Sunday, February 29, 2004

Surprise Endorsement
In a surprise move, the renown ultra-liberal comic strip Doonesbury has endorsed President Bush for a second term. No word yet how this will affect the candidacy of Dennis Kucinich.

Saturday, February 28, 2004

If You Pick It, Oscar Will Never Heal
Everyone else seems to offering their Oscar predictions, so I may as well, too.

Best picture is probably the one major category with little or no competition, so I feel fairly confident in saying that Gigli won't be winning.

Best actor is a tough one, but I'm going to pick Benn Affleck as the big non-winner of this one.

Best actress? It's safe to say it won't be Bette Davis. She's been dead 20 years.

Best director? Whoever directed Gigli. Indeed, I expect that film not to win any awards.

The Democratic Debates
I hate referring people to someone who's funnier than me (which explains why I so rarely refer you to other sites), but The Leading Brand Blog has an absolutely hilarious sendup of Thursday night's California debate between the remaining Democratic candidates (Thanks to Daniella for the tip).

Friday, February 27, 2004

Wonder if Ellen DeGenres Caught the Bouquet?
Congratulations are in order to Rosie O'Donnell, who yesterday wed longtime girlfriend Kelli Carpenter in San Francisco. It's good to see this lovely couple finally make their relationship legal.

In California.

For the time being.

The wedding reception afterwards was marred by some hard feelings when Rosie wolfed down the entire wedding cake and half the buffet table by herself, forcing some guests to call Domino's.

Non Sequitur


Safer Today?
CIA Director George Tenet testified before a Senate Committee earlier this week. Asked if Americans are safer today than we were a year ago, Tenet said we are.

The CIA, as the United States' principle intelligence organization, is also the intelligence organization most responsible for the assessment of Saddam's WMD capabilities.

That's it then. We're doomed.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Forefathers Without Foresight



Campaign Roundup
John Kerry has now added the heavily Mormon state of Utah to his list of primary wins. A demographic breakdown of the balloting shows that 12,387 married men voted in the primary as compared to 107,383 married women.

And in a further sign that he by far and away the Democratic frontrunner, the Secret Service has begun providing Kerry with protection. This service is provided to all major presidentlial candidates.

Considering how much most Democrats hate Ralph Nader, maybe he should be protected as well.

----------Steve Breen, San Diego Union-Tribune


And a True Item
Now I don't usually go for sappy, happy ending type stories, but an exception is in order for this one .

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Yes, I Know I'm Going to Burn for This
Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ opened in theaters across the country today. The movie has generated intense advance controversy because it depicts Jesus trying to avoid crucifixion by joining the Texas Air National Guard.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Why Vegetararians Use More Bandaids
Recent studies show that vegetarians, on average, die sooner than those of us who aren't so picky about what we consume. Oh, they're healthier right up until the end. The problem arises when their smarmy attitude eventually gets them stabbed by someone eating a hamburger.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Revisionist History....
....Or perhaps "revisionist future" would be more accurate. I found a disturbing tale of George Lucas' latest wacky antics at the Coffee Achiever blog. Apparently, the upcoming Star Wars trilogy DVD release is NOT going to be of the Special Edition films after all, but rather a new SPECIAL Special Edition!!

If you'll excuse now, I'm going to go heave my guts.

Where's my bucket?


Hard to Keep a Good Dictator Down
Yahoo unveiled its new "Google-free" search engine today. And it has netted some disappointing results.

As hard as I have tried to kill off Saddam, his Cyber Palace shows up in the #11 position on the first page of a Yahoo search for "Saddam Hussein."

Google at least has the good sense to list it on the second page of its search results.

Either way, if David Kay was relying on search engines to find those alleged WMD's, this may explain why he came up empty handed.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Pass the Fly Swatter
That's it then. Nader is now officially a gadfly.

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Is Ralph Nader a Republican?
Word is that Ralph Nader is about to announce that he's once again running for President. A lot of people will argue that he drew enough from Al Gore in 2000 that some close states were thrown into Bush's column. That was certainly the case in Florida. And in another close race, he would be far more likely to draw votes from Kerry than from Bush. Fortunately, some former Nader voters are beginning to see the error of their ways.

