Bad News

People with no sense of humor will find this video deeply offensive. As for me, I thought it was one of the funniest damn things I've ever seen.

Putting Jackson's Death in Perspective

Back on June 26 I made pretty clear that I wasn't a Michael Jackson fan, and that I thought the coverage was overblown.

Needless to say, the 11 days since then have only driven me further over the edge.

Then I came across this letter to the editor that ran in the Washington Post on Sunday. If this doesn't put Jackson's death in perspective, I don't know what will.

Here it is, in its entirety.

A Life of Worth, Overlooked

My nephew, Brian Bradshaw, was killed by an explosive device in Afghanistan on June 25, the same day that Michael Jackson died. Mr. Jackson received days of wall-to-wall coverage in the media. Where was the coverage of my nephew or the other soldiers who died that week? There were several of them, and our family crossed paths with the family of another fallen soldier at Dover Air Force Base, where the bodies come "home." Only the media in Brian's hometown and where he was stationed before his deployment covered his death.

I remember Brian as a toddler wandering around in cowboy boots and hat, not seeing the need for any other clothing. He grew into a thoroughly decent person with a wry sense of humor. He loved wolves and history. Most Christmases, I gave him a biography or some analysis of the Civil War. He read such things for pleasure.

He had old-fashioned values and believed that military service was patriotic and that actions counted more than talk. He wasn't much for talking, although he could communicate volumes with a raised eyebrow.

He was a search-and-rescue volunteer, an altar boy, a camp counselor. He carried the hopes and dreams of his parents willingly on his shoulders. What more than that did Michael Jackson do or represent that earned him memorial "shrines," while this soldier's death goes unheralded?
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It makes me want to scream.

MARTHA GILLIS

Springfield

Pass the Jesus Juice

Quite frankly, I'm surprised by the outpouring of emotion over the death of Michael Jackson. I just don't get it.

I completely agree that 30 or 40 years ago, Jackson was a highly talented performer. For several years in the '80s, he certainly deserved the title "The King of Pop." And if he had died in, say, 1987, then I would have agreed that the world had suffered a huge cultural loss. But that was then and this is now. He was a man who had been given huge gifts, and then squandered them.

Over the last 20 some years, Jackson had become a joke. And whatever else his accomplishments may have been, I will forever remember Michael Jackson as a punchline.

Seriously, think back to how this man once dangled his kid over a hotel balcony. One little slip, and his son would have been dead. What the hell kind of a parent does that? And where was the outrage? Instead of condemning his actions, Jackson's fans laughed it off.

Then there were the sleepovers. A grown man sleeping with 13 year old boys? Especially when the grown man isn't even a Catholic priest? Sorry, but that goes well beyond the realm of just being creepy.

And don't even get me started on the Elephant Man remains, the oxygen tent (as Danny's comment on yesterday's post put it: "Guess the oxygen tent didn't help much"), and the whole Neverland Ranch amusement park/zoo thing. Sure, it was intended to appeal to kids, but parents, you'll have to wait outside while Jacko gets your little ones drunk on Jesus Juice.

Give me a frakking break.

Michael Jackson: 1958-2009

Evolution, Or Just A Freak Of Nature?

A six legged calf has been born in Nebraska to farmer Brian Slocum. Well, actually, the calf was born to one of Slocum's cows, not Slocum himself. Just thought I should clarify that particular detail.

Anyway, the calf is now six days old and appears to be perfectly healthy except for the two extra legs. Another unusual feature of the bizarre bovine is that it has both male and female reproductive organs. Such hermaphrodite-like features are extremely rare among mammals, with the last documented case being that of Michael Jackson.

The young heifer was also born with no rectum, One was surgically added so the little fellow wouldn't end up full of shit.

Hmmm.... Maybe key members of the Bush administration should undergo the same surgery.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, But Let's Have A Pajama Party

Michael Jackson recently visited with thousands of American troops at a military base in Japan.

My God.... Has the situation in Iraq gotten so desperate that we're letting 13 year old boys join the army?

Early Election Returns

Congratulations are in order for Michael Jackson, who was recently voted "the most foolish American". Of 1000 people surveyed, 69% voted for the human hermaphrodite, and it is the fourth year in a row that he has won the prestigious competition.

There was a tie for the number two position in the poll between Vice President Cheney and Paris Hilton. Of course, if Paris ends up shooting Nicole Ritchie during the next 12 months, her standing should improve substantially.

George W. Bush came in with a disappointing third place finish.

Do I Know You?

Eleven year old Brennan Hawkins was lost in the Utah mountains for three days, and his family feared the worst. Searchers were stumped as to where else to look, and there was concern the child may have been swept away in a nearby rain-swollen river. When Brennan finally turned up, it turned out that the reason it took so long to find him is that he kept hiding from his rescuers! His parents had repeatedly told him never to talk to strangers, so when all these people he didn't know kept walking through the woods calling his name, Brennan kept running away.

