A Call to End Needless Animal Testing

Researchers for the united States military have been using live pigs to test armor. They routinely strap the animals into body armor and humvees, then subject them to explosions. The researchers then study the resulting injuries and brain damage to determine how to best protect soldiers.

Folks, this is nothing short of absolutely disgusting. We are supposedly a civilized nation, yet here we are subjecting completely innocent animals to all sorts of trauma and death. This is completely unnecessary, and the American people should be ashamed that their government allows this sort of cruelty to be perpetrated on defenseless creatures.

These animal tests must stop immediately. President Obama needs to step up to the plate and personally apologize for allowing such barbaric behavior.

Then he should do the only honorable thing: Order all the AIG executives who received bonuses to be rounded up, strapped into body armor, and blown up. The resulting data would still help protect America's fighting men and women.

Hell, let's just skip the body armor. No sense wasting money.

WTF Are They Thinking?

Insurance giant AIG--which has received $170 billion in bailout money from American taxpayers--is about to pay out $165 million in bonuses to its executives.

Suddenly my previous suggestion about cutting off the balls of those responsible for getting us into this mess doesn't seem that outrageous, does it?

I understand the argument that we can't afford to let AIG fail and that its collapse would drag down not only our own banking system, but those of other nations as well. But paying out over a hundred million dollars in bonuses is just plain inexcusable. That's like giving the crew of the Titanic a bonus for at least getting partway across the Atlantic.

The Obama administration says that there is nothing it can legally do to block this particular payout. AIG is contractually obligated to issue these payments and would otherwise face lawsuits.

That may well be the case, but it goes to the very heart of what got us into this mess in the first place: The attitude among business leaders that its okay to get rich yourself while telling everyone else to go fuck themselves.

Regardless of what the letter of the law may say, this is wrong on so many different levels that it defies any possible rational justification.

The truly laughable part is that the chairman of AIG is trying to justify the payouts. His argument? It's the only way the company can retain talented staff. Is this guy on drugs, or what? What "talented staff?" These incompetent idiots have led the world to the brink of economic ruin. In what possible sense are they talented? Calling them talented is like calling Dustin Hoffman's character in Rain Man talented because he could count the number of matchsticks on the floor.

Actually, that comparison may be an insult to Raymond. He probably would have done a better job than the people running AIG now.

So fine. Issue the payouts. But let's post the name of every single recipient of these bonuses, as well as their home addresses and phone numbers, on a website for everyone to see. We can even call it OffWithTheirBalls.com. If they're being funded by the rest of us, then it's only fair that we should be able to see where our tax dollars are going.

I just purchased that web address. Anyone in a position to follow through with my suggestion should contact me. You can have the address for $15.

Speaking of Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire...

Aside from the immense waste of life, one of the most scandalous things about the Iraq war has been the profound waste of money. Of the tens of billions of dollars in aid provided by American taxpayers to rebuild the country, billions remain unaccounted for. For all we know, much of the money has simply ended up lining the pockets of corrupt Iraqi politicians.

So you would think that the Bush administration and Congress would have learned a thing or two about insuring that our money goes where it's intended to, and is otherwise properly tracked.

And if you seriously thought that, you would be a naive fool.

Of that $700 billion bailout package provided to financial institutions last month, billions are unaccounted for. Many of the recipient banks simply don't know where the funds went, or are outright refusing to say.

I have previously offered a novel solution for holding the people responsible for our current economic mess accountable: Cut off their nuts.

Perhaps it's time to expand that list of names.

Anybody See the Bottom Yet?

Even though Congress finally passed the $700 billion bailout plan last week, the world's slide into financial chaos is continuing unabated.

Remember last Monday's record 778 point drop of the stock market? Well, at one point two days ago it had dropped by another 800 points, though a late rally cut the lose to 369. Stocks in Paris fell by 9%. London's market, on the other hand, only fell 8%. Russia had to halt trading entirely after its markets fell 19%.

