How to Make an Ear of Corn Happy

No Scheduling Conflicts Here

Okay, so guess what I'm doing at the moment....

Now a lot of you are probably thinking that's a silly question. Obviously I'm sitting at my keyboard, typing these words. And you know what? You're wrong. I'm not.

Blogger has FINALLY gotten around to instituting scheduled post publishing. Now those of us with no lives can write our posts, and schedule them to magically show up on our blogs at a later time! That enables us bloggers to better schedule our time between pontificating online and playing with our vast collections of comic book action figures. Don't laugh; It's not easy lining up the X-Men to do battle with the bridge crew of the Enterprise D while still leaving everyone in their original factory packaging.

And is that what I'll be doing at 12:15 this afternoon, when this post will publish itself? Actually no.

I'll be in the bathroom, soaking in the, um, "artistic value" of the Miley Cyrus photos, while simultaneously ensuring the continued good health of my prostate.

That Explains My Sticky Keyboard

According to a new study, men who masturbate at least five times a week are one third less likely to develop prostate cancer during their lifetimes.

Well, if I did my math correctly, that means I should have a zero percent chance of ever developing it.

Precautionary Measures

An asteroid called 2007 TU24 will be making a relatively close pass to the Earth tonight. There is no chance of impact, however, and the closest it will get to us is 300,000 miles (the moon is 240,000 miles away). Then tomorrow it's Mars' turn, as a different asteroid will be passing just over 18,000 miles of the red planet.

These close calls should serve as a reminder that our solar system is something of a cosmic shooting gallery, and sooner or later we're gonna get nailed. That's why I've decided to move my porn collection to the safety of my Y2K bunker. People laughed when I built that thing back in 1999, but it may yet come in handy.

So even if the rest of humanity perishes from the face of the Earth, at least I'll still have my dirty pictures to keep me company.

Protecting Us From Ourselves

The FBI has launched a new War on Porn. Well, it's about damn time!! They need to stop looking for terrorists who may be trying to kill thousands of Americans in one fell swoop, or wasting their time looking for missing women like that girl in Aruba or the more recent case in Richmond. And forget trying to solve the Anthrax attacks that killed or sickened almost a dozen people in the fall of 2001.

And forget trying to prevent cyber crime, like those damn phishing emails we all keep getting from banks we've never heard of. Let them steal our identities and clean out the bank accounts of 80 year old retirees!

Preventing white collar crime is another colossal waste of time. Let those corporate bigwigs cook the books, bankrupt their companies, and throw thousands of employees out of work. That's none of the FBI's business! It's much more important to protect Americans from having the freedom to look at naked adults.

In fact, I'll be more than happy to volunteer my services as an analyst in the War on Porn.

The Gravity Of The Situation

Virginia Governor and likely contender for the 2008 democratic presidential nomination Mark Warner took a tumble off his bicycle the other day, breaking two bones in the process. Warner was apparently taking a drink of water with one hand while applying the brakes with the other. Unfortunately, only the front brakes gripped, giving the governor a painful lesson in inertia, physics, and gravity. He later underwent surgery to have a couple of metal pins inserted, and is expected to be in a cast for several weeks.

I personally went through a eerily similar incident two years ago. While reaching for a bag of Duritos, I took a spill out of the recliner and ended up facedown in the bean dip. In the process, my own right wrist became lodged between the coffee table and the mini fridge, and it was in a cast for over a month (my wrist, I mean; the minifridge was thankfully unharmed).

Needless to say, having my right hand immobilized put quite a damper on my sex life.

Guess His Hard Drive Failed

Jack Kilby has died.

Who?

He's the guy who, in 1958, invented the microchip. By compressing complex electronic switches onto a single wafer, Kilby made possible digital watches, the space program, cell phones, calculators, pacemakers, microwave ovens, programmable VCR's, computers, and the internet porn industry.

No word on whether doctors tried rebooting him.