Look Who's Laughing Now

Think I'm exaggerating with my predictions that we'll all soon end up in soup lines?

Well, guess what? Apparently a lot of other people feel the same way. Out of the 500 stocks listed on the Standard & Poor's index, there was only ONE that didn't go down yesterday. In fact, the stock's value actually rose by 12 cents a share. And what, you may ask, was this mystery company that defied the day's trends?

Campbell's Soup.

At the Precipice

A few days ago I mentioned that I was going to start work on a shantytown in my back yard. It was just supposed to be a side project that I worked on in my spare time. There was no real sense of urgency to the project, since I figured it wouldn't need to be finished for a few months.

All that changed yesterday with congress' rejection of the Wall Street bailout package. The world's stock markets were swift to react. Things got so bad on the Russian market earlier today that they had to suspend trading. Here at home, the Dow Jones index fell a record 777.68 points.

The rejection of the bailout package was unexpected. The White House and congressional leaders spent several days last week hammering out a deal they thought would pass. But when it was actually voted on in the House of Representatives, it went down in a 228-205 vote. Ironically, it was largely a rebellion in the Republican ranks--Bush's own party--that doomed the measure.

Leaders are still optimistic that with more compromises, a new measure will finally pass. But in the meantime, fear and uncertainty will continue to spread. Some analysts are warning that the current economic climate has already doomed the upcoming Christmas shopping season. And while that may seem trivial, keep in mind that many retailers rely on November and December sales to turn a profit. If that tanks, then many businesses will fail next year.

And that's part of why all of us should be concerned about what's happening. Sure, it would easy to say f*ck Wall Street, but we have to look at what that would mean for the rest of us: No available credit, businesses failing because they're unable to borrow, more mass layoffs, skyrocketing unemployment, even more foreclosures, and the complete collapse of our economy. If we're not careful Hugo Chavez will be taking over the United States.... And we'll be welcoming him.

As unpalatable as it may be, Wall Street's big firms must be rescued from their own stupidity. BUT--and this is important--the people responsible for the current mess MUST be held accountable. Even if they didn't actually break any laws with their business practices, the leaders of the firms who got the world into this mess should be sent packing with zero pay. They normally receive millions of dollars in pay and bonuses when they do well. But if their leadership led these firms to financial ruin, then they should be forced to personally bear the responsibility.

So what's the solution? Simple: Forced castration.

While I'm normally against torture, the current financial climate all but demands it. We round up the people most responsible for this fiasco and cut off their nuts.... With no anesthesia. Let them share in the pain they've inflicted on the American taxpayer.

Then we take what remains of their shriveled nutsacks and hang them from the lampposts along Wall Street as a warning for future business leaders.

Iraq Should Be in That Pile

Katie Couric Interviews Sarah Palin

Here are some edited scenes from Katie Couric's recent interview of Alaska Governor/Republican Vice Presidential nominee/religious psychopath Sarah Palin. Though they never made the final cut, they're quite revealing.

If the embedded video doesn't work for you, try the one at NBC.com (Funny or Die doesn't yet have the clip).

Another Preacher Falls

Tony Alamo, a televangelist who has been preaching God's word for 40 years, is accused of child molestation. As part of the investigation, authorities have raided his compound (you can never be too careful with the kind of Christians who live in compounds) in Arkansas and are questioning several children found on the property.

Reached by phone in California, Alamo denied the charges and claimed that he was being "persecuted" just like Jesus. Alamo added that he is not a pornographer and that "I love children."

Um.... Just a suggestion, Tony, but if you're accused of molesting kids, it's probably NOT a good idea to tell the cops that you "love children."

Paul Newman: 1925-2008

Ebony and Irony

The best part is when Bill Maher starts talking about racial stereotypes (around the 1:50 mark).

The Bread Line Forms Behind Me

The Olympics may be long over, but it's good to see that records are still being set. And no, this post has nothing to do with the women's beach volleyball team--I just wanted an excuse to run the accompanying photo.

Rather, the record was set by Washington Mutual Bank. Yesterday it became the largest U.S. bank to ever fail. A subsequent attempt by the bank to set a new mark in the 100 meter dash fell short, however.

The FDIC was forced to step in because Washington Mutual had invested heavily in those sub-prime mortgages that are so darn popular these days. The company's shares had dropped by 90% over the last year, and it was teetering on the edge of insolvency.

