Born Again

There are supposedly intelligent people out living among us who continue to insist that Obama wasn't born in the United States. Not surprisingly, Rush Limbaugh is one of them. This is understandable, since Rush goes through his days in a prescription drug filled haze and is therefore unable to recognize reality when it walks up and bites him in his big fat stinking ass.

In response, Hawaii has once again released his birth certificate. Two Hawaii newspapers have also confirmed that they ran his birth announcement back in 1961.

And if you think all this evidence will shut the lunatics on the far right up once and for all, you're dreaming.

Rush Limbaugh Knows What He's Talking About

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Why Does Rush Limbaugh Hate American Democracy?

Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, his mind apparently still clouded by the Oxycontin he had to scarf down to get through the inauguration, has proudly declared he hopes Obama fails. This statement can only indicate that Limbaugh despises the very concept of democracy and free elections.

Obama was elected with 52.9% of the popular vote and an overwhelming margin in the electoral college. More importantly, he is the first presidential candidate to capture a majority of the popular vote since George H. W. Bush in 1988.

To clarify: Bill Clinton was able to win the presidency in 1992 with 43% of the vote in because of Ross Perot (who won 19%, leaving the elder Bush with 38%). Perot ran again in 1996, and while he had fewer votes than four years earlier, he still kept Clinton to 49.24%. Then in 2000, Limbaugh's hero George W. Bush won the presidency despite have captured fewer votes than Al Gore. And in 2004, Bush managed to squeak by with 50.74% and a narrow margin in the electoral college.

But even more importantly, Obama won more popular votes (69,456,897) than any other presidential candidate in American history. Here are some more fun facts: The last presidential landslide was Reagan in 1984, and he won 54,455,472 votes (58.8%). Nixon in '72 had just over 47 million votes. Granted, Franklin Roosevelt managed to win over 103 million votes, but it took him four elections to do it.

Limbaugh should stick those little factoids in his crack pipe and smoke them.

But that prescription drug swilling lard butt isn't done. Thanks to his drug induced dementia, Limbaugh has begun referring to our current economic crisis as "Obama's recession." Huh? What about George W. Bush, who was President for the last eight years? What about the House of Representatives, which the Republicans controlled for 12 years? Or the Senate, which the Republicans controlled for much of the same time? And let's not forget the financial collapses of Enron and Worldcomm, both of which took place under Bush's presidency. Shouldn't those two fiascoes served as a wake-up call to questionable financial practices by American corporations?

Limbaugh needs to face the ugly truth: was the Republican philosophy of lax business regulation that got us into this freakin' mess.

Oh, and then there's that fun little "Barack the Magic Negro" song that Limbaugh was playing on his radio show last fall. If that's not pure, unadulterated racism, I don't know what is. Yet 20 million Americans continue to listen to this drug-addled right-wing lunatic!?!?!?

With the election of Barack Obama, America has demonstrated that it has moved into the 21st century. Until people like Rush Limbaugh and his fellow Republicans figure that out, they will remain stuck back in the 19th century wondering where all the slaves have gone.

Slick Dick Strikes Again

A couple of days ago, in a speech to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Vice President Cheney said that China, in cooperation with Cuba, is drilling for oil 60 miles off the coast of Florida. He made this assertion in a speech calling for more offshore drilling by American oil companies. Those firms are currently restricted to certain areas of the Gulf of Mexico.

Problem is, the statement is not true. There are no Chinese or Cubans drilling for oil so close to the U.S. coast. That's okay, though, since this is hardly the first occasion on which our fearless Vice Leader has been caught fibbing. Even more importantly, at least this time no Americans died because of a Cheney lie.

Cheney's office has sought to downplay the episode by explaining that the Vice President read about the China-Cuba joint venture in a George Will column.

Huh? George Will? First of all, Will is an idiot. Maybe not quite as large an idiot as, say, Rush Limbaugh, but that's not for the lack of trying. And since when does the U.S. government rely on commentators and opinion writers for its intelligence gathering? Are actual facts outmoded? Have we learned nothing from the Iraq fiasco?

No wonder this administration is so royally screwed up.

Time To Get Serious About Stopping Immigration

No word on whether Fox News' Bill O'Reilly suffered a stroke upon hearing this, but here's an alarming statistic: The number of immigrants in the United States has hit a record 37.5 million (out of a population of 300 million). Additionally, nearly one in every five households speaks a language OTHER than English at home!!! Of the 50 known states, West Virginia had the lowest percentage of immigrants, at only 1.2%. This is not all that surprising, since most foreign cultures frown upon marrying your own relatives.

Immigration is clearly out of control. After all, America was built by Americans, not by people coming to America on rickety wooden sailing ships, seeking freedom and a chance to build a new life for their families.

So why do all these immigrants keep coming here? Well, apparently it's got something to do with these unpatriotic, America-hating words:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Now before you jump all over me for encouraging even more damn foreigners to come here in pursuit of better lives for themselves and their families, let me point out that I am NOT the one who wrote that horribly subversive poem.

Rather, those words are the inscription on the base of the Statue of Liberty. And if that's not bad enough, this stupid statue was a gift from France. Yes, France!!! A known foreign country!!! How those French snuck that thing into New York Harbor remains a mystery, but it is clearly only encouraging non-native Americans from coming here, stealing our jobs as cab drivers, convenience store clerks, and leaf blower operators.

Republicans talk a mean talk when it comes to immigration reform, but it's really just empty drivel. If they are truly serious about making the American way of life safe from alien cultures, they need to follow through with some tough actions, and I don't mean that asinine 1500 mile wall along our southern border. That idea will fail the moment some damn Mexican looking to make enough money to feed his starving family figures out how to operate a step ladder.

