Trial Update

The child molestation trial of the century continued today with an important lesson: Don't show up for court in your pajamas. Most judges tend to take a dim view of that.

Oh, and be sure to pack an extra nose just in case....

Jackson Trial Update

Michael Jackson's accuser finally took the stand today, and his testimony may will be the deciding factor in this trial. If the now 15 year old boy comes across as credible and sincere, the jury will likely vote to convict. On the other hand, if the kid does poorly on the stand and gives the impression that he's lying, Jackson will emerge looking good.

Well, except for his horribly disfigured face, I mean.

So Where's Venus?

For the third time in less than two weeks, Cardozo High School in Washington, DC is closed because of a mercury spill. The first incident occurred on Feb.23, and several sudents were arrested after a review of security tapes. In the meantime, the building was closed down for a thorough cleaning because mercury is considered a hazardous material which can lead to a number of health problems, including brain damage

No sooner did the school reopen after a cleanup by the Environmental Protection Agency that more mercury was discovered in a third floor hallway. School officials then began pointing fingers at the EPA, saying they had done sloppy work; the EPA claimed that the entire school had been cleaned and deemed safe, and that this was a brand new spill done since then.

So a second cleanup was done, and during a final inspection yesterday, what happens? More mercury is found on the floor of the basement! Consequently, the kids are off again today while yet another cleanup is conducted.

What a bunch of sissies!!!! When I was growing up they didn't school close for anything.... Well, except for snow, because that really was dangerous. But mercury? No way! Why, I remember walking to school through waist high piles of toxic waste and radiactive sludge uphill--both ways--and no one gave a rat's behind. And none of us ever suffered any kind of stupid rbain daamge!

A Rant--And It's Free!

Maybe I'm getting cranky in my old age, but advertising is increasingly getting on my nerves. I can certainly understand that if I'm getting something for 'free,' then I should be willing to put up with an ad or two. But if I'm already paying for a product or service, then why the hell should I be subjected to a sales pitch?

What really annoyed me earlier this evening was a gas station I stopped at to fill up. Just as I'm beginning to pump the gas, a loud voice comes booming through a speaker announcing that hot dogs are on sale for 89 cents. Then I come to realize that this same announcement is occurring at each individual pump as customers are buying gas. In other words, it's not a general announcement on the overhead speakers, but one directed at individual customers from a speaker on each freaking gas pump! And it's loud!!

At other gas stations I frequent, I've seen little messages that crawl across the little electronic displays on the pumps, and that's okay. I have the choice of either reading it or ignoring it.

But a loudspeaker blasting at me from two feet away is w-a-y over the line. It's overly intrusive, and there's no escaping it. Plus, if you're already shelling out thirty bucks for a tankful of gas, can you really afford to spring for a hot dog as well?

To me, this is every bit as bad as sitting down in a movie theater--a privilege I've just paid nine dollars for (Twelve if I bought a box of Junior Mints)--only to be forced to sit there and watch commercials. Previews are fine; they give me an idea of what's coming out in the coming months so I can begin saving now for my next trip to the multiplex. And I'm willing to accept a plug for the snack bar. After all, when I run out of Junior Mints I may forget that the theater has a snack bar. So thanks for reminding me that I can always go buy another one.

But do I really need to see an ad for the 2005 Chevrolets? No!!! Save the commercial for when I'm watching The O.C. for free on broadcast TV! For now, just start the dang movie that I just paid good money to see, so I can get out of here sooner, and go buy gas on the way home, only to be told that I need to buy a hot dog for 89 cents, which I don't want because I'm ready to throw up from the three boxes of Junior Mints I just scarfed down at the movies!!!!

Trials And Tribulations

The Michael Jackson trial continues to serve as a beacon of judicial hope for all the world's falsely accused child molesters. Needless to say, the Catholic Church is following it closely.

Now Jackson's attorneys are saying that the defendant's mother tried to shake down other celebrities for money as well, including Jay Leno and Jim Carrey. The lawyers claim that only Jackson had the naivete to not smell something fishy.

Well, that shouldn't surprise anyone. Jackson hasn't been able to smell a damn thing since he lost his nose in a horrible plastic surgery accident.

A Life Of Crime Averted?

A 14 year old boy in Annapolis, Maryland has been charged with assault after hitting a girl with a--GASP!!!--snowball. No word on whether authorities have connected the offender to any other crimes against humanity involving frozen precipitation.

And while this incident may seem incredibly petty on the surface, it is not. This arrest will hopefully keep the youth from sliding further into an abyss of petty theft, drug abuse, grand larceny, murder, and jaywalking.

Indeed, it wouldn't surprise me if throwing snowballs was how the BLT killer in Wichita got his start.

Sometimes Bad Decisions Come Back To Bite You On The Tuckus

Back in the last millennium, I attended George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. And while I never actually graduated, college was the best six years of my life. Consequently I tend to keep up with news about the place.

Last fall Michael Moore was scheduled to speak at Mason, but the invitation was withdrawn after republican state legislators complained. University officials said at the time--and continue to insist--that the decision was made because Moore's $35,000 fee was being paid out of state funds. Godless democrats who will no doubt burn in hell for opposing George W. Bush say the school's administrators simply caved in to critics.

In what had been an unrelated matter, GMU had been seeking to obtain a Phi Beta Kappa chapter. Doing so is apparently a pretty big deal among colleges and universities, and having such a chapter adds greatly to a school's prestige and academic standing.

Well, as it turns out, the Phi Beta Kappa folks turned GMU down. Their decision was based on concerns about academic freedom, apparently raised by the cancellation of Michael Moore's appearance.