Meanwhile, that massive $700 billion financial rescue bill that the White House had come up with last week is on the verge of collapse. A meeting yesterday between the Bush administration and Congress broke down into bickering. On one side were congressional Democrats, who were mostly supportive of the White House's proposal. But then that got torpedoed when a group of House Republicans decided to come up with their own idea for preventing the collapse of the entire world financial system.

Obviously the government can't solve the crisis, so here's an alternate proposal: Put the beach volleyball team in charge. At least the rest of us will have more fun while they hammer out a solution.

In the meantime, if things do end up going from bad to worse, I plan to be prepared. I've begun building a shantytown in my backyard.

We're in This Together

Why Palin Will Eventually Become President

Good news, everyone! Not only is Sarah Palin highly religious, but she's been blessed against witchcraft.

Yes, it's true. In 2005, shortly before she ran for governor of Alaska, Palin was blessed by a Kenyan Bishop who asked Jesus Christ to keep her safe from "every form of witchcraft." The Bishop then went on to say "Come on, talk to God about this woman. We declare, save her from Satan.... Make her way my God. Bring finances her way even for the campaign in the name of Jesus. ... Use her to turn this nation the other way around."

So THAT's how she managed to get herself elected governor! And that's also why she will no doubt end up as President some day. This also raises an interesting question: If John McCain wins in November, will Palin pray for him to croak? How the hell does the Secret Service protect the President against something like that?

Anyway, I guess it also means that voodoo doll with the big hair and glasses I bought on eBay is now worthless.

(Palin appears shortly after the 7:00 mark)

Going in Circles

Justice

End of the World Delayed

After suffering some damage during one of its test runs last week, the Large Hadron Collider will be offline until sometime next year. According to the mad scientists running the project, the problem was that one of the magnets that keep the electron beams aligned shorted out. The LHC, located under the French/Swiss border, was built with the intention of replicating conditions at the moment of the Big Bang. Some had even hoped that the unit would confirm the existence of dark matter, and perhaps go as far as creating teeny-tiny blackholes. It remains unclear, however, exactly why someone would think that a blackhole located in the middle of the Earth would be a good idea.

That's why some critics warned that the contraption might have unintended consequences, such as destroying the entire frakkin' universe, leaving the Hubble Space Telescope with nothing to take pictures of. On the other hand, there would have no further need for taxpayer bailouts of major Wall Street firms.

While the collider itself suffered some physical damage during the mishap, one can only hope that perhaps several of the scientists were sterilized as well.

Well, that's what happens when you buy one of those Chinese-made lead-contaminated atom smashers at Wal-Mart.

Older Than Dirt.... Well, Almost

New observations suggest that Saturn's rings may be much older than previously thought. The original estimate was based on observations gathered by the Voyager and Pioneer flybys in the 1970s. Scientists concluded at the time that the rings were only about 100 million years old.

New data from the Cassini probe currently orbiting Saturn seem to offer evidence that the rings are actually billions of years old. Saturn itself was formed along with the rest of the solar system 4.5 billion years ago, and it is now thought that the rings may actually have formed shortly after that.

If the new findings hold up under further scientific scrutiny, that would mean the rings are older than John McCain.

Throw Him Back

Rocking Out

Experts in England have concluded that Stonehenge once attracted pilgrims. No, not the kind that dressed funny and ate turkey at Thanksgiving, but people from all over Europe who would make pilgrimages to the ancient site. Archeologists believe that these travelers were drawn to Stonehenge for its perceived healing powers. They base their theory on excavations around the site that revealed an unusual number of skeletons, many of which bore signs of illness, injury, or distress.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but shouldn't all those dead people lying around been a subtle clue that maybe Stonehenge did NOT have healing powers?

The Importance of Good Brakes

After careful examination of a binary star system 300 light years (a single light year measures approximately 6 trillion miles; if translated to dollars, it would just about equal the cost of the Freddie Mac/Fannie Mae bailout) from Earth, astronomers say that they have discovered evidence of a violent collision of two Earth-like planets. The findings are based on the existence of a massive dust cloud in that region of space. Scientists say that if there was ever any life on those distant worlds, it would have been obliterated in a matter of moments.

Meanwhile, Republican vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin points to the findings as a warning of what God will do to Earth if abortions and same-sex marriages are allowed to continue unabated.

Trivia Alert

I've often wondered why two of the largest companies in the world--Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae--have such funny names.