Then yesterday Japan's markets fell over 9%, bringing its losses for the last two weeks to 24%. Japanese investors haven't been terrified since the last time a giant prehistoric creature emerged from the ocean to wreak havoc on Tokyo.

And now Iceland is on the verge of declaring bankruptcy. It's one thing when a single company goes under. But when entire countries start going broke, we're all f*cked.

So why should the average Joe Schmoe like you and me care? Well, if you were planning to retire soon, you can probably forget it now. Analysts say that retirement plans have lost two trillion dollars (20% of their value) over the last few weeks.

Planning on buying a car? Good luck with that. The credit market has all but dried up. That means massive layoffs in the auto industry and related manufacturing are coming soon. And it's a safe bet those people are going to stop spending money, which will only further exacerbate the current situation.

Yesterday the former chairman of AIG--one of the principle firms involved in the financial meltdown--testified on Capitol Hill. And what did Robert Willumstad have to say for himself? "I was not aware of it, and if I had been, I would not have let it happen." Both he and his predecessor declined to take responsibility for the company's collapse.

WTF?!?!?! If they're that stupid, then why are they paid millions of dollars a year?

The people that got us into this must be held responsible for their actions. Even if there was no actual criminal wrongdoing, it is still their fault. They can not be allowed to simply walk away from the wreckage of our financial system.

That's why I'm repeating my call to start cutting off the balls of those responsible. Yes, balls. I hate to admit it, but most of the people who got us to where we are today are men--apparently women just aren't that stupid.

It's a safe bet that if Willumstad had emerged from the Capitol yesterday with a bag of ice where his nutsack used to be, all the bigwig executives on Wall Street would have taken immediate notice.

At the Precipice

A few days ago I mentioned that I was going to start work on a shantytown in my back yard. It was just supposed to be a side project that I worked on in my spare time. There was no real sense of urgency to the project, since I figured it wouldn't need to be finished for a few months.

All that changed yesterday with congress' rejection of the Wall Street bailout package. The world's stock markets were swift to react. Things got so bad on the Russian market earlier today that they had to suspend trading. Here at home, the Dow Jones index fell a record 777.68 points.

The rejection of the bailout package was unexpected. The White House and congressional leaders spent several days last week hammering out a deal they thought would pass. But when it was actually voted on in the House of Representatives, it went down in a 228-205 vote. Ironically, it was largely a rebellion in the Republican ranks--Bush's own party--that doomed the measure.

Leaders are still optimistic that with more compromises, a new measure will finally pass. But in the meantime, fear and uncertainty will continue to spread. Some analysts are warning that the current economic climate has already doomed the upcoming Christmas shopping season. And while that may seem trivial, keep in mind that many retailers rely on November and December sales to turn a profit. If that tanks, then many businesses will fail next year.

And that's part of why all of us should be concerned about what's happening. Sure, it would easy to say f*ck Wall Street, but we have to look at what that would mean for the rest of us: No available credit, businesses failing because they're unable to borrow, more mass layoffs, skyrocketing unemployment, even more foreclosures, and the complete collapse of our economy. If we're not careful Hugo Chavez will be taking over the United States.... And we'll be welcoming him.

As unpalatable as it may be, Wall Street's big firms must be rescued from their own stupidity. BUT--and this is important--the people responsible for the current mess MUST be held accountable. Even if they didn't actually break any laws with their business practices, the leaders of the firms who got the world into this mess should be sent packing with zero pay. They normally receive millions of dollars in pay and bonuses when they do well. But if their leadership led these firms to financial ruin, then they should be forced to personally bear the responsibility.

So what's the solution? Simple: Forced castration.

While I'm normally against torture, the current financial climate all but demands it. We round up the people most responsible for this fiasco and cut off their nuts.... With no anesthesia. Let them share in the pain they've inflicted on the American taxpayer.

Then we take what remains of their shriveled nutsacks and hang them from the lampposts along Wall Street as a warning for future business leaders.