The Election Is Over
Once again, the Washington Redskins have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory as they lose to the Green Bay Packers 28-14. It is absolutely amazing how the team with the best defense in the NFL can also have one of the worst offenses. That ain't easy, but the 'Skins make it work week after week.

Though I'm a Redskins fan, I'm glad they lost today. It means that this coming Tuesday, George W. Bush will NOT be reelected.

What the hell are you babbling about this time, Lugosi? Have you lost your mind? Are you off your medication again? Didn't the court say that if you stopped taking those pills you were going back to The Institute?

Yes, they did. But don't worry; I'm still on my meds. But the simple, indisputable fact is that ever since 1936, the Redskins have decided the outcome of presidential elections. When the team loses its last home game before election day, the incumbent party loses the White House. On the other hand, if they win the last home game prior to the election, the incumbent party wins as well.

Yes, it sounds crazy. But this rule has held true for the last 17 presidential elections, back to even when the Redskins played in--GASP!!!--BOSTON!!!! Even in 2000, though Bush lost the popular vote, the Redskins had beaten the Tennessee Titans 27-10 on Oct. 30 and thus foretold Al Gore's eventual loss of the various court challenges.

Add to this the fact the Red Sox broke the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series under a lunar eclipse, and I would say that the cosmic forces of the universe are perfectly aligned for a stunning, come-from-behind victory by Ralph Nader on Nov. 2.

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---------------Nick Anderson, Louisville Courier-Journal

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Hey, Baby. Let Me Lather You Up in the Shower

Fox News' Bill O'Reilly has settled a sexual harassment suit out of court for an undisclosed sum. The charges had been brought by one of his producers, Andrea Mackris, and claimed that O'Reilly had made a number of late night phone calls that were highly suggestive and sexually explicit.

So? There's nothing wrong with that. I make phone calls like that all the time. But unlike that moron O'Reilly, I have enough common sense not to give the woman on the other end my name!! It's people like him who give us perverts a bad name!!

Anyway, the settlement will likely remain sealed, as these type things usually do. For his part, O'Reilly insists this was NOT an admission of guilt. He was just trying to "protect his family."

Yeah, right.

Actually, O'Reilly went about this all wrong. He should have just claimed that it wasn't actually his voice making the calls. He was just lip synching.

Well, It Is the New TV Season

Back in August I made a rather bold prediction: That Osama bin Laden would be found on Friday, Oct. 29--Four days before the presidential election. The idea was that Bush already had the terror leader in custody and was merely waiting to just before the election to unveil him, thereby assuring Mr. Bush of a second term.

So I'm driving along this afternoon listening to the local all-news station when you-know-who's name suddenly popped up. My heart actually skipped a beat before I realized they weren't actually about to announce bin Laden's capture. However, Osama did make an exciting new video that was aired on Al Jazeera at 5 PM DC time. This was big news since it was his first such communication in over a year. It's also the first time he has publicly confessed to the 9/11 hijackings.

No, it's not quite the news his actual capture would have been, but I think I'm entitled to partial credit for it.

Oh, and I'm off the hook on the brick thing.

E.T. Email Home

About a month ago I downloaded the Seti@Home program, and I finally completed my first data unit last night. And it only took 393 hours, 19 minutes, and 50.6 seconds! Of course, that's to be expected with a Commodore 64.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the people running the program, however, about my idea: I emailed them a suggestion that whoever's computer first finds evidence of an alien civilization should be allowed to name the new species. That's only fair, right? Plus, it can act as an incentive to get even more people to sign up for the program.

Of course, with my luck the Lugosians will turn out to be a benevolent race whose favorite book is something called "To Serve Man."

The 70s Return
After a 25 year absence from the top of the charts, Rod Stewart once again has the top selling album in the U.S.

Guess it's finally okay for me to wear that lime green polyester leisure suit again!

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Red Sox Nation
Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, who have successfully ended the so-called "Curse of the Bambino." The hex, which supposedly began when the Sox sold Babe Ruth's contract to the Yankees, has haunted the team and its fans for 86 long years.

And they did so with an unprecedented run of eight consecutive post season victories. Oh, and the equally unprecedented cosmic alignment of the heavens no doubt helped as well, for last night also saw the first ever World Series game played during a lunar eclipse.

