Saturday, April 29, 2006

He Kinda Looks Like Elmer Fudd

The annual White House Easter egg roll is a tradition here in DC. Parents and kids begin lining up as early as the night before for the opportunity to obtain one of a limited number of tickets. What's NOT necessarily a tradition, however, is the occasional surprise guest.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Return To Sender

The controversy over illegal immigrants and what to do with them is about to heat up even more. A number of Latino-American activist groups are planning huge rallies for this coming Monday, and are even hoping to "close" down major cities. This is a very dangerous idea and likely to backfire on the protesters. Inconveniencing Americans and forcing them to sit in massive traffic jams is NOT likely to win these immigrant groups a whole lot of friends.

Besides, if they were to accidentally turn on their leaf blowers simultaneously and point them all in the same direction, it could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.

We've Made It This Far....

Today is an important day in the history of the United States: Only 999 days until bush leaves office!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Monday, April 24, 2006

Waiting For Pat Robertson Weigh In On This One

In what may be the strongest challenge yet to the theory of evolution, tropical cyclone Monica--with winds blowing at over 200 mph--is bearing down on the Australian city of Darwin. The strong category five storm is expected to inflict severe damage on the city, which was leveled by a category four cyclone in 1974.

What is about the name "Monica" and blowjobs anyway?

Friday, April 21, 2006

Hypocrisy Alert! Hypocrisy Alert! Hypocrisy Alert!

The CIA has fired an officer for leaking information to the news media. The incident in question goes back to a story last November that the agency was running secret prisons in several eastern European countries.

First of all, the CIA denied the allegations when the articles first appeared. So if they're now firing someone for leaking the story, aren't they in fact admitting that it's true?

Secondly, it's almost comical that this would happen so soon after the revelations that Bush himself leaked classified material in an effort to discredit political enemies. Oh, but wait: This situation is COMPLETELY different. In this case the leak was meant to embarass the administration, and THAT makes it wrong.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

When The Easter Bunny Goes Off Duty

Have you ever wondered what the Easter Bunny does the other 364 days of the year? Perhaps this video will help give you an idea.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

It Came From The Bowels Of Hell Itself

Well, I think I'm finally over what was probably the World's Worst Ever Cold. This persistent little bugger first hit me the weekend of the 8th, and then it proceeded to make itself right at home for the next ten days or so.

Yeah, yeah, I know. All colds are annoying. But this thing went well beyond the usual call of duty. It's worst feature was that just when you would begin to think the worst was over, it would come back for another round. You'd be reasonably fine in the morning; then around 3 or 4 in the afternoon the mucus would once again begin to fill every available cavity in your skull and chest. And once every possible space was occupied, the stuff would begin to ooze out of the body. Oh, sure, the nose is enough for most colds, but not this bad boy. You ever had snot coming out your eyes? Believe me, it's not particularly pleasant.... Especially when you're trying to stay in a lane at 70 mph.

If phlegm could be harnessed as an energy source, my used Kleenexes could have supplied the electrical needs of a medium sized city for six months. Hell, Dick Cheney and his Haliburton buddies would have been kicking down my door trying to sign me up.

Nights, of course, offered no respite. You'd fall asleep on your left side for half an hour or 45 minutes, and then wake up with your left nostril completely plugged up. So then you'd blow everything out the best you could, and fall asleep on your right side.... But only for 45 minutes, of course, because now it's time to repeat the blow cycle.

Some of you are probably saying, "Well, why didn't you just take some Nyquil, Lugosi? If nothing else, it would have helped you sleep better."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't make me laugh.

Believe me, I tried Nyquil. Didn't work. In fact, the virus reached right out of my nose, grabbed the bottle, and slapped it around. Then it triple dog dared the Nyquil to fight back. And the Nyquil's response? It fled. The entire eight ounce bottle just ran away, cowered in the corner, urinated all over itself, and whimpered like a wounded puppy. It was quite disturbing to see a once proud cold medicine reduced to such pathetic insignificance.

Sleep proved to be an elusive escape, especially when one of the coughing jags would hit. After about half an hour or so, a lung would finally come up and land with a wet splat on the pillow. Then I'd pick it up, clean the lint off the best I could, and stuff back down into my chest. Of course, by then the neighbors would be beating on the walls yelling for me to take a damn lozenge or something.

