SprintPCSucks

It's time for a rant.... And yes, this is a true story.

I have been with SprintPCS (and Sprint Spectrum before that) for about 8 years now. In general, I've been happy with them. I even use my cellphone to connect my laptap to the internet. Yes, it's slow, but at five bucks a month, it beats the pants off AOL. And like any long term relationship, Sprint and I have had our ups and downs. Yet in the end, we've always kissed and made up. The makeup sex was always worth the wait, even if it was a bit tricky with that retractable antenna.

Until now.

But my dealings with their alleged Customer Care Department over the past two days goes beyond anything I've ever experienced with them before, and may even rival the record levels of boneheadedness achieved by the Bush Administration.

Back in March I switched to their new 7 PM Nights & Weekends plan. And when I did so, I specifically made sure that my new plan would include the wireless web access. I was assured that it did. And since I no longer had to worry about my evening minutes, I could spend as much time on the computer as I wanted.... Or at least until the phone battery died.

So when I went in to pay my April bill a couple of days ago at their little in-store kiosk, I was more than a little surprised to see that I owed $308 instead of the expected $55.

My first mistake: As soon as I got back out to the car, I called their Customer Annoyance Dept. All this first lady was able to tell me was that yes, they had me down for the Nights & Weekends at 7 deal. The extra charges were for exceeding my daytime minutes. "But that's impossible," I said. Her response was a helpful "You owe us $308."

My next step in my desperate bid to clear my name was to hit the golf course. No, wait, that's how O.J. spends his time trying to clear his name..... In my case, I hightailed it down to the library and went online to check the particulars of my bill. Sure enough, towards the end of my billing cycle, I started getting charged for my wireless web calls between 7PM and 9PM. But the voice calls in the same time frame were free. This was certainly odd.

My second mistake: So later that afternoon I called Sprint's Customer Aggravation Dept. back and this time got a different lady. I told her the situation. She looked at my account and said no, I had not been charged for any calls after 7 PM. I assured her that I had been, and had even seen the evidence on my account when I pulled up my last invoice.

"No, you haven't. You were only charged for exceeding your daytime minutes before 7 PM."

"But I just reviewed my account on a computer, and almost all the overcharges were between 7PM and 9PM."

"No, they weren't. You have Unlimited Nights and Weekends."

"I know that," I said through clenched teeth. I could sense the steam beginning to emerge from my ears. "But I was nonetheless charged. Look it up."

Well, give me the line number of one of the items in question.

"I don't have the line number," I said. "I don't actually have the bill with me. But I did see this on my account on the computer. All you have to do is scroll through the calls."

"No."

"No? What do you mean 'no?'"

"No, I won't do that. I need the line number."

Needless to say, this soon devolved into a shouting match, ending with her assurances that I most certainly owe her employer $308.

So that evening when I got home, I immediately went hunting for my bill. It took a while, but unlike Bush and those elusive weapons of mass destruction, I eventually found what I was looking for.

So yesterday morning, I foolishly embarked on my third mistake by calling Sprint's Hey Phil, Let's See How Many Customers We Can Piss Off Today Dept. This time I got a guy, perhaps even Phil himself. I innocently thought this was a good thing, because a guy--unlike those women--would certainly know what he's talking about.

Oh, how very, very, very, VERY wrong I was....

I proceed to tell this guy what's been going on, and that I have my bill with me.

He looks up my account and promptly tells me that I don't I have the wireless web access.

"Yes I do," I say. "I've had it since 2000, and I'm paying $5 a month extra for it." Meanwhile, alarms are going off warning me of dangerously high steam pressure in my head.

So he puts me on hold while he "researches" it. The guy then comes back on the line and tells me that the wireless web access was only added to my account on March 16. Furthermore, that $5 only entitles me to 50 text messages a month. It does NOT entitle me to download data, and THAT's what those extra charges on my bill are for.

"No, no, NO!!!" I scream into the phone.

"Yes, yes, YES" he shouts right back at me, laughing. Yes, that's right. Mr. Customer Service is laughing at an irate customer.

It's at this point that I realize I'm not only dealing with a moron, I'm dealing with a SMARTASS moron. And of all the different kinds of morons that have plagued humanity over the ages, the SMARTASS morons are the worst. The problem is not just that they're too stupid to realize they're morons; that's a fairly typical trait of morons in general. No, the SMARTASS morons go beyond that by thinking that they are actually being smart and clever and witty and know infinitely much more about their jobs than the stupid customer on the phone.

I even go as far as to ask to speak to a supervisor, but the SMARTASS moron flat out refuses my request. "He'll just tell you the same thing," the SMARTASS moron says. And this may quite possibly have been the first time I've ever been refused a request to speak to a supervisor.

We argue a little bit more, but it slowly becomes obvious that the situation is comparable to arguing with a Shiite cleric who shows his gratitude for being freed from brutal oppression by blowing you up.

I hang up on the SMARTASS moron and decide to head back to the Sprint store. I'm not optimistic about my chances at this point, because I know from past experience that Sprint's retail people don't like to get involved in billing issues. They will instead refer you to their We're Here To F*ck With You Until You Get So Pissed Off You Decide To Switch To Verizon Dept.

I get the assistant manager, fall to my knees, and tearfully beg him NOT to refer to the Aggravate Our Customers Until Their Blood Pressure Skyrockets And They Suffer A Stroke Dept. Then I tell him my problem, and briefly describe my earlier trials and tribulations. He pulls up my account and within 30 seconds finds the problem: A coding error. He even flipped the screen around to show me what was going on.

As it turns out, the voice calls and the wireless web calls have to coded separately for the 7PM changeover to unlimited nighttime minutes. And when I had called their I'm A Total Idiot And I'm The One Who Is Going To Represent SprintPCS To Our Customers Dept. last month, the guy correctly coded the voice calls, but then neglected to change the code the wireless web package. In short: Yes, it was Sprint's mistake.

After doublechecking the situation with someone COMPETENT at their HQ, he removed almost $240 worth of overcharges from my account.

So in the end, Sprint admitted its error and all was made right. But was all the other aggravation really necessary? It took the guy in the store--who's not even really trained for this--half a minute to find the problem. Yet three other employees--who supposedly were trained to deal with customer problems--were not only unable but unwilling to deal with my issues. And suppose I had been a Sprint customer some place where they didn't have any retail stores? What then? That poor lost soul's head would have exploded from all the pent up pressure!!

Sprint is the number three cellphone service provider in the United States. But if they continue to abuse their customers like this, it will soon become number four.