Now for some clarification: I didn't mind Nader's run in 2000. As I've said before, I've always been a Republican. I make no secret of having supported Bush four years ago. I was damn glad he was the one in the White House on 9-11 instead of Al "Mr. Earthtones" Gore, and I thought our initial foray into Afghanistan was brilliantly executed. Consequently, I also backed his decision (though with some reluctance) to go after Saddam. What little hesitation I may have had was simply th efact that we hadn't gotten Osama yet. But the case he and Powell put forth against Iraq certainly seemed compelling at the time. After all, this was our country's leadership, with all sorts of intelligence at their fingertips, so they must know what they're talking about. Right?

But now I feel like a salesman sold me a creampuff of a used car previously owned by a little old lady who drove it once a week to church, only to find out that it was actually owned by a gang of drug dealers that routinely engaged in drive-by shootings, used the car in illegal street racing, and wrecked it six times.

Last night I even dreamt Bush was wearing a plaid sportcoat and trying to sell the American people undercoating.

In the last year, the President has managed to squander all the goodwill that the world bestowed upon us after 9-11, destroyed our international alliances, left Iraq in a state of near anarchy, and flushed our country's credibility down the toilet. It will take years for the United States' standing in the world to recover from this fiasco.

Bush continues to insist that the war in Iraq was justified. But why? Certainly not on the basis of preventing the spread of weapons of mass destruction, for none have been found. In fact, evidence is mounting that Hussein hasn't had WMD's in years. So now our President is reduced to calling Saddam a bad man. Well, okay, that's certianly true. But there are a lot of bad men (not that I'm pointing fingers) leading countries, but we don't routinely go around invading them.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Of the ten original Democratic candidates, I had long favored John Kerry. Now it seems he's well on his way to winning his party's nomination. And if recent polls are to be believed, he also stands a very real chance of winning in November. So things were looking good.

That is, until Nader reared his ugly head.

One can only hope that the far lefties who previously voted for him will see the folly of their ways and vote for Kerry. He's the one person with a realistic chance of winning who can restore credibility to this nation.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Does the CIA Know About This?
A mad cow found in Washington state.... Avian flu in Deleware and New Jersey.... Green Onions contaminated with Salmonella in several states....

Hell, maybe Iraq should be invading us in a hunt for biological weapons!

Did The Aliens Have Work Permits?
Today is the fiftieth anniversary of President Eisenhower's secret meeting with extraterrestrials.... Or maybe it was just a human dentist.

A former college professor who may have been a little too liberal in his experimentation with recreational drugs during the 60's claims that Ike met with two non-Mexican aliens at a California Air Force Base on Feb. 20, 1954. Predictably, officials at the Dwight D. Eisenhower Library say there is no record of this, but that the former General did chip a tooth at dinner which required immediate attention.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

The Birds and the.... Kangaroos?

"Not Now Kid. Can't You See I'm Busy?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Campaign Roundup
Did you see that flaming ball of fire screaming through the sky last night? Air Force officials tracked its impact site to somewhere in New England, and government officials quickly descended on the area. Now NASA scientists and political pundits at the scene have identified the still smoldering piles of debris as what's left of the once high-flying Howard Dean campaign. No injuries were reported, except for the severely bruised ego of a former Vermont governor.

----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

And though Dean may be bowing out of the Presidential race, it appears that Dennis Kucinich may finally have turned his struggling campaign around. The tiny congressman from Munchkinland has at last managed to beat Al Sharpton, having garnered almost twice as many votes as the good reverend.

But the big surprise was the contest between the two men who actually have a snowball's chance in hell of winning the nomination, John Kerry and John Edwards. Kerry was expected to take Wisconsin handily; instead, he barely beat out the good old boy from North Carolina. Consequently the race will continue till at least March 2, when 10 states will be voting.

Economics 101 Roundup
Both Kerry and Edwards have been blaming Bush for the languishing economy. In an effort to diffuse that as a campaign issue, President Bush continues to insist that an economic recovery is well underway, and that American businesses will be adding 2.6 million jobs this year.