Oh, and then there was the sore throat. And not just a regular, run of the mill sore throat, either. That would have been much too ordinary for The Cold From Hell. No, this puppy came equipped with a nuclear powered sore throat. Remember how they tell you to drink a lot of liquids when you're sick? HA!! If you swallow, you end up immediately screaming out in agony. It got to the point where I was happier to just let the spit drool down my chin rather than endure the pain again.

Eventually it got to the point where my throat would take turns with itself. First, the left side would hurt. Then the next day it would be the right side. Finally on the third morning I'd think, hey, I'm fine! No more sore throat! Then in the afternoon it would announce that it had just been taking a nap.

Forget the damn human pyramids and the barking dogs pointing at naked male genitalia. If Rumsfeld had threatened the inmates at Abu Ghraib with this cold, they would all have ended up singing like canaries and saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Early Election Returns

Congratulations are in order for Michael Jackson, who was recently voted "the most foolish American". Of 1000 people surveyed, 69% voted for the human hermaphrodite, and it is the fourth year in a row that he has won the prestigious competition.

There was a tie for the number two position in the poll between Vice President Cheney and Paris Hilton. Of course, if Paris ends up shooting Nicole Ritchie during the next 12 months, her standing should improve substantially.

George W. Bush came in with a disappointing third place finish.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Friday, April 14, 2006

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Mistakes Can Be Embarassing... Or They Can Be Deadly

A school in Utah thought it had booked comedian/Daily Show host Jon Stewart to host a gala fundraising event. Pretty cool grab for a small school out in the middle of nowhere, eh? It's also something of an interesting choice, considering that Stewart is one of the most liberal people on TV nowadays and regularly skewers President Bush. Utah, on the other hand, is, well, Utah. They don't make 'em anymore conservative than that. Bush twice carried Utah with margins larger than any other state's, and the President continues to enjoy solid support among the state's population.

The problem arose when someone finally realized that the school had booked former pro wrestler turned motivational speaker Jon A. Stewart from Chicago.


One has to wonder how anyone could have been stupid enough to make a mistake like that. Well, there's a simple one word answer for that question:


Sorry if that sounds unduly harsh, but it continues to baffle me that there are still people in this country who continue to respect and believe in President Bush. What will it take for those folks to realize the error of their ways and hang their heads in shame?

Perhaps these latest revelations about the justification for the war will do it.

Back on May 29, 2003, Bush made the bold announcement that "We have found the weapons of mass destruction." The reference was to the trailers that Colin Powell had cited in his U.N. address three months earlier. They had finally been located and confirmed to be laboratories for the manufacture of deadly biological weapons. Other administration officials kept pointing to the trailers as justification for the war for months afterwards (Graphics).

One slight problem: A U.S. Army team had already examined the trailers and sent a report to Washington saying that they had NOT been used or even designed for the manufacture of biological weapons. So what were they made for? Well, one of the experts called the trailers "the biggest sand toilets in the world."

Appropriate, since that's basically what this administration fed the American people in its build up for the war.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Here, Have Some Secret Documents. It's Okay. I'm The President.

President Bush has long complained about leaks in the White House. He was especially critical of the leak that revealed Valerie Plame to be a CIA agent, supposedly in retribution for an article her husband, Joe Wilson, wrote for the NY Times. That article questioned the administration's claims about Iraq's attempts to build a nuclear bomb. Of that case, Bush said back in 2003, "I've constantly expressed my displeasure with leaks, particularly leaks of classified information. . . . If there's a leak out of the administration, I want to know who it is. And if a person has violated law, the person will be taken care of."

So there you have it: Leaks from the White House are bad. The President even said so himself.... Except, of course, when the President himself says its okay.

It turns out that Bush himself authorized the release of classified information in an attempt to discredit the claims in that NY Times article.

And we all now know who eventually turned out to be right about Iraq's nuke program, don't we?

Anyway, it should be noted that so far Bush himself has not been accused of ordering Plame's name to be leaked. That was a criminal act that remains under investigation. As far as the accusation that Bush ordered the release of the classified documents, well, the White House is NOT denying it. In fact, their response is that the President has the authority to release such documents at any time.

