When the Saints Come Marching in

Shortly after hurricane Katrina hit the gulf coast in 2005, several religious leaders said that the storm was God's way of punishing New Orleans for its loose morals. If we accept that theory as being true, what are we to make of the Saints' first ever trip to the Super Bowl? Wouldn't their victory in yesterday's NFC championship game also then be a manifestation of God's will?

Clearly God has loosened up over the last four and a half years. Not only does He no longer hold a grudge against the people of New Orleans, but by delivering victory to the city's NFL team, it is now obvious that the lord almighty specifically endorses the homosexual lifestyle and sexual debauchery for which the city is so well known.

I wonder if any ministers will be preaching THAT this coming Sunday.

No Tiger in ATT's Tank

ATT has become the latest big company to end its sponsorship of Tiger Woods.

On the bright side, Woods' agents are in negotiations with Trojans Condoms.

Did the Dogs Get a Second Chance?

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has inexplicably decided to "conditionally" reinstate Michael Vick. What this means to Vick is that after serving a six game suspension, he will be eligible to play for any team that signs him. As of now, no one has done so, but that's only a matter of time.

It also means that I won't be watching football for a while. At least not as long as Vick remains a player.

For the last several years the NFL has been focusing on presenting itself as a family fun type of sport. They've even taken steps to throw out overly rowdy fans who scream curses at games. That was done in response to complaints from parents who didn't want to expose their kids to such language.

The NFL has also taken steps to try to clean up its players off field behaviors. Arrests for any offense often result in player suspensions.

So then what the hell is the NFL thinking? Well, Vick still has a lot of fans and supporters out there. They argue that Vick served his sentence for running a dogfighting ring and deserves a second chance.

Um, why?

Playing in the National Football League is not a right. As far as I can tell, there is nothing in the United States Constitution about it. No, if anything, it's a privilege that has to be earned through hard work. And since so many kids look up to their favorite players, it also carries a certain responsibility. Many players may disagree with that, but they need to remember they're being paid millions of dollars a year to play a freakin' game. If they can't handle that basic truth, maybe they should go work for a living like the rest of us poor schlubs.

What Vick did was not a victimless crime. Hundreds of dogs were killed by him and his associates, all in the name of a brutal and barbaric "sport." If the NFL is truly serious about cleaning up its image, it should have told Vick to take a hike.... Off the field.

Notre Dame to God: Go to Hell

Last weekend folks on the Christian right threw a fit when President Obama--an abortion rights supporter--delivered the Commencement address at the University of Notre Dame. Since it's the nation's top Catholic school, loyal members of our nation's Christian Taliban considered the President's appearance some sort of affront to God. And since God is apparently powerless and can't take care of himself, the protesters decided to defend the almighty with picket signs and poster boards.

Now comes word that Notre Dame's football team wants to revive an old tradition: Annual games in Yankee Stadium against Army. It was one of those games in 1946 that produced a legendary 0-0 tie.

But wait.... New York state voted for Obama in 2008. And thanks to the wackiness that gripped the Notre Dame campus last week, everyone now knows that Obama advocates the formation of abortion squads that would kidnap pregnant women off the streets of America and forcibly remove their fetuses. The state also elected Hillary Clinton--another big abortion rights supporter and alleged relative of the infamous Bill Clinton--to the Senate in 2000. New York has also decided to recognize same sex marriages performed in other states.

Clearly, New York is a hot bed of godless liberal behavior. So why would the good people of Notre Dame want to associate with such heathens? Wouldn't it essentially amount to an endorsement by Notre Dame of abortion and gay marriage?

I'm sure the massive financial windfall from a nationally televised Notre Dame/Army game, to be played in the brand spanking new Yankee Stadium, has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Bring It On

Congratulations to swimmer Michael Phelps, who has won his eighth gold medal of the Beijing games. This sets a new record for the number of golds won by an individual at a single Olympics. The previous mark of seven had been set by Mark Spitz at the 1972 Munich games.

That's all fine and dandy, but can Phelps simultaneously operate six different remotes, controlling half a dozen electronic components of a home entertainment system, all while removing a cold can of Bud from the built-in cooler in the armrest of his recliner?

