What the Fudge?

A couple of months ago I recorded "Breaking Bad" when AMC reran the series from the beginning. Finally got around to watching the first episode. The commercials are bad enough, but the worst part? The bastards censored the bad language!!! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is THAT about?!?! The reruns aired in the middle of the night on a cable channel, so why is the cleaned up lingo necessary?

I just checked and the series is available for streaming on Netflix. I had dropped them when they restructured their pricing last year, but I guess I'm going back. I do like my dirty words.

Up, Up, and.... Still Up

If I ever find myself with an erection lasting four hours, I'd be more concerned about dying from carpal tunnel syndrome than anything else.

Goodbye to an Old Friend

Orange Crate
1991-November 19, 2009

Why It Hurts When I Pee

There's nothing I enjoy more than celebrating the Fourth with my own personalized fireworks display.

Missionary Position

Yesterday evening when I got home and got out of the car, I immediately sensed that there was danger nearby. I don't know if it's some kind of sixth sense, or just a subtle awareness of what was going on around me, but I could tell that it was time to be on my highest alert. With my senses heightened by the surge of adrenaline, I began to take in my surroundings. I was looking for anything out of the ordinary while simultaneously looking for avenues of escape should the need arise.

And that was when I saw them: Two white males on bicycles at the far end of the parking lot. Both were wearing crisp white shirts, dark ties, and black nametags on their pockets. I recoiled in horror at the sudden realization of what I was seeing: Mormon missionaries.

Fortunately they were heading for the building next door, so I had time to mount a defensive strategy. I ran to my apartment and thought about barricading the door. But then what would I do if there were a fire? I'd die trying to clear the door which I had barricaded to keep from having my soul saved.

If there's one thing I fear more than Mormons, it's dying an ironic death.

So I grabbed a 3 X 5 index card and a magic marker. I simply wrote "NOT INTERESTED" on the card and taped it to the outside of my door.

Sure enought, about half an hour later, I could hear them knocking on my neighbor's door. When there was no answer, they knocked on the other neighbor's door, and then the third one's. Soon I could hear them knocking on doors upstairs. I had been spared!! I was feeling pretty proud of myself. As a precaution, I decided to leave the card on the door overnight.

This morning as I was leaving for work, I took the note down. That's when I noticed something concealed under it. Foolishly I looked. It was a card with a picture of Jesus on one side and some kind of prayer on the other.

F*cking bastards got me anyway.

The Power of Nature

We had some pretty big thunderstorms roll through the area last night, so it was a good time to go out and buy some lottery tickets.

You see, I once read that your odds of winning the lottery are about the same as being hit by lightning. Consequently, to improve my chances of becoming a multi-millionaire Powerball winner, I only play the lottery during thunderstorms. So whenever it looks like a storm is approaching, I run across the street to the 7-11 and load up on tickets. Then I run back home, climb up on the roof, wrap myself around the big metal TV antenna, and start scratching away.

Unusual? I suppose. But nowadays, it seems like a better retirement plan than investing in the stock market.

Only problem was that during this last storm the wind blew the ladder away, so I was stuck on the roof all night. I finally shimmied down the drainpipe, and boy, are the insides of my thighs raw!

Joining the Dark Side

Although I've been writing this blog for something like six years now, I've resisted the urge to do the Facebook thing. However, last week, in a moment of profound weakness, I gave in and joined. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I feel like I surrendered to the temptations of the Dark Side. I keep expecting Darth Vader to show up at my front door and chop off my hand. If he does, I'm hoping he takes my left one so my sex life remains unaffected.

For the most part, anything you read in my Facebook notes will have first been posted here at MM&M. However, not everything here will make it over to Facebook. Though I toyed with the idea of linking the two--it's possible to set it up so anything you post on Blogspot also shows up on Facebook--I decided not to. The fact is that I occasionally discover typos that I missed before posting an item. And while I hope it's not considered cheating, I do go back and correct them. You can't do that on Facebook if a posting arrived via a feed from Blogger--only if it's an "original" item.

Make sense? That's okay, I'm confused, too.

Thanks to Facebook, I've also managed to find several people from my 1977 high school class. And judging by the growing pile of restraining orders, they were even more surprised that I found them.

There is one catch: Facebook requires potential readers to sign up. But if you're already a member, or decide to join me here on the dark side, feel free to pay me a visit. If you decide to do the friend thing, mention in the request that you came from the blog.

Oh, and don't be confused by the name Andrew B. Cseplo. In order to preserve my anonymity, I resorted to using an alias.

