Pass The Cheesecake

For as long as I can remember, doctors have been telling us to stay away from high-fat foods. "They'll kill you," we have been repeatedly told. "If you want to live a long time, eat low-fat foods." Low-fat foods are just plain healthier. They reduce your chances of heart attack, stroke, and cancer. This point has been repeatedly drilled into all of us until we're sick of hearing it.

Well, guess what? New evidence strongly suggests that eating a low fat diet does NOT make us healthier!!!

Excuse me? You mean we've been avoiding red meat and drinking soy milk, and for what? For nothing!?!?! Forget Saddam. It's these damn scientists who've had us eating wheat germ for the last 30 years that have committed the crime against humanity. I'm going to track down every last one of those bastards and shove tofu down their throats till they choke.

But first I'm going to McDonald's for a lard shake.