Well, the name Freddie Mac comes from FHLMC, also known as Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation.

And it turns out Fannie Mae is NOT named after a character from the Beverly Hillbillies. Rather, the name is derived from FNMA, which in turn is the acronym for Federal National Mortgage Association.

Incidentally, I in no way meant to suggest that the Clampetts are running Fannie Mae. Nothing could be further from the truth. No insult or defamation of character was intended with that comparison, nor did I mean to imply that there are any similarities between the Clampetts and the company's actual management team.

The Clampetts are obviously much better educated.

New McCain Ad

An Appeal to My Fellow Citizens

What the hell is wrong with the people supporting John McCain? Don't they realize that electing him would be tantamount to elder abuse? Or don't these sick bastards believe in showing compassion for our senior citizens?

As we all learned last month, McCain can no longer remember how many homes he owns. The number eventually turned out to be seven. That means if McCain gets elected, the White House will be number eight.

If the poor man already can't remember seven, how confused do you think he's going to be having to keep track of eight homes!?!?!?

My God, hasn't John McCain sacrificed enough for his country already? How much more will a selfish nation ask of him?

So be kind, America. Vote for Obama.

Another Damn Bailout

The Ballad of Sarah Palin

Brother, Can You Spare $85,000,000,000?

The Federal government has agreed to an $85 billion bailout of insurance giant AIG. The company had taken a major hit since it was heavily into insuring mortgages.

$85 billion!?!?!?! WTF!?!?!?! And what do you suppose my chances would be if I marched up to the Treasury Department tomorrow morning and asked for a $300 loan so I could get caught up on my credit cards?

Yeah, that's what I thought....

The 'Saturday Night Live' Clip

On Monday I posted a clip from Hulu of Saturday Night Live's joint "appearance" of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton. However, apparently Hulu clips won't play outside of the U.S. And while it occasionally shows up on YouTube, it quickly gets pulled.

So for those of you accessing the internet tubes from overseas, here's the same clip from two more sources: Funny or Die and directly from NBC.

Leave a comment as to whether either of them worked.

Should Have Evacuated

Election Update

Another Bush Legacy

So just how f*cked up is America's economy? Well, about ten days ago the Treasury Department took action to take over Fannie May and Freddie Mac. Between the two mortgage giants, trillions of dollars were on the line. The reason for the takeover was that had they been allowed to fail, dozens--if not hundreds--of banks would have been dragged under as well. Even worse, many foreign banks and governments that have investments tied up in American mortgages (yes, China probably owns your house in Poughkeepsie). They would have been effected, too.

Then just this past weekend one of Wall Street's largest investment firms--Lehman Brothers--filed for bankruptcy. This comes just a few months after the government's bailout of Bear Stearns, another Wall Street giant.

And as bad as things are now, they're about to get worse: Merrill Lynch was rescued from the brink of collapse with a buyout from Bank of America. But of more immediate concern is American Insurance Group, the nation's largest insurance provider. Treasury officials are desperately trying to engineer a $75 billion rescue.

As the crisis spreads, stock markets have begun to plunge. Yesterday the Dow Jones dropped 500 points, and overseas markets have begun to fall as well.

Things are getting so bad that the price of oil has dropped to below $100 a barrel. That may sound like good news, but the reason is that investors fear that the entire frakkin' world is about to slip into a major recession. And let's face it: If the oil industry is starting panic about its economic future, what hope is there for the rest of us?

And who's fault is this mess? For the last eight years George W. Bush and the Republicans in Congress have fostered an increasingly relaxed regulatory atmosphere. The thinking was that if you just let big business do its thing, everything will come up roses. With less oversight of accounting practices and such, many financial companies were able to create a giant pyramid scheme by investing in one another. On the other hand, thanks to relaxed environmental rules and increased CO2 emissions, the roses are doing just fine. Too bad none of us can afford to send flowers anymore.

Yet despite this impending financial fiasco, almost half the American electorate appears prepared to reward the Republican party with another four years in the White House.

If there's one thing we've now learned, businesses don't always act in their best interest. They're selfish bastards who only worry about the short term bottom line. Like any spoiled five year old, they need strict guidelines enforced by an occasional spanking.

Now you would think that the leading presidential candidates would be addressing this crisis. It would seem reasonable to have them offering well-reasoned intelligent economic solutions of some sort. And who knows? Perhaps if we lived on the planet Zorkon, that's exactly what our potential future leaders would be doing.