I know shouldn't, but I'm laughing my uneducated ass off.

Settling For Two Inches

For the thousands of you wondering what finally happened with the snow yesterday, well, we finally did get some. It started falling shortly before noon and through most of the afternoon, it pretty much melted as soon as it hit the ground. It didn't begin to stick to the roads until after the sun went down. Nonetheless, the fact remains that what did finally occur was nothing of the magnitude predicted the day before.

None of the weather forecasters issued an apology for inducing mass panic among the populace, though they all seemed to offer forth plenty of excuses. This might be acceptable, except that we went through the exact same thing just last Thursday: School cancellations, government workers on liberal leave, salt trucks deployed, and no snow despite the dire warnings of forecasters.

It is becoming increasingly evident that our current crop of meteorologists are incapable of weather forecasting. Yet it is to society's benefit that we should know what to expect from Mother Nature.

Therefore, the obvious solution is to hire monkeys to forecast the weather. If they get a forecast right, we give them a banana. On the other hand, if they get it wrong, we give them electric shocks. Rest assured that before long, the chimps will be doing a much better job than the humans we currently have handling the task.

Where's My Ten Inches?

Yesterday morning started with forecasts of 3"-7" of snow for today, possibly changing to rain or sleet later. In other words, nothing too severe.

But then beginning around noon--and through the rest of the day--the predictions turned positively ominous. The storm was now to swing further out into the ocean, thus picking up more moisture while at the same time allowing more cold air into the region. The National Weather Service went as to issue something called a "heavy snow warning." Up to ten inches were now being called for, starting overnight between midnight and 1:00 A.M. By the rush hour this morning we would have two or three inches on the ground, and the heavy stuff would kick in around nine. The winds would pick up, and drifting snow would quickly make roads virtually impassable. Snowfall rates would exceed an inch an hour, polar bears would be roaming neighborhood streets, and herds of wooly mammoths would stampede down Pennsylvania Avenue, crushing any pedestrians foolish enough to wander outside.

In anticipation of the coming ice age every school system in the DC area closed for today, the federal government gave most of its employees unscheduled leave, and hundreds of salt trucks were deployed to sit on the sides of the roads.

So what happened? Well, as of about 9:00 A.M.: Absolutely nothing. Squat. Nada. No snow. Not a single God blessed flake has fallen. The weather forecasters are still bravely calling for three to six inches later today, but they have once again begun hedging their bets by saying that it may switch to rain. So they're at least still hanging tough in calling for some snow. But none of them have apologized or even admitted that a mistake may have perhaps possibly been made yesterday when they sent the general populace into a state of near panic.

But the worst part of this is that I had believed them. I even went as far as to abandon my car on a highway ramp yesterday afternoon. Granted, the roads were perfectly dry at the time, but it's good to be prudent. After all, once it does begin to snow, all the good spots are quickly taken.

Getting Your Dander Up

Over the weekend several groups in DC jointly sponsored a clinic to spay and neuter stray and homeless cats. By all measures, the event was a remarkable success, with 500 felines being fixed.

Some people, though, seemed to take issue with the location of the clinic: An elementary school cafeteria. The resulting uproar from parents finally led to the cancellation of classes for today so that the building could be thoroughly disinfected.

Personally, I don't see what the problem was.... Unless, of course, today's lunch menu included spaghetti and mystery meatballs.

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

Passing The Puck
Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Miracle on Ice. That, of course, was the US Olympic hockey team's victory over the evil Russians in the 1980 winter games in Lake Placid.

To fully appreciate what that event meant to Americans, you have to remember the circumstances at the time: The Iranians had seized our embassy and 52 hostages only months before, the Russians had recently invaded Afghanistan, the US economy was in tatters, the humiliation of Vietnam was still fresh, Watergate had destroyed our faith in ourselves, and there was a putz in the White House.

Er, a different putz.

In short, the morale of America was at as low as it had ever been, and faith in our future was virtually non-existent. So when a group of zit-faced college students and other assorted amateurs took to the ice motivated by nothing more than the love of hockey, no one expected them to amount to anything.

Instead they defeated what was considered to be the finest group of hockey players in the world, and in so doing restored a nation's faith in itself.

Coo-Coo

Jenna Elfman, formerly of TV's 'Dharma & Greg,' is a Christian Scientist who takes her religion very seriously. She is currently on a quest to track down and eliminate 'body thetans.' Those are aliens who took over Earth after a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago and continue to live among us.

Now some of you may dismiss her rantings as the by-product of having botox injected directly into the brain, but I'm not so sure she's crazy. The fact is that if there are aliens living among human society, it would explain an awful lot about the state of our world.

I mean, have you seen Michael Jackson lately?

New Math

American Airlines, as part of its ongoing campaign to alienate customers, has announced it is discontinuing pillows on all domestic flights. The airline, which lost $761 million last year, says the move will have the additional benefit of saving $375,000 annually.

Hmmmm.... Let's do the math on this, shall we?

761,000,000
      -300,000
760,700,000

Oh yeah. That should turn things right around!

Back on Jan. 11 a man in Alexandria, VA carjacked a Cadillac from a McDonald's parking lot. Occurring at the height of the morning rush hour, there were plenty of witnesses who quickly called police. Within minutes, officers from three different jurisdictions were in pursuit of the car. The carjacker, desperate to get away, ended up headed the wrong direction into a parking lot of one of the most heavily guarded places on Earth: The Pentagon. He eventually crashed the vehicle and was quickly subdued.

Normally this is the type of story that ends with a chuckle and a comment about how stupid criminals can be.