Perhaps what we should start doing is telling our kids that sometimes it really is okay to talk to strangers.... Provided it's not Michael Jackson.

An Easy Way To Always Find A Date

The Chesapeake Bay is famous for its blue crab population. The little critters get their name from their claws, which in the case of the males, have a blue tinge to them. The female crabs of the species, however, have a reddish hue to their claws.

And no, I don't know why they're not called "red crabs." I'm not the one who named the things, so I'm washing my hands of the whole sexist business. But whatever the reasons, it does make it easy to tell the boy crabs from the girl ones.

So imagine the shock on waterman Robbie Watson's face when he dumped his trap and found a crab with one blue claw AND one red claw!

Watson decided to check the underside of the crab's shell. If it were a male, it would have a pattern that resembles the Washington Monument. But if it were female, the pattern would resemble the Capitol dome.

As it turned out, this particular speciman had a wavy pattern, which was roughly a cross between the two normal ones.

According to scientists, the crab is an extremely rare find known as a "bilateral gynandromorph," or a cross between both sexes. It's half male and female, all in the same body.

Hmmmm.... Kinda sounds like a crustecean version of Michael Jackson.

Pass The Jesus Juice

I can't believe Michael Jackson got off on all charges.... Which is somewhat ironic, since getting off is what got him in trouble in the first place.

Jackson has posted a letter on his website thanking his fans, and comparing his acquittal to the fall of the Berlin Wall and the release of Nelson Mandela from prison.

Now there are those who may consider such an analogy rather presumptuous, but I have to agree with the Noseless One on this. Jackson's acquittal--and vindication of his behavior--is nothing short of a huge step forward for the rights of pedophiles throughout this great country of ours. They have been forced to live in shame for too long, hanging out near playgrounds and school bus stops in their trenchcoats, averting their gaze whenever a parent eyed them suspiciously. Maybe now practioners of pedophilia can finally step out of the shadows and go cruising for kids at the local Chuck E. Cheese without fear of what narrow-minded bigots who prefer the intimate company of--GASP-- other adults may think!

At any rate, I've decided that if I ever go on trial for anything--again, that is--it will be in California.... Because no matter how serious the charges, or how overwhelming the evidence, no jury there will ever convict you of anything.

Wacko Jacko Fanos

A verdict in the latest (Typically there's one every 4-5 years) Michael Jackson child molestation case is expected any day now. I personally don't know if he's guilty or innocent, but my gut reaction is that the man--and I use that term loosely--is guilty as sin. Unfortunately I'm not on the jury, and they're not likely to call and ask for my input.

The thing I really don't get about this trial is the constant presence of the fans. They're outside that courthouse every morning and every evening cheering him on. Some of these wackos have gone as far as to quit their jobs and move to California--from overseas--just so they can be there every day.

Are they insane? Have they been bitten by rabid animals and driven into madness?

They constantly proclaim his innocence, which leads to the question: How do they know that? Are they privy to information that the jury never got to see? Do they know Michaeal personally? Have they sat in a chair all night long and watched Jackson as he sleeps with little boys to make sure he doesn't touch their privates?

Just liking a person's music and possessing all his albums doesn't mean you know the guy personally, nor does it give you a window on his soul.

It's like the morons who lined those highway overpasses 11 years ago when O.J. led police on that low speed chase. Why were they cheering him on? Granted, he hadn't yet been convicted, but there's was some fairly solid evidence that the man had brutally murdered two people. And now you're going to go out and cheer him on?

Maybe I'm getting old, but I just don't get the whole celebrity thing.

Besides, why is Michael Jackson the one on trial anyway? The real guilty parties in this whole mess, and the ones that should be facing jail time, are the parents who were dumb enough to let their kids stay at Neverland Ranch. I mean, it's not like you're letting your little boy spend the night with an adult you know and trust.... Like your parish priest.

These allegations about Michael Jackson have been around for years, and still these people let their kids spend the night with him? Even if--however unlikely--the whole thing is "sweet and innocent," under absolutely no circumstances should you be letting your 12 year old son sleep with a 46 year old man. That's just so wrong on so many different levels. How unbelievably irresponsible can a parent be?

On the other hand, if Britney Spears is ever accused of knocking off husband Kevin Federline, I'm quitting my job and moving to wherever the trial is. Because, well, that would just be an entirely different situation.

Trial Update

The child molestation trial of the century continued today with an important lesson: Don't show up for court in your pajamas. Most judges tend to take a dim view of that.

Oh, and be sure to pack an extra nose just in case....