The time for further debate is past. It's time to act. That's why I will throw my support to the first Republican presidential candidate who advocates tearing down the Statue of Liberty (someone apparently has already thought of that, but he's not running for President).

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Maybe He Was Visiting Graceland

Would-be rescuers in Memphis, Tennessee have suspended their search for an 800 pound manatee that had swum 700 miles up the Mississippi River. The creatures have been known to occasionally wander into the mouth of the river in Louisiana, but for one to show up this far north is believed to be unprecedented.

The concern was that manatees require a minimum water temperature of 66 degrees (18.8 Celsius), and water temps in Memphis are currently at about 60. It is hoped that the river's current will help guide the large blubbery mammal back down to the Gulf of Mexico.

It's not clear what Rush Limbaugh was doing in the water in the first place.

A New Low, Even For Rush Limbaugh

As you are no doubt aware, actor Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's several years ago. After dropping out of the public eye, he has since re-emerged in a series of campaign commercials on behalf of candidates who favor stem cell research. Missouri is one state that has the ads, and they have also aired in Maryland. To be quite frank about it, Fox does not look good in the ads as the Parkinson's has obviously progressed.

Now just in case anyone has become overly concerned about the Back to the Future star's declining health, conservative commentator and world reknown prescription drug abuser Rush Limbaugh has weighed in with his own medical opinion: Fox is faking his symptoms.

Says Mr. Limbaugh:

"He is exaggerating the effects of the disease," Limbaugh told listeners. "He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act....This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."

If anyone would know about taking medication, it's Limbaugh. He's had plenty of experience. Thank God he was able to expose Michael J. Fox as a faker. In fact, he's probably been faking Parkinson's for the last ten years, just biding his time and patiently waiting for the right moment to produce those fake ads. And even if it turns out he's NOT faking, well, it's always fun to mock the terminally ill.

It's also good to know that if any of us ever need an expert medical opinion, we can call Rush. The man is so good at making diagnoses, he doesn't even need to actually see the patient!! Guess he studied under Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who so famously analyzed a videotape of Terry Schiavo and concluded she wasn't in a vegetative state.

I'm not sure, but I think I may have a hernia. Maybe I should take a picture of my scrotum and send it in.

Air America Crash Lands

Air America, the liberal oriented talk radio network, has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Conservative commentators are sure to have a field day with the news, no doubt pointing out that the network was never able to garner enough listeners to support itself.

And you know what? They'll be right. And you know why? Because liberals--as well as anyone else concerned about the direction this nation has been headed for the last several years--don't need people like Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and G. Gordon Liddy telling us what to think.

There are people out there who are able to look at the world around them, analyze the facts for themselves, and reach their own conclusions without having someone on the radio herd them around like ignorant cattle.

That's the difference between Bush supporters and those of us who are scared shitless.

Pass The Soap

Rush Limbaugh, who has been trying to work out a deal with prosecutors in his illegal prescription drug case, is in more hot water. Customs agents at the Palm Beach airport found a bottle of Viagra in his luggage as he was returning from a vacation. The problem is--well, aside from the obvious problem in his pants--that the prescription label on the bottle was not in his name.

Well, if nothing else, the Viagra will make him the most popular inmate on his cellblock.

Rush Limbaugh: Preserving the Sanctity of Marriage

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh and his wife, Marta, are getting a divorce after ten happy years together.

Under terms of the divorce settlement, Marta will get most of their house. Rush will keep the right wing.

Well, Redskins coach Steve Spurrier is out. The former Florida State coach had arrived in DC two years amid high expectations, and instead accumulated a 12-20 record. His much ballyhooed "fun & gun" offense, which had worked wonders at the college level, simply misfired amid the pros. This past Sunday's 35-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles was a sad but appropriate way to wrap up his stay with the Redskins.

Still, we here in DC have to wonder how much of the teams' problems lie with the coaching, and how much with the ownership. Daniel Snyder, who has controlled the Skins since shortly after the death of the beloved Jack Kent Cooke, has, over his brief tenure, gained quite a reputation as being meddlesome.

Personally, I think he's a spoiled little brat with a Napoleon complex. But don't quote me....

And while on the subject of football, here's my Super Bowl prediction: The New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles, with the Eagles coming out on top. I've been betting against Philly all season, and it's cost me a fortune. So I may as well bet on them for once.

I should point out, however, that it's not my fault I kept betting against the Eagles. I was simply remembering what Rush Limbaugh said back in September: That Eagles QB Donovan McNabb was overrated by the media because he's black. I've always had great faith in whatever Rush says, and have always been a fervent follower of his "teachings." Instead, the Eagles have won their division, and McNabb is considered to be a serious contender for the League's 2003 MVP.

Well, that's what I get for listening to a drug addict.

Speaking of Mouths That Roar

Rush Limbaugh continues to generate more controversy....

Yesterday was his first day on his new job with Entertainment Tonight. While taping a story on the recent tiger attack on Roy Thorn of Siegfried & Roy, Limbaugh commented that he he thought their act was overrated because the media was eager to see a gay couple succeed in a tiger related magic act.

Rush Gets the Boot

You know what would would be funny as hell? If Rush Limbaugh ends up sharing a jail cell with Courtney Love.

Maybe it Was the Percocet Talking

Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who managed to last four weeks as a football commentator for ESPN before saying something so incredibly stupid that he would be forced to resign. If you missed the story, the radio talk show host turned football analyst on Sunday said that Philadelphia Eagles Donovan McNabb is overrated because the media wanted to see a black quarterback succeed.

Meanwhile, Al Franken, author of Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot, is starting to look like an absolute genius.

Limbaugh's problems are not over, however, as now comes word that Florida authorities are investigating charges that the big fat idiot abused prescription painkillers.