"Normally."

In this particular case, however, the story had a decidedly sad twist to it, for just before crashing, the suspect hit a Pentagon Police officer.

That officer, James Feltis, died yesterday afternoon without ever having regained consciousness.

Boxers Or Briefs

If you haven't heard, the Virginia General Assembly was considering a bill to outlaw deliberately wearing one's pants in such a way that it exposes your underwear.

Well, thank God our leaders have their priorities straight!! To hell with addressing antiquated road systems, rising unemployment, or the lack of proper healthcare for the state's unisured! Such trivial matters pale in comparison to the real and immediate threat posed by teenagers who expose their skivvies!

One down side: If the measure is adopted, it will effectively ban Britney Spears and plumbers from Virginia.

A Matter Of Balance

During a recent press conference President Bush kept saying he would cut the budget in half over the next four years. He even went as far as to say that the current budget is $427 billion. Normally it would be quite impressive that our nation's leader has such a command of the numbers except for one slight problem: The actual budget is 2.43 trillion (yes, with a "t") dollars. It's the deficit which is $427 billion. A single slip of the tongue would be excusable, but the President made the same mistake four times.

Well, maybe in 2008 the we can elect someone who has a reasonable grasp of the the English language.

______________________________________________________

TiVo Alert
For anyone who enjoys quality science fiction, (which rules out the last two Star Wars movies) the SciFi Channel is rerunning the first five episodes of the new Battlestar Galactica series beginning at 7 PM (EST) tonight.

And if the first thing you thought of when I said Battlestar Galactica was the Lorne Greene version from 25 years ago, shame on you. Purge the memory of that show from your memory banks. Delete the files from your mind. Flush the files down the toilet. Do whatever is necessary to forever forget that hideous atrocity.

Aside from the basic premise and a few common characters, there is no resemblance between the two series. There is nothing "camp" or even vaguely amusing about the new Galactica. Indeed, it is a much grittier show that does a good job of conveying the desperate situation faced by the human survivors.

But most importantly, the character of Starbuck is a hot babe who kicks some serious ass when necessary. Then afterwards she'll kick back and relax by smoking a cigar.

Kinda makes me wish I was a Cuban.

A Nation Still Divided

______________________________________________________

Protecting Your Cock
In a story which could only happen in a progressive, forward-thinking red state, an Oklahoma state senator has proposed legalizing cockfighting again. The "sport" had been outlawed by voters in 2002.

Under the new law, however, roosters would go at each other with tiny little rubber boxing gloves so as to minimize bloodshed.

Jeez.... I don't know about anyone else, but I always have a hard time getting my cock to sit still long enough to slip those little rubber things on it.... Especially when there's an audience watching.

Interest

Today was Groundhog Day, which is a rather peculiar American holiday. But the bottom line is that Alan Greenspan emerged from his burrow, saw his shadow, and the United States is in for another six weeks of high interest rates.

Republican Hopes

While delivering a speech yesterday, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton passed out. A doctor attending the conference quickly roused the former First Lady, a feat that Bill last accomplished in 1985.

Seat Upgrade

Actress Lara Flynn Boyle was on a recent flight to London when she began acting strangely. According to crew members and passengers on the British Airways plane, Ms. Boyle stripped naked in the first class cabin, woke a sleeping male passenger, and tried to seduce him.

That does it! No more coach for me!!

Bet You Can't Eat Just One

The upcoming Super Bowl will mark the one year anniversary (okay, one year plus a couple of days) of the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" that unleashed Janet Jackson's boobie upon an unsuspecting America. Since that terrible day of unspeakable horror, a date which will live in infamy, hundreds of thousands of Americans have died in the rampaging tit's evil clutches. Yet its homicidal rage knows no bounds as it continues to inflict pain, suffering, and fatal levels of embarrassment upon all who cross its path.... Especially the fuddy-duddies in the red states.

Budweiser, long famous for its great Super Bowl ads, prepared a special tribute commercial to help mark this national day of mourning. However, after conferring with officials from both the NFL as well as Fox TV, the beer company has agreed to pull the spot. Perhaps they deemed it too emotionally powerful, or maybe they feared it would bring back too many gut-wrenching memories among viewers. Whatever the reasons, the commercial will never air.

However, those of you who feel you are up to handling the emotional carnage seeing it may unleash in your own psyche, you can watch the ad here. Just give it a click if you dare.

And may God have mercy upon your soul if you do....

Sleigh Bells Ring

As if to remind us that winter is not over, a quick look at Mother Nature's day planner shows us that she has a major snowstorm planned for the east coast today. The New York city area is expected to get the worst of it, with 15" predicted under blizzard conditions.

The evolution of DC's forecast was quite interesting. It started off early yesterday morning calling for 3"-5". Not a major problem, but annoying. Then shortly before noon they increased it slightly to 3"-6". Later in the afternoon it went up to 4"-8" and by the time the early evening newscasts hit the air, it had morphed into a serious storm of 5"-9". Then right about the time I was getting to ready to crawl into bed (literally) they were predicting 6"-10". As for this morning's forecast, well, I'm afraid to turn on the radio.

The way those snowfall amounts kept growing reminded me of the effect chapters 10 and 11 of the "Bound" DVD have on me.

Second Verse, Same as the First

Congratulations to George W. Bush, who was sworn in for a second term today much to consternation of godless liberals (personally I'm a godless conservative, but that's a story for another day) who are going straight to hell when they die. It's hard to say what the next four years of his presidency will bring, but if you're the leader of Iran, it would be a good idea to be very nervous.