More Pirates After Your Money

One of the most annoying pop-up ads out there is the one one for Classmates.com. Those damn things even manage to plague my Firefox browser (along with Netflix). Well, a couple of weeks ago I finally caved in and signed up for the basic service.

Then I discovered "The Catch."

Since I joined I have gotten two emails saying that people have left messages. And who might these people be? Well, I have no idea. The only way you can check to see who has been trying to contact you is to sign up for the so-called "Gold Membership" which--surprise, surprise--costs money!

I'm not falling for it. I once made the mistake of joining Facebook (or maybe it was Myspace--I can never tell them apart) and within 30 seconds I had a brand new friend!! I was all excited until I discovered that "new friend" was actually the CEO and founder of the website, and he automatically becomes EVERYONE'S friend when you join. Kinda creepy, if you ask me. I'm thinking of taking out a restraining order against him.

I was crushed to discover that I wasn't so special after all, and the entire experience left me broken and cynical. So I'll be damned if I going to cough up $59 for two years only to discover that my messages are actually from someone at classmates.com welcoming me to the site.

On the other hand, what if it's the cheerleading squad finally offering to let me play with their pom-poms?

Such a dilemma....

Adieu

Over the course of the last several months, several people have asked me what I'm going to write about once Bush is gone. I really haven't had a good answer until now:

Nothing.

I'm done, spent, tired, and out of ideas. Bush's departure really doesn't have anything to do with it, but it nonetheless seems like a fitting time to hang up my keyboard. While writing this blog has been mostly fun over the years, I no longer feel like I have the motivation to write worthwhile posts.

Quite frankly, this site has never caught on with readers. Sure, there's a handful of loyal readers like Gordon, Danny, Mary, MK, Paradise Driver, and Arby, but that's really about it. Even worse, readership over the last few months has dropped off considerably. Lately there have been days when I didn't even break 30 hits a day. I was starting to feel like a print newspaper. And most of those visits come from search engines and people who never bother coming back.

But what really burns my behind is that 'Saddam's Cyber Palace' still ROUTINELY gets three or four times the traffic 'Mirth, Musings, & More' does. Seriously. The guy's been dead for over two years, for crying out loud!!!!! And people would still rather hear from him than me!?!?!?!

Clearly, when you start getting jealous of deceased bloodthirsty dictators, it's time to re-evaluate your priorities.

So.... Those of you who have been with me for these last five years, I thank you. Perhaps some day I'll get back to blogging, but for now I'm clicking my last "publish post" button.

Who Says I'm Worthless?

Guess I'm Screwed

Well, this is certainly depressing news.

18%

How Do I Remove Dried Spittle from My Monitor?

You know, there's nothing I enjoy more than working myself into a good lather. That's how it was yesterday with the whole stupid Firefox 3.0 thing. When I discovered that the old Session Saver add-on wasn't compatible with the new version, I got really pissed. I immediately uninstalled it, then went to Google and started looking for the old version 2.0 so I could download it.

That wasn't as easy as you might think. The official Mozilla site was only offering the new 3.0 version. Even sites that said they had the old 2.0 had already updated their links so you would end up downloading 3.0 instead. By the time all was said and done, I was frothing at the mouth like some sort of rabid animal. The cats even offered to take me to the vet for my shots.

So that's why I'm really, really pissed at Dogbait. He left a comment yesterday that Session Saver was actually built into Firefox 3.0; it was no longer just an optional add-on.

So I tested it out by downloading the new Firefox onto my old computer, opening a bunch of tabs, actually typing text into an email, and then yanking the power cord out of the back. Then I plugged it back in, and when I clicked the Firefox icon on the desktop, it asked if I wanted to restore the old session. Lo and behold, all the tabs reappeared, and even the text I had been typing was still there in mid sentence. And yes, even my beloved Walnut for Firefox theme was working as well.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm positively giddy with delight.

So that now leaves me with a dilemma. I can either admit I was wrong and that all that outrage yesterday was wasted, or I can redirect my anger and frustration at some new and completely innocent target.... Like McDonald's coffee.

But I'll save that for another post. Right now I have to finish downloading Firefox 3.0 on my computers.

Firefox Update: The Egg Hatches

I was finally able to access the add-ons page and download an updated version of Walnut for Firefox. However, I think I'll keep walking in circles and mumbling incoherently simply because it feels so darn good.

However, here's the REALLY bad news about Firefox 3.0: The Session Saver add-on no longer works, and there doesn't appear to be any update for it. If you're unfamiliar with Session Saver, it is simply the best damn thing since the invention of sliced bread. If your computer crashes, or there's an unexpected power outage, Session Saver would restore all your tabs and even any existing text you had been typing when you reboot. It was, in my estimation, the single best feature of Firefox. Or, more precisely, USED to be the single best feature of Firefox.

