Sour Grapes

Many former Nixon aids are understandably condemning Felt's actions as Deep Throat. And I'm sure the fact that many of them did jail time for breaking the law during Watergate is in no way coloring their opinions.

The funniest comment had to have been G. Gordon Liddy's (who did four and a half years in prison for engineering the break-in), who said Felt "violated the ethics of the law enforcement profession." Liddy accusing anyone of violating ethics is a perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black!

Other former Nixon aids, such as Leonard Garment, Chuck Colson, and Pat Buchanan are saying that Felt should have gone to a grand jury or other law enforcement officials instead of the press.

I'm not entirely sure what that would have accomplished. Remember the Saturday Night Massacre? When Nixon ordered Attorney General Elliot Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William D. Ruckelshaus when they each, in succession, refused to fire the special prosecutor investigating Watergate. Solicitor General Robert H. Bork finally carried Nixon's order, an action which years later would cost him a seat on the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, the FBI--at the request of the White House--sealed off the offices of the fired individuals. With the Justice Department under such tight control by Nixon, who exactly would Felt have gone to?

While some of these former Watergate people may have valid points, they also have zero credibility. The facts are that they broke the law, lied about it, disgraced the Constitution, and tried to cover up what they had done. To whine about it now, and to somehow blame someone else for their own illegal actions, is the epitome of absurdity.

Paris, Meet Paris

Congratulations to Paris Hilton, who has now achieved the ultimate act of self-absorption by becoming engaged to Paris Latsis. No doubt when they have kids, they'll be named.... Paris, Paris, and Paris.

No immediate word on what effect her pending nuptials will have on Paris' (the Hilton one) love of hamburgers.

What? Deep Throat Wasn't Linda Lovelace?

In August of 1974, Richard Nixon resigned as President after it became clear he would be impeached for his role in covering up the Watergate break-in. Arguably, the only reason things got to that point was because of the dogged determination of two Washington Post reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, who stayed with story. The two of them relied heavily on an anonymous source who came to be known as "Deep Throat." And aside from Deep Throat himself, only four people knew his true identity: Woodward, Bernstein, Post Executive Editor Ben Bradlee, and the paper's owner Katherine Graham (who died a few years ago). The four of them had long said that they would reveal the real name of Deep Throat only after his or her death.

And that's where matters have stood for the last 30 years. Periodically, someone would come out with a best guess or a short list of suspects, but the journalists would remain mum on the matter. Others have suggested that there was no Deep Throat, that the name was actually a composite of several different sources. Whenever that particular theory popped up, the Post people would at least deny that.

Over the years, dozens of possibilities had surfaced. The list of possible suspects included a number of Nixon White House officials such as David Gergen, Pat Buchanan, Henry Kissinger, Alexander Haig, and even Diane Sawyer (she worked in the White House Press office at the time).

Most recently, rumors surfaced last winter that Deep Throat was seriously ill and may soon die. This happened shortly after Chief Justice Rehnquist was diagnosed with cancer, and speculation quickly centered on him. After all, he had been a top official at the Justice Department during the Nixon administration and would have had access to sensitive files. But again, there was neither confirmation nor denial from the few people who knew the real Deep Throat.

And that was where things stood.... Until this afternoon.

That's when Washington's favorite parlor game of Guess Deep Throat's identity finally came to an end today when family members finally came forward to reveal that the world's most famous anonymous source was W. Mark Felt, former number two man at the FBI. Officials at the Washington Post have since confirmed his identity.

Felt is now 91 years old, living in a California nursing home, and suffering from the effects of a stroke he had several years ago. As to what his reasons were for going to the press, well, one can only speculate. And rest assured that there will plenty of that during the next several days.

Regardless of Mr. Felt's motives 30 years ago, he deserves a word of thanks for reminding Americans that no one is above the law. Most importantly, even if the people are rotten to the core, the system itself is still sound.

Quite frankly, he also deserves one hell of a lot of admiration for keeping silent all this time and not cashing in on his secret. This was something that could easily have gotten Felt a ten million dollar book deal. Whatever else one may say about what he did, that alone speaks volumes.

Remember What Happened The Last Time

In a major setback for attempts to create a "United States of Europe," French voters have rejected the proposed constitution for the European Union. Nine other countries, including Germany, have already ratified the document, which would have created a "President of Europe," given the Union a foreign minister, and made voting faster among member nations.

This is an extremely dangerous move by the people of France. Are they really sure they want to go pissing off the Germans again?

Memorial Day, 2005

---------------Andrea Bruce Woodall, The Washington Post

Rolling Thunder

In what has become something of a Memorial Day weekend tradition here in DC, several hundred thousand motorcyclists rolled into town. And these weren't sissy bikes like Hondas or BMW's, either. We're talking 100% all-American loud as hell Harley Davidsons that reach deep into your chest with their low rumble and rearrange the air sacs in your lungs. That's why the event is called Rolling Thunder, and it's organized by Vietnam veterans to serve as a reminder that there are still over 2000 MIA's from that conflict.

While the main event, involving as many as 300,000 bikes and 500,000 riders, takes place on a route from the Pentagon parking lot, to Arlington Cemetery, and eventually into downtown along Constitution Avenue, that's not the only place to catch a glimpse of them. They actually start rolling into town several days ahead of time, and as the weekend approaches, you start hearing more and more Harleys regardless of where you are.

But the real fun starts on Sunday morning as the riders gather at various staging areas in suburban Virginia and Maryland to begin their procession towards the final gathering point at the Pentagon. Roads are shut down and ramps to the interstates blocked off as they go by. And even miles outside DC, spectators with flags line the streets and gather on highway overpasses to watch them go by.

I wanted to get really close to the action this year, so I staked out a place in the Pentagon parking lot. But as the place began to fill up, I was told to move. So there I was, trying to turn the car around, when I accidentally backed into a Harley and knocked it over. It fell against another bike, which in turn hit another one.

Do you have any idea how long it takes 300,000 motorcycles to finish falling over in a chain reaction? About nine and a half hours. Fortunately that was more than enough time for me to get the hell out of town.

Rumor Has It That It's A 17 Year Old Cheerleader In Poughkeepsie

The Bush Administration has renewed efforts to gain the legal authority to force internet service providers to turn over customer records to the government. Officials say this ability is needed in the fight against terrorism.

Well, good for them! Maybe now we can find out once and for all just who the hell has been writing that stupid Saddam Hussein blog.

Eddie Albert

Actor Eddie Albert has died at the age of 99.

Albert's career in show business stretched back to the 1930's when he appeared in a number of Broadway productions. He eventually made the transition to Hollywood and was in over 100 movies, including a co-starring turn in Brother Rat with some guy named Ronald Reagan. Albert also received two academy award nominations, first in 1953 and again in 1972. And in 1974 he played the prison warden in "The Longest Yard," the remake of which just opened this weekend.

But Albert was not only a showman. He served in the south Pacific during World War II and even won the Bronze Star for rescuing a group of marines under fire.

An amazing life. But will he remembered for any of that?

No, of course not. Don't be silly. None of that trivial stuff matters.

