding of New Orleans, the American airline industry is doomed.

'Stay Here And Rot, You Stuck-up Bitch.'

One of the funniest shows on TV is the animated series Family Guy (Seth Green, who so eloquently defended Chris Crocker in yesterday's post, voices Chris on the show). For their season opener, they did an hour long parody of Star Wars that is destined to become a classic. Here's some sample dialogue from the scene where Luke rescues the Princess from the prison cell:

Leia: Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Luke: Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

With luck, you might be able to catch the whole thing on YouTube. People have been posting the episode periodically, but the Scrooges at Fox have been pretty quick about having them pulled. The segment below is the official "trailer."

This Season On '24'

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early this morning in Los Angeles and charged with DUI. The 24 star several hours in jail and was released after posting $25,000 bail.

Bail?!?!? Why didn't he just snap the guards' necks, discover a nuclear warhead cleverly hidden in his cell's toilet, disarm it, blow up the jail, hotwire a helicopter, and fly to freedom?

Calling Barry White

According to a new study out of Canada, men with deep voices are more attractive to women and thus tend to have more children.

Guess that means Chris Crocker (see yesterday's post) won't be having kids anytime soon....

Defending Britney

Personally I'm not that familiar with the Book of Revelations, which is part of some larger book whose title I forget. My understanding, however, is that Revelations gives clues to the end of the world.

I don't know if the invention of Youtube is among those signs of the coming apocalypse. If it's not, it should be. Could someone please contact the author and pass that along? Thanks.

Anyway, the latest video burning up the world's finite supply of bandwidth is an appeal from some "guy" named Chris Crocker for us to stop picking on poor Britney Spears. This video is beyond embarrassing. Indeed, it's almost beyond description. But perhaps what is most frightening about Crocker's appeal is that the man is apparently 100% serious.... Or as serious as guy wearing mascara and experiencing an emotional meltdown in front of a billion people can be. Most of you have probably already seen the thing, so I won't post the original video. However, if you're one of the two people on planet who has missed it, here's the link.

While Crocker has met with plenty of derision, he also has his defenders. Chief among them is actor/producer Seth Green. who has come out with his own emotional appeal asking us to stop picking on Chris Crocker.

But most moving of all is Britney Spears' own emotional defense of Chris Crocker. It reduced me to tears.... And yes, it even made my mascara run.

The Sound Of Silence

Famed French mime Marcel Marceau has died at the age of 84.

He had no last words.

One Way To Save Time During An Autopsy

A Venezuelan man who had been declared dead after a traffic accident woke up during his autopsy, and boy, was he pissed!

Big deal. It's not the first time someone has risen from the dead.

Why Canadians Are Unamerican

Maclean's is a weekly Canadian news magazine, comparable to Newsweek or Time in the United States. Here's their latest cover; click the image for the article.

Sounds Like Someone Needs To Grow Up

One of the things about the Olympics is that the event is supposed to be free of politics, signifying the unity of man through the glory of athletics. And if you believe that load of horse crap, I'd like to sell you some Iraqi WMD's.

The reality of the matter is that politics always intrude into the games. In 1972, it was terrorism. In 1980, it was Jimmy Carter protesting the invasion of Afghanistan by having us boycott the Moscow games. But the Soviets showed us: They got back at us by skipping the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles.

This year is no different. Mainland China has long considered Taiwan a breakaway province. The dispute is occasionally punctuated by threatening rhetoric, with the occasional missile test thrown in for good measure. Now the two governments have been unable to reach an agreement on the Olympic torch relay, and thus the flame will NOT be passing through Taiwan on its way to Beijing.

No big deal, except that the torch WILL be carried all the way to the top of Mount Everest. It's a shame that the Olympic organizers could figure out a way to get that flame to the highest peak on Earth, but were unable to get it past a gap caused by the petty bickering of two governments.

Then again, it's just as well. That Chinese torch probably has lead in it.

Ring Around Something Other Than Your Collar

I don't mean to alarm you, but did you know that scientists have been checking out the rings around Uranus? Doesn't this story make you wish you had been more careful in your personal hygiene?

Quite frankly, this is nothing short of an invasion of our privacy. Unless we're suspected of harboring known terrorists down there, the condition of our most private body parts should be of no concern to the government, or astronomers, or anyone else.... Except maybe proctologists.... Preferably licensed ones.

More importantly, is this information being stored on a secure database? And who has access to this information? Let's face it: None of us want to be Googled by Larry Craig.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish installing my bidet. No more rings around MY anus!!