The people of the United States remain just as divided as before the election, however. So-called red staters (think "R" for Republicans) continue to fervently believe that Dubya is the best thing to happen to America since sliced bread. Blue staters, on the other hand, remain convinced that Bush actually has the IQ of a slice of bread.

Unfortunately America will continue to drift further to the right as the red states continue to increasingly dominate the blue ones. The people of the blue states have only themselves to blame for this sad fact.

The home-schooled evangelicals of the red states will continue to reproduce like rabbits. Meanwhile, the condemned souls of the blue states will continue to use condoms and get abortions, thus leading to their own eventual extinction.

In fact, you know that theory about the dinosaurs being wiped out by a meteorite? It's nonsense. What really killed them off was the invention of rubbers.



P.S.
JibJab.com wasted no time in coming out with Second Term.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Some dastardly hacker managed to access Paris Hilton's Blackberry and read her email. According to a source, the hotel heiress turned international bimbo was extremely upset by the incident.

"It’s one thing to have people looking at your sex tapes," said a source, "but having people reading your personal e-mails is a real invasion of privacy."

I don't know about you, but this story left me absolutely stunned. Who'd have thought that Paris Hilton knows how to operate a Blackberry?

______________________________________________________

Coo-Coo

Someone at Virginia's Mary Washington University apparently obtained a computer password and sent out an email to the entire student body. The message reads in part: "A message to all liberals, atheists, God-haters, gays, Europeans and Democrats. As you may well know, the victory of the Great George W Bush has swept the land to give a glorious victory to the righteous against the forces of Evil Liberalism in all its present forms."

Um.... Okay.

Campus police are investigating the case, and the department's police chief says that the crime of "theft of computer services" is a misdemeanor punishable by 12 months in jail and a $2500 fine.

What the chief apparently doesn't realize is that if a crime is committed by a religious nutcase in the name of the Almighty, then it's not actually a crime.

Good Thing I've Had My Shots

Well, I just got home from the hospital. No, it wasn't anything serious, but they wanted to keep me for a while to make sure I wasn't contagious.

It all started when I was reading this interview with President Bush in which he said that his reelection validated his Iraq policy, and that he now has a mandate from the American people. He also says that there was "no reason to hold any administration officials accountable for mistakes or misjudgments in prewar planning or managing the violent aftermath."

Well, needless to say, when I read all that I began babbling incoherently about how the President only won 50.8% of the popular vote compared to Kerry's 48.3% (final Numbers). If he had gotten something like 60% of the vote, then okay, that's definitely a mandate. But 50.8%? Not only is that NOT a mandate, that's barely a majority!!

And this business about Bush having gotten more votes than any other presidential candidate in history? That may be true, but another truth is that Kerry's 59,028,550 votes means that more people voted AGAINST Bush than any other candidate in American history.

Let's also keep in mind that the President won Ohio by 118,457 votes. If 59,229 people in the state had voted the other way, Kerry would be the one getting sworn in on Thursday. What kind of mandate is that!?!

Anyway, one of my neighbors, a diehard red-stater, saw me and called the authorities. The police showed up and saw me foaming at the mouth. Then they called animal control, and when that guy showed up, he became concerned that I might have rabies and shot me with a tranquilizer dart.

So then they took me down to the hospital where they ran a number of tests to make sure I wasn't a danger to myself, and that I didn't have a fever, and that I wasn't rabid, and that I was properly housebroken. After everything checked out, they let me go provided I kept myself properly sedated.

Fine.... BUT IT STILL WASN'T A FREAKING MANDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

______________________________________________________

Brrr
The DC area's fling with spring is now officially over. After more than two weeks of temperatures in the 50's and 60's (and a record 72 last Thursday) we're back down into the 20's for our highs. Tonight will be even worse, with expected lows in the single digits and windchills of below zero (that's fahrenheit, for all you foreign types). With Bush's inauguration only days away, the cold weather is actually rather appropriate. Many people had predicted he would be reelected only when "hell froze over."

Stoned

A few weeks ago the Cassini spacecraft released a European probe designed to land on the surface of Titan, Saturn's most mysterious moon. It has finally touched down, and dramatic photos taken by its on-board cameras reveal, beyond all doubt, indisputable evidence of what can only be described as: Rocks.

Yes, it's true: There are rocks on Titan. Scientists all around the world are agog at the photos, for this proves, once and for all, that rocks are not a unique phenomenon confined merely to The Earth, our moon, and Mars. Indeed, the presence of rocks on Titan is the strongest evidence to date that our own rocks may not be alone in this vast universe of ours.

If true, this discovery will have profound implications not only for mankind, but for how we view ourselves and our rocks in the grand scheme of things.

Bad Moon Rising

The National Football League has fined Minnesota Vikings receiver Randy Moss $10,000. The penalty is for an incident last Sunday in which Moss pretended to drop his pants and 'moon' the fans in Green Bay.

Well, thank God the NFL has put its foot down. There is no room for such vulgar displays on national TV when children are watching. Besides, Mr. Moss is an adult. As such, he needs to learn to control such petty and immature impulses.

Instead of resorting to such disgusting displays, he should have done what any self-respecting professional athlete would have done: Gone up into the stands and kicked someone's ass.

______________________________________________________

Frostbite Alert
The unrelenting ferocity of this year's winter continues to brutalize the DC area. Many residents, unaccustomed to such extreme weather, are desperately trying to escape the harsh conditions only to find that the airports are already clogged with democrats fleeing to Canada. To give you an idea of how bad it is, it was 65 degrees (18 celsius) at noon today, and it's expected to top 70 before all is said and done; meanwhile, rumors continue to circulate that republican senators have been rounding up democrats, stripping them naked, and dragging them around the Capitol with a leash.