The thing that Eddie Albert will be remembered for, however, is wearing a business suit while driving a tractor on Green Acres.

Now that's a legacy!

Prospects

One of the hottest celebrity romances around at the moment is the one between 42 year old Tom Cruise and 26 year old Katie Holmes. Though there has been no official word from either of them, the Hollywood rumor mill has them getting engaged in the next few weeks.

This shouldn't surprise anyone. Back in her Dawson's Creek days, Holmes said in an interview with Seventeen magazine that she's wanted to marry Cruise since she was 12 years old.

Wow, what a coincidence! I've wanted to marry Britney Spears since she was 12 years old!

Play With The Dark Side

It's best not to f*ck with Lord Vader.

Separation Of Church & State? How Quaint!

It appears that the United States Senate has averted the so-called nuclear option over the filibuster fight. A compromise has been announced which will allow for a vote on the judges in question.

However, it remains to be seen how long this truce will last. The current battle has never really been over the few judges in question, but rather what will happen when vacancies on the Supreme Court open up. And with Chief Justice Reihnquist battling cancer and two other members of the Court in their 80's, it's only a matter of time. That's where the real battle will come. The religious right is hoping to gain a solid majority on the Court so that they can overturn Roe vs. Wade, the 1972 decision which gave women the right to choose whether or not to have an abortion.

My personal feeling on abortion is that I would never have one. Then again, that's easy for me to say since I'm a 46 year old male past my prime childbearing years. But that doesn't give me--or anyone else for that matter--the right to impose my belief system on the rest of the country. The people that now control the Republican party, however, see no problem with shoving their interpretation of the Holy Bible down the throats of 280 million Americans.

The important thing about maintaining the judicial filibuster is that it essentially means nominees have to be acceptable to at least 60 senators. That keeps extremists with personal agendas--liberal or conservative--off the Federal bench.

If anyone still doubts that this filibuster fight has been over religion, they should read this. A number of religious leaders and social conservatives in Iowa has sent a letter to "potential presidential candidates" warning that any Republican senator who opposes abolishing the filibuster rule "will face consequences in the 2008 caucuses." This is directed against Senators John McCain and Chuck Hagel, who are expected to make a run for the GOP nomination (along with Majority leader Bill Frist) in three years. And the Iowa caucuses, of course, are the first real contest between the various candidates.

Enjoy your constitutionally guaranteed separation of church & state while you can, folks. Its days are numbered.

A Sense Of Unity

Laura Bush's visit to the middle east is hitting some turbulence. While in Jerusalem, for example, she was heckled by both Jewish AND Muslim protesters.

It's good to see the Bush Administration serving as a unifying force in this troubled area.

Animal Planet

No, those are not Venus and Serena Williams....

In what is only the latest case of Mother Nature striking back at man, a herd of buffalo recently escaped from a farm near Baltimore. After roaming through a rather exclusive neighborhood, the beasts were finally corralled in a tennis court. They were eventually returned to whence they came, and by now are sitting on someone's dinner plate.

And in yet another example of animals run amok, a mother duck has decided to nest in front of the Ritz Carlton in Georgetown. The Ritz is one of the top hotels in DC, and the wayward foul is being treated like the royalty that often stays there. She is being fed with corn on a silver platter, and drinking nothing but the finest bottled water.

Meanwhile, another mama mallard had set up house outside the Treasury departmentt, immediately next door to the White House. Presumably after passing an FBI background check, she was allowed to stay. Once her little ones hatched, they were transported in a four vehicle motorcade to Rock Creek Park and released.

Breaking And Entering? Not If You're Famous

The rich and the famous are often accused of thinking they are somehow better than the rest of us, or that they think they are somehow above the laws which govern the rest of us. But is that really fair? Are they really that disconnected from reality?

Um.... Yes. They are.

It seems that whenever Goldie Hawn visits the DC area, she likes to stop by her childhood home in nearby Takoma Park, Maryland. Nothing wrong with that, you may be thinking. A lot of people will sometimes drive by their old houses.

Well, yes, and if she were to actually keep driving, then that would, in fact be reasonably normal.

But Hawn is a celebrity, and therefore not subject to the rules of behavior that govern the lower elements of society. That would include such silly concepts as respecting other people's privacy and property.

She will actually go inside--uninvited, mind you--and walk around. On one occasion she stopped by when the owner wasn't home. Did this stop Hawn? No, of course not. She just found an open window and climbed on in!!

If you or I did that, chances are we would soon be picking up Big Bubba's soap at the local jail.

Hmmm.... Maybe Two Plus Two Really Does Equal Five

It seems like every few weeks we're told that something that has long been believed to be bad for us is actually good! For example, last month scientists announced that being overweight is not nearly as deadly as previously thought. Before that some studies determined that salt was not as major a factor in hypertension as genetic predisposition. Years ago, people with kidney stones were told to stay away from calcium. Then it was discovered that a low calcium level actually encourages the body to hoard the mineral and can lead to: The development of kidney stones!! And remember how caffeine was once believed to cause heart attacks? Then they found that many people who drank a lot of coffee also tended to be smokers, and THAT'S what was knocking 'em off.

And how long have we been hearing that sunlight is bad? That El Sol will kill us if we don't cover up, or hide in the shade, or douse ourselves with SPF 60? That exposure to solar radiation will cause us to become hideous tumor covered freaks awaiting a slow painful death from melanoma? This knowledge was every bit as sacred as two plus two equaling four, and if you let your kids run around without some sort of skin protection, you were a horrible, irresponsible parent who should be reported to the local child services agency.

So guess what? Now they have determined that sunlight (in moderation) is --GASP!--good for you!!!! It is necessary for the production of vitamin D, which in turn helps ward off--GASP!--cancers of all kinds. That would include lymphoma, prostate cancer, colon cancer, and--GASP!--even skin cancer!!! So if the sun doesn't kill us, the irony certainly will.

That's it then. I'm giving up trying to live a healthy lifestyle before it kills me. After all, it's only a matter of time of time until they tell us that fat and cholesterol are essential nutrients, and we should all eat as much red meat as possible, with supersize fries on the side and a milkshake to wash it all down.

Gotta go. There's a chocolate cheesecake calling my name.

Lax Security

A report by the Government Accountability Office says that many U.S. agencies are leaving their wireless networks unprotected and fully exposed to hackers and unauthorized users. In fact, any idiot with a wireless card could sit near most government offices and gain access to sensitive files. The report to Congress recommends that all agencies should tighten their security protocols.

Damn.... Looks like I may have to start paying for my internet access.

Puppet On A String

My favorite movie from last year is finally out on DVD, and no, it's not Shrek 2, The Incredibles, Spiderman, The Passion of the Christ, or Seed of Chucky. Then again, I haven't seen any of those, but that won't stop me from forming an opinion.

But one that I did see, and found to be absolutely uproarious, was Team America. It pretty much bombed at the box office (Total of $33 million, ranked 84 for the year), but that was because the film was so poorly promoted.