Unfortunately, those jobs will be in India.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Hung Like a What?
In what can only be described as yet another reason to sign up for HBO, Fox TV has announced plans for a remake of the 1960's series about a talking horse, Mr.Ed. Sherman "The Jeffersons" Hemsley will give voice to the mutant equine.

Outlook Not So Good
In what some political observers view as a desperate move, Howard Dean has fired his national campaign chairman, Steve Grossman. It was Grossman who last week suggested that Dean would drop out of the race if he lost today's Wisconsin primary. This latest shakeup comes less than a month after the candidate fired campaign manager Joe Trippi following the loss in New Hampshire.

Meanwhile, reporters continue to pepper Grossman's replacement, a magic 8 ball, with questions about the former governor's plans if he does, in fact, lose today. However, the only answer they can get is "reply hazy, ask again later."

Monday, February 16, 2004

Careful Where You Sit
A lot is being made of that photo of John Kerry with Jane Fonda at an anti-war rally in the early 70's. First of all, he's sitting a good ten yards from her, so it's not like they're rolling around in the grass with one another.

Secondly, unlike some people who finagled their way into the National Guard, Kerry actually went to Vietnam, fought in combat, and earned himself a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, and three Purple Hearts in the process.

I'd say that entitles Mr. Kerry to sit any damn place he wants.

----------Swiped from Little Tiny Lies

Thirdly, is it just me, or does Jane Fonda have an especially sexy pair of nostrils?

Dead Presidents Day
The term "dead presidents," as used in the description of money, originated with rap artists. The only problem is that while the term may apply to most denominations of bills and coins, it doesn't apply to all of them.

Specifically, the hundred dollar bill has a picture of Ben Franklin on it, while the ten has Alexander Hamilton. Neither of them ever served as President of these or any other United States.

Guess those rap stars aren't as smart as they seem.... But don't tell them I said that.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Happy Valentine's Day!

Friday, February 13, 2004

Fred and Barney Are the Ones I've Always Wondered About
Perhaps it's a sign of the times, or just another symptom of the decline of family values, but longtime lovers Ken and Barbie are splitting up. No official explanation from Mattel on exactly why, but rumor has it that G.I. Joe was involved in the breakup.

That's right: He and Ken are off to Massachusetts to get married.

Oh Mickey
Even though its proposed buyout is far from a done deal, Comcast Cable has announced that it plans on making some major changes to Disney's operating procedures. For example, if you plan on visiting Disney World, you will be required to book an appointment at least a week ahead of time. Then on the day of your actual visit, you'll have to wait in line for the ride operator to show up some time between the hours of 11 A.M. and 5 P.M.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Hamming It Up
This business of celebrities exposing themselves is getting WAY out of hand!!

Grounded Again
British Airways has canceled its flight 223 from Heathrow to Dulles again. No, not today's, and not tomorrow's either. The canceled flight is Sunday's.

Well, let's hope the terrorists don't get wind of this and rebook their trips.

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
It was 39 years ago today that the Rolling Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show. Prior to the group's appearance, Sullivan had asked Mick Jagger to change the lyrics "let's spend the night together" to "let's spend some time together" so as not to offend anyone in the audience.

Wouldn't it have been a hoot if Janet Jackson had been around back then?

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Primary Hopes
I had hoped to vote for Carole Mosely-Braun in yesterday's Virginia primary, but her name was already off the ballot. So then I was tempted to go with Dennis Kucinich because I feel sorry for him. I mean, it must be downright embarrassing to end up with fewer votes than Al Sharpton (Virginia totals). And in Tennessee, the little guy not only got beat by Sharpton, but he actually ended up losing to Moseley-Braun as well!!

And Clark is the one dropping out of the race today!?!?!

Anyway, I finally ended up voting for John "the Comeback Kid" Kerry. In the final analysis, he seems to have the best chance of defeating George "Oops, I Thought There Were WMD's Over There" Bush.

What most annoys me about the coverage of yesterday's primary is the description of Virginia as a "southern state." Now THAT's embarrassing! (Maybe not as much as losing to someone who dropped out of the race a month ago, but still....!

Over 30% of the Old Dominion's population lives in northern Virginia, immediately outside of DC. Fairfax County alone has just over a million residents within its borders, and is consistently ranked as one the country's richest and most educated counties. And in terms of its ethnic makeup, Northern Virginia is as diverse as any big city in the US. So I'm not entirely sure what the media means when it refers to "southern states," but it sounds vaguely insulting and certainly not applicable to a substantial number of people in the state.