I take comfort in the fact that sooner or later, spring will arrive. In the meantime I have decided to cope with the vagaries of Mother Nature by going to Wal-Mart and stocking up on some more winter clothes.

I'm thinking Bermuda shorts and a pair of flip-flops.

Remember To Duck When The Time Comes

Earlier today NASA launched a spacecraft know as "Deep Impact.' It's goal is to rendezvous with the comet Tempel 1 next summer. It will then study the comet in a rather unique fashion: By launching an 820 pound probe and smash it into the surface of Tempel 1 at 23,000 miles an hour.

WHOA!!!! Are we absolutely sure this is something we want to be doing? Is it wise to go around the solar system pissing off large celestial objects that may just decide that enough is enough, and it's time to get even with mankind? I mean, we already know that it was a large meteorite that took out the dinosaurs, right? Can we be certain that it was an accident, or did some curious brontosaurus launch a probe to go crash into a comet to see what it's made off?

I don't mean to sound like a luddite, but I think we humans should stick to killing each other without inviting help from our heavenly neighbors.

______________________________________________________

Half Price
A German tourist went to a doctor while vacationing in Costa Rica because his leg had become swollen. Expecting to be given an aspirin, the man instead instead ended up in a hospital where he was given drugs to knock him out.

When he awoke three days later, he found himself in an airport departure lounge. The man's luggage was next to him, but a further inventory of his belongings revealed that his leg had been amputated. His wallet had been cleaned out and the cash replaced with a receipt for the operation.

This incident serves to further demonstrate that medical care in the United States is vastly overpriced. If this incident had happened, say, in New York, he would have been charged an ARM as well as a leg.

______________________________________________________

Bend Over, Washington

A number of people have suggested that the $40 million cost of the Bush inauguration--money raised from corporate and individual contributions--should be donated instead to the various tsunami relief agencies. As it turns out, that $40 million only covers the various cermonial aspects of the inauguration. Security is an entirely different issue, and the White House has told city officials in Washington, DC that they are responsible for covering over $17 million of the cost of providing protection for the President, assorted dignataries, and thousands of visitors.

Most of this $17 million, according to the White House, should come out of homeland defense grants given to the city. That money was never intended to cover routine Federal functions, but rather to cover the hiring of more first responders, the purchase of equipment for them, and the protection of the ordinary citizens of the city. Of course, that was before anyone realized how much Bush's second coronation was going to cost.

Then again, to hell with the people of DC. That's what they get for voting overwhelmingly for John Kerry!

Are The End Times Upon Us?

A lot has been going on in the world as of late, and there are those among us who say that Armageddon is drawing near. They point to increasingly volatile weather around the world, war, terrorism, earthquakes, and tsunamis. These naysayers claim that the Bible has somehow foretold these horrors as being early signs of the end of the world.

Thus far I have treated such talk as utter nonsense. Mother Nature has always been a cranky old bat, political differences have often been settled by the sword, nutcases have always sought to kill in the name of one god or another, and tectonic plates occasionally shift violently. So until now I really didn't feel there was anything to worry about.

But after this weekend's news, I'm no longer so smug. Sometimes things happen that defy all conventional wisdom, and cause a total reversal in the natural order of the world. Up becomes down; north becomes south; day becomes night; and a previously oppressed people reject the gift of democracy.

I speak, of course, of the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston breakup.

I'm pretty sure I saw something about that in the Book of Revelations.

Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow

Actress Kate Beckinsale has decided to give away her daughter's pet rabbit because, well, it just wouldn't stop masturbating. The star of Pearl Harbor says that the critter was constantly pleasuring itself and trying to hump its food bowl, and her daughter kept asking what he was doing.

"Also, he was boring and, other than masturbate, he didn't do anything," added Ms. Beckinsale.

Hmmm.... I guess that means Ms. Beckinsale wouldn't like me very much either.

Aftermath

The United States Government has now committed $350 million to the tsunami relief effort, and President Bush has called on the private sector to give even more. In an attempt to set an example, Bush is donating $10,000 of his own money.

That's quite a noble gesture, but in the end, that's really all it is: A gesture.

If Bush is serious about calling on the private sector for donations, he could easily take this to the next level. As it stands now, his upcoming inauguration will cost $40 million, all financed through donations.

Skip the fancy parade and the elaborate inaugural balls (there are typically four of them, attended by thousands). Take that $40 million and distribute it among the various relief agencies. Then hold a simple swearing in ceremony in the Capitol rotunda attended by maybe a hundred or so congressional leaders. Afterwards go out for brunch at a local Denny's and have Cheney pick up the tab.

By doing this, Bush could help the United States regain much of the stature it has lost throughout the world.

Back on December 27, I had a link to a Michael Dobbs' first hand account of the tsunami in the Washington Post. Because the power was out, he wrote that story by candlelight and dictated it to the paper over a cellphone. Dobbs has since written a more extensive account of what the experience was like, as well as its immediate aftermath. Fortunately his other family members came through the experience fine, though several of them had close calls as well.

Also, here's an interview a DC area radio station had with Scott Yellin, on the training staff of the NY Yankees. Yellin lives in Thailand during the off season, and barely outran the tsunami on his motorcycle.

______________________________________________________

Next They're Going To Tell Us There's No Santa
A man in Denver has admitted to perpetrating a hoax upon much of the world. He had supposedly set up a web site which enabled visitors to click his Christmas lights on and off. Newspapers from around the world carried the story. At one point, a local TV station's helicopter even hovered overhead to provide live coverage to its viewers of the lights going off and on.

