Time for Some Summer Reading

Speaking of Change We Can Believe in....

When someone told me that the clocks were changing tonight, I called mental health services and had the guy committed to the loony bin. Imagine my chagrin when I discovered the guy was right!

Which raises an important question: Why the second Sunday of March? How the hell are we supposed to remember that? I mean, why not do on either the last Sunday of a month or the last? But scheduling it for the second Sunday requires us to learn to count. And given the poor mathematical skills of American students nowadays, that's just asking too damn much.

Besides, why even bother with the time changes any more? We're only on standard time for 18 weeks of the year, and on daylight savings time for the other 34. More importantly, since we use it the vast majority of the year, shouldn't daylight savings time become the new standard time? And if our clocks are already potty trained, do we still need to change them?

The next thing you know, the people who came up with the idea of changing the clocks back and forth will be telling us that February is too short to be a month.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just irritable because I have to find all the user manuals for the various electronic devices I have. Otherwise, I'll never figure out how to reset the times.

Bad Press

Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?

The legendary semi-annual changing of the clocks took place last night, and by now all of America should be on standard time. Many people hate doing this little ritual, and have argued that the U.S. is the only country that does it.

That's simply not true.

In fact, most of the industrial world changes their clocks twice a year. One notable exception: Japan. They only did it for a few years immediately after WWII when the evil American occupiers forced them to do so. As soon as we left, the Japanese stopped changing their clocks.

Another noticeable exception is China. Not only do they not change their clocks, they don't even observe time zones. So when it's a bright sunshiny 9 A.M. in Beijing, it's also 9 A.M. and in the middle of the night in western China.

When it comes to being a maverick, John McCain has nothing on Nepal. That tiny country not only remains on standard time year round, but also stays 15 minutes behind everyone else. In other words, if it's noon here in D.C., it's actually 9:45 PM in Kathmandu.

In Russia, Stalin once imposed Daylight Savings Time on the country and apparently forgot to end it. As a result, the entire nation remained on DST for 60 years.

And in Iran, well, it just depends on who's running the place at any given moment.

In the U.S., Arizona and Hawaii remain on standard time year round. Until 2005, Indiana allowed it's individual counties to determine whether they wanted to change their clocks (that practice had a lot to do with the fact that their northern counties are suburbs of Chicago, which is in the central time zone while most of Indiana is in the earstern zone). Then there was the winter of 1975/1976, when the U.S. decided to pass up switching to standard time entirely.

One of the few nations that has never wavered in its support of changing the clocks is Britain. They've been doing it faithfully ever since the whole idea started during WWI.

Sound Advice, No Matter Where You Are

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond, and the younger alien became angry at the lack of a reply.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking heap about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked groggily at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to f*ck with a guy who can take his penis, loop it over his shoulder twice, and still have enough left over to stick in his ear."

-----From an email

Alas, No Bigfoot

You may recall that last week a couple of guys in Georgia (NOT the one that got invaded) held a news conference to announce that they had found the body of a Bigfoot. Of course, they conveniently failed to actually bring the body with them, claiming it was being kept in a freezer for safekeeping.

DNA tests on supposed Bigfoot samples furnished by the Georgia men have proven their claim to be a hoax. According to a scientist at the University of Minnesota who ran the tests, some of the DNA was from a human, and some of it was from an opossum. Skeptics have seized on this to denounce the claim as nothing more than another hoax.

Personally, I'm not sure. Since the existence of Bigfoot remains in dispute, how would we even recognize its DNA should we ever encounter a genuine sample? For that matter, how can we say with any certainty that Bigfoot is NOT, in fact, what you get when a human mates with a opossum? Heck, that's just the sort of thing that happens in the south all the time. Seriously, have you seen Deliverance? Is it a coincidence that the movie was set in Georgia?

It would also explain why there are so many Republicans in the south.

Incoming Poo Alert

A giant inflatable dog turd the size of a house broke free from its moorings outside a Geneva museum and went berserk. The rampaging chunk of poo broke a greenhouse window and brought down a power line before being subdued by authorities.

Neighbors expressed shock and surprise at what had happened, and described it as always having been "a quiet piece of poo."

Getting a Charge Out of Life

A single lightning bolt managed to strike 91 people at an auto racng event in Norway. Fortunately no one was killed or seriously hurt, but 45 of the injured were taken to area hospitals. The bolt hit a hillside that was filled with spectators watching the race.

That's why when I'm caught outside in a thunderstorm, I immediately seek out the shelter of the tallest tree around. I figure that way, lightning will have a hard time finding me. As an added precaution, I also like to hold a metal golf club over my head to ward off any bolts that do happen to spot my hiding place.

You can never be too cautious.

Trash Talkin'

Many people complain that America imports too many things, and doesn't really manufacture anything anymore. That goes a long way towards explaining the weak dollar and other economic ills. If you agree with this assessment, then there's some good news for you: Hawaii is stepping up its exports!! Granted, the product is garbage, and it's being shipped to the mainland of the U.S., but an export is an export.