Tough Love

Republicans in both houses of Congress have long maintained that they support the troops in Iraq. Many, in fact, go as far as to say that any opposition to the war undercuts the military.

In an effort to show just how much they love the men and women fighting in Iraq, Republican Senators today blocked a bill that would have given troops in Iraq more home leave.

Afterwards the Senators demonstrated their love of animals by going home and kicking the dog.

Financial Storm Brewing

Typhoon Wipha is about to hit the Shanghai, China region. An estimated 1.8 million people have been evacuated ahead of its 165 mph winds. Should Wipha maintain its current course and intensity, it is poised to become the most destructive storm to hit China in years.

Shanghai is a major port and financial center for the Chinese. Such a disaster would cause a major disruption in the world's supply of leaded toys, contaminated pet food, counterfeit DVD's, and anti-freeze spiked toothpaste.

Andromeda Strain, Part II

Residents of a small Peruvian town have become ill after a meteorite crashed into the Earth nearby. As far as scientists have been able to determine, the village does NOT permit same-sex marriage, so it is not immediately clear why God targeted them instead of Massachusetts.

At any rate, a "strange odor" emerged from the crater which caused headaches and vomiting among the villagers. The symptoms are similar to what happens to adult Americans when exposed to Adam Sandler movies. A spokesman for the actor, however, is denying any connection between Sandler and the cosmic forces which shape our universe.

At Least He Didn't Kill Anyone This Time

Former football star O.J. Simpson is back in jail. No, he didn't stab anyone. Simpson and some buddies, however, are accused of breaking into a hotel room and stealing--at gunpoint--an assortment of photos and souvenirs related to Simpson's career from a group of sports memorabilia dealers in Las Vegas.

Shortly after the conclusion of his 1995 civil trial, Simpson famously declared that he would dedicate the rest of his life to finding the real killer of his ex-wife. We can only assume that perhaps one of the dealers was a suspect in the murder, and that Simpson was just about to clear his name when the police blundered onto the scene.

Finally, A Republican Who Makes Sense

In general, I consider the GOP to be populated by religious psychopaths who foam at the mouth. However, there are nonetheless a few Republicans who are actually rational and thoughtful with a firm grip on reality.

Senator Chuck Hagel of Nebraska is one of them. Here he is on Bill Maher's show addressing General Patreaus' recent Capital Hill testimony, the Iraq war, next year's elections, and the future of his party. The video runs just under eight minutes and is best summed up as.... Extraordinary.

Speaking Of Famous Shipwrecks

Paris Hilton has filed a lawsuit against Hallmark, claiming that the card maker has invaded her privacy. Apparently the company has come out with a card featuring the hotel heiress as a waitress, and she is suing because her "rights to privacy and publicity" have been damaged.

Let's get this straight: Paris Hilton has been arrested twice for drunk driving, spent time in jail, had a major emotional breakdown in a courtroom, starred in a TV show where she repeatedly demonstrated that she has the IQ of a gnat, and been photographed with Britney Spears as the singer flashed her twat for the entire world to see. Oh, and let's not forget the infamous sex tape from a few years ago that first put Hilton on the map.

After all that, she's worried about a greeting card damaging her reputation?!?! Isn't that a bit like standing on the deck of the Titanic as the last lifeboat pulls away and worrying that your shoes might get wet?

And The Headphones Were The Size Of Sweden

Today marks the 51st anniversary of the invention of the computer hard drive. The unit weighed about a ton and was the size of two refrigerators. Its 50 spinning iron oxide discs--each one about 24 inches in diameter--held a whopping five megabytes of memory.

Coincidentally, tomorrow will be the 51st anniversary of the very first iPod Nano, which was roughly the size of Finland.

With A Spanish Sounding Name, He Was Bound To Be Trouble

For the last couple of days a tropical "disturbance" had been brewing in the Gulf of Mexico. Yesterday its winds hit 39 mph, which earned it the formal name of Tropical Storm Humberto. It was expected to come ashore last night as exactly that: A tropical storm.

However, Humberto stunned meteorologists by becoming an actual hurricane with 85 mph winds. In so doing, Humberto set a new record growing--in 16 hours--from an unnamed tropical depression into a full-blown hurricane at landfall.

This comes on the heels of Hurricane Felix, which set its own record by growing from a tropical depression to a category 5 storm in 51 hours. And since both Felix and Hurricane Dean made landfall as category 5 storms, that made 2007 the first time that two such storms made landfall in the same season.

