Is That a Communion Wafer in Your PocketOr Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Faced with an impending trial involving multiple cases of child abuse, and the possibility of shelling millions of dollars in settlements, the Archdiocese of Delaware has filed for bankruptcy.

And these are the same people who have the audacity to lecture the rest of us on morality? Give me a freakin' break.

Did the Dogs Get a Second Chance?

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has inexplicably decided to "conditionally" reinstate Michael Vick. What this means to Vick is that after serving a six game suspension, he will be eligible to play for any team that signs him. As of now, no one has done so, but that's only a matter of time.

It also means that I won't be watching football for a while. At least not as long as Vick remains a player.

For the last several years the NFL has been focusing on presenting itself as a family fun type of sport. They've even taken steps to throw out overly rowdy fans who scream curses at games. That was done in response to complaints from parents who didn't want to expose their kids to such language.

The NFL has also taken steps to try to clean up its players off field behaviors. Arrests for any offense often result in player suspensions.

So then what the hell is the NFL thinking? Well, Vick still has a lot of fans and supporters out there. They argue that Vick served his sentence for running a dogfighting ring and deserves a second chance.

Um, why?

Playing in the National Football League is not a right. As far as I can tell, there is nothing in the United States Constitution about it. No, if anything, it's a privilege that has to be earned through hard work. And since so many kids look up to their favorite players, it also carries a certain responsibility. Many players may disagree with that, but they need to remember they're being paid millions of dollars a year to play a freakin' game. If they can't handle that basic truth, maybe they should go work for a living like the rest of us poor schlubs.

What Vick did was not a victimless crime. Hundreds of dogs were killed by him and his associates, all in the name of a brutal and barbaric "sport." If the NFL is truly serious about cleaning up its image, it should have told Vick to take a hike.... Off the field.

The Loss of Our Collective Humanity

Well, this is certainly outrageous. A man in Oklahoma City was sitting at a bus stop getting ready to eat a bologna sandwich. Another man then walked up, punched him in the face, and took the sandwich.

What the hell is wrong with people? Is this what our society has come to? Shouldn't we, as part of a supposedly civilized society, be above such things? Perpetrating senseless acts of violence against our fellow man just so we can steal his bologna sandwiches? My God.

Now if it had been a pastrami on rye, then yeah, I could understnd it.

Suicide or Murder?

It was last Thursday morning that actor David Carradine's body was found in a Bangkok hotel room. Police quickly ruled it a suicide, saying he had hung himself. The family apparently wasn't satisfied with that explanation and called in the FBI to assist in the investigation.

More information has now emerged about the actor's death. Among the disturbing details is that in addition to having a rope around his neck, Carradine also had ropes around his genitals and wrists, suggesting that he may have been tortured.

Hmmm.... Can Dick Cheney account for his whereabouts last Thursday?

Time for a Good Old Fashioned Book Burning

So the Bible now condones cold-blooded murder? In a church, no less?

George Tiller, an abortion doctor, was shot and killed in his Wichita church. The suspect was later stopped and arrested on interstate 35 in Kansas about 170 miles from the scene of the shooting.

The killer also threatened to shoot two other bystanders who tried to restrain him. They apparently weren't abortion providers. It remains unclear how menacing two innocent people would have pleased God. More importantly, the fact that the shooter fled the scene only demonstrates that he knew what he had done was wrong.

Randall Terry, founder of the anti-abortion group Operation Rescue, weighed in on the crime by calling Tiller a "mass-murderer." He was not totally without compassion, however, adding that "We grieve for him that he did not have time to properly prepare his soul to face God." It remains unclear if Tiller's wife, four kids, and ten grand children agree with that assessment. I'm guessing they don't.

Tiller's clinic was one of only three in the nation that performed late-term abortions. The procedure, far more controversial than even regular abortions, takes place after the 21st week of pregnancy.

This is not the first time Tiller has been the target of violence. Back in 1993, he was shot in both arms by an abortion protester. And in 1985, his clinic was bombed.

Clearly the Bible corrupts people's minds and induces its readers to perform acts of violence. In order to protect the public, all copies of this evil book should be rounded up and burned.

A Church of Shame

A new report by an Irish commission has revealed an absolutely astonishing level of abuse in that nation's Catholic reform schools. The 2600 page report, which took nine years to compile, says that rapes, molestations, and beatings were "endemic" in the church run facilities.

"A climate of fear, created by pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment, permeated most of the institutions and all those run for boys. Children lived with the daily terror of not knowing where the next beating was coming from..."

Oh, and here's another surprise:

"Church officials always shielded their orders' pedophiles from arrest to protect their own reputations and, according to documents uncovered in the Vatican, knew that many pedophiles were serial attackers."