Hell, I even have most of my teeth.

Monday, February 09, 2004

A Brief History Lesson
Today marks the 40th anniversary of the Beatles' first appearance (in 1964, in case you're math-impaired) on the Ed Sullivan Show, an event largely credited with launching the British Invasion. Things quickly went downhill for American music after that, and by the beginning of summer the English were laying siege to Fort McHenry outside Baltimore Harbor. In fact, it was Francis Scott Keyes capture by the Rolling Stones that inspired him to write "The Star Spangled Banner."

By the summer of 1965, the tide of battle had changed and American forces under the command of Elvis Presley began reclaiming the Top 40 charts.

Funny Candidate
John Edwards was on David Letterman last Thursday to deliver the top 10 "Things Never Said by a Presidential Candidate:"

10. "Vote for me or I'll slash your tires."
9. "Forget universal health care -- I'm buying every American an Xbox."
8. "In a crisis, I ask myself, 'What would Tony Danza do?' "
7. "I'd give you my plan for economic recovery if I wasn't rip-stinkin' drunk."
6. "If your last name begins with M through Z, your taxes are doubling."
5. "We're gonna cut the deficit by selling North Dakota to Canada."
4. "I have tons of experience from being president of the Burt Reynolds Fan Club."
3. "Lady, that is one ugly baby."
2. "When I'm president, I'm putting Regis [ Philbin] on Mount Rushmore."
1. "Read my lips: No new wardrobe malfunctions."

Where Will You Be When Your diarrhea Hits?
The Boeing 747 made its first flight on this day in 1969. Equipped with 12 bathrooms for as many as 400 passengers, the plane gave new meaning to the term "holding pattern."

Sunday, February 08, 2004

It's Called the Boob Tube for a Reason
John Kerry has picked up another important endorsement from Virginia Governor Mark Warner. This comes just in time for his state's primary on Tuesday. This comes on the heels of former candidate Dick Gephardt's endorsement a few days ago. While it would certainly appear that the Kerry Express has become an unstoppable force, most political analysts are withholding final judgment until Janet Jackson's breast announces who it plans to back for President.

Meanwhile, the fallout from that little exhibition last Sunday continues to be felt. Jackson was bumped as a presenter from tonight's Grammy Awards, and CBS had to scramble to develop some sort of video delay in case anyone else decided to use the opportunity of a live telecast to exhibit their bad manners. The producers of the Academy Awards show, scheduled for February 29, are doing the same.

On the other hand, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles have issued statements saying they don't see what the fuss is all about.

But really, was what Jackson did all that horrible? The Super Bowl, after all, featured ads with crotch-biting dogs and farting horses. And there were several spots for erectile dysfunction medicines.... Which, come to think of it, would have come in handy during the halftime show.

And why are they even advertising ED remedies on TV? Isn't that why we have spam?

It is unfortunate that some big name celebrities don't know how to behave like adults. So what, then, is our fascination with those who have achieved fame and fortune? Perhaps it's because that we're nobodies who will never be anybody, and watching the somebodies of the world make asses of themselves somehow levels the playing field.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Friday, February 06, 2004

Anybody Seen Dennis?
The Federal Election Commision has issued an Amber Alert for Dennis Kucinich's candidacy. It was last seen in Iowa about two weeks ago.

Decisions, Decisions


Slip Slidin' Away
Well, the weather forecasters did not disappoint. It was quite icy this morning. In fact, I was slipping and sliding so much, Tonya Harding showed up and tried to whack my knee with a lead pipe.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Well, another wintry forecast is in the cards. We're expected to get a mix of snow, sleet, and freezing rain overnight. While it's all supposed to switch over to plain rain by noon tomorrow, the morning rush hour will no doubt be a mess. Consequently, this seems as good a time as any to present:

Lugosi's Winter Driving Tips

1) Before taking to the road, clean all snow from your windows, headlights, and taillights. This maximizes your own visibility, as well as maximizing the ability of others to see you.

