Must Be a Comcast Call Center

If I Had A Hammer, I'd A-Hammer The Cable Company

While at the wedding, I had the pleasure of meeting one of my personal heroes. No, no, not Britney Spears. Rather, it was a woman named Mona Shaw. I even went as far as to ask for her autograph.... Several times. She finally relented just before I was served with the restraining order. She was there because she's a member of the local Unitarian congregation that hosted the ceremony, as is the couple who were getting married.

Last fall 75 year old Mona and her husband found themselves getting jerked around by cable giant Comcast. First the company's technicians were late for an installation; then when they finally did show up, they only did half the work, etc. Sadly, Comcast is well known for treating customers like they were steaming piles of doggy-do, so the Shaws probably shouldn't have been surprised.

Anyway, with their cable service now cut off entirely, the couple went to the local Comcast office in Manassas, Virginia and asked to speak to the manager. They were told to wait, which they did.... For several hours.... Until someone finally told them the manager had left for the weekend.

The following Monday Mona grabbed a hammer--and her husband--and headed back to the Comcast office. When they tried to brush her off again, she took the hammer and started smashing keyboards and computers. Several cops eventually showed up, as well as the rescue squad. During all the excitement, Shaw had begun hyperventilating and her blood pressure shot up.

In my defense, I'll just say that I wasn't the only starstruck idiot there. At least two other people also asked her for autographs.

Comcast Tests Its Limits

Comcast has been criticized in the past for arbitrarily imposing bandwidth caps on its internet customers. Problem was, they never explained what that limit was, nor did they provide any way of checking your usage.

That may finally be about to change. The company is considering imposing a 250 gigabyte limit per month. That's they equivalent of 50 hi-def movies, 250 standard movies, 6,000 songs, or 30,000 pictures of Britney without her underwear. If someone exceeds those limits, they will be charged an additional $15 for every ten gigs.

Whatever other complaints I may have had about Comcast in the past, this certainly seems more than fair. Time-Warner, for example, has previously said that five percent of their customers use 50% of their bandwidth. More importantly, bandwidth hogs tend to slow down the network for everyone else, so it certainly seems fair to make them pay extra.

It also starts to bring internet usage more in line with how we pay for electricity, gas, and water. After all, if the power company charged a flat rate for unlimited electricity use, I'd run my air conditioning non-stop and wear a coat indoors during July.

Cable's Dirty Little Secret

Have you bought one of those new fangled LCD HDTV's with the HDMI and RGB inputs yet? And though you may not have figured all the acronyms involved, are you at least impressed with the picture? Well, if you're on cable, you may not be as impressed as you could be.

As it turns out, cable TV and satellite companies have been compressing their high definition signals. And why would they be doing such a dastardly deed, you ask? It's the same three limitations that so often plagues the internet: Bandwidth, bandwidth, and bandwidth. There's just not enough of it to go around. And as long as the world's limited supply of bandwidth continues to controlled by a handful of unstable middle eastern countries, that's not going to change any time soon. And the environmentalists aren't helping either. Ever since that big bandwidth spill in Alaska a few years, they're more concerned with the damn polar bears than our TV reception.

For their part, the cable operators claim that the techniques they use to compress the signals do not in any way degrade the final image. Even so, it turns out some customers are taking notice.

Comcast: A Wretched Hive Of Scum And Villainy

Did you know that Comcast engages in censorship? It turns out that they intentionally block some file sharing programs. This is apparently not done because of any sort of copyright concerns, but is simply another method by which they conserve bandwidth.

What's particularly vile about their methods is that it's done on the sly. Comcast's own systems will fool the machines engaged in file sharing by posing as one of the computers and telling the other to end the program. In actuality, however, the command comes not from the other computer but from Comcast itself.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Comcast sucks. I freed myself from the tyranny of their lousy internet service by switching to DSL some months ago but remain stuck with their cable TV service. And while I don't consider myself religious, I do often find myself praying that FIOS will soon free me entirely from Comcast's evil grip.