Was it luck, solid team work, or sorcery? Who knows, but I'm sure the recent spate of goat sacrifices in the Boston area was just a coincidence.

---------------Oliphant

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Maybe She Needs One of Those Purple Pills
Poor Ashlee Simpson. As most of the world now knows, she made a most memorable appearance on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. When she came out on stage for her second song, her band started to play and her lips began moving as scheduled (Video). Unfortunately, an entire different set of lyrics were mysteriously coming out of her mouth. In other words, she was lip synching, and got caught with her pants down when someone played the wrong tape (Song parody).

On the other hand, if her pants had actually been down, no one would have cared about the lip synching.

At first Simpson blamed an NBC tech for playing the wrong "guide vocal" tape, whatever that is. Then she said it was her drummer who screwed it up. And then came my personal favorite: Yesterday she said she had lost her voice because her acid reflux disease was acting up, and that's the only reason they were going to fake her performance.

At this rate, she'll soon have as many excuses for her faux pas as George W. Bush has for invading Iraq.

Rude But Helpful
The next time you get into a heated email/IM argument with someone and tell them to go to hell, you can provide them with a helpful link.



P.S.
Thanks to Espresso Sarcasm for the tip.

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---------------Cameron CardowOttawa Citizen

Are the End Times Upon Us?
The last time the Boston Red Sox were in the World Series was 1918. Two years later, the team's owner sold Babe Ruth's contract to the New York Yankees, and thus was born the Curse of the Bambino. The Babe, of course, went on to become the sport's greatest player after moving to New York. The Sox, on the other hand, have been unable to win another title despite making four more appearances in the Series. And unlike the hapless Chicago Cubs, Boston is not a bad team. They've made quite a few serious runs for the American League pennant, including last year.

Most people seem to be glad to see the Boston Red Sox in the World Series. They say they'd like to see "The Curse" end--assuming, of course, that there is such a thing.

However, researchers here at the Lugosi Institute have made a startling discovery which may soon change public opinion about the Sox. Remember Nostradamus, the prophet who lived back in the 1950's...? Or maybe it was the 1500's....

At any rate, my researchers have uncovered a previously unknown quatrain of his predictions which seems to foreshadow the current situation:

If the Sox Red should win the series of the world,
In our Lord the Savior's millennium the third,
Thus shall the Earth be finally curled,
Whilst the President of the land is dumber than a turd.

Now it's true that like much of Nostradamus' writings, the meaning of the preceding passage is open to interpretation. Nonetheless, it certainly does seem to at least imply that the planet will be torn asunder if the Red Sox win.

Call me overly cautious, but I'm rooting for St. Louis.

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---------------Oliphant

Shove It Up Your Blowhole
A Federal judge has ruled that whales have no legal standing and are thus unable to sue the government.

No immediate comment from Rosie O'Donnell.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Hot, Steamin' Links
This is the time of year all the radio stations start playing Bobby "Boris" Pickett's "Monster Mash." In case you're tired of hearing it yet again, here's an updated, more timely version of it.

With only a week and half to go before the presidential election, an increasing number of experts are warning that the closeness of this year's balloting and subsequent legal challenges may make 2000 seem like a cakewalk. This is especially true since more states are relying on electronic ballots that may confuse some people.

If you happen to live in Florida, here's a helpful video of the Sunshine State's new system.

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---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

A Correction of Sorts
Evidently I'm getting old....

My post yesterday about Mary Cheney was actually prompted by a remark Alan Keyes recently made, and I had intended to make a reference to it. So what did I do? I completely left it out! So I've gone back and revised the entry to reflect Keyes' comment.

Now where did I leave the keyboard....?

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

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Dick Cheney: "Tawdry" and a "Bad Man"
I realize politics is a dirty business, and very often all sides are guilty of distortions or outright lies. And yes, that would include the Democrats. But the smear job the Bush/Cheney people have done on John Kerry over the last few months goes far beyond anything anyone has done in the past.