2) Also clean the snow off the roof of your car. This is not only a courtesy to those behind you by preventing the launch of "snowbombs," but it keeps the snow from sliding down onto your own windshield if you have to make an abrupt stop.

3) While the defroster usually works well keeping the bottom half of your windshield from icing up, the top off can be a different story. Lower your sun visor to trap the warm air coming from the defroster. This will enable you to keep the entire windshield clear.

4) There is nothing worse than freezing to death in a dark, snowbound car. Keep a blanket and flashlight in your vehicle for emergencies.

5) During the winter, people are often faced with snow covered sidewalks and end up walking in the street. If coming up behind an unsuspecting pedestrian, gun your engine to let them know you're back there. The agile ones will quickly scamper out of your way, providing them with valuable exercise.

6) If the roads are icy, drive as fast as you can. If necessary, weave in and out of traffic to get around slower cars and school busses. This enables you to get to your destination faster and minimizes your exposure to dangerous road conditions.

7) If an aging, washed up, has-been singer approaches your car and flashes her jewelry covered breast at you, don't be offended. She just wants attention, so humor her by calling the FCC.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

I can't decide which I like better: The picture of John Kerry that's on the new twenty dollar bill, or the one that's on the old twenties.

Bird Flu Spreads
Worried healthcare experts are having a difficult time containing the spread of the "bird flu" currently sweeping China and southern Asia.

Apparently, a lot of chickens are grossed out by the idea of eating chicken soup.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Erection Update
Well, John Edwards has racked up his first primary win in South Carolina. John Kerry, however, has added another four states to his win column. And word is that Joe Lieberman, who had hoped to win in Deleware, is dropping out of the race after failing to do so.

And once again, former annointed savior of the Democratic party Howard Dean remains in search of his first victory. In tonight's concession speech, the former Vermont governor sought to rally his campaign workers with a few words of inspiration, vowing to carry the fight on to Michigan, Virginia, Tennessee, and Washington state.

Then he exposed his right nipple to the crowd.

Good Thing He Didn't Have a Cucumber
Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight, whose famous temper got him fired from Indiana, is back in the news. He reportedly encountered Tech Chancellor David Smith in a grocery store. Some sort of disagreement ensued, quickly escalated into a verbal exchange, and finally came to a head when Knight beat Smith senseless with a box of frozen bratwurst.

Someone Got an Eyeful

----------Walt Handelsman, Long Island, Newsday

Monday, February 02, 2004

Only the Shadow Knows
Late word from the Afghan-Pakistani border is that Osama saw his shadow today when he briefly crawled out of his cave.

Guess that means we're in for six more weeks of terror alerts.

Sometimes My Trenchcoat Malfunctions Like That
Why do I always miss the good stuff? I watched pretty much all of the Super Bowl last night, including the ads. But I figured the halftime show would be a good time to take a break. And what happens? I end up missing the best part of the game!

Of course, I'm referring to the part where Janet Jackson's boob popped out. The first I heard of this was on the radio this morning, and my first thought was "What was her brother Michael doing at the game?" Then I realized they were talking about her breast! Singer Justin Timberlake, apparently still upset he's not getting any anymore from Britney Spears, somehow tore Janet's top and caused her splendor to spill out in all its glory and across America's TV screens. Today he apologized for the incident and called it a "wardrobe malfunction."

Fortunately, I did tape the game, so I'll be able to go back and review the incident for myself. Over and over and over and over and....

Strategic Placement
The following photo of John Kerry ran in the Washington Post a few days ago. He was trying to see if anyone was home. Presumably, if he had seen someone inside attempting to hide, Kerry would have kicked in the door and sought to win another vote that way. As it stands, the photo is mildly amusing.

However, if that snow shovel's handle had been at a slightly different angle, it would have been a great photo.... Not to mention boosting Kerry's popularity among women.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Well, There's Always the Balcony
Now THAT was a football game!!!

My Super Bowl party, however, didn't quite turn out the way I had hoped....

In the interest of good health and nutrition, and as my contribution to the war on obesity, I bought a bunch of those fat-free chips made with Olestra. Oh, and several pounds of bean dip.

In retrospect, such a menu for 15 people in an apartment with only one bathroom was not a good idea.