The Space Oscars

"O-Dor of Uranus?" Good grief. Even I wouldn't stoop THAT low for a cheap, immature laugh.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I would!

Today's Astronomy Lesson

Living on the Edge

It was 31 years ago that NASA launched two space probes towards the outer planets of our humble little solar system. After sending back the first detailed images of Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and yes, Uranus.

Yes, pictures of Uranus are circulating on the internets at this very moment. Now aren't you embarrassed?

Anyway, after passing their respective targets the two craft went in different directions. Voyager 1 turned "north" while Voyager 2 went "south."

The probes are now passing through the heliosheath, which is the outer boundary of our solar system. It's the area where the Sun's solar winds cease and true interstellar space begins. What has surprised scientists is that edges of our solar system are essentially "dented," as opposed to being perfectly round. Voyager 2 encountered the southern boundary 7.8 billion from the Sun, while Voyager 1 did so at a distance of 8.8 billion miles. It should also be noted that these distances are each more than three times the distance of Pluto from the sun.

NASA is currently preparing a mission to send insurance adjusters--hopefully those GEICO cavemen--to assess the dent. It remains unclear who will pay for the damage.

Pass the Preparation P

The International Astronomical Union of Nerds Who Can Never Get Laid Because They're So Damn Picky, not satisfied with having demoted Pluto a few years ago, has decided to reclassify the former planet as something called a "plutoid."

I'm sorry, but plutoid sounds more like a medical term for small hemorrhoids around Uranus.

Oh, What A Relief!

So I'm over at the Bad Astronomy blog last night and there's a post about the MESSENGER space craft which has begun returning photos of Mercury (Related subject: A recent NASA probe recently returned this gem of an image from Uranus). Well, there's nothing I enjoy more than surfing the internets and making intellectually stimulating comments on other people's sites. So that's why I left this little gem behind:

"I heard a rumor that Messenger was actually supposed to probe Venus but ended up at Mercury because of an English to metric conversion mistake by NASA."

I was quite proud of it, and I'm glad to report that the comment did not go unappreciated. Someone named Gary F. even took the time to straighten me out:

"That sounds pretty unlikely, it would be more likely to just fly off into space and be lost. MESSENGER (the acronym refers to Hermes/Mercury, the messenger of the gods) was designed to go to Mercury. You may be thinking of the Mars Climate Orbiter, which was lost because a Lockheed Martin engineering team used English units of measurement while NASA used metric."

It's a relief to know that someone is FINALLY taking me seriously!!

What's Next? A Show Called 'Life In Uranus?'

Tonight marks the return of Life on Mars on BBC America. No, it's not science fiction, at least not in the traditional sense. In fact, it has NOTHING to do with our planetary neighbor.

Life on Mars is the story of Manchester police officer Sam Tyler. After being hit by a car in the present day, Sam wakes up in 1973. He eventually makes his way back to his squad room, where of course he doesn't know anyone. However, the people there were expecting a new transfer, so they accept him.

At the end of season one it still wasn't clear what was going on. Every now and then there are clues that the present day Sam is comatose and the 1973 thing is all taking place in his imagination. But most of the time, he's going about his business and slowly beginning to accept that 1973 is his new reality.

What makes the show work are the contrasts between 1973 and the present day. For example, Sam will be working on a case and he'll suggest taking DNA samples from a suspect. Of course, everyone else will look at him like he's out of his freakin' mind. On the other hand, his fellow 1973 officers don't think twice about beating the crap of a bad guy while Sam is absolutely horrified at such behavior. But beyond the differences in policing techniques, there are a lot of pop culture contrasts as well.

Then there's the female cop, Annie, who is not accustomed to the way Sam treats her: He actually respects her opinions! Such a thing was unheard of 34 years ago. There have also been hints that Sam may be falling for her, which could, of course, get complicated if it turns out he really is in a coma.

Only a total of 16 episodes were made, and supposedly all our questions will be answered when all is said and done. The show has already wrapped up its run in England, so no spoilers from overseas readers, please. That means you, Gordon.

Oh, and the significance of the title Life on Mars? That's the David Bowie song that was playing on Sam's iPod when he got hit by the car.

Word is that an Americanized version of the series is in the works. Rest assured we'll fuck it up.