Team America was made by the same jokers who brought us South Park, and the humor in it is every bit as immature, gross and vulgar. But beyond that, it's also a great satire. The "team" is an elite squad of commandos who go around the world fighting terrorists. In the process, they inadvertently topple the Eiffel Tower, destroy the pyramids of the Egypt, and kill hundreds--if not thousands--of innocent bystanders. Then they act bewildered when everyone ends up hating them.

Their actions are, of course, condemned by the liberal Hollywood elite such as Michael Moore, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins.

Along the way, the movie covers pretty much every stereotypical plot device you find in action movies. The highlight for me, at least, was the speech about the three types of people in the world: Pussies, dicks, and assholes. It was truly moving, and left me in tears.

Another highlight was the sex scene, which actually had to edited to bring the theatrical release down to an "R" rating (The uncut version is supposedly on the DVD). Personally I've never done it upside down on top of the dresser, but apparently it can be done!

Oh, and did I mention that all the characters are marionettes? That's right: Puppets. On strings. And you haven't truly lived until you've seen a Michael Moore marionette with a chile dog in one hand, a big gulp in the other, and various food stains down the front of his shirt as he is interviewed on TV.

Tolerance

USAToday has done a nice article on the Reverend Billy Graham. He is perhaps the only major religious leader that hasn't pissed me off at some point with judgmental pontificating. And that's a point that comes up in the story as well: While many evangelical leaders seek to exclude anyone who disagrees with them, Graham has always sought to include everyone, regardless of their politics.

Contrast that with that bonehead Pat Robertson who said that "God has lifted his 'hedge of protection' around the judges, legislators and voters who agree with allowing abortion or gay marriage or physician-assisted suicide." Spoken like a true believer in the "culture of life," Pat. Now please go crawl back under your rock.

Speaking of people that should continue to hide under rocks, did you hear about the Reverend Chan Chandler? He's the North Carolina minister who ordered all the Kerry supporters in his congregation to leave.

What is wrong with people like that? Don't they realize that attitudes like that make them no better than the Taliban? Well, no, I suppose not. After all, they're right, and everyone else can just go to hell.

Crank Up The Volume--They'll Never Know

One of the great things about Americans is that we value the dignity of ALL humans, regardless of their physical limitations. Why, we have even invented karaoke for the deaf!

A Betrayal Of The Republican Leadership?

In an act that proves there may yet be hope for civility in Congress, Republican representative Dave Reichart has returned House Minority Leader (and a Democrat) Nancy Pelosi's missing shoe. Reichart pulled it out of Tom DeLay's ass where it been stuck for the last several days.

No, no. Just kidding. He found the shoe during Wednesday's hurried evacuation of the Capitol and picked it up. Pelosi had lost her footwear when police literally lifted her out of them in the rush to get her out of the building.

Obviously Reichart is in his first term as a Congressman. If he had only had a few more terms under his belt and time to become bitterly partison, he probably would have known to run the shoe through a shredder first, THEN return it.

De Plane, Boss, De Plane

By now the whole world knows about the small plane that ventured into restricted air space over DC yesterday. The incident prompted evacuations of the White House, the Capitol, and the Supreme Court. In the end, however, it turned out to be a false alarm.

The aircraft, piloted by a student pilot and his flight instructor, had gotten lost and triggered a near state of panic in DC (Eyewitness account--audio). The two men in the Cessna finally realized something was up when the two F-16's that had been buzzing them began firing warning flares. By the time the men turned around, they were about three miles from the Executive Mansion, where they were apparently planning to land and ask for directions.

A flight instructor caused all this commotion!?! Dude, if you take off in a plane with no instruments and no maps, and then act stunned when you get lost, you've got absolutely no freaking business teaching someone else how to fly!

Some criticism has been leveled about the handling of the incident. Mayor Anthony Williams of DC was especially upset that no one bothered to tell him what was going on. Well, sorry about that, chief. But the police had about three minutes to clear over 15,000 people from Capitol Hill, so perhaps they were a bit too busy to worry about making a courtesy phone call. Now go suck on your pacifier.

There is one thing that has been lost in all this talk about the plane almost being shot down: What about the people on the ground? The wreckage would have had to fall somewhere. When the Cessna turned around, it was already over the neighborhoods of DC, and there's not a whole lot of empty space below. Suppose the debris had ended up falling onto a crowded street, someone's house, a hospital, a crowded school, or--heaven forbid--a Starbucks? Would the ensuing mayhem have been worth saving a now evacuated building?

If someone wants to destroy our cherished symbols of freedom, fine. Let them. They're just fancy pieces of brick, mortar, and stone. Those we can always rebuild.

But don't f*ck with my latte.

Big Bang

A Russian astrologer is suing NASA because of a mission in which the US space agency will smash a probe into a comet. The Deep Impact spacecraft is essentially on a suicide run to the comet Tempel 1. The crash is intended to raise a cloud of debris that will enable scientists to study the comet's makeup. According to Marina Bai, if the mission is allowed to proceed, it will "disrupt the natural order of the universe." She is seeking the equivalent of $300 million in damages.

This woman is completely nuts.

When you consider the various appeals that are certain to follow any initial ruling, it becomes obvious that it will take years for this case to wind its way through the legal system. By then, Tempel 1, with its orbit unexpectedly altered by the impact, will have smashed into the Earth and annihilated all life on the planet in an all-consuming cataclysmic fiery inferno.

Miss Bai needs to lighten up.

How Do You Spell Relief?

Over the course of the past year or so the cost of gasoline has almost doubled, and consumers are left wondering why the government doesn't do something to bring the prices under control.

Well, ask no more. The public servants of Maryland have heard our cries for relief, and they have intervened!

It seems that when a price war erupted between several stations in St. Mary's County and drivers were paying as little as $1.99 for a gallon of regular unleaded, the state comptroller's office quickly stepped in and ordered the stations to.... RAISE their prices a nickel!

Yes, it's true. Under Maryland law it is illegal--under most circumstances--for filling stations to sell gas for less than cost. The quick response by the comptroller's office should be enough to reaffirm everyone's faith in the responsiveness of local government.

Oh, and good luck trying to get someone to fix that pothole.

The Horror, The Horror

Horror writer Stephen King recently delivered the commencement address at his alma mater, the University of Maine. He urged graduates to read voraciously and to donate 10% of their incomes to charity.

Ceremonies were briefly disrupted when a demonic car driven by a vampire, accompanied by his formerly dead rabid pet Saint Bernard, drove onto the field and tried to run King over.

I could use one of these!

Class

Last night ABC aired an expose of sorts about Fox TV's American Idol. The chief allegation is that judge Paula Abdul not only helped a contestant during last year's contest, but engaged in a sexual affair with him. And the source of the accusations is none other that the contestant himself, Corey Clark.

Some people are saying that this spells the end of American Idol, but I doubt it. America has no sense of shame any more. Not when a President can bang an intern less than half his age in the White House, lie about it under oath, and still remain wildly popular. Or when his successor can win reelection after invading a country under false pretenses while failing to capture the man who killed 3000 people on 9/11. Or rally to the side of Michael Jackson, who is undoubtedly a child molester. Or stand on highway overpasses to cheer on a washed up football hero who brutally killed two people.