If there's no fix for this, there's really no longer any point of using Firefox.

--UPDATE--

Call me old fashioned, but I ended up uninstalling Firefox 3.0 and switching back to 2.0. I was able to find a download of the old version online.

Firefox 3.0 Lays an Egg

Well, today is the big day for downloading the much ballyhooed Firefox 3.0, which is supposed to be the computer equivalent of the second coming of Christ.... Or at least several simultaneous orgasms.

So are they going to succeed in setting the new record, whatever it may be? Probably, since apparently there wasn't an old record to break. Even so, Firefox was apparently unprepared for the crush.

The new version became available for downloading at 1 PM (eastern) but a lot of users are having problems accessing the site. It took me maybe a dozen tries, but I finally downloaded it onto my laptop about an hour ago.

If you have some add-ons you can't live without, you may want to hold off on Firefox 3.0. My Session Saver survived the switch, but my Walnut for Firefox theme did not. So now I'm left with a generic light blue theme. I'm really NOT HAPPY about this turn of events, either. I've used the Walnut theme for years now, and I have absolutely no desire to go hunting for a new one. I'm like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man: I can't handle change, and when confronted by unfamiliar surroundings I become disoriented, begin walking in circles, and mumbling incoherently to myself.

I did try going to the add-ons page, but that's also inaccessible at the moment.

My desktop has even more add-ons that I'm not willing to risk. Think I'll keep good ol' Firefox 2.0 on it.

A Time For Tradition, & A Time For Change

Last month a woman by the name of Mildred Loving died in Richmond, Virginia. She wasn't particularly famous, though she did an absolutely amazing thing in 1958: She got married.

What's the big deal about that, you ask? Well, Mildred was black, and she married (GASP!!!!) a white man. Such a thing just wasn't legal in Virginia, even in the second half of the 20th century.

She and her husband to be had driven 80 miles to Washington, DC for the wedding, then another 80 miles back to Central Point, Virginia to begin their life together. It was a rural area, and no one seemed to mind that there was a mixed race couple living among them. Nevertheless, the local sheriff and several deputies kicked in the couple's door in the middle of the night and arrested them on charges of "cohabiting as man and wife, against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth."

They avoided additional jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia. However, the couple eventually wrote then Attorney General Robert Kennedy, and their case ended up in front of the Supreme Court. Virginia's law barring interracial marriages was finally struck down exactly 41 years ago today.

I bring this up for up two reasons. First, the California supreme court recently ruled that same sex marriages are legal in the state. For legal reasons, the ruling takes effect June 16. Complicating the situation is a ballot measure to amend the state's constitution defining marriage as being between a man and a woman. Assuming the amendment passes in November, that would effectively render the court's ruling null and void. But what will happen to the marriages that were legally performed between June 16 and the effective date of the amendment? That's the big unknown at this point. The only thing that is certain is that the lawyers will have a field day.

The second reason I found Mildred Loving's passing noteworthy is because I went to a same-sex wedding this past weekend. It was in Virginia, so the marriage isn't legally binding. Not at all surprising, since this state has repeatedly demonstrated it's not big on change. The couple chose June 7 because it also happened to be the tenth anniversary of their meeting. I was invited because we're all in the same Battlestar Galactica group. And I was only more than happy to attend since there was free food involved. Well, okay, there's the whole sharing of a special day thing, too.... But mostly it was about the food.

The ceremony was in a Unitarian Church. Not surprising, since if it had been in a Catholic Church, the skies probably would have been torn asunder, the ground would have shook, and a rain of fire and brimstone would have disrupted the cutting of the cake. But Unitarians are a more laid back bunch, so there was none of that silly wrath of God stuff.

Funny how God's vengeance tends to vary by denomination.

Anyway, what was most noteworthy about the ceremony is that, well, it wasn't all that different from a "regular" wedding. There was probably just over 100 people in attendance, including families. And during the reception, just like at a more traditional wedding, little kids were running around being obnoxious. And just like at regular weddings, I would stick my foot out, trip the little varmints, and then act all apologetic when they went sprawling and screaming across the floor.

In other words, the wedding was simply about two people picking a special day to formalize their commitment to one another, and inviting their friends and families to share in the celebration.

And isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about?