The Wrong People Went To Jail

Good ol' Comcast is at it again. Not only does the company limit their cable customers' choices of high-definition channels (Comcast refuses to carry HDNet and HDNet Movies), but now they've begun cutting off internet customers who use too much bandwidth. And not commercial customers, either; families have had their service canceled for downloading too many songs, videos, TV shows, and games.

So how much is too much? Well, that's the other thing: Comcast won't say. Nor do they offer a way for you to monitor your internet usage. Even the warning letters that the company sends out don't offer specifics.

I really, really, REALLY miss Adelphia. Yes, that company went bankrupt and their founders ended up in jail. But the fact remains that they provided better internet service and more viewing choices to their subscribers than Comcast.

Comcast Strikes Again

I'm guessing this is the conversation that took place earlier this week at Comcast Cable's offices:

Comcast's Head Honcho: Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?

Sniveling underling: What's that, sir?

Comcast's Head Honcho: We haven't f*cked with that Lugosi guy.

Sniveling underling: Gosh, you're right sir. Not only will I get right on it, I'll make sure we devote the company's full resources to pissing him off!!!

Comcast's Head Honcho: Have I told you lately what a wonderful ass kisser you are?

That's the only possible explanation for this oversize envelope I got today from Comcast. Upon opening it, I discovered their new channel line up. And it's not simply a matter of adding a few channels; no, they moved just about ALL their channels around! And there really doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to what they did.

For example, they used to have all their HD channels grouped together in the 700 range. That apparently made too much sense for the braniacs at Comcast. While local broadcast channel 4's HD signal used to be at 704, now it's at 211; channel 7's was at 707, now that's at 210; HBO HD was 750, now it's 228.

Even less popular channels got shifted around. The History Channel moved from 54 to 41. So who got the new 54 slot? The Travel channel, which used to be at 51. But I guess they had to move because now Animal Planet is at 51. And where was Animal Planet before, you ask? Patience, my young Padwan. Animal Planet used to be at 60. But of course it couldn't stay there, because MTV was moving to 60 from 48, and MTV had to move because the Disney Channel was moving to 48 from 68!!!!

Jesus H. Freakin' Christ!!!!!! There is absolutely no possible logic to this except that Comcast was trying to piss everyone off.

Ah, but it gets even better: If you have a DVR from the cable company, you now have to reprogram every single program you were previously planning to record. And while you can use the "EDIT" setting to change the times of a scheduled show, you can't do that to change the channel. I had to sit down with a pad of paper and list every single program that I had each of my two DVR's set to record and copy the information down. Then I had to look up the new channels and schedule them from scratch.

However, I could only do that with the shows that are scheduled to air during the next seven days. Bones and House are NOT, so I have to keep an eye on the TV schedule for when they do show up again.

What the hell is the deal? Are all those White House staffers who recently resigned getting jobs at Comcast? Because all these damn changes make about as much damn sense as invading a country that never attacked us.

To be fair, there is one nice thing I can say about these changes: Comcast has finally added the HD broadcast of WDCA channel 20 here in DC. That's important, because channel 20 has been airing the remastered episodes of Star Trek. Now I can finally watch Kirk make out with those olive-skinned Orion slave girls in true high definition! Now I just have to remember to put the Vaseline next to the recliner.

Do I sound overly bitter? Well, yes. I've been that way ever since Comcast dropped HDNET and HDNET Movies. If they had at least returned those two channels to their lineup, then I could have stomached the rest of these bullsh*t changes.

Comcast: The Nightmare Continues

On several occasions now I have gone off about Comcast's poor service. First it was their decision to not only drop HDNet and HDNet Movies, but to announce the change with a postcard touting their improved service. Then it was the deteriorating internet service, and customer service representatives who, when customers have the audacity to complain, remind you that they don't guarantee 100% service. That's understandable, but when repeated outages start dragging that average hits 80% (5 "down" days out of 30), it becomes ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the rude technicians.

So how could Comcast possibly top itself?

By forgetting what time it is.