Last week Dick and Lynne Cheney worked themselves into a lather huffing and puffing over John Kerry's reference to their daughter Mary, who is a lesbian. Kerry's statement was in no way derogatory. Indeed, if anything, it was a compliment to the Cheneys' strong family ties. Yet the Vice President and his wife called the reference "tawdry," and said that Kerry was a "bad man." Their main objection seemed to be that Kerry had no right to drag Mary's name into the political arena.

Huh?

On August 24th, during a town hall meeting in Davenport, Iowa, Dick Cheney himself said "Lynne and I have a gay daughter, so it's an issue our family is very familiar with" in response to a question about Bush's proposed constitutional amendment banning same sex marriages.

So why didn't Mrs. Cheney bop her husband over the head with her microphone and scream about how he's "tawdry" and a "bad man?"

But enough about Kerry's little remark. Did you hear what Alan Keyes, the Republican candidate for Senate in Ohio, said last month? In an interview on Sirius satellite radio, he called Dick Cheney's daughter a "selfish hedonist." So why didn't the Cheneys raise hell about that!?!

If this whole little "controversy" doesn't reek of a double standard, I don't know what does.

Who's Next?
A consensus seems to be building in Canada to halt the sale of prescription medicines to the United States. The feeling is that increased sales across the border may eventually lead to shortages in Canada itself.

Well, they had better not try that crap while Bush is still President, or the United States will invade Quebec and plunder their prescription drugs. And anyone who doubts we can pull that off needs to only look at our ongoing success in stealing Iraq's oil.

Why Couldn't They Have Lost Just One More Time?
Well, the stupid Redskins finally won a game. They beat "da Bears" 13-10, thus ending a four game losing streak. Normally I would be happy about this. Unfortunately, this is not one of those times, for I was actually hoping they would lose again.

The problem is that I had a great joke lined up had they dropped another game. I was going to write that "The Redskins are falling apart faster than Iraq." But the inconsiderate SOB's had to pick this week to start turning things around, thereby ruining the line.

Some people can be so rude!

---------------Steve Sack, Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Paging Tony Soprano
During Wednesday night's debate, President Bush said John Kerry was a fiscally irresponsible tax & spend liberal. It was this accusation that led to Kerry's comeback line of "Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country."

So guess what comes out in the news today: The Federal deficit for 2004 was a record $413 billion!!! The previous record was $377 billion--for 2003!!!

Those are President Bush's budgets, NOT Senator Kerry's. And the President still wants to give even more tax cuts?!?!

It takes some major balls of steel for Bush to call ANYONE fiscally irresponsible.

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Pass the Handcuffs
For anyone interested in catching up some episodes of Arrested Development, FX is airing six hours of it tomorrow (Saturday the 16th) beginning at noon. As I've said, it's one of the funniest shows on TV.

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---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

A Bouncing Baby Victim
Private Lynndie England, who became America's sweetheart through those touching Iraqi prison scandal photos, has given birth to a baby boy at the base hospital in Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

Miss England should be easy enough to spot. She'll be the one dragging a naked kid around at the end of a leash.

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---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

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Bubbie Vs. the GOP
There's nothing I enjoy more than a good Bush-bashing cartoon. Here's a new one someone just sent me.

Christopher Reeve, 1952-1954
The Washington Post had a very nice article on Christopher Reeve today.

---------------Scott Stantis, USAToday

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Vote Early, vote Often
I'm not sure exactly what it is, but there appears to be something just vaguely suspicious about Florida's new electronic ballot.



P.S.
Thanks to 'krazekristy' for the link.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Where's That 'Get Out of Jail Free' Card?
Martha Stewart has begun serving her five month sentence in a federal prison. She had requested a facility in either Connecticut or Florida, but inconsiderate government officials shipped her off to Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia (State motto: "Where men are men and sheep are scared").

Well, hopefully she likes banjo music.

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Post Debate Analysis
I don't know about you, but I feel pretty good about being led by a President who thinks it's called the "internets."

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---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon-Journal

The Reasons, They Are A-Changin'
It never ends.

Faced with a damning report from their own arms inspector that Saddam no longer had WMD's nor the means to manufacture them, Bush and Cheney have finally publicly conceded that their original reason for leading the nation into the Iraq war was wrong. But does that stop them from still trying to justify the invasion?