If I Had A Hammer, I'd A-Hammer The Cable Company

While at the wedding, I had the pleasure of meeting one of my personal heroes. No, no, not Britney Spears. Rather, it was a woman named Mona Shaw. I even went as far as to ask for her autograph.... Several times. She finally relented just before I was served with the restraining order. She was there because she's a member of the local Unitarian congregation that hosted the ceremony, as is the couple who were getting married.

Last fall 75 year old Mona and her husband found themselves getting jerked around by cable giant Comcast. First the company's technicians were late for an installation; then when they finally did show up, they only did half the work, etc. Sadly, Comcast is well known for treating customers like they were steaming piles of doggy-do, so the Shaws probably shouldn't have been surprised.

Anyway, with their cable service now cut off entirely, the couple went to the local Comcast office in Manassas, Virginia and asked to speak to the manager. They were told to wait, which they did.... For several hours.... Until someone finally told them the manager had left for the weekend.

The following Monday Mona grabbed a hammer--and her husband--and headed back to the Comcast office. When they tried to brush her off again, she took the hammer and started smashing keyboards and computers. Several cops eventually showed up, as well as the rescue squad. During all the excitement, Shaw had begun hyperventilating and her blood pressure shot up.

In my defense, I'll just say that I wasn't the only starstruck idiot there. At least two other people also asked her for autographs.

Missing The Good Old Days

Sometimes I marvel at how things have changed over the last 35 years. For example, when I was in high school in the mid '70s, digital watches were just starting to appear. I had a really cool one that was normally blank, but if you pushed a button, then numbers composed of red glowing dots would light up. But then someone came out with one that would light up whenever you flicked your wrist, and I thought that was the coolest thing since, well, since that color TV I had once seen in a store.

Pocket calculators started appearing about the same time. If you wanted one of the really sophisticated ones that could add, subtract, multiply, and (GASP!) even divide, it would have set you back almost $100.

Even more amazing, back then we actually believed that America would never ever end up with a worse President than Richard Nixon. Boy, were we naive.

But alas, there was no internet. Even worse, no internet porn. And if we had to do a paper, we would have to actually go to a place called a library, which was full of books made of paper. So how did we know which books to look up? Well, there was no Google. Instead we had something called the Dewey Decimal System. The numbers were kind of like URL's for the books.

Yes, it was a raw and savage existence. Sometimes I even had to fight off sabre tooth tigers during my five mile walks to and from school.... Through snowdrifts.... Uphill.... Both ways.

And sex lives? Forget it. That was something that was reserved for the captain of the football team. So when I see something like this, I have to wonder if today's kids realize just how damn lucky they are.

Button It, Part Deux

Hmmmm.... Apparently Brian at Glossy News read yesterday's post thanking him for my new animated link button, and publicly shaming him for not including a shot of Britney without her underwear.

Well, apparently this clever psychological ploy on my part worked. He has prepared an alternate button. That last frame goes by pretty quick, and here's a close-up of the image. It certainly looks like the infamous Britney photo, and that's definitely a pussy. Whether it's her pussy, however, may be open to debate.

Button It, Pal

Special thanks to Brian at Glossy News/Perplexing Times (there are also feeds at the bottom of this page) who took the time to design a flashing Mirth, Musings, & More button. His effort is greatly appreciated, even if he did decline to incorporate the picture of Britney without her undies into the image.

If anyone is so inclined, feel free to steal it.

Is Google Losing Its Mind?

One of the fun things about Google is that they change logo for certain holidays. On Christmas day they give it a "Christmasy" look, on Halloween they add pumpkins to their logo, etc. I don't mind that sort of thing.... Within reason. And if you move your cursor over the logo, you get a brief a message explanation of what's going on.

Well, earlier this week I went to Google, and the logo was all weirded out again. Turns out it was the 60th anniversary of the invention of the laser. I thought about it, then decided it was okay to observe that. After all, Google is a technology company, we're obviously using computers, so fine, there's an obscure connection of sorts there.

But then today I went to do a search and this is what I found:

Thoroughly mystified, I moved my cursor over the image and came up with the name "Walter Gropius." Now if you're anything like me, your first thought was "Who the f*ck" was Walter and why is he deserving of his own special Google logo?"

I clicked on the link, and it turns out that he was an architect. He designed some reasonably well known buildings, but nothing particularly spectacular. It's not like he built the freakin' Sistine Chapel. And as far as I can tell, he didn't design Google's headquarters building either. But yet he gets his very own Google logo? WTF?

Like I said, I don't mind an occasional exhibition of frivolity by Google, but this is getting ridiculous.

And yes, I'm just a little bitter I don't get a special logo on my birthday.