So is anyone really going to care if Abdul is giving more than voice lessons to someone's she's supposed to be judging?

Personally I couldn't care less. I can honestly say that I have never watched American Idol, and I'm damn proud of it.

The really sorry part of this story is Clark himself. The man is a sleazeball, pure and simple. Where's his sense of decency? There is nothing lower than a guy who brags about his sexual conquests.

Hell, you never hear me boasting about the months I spent with Britney Spears, or the one night stand I had with Pamela Anderson, or the fact that I'm the reason Jennifer Lopez dumped Ben Affleck. And you know why I will never bring those things up? Because I have class and respect women, including Christina Aguilera, who made me promise that I would never tell anyone she farted in the hot tub.

Cinco de Mayo de Cinco

Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the date in 1862 when Mexico discovered Tequila. The first batch turned out to have a worm in it, but by the time the inventors found it, they were too trashed to care, and thus a tradition was born.

The day is marked by boisterous celebrations, folk dancing, grand parades, and and operating leaf blowers while drunk.

Pickled Pink

Montgomery County, Maryland is generally a reasonably progressive place. It's solidly Democratic and allows the teaching of evolution in its classrooms, so one would naturally expect its people to be reasonably well educated. Nonetheless, two groups (one of which is from Virginia, so that explains a lot) have filed a lawsuit to block the teaching of a sex education program that includes a video in which a woman puts a condom on a cucumber.

Personally I'd be interested in seeing what the woman does with the cucumber next, but that's not the point.

The course is voluntary and requires the signature of a parent. However, once again a small group is hellbent on imposing its standards on society as a whole. But for once I have to agree with the minority: We should NOT be teaching our kids how to use a condom, regardless of what fruits and vegetables may be involved. The world needs more out of wedlock teenage pregnancies and rampantly spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

There's nothing wrong with an occasional cold sore.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways

The people of Duluth, Georgia are apparently quite angry with Jennifer 'Runaway Bride' Wilbanks for the hell she put them through. The local district attorney is also upset by the wild goose chase, and is considering prosecuting her. And other town officials are threatening to sue her for $60,000, the estimated cost of the four day search. Yet it remains unclear whether Wilbanks actually broke any laws in Georgia.

I must admit to be somewhat confused by the uproar.

A week ago these very same people were literally praying for Jennifer's safe return. And when their prayers were finally answered, they got all pissed off! This makes no sense! After all, doesn't God work in mysterious ways? So aren't they in essence angry at God for answering those prayers?

Jeez.... There's just no satisfying some people.

Those Magical Wizards

Congratulations to the Washington Wizards, who over the weekend had their first playoff win in 17 years! That's right, 17 years, or a whole cicada life cycle! It was May 8 of 1988 and Ronald Reagan was still in the White House when the Wizards beat the Detroit Pistons. And despite making the playoffs a few times since then, Washington never won again until this past Saturday.

And in what can only be described as a bizarre move, the NBA has warned four Wizards players--Gilbert Arenas, Larry Hughes, Antawn Jamison and Juan Dixon--that they were wearing their shorts too long.

Um, okay. I'm not sure about this, and I certainly don't want to start any unsubstantiated rumors, but I suspect that NBA Commissioner David Stern, if he enjoys looking at men's thighs so much, may be the, er, "type of guy" who will really enjoy this Virgin Atlantic commercial.

Lost & Found

This past Tuesday Jennifer Wilbanks of Georgia was reported missing by her fiance. She had supposedly disappeared while jogging. The saddest part of the story was that the couple was to be married today.

This touched off a massive search of the area where she had been running, involving hundreds of police, search dogs, helicopters, and thousands of volunteers. It quickly became a national story. Late yesterday the authorities in Georgia called off the search, saying they had exhausted all possible leads, and searched every place conceivable.

These type of stories all too often come to a tragic end with the discovery of a body. And in the the vast majority of the cases, the killer turns out to be the husband or boyfriend of the missing woman.

Consequently suspicion immediately fell on John Mason, the fiance. After all, he was the one who had reported her missing, supposedly just after she had called. You could even hear the undertone of suspicion in the voices of the news people covering the story. The dark cloud of doubt hanging over Mason became even darker when it was announced he had passed a privately administered lie detector test.

Police, however, were not satisfied. They wanted to administer the test themselves. Mason's attorneys spoke up, saying fine, but we want the exam recorded on videotape. The police said no dice, they never record lie detector tests. This impasse obviously meant Mason was guilty.

Well, a few hours ago Miss Wilbanks was finally found.... Perfectly safe.... In Albuquerque, New Mexico, some 1400 miles from her home. It seems that the pressure of this massive wedding with 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen, and 600 guests had gotten to her. So rather than have a stiff drink, she cut her hair to alter her appearance, boarded a bus out of town, inconvenienced thousands of strangers who gave of their time to help look for her, scared her family and friends half to death, and led the entire nation to think her fiance was a cold blooded killer.

John Mason is a very lucky man. The makeup sex following this is going to be GREAT!!!

Play Ball!

Have you ever taken your dog, cat, hamster, or hermit crab to the vet to be "fixed," only to have your animal companion glare at you accusingly afterwards? Have you ever wished you could give them back their missing doo-dads and make them feel whole again? Or do you just have some sort of strange and highly illegal fetish involving beastiality?

We Americans may not be able to track down those pesky weapons of mass destruction, but at least we are able to find replacement parts for our pets.

Let's Blame Armageddon On Him As Well

Well, that's just freaking great! Not only is the new Pope a rabid conservative, but now there's word that his election foretells the end of the world!

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

The Price of Arrogance

It's been a rough few weeks for the Republicans.

Their downward spiral started last month when they decided to intervene in the Terry Schiavo case. The overwhelming majority of Americans correctly thought that politicians were meddling in matters that were none of their damn business.

Unable to take a hint, House majority leader Tom DeLay decided to make threatening remarks against the judges involved in the case. He later called his choice of words "inartful," whatever the hell that means.

Speaking of being inartful, the term would also seem to describe DeLay's continuing denials that he took trips paid for by lobbyists. But according to yesterday's Washington Post, there are credit card receipts proving otherwise.

The one bit of good news for DeLay: President Bush has reaffirmed his faith in the embattled congressman. On the other hand, that's kind of like the Captain of the Titanic congratulating the First mate for getting the lifeboats in the water so quickly.

And over on the Senate side, majority leader and brilliant surgeon Bill Frist is also busy pissing people off. The struggle is over rules governing filibusters, a form of debate which requires 60 votes (out of 100 members) to bring to end. There are several judicial nominees of Bush's that the Democrats continue to block; Frist wants to end the filibuster option for nominees and allow for a straight up or down vote. A new survey, however, shows that 66% of Americans oppose changing Senate rules just to accommodate the psychopaths that currently control the chamber.

Not content to drop the matter, Frist appeared in a videotaped message to a group of conservative Christians. Frist claims the Democrats' filibusters are targeting "judicial nominees of faith." Gee, and I thought they were just targeting members of the Christian Taliban who are seeking to impose their values on everyone else.