This report once again raises several important questions: What right does the Catholic church have to lecture the rest of us about morality? How can bishops who are themselves mired in sin up to their necks sit back and proclaim that politicians who support abortion rights should be denied communion? Are these the same people who were so self-righteously protesting Obama's appearance at Notre Dame over the weekend? Does the Vatican have any sense of shame? Is there a patron saint of hypocrisy, and does the Pope pray to him or her on a daily basis?

Most importantly, why are there still hundreds of millions of people out there who continue to believe in the teachings of a morally bankrupt Catholic church?

Walking the Plank.... Figuratively

Good news from the Indian Ocean today when an American held hostage by pirates was successfully freed. Apparently snipers aboard a navy destroyer on the scene shot and killed three of the pirates holding the victim. Considering that the pirates were on a small lifeboat bobbing up and down, those could not have easy shots.

Also, more details are beginning to emerge about what happened when the American freighter was first seized. Apparently there was a struggle between the crew and the pirates. It ended only when the ship's captain offered himself up as a hostage in exchange for the safety of his crew.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the pirate group orchestrating these attacks on ships in the area said that there was a lesson to be learned here: "Our friends should have done more to kill the captain before they were killed. This will be a good lesson for us.... From now on, if we capture foreign ships and their respective countries try to attack us, we will kill them (the hostages)."

Hmmm.... He better not hope there isn't a quiz on exactly what was learned today. If anything, what the world has finally discovered is that it's time to stop dicking around with these people. Untold millions of dollars in ransom have been paid over the last several years, and the money has only served to further encourage these hoodlums. The obvious solution is for the world's naval forces to step up patrols in the area. Granted, there's thousands of square miles of ocean to cover, but with a aircraft carriers providing cover, it should be easier to cover.

Hell, why don't the shipping companies hire armed escorts to accompany their ships or convoys? Remember Blackwater from Iraq? Those guys would love to have an excuse to shoot more bad guys.

Additionally, why not set up a 12 mile limit on ship traffic off the coast of Somalia? Anything that ventures beyond that gets stopped and searched, or else it gets blown out of the water. We may not be able to stop every single ship, but so what? Even if we're only intercepting, say, 50 percent of the bad guys, it introduces enough uncertainty for them that piracy loses its appeal.

Modern Technology Saves the Day

So some woman in Florida is at work the other day when she decides to log onto a webcam she recently installed in her home. And what does she see? Several burglars running around in her house. Needless to say, she immediately called police. The actual 911 call is also on the video but hard to hear.

Towards the end of the video you can actually see the cops walk into the house.... And they're not playing.

This version of the video has better audio, but it isn't embeddable.

ShamPOW!!

One of the most obnoxious commercials on American TV at the moment is the one for that ShamWow towel. The pitchman's name is Vince Shlomi, and he has one of those headset microphone things on his head as he yells at you to buy the ShamWow.

Well, it seems Vince got himself into some hot water, and all the ShamWows in the world ain't gonna clean this particular mess up. He allegedly beat up a hooker in Miami. According to the police report, Vince paid the woman a thousand bucks. Then while they were kissing, she bit into his tongue and wouldn't let go.

Personally, I think he should be thankful they never got past first base before she she started biting.

Stupid Criminal Tricks

Are you pissed off at the police? Do you feel you've been unjustly targeted with speeding tickets? Was that DUI you got totally uncalled for? Trying to figure out how to best exact your defense against those pesky cops who have it in for you?

Here's a novel solution: Lay down an oil slick in front of the police station.

If the Shoe Flies....

When Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi threw his shoes at President Bush last fall, he instantly became a hero to many of his fellow countrymen. This wasn't surprising, since many Iraqis consider the Americans to be occupiers, not liberators.

Today al-Zeide was sentenced to three years in prison for his actions. Many Iraqis are upset by what they consider to be a surprisingly harsh verdict.

Meanwhile, the man who invaded their country under false pretenses and then lied about the reasons for remaining there, whose reckless actions directly or indirectly caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, and who managed to destabilize a strategically vital region of the world, remains scot-free and enjoying a comfortable retirement in Texas.

When Star Trek Fans Go Bad

Police in Colorado Springs are looking for a man who tried to rob a couple of convenience stores the other night. Nothing noteworthy about that, except that the guy was trying to use a "bat'leth."

If you have to ask what that is, you've obviously moved out of your parents' basement. A bat'leth is a Klingon sword. Before you laugh, consider that a full sized one is about three feet long and shaped like a crescent with points on either end. There are two more points along the razor sharp inside edge and a handle on the outside.