When you rent a DVR from the cable company, the time is set by them. There's no option for customers to set it themselves. Consequently, if that time runs a couple of minutes too fast, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Additionally, if you're not watching the recorded programs until several days afterwards, you're not even going to be aware that there was a problem until it's too late.

I first began to get suspicious when I sat down on Tuesday to watch Heroes, and the show started with the last two minutes of Howie Mandel handing out briefcases on Deal or No Deal. And so what happens at the other end of the recording? Yup, I missed the last two minutes of Heroes. And since pretty much every episode of the series ends in a cliffhanger, I became quite distraught. Even cried myself to sleep.

Then yesterday I ran into the same situation with House. It started with the last two minutes of American Idol, and ended about two minutes prematurely. Same thing with the Medium that I just finished watching.

At first I thought maybe Comcast was getting back at me for dropping their internet service. But when I was checking my counter stats, I saw that one person had come across the site by googling some combination of the words "comcast time wrong warrenton." Not quite sure how that brought them here, but it was enough to tell me that other people have run into the same phenomenon.

I haven't yet watched last night's Lost, and frankly, I'm afraid of what I might find.

I checked the time on the DVR this afternoon, and it appears that they have finally corrected the problem. But still, how freakin' hard is it to learn how to tell time?

In a related matter, someone at a Verizon had told me a few weeks ago that DSL wasn't available where I live. And when I went to their site and typed in my address, I got the same information. But then I tried typing in the same street address but with the apartment numbers of my neighbors, and guess what? DSL was available to them! (Hey, if Bush can spy on Americans, then so can I).

After checking back with Verizon, it turned out that the problem was apparently that I didn't have a land line. Not sure why that made a difference, but apparently it was confusing their computer.

Anyway, my DSL package arrived today. It's now up and running, and so far I'm impressed. Hopefully Verizon's long term reliability will turn out to be better than Comcast's. Now if only they would hurry up and get FiOS out here, then I'll be able to dump our pathetic excuse for a cable company entirely.

Why I Now Have Nine Toes

Well, I've apparently managed to shoot myself in the foot.

Earlier in the week I had stopped by the Verizon Experience store in Fair Oaks Mall. The employee did a preliminary check and said yes, I could get DSL at my address if I wanted it. After thinking about it overnight, I took the cable modem back to my local Comcast office. They offered to send a technician out, but I told them not to bother. I already knew what they would say: The problem is that I'm splitting my signal three ways (computer and two DVR's). In fact, last summer I was having some reception with some of the cable channels, and the guy who came out went as far as to ask me why I had two DVR's. I told him it was the only way I could think of to make my cable bill even higher.

The technician's complaint ignores the fact that I have had some the same set up for over a year with no problems. So why, all of a sudden, does the size of my signal splitter become an issue? I told the people at the cable office that I didn't want to deal with their technicians any more, and to just cancel my internet service. Besides, I'm still pissed about Comcast's decision in January to drop HDNet and HDNet Movies.

So today I went back to the Verizon store to sign up for DSL, and guess what? NOW they tell me they don't offer at my address. Apparently I'm too far from the local switching station or some such thing.

Great. NOW they tell me this!?!?!

They were able to tell me, however, that they have been working on FIOS here in Warrenton. Hopefully they'll get around to my street soon.

In the meantime, I refuse to go back to Comcast. Their service is too unreliable and their employees are assholes. And when I complained about a prolonged outage back in January, their response was that "we don't guarantee uninterrupted service." Now I like to think I'm reasonable, and I could live with something like 99% or 98% reliability. But when that figure starts approaching the 80% mark, I think I'm entitled to complain.

So for now I'll stick with my Verizon aircard. Granted, if I use it here at home with my desktop, the speed is no better than with dialup service. It takes absolutely FOREVER to download porn. But I've also tried it on a new laptop closer in to DC (where Verizon has an upgraded network), and the speeds there really do rival those of broadband.

Incidentally, my laptop did detect a wireless signal, apparently from one of the neighboring apartments. But when I tried to access it, I was asked for a password.

Not that I would actually have stolen their signal, of course. I was just doing it purely as an experiment.