The job of judges should be to interpret laws as they are written, not to transform America into some sort of theocracy.

And then there's John Bolton, Bush's nominee for Ambassador to the U.N. Numerous former coworkers of his have come forward with disturbing tales of his verbal abuse and attempts to have them fired or transferred when they disagreed with him. Bolton is an obvious lunatic, but again Bush has reaffirmed his faith in the man and his principles.

Yeah, and O.J. is handy with a knife.

Republicans took control of the House of Representatives in 1994 with promises to reform what many called the "Imperial Congress." Instead they succeeded only in reaching a level of arrogance in ten years that took the Democrats over five decades to achieve.



P.S.
Solar has reprinted a great article about the Unitarian Jihad. I was so inspired by the piece that I signed up, and will henceforth be known as Brother Gatling Gun of Enlightenment. Those of you so inclined can get your own Unitarian Jihad name here.

Have A Whopper Meal And Supersize It

The United States Department of Annoying Advisories on What We Can Eat has just come out with a NEW food pyramid, replacing the one we had been told was the absolute unalterable truth and would cause us to die of malnutrition if we didn't follow its every detail. Predictably, it emphasizes things like whole grains, vegetables, and low fat crap. Oh, and exercise is now part of the food pyramid. How we're supposed to eat exercise I don't know, but we will no doubt need to dump a whole sh*tload of salt on it just to make it palatable.

Probably wouldn't hurt to deep fry it, either.

Coincidentally, the new nutritional guidelines were released the same day as news of a new study which found that obesity may not be as deadly as previously thought! This is wonderful!!

Screw that new pyramid with the grains, fruits, lowfat meats, and exercise. I'm designing a new one just for me. And my major food groups will consist of Whoppers, Big Macs, Milkshakes, french fries, and potato chips, with a heavy emphasis on the use of a comfortable recliner whenever possible.

Email Your Prayer Requests

The Vatican has posted Pope Benedict XVI's email address on its website, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time until some overly optimistic spammer tries to sell him Viagra.

Progress

WOW!! First the governorship of California and now the Papacy.

Is there anything that reformed Nazis can't do?

Send In The Lawyers

While it may appear that a new Pope has been elected, legal challenges are certain to follow over the sloppy handling of the election. Earlier, for example, crowds in St. Peters Square witnessed white smoke pouring from the chimney on the roof of the Sistine Chapel only to watch it turn it black.

Meanwhile, I'm busy searching for the secret PopeCam, which would give an inside view to what's going on in the conclave. There must be one out there somewhere.

Gender Differences

A new survey shows that less than half of Americans would be willing to vote for a woman President. The poll did not go into specifics as to why, but it's probably because we males are perceived as being much more decisive and likely to think through the consequences of our actions.

Personally I would have to agree with that. After all, a female President might do something stupid and impulsive, like invade a country without first coming up with a viable plan for occupying it.

Fries With That Golden Anniversary?

Today marks the 50th aniversary of the opening of the very first McDonald's restaurant.

Coincidentally, tomorrow marks the 50the anniversary of the very first heart bypass operation.

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

One thing I hate about ordering things through the mail is shipping mistakes. At least if you're physically in a store, you can see what you're buying. You can even touch it, sample it, try it on, and so forth. And when you go to the cash register, you know precisely what you're getting.

But when you order something through the mail (or from the internet), you are trusting someone to not grab the wrong item off the shelf and screw up your order.

For example, one time I ordered a blue shirt from some catalog, but what arrived in the mail was a green one. Pissed me off royally, since I hate green. Another time I ordered some inkjet cartridges and Office Depot sent the wrong dang model number.

And most recently I ordered a pair of size 12 EEE brown shoes from the J.C. Penney catalog and what shows up on my doorstep? Several dozen vials of a deadly flu virus from 1957.

Stuff like that just irritates me to no end.

Stranger At The Door

Yesterday a Chinese man carrying two suitcases showed up at the United States Capitol and demanded to speak to President Bush. This was odd in and of itself, since Bush has enough problems with the English language.

Police officers, fearing the man may have been carrying explosives, held him at bay and attempted to negotiate. Eventually, a SWAT team crept up behind the stranger and tackled him. The suitcases were later determined to be harmless.

Does Tom DeLay Have Rabies?

My faith in my fellow Americans--deeply shaken when they reelected George W. Bush--has been partially restored. A new survey shows that a whopping 76% of the public disapproves of the way Congress intervened in the Terri Shiavo case, while slightly more than half disapprove of Bush's handling of the matter. I'm not sure how you can separate the two; After all, the President made a big production of flying back to DC so he could sign the bill in the middle of the night--but I'll take what I can get.

The survey also shows that 55% of Americans now agree with what I've been saying for a while: Republicans, which used to stand for limiting the role of government, are now trying to use the federal government to interfere with the private lives of most Americans. Well, okay, maybe they didn't specifically say that they agreed with that Lugosi guy, but at least we share the same sentiments.

Slowly but surely, people are coming to the realization that the Christian Taliban has taken over the party of Ronald Reagan. And what disgusts me is that this new generation of Republicans continues to invoke the late President's name even as they kick in our bedroom doors to make sure we're not doing anything more exotic than the standard missionary position.... And only then only if it's with our spouses.... Spouses of the opposite sex, of course.

One of the Republicans I'm most disappointed in is Senate Majority leader Bill Frist. Prior to getting into politics he was a respected heart surgeon in Tennessee. Apparently he's one hell of a doctor, because he was able to view a two minute video clip of Schiavo and announce that the woman was NOT in a vegetative state. Obviously the 50 neurologists that examined the woman in person over the years were all wrong. Thank God we had Frist on the case. I'm sure he was only thinking of Terri's best interests and NOT his probable presidential bid in 2008 which will likely draw heavily on the support of the self-righteous religious zealots who are to save us heathens.

One Republican I'm not disappointed in, however, is House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. The man is nothing more than an opportunistic, headline-grabbing slimebag. And if you have no expectations of someone to begin with, they can't disappoint you.
Still, you have to admire Tom's persistence. Even though the polls clearly show that the public soundly disagrees with Congress' involvement in the Schiavo case, he's not yet prepared to shut his yap. In fact, shortly after her death was announced last week, DeLay came out with one helluva sound bite: "The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior." Of course, he later denied that this was in any way intended as a threat against the various judges who reviewed the case.

No, of course not. Why would anyone get that impression?

And what about the time 17 years ago when DeLay allowed doctors to "pull the plug" on his own seriously injured father? Is Tom going to have to answer himself for his own behavior on that one?

More likely his apparent threatening non-threat was a desperate bid to divert attention from his assortment of alleged ethics violations. Either that, or an outburst brought on by rabies. Actually, if he does turn out to be rabid, that would explain a lot.

What's wildly amusing is that the Republicans are blaming Sciavo's death on liberal activist judges. This ignores the minor detail that it's not the judges who were activist in this matter; after all, they did nothing. In other words, if they're guilty of anything, it's of being inactivist judges. It's the concise that was "activist" in this case, venturing into something that should have remained the most private of family matters.