But unfortunately America is located on Earth. And instead of engaging in an intelligent debate on how to avoid a further financial meltdown, the candidates are arguing about whether Obama intentionally compared Sarah Palin to a pig wearing lipstick.

Quite frankly, if Obama and McCain had any damn sense, they would drop out of the race now. Regardless of who wins in November, between Iraq, Afghanistan, and the economy, the new President will be inheriting the biggest pile of steaming crap since Franklin Roosevelt in 1932.

Another Flip-Flopper

New Threat?

Who the hell is Bicycle Laden, and is he related to bin Laden?

Unity

The past week has seen an increasing amount of rancor between the Democratic and Republican campaigns. That's why it was just so doggone refreshing to see Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton put their differences aside for the good of the nation and make a joint appearance.

'The Flintstones' Was NOT a Documentary

I don't usually think of Matt Damon as being politically astute (Okay, so I don't even think of him as being a particularly good actor). Nonetheless, he raises some very legitimate concerns about the possibility of Sarah Palin becoming vice president.

In the interview he asks whether Palin truly believes dinosaurs were around 4,000 years ago. That refers to Palin's belief in creationism, and that the Bible's version of the origin of mankind should be taught in public schools alongside evolution.

This question is important for any number of reasons. But most importantly, her answer would reveal whether or not she's capable of rational thought.

The bottom line is that anyone who truly believes that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, and that man and dinosaur once lived alongside each other, is simply not capable of making informed decisions. It means ignoring all kinds of evidence supporting not only evolution, but everything science has taught us about the origins of the Earth. And those theories can not be lightly dismissed, for they are supported by the fossil record, paleontology, geology, and continental drift. If someone simply dismisses all that simply on the basis of religious belief, they have no business being President. It would mean they are incapable of weighing evidence and reaching a logical conclusion based on the facts.

That's the same mentality that for hundreds of years insisted that the Earth was the center of the universe. Does Palin still believe that simply because the Bible says so?

Case in point: George W. Bush once said he talked to God about invading Iraq.... And I think we all know how that turned out.

Likewise, Palin herself has already said that the Iraq war is "a task that is from God." Do we really need people incapable of rational thought making life and death decisions for our country?

Besides, how the hell can we be sure they're talking to the right God?

(Video found @ Ungodly Cynic)

If Only It Were True....

Life's a Gas

Not to brag (well, maybe just a little), but a couple of weeks ago I predicted gas would hit $5.00 a gallon. Granted, it didn't happen with hurricane Gustav, but Ike has delivered. Overnight the price of regular unleaded has gone as high as $5.50 in some parts of the nation.

Despite some of the earlier dire forecasts, Ike was "only" a category 2 hurricane when it finally hit the Galveston/Houston area early yesterday. But it was also a massive storm, nearly the size of Texas. Ike was so big, even Paris Hilton was impressed, and she's certainly seen more than her share of big ones.

The problem for the oil industry is that thanks to Ike, 20% of the nation's refining capacity is now offline. And even though the storm's wind and flood damage may have been less severe than anticipated, the electric grid is so shredded at the moment that it may be weeks before some refineries can be restarted.

Perhaps what's most predictable about the current situation is that as the price of gasoline goes through the stratosphere, politicians will be tripping all over one another condemning the oil industry and calling for investigations. The resulting hot air is expected to worsen global warming, hasten the melting of arctic ice, and further stress already endangered polar bears.

Oh, and Ike also killed a bunch of people. But priorities are priorities, and the rest of us can't be expected to worry about little things like that at the moment.

Sure, the rest of the world is still pretty damn jealous of our still relatively low gas prices. But we're Americans, by gosh, and we're entitled to cheap gasoline. God said so. It's in the damn Bible.... Right by the part that condemns same-sex marriages.

Why We're Number One

A Different Remembrance

Storm's a-Brewin'

Hurricane Ike is expected to make landfall tonight in the Galveston area as either a category 3 or 4 storm. Galveston, which lost 8,000 people in a 1900 hurricane, can expect a storm surge of as much as 18 feet. Houston, located northeast of Galveston, is far enough inland that the surge won't be a factor. However, it will also be in Ike's northeast quadrant, which means the city may have to endure winds of 150mph.

Located in the general area: The United States' largest concentration of oil refineries. Translated, that means today might be a good time to fill up your tank.