No, of course not. Now Bush is saying that the war was justified because Saddam was abusing the oil-for-food program.

If the situation weren't so serious, and dozens of innocent people weren't dying on a daily basis, and car bombs weren't going off in downtown Baghdad several times a week, and Iraq wasn't slipping into civil war, and the United States' credibility hadn't been left in shambles, and unrest weren't worsening throughout the middle east, and the price of oil hadn't topped $51 a barrel because of all the uncertainty, this constant evolution of reasons for going to war would be absolutely hilarious.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Click here for the 'R-rated' version

Did you catch the Cheney/Edwards debate last night? It was pretty good, and the two of them got a little testy at times. It came across as somewhat less formal than the presidential debate, and I'd like to see Bush and Kerry meet in such a format.

Incidentally, one of Cheney's principle shots at Senator Edwards was that the two of them had never met before. The implication was that Edwards was absent from the senate a lot since Cheney, in his role as President of the Senate, is there a lot.

Turns out, however, that the two of them HAD met before on at least three separate occasions.

I'm sure Cheney just made an honest mistake....

Always Remember to Duck at a Courtney Love Concert
Singer Courtney Love, facing assault charges for an incident earlier this year in which she threw a microphone stand into the audience, has come up with an interesting defense. According to papers filed with a Manhattan court, "It is common knowledge that many rock-and-roll artists act with abandon while performing and, in the spirit of the moment, engage in conduct posing a risk of physical injury to themselves as well as others."

I have to agree.

About 10 or 15 years ago my grandmother lost her license after driving her Chrysler New Yorker into the produce section of a grocery store. Consequently it fell to me to take her to a Barry Manilow concert she already tickets for. And let me tell you, it got pretty rowdy in that mosh pit! Granny climbed up on my shoulders, took off her top, and began flashing her breasts at the stage during "Copacabana." Then things kind of mellowed out for "I Made It Through The Rain," and everyone started holding up their lighters. Unfortunately, several audience members' Depends caught on fire.

But the scariest part came during the encore: Just as Manilow was finishing up "Mandy," he threw his grand piano into the audience. Somehow I fell down during the ensuing melee and ended up with a walker jammed up my ass.

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---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

A Matter of Faith
Stupid Redskins lost 17-13 to the Cleveland freakin' Browns today. Granted, it was close, and in the end the 'Skins lost the game for the same reason they lost last week: They ran out of time outs.

Well, okay, I suppose that technically the reason Washington lost is that the other team had more points, but I really don't want to dwell on such minor details. And while some fans may be wavering in their faith, mine remains every bit as solid as the top of Mount St. Helens.

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Another Incriminating Document
Did you watch the debate the other night? Did you see President Bush taking notes and wonder what he was writing? CBS news has obtained the following document from an anonymous source--allegedly a custodian--at the University of Miami, where the debate was held. The document was reportedly found in the trashcan immediately next to the President's lecturn, and at least one drunk handwriting agrees that it could quite possibly maybe be in George W. Bush's handwriting.... Or that of a first grader.

Same difference, I suppose.

---------------in an email from Pat M.

---------------Oliphant

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A Gay Old Time
Yesterday the House of Representatives defeated another attempt to pass a constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriages. Republican leaders pushing the measure say that such unions pose a threat to the "sanctity of marriage."

Forget about the gays. The real threat to the sanctity of marriage is Britney Spears!!

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Lost & Not Found
The only new TV show of the season that has latched onto my somewhat limited attention span--and one of the top ones in the Neilsen ratings--is Lost. Basically, the show's premise is that 48 people have survived a plane crash onto some island in the Pacific. They were off course, so their chances for rescue are somewhat minimal. Oh, and there's some sort of hideous creature on the island. Although the people have heard it several times, no one has actually yet seen it.

Interspersed throughout the show are occasional flashbacks to the scene inside the cabin just prior to the crash. It's through them that we are learning about the backgrounds of some of the survivors.

It remains to be seen if the series' writers can maintain the show's quality for an entire season, and Lost may will end up "jumping the shark" if and when they finally show the creature, but for now it's a fun ride.

If you've missed it but want to see what the fuss is about, ABC is rerunning the first two episodes this Saturday (Oct. 2) night.