What's more, many of the judges who reviewed the Schiavo case were conservatives to begin with. Judge Stanley Birch of the 11th circuit court of appeals, who wrote the opinion blasting the resolution passed by Congress, was appointed to the bench by the first President Bush in 1990. Also on the 11th Circuit is William H. Pryor, temporarily appointed to there by George W. himself. He had ample opportunity to disagree with his colleagues but didn't. And it was Justice Anthony Kennedy, a Reagan appointee, who rejected the appeals to the Supreme Court.

So much for the evil liberal judges theory.

Still, perhaps the Republicans were motivated by nothing more than Terri Schiavo's best interests, and critics are simply misinterpreting that as political opportunism. A plausible theory? Perhaps, except that right at the height of the Schiavo hysteria a talking points memo that was being circulated among GOP legislators surfaced. It specifically talked about how to best gain political capital among the religious right by talking about the case. But then a number of conservative bloggers began to say that the origins of the memo were suspicious, and that it was actually forged by Democrats out to make the Republicans look bad.

As it turns out, the Republicans don't need any help from their opponents to look like opportunistic bastards. It seems that the origins of the mysterious memo were finally traced to the offices of a freshman Republican senator from Florida, Mel Martinez.

I'm sure all those conservative bloggers are now tripping over one another trying to issue retractions.

Remember what Ron Reagan Jr. said during the eulogy for his father last year? "Dad was also a deeply, unabashedly religious man. But he never made the fatal mistake of so many politicians; wearing his faith on his sleeve to gain political advantage. True, after he was shot and nearly killed early in his presidency he came to believe that God had spared him in order that he might do good. But he accepted that as a responsibility, not a mandate, and there is a profound difference."

Too bad they don't make Republicans like that any more.

Requiem For A Pope

The world is mourning the passing of Pope John Paul II, who reigned for a remarkable 26 years. His long papacy came on the heels of John Paul I, who lasted barely a month. In fact one reason the relatively young and vigorous Karol Wojtyla was selected in 1978 was that many of the Cardinals had barely finished unpacking after returning home, only to have to turn around and go back to Rome again. They didn't want to have to do it a third time.

So the outpouring of affection for John Paul II is understandable. Indeed, for anyone much under the age of 40, he is simply the only Pope they remember.

One of the most remarkable things I've heard about him over the last several days was something he did at the conclusion of World War II. Many Jewish children had been orphaned during the course of that conflict, and they had been taken in by the Catholic church. As a young priest, he actually pushed to have them returned to Jews so that they could be raised Jewish, rather than Catholic. It is refreshing to hear something like that, when you consider that so many religious fanatics these days insist that their way is the ONLY way and everyone else is going to hell.

But one thing I do have to wonder about are all the people praying for him and his soul. Is that really necessary? I mean, he was the Pope, for crying out loud! If he needs help getting into heaven, what the hell hope is there for the rest of us?

The Times, They Are A-Changin'

If you live in the United States, you may need to move your clocks up by an hour. Last night marked the beginning of daylight savings time in most parts of the country. For those of you not familiar with why we do this, it's to give farmers an extra hour of daylight to work so that they may plant their fields, and harvest their crops.

It is important to accomodate them in an agrarian based society such as ours.

The Internet And Theology

I was contemplating writing something about the Pope dying on April Fool's day, but I concluded that it would be in horrible taste. Even on the web, no one could possibly sink that low.... Or so I thought.

My only question now is perhaps one of nuance: I didn't actually write the joke; I only linked to it. Does that mean I'm still condemned to the fiery depths of hell or am I off the hook on this?

And So It Ends

Finally, she is at peace.

Schiavo Update

Earlier today Terry Schiavo's parents lost another legal appeal with a federal appeals court in Atlanta. This time, however, one of the justices made a point of commenting that last week's attempt by congress and President Bush to circumvent the state courts of Florida was unconstitutional and "demonstrably at odds with our Founding Fathers' blueprint for the governance of a free people."

Meanwhile, recent polls show that as much as 82% of Americans think it was a mistake for Congress to go poking its nose into what should have remained a private family matter. Perhaps even more surprising, 62% of evangelical Christians feel the same way.

Of course, the poll numbers aren't stopping the wackos that continue to protest outside the hospice in Florida. They have been growing increasingly frustrated and angry, and the situation is now detoriating to the point of death threats. Yeah, that makes sense. What better way to demonstrate your love for the sanctity of life than by killing someone.

A number of protesters have been arrested for trespassing when they tried to enter the building with glasses of water to quench Terri's thirst. And what, exactly, were they hoping to accomplish if they actually made it inside and to her room? Pour it down her throat? She can't drink water. She's beyond unconscious, with zero brain activity. She would only end up drowning, and her would-be savior would end up being charged with second degree murder, first degree stupidity, and third degree irony.

But the best story has to be the one about Michael Mitchell, who drove down all the way from Illinois hoping to "liberate" Schiavo by kidnapping her from the hospice. Unfortunately, he tried to rob a gun store using a box cutter. That in and of itself is a bad idea, since gun store owners tend to have access to, um, guns. Mitchell fled out the back door when the gun store owner unexpectedly pulled out a... GUN. Mitchell was later arrested.

It wouldn't surprise me if he also turns out to be a creationist.

By the way.... A lot has been written about Terri Schiavo and how she has spent the last 15 years in a vegetative state, unconscious and oblivious to her surroundings. But prior to that she was a vibrant human being much like you and me, and the Washington Post has done a nice piece on what that person was like.

______________________________________________________

A Final Rhyme
One Last Time
If there's a tumor in his head,
he's gonna be dead.

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It's All Relative
Scientists in China are going to tag the country's remaining giant pandas. This will enable biologists to better track the animals' movements and prevent inbreeding.

Hmmm.... Prevent inbreeding? Maybe someone should tag the people of West Virginia.

Hypocrisy Alert

One of the principle architects of last week's extraordinary decision by congress to get involved in the Terry Schiavo case was House majority leader Tom Delay. It's no secret that poor ol' Tom has found himself at the center of a number of ethics related controversies over the past several months, and some of his critics have suggested that his sudden interest in Schiavo's welfare was nothing more than an effort to divert attention from those problems.

Why, that's just horrible! How can people be so cynical!?!? Mr. Delay's motives in defending Terry Schiavo's right to live are rooted in his strong religious convictions, and his firm belief that people are entitled to live regardless of the severity or hopelessness of their medical condition. Delay has even denounced the pulling of Schiavo's feeding tube as "an act of barbarism." How much more noble can a man be, defending a complete stranger like that?

Well, er, apparently noble enough to pull the plug on his own father.

It seems that in 1988, Charles Delay--Tom's father--was involved in a terrible accident. Doctors advised the family that given the extent of his injuries, there was no hope for recovery and would remain a "vegetable" for the rest of his life.

Even though there was no living will, the Delay family decided that Charles would not have wanted to live that way. Consequently, when his kidneys began to fail, the decision was made not to hook him up to a dialysis machine, and nature was allowed to take its course.