But of even greater concern to the Bush administration is that the Houston/Galveston area has a much higher ratio of Caucasians than does New Orleans. Some political experts warn that images of bloated corpses of white people floating in the streets might hurt the Republican ticket.

Ahhh, He Remembered!

Collider Test Called Successful

Jubilant scientists have conducted their first successful test of the Large Hadron Collider. Located in the Alps along the Swiss/French border, the 17 mile underground atom smasher is the largest ever built in the world and is expected to replicate conditions at the moment of the Big Bang. Despite concerns by some groups, those behind the LHC project insist that it is perfectly safe.

Meanwhile, rescue crews have begun searching the large hole in the ground that used to be Switzerland and France.

He Really Does Work in Mysterious Ways

Hurricane Ike is now expected to hit Texas on Saturday as a category 4 storm. If the forecast holds, that would make it even stronger than Katrina. Landfall is expected somewhere between Corpus Christi and Houston.

This is rather odd. After all, it's Massachusetts and California that allow same sex marriages, and New York has now begun recognizing such unions performed elsewhere. Canada also now allows gay marriages, as do several European countries.

So given this vast multitude of other areas that are apparently just begging for divine retribution, why does God instead choose to send hurricanes to states in America's Bible Belt? Why isn't Ike targeting some place like Boston? How come you never hear of category 5 storms bearing down on Montreal?

Either God has a really lousy sense of direction, or He just hates judgmental self-righteous Bible thumping pinheads who claim to speak on His behalf.

The Candidates of Change

Remembering 9/10

Today marks the seventh anniversary of September 10, 2001. Even though that day is fast receding into the distant past, it deserves to be remembered. Here are just a few of the things that made 9/10/01 so unique:

• There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States, nor was it necessary to dispatch them whenever an airline passenger got drunk.
  
  
• We were able to get on an airplane without eying the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food--or lack thereof.
  
  
• The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for the nation.
  
  
• Department of Homeland Security? Never heard of it. What's it do?
  
  
• Terrorism was something that always happened some place else.
  
  
• We weren't afraid of our mail, Anthrax was just a loud band, and if we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled coffe creamer.
  
  
• People would look at you funny if you took your shoes off in the security line at the airport, and hair gel wasn't treated as a lethal weapon.
  
  
• Afghanistan? Never heard of it. Where is it? And what's a Taliban?
  
  
• No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And no one in Shanksville expected that anyone ever would.
  
  
• The big story in the news was the disappearance of a government intern Chandra Levy whose boyfriend happened to be a married congressman. Undoubtedly, this sordid tale would continue to dominate headlines for the foreseeable future.
  
  
• If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.
  
  
• The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.
  
  
• If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."
  
  
• The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.
  
  
• We didn't think twice about getting on the subway, we paid no attention to who else might be on the train with us, nor did we run for our lives if we spotted a lost backpack.
  
  
• Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center today. Assuming it doesn't rain, several thousand more will enjoy it tomorrow.
  
  
• You could look at a crisp blue sky and marvel at its simple beauty.
  
  
• Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future and our place in the world. After all, this was the United States of America, and everyone loved us.

Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.

Except for some minor changes, the above post has appeared every year since 2003.

Our Next Vice President?

Sound Advice, No Matter Where You Are

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond, and the younger alien became angry at the lack of a reply.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking heap about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked groggily at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to f*ck with a guy who can take his penis, loop it over his shoulder twice, and still have enough left over to stick in his ear."

-----From an email

I Don't Like Ike

The most active Atlantic hurricane season in three years continues to spawn hurricanes much like the daughters of evangelical Christian Governors spew out illegitimate children. So far, however, no hurricanes have been offered major positions in a potential John McCain administration.

Just here in the Washington area we received a two day soaking from the remnants of tropical storm Fay a week and a half ago. Then just this past Saturday Hanna dropped as much as 8.9 inches on parts of the region, causing some flooding.

That came after Hurricane Gustav threatened to deliver another major blow to New Orleans last week. Though the city was spared a catastrophe, other areas of Louisiana weren't so fortunate.

Now there's a new threat: Hurricane Ike. Ike is currently lashing Cuba with category 2 winds, and the storm's eye is expected to travel much of the length of the commie infested island. Ike will then enter the Gulf of Mexico where it is expected to restrengthen. After that the next stop will be either Texas or--yes--Louisiana. While Gustav failed to cause major damage to the nation's oil industry, it remains to be seen what effect Ike will have.