That Great Big Sucking Sound You Hear Is Comcast

I miss Adelphia Cable.

Yes, they were in bankruptcy. And yes, their founders are repeatedly being anally raped in jail because they built golf courses with company money. But at least you could count on their internet connection being there 24 hours a day.

So what's Comcast's excuse? They bought my local cable system from what was left of Adelphia, and the level of service promptly went down the toilet.

Back in January their internet connection went down for two solid days. Then for the next few months it was mostly okay, but still subject to occasional brief outages lasting a few minutes.

Then last Sunday it went down and stayed down. It was understandable, since this was right about the time that massive windstorm hit here. It would eventually come back up Tuesday afternoon.

At any rate, when it was still down Monday morning, I actually went to the local Verizon store and bought a wireless card. It plugs into the USB port, so it will work with desktops as well as laptops.... Which is handy, since my laptop dates back to the late 90's and doesn't have a USB connection.

So why do I bring this up now? Because Comcast's worthless piece of crap internet service is down AGAIN! It was down this morning, and it's still down this evening. I'm sorely tempted to drop Comcast entirely and just toss $40 bucks every month out into the middle of the street. Either method would pretty much accomplish the same thing.

Comcast's Inferior Service

For the last three years or so I've used Adelphia Cable. As you no doubt know, Adelphia hit some hard times, what with the company's founder's getting arrested for building homes and golf courses with corporate funds. Eventually the company ended up in bankruptcy and was divide up among other cable providers. Aside from not being asked to play golf with John Rigas, I really had no particular complaints about Adelphia's service.

The Adelphia franchises in the DC area--including mine--ended up with Comcast, and boy, does Comcast suck. They're almost as incompetent as the Bush administration. On the other hand, tens of thousands of people have not died because of Comcast's incompetence, so I suppose I should give them some credit.

My first inkling of what was ahead came in late December when I received a postcard saying: "Comcast is pleased to announce the following changes to its High Definition TV level of service on Tuesday, January 16, 2007." The card then went on to tell me that they were dropping--among others--two of my favorite channels: HD Net and HD Net Movies and replacing them with Discovery HD and TNT HD.

Now I have no problem with them adding channels to their lineup. But is it necessary to drop channels and restrict your customers' choices? If nothing else, make those two HD channels part of some premium hi-def package that costs extra. But no, Comcast isn't willing to even do that.

So if I wasn't already pissed enough at losing my high definition versions of Enterprise, Boomtown, and Dead Like Me, Comcast decided to f*ck up my Internet access. When I came home Friday evening, the connection was down. And judging by my Weatherbug feed, which had last updated at 1:58 PM, it had been down a while.

I understand things happen, so I waited a while. Finally around nine I called Comcast. After fighting my way through their stupid voicemail lineup, I ended up listening to bad smooth jazz for 20 minutes before a live human picked up. He checked and finally said, yeah, there's a borderline outage in my area.

Borderline?? But I've been down since almost two o'clock.

Then the guy gives me some line of crap about a "node" that's at 81%, which is borderline bad. If it had been at 80% then it would definitely be bad.

Apparently the fact that some customers are already without service doesn't qualify this node thing as being bad.

My connection was still down yesterday morning so I went off to work thinking that a big company like Comcast would surely already be working on the problem. But when I got home around 6, there was no change. I called Comcast, fought with the voicemail, endured the smooth jazz, and again got a live human. He confirmed that yes, there was an outage throughout most of Virginia. Then he said that the problem was first reported at 3:15 that afternoon.

Huh?

I told him about my phone call the previous evening and he explained that it wasn't actually an outage then. Something about those damn percentages again. So then I just repeatedly smashed my phone against the wall. That made me feel better. The connection finally came back up sometime overnight. Two years ago Comcast was the target of of numerous complaints in Maryland because of their outages. I hope this weekend's problems aren't an indication of what we're in for here in Virginia.

It's a pretty sad state of affairs when a corrupt, bankrupt company provides a better level of service than a financially viable one. Comcast should be embarassed.