That old adage, "Do as I say, not as I do," would certainly seem to apply to Tom Delay. Of course, he claims that his father's circumstances were completely different, and I suppose that's true: There were no hypocritical Congressmen screaming about acts of barbarism while shamelessly looking to score points with evangelical groups.

Making No Bones About It

Scientists have discovered preserved "soft tissue" in the thigh bone of a T-Rex, believed to have been disconnected from life support 70 million years ago, in Montana. They say that the structure of the still intact blood vessels are similar to what you find in an ostrich, thereby lending more credence to the idea that birds evolved from dinosaurs.

What!?!?!? Evolved!?!?!?

That's absurd!!!! Everyone knows that this whole evolution thing is just a silly ol' theory with absolutely no basis in the bible, and therefore must not be true.

But beyond that, this discovery is rather scary. If these scientists can recover intact DNA from the cells, that raises the possibility that the dinosaur can be cloned.

Well, that's just freakin' great.... If walking down the street and encountering a snarling pit bull isn't scary enough, now I have to worry about being bitten by someone's pet Tyranosaurus Rex!?!?

More importantly, how the hell are you going to find a vet willing to neuter him?

A Prayer For Terry

There is perhaps nothing more difficult in life than having to decide the fate of a loved one who has become incapacitated. Ideally, all the various family members can come to an agreement without resorting to name calling, finger pointing, wild accusations, and outside intervention. And usually in such circumstances, everyone can eventually agree that, in the light of overwhelming medical evidence, it's time to let that person go with whatever dignity they still have left.

However, in the case of Terry Schiavo, fate is not providing her with a simple exit. That poor woman, on top of everything else that has happened to her in the last 15 years, has now become some sort of political football to be tossed about by political demagogues.

When Terry's husband and her parents could not come to an agreement, the courts became involved. That was bad enough, but the state's judicial system eventually decided that she should be allowed to die.

Not satisfied with this outcome, the the Florida state legislature and governor Jeb Bush began sticking their noses into what should have a private family affair. Ultimately the courts slapped them down as well, saying it was none of their damn business. Even the United States Supreme Court twice decided not to get involved.

Thus it was on Friday afternoon that Terry's feeding tube was removed. Finally, it seemed, her ordeal would come to an end. But such was not to be case, as now the Republicans in Congress have decided to save her by pushing through a bill turning the whole mess over to the federal court system. President Bush, not one to pass up an opportunity to grandstand, flew back from his Texas ranch yesterday just so he could sign the bill into law. Sure, he could easily have done that without leaving Crawford, but this way was much more dramatic.

And why have they done this? Why would the Republican party, which once upon a time proudly stood for a less intrusive federal government, get involved in a matter that the state of Florida had finally--after much debate and legal wrangling--reached a conclusion on? Simple: It was a golden opportunity to appease the Christian Right.

At this writing, a federal judge is pondering whether to order the feeding tube reinserted. And regardless of what he eventually decides, the losing side is certain to appeal, and the case will drag on further.

Yes, Terry Shiavo deserves our prayers.... Prayers that God will protect her from the opportunistic politicians trying to save her.

Pass The Viagra

Happy birthday to Actor Bruce Willis, who turns the big five-oh today. Despite hitting the half century mark, the former Moonlighting star turned action hero is not slowing down. He was recently spotted making out with 18 year old Lindsay Lohan. After getting her pants down far enough to reveal a tattoo on her butt cheek, the two took their private little party up to his hotel suite.

This story is disturbing on a number of levels. First of all, Willis needs to start acting his age--and mine, since I'm almost 50 myself. Adult human males like us don't need to be hitting on girls young enough to be our granddaughters. Granted, Lohan is 18 and at the age of consent, but only barely. It's downright pathetic for someone his age to be banging someone who's young enough to still be in high school.

Secondly, Willis' own daughter is 16. What the hell kind of example is this to her? And how would he feel if she started dropping her pants for some middle aged guy? He'd probably be the first one on the phone to report a child molester.

Thirdly, that lucky SOB makes me jealous as hell.

Politics As Usual

With Scott Peterson having bungled his campaign for the office, it now appears that it will be a two man race between O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake for the presidency of the I Killed My Wife And Got Away With It Club.

Intelligent Ignorance

America's descent into the dark ages of ignorance and religious intolerance continues unabated. It used to be that every now and then some backwater county in Georgia or Kansas or some other such place would bring up a proposal to teach creationism in schools, and after the rest of the country finished laughing at them, they would drop the idea.

Sadly that is no longer the case.

Creationism, masked as something called "intelligent design," is making increasing inroads in more and more states. Its backers are using increasingly sophisticated ways to squeeze it into the curriculum of public schools.

The backers of intelligent ignorance argue that evolution is just a theory. Well, yes, I suppose it. But there's a hell of a lot of evidence backing it, and there are no competing ideas out there as to the origin of man--at least none backed with any kind of scientific evidence. And unfortunately science has this pesky requirement that it be backed by evidence.

Is there a place for creationism? Sure, in Sunday school. Creationism, or intelligent design, or whatever smart sounding term you want to use for it, is based entirely on faith. It is theology, NOT science. Merely pointing at the Bible and calling that proof doesn't cut it. That's the kind of narrow minded ignorant thinking that led to something called the Taliban. And yes, I know the Taliban was Muslim, not Christian. But if you go back a few hundred years, the sad fact is that Christianity has its own equally evil skeletons in the closet.

What the hell.... Let's go dig up up Galileo's bones and burn them at the stake. Then we can pass a constitutional amendment making heresy punishable by death.

A Victim Of Circumstances

Accusations continue to fly back and forth over the accidental shooting of a freed Italian journalist and her rescuers. The United States says that the vehicle was traveling at a high rate of speed and refused to stop; the Italians insist the car was NOT speeding and no warnings were given.

But most outrageous of all was Giuliana Sgrena's allegation that she was deliberately targeted by the Americans. According to her theory, the US was upset that the Italians had negotiated with the insurgents and wanted to make an example of her.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!!!

That's absurd. First of all, if we had really wanted her dead, she would not be around today to whine about what happened. The soldiers at the checkpoint would simply have finished her off, as well as every one else in the vehicle. Then we would have blamed the attack on insurgents, end of story.

Secondly, does she actually believe that she's so damn important that a foreign conspiracy would be launched against her? Sounds rather conceited, if you ask me.

The unfortunate fact is they were traveling at night in a warzone, and communications sometimes break down. Bad things tend to happen under circumstances like that.

Were the soldiers trigger happy? Probably not. But I'm not inclined to pass judgement on them one way or another. If I were in the middle of a foreign country with 30 million people trying to kill me, I might tend to be a bit overly cautious. And keep in mind that car bombings happen almost daily in Iraq. In fact, almost 130 people were killed in one blast just a day or two before Sgrena's shooting. Under those circumstances anyone would be inclined to be overly cautious.

Gives New Meaning To 'Being Pooped'

Two nurses on the night shift at a Medina, Ohio nursing home have been charged with giving laxatives to unsupecting patients. Their purpose in doing so was not to some how get back at the patients.