I'm ready to defend my title any time he thinks he's man enough to challenge me.

Not so Special Olympic Moments

Many people were in awe of the Olympics' opening ceremonies. Unfortunately, it turns out they were more fake than the moans from a dime store hooker.

First, remember those spectacular fireworks? According to Beijing Olympics officials, the aerial shots of the display were the product of 3-D special effects prepared ahead of time. But they have a good excuse: The city's smog filled skies would have made the fireworks difficult to see from a distance. Also, there was concern that it would have been dangerous to actually have a helicopter in the area while fireworks are exploding in midair.

Oh, and that cute little girl that sang the patriotic Chinese song. She was lip-syncing to a tape recorded by a different little girl.

And why would Chinese officials have pulled such a switch? Well, they decided the little girl that actually sang the song just wasn't cute enough. Even worse, she had buck teeth.

Well, okay. As long as they had a good reason.

Providing A New Slant on Things

Spain's Olympic basketball team is in some hot water over a controversial photo in which they all seem to be doing the ol' "slanty-eyed" gesture. What the heck were they thinking when they did this? We are in the 21st century, yet we still have people in this world who resort to such childish, crude, immature, and grossly insensitive behavior?

Okay, so I do the exact same thing whenever an oriental lady cuts me off in traffic. But at least I have enough damn sense NOT to do it when I know I'm going to be surrounded by 1.3 billion of them.

Olympic Update

American swimmer Michael Phelps has now won two gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. He is hoping to win eight golds, which would break the previous record of eight set by Mark Spitz at the 1972 Munich games.

Meanwhile, China has taken a commanding lead in the Lunatic Stabbing Foreign Tourists Then Hurling Himself Off a Sixty Foot Balcony contest, which is a recent addition to the 2008 games.

I Can't See Clearly Now

Doing His Part

Creating a Poop Free Zone

Wimbledon tennis tournament officials, in an effort to garner some free publicity and re-ignite international interest in their sport, have hired marksmen to shoot and kill pigeons. The dangerous birds had been pooping on an outdoor restaurant area and "dive-bombing" the players. The pigeons also distracted tournament officials from their usual pastime of torturing and dismembering Koala bears.

Good news: So far it appears the move to kill the birds has generated PLENTY of publicity!

Olympics Update

Burma continues to lead the 2008 disaster Olympics with an estimated 100,000 dead from the cyclone that hit two weeks ago. That total may continue to grow as disease and starvation spread among the survivors.

China remains a distant second, with only 50,000 feared dead from last week's massive earthquake. That total may grow if disease begins to spread among survivors, but experts don't see anyway it can overtake Burma's early lead.

The United States remains a dark horse in the competition. No serious entries yet, but with the 2008 Atlantic hurricane season starting on June 1 and President Bush still in office, the nation may yet manage to field an formidable late entry.

Why Not Burn Witches During The Seventh Inning Stretch?

Alert members of the New York Yankees baseball organization recently learned of a terrorist plot targeting their new stadium. Acting swiftly, they managed to foil it.

So what was this horrible plan directed against American baseball's best known team? No, it wasn't a truck bomb in the parking lot or some crazy Al Qaeda dude in a suicide vest. This was actually something far more sinister.

It seems a construction worker, in a brazen attempt to jinx the Yankees, buried a Boston Red Sox team jersey in the new stadium. Team officials learned of the rogue bricklayer's plan and took swift action to break the curse before it could even begin. They spent five hours jackhammering through solid concrete to get to the evil shirt and remove it from the corridor in which it had been embedded.

In an effort to insure that the new facility was free of any lingering evil spirits, team augurs afterwards read the entrails of goats while a witch doctor sacrificed virgins on the pitchers' mound.

Beware Of "Fake Christians"

For anyone out there who may not be familiar with him, Charles Barkley is a former basketball player and was one of the top stars of the NBA a few years ago. He's not generally known for his eloquence, but in this particular case he makes more sense than 90% of the "professional" political commentators out there.

Then again, most paid commentators wouldn't have the cojones to say that many religious leaders are "fake Christians."

(Thanks to RcktMan's Launching Pad for the video)