Sub Space News Alert

A grotto found under Rome has been tentatively identified as the legendary cave where a wolf suckled the twin infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. According to myth, the two were allegedly fathered by Mars, the Roman god of war. Still no word on whether Uranus was involved in the custody battle, though it is unclear why any of your bodily orifices would have been there in the first place.

As adults, the two engaged in a bitter civil war (one NOT triggered by President Bush). Romulus emerged victorious from the conflict after killing his brother.

This is exciting news for Star Trek fans. With the existence of Romulus and Remus now confirmed, many feel it's only a matter of time until Vulcan is found.

Maybe The Man In The Moon Ordered Kung Pao

China has launched an unmanned mission to the moon. It is the first step in the fast-growing nation's goal of landing men on Earth's only natural satellite. China hopes to eventually build takeout stands and factories making lead-based toys.

This comes a day after the world's "sole" superpower--the United States--launched the space shuttle Discovery, a craft held together with duct tape and Crazy Glue--into low Earth orbit. That is not meant to sound harsh; after all, we were actually able to find seven people dumb enough to ride on the thing.

Jiao Weixin, a professor at Peking University's School of Earth and Space Sciences, says that Wednesday's launch is signifies "that Chinese engineers have the know-how to probe the moon."

So why should you care? Well, if a billion Chinese ever decide to expand their "know-how" and send a probe to Uranus, you won't be able to sit down for a week.

Ring Around Something Other Than Your Collar

I don't mean to alarm you, but did you know that scientists have been checking out the rings around Uranus? Doesn't this story make you wish you had been more careful in your personal hygiene?

Quite frankly, this is nothing short of an invasion of our privacy. Unless we're suspected of harboring known terrorists down there, the condition of our most private body parts should be of no concern to the government, or astronomers, or anyone else.... Except maybe proctologists.... Preferably licensed ones.

More importantly, is this information being stored on a secure database? And who has access to this information? Let's face it: None of us want to be Googled by Larry Craig.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish installing my bidet. No more rings around MY anus!!

Love The Earth But Don't Forget Venus

Today is Earth Day, a day during which we should all pause to reflect on the fact that this is the only planet we have. But is that really fair? What of the other planets? Shouldn't they also have their own special days as well? Why not a Mercury Day, or a Mars Day, or a Neptune Day, or a Uranus Day? And if we give Uranus a special day, shouldn't we give everyone's anus a special day as well? And if there's six billion of us, but only 365 days in a year, how would that work? Obviously someone's anus is going to end up on the short end of the stick.

Personally I refuse to participate in such a highly discriminatory and prejudiced concept as Earth Day. That's why I spent the afternoon driving around in a gas guzzling SUV and throwing trash out the window.

I feel better already.

Up Uranus

Scientists studying photos returned from Saturn by the Cassini spacecraft have discovered a bizarre, hexagonal weather system. Normally, on planets with an atmosphere, weather circulates in a circular motion. Baffled scientists are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.

Whatever. Speaking strictly for myself, I'm getting tired of reading about Saturn all the damn time. I wish they'd send a probe to Uranus. Can you imagine the great jokes that would lead to?

Just don't probe mine.

So When Do We Probe Uranus... Or Mine?

NASA has successfully placed its new Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter in orbit around the red planet. This was actually a fairly risky maneuver, as the probe was using the planet's air to aid in its braking maneuver. The slightest error could have caused the two ton craft to either burn up in the atmosphere of Mars or else miss the planet entirely and continue on to Uranus (insert requisite asshole joke here).

In fact, the entire mission has thus far gone off without a hitch. There have been no miscalculations due to metric/English conversions, no problems with the equipment itself, and no embarrassing technical errors by the mission control specialists.

That's too bad. I had some great jokes lined up.

Questionable Personal hygiene

Scientists have discovered a set of rings around Uranus.

Uh, this may be none of my business, but why were you letting the scientists look down there in the first place?

Just Stay Away From Uranus

The Cassini spacecraft, which is due to go into orbit around Saturn on June 30, has sent back dramatic pictures of one the planet's moons, Phoebe. The photos show a pockmarked surfaced, obviously quite old and weathered.

It is not immediately clear if the other five characters from Friends look this bad without their makeup.