So what's with all the hurricanes this year? There is a theory called the Butterfly Effect which postulates that the flapping of an insect's wings in Africa can initiate a chain of atmospheric events that ultimately result in the formation of a hurricane.

Ridiculous? Perhaps, but so were the claims of WMD's in Iraq.

If Bush wants to leave a legacy he can truly be proud of, he should invade Africa and kill all the damn butterflies.

Building a Cabinet Is Never Easy

"Dominique, nique, nique . . ."

In the music industry, bands that achieve only one big signature hit are generally referred to as "one hit wonders." The artists may release more songs that just barely make it onto the charts, but essentially their careers are over.

To mark its 50th anniversary, Billboard magazine has released its list of ULTIMATE one hit wonders: Songs that made it all the way to number one, only to NEVER have the artist chart again.

If you tighten the definition of a one hit wonder to that level, it turns out there are only 12 songs that qualify.

The first to achieve this singular accomplishment was a group called The Elegants with their number one hit "Little Star." In the fifty years since, The Elegants never again made onto the Billboard Hot 100. However, they still periodically reunite for oldies festivals.

Then of course there's Denny Zager and Rick Evans with "In the Year 2525." The pair quickly went their separate ways after their signature hit. Today Zager lives in Nebraska and sells guitars; Evans is apparently somewhere in New Mexico living off the royalties from the song.

But my favorite has to be The Singing Nun and her song "Dominique." Gosh, whatever happened to this woman of God with the angelic voice?

Well, her real name was Jeanine Deckers. She forsook her religious vows and pursued a musical career. It never quite took off, and in 1985 Deckers and her lesbian lover killed themselves in a suicide pact.

Now that's an inspirational story!

The Mommy & Me Home Pregnancy Test

See? Torture Works

Feeding Time at the Zoo

Twisting Words to Defend Palin

John Stewart has a remarkable ability to find hypocrisy among politicians. Of course, Republicans don't particularly like him because they're usually his targets. The below video is a perfect example.

First, you'll see former presidential advisor Karl Rove ridiculing Virginia Governor Tim Kaine's lack of experience (at one point Kaine was on Obama's short list of VP candidates). Then Rove gushes over how experienced Alaska's Palin is. Second up, we see Fox News' star loudmouth, Bill O'Reilly, condemn Jamie Lynn Spears' parents as being unfit because they let their teenage daughter get pregnant. Pretty stern words, until he turns around and defends the Palin family and their 17 year old daughter's pregnancy. And finally there's conservative commentator Dick Wilson accusing Palin's critics of pure, unadulterated sexism, followed by the very same Dick Wilson mocking Hillary Clinton for being unable to play with the big boys.

Stewart also explains exactly why the Republicans decided to hold their convention in Minnesota. Warning: Some of the footage may be too graphic for Christians hoping to get into heaven.

You're Incompetent. Here's a Raise.

In his acceptance speech last night, John McCain vowed that "change Is coming."

WTF is he talking about? McCain is a Republican. While I agree wholesale change is needed in Washington, McCain is hardly the man to do it. Republicans controlled the House of Representatives for 12 years beginning in 1995. They held the Senate for four years starting in 2003. And they've had the White House for almost eight years now. Republicans are the very people we need a change from!!!

Even more importantly, a vote for McCain is essentially the same as rewarding the Republicans for the mess George W. Bush created. The man has destroyed America's credibility overseas, led the country into a disastrous war based entirely on misinformation, created a series of record Federal deficits, through inaction allowed the current mortgage crisis to take hold, and failed to capture or kill the man who killed 3000 people on September 11, 2001.

And for all this we should reward the Republicans by returning them to power!?!?!?!?!?!?!

If McCain & Palin WinThe Earth Will Be Overrun by Cylons

S-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g the Truth

Republicans in recent days have made a number of bold assertions in recent days. Sounds like a good time for some fun fact checking.

Windy Weather

As the most active hurricane season since 2005 continues to pick up steam, a new study suggests that the strongest tropical cyclones are getting even stronger because of global warming.

According to the scientists involved, the average wind speed of the strongest storms has increased from 140 mph in 1981 to 156 mph in 2006. At the same time, the temperature of the ocean surface in the regions where cyclones form has increased by half a degree. Likewise, the annual frequency of major tropical storms has increased from 13 to 17.