That may well be, but presumably that authority only applies to material that is no longer deemed sensitive. But ordering such material leaked for the sole purpose of silencing a vocal critic who is questioning your honesty? I'm sorry, but that's nothing more than another example of the petty politics the Bush administration has become so known for.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Thursday, April 06, 2006

What's That In The Water?

There has already been a lot of speculation as to who will run for President in 2008. That election will be somewhat unusual in that even though the existing President will not be running for election, his Vice President will NOT be seeking the job either (despite his charming personality--which would have made him a shoe in for the job--Cheney ruled himself out of the race years ago). That leaves the field wide open for both parties.

One of the more interesting names being thrown about for the Republicans is Condoleezza Rice. If she were to run and win, it would make both the first African-American AND the first woman President in the history of the United States. Her supporters are quite fervent, and they point to Rice's foreign policy experience as being among her strongpoints.

Huh? Are they on drugs? That's like the captain of the Titanic applying for a job commanding a tanker for Exxon, and citing his experience with icebergs as his chief qualification.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Here's A Wacky Thought

An ambitious plan to rebuild clinics across Iraq, thereby making quality health care available to all Iraqis, is running out of money and may have to be cut back. The U.S. military is seeking additional funds to complete the project.

Not to be callous or anything, but to hell with the Iraqis. How about making quality health care available to all Americans?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Monday, April 03, 2006

Well, At Least The Ports Are Secure

Remember the big controversy a few weeks ago over the proposed ports deal with the United Arab Emirates? Many people were opposed to it out of concern that an Arab company could be easily infiltrated by Al Qaeda, and terrorists with inside information about security could then smuggle nasty things that go BOOM into the United States. The deal was eventually scuttled, and worried Americans breathed a sighed of relief.

Now comes word that the UAE is planning to build a freakin' spaceport so they can start launching privately funded rockets into space.

Great. So all we have to worry about now is terrorists dropping nasty things that go BOOM on us.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Bush Admits To Failing The American People

In a surprising move President Bush has admitted that he misled the American people on the need to invade Iraq, that the invasion was launched with insufficient troops to secure the borders and maintain order, that administration officials had absolutely no clue as to what to do once Saddam was deposed, and that all these factors combined to create an atmosphere of total chaos in which tens of thousands of people have unnecessarily died.

Bush also concedes that immediately after the September 11th attacks there was a tremendous amount of goodwill and sympathy throughout the world, and that he completely squandered all that international support by invading a country that had nothing to do with the attacks. Bush went on to say that he now realizes that he became cocky after the tremendously successful attack on Afghanistan to depose the Taliban, and that this attitude of invincibility contributed to what has become a fiasco in Iraq. He also now says that the diversion of resources and attention to Iraq has allowed the Taliban to make a resurgence in Afghanistan.

The President further acknowledges that his intervention in the Terry Schiavo case a year ago was nothing more than political grandstanding, and that the entire Republican party should be thoroughly ashamed for its actions in the matter. He goes on to say that the Federal government vastly overstepped its bounds in what was an unfortunate family dispute that should have been resolved locally. Bush says that as President, he should have had the cojones to stand up to the Christian right, which has now taken over the Republican party. As a result of that takeover, adds Bush, the GOP has lost sight of the fact that it once stood for having a smaller, less obtrusive Federal government.

Bush also admits that by overseeing the explosive growth of the federal government during the last four years--as well as the ever-exploding size of the deficit--he has betrayed the ideas espoused by Ronald Reagan.

The President goes on to accept the argument that the warrantless domestic spying program he started is wrong, and suggesting that it could have prevented the 9/11 attacks is nothing more than another lie. In fact, says Bush, those attacks could have been prevented if officials had been more focused on the warning signs popping up in the months before they killed 3000 people. That goes for both officials in his own administration who ignored intelligence reports, as well as leaders at the FBI who ignored disturbing reports from field offices about middle eastern men training as pilots.

Additionally, Bush admits that he dropped the ball on New Orleans. He had a duty to be more involved in the unfolding disaster even before Katrina hit, and that afterwards he should have immediately stepped in when officials became overwhelmed, both by the magnitude of the unfolding tragedy, and the absurd bureaucratic hurdles that kept popping up. After all, added the President, saving human lives shouldn't be dependent on getting signatures in triplicate on a requisition form.

In short, Bush now admits that he is a nincompoop.

APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!!