One small problem: It wasn't for real. The man had set up a series of photos of his house, some with the lights on and some with them off. As visitors--desperate to give meaning to their obviously boring lives--to the site clicked the switch, the photos would alternate to make it appear they were actually controlling the lights. Oh, and the thing with the helicopter? The guy's wife was in the house manually flicking the light switch. Pretty high tech, eh?

Apparently the man has technically broken no laws with his deception since he wasn't charging a fee. However, he has shattered the faith of millions of web surfers who had thus far considered the credibility of the internet to be beyond question.

What's next? Someone revealing that Saddam's blog isn't really written by Saddam?

The Ol' In & Out

First off, let me say that all you blue staters need to get your minds out of the gutter. That's NOT the kind of "In & Out" I was talking about! Rather, I was referring to the one the Washington Post publishes every January 1. They've been doing it ever since I was a wee little lad in the wilds of Transylvania, and this year is no exception. And as with past ones, the new list is heavy on irony and humor.

Dave Barry also has his annual review, 2004: No Thanks for the Memories.

Happy New Year!!

Flights From Hell

Ever since 9-11, the nation has lived in fear of another terror attack. No one seemed to know what form it would take, but many considered the airlines to be particularly vulnerable. And the general consensus was that another attack on that industry would destroy it.

The current holiday travel season has proved to be a disaster for many travelers. US Scareways, already operating under bankruptcy protection, managed to lose 10,000 pieces of luggage over Christmas. Airline officials blame the weather, but others suspect that the company's difficulties with some of its unions was behind it.

Comair, a regional carrier connected to Delta Airlines, suffered a complete breakdown of its computer system. The result was a cancellation of ALL its flights on the 25th.

Not content to remain competent, Northwest has now joined the party. One of its jets, flying from Amsterdam to Seattle, was forced to land at Moses Lake, Washington because of weather problems at its destination airport. Unfortunately, Moses Lake doesn't have customs inspectors and the passengers were forced to remain on the plane. During the course of what would eventually turn into a 28 hour flight, food and water began to run short, and the toilets stopped working. Local sheriffs' deputies eventually sealed off part of the terminal, and the passengers were allowed into that portion of the building. And just in case all that wasn't fun enough, the pilots ran up against a FAA rule which limits how many consecutive hours they can work. A fresh crew had to be brought in from Minnesota so the flight could eventually continue on to Seattle.

Not wanting to miss out on the party, now comes word that United's flight attendants have authorized a strike if the airline voids their contract.

Hell, at this rate, Osama won't have to lift a finger to destroy the airline industry!

Positively Ecstatic<

Scientists are studying--with the blessing of the Food and Drug Administration--whether the illegal drug ecstasy can benefit terminally ill cancer patients. Specifically, the study will seek to learn if the drug can help people come to terms with their impending death.

Heaven forbid, however, that we should give those same dying people access to medicinal marijuana.

Nature's Fury

The toll in yesterday's devastating tsunamis continues to mount. Michael Dobbs, a Washington Post writer, was swimming off the coast of a small island near Sri Lanka when the wave hit. He has written a first hand account of what that was like.

Speaking of the Post, it's front page featured the below photo from Thailand. The level of destruction, with piles of debris littering the streets and cars thrown every which way, was evidence of the fury Mother Nature is capable of producing. Needless to say, the picture left me absolutely stunned and utterly speechless, with only one thought echoing through my mind:

"I didn't know Thailand had 7-11's."

The Meaning of Christmas

The nice thing about having Christmas fall on a Saturday is that it buys you a whole additional week to procrastinate. But alas, time is almost up, so I suppose I should get my Christmas cards done.

Now many of you are saying, "But Lugosi, tomorrow is Christmas Day and the post offices are closed. And the 26th is a Sunday, so again, the post offices are closed. There's no possible way anyone will your card till the 28th at the absolute earliest. What do you have to say for yourself?"

What do I have to say for myself!?! Hey, I'm not the one talking to my computer, pal.

Once you get past the mental health aspects of it, my system makes perfect sense. Over the last several weeks I've been setting aside all the cards I've gotten. Tonight I'll simply take them and compile my Christmas card list using the return addresses from the envelopes. That way I don't waste time sending a card to anyone who wasn't considerate enough to send me theirs on time.

Pretty good system, eh?

And then tomorrow I'll do my Christmas shopping. "But Lugosi," I hear some of you saying. "Tomorrow is Christmas Day. The stores are all closed. There's no way you can do your shopping."

Let me first say that you're really starting to creep me out with that constant talking to yourselves. Please go see a responsible mental health professional for some help. But beyond that, all the stores are NOT closed. 7-11 is open!

Yes, it's true. I do my Christmas shopping at a convenience store. Perhaps a bit odd by societal standards, but certainly not as weird as trying to converse with me through a computer screen. And if you think about it, Christmas shopping at 7-11 actually makes a lot of sense. Not only can I buy my presents and wrapping paper, but I can also fill up on gas and eat breakfast, all at the same time!

The only drawback is getting the scotch tape to stick when I wrap those frozen burritos.

Track Him, Shoot Him, And Skin Him

For those of you who wish to track Santa during his Christmas Eve journey, whether for the enjoyment of your kids or simply for a chance to take a shot at the jolly old elf, you can click the sleigh to the left. For the 50th year in a row, NORAD stops by scanning the skies for missiles carrying instant, fiery death, and instead devotes its full resources to tracking Santa Claus.

