Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

A top bishop of the Church of England says that gays should repent.

No word on whether Bishop Michael Nazir-Ali also feels that Henry VIII, who founded the Church of England, should repent for chopping off Ann Boleyn's head just so he could marry his third wife.

Going with the Flow

Keeping track of the key players in the Republican party's noble efforts to preserve the sanctity of marriage and preserve family values can certainly be challenging. Fortunately, someone has prepared a helpful flow chart to help us along.

Holier Than Thou

Elie Mystal has a great column on the True/Slant website that raises some legitimate questions about the sanctity of marriage, the Bible, and sanctimonious politicians. here it is in its entirety:

Mark Sanford held a magnificent press conference today. You might have heard that he’s been crying in Argentina with his mistress about having to go home to his wife who kicked him to the curb weeks ago.

Some people are saying that Sanford did a great job today because he was honest. Others are talking about how it’s a great tragedy — Rush Limbaugh even said that Sanford “could have been our J.F.K.” Democrats are talking about not making political hay out of the situation, while furiously trying to find any kind of misappropriation of taxpayer dollars to turn his adultery into some kind of a crime. The only thing I’ve heard out of Obama today is that he is going to see the Pope (nice timing, sensei).

Well, I say screw it, let’s make some hay. An instance of immense hypocrisy only comes along once every couple of days in American political life, why waste this moment?

Can we not use the struggles of seemingly every man who wants the Republican nomination in 2012 as a powerful lesson about the sanctity of marriage? Because I am really, really sick of people thumping the Bible when gays want to get married, and then thumping a little bit on the side.

I’ll admit that I’m a Christmas and Easter Catholic, so my new testament knowledge is not what it should be. But I’m almost positive Jesus really doesn’t like hypocrites. I think he said that they were “bad.”

But the larger point is that maybe the Bible doesn’t have all the magic spells one needs in order to have a successful marriage? If the Bible doesn’t always work for those that believe in its teachings, isn’t it conceivable that the Bible might not be the absolute authority on who is “allowed” to get married? What horror can a gay person visit upon the institution of marriage that God fearing heterosexuals haven’t already explored?

Adultery is not a republican/democratic thing, it’s not a liberal/conservative thing, and it’s certainly not a christian/atheist thing. Clearly, there are lots of people who are capable of taking the sacrament of marriage and flushing it down the toilet. If God wanted everybody to respect marriage, He would have provided us with stronger pants by now.

So why can’t gays and lesbians get in on the act? Surely some of them will respect marriage better than your average American politician.

And why couldn’t Mark Sanford lead the charge for gay marriage in South Carolina. I heard him apologize, I heard him say that he “needed to get his heart right.” But you know what I didn’t hear? I didn’t hear him say “I’ve been living as a hypocrite for months. Through this experience, I’ve learned that I am the last person to be lecturing people about how they prosecute their sex lives. I apologize to all the gays and lesbians that I have indirectly demonized just because they loved someone I thought they shouldn’t. Henceforth, I’ll never try to legislate morality again.”

That would have been praise worthy.

Maybe a 'Failure to Launch' Would Have Been a Good Thing

John Ensign, a conservative Republican senator from Nevada and possible contender for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination, has admitted to having an extramarital affair with a member of his staff. Even worse, the woman he had the affair with was also married. Not that anyone's counting, but in a sense the senator's libido helped violate TWO sets of marriage vows. And in case that's not bad enough, the woman's husband was a golfing buddy of the senator.

Do I understand the Republicans' position correctly? Same sex unions would destroy the so-called "sanctity of marriage" but boinking the wife of one of your best friends honors it?

Makes perfect sense.

Careful What You Wish for

The Pros and Cons of Same Sex Marriages

As the debate over same sex marriages heats up, here's a musical tribute to the 'special relationship' shared by George Bush and former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. I'm not ashamed to admit that it left me teary eyed.