Rather, they were seeking to make life miserable for their fellow nurses on the day shift.

It's Spring & Love Is In The Air

The National Zoo's female panda, Mei Xiang, is in heat. In an effort to encourage her to mate with her male counterpart, Tien Tien, zoo officials have isolated the two lovebirds in a special pen and aimed video cameras at them to record their every move as they make mad, passionate love.

Hmmm.... Kinda sounds like a date with Paris Hilton.

Trial Update

The child molestation trial of the century continued today with an important lesson: Don't show up for court in your pajamas. Most judges tend to take a dim view of that.

Oh, and be sure to pack an extra nose just in case....

Jackson Trial Update

Michael Jackson's accuser finally took the stand today, and his testimony may will be the deciding factor in this trial. If the now 15 year old boy comes across as credible and sincere, the jury will likely vote to convict. On the other hand, if the kid does poorly on the stand and gives the impression that he's lying, Jackson will emerge looking good.

Well, except for his horribly disfigured face, I mean.

So Where's Venus?

For the third time in less than two weeks, Cardozo High School in Washington, DC is closed because of a mercury spill. The first incident occurred on Feb.23, and several sudents were arrested after a review of security tapes. In the meantime, the building was closed down for a thorough cleaning because mercury is considered a hazardous material which can lead to a number of health problems, including brain damage

No sooner did the school reopen after a cleanup by the Environmental Protection Agency that more mercury was discovered in a third floor hallway. School officials then began pointing fingers at the EPA, saying they had done sloppy work; the EPA claimed that the entire school had been cleaned and deemed safe, and that this was a brand new spill done since then.

So a second cleanup was done, and during a final inspection yesterday, what happens? More mercury is found on the floor of the basement! Consequently, the kids are off again today while yet another cleanup is conducted.

What a bunch of sissies!!!! When I was growing up they didn't school close for anything.... Well, except for snow, because that really was dangerous. But mercury? No way! Why, I remember walking to school through waist high piles of toxic waste and radiactive sludge uphill--both ways--and no one gave a rat's behind. And none of us ever suffered any kind of stupid rbain daamge!

A Rant--And It's Free!

Maybe I'm getting cranky in my old age, but advertising is increasingly getting on my nerves. I can certainly understand that if I'm getting something for 'free,' then I should be willing to put up with an ad or two. But if I'm already paying for a product or service, then why the hell should I be subjected to a sales pitch?

What really annoyed me earlier this evening was a gas station I stopped at to fill up. Just as I'm beginning to pump the gas, a loud voice comes booming through a speaker announcing that hot dogs are on sale for 89 cents. Then I come to realize that this same announcement is occurring at each individual pump as customers are buying gas. In other words, it's not a general announcement on the overhead speakers, but one directed at individual customers from a speaker on each freaking gas pump! And it's loud!!

At other gas stations I frequent, I've seen little messages that crawl across the little electronic displays on the pumps, and that's okay. I have the choice of either reading it or ignoring it.

But a loudspeaker blasting at me from two feet away is w-a-y over the line. It's overly intrusive, and there's no escaping it. Plus, if you're already shelling out thirty bucks for a tankful of gas, can you really afford to spring for a hot dog as well?

To me, this is every bit as bad as sitting down in a movie theater--a privilege I've just paid nine dollars for (Twelve if I bought a box of Junior Mints)--only to be forced to sit there and watch commercials. Previews are fine; they give me an idea of what's coming out in the coming months so I can begin saving now for my next trip to the multiplex. And I'm willing to accept a plug for the snack bar. After all, when I run out of Junior Mints I may forget that the theater has a snack bar. So thanks for reminding me that I can always go buy another one.

But do I really need to see an ad for the 2005 Chevrolets? No!!! Save the commercial for when I'm watching The O.C. for free on broadcast TV! For now, just start the dang movie that I just paid good money to see, so I can get out of here sooner, and go buy gas on the way home, only to be told that I need to buy a hot dog for 89 cents, which I don't want because I'm ready to throw up from the three boxes of Junior Mints I just scarfed down at the movies!!!!

Trials And Tribulations

The Michael Jackson trial continues to serve as a beacon of judicial hope for all the world's falsely accused child molesters. Needless to say, the Catholic Church is following it closely.

Now Jackson's attorneys are saying that the defendant's mother tried to shake down other celebrities for money as well, including Jay Leno and Jim Carrey. The lawyers claim that only Jackson had the naivete to not smell something fishy.

Well, that shouldn't surprise anyone. Jackson hasn't been able to smell a damn thing since he lost his nose in a horrible plastic surgery accident.

A Life Of Crime Averted?

A 14 year old boy in Annapolis, Maryland has been charged with assault after hitting a girl with a--GASP!!!--snowball. No word on whether authorities have connected the offender to any other crimes against humanity involving frozen precipitation.

And while this incident may seem incredibly petty on the surface, it is not. This arrest will hopefully keep the youth from sliding further into an abyss of petty theft, drug abuse, grand larceny, murder, and jaywalking.

Indeed, it wouldn't surprise me if throwing snowballs was how the BLT killer in Wichita got his start.

Sometimes Bad Decisions Come Back To Bite You On The Tuckus

Back in the last millennium, I attended George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. And while I never actually graduated, college was the best six years of my life. Consequently I tend to keep up with news about the place.

Last fall Michael Moore was scheduled to speak at Mason, but the invitation was withdrawn after republican state legislators complained. University officials said at the time--and continue to insist--that the decision was made because Moore's $35,000 fee was being paid out of state funds. Godless democrats who will no doubt burn in hell for opposing George W. Bush say the school's administrators simply caved in to critics.

In what had been an unrelated matter, GMU had been seeking to obtain a Phi Beta Kappa chapter. Doing so is apparently a pretty big deal among colleges and universities, and having such a chapter adds greatly to a school's prestige and academic standing.

Well, as it turns out, the Phi Beta Kappa folks turned GMU down. Their decision was based on concerns about academic freedom, apparently raised by the cancellation of Michael Moore's appearance.

I know shouldn't, but I'm laughing my uneducated ass off.

Settling For Two Inches

For the thousands of you wondering what finally happened with the snow yesterday, well, we finally did get some. It started falling shortly before noon and through most of the afternoon, it pretty much melted as soon as it hit the ground. It didn't begin to stick to the roads until after the sun went down. Nonetheless, the fact remains that what did finally occur was nothing of the magnitude predicted the day before.

None of the weather forecasters issued an apology for inducing mass panic among the populace, though they all seemed to offer forth plenty of excuses. This might be acceptable, except that we went through the exact same thing just last Thursday: School cancellations, government workers on liberal leave, salt trucks deployed, and no snow despite the dire warnings of forecasters.

It is becoming increasingly evident that our current crop of meteorologists are incapable of weather forecasting. Yet it is to society's benefit that we should know what to expect from Mother Nature.

Therefore, the obvious solution is to hire monkeys to forecast the weather. If they get a forecast right, we give them a banana. On the other hand, if they get it wrong, we give them electric shocks. Rest assured that before long, the chimps will be doing a much better job than the humans we currently have handling the task.