While the last two years have been unusually quite in the Atlantic, it's important for Americans to remember that we aren't the only ones who get such storms. Last year Asia experienced an unusually heavy typhoon season, and let's not forget the cyclone that devastated Myanmar earlier this year.

Progress.... Of a Sort

Just Crank Up the AC

In a further sign of Arctic warming, an ice shelf the size of Manhattan has broken off from an island near the northern coast of Canada.

Probably nothing to worry about, though. That particular ice shelf has only been there for the last 4500 years. And despite what some alarmists may claim, melting ice is NOT caused by warmer temperatures.

One Difference Between Palin and Cheney

Call me a pervert, but I found this shot a LOT more exciting than the time Vice President Cheney flashed us a glimpse of his black t-shirt.

Burning Bush

WTF?

Someone forwarded this video to me. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but it's still funny as hell. Some cautionary advice on the language: No kids or bosses should be within earshot while watching it.

Gustav Wusses Out

Well, Hurricane Gustav certainly turned out to be something of a disappointment. It weakened into a category 2 storm before making landfall, and for the most part spared New Orleans. Although water did splash over some of the floodwalls, the levees held.

Still, there is hope for more death and destruction as the Atlantic hurricane season picks up steam. Hurricane Hanna is on course to strike the southeast U.S. later this week. Following in her footsteps is Tropical Storm Ike, which is expected to become a hurricane in two days. And if that's not enough, Tropical Depression Ten has formed off the coast of Africa.

Maybe it's time to install one of those Baskin-Robbins style "Take a number" dispensers off the coast.

Obviously They're Republican Lemmings

Poetic Justice

When it comes to religion, I freely admit I am skeptic. Over the last few years I've become increasingly so. To blindly believe in something without any supporting evidence is just silly, especially when one considers the vastness of the universe. Seriously: If man is so damn special, why are there other galaxies? Why are there quasars? Why are there spectacular nebula? Indeed, why bother a such a vast universe? Did God create all that just so the Hubble Space Telescope would have something pretty look at? That's why I had decided that the only way I would ever believe in God is if he snuck up and bit me on the ass.

But now something has happened that has caused me to question my lack of faith. Indeed, it can only be explained as a divine miracle. Not only is it absolute proof of a supreme being, but evidence he (or she) has a wicked sense of humor with a strong undercurrent of irony.

Early last week, Stuart Shepard of the conservative group Focus on the Family, asked evangelical Christians to pray for "rain of biblical proportions" to fall on Denver's Invesco Field during Barack Obama's acceptance speech. The idea was that since Democrats are generally pro-choice and want to legalize same sex unions, Evangelicals should ask God to smite the godless heathens by washing out their big party.

I'm not sure exactly why the prayers were thought to be necessary. After all, isn't God supposed to be all-knowing? Wouldn't he have at least the headlines about the Democratic convention on Yahoo's home page? Wouldn't he have been capable of deciding on a course of action on his own, without the distraction of millions of prayers? Speaking for myself, I certainly know I find it impossible to think when people are yelling at me.

Well, needless to say, it didn't happen. It did NOT rain, and Obama went on to deliver an inspiring speech.

The Republicans, on the other hand, were looking forward to throwing their own big celebration this week. Their convention was supposed to open tonight with speeches by George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. And just as the media was focused on the Democrats last week, the Republicans were hoping to get same sort of free publicity this week. It was to be a golden opportunity to introduce the McCain-Palin ticket to the American people.

Now, thanks to Hurricane Gustav, it ain't gonna happen. Both the President and Vice President have canceled their appearances. They don't seem like they're partying while disaster strikes in New Orleans. Likewise, many other Republican bigwigs from places like Louisiana, Mississippi, and Texas have decided to stay home and help deal with the aftermath of Gustav. As a result, the entire convention has scaled back its once grand plans. Even worse, the news from Louisiana will likely be dominating the nation's front pages all this week while convention news is relegated to the back pages. That means less publicity for McCain.

What makes this absolutely hilarious is that McCain's choice for a running mate--Sarah Palin--is a hard core Evangelical Christian herself. She is vehemently opposed to abortion rights and is a creationist. She even wants it taught in public schools alongside evolution.

So let's get this straight: Not only did God ignore the pleas to rain out the Democrats' party, but he's using an entire f*cking hurricane to upstage the Republican convention?!?!

Stuart Shepard's plea for prayers may not have invoked the wrath of God, but it certainly tickled His sense of irony.

Keeping Up with the Neighbors