Meanwhile, Hailstones and Halibut Bones posted the following top ten arguments AGAINST gay marriage.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Careful What You Wish For

Proof that God Works in Mysterious Ways

Several New England state legislatures are expected to join Massachusetts in legalizing same sex marriages and civil unions in the coming months. This is no coincidence, since a high percentage of New Englanders classify themselves as "nones"--in other words, not affiliated with any religion.

These Godless atheists will soon regret turning their backs on the word of the lord. He shall unleash His mighty wrath and punish the heathens of the Northeast by sending tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes to pummel the God-faring, Bible-thumping people of the southern United States located a thousand miles away.

Nope. Doesn't make sense to me either.

Why I Favor a LiteralInterpretation of the Bible

His Own Best Friend

Guess It's a Good Thing He Didn't Get the Nomination

Former Senator/Democratic presidential contender John Edwards has admitted to having an extramarital affair with a campaign worker in 2006. However, he does deny fathering the woman's daughter.

This unexpected turn of events points out a major difference between the philosophies of America's two major political parties. No, it's not that Republicans stray from their marital vows less often; it's just that when a Democrat does it, it's usually with a member of the opposite sex.

For more details, scroll down to the post for Saturday, May 10.

Maybe He Should Just Keep His Family Values In His Pants

I know I seem to single out Republicans for their sex scandals. Sorry, but it can't helped. All too often Republican politicians take a holier-than-thou attitude and don't hesitate to tell the rest of us on how to live our lives. And more often than not, that means lecturing us sinners on the importance of family values.

So when one of those Bible thumping weasels gets embroiled in a sex scandal, I can't help but sit back and chortle with glee. Out of fairness to the Republicans, not all of their naughty actions involve the same sex. On occasion some of them have been known to get involved in heterosexual scandals. And when they do, it's a real humdinger.

Case in point: Vito Fossella, a GOP congressman from New York City, was arrested last week for drunk driving. While that's certainly embarrassing, it's certainly not as bad as, say, getting caught assuming a wide stance in an airport mens room.

What makes it interesting, however, is that Fossella told arresting officers he was on his way to pick up his sick daughter. This apparently made the New York Daily News just a wee bit suspicious, since his family lives in New York.

So the newspaper did a bit of poking around. Turns out that not only had the Congressman been carrying on a longtime affair with a female Air Force officer, but he had fathered a child by her.

I guess some Republicans just believe so strongly in family values that it's hard to confine those values to just one family!

One Way To Bond With Your Kid

A Wisconsin man, eager to demonstrate his loyalty to the Green Bay Packers, attached a team jersey to his seven year old son by wrapping him in tape. Some people are condemning Mathew Kowald's actions as being borderline crazy, but it should be noted that his son did refuse to wear the shirt.

Further proving that women just don't get football, the mother has taken out a restraining order against the father.

It's A Peterson. Run For Your Lives!!!

So what's the story with guys named "Peterson?" Are they all homicidal maniacs and perverts?

First we had Scott Peterson. You may remember him from a few years back when he killed his pregnant wife and dumped her body in San Francisco Bay. The case eventually became a media sensation on par with O.J.'s.

Then there's the case of Drew Peterson, a cop with the Bolingbrook Police Department in Illinois. His wife disappeared last Sunday.... Two days after she told her husband she wanted a divorce. Coincidentally, one of Drew's ex-wives drowned in her bathtub in 2004. Her death was ruled accidental at the time, but the case is being reopened.

And in Nebraska, we have Kelsey Peterson, a math teacher. She kidnapped 13 year old Fernando Rodriguez and fled to Mexico. Actually, in this particular case, Peterson may deserve a medal. Rodriguez was an illegal immigrant. A convincing argument can be made that while the teacher may be a sexual deviant, she was also performing a public service by returning the kid to Mexico.

Come to think of it, wasn't there an episode of Cheers where Norm Peterson kills and dismembers his wife Vera, then enlists Sam and Woody to help him dispose of her remains? Hilarity and hijinks ensue as Carla keeps stumbling across mysterious trashbags hidden around the bar.