And yes, it is rather pathetic that I know exactly what a bat'leth is.

Just a Scapegoat.... Literally

Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of trying to steal a car.

Now at first glance the story may seem ridiculous, but it's deadly serious. It seems that two men tried to steal a car at gunpoint but local residents prevented them from following through with their dastardly deed. They then gave chase to the evildoers.

One of the men managed to escape entirely. The other one, however, cleverly changed himself into a goat. The local residents, who are certainly no fools, caught him and escorted the metamorphist to a local police station.

What is this world coming to when our livestock begin turning to a life of crime?

Let That Be a Lesson

Two adulterers have been stoned to death in Iran.

Well, that's a twist. Usually the adultery occurs AFTER people get stoned.

Justice

That Saudi supertanker that was captured by Somali pirates almost two months ago has finally been freed. The Sirius Star, its load of 2.5 million barrels of oil, and the crew were released after the ship's owners paid a ransom of $3 million.

Now you might think the pirates involved are feeling pretty good about their booty. Unfortunately, their small speedboat capsized as they were hightailing it back to shore. Five of the eight pirates on board drowned; it's unclear what happened to the money.

Needless to say, I laughed so hard I about peed my pants.

Clingons

Illinois governor Rod R. Blagojevich, accused of trying to sell Obama's now vacant Senate seat, continues to resist pressure to resign. Both the Illinois Attorney General and the state legislature are taking to steps to forcibly remove him from office. Meanwhile, Blagojevich continues to insist he did nothing wrong.

Why do politicians do this? Even after their hands are caught in the cookie jar (or, in the case of Republican Senators, their hands are caught in the pants of the guy in the adjacent bathroom stall), they will deny reality and continue to desperately cling to power even after there is absolutely no doubt of their guilt.

It's kind of the political equivalent of leading police on a low speed chase in a white Ford Bronco.

Too Bad He Didn't List It on eBay

In the waning days of the presidential campaign, desperate Republicans tried to portray Obama and the Demnocrats as "socialists." One has to wonder if the clowns making these allegations had the vaguest notion of just what socialism is, especially since it was their own Republican President who had just orchestrated a massive $700 billion bailout of several financial institutions.

In light of the socialism charges, it is all the more ironic that the Democratic governor of of Illinois has just been ensnared in a case of capitalism run amok.

First, a civics lesson: When one of the two U.S. Senate seats of a state become vacant before the conclusion of its six year term, it falls to the state's governor to appoint an interim Senator until a special election can be held. Such is the case with Obama's Senate seat in Illinois. Having won the presidential election, Obama resigned from his senate seat late last month. It thus fell to Illinois Governor Rod R. Blagojevich to appoint someone to fill the vacancy. While the appointment would have been temporary, any occupant of the seat would have a built-in advantage going into the special election.

So how did Blagojevich decide to fill the seat? Well, rather than do something predictable and boring, like looking through a list of qualified individuals and selecting someone on the basis of merit, he decided to solicit bids. Some members of the law enforcement community failed to fully appreciate this bold entrepreneurial process and instead decided to arrest Blagojevich on charges of conspiracy and bribery.

Well, I guess one man's capitalism is another man's felony corruption.

When Facts Get in the Way of a Great Story

Last week a 20 year old white McCain campaign worker claimed she was robbed by a big black man at an ATM in Pittsburgh. According to Ashley Todd, the guy took $60, then noticed a "McCain" bumper sticker on her car. He then knocked her down and carve a letter "B" into her cheek, saying that he would "teach her a lesson" and turn her into an Obama supporter.

Conservative talk radio hosts immediately jumped all over the racial aspect of her tale, and McCain himself called Todd's family to offer his sympathy for what had happened.

This looked like a great story for the McCain campaign, at least until some irresponsible cops actually looked at the surveillance from the ATM machine.... And noticed that there was no big black dude to be seen. So the police called Todd back in for additional questioning. That was when she admitted to making up the whole story. Then, just in case this poor girl hadn't already been through enough, they had the nerve to charge her with filing a false police report.

Boy, narrow-minded bigoted conservative Republicans just can't catch a break these days.

Another Preacher Falls

Tony Alamo, a televangelist who has been preaching God's word for 40 years, is accused of child molestation. As part of the investigation, authorities have raided his compound (you can never be too careful with the kind of Christians who live in compounds) in Arkansas and are questioning several children found on the property.

Reached by phone in California, Alamo denied the charges and claimed that he was being "persecuted" just like Jesus. Alamo added that he is not a pornographer and that "I love children."

Um.... Just a suggestion, Tony, but if you're accused of molesting kids, it's probably NOT a good idea to tell the cops that you "love children."