The problem is that our 50th state is running out of landfill space. The island of Oahu in particular produces an average of 10 pounds of garbage per day compared with 4.5 pounds per resident in the rest of the country. And with no place to put all that trash, the island is considering a measure to ship some of it across the Pacific, up the Columbia River, and to a landfill in Washington state.

This seems like a terrible waste. Can't Hawaiians just dump their trash on the side of the road like the rest of us? Or how about into a nearby lava flow? Those things are a dime a dozen in Hawaii.

I Got Your Impeachment Right Here, Pal

Ohio's Attorney General, Marc Dann, is now facing possible impeachment after resisting calls to voluntarily resign. Among other problems, he has admitted to having a consensual sexual relationship with a female staff member. He has also been accused of condoning sexual harassment in his office and hosting wild, drunken parties.

While it remains unclear if any laws have actually been broken, this story does illustrate an important difference between the two dominant parties in American politics: When Democrats engage in sexual shenanigans, it's with members of the opposite sex.

Timely Changes

Daylight Savings Time starts tonight at 2 A.M. in most of the United States. That means move your clocks ahead by one hour. If it seems earlier this year, it is. Congress decided a few years ago to move the time change up to the second Sunday of March, and last year was when the new rules took effect.

That's assuming, of course, that your clocks can be changed. One thing that was discovered last year was that some electronic devices simply can't be changed. They are permanently programmed to change time under the old rules, which were the LAST Sunday of March and the LAST Sunday of October.

Some people argue that changing the clocks is silly, but they're just ignorant. It magically gives farmers an "extra" hour of daylight, and that's important in an agrarian based society such as ours.

But here's a more important question: Why do we have Standard Time for only 18 weeks a year, while we have have Daylight Savings Time for 34 weeks? Doesn't "standard," by definition, mean that it is the norm and NOT the exception? So how can something that only exists approximately 35% of the time be the standard, while the exception is the rule the other 65% of the time? In other words, shouldn't the rule that is in effect almost two thirds of the year be the new Standard Time.

Of course, that raises the question of what to call the old Standard Time. Logically it should be the opposite of Daylight Savings Time, which would be Nighttime Splurging Time.

That's it. I'm writing my Congressman.

International Burnouts

The last one would have been much more realistic if the guy had blown up at the end.

Sick But Funny

Learning Experience

The northeastern U.S. has gotten clobbered by another major snowstorm. Schools were forced to close for today, highways are shut down, shopping plans have been put on hold, several deaths have been reported, and most startling of all, a U.S. Airways jet slid off a runway in Rhode Island.

Who'd have thought Rhode Island was big enough to hold an airport!?!

But Did It At Least Work?

A Washington state man had been working had been working on his Lincoln Continental for two weeks when he encountered a stubborn lug nut on one of the rear wheels. Bound and determined to get the nut off one way or another, he decided that a shotgun was the logical answer. So the man unloaded a round of buckshot onto the wheel from about an "arm's length" away.

Once the dust settled, the man found himself peppered with all sorts of debris from his feet up to his chin. He is currently hospitalized with "severe but not life-threatening" injuries.

Surprisingly, police say alcohol was NOT a factor. That means the guy was thinking perfectly clearly when he decided shooting the wheel would be a good idea.

The Importance Of Inventory Control

The U.S. Air Force has launched an investigation into how the heck it accidentally flew five nuclear warheads to Louisiana. And no, it apparently was NOT part of the Bush administration's plot to finish off New Orleans once and for all.

The incident in question concerns a shipment of cruise missiles from Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota to Barksdale Air Force Base outside Shreveport. The missiles were hanging from the wings of a B-52 bomber as it flew across the country last week Unfortunately, someone apparently failed to remove the nuke parts before sending them off into the wild blue yonder.

Well, anyone can make mistakes. A misplaced work order, or an incorrect check mark on a form, and heck, you've got Armageddon. Can you imagine if there had been an incident, like the plane accidentally hitting a flock of geese, causing a pylon to snap off, and 500,000 people ending up dead because of a clerical error?

Of course, we wouldn't have immediately known that the explosion was an accident. Everyone's first reaction would have been to jump to conclusions about what ethnic group was responsible.

In other words, we'd all would have gone out and killed ourselves a gas station attendant.

Did They Pee Oil Afterwards?

Two brothers trapped in a Chinese coal mine collapse for six days survived by eating coal and drinking.... Well, you probably don't want to know what they drank.

Those damn Chinese will be the death of us all. It's not enough that they're all buying cars and industrializing their society at a breakneck pace. Now a billion of them are going to start eating fossil fuels?!? I'm no dietitian, nor do I play one on TV, but I don't see that helping the planet's carbon dioxide levels.