I don't know about you, but I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart just thinking about that.... Followed by a deep, primal sense of utter terror deep in the pit of my stomach.

Now in case you don't have a computer and are thus unable to read this blog entry, NORAD is also providing a helpful toll free phone number at 1-877-446-6723. You can call for eyewitness accounts of Santa's flyovers, as well as the likely trajectories of any nuclear missiles launched by hostile powers because our guard was down.

______________________________________________________

Wonder If She's Met Mr. Broom Handle Yet?
Martha Stewart is complaining that not only is prison life is harsh, but that the food is bad! She has also begun calling for reforms in sentencing guidelines.

This is a very noble cause that Miss Stewart has undertaken, and is certainly not influenced in anyway by her own current situation.

On the other hand, she has already made her own impact on the prison system:

______________________________________________________

But Would Someone Have Still Come Up With Grand Theft Auto?
Heard the following on a local radio station, but have no idea who actually wrote it.

If The Three Wise Men had actually been Three Wise Women, they would have stopped to ask for directions and arrived in time.

They would have helped deliver the baby Jesus.

Afterwards they would have cleaned the manger.

They would have brought practical gifts, including a nice casserole dish.

And we really would have peace on Earth.

______________________________________________________

Traffic

If there's one thing we here in Washington are proud of--aside from the creation of ever larger bureaucracies, that is--it's our traffic congestion. Our traffic is currently ranked third worst in the nation, and we're damn proud of it. Some day soon we hope to be number one.

One of the wonderful things about such horrible congestion is that it really doesn't take much to bring entire highways to a halt. It's not unusual to encounter a two mile backup simply because someone is changing a tire on the OTHER side of the highway.

This morning's mess, however, became the stuff of legend. Shortly before 4 A.M. a tanker truck loaded with 8000 gallons of fuel went over a guardrail and exploded. Fortunately, this did not happen out in the middle of the boondocks where such a spectacular event would have been wasted on the cows. No, this happened about a mile outside DC and within a half mile or so of the Pentagon (Thereby causing a brief sense of panic among nearby residents who feared another 9/11). Interstate 395, which is the principle route into the city from Virginia, ended up being closed in both directions for much of the morning rush hour. To make thing even more interesting, the burning fuel also got into the storm drains and sewers.

There was no immediate word on what effect this would have on the alligators that live down there.

______________________________________________________

And Wash Your Hands Afterwards
Lovers of great literature will be pleased to learn that Courtney Love is planning a tell-all book in which she plans to name names. It is not immediately clear if those will be the names of the men she's been with, or the names of the various viruses she's encountered. Either way, it should be a really thick book.

The first 1,000 thousand buyers will receive a complementary biohazard suit.

______________________________________________________

Heavenly Sightings

The International Space Station has been suffering from neglect and deferred maintenance since the US Shuttle fleet was grounded almost two years ago. Still, the mission goes on, and the Russians recently launched a robotic resupply mission with much needed food. The two craft will rendezvous on Christmas day.

Weather permitting, the International Space Station will be visible to the naked eye several times during the upcoming holidays. To us Earthbound observers, it will appear as a steady point of light moving swiftly across the night sky, trailing several thousand miles of debris, trash, and spare parts.

______________________________________________________

There Were Quite A Few Of Them Lying Around The Parking Lot

You know that expression about it being cold enough to freeze "your balls off?" That's pretty much describes today. The temperatures were in the single digits this morning in many areas, with windchills pushing -10. But that's okay, because the highs this afternoon were relatively balmy in the low 20's.

Where the hell's that global warming Bush promised us?

All this cold follows a relatively interesting afternoon yesterday. The front that came through first hit with rain, which quickly became snow. That transition was actually heralded by a few claps of thunder. There is something vaguely Armageddon-like about lightning during a blizzard.

After chipping the ice, snow, and minor glacial formations off my car this morning, I decided to run back inside for a few minutes to warm up. That's when I felt it: Something akin to large fuzzy marbles rolling down the inside of my pants leg. This was a somewhat disconcerting sensation, and when I looked to see what was going on, it turned out to be my testicles! That's right, my balls had quite literally frozen off!!

Anyway, I just used duct tape to reattach them, and everything seems to be fine now.

______________________________________________________

Official Crap Catcher

Poor Donald Rumsfeld. Things just getting worse for him. Last week he was catching a lot of crap over the lack of armor for the troops, and now he's in a new sandstorm of criticism because he wasn't personally signing the condolence letters to the families of those killed in Iraq. Instead, a machine was stamping his apparent signature on the letters while misleading family members into thinking he had done so himself.

So if I understand this correctly, not only was his negligence contributing to the high casulty count, he didn't feel it was worth his time to pick up a pen to express his remorse over the very deaths he was partially responsible for!

Now if that's not irony, I don't know what is.

At Least Homer Is Staying Put

In a surprise move, the Oakland A's have traded Mulder to the Cardinals.

Hell, I didn't even know he had left the 'X-Files!'

______________________________________________________

Christmas Greetings
Some how it just wouldn't be the holidays if you didn't hear from old friends, such as the guy who killed who killed 3000 Americans on a single day. Of course, that's not counting the hundreds of others killed in attacks overseas since 9/11.

But at least we caught Saddam! Now if only he had been threat....

Arson Arrest

Last week someone set fire to over two dozen homes under construction in Charles County, Maryland. Over ten million dollars worth of damage was done, and the case has been described as the largest arson case ever in that state's history. Early speculation was that eco terrorists were responsible since the development was in an environmentally sensitive area.