So you skeptics can just keep telling yourselves that none of this has anything to do with global warming. Meanwhile, the rest of us will begin packing our bags for Mars.

Time To Get Serious About Stopping Immigration

No word on whether Fox News' Bill O'Reilly suffered a stroke upon hearing this, but here's an alarming statistic: The number of immigrants in the United States has hit a record 37.5 million (out of a population of 300 million). Additionally, nearly one in every five households speaks a language OTHER than English at home!!! Of the 50 known states, West Virginia had the lowest percentage of immigrants, at only 1.2%. This is not all that surprising, since most foreign cultures frown upon marrying your own relatives.

Immigration is clearly out of control. After all, America was built by Americans, not by people coming to America on rickety wooden sailing ships, seeking freedom and a chance to build a new life for their families.

So why do all these immigrants keep coming here? Well, apparently it's got something to do with these unpatriotic, America-hating words:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Now before you jump all over me for encouraging even more damn foreigners to come here in pursuit of better lives for themselves and their families, let me point out that I am NOT the one who wrote that horribly subversive poem.

Rather, those words are the inscription on the base of the Statue of Liberty. And if that's not bad enough, this stupid statue was a gift from France. Yes, France!!! A known foreign country!!! How those French snuck that thing into New York Harbor remains a mystery, but it is clearly only encouraging non-native Americans from coming here, stealing our jobs as cab drivers, convenience store clerks, and leaf blower operators.

Republicans talk a mean talk when it comes to immigration reform, but it's really just empty drivel. If they are truly serious about making the American way of life safe from alien cultures, they need to follow through with some tough actions, and I don't mean that asinine 1500 mile wall along our southern border. That idea will fail the moment some damn Mexican looking to make enough money to feed his starving family figures out how to operate a step ladder.

The time for further debate is past. It's time to act. That's why I will throw my support to the first Republican presidential candidate who advocates tearing down the Statue of Liberty (someone apparently has already thought of that, but he's not running for President).

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to Rush Limbaugh.

9/10/01: A Remembrance

Today marks the fifth anniversary of September 10, 2001. You may recall it, for it was a day totally unlike any since. Here are just a few of the reasons 9-10-01 will be remembered for a very long time:

• There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States, nor was it necessary to dispatch them whenever an airline passenger got drunk.
  
• We were able to get on an airplane without eying the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food--or lack there of.
• The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for the nation.
• Department of Homeland Security? Never heard of it. What's it do?
• Terrorism was something that always happened some place else.
• We weren't afraid of our mail, Anthrax was just a loud band, and if we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled coffe creamer.
• People would look at you funny if you took your shoes off in the security line at the airport, and hair gel wasn't treated as a lethal weapon.
• No one gave a damn where Afghanistan was. And what's a Taliban?
• No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And no one in Shanksville expected that anyone ever would.
• If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.
• The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.
• If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."
• The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.
• We didn't think twice about getting on the subway, we paid no attention to who else might be on the train with us, nor did we run for our lives if we spotted a lost backpack.
• Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center today. Assuming it doesn't rain, several thousand more will enjoy it tomorrow.
• You could look at a crisp blue sky and marvel at its simple beauty.
• Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future and our place in the world. After all, this was the United States of America, and everyone loved us.

Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.

Keeping Your Priorities, Er, 'Straight'

Video Postcard

Osama bin Laden has released a new video. He spends part of it lecturing us on the evils of capitalism.

He's probably just bitter about having paid $599 for his iPhone.

The Wrong People Went To Jail

Good ol' Comcast is at it again. Not only does the company limit their cable customers' choices of high-definition channels (Comcast refuses to carry HDNet and HDNet Movies), but now they've begun cutting off internet customers who use too much bandwidth. And not commercial customers, either; families have had their service canceled for downloading too many songs, videos, TV shows, and games.

So how much is too much? Well, that's the other thing: Comcast won't say. Nor do they offer a way for you to monitor your internet usage. Even the warning letters that the company sends out don't offer specifics.

I really, really, REALLY miss Adelphia. Yes, that company went bankrupt and their founders ended up in jail. But the fact remains that they provided better internet service and more viewing choices to their subscribers than Comcast.

Hey, Baby. Come Here Often?

Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who over the weekend said he would resign over the charges that he was trying to pick up guys in an airport men's room, has now apparently decided to stay and clear his name. This move comes despite his already having plead guilty to the charges--more than two months ago. Craig wants to reverse his plea on the grounds that he didn't know what he was pleading guilty to.

Huh? This guy is in freakin' Congress! He helps write this nation's laws, laws that determine how people like you and I live our lives, pay our taxes, and go to the bathroom. And now he's saying he doesn't know the difference between "guilty" and "not guilty"?!?!?

Furthermore, he's from Idaho but was hanging out in a men's room more than a thousand miles away in Minnesota. Personally, if I were from Idaho, I'd be insulted by that. Aren't Idaho's men's rooms good enough for him? What do Minnesota's airport restrooms have that Idaho's don't?

One of the ways Craig was trying to signal his, er, "intentions" was by tapping his foot and running his hand along the bottom of the stall partition. Hmmm.... Does anyone know if this same technique will work with gay females as well? I'm thinking about dressing up like a woman, heading over to a ladies room at Dulles Airport, and trying to get lucky with a lesbian.

The Importance Of Inventory Control

The U.S. Air Force has launched an investigation into how the heck it accidentally flew five nuclear warheads to Louisiana. And no, it apparently was NOT part of the Bush administration's plot to finish off New Orleans once and for all.

The incident in question concerns a shipment of cruise missiles from Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota to Barksdale Air Force Base outside Shreveport. The missiles were hanging from the wings of a B-52 bomber as it flew across the country last week Unfortunately, someone apparently failed to remove the nuke parts before sending them off into the wild blue yonder.

Well, anyone can make mistakes. A misplaced work order, or an incorrect check mark on a form, and heck, you've got Armageddon. Can you imagine if there had been an incident, like the plane accidentally hitting a flock of geese, causing a pylon to snap off, and 500,000 people ending up dead because of a clerical error?

Of course, we wouldn't have immediately known that the explosion was an accident. Everyone's first reaction would have been to jump to conclusions about what ethnic group was responsible.

In other words, we'd all would have gone out and killed ourselves a gas station attendant.

On A Wing And A Prayer

Officials at Nepal's official state airline recently sacrificed a pair of goats in an effort to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god. The move comes after one of the airline's Boeing 757s developed some sort of electrical problem.

This is a perfect example of why the United States is losing its technological edge over other nations. If a plane at, say, Delta or USAir had developed a similar problem, mechanics probably would have wasted precious minutes replacing something totally unrelated to electricity, like a fuse or some kind of wiring.

My car has been having problems starting in the morning. Hmmm.... Where's my cat?

So who's smarter? President Bush, or Miss Teen South Carolina? You be the judge.

How Quickly They Grow Up

Hurricane Felix has earned a place in the record books, and the storm hasn't even hit land yet. First of all, it set a new record for the length of time it took to go from tropical storm status to a full-blown category 5 beast: 51 hours. Normally, it takes several days for such storms to become a category 1 hurricane.

Also, this marks the first time since record keeping started in 2005 that the first two hurricanes of the season both reached category 5 status.

By the way, it is important to note that global warming has nothing to do with this. After all, global warming is just a myth.... Kind of like that evolution thing.

One Way To Scare Off The Bad Guys

A Muslim group has begun a neighborhood watch program in a drug-infested area of DC. According to a police spokesman, crime rates have dropped and the effort has made "an overwhelming difference."

This shouldn't be all that surprising. The criminals are probably just afraid of being blown up or beheaded.

And They Make Wonderful Pets

For centuries now, many residents along the American/Mexican border have believed in a an bloodsucking animal called a "Chupacabra." No real evidence of the creature has ever surfaced, and scientists have dismissed its existence as nothing more than the stuff of myth and legend.

Well, that may have finally changed with the discovery of some unusual roadkill along a highway in the Texas desert. A resident of the area, Phyllis Canion, found the bodies of several odd looking animals with fangs on the side of a road. She had never seen anything like them, and decided to save the head of one. DNA testing of the remains may finally settle the issue once and for all.

Is such a thing even possible, the existence of an animal that has never been seen before? In this day and age? With all our scientific knowledge and the Discovery Channel? All of a sudden we find something we didn't even know was out there?

Personally, I think what Phyllis has found is definitive proof of Intelligent Design. God heard all the local talk about the alleged chupacabra and decided what the hell, I'll make one just to f*ck with those silly mortal humans.

Meanwhile, Michael Vick is already reportedly looking for a pair of live ones to breed for chupacabrafighting.