However, in what can only be described as a surprise development, authorities have arrested a security guard who worked at the site. It is not yet clear what his motive was.

More importantly, what the hell was he thinking? If someone supposedly sneaked in and set fire to all those homes on his shift, he would end up looking bad. On the other hand, the mere fact that he may turn out to be the person responsible also makes him look bad.... To put it mildly. So it's an obvious lose-lose situation!

Meanwhile, DC area baseball fans continue to seek DC Council Chairwoman Linda Cropp for singlehandedly torching DC's prospects for a baseball team.

______________________________________________________

Spit Happens

Scientists have discovered that a person can use spit to detect oral cancer, as well as certain other tumors.

Hmmm.... Maybe I can convince Britney Spears to let me give her an exam.

What's that? Spit can only detect tumors in yourself, not in someone else!?!

Well, don't tell her that, and maybe I'll still stand a chance!

Speaking of Britney, she recently took her pet poodle out to a fancy-schmancy restaurant in Vegas and ordered a $100 steak just for him. Sadly, it turned out the dog had better table manners than Britney's husband.

Lost And Not Found

One of my favorite shows on TV remains the ever intriguing 'Lost.' And in case there had been any doubt of my loyalty, it was erased last week with the 'Star Trek' reference.

Two of the characters were out searching for someone, and one of them had marking their trail with pieces of cloth torn from a red shirt. So He makes some reference about how he suddenly feels very expendable because of what always happens to the people with the red shirts on 'Star Trek.' Never having seen the show, the other guy doesn't understand the reference. So the first guy goes into this explanation about how Kirk would beam down to a planet with a group, and inevitably it would be some guy in the red shirt who ends up being eaten by the alien, or turned into a cube of salt, or vaporized in a surprise attack.

So the second guy thinks about this a moment and says, "I guess the Captain was a piss poor leader."

An interesting point, but probably not one I would bring up to Captain Kirk while he's cleaning his phaser.

I mention this up because 'Lost' is going into reruns for a while, and ABC is airing the first two episodes tomorrow (Wednesday) night. If you have any interest in checking out the show, this would be a good time to start.

______________________________________________________

Justice

For the past couple of weeks, Scott Peterson's attorneys have been parading family members and his close friends through the courtroom to talk about what a wonderful, caring human being he is. It was all very touching and moving, and I don't doubt that Scott really was an exemplary person.... Right up until the point he decided to chop his pregnant wife's head off and dump her body in the ocean. That's the sort of temporary lapse in judgement that--rightly or wrongly--tends to overshadow the time you helped change a total stranger's flat tire.

Today the jury proved that it wasn't moved by the warm fuzzy stories, and decided to sentence Scott Peterson to death.

I realize that most of the world considers capital punishment barbaric, but I have no problem with it in principle. If a person is guilty of deliberately killing another human being, then the death penalty is justified.

Some critics argue that it merely lowers society to the level of the murderer. Well, that may or may not be true. But it is true that the killer once made a deliberate decision to take another life. Therefore, if he or she has no problem with it, then why shouldn't the rest of us apply the same standard when it comes to meting out justice?

I will admit, however, that in the real world the death penalty is applied unevenly. All too often it is the poor and destitute who can't afford high priced legal talent who end up getting stuck with the ultimate penalty. And there have been too many recent cases in which it has turned out, thanks to advances in DNA testing, that the wrong person has been behind bars, or even on death row. Granted, to date there have been no proven cases of an innocent person being executed, but there have been close calls.

The problem isn't with the death penalty itself, but rather with the overall justice system. If we're going to sentence someone to die, we need to be damn sure that the person is truly guilty and not just the victim of an overworked public defender. But in cases where there really is no doubt--where the evidence is truly solid--there is no need to feel sorry for a cold blooded killer.

Spin Doctor

Chrysler has reluctantly agreed to recall 600,000 Dodge trucks and SUV's because the ball joints have a tendancy to fail. If that happens, the front suspension collapses and the wheel may come completely off. Even so, company spokesman Max Gates insists this is not a "safety issue."

Huh? A freaking wheel falling off at 60 mph is not a safety issue!?!?!

Anyone able to so completely ignore facts, shut out the real world, and exist in blissful state of absolute denial should consider getting a job with the Bush Administration.

The Atkins Diet Is So Yesterday
Some guy in Minnesota has come out with a new weight loss plan called the Northwoods Diet. This comes as the Atkins and South Beach diets are waning in popularity.

What the heck.... I may as well get rich by coming out my own plan for shedding pounds. I'm going to call it the "Put Down the F*cking Cupcakes and Get Up Off Your Fat Ass Diet."

________________________________________________________

---------------Oliphant

Happy Holidays, You're Fired!
Just in time for the holidays, America On Line has laid off 750 employees. The layoffs were prompted by the company's ongoing loss of subscribers. In fact, AOL has lost about 2 million customers over the past year.

However, no one was laid off at any of the company's call centers, so most AOL users shouldn't notice a deterioration in service.

On the other hand, how would anyone tell the difference?

________________________________________________________

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

________________________________________________________

Not Just for Gargling
Police in Des Moines, Iowa were called to check on a man who had been drinking mouthwash. Rescue squad workers were also summoned to the scene, but it turned out the man was fine, though somewhat inebriated. According to those who examined him, the man had been drinking mouthwash for some ten years now. And even though there are warnings on the bottles not to swallow the mouthwash, his body had come to tolerate the otherwise poisonous ingredients.

Well, the guy may be a drunk and a total failure as a human being, but at least he practices good oral hygiene.