Cloverfield: WOW!!!

When I first heard that Cloverfield was going to be about some creature that emerges from the ocean to terrorize lower Manhattan, I thought it was going to turn out to be just another cheesy monster movie.

Well, yes, it's true that it's a monster movie. But there ain't a damn thing that's cheesy about it.

First, some particulars. The film is relatively short. From the opening shots to the start of the closing credits, it's only an hour and fifteen minutes long. And while there's no musical score during the film itself, stay in your seat for the closing credits (which run about ten minutes). There's a truly fantastic orchestral piece called "Roar: The Cloverfield Overture" that rivals anything John Williams has ever come up with. So far there doesn't seem to be a download of it available anywhere, and there's no movie soundtrack, either.

(Update posted 4-23-08: I now have a clean version of Roar that I lifted from the DVD. However, I wasn't uploaded onto the site because it's over 1 meg in size. If you'd like it, email me and I will gladly send you the MP3 file.)

And what's the significance of the title Cloverfield? No explanation is ever given, except for a cryptic message at the very beginning. It states that the following video is from "case Designate 'Cloverfield' retrieved at incident site... Area formerly known as Central Park." That is the only mention of the name Cloverfield in the entire movie. However, if you've read some of the internet chatter over the last seven months, it turns out that director J.J. Abrams has offices on some street called "Cloverfield."

If you've seen some of the reviews, a lot is being made of the shaky camera work. However, it should be kept in mind that the entire film is in the form of an amateur video that was recorded over the course of one night. This also brings up an obvious comparison to The Blair Witch Project, a movie I've avoided specifically because of the constantly shaking picture. However, after seeing the sense of immediacy it provides in Cloverfield, I may go back and rent Blair Witch after all.

Personally, I'm not usually a fan of such handheld camera work. I tend to find it annoying and distracting. But in this case, it works wonderfully. In most films, you generally end up feeling like a spectator watching the action unfold. But with Cloverfield, that handheld camera puts you right in the middle of several very intense scenes that will have you barfing into your popcorn bucket.

At least that's what happened in my case. And I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to those who were sitting near me in the theater.

While it's never explained in what year the movie's events are taking place, the government's swift response to the crisis makes it obvious that President Bush has left office. Within the first hour or so, the military is on hand organizing the evacuation of the city. However, that comes to a grinding halt as the Brooklyn Bridge is destroyed with thousands of fleeing pedestrians on it.

That particular sequence does have one part that seems to be an error: The crowd on the bridge can see the headless remains of the Statue of Liberty maybe a mile or so away. To the best of my knowledge, however, that's not possible. The bridge is on one side of Manhattan while Liberty Island is on the opposite.

Aside from that apparent lapse, the movie is quite realistic. One of the most authentic looking scenes occurs when Lady Liberty's comes hurtling out of the sky and rolls to a stop in the middle of the street. A crowd quickly gathers, and people start pulling out their cellphones to snap pictures of it. I had to laugh.

As far as the creature itself is concerned, you only see some quick shots of its legs for most of the movie. Finally, towards the end, you finally do get to see the critter up close and personal in a scene that ends badly for the guy who's been carrying the camera. There are also some encounters with some smaller spider-like creatures that apparently "shed" themselves from the larger animal.

And if you're a Star Trek fan, there's a brief trailer for the next movie. That's not surprising, since Abrams is directing it as well. There's not a whole lot to it, however; mostly the trailer consists of some exterior shot of the Enterprise under construction.

Bottom line: Cloverfield is definitely worth the price of admission, but bring your Dramamine.... And stay through the closing credits.

FOLLOW UP INFORMATION, POSTED 6:30 AM, 1/19/08

Some people may be upset by Cloverfield's rather abrupt ending. Again, remember that the movie consists of a video recovered from a disaster site. Consequently there's never any explanation as to the origins of the monster, or how it is eventually killed. As with the final episode of The Sopranos, don't expect a clean and tidy resolution to the story.

The tape that is used to "document" the creature's attack on Manhattan was originally used to record some stuff between one of the characters and his girlfriend (No, not THAT kind of stuff.... Unfortunately). Consequently, as the guy with the camera occasionally stops recording the attack, snippets of the original recording show up during the playback. Those peaceful and serene scenes of fun times provide a stark contrast to the terror unfolding on the rest of the tape.

At the very end of Cloverfield you see a few seconds of the couple's visit to Coney Island. According to some people, in the background you can see an unknown object fall out of the sky and hit the water. This would strongly suggest that the Cloverfield creature is extraterrestrial in origin. If true, that would also mean that Bill O'Reilly is right: Aliens are destroying America!!

Finally, here's the Bad Astronomy review of Cloverfield. Overall he liked the movie but does list several "nitpicks," mostly dealing with physics and science. On the other hand, the Bush administration has never paid any attention to science, so why should anyone else?

One Way To Bond With Your Kid

A Wisconsin man, eager to demonstrate his loyalty to the Green Bay Packers, attached a team jersey to his seven year old son by wrapping him in tape. Some people are condemning Mathew Kowald's actions as being borderline crazy, but it should be noted that his son did refuse to wear the shirt.

Further proving that women just don't get football, the mother has taken out a restraining order against the father.

The Power Of Advertising

Who's Unpatriotic Now?

Former Michigan congressman Mark Deli Siljander has been arrested for aiding a so-called Muslim charity that was secretly funneling money to Al Qaeda. He was paid $ 50,000 by the group to lobby on their behalf.

Siljander served in Congress from 1981 to 1987. He was also appointed by then President Ronald Reagan to serve as a delegate to the United Nations. But what really makes this case bizarre is the fact that Siljander is a REPUBLICAN!!!

Well, I'm certainly confused as hell. Haven't Bush and Cheney spent the last seven years telling us that it's the Democrats who are supposedly unpatriotic?!?!?

Oh, What A Relief!

So I'm over at the Bad Astronomy blog last night and there's a post about the MESSENGER space craft which has begun returning photos of Mercury (Related subject: A recent NASA probe recently returned this gem of an image from Uranus). Well, there's nothing I enjoy more than surfing the internets and making intellectually stimulating comments on other people's sites. So that's why I left this little gem behind:

"I heard a rumor that Messenger was actually supposed to probe Venus but ended up at Mercury because of an English to metric conversion mistake by NASA."

I was quite proud of it, and I'm glad to report that the comment did not go unappreciated. Someone named Gary F. even took the time to straighten me out:

"That sounds pretty unlikely, it would be more likely to just fly off into space and be lost. MESSENGER (the acronym refers to Hermes/Mercury, the messenger of the gods) was designed to go to Mercury. You may be thinking of the Mars Climate Orbiter, which was lost because a Lockheed Martin engineering team used English units of measurement while NASA used metric."

It's a relief to know that someone is FINALLY taking me seriously!!

Head For The Hills...

...provided they're at least 20 feet above sea level.

A couple of disturbing developments have occurred in recent days in the exciting and expanding field of global warming.

First, new data shows that 2007 was the second warmest year on record (for those of you keeping score, another group of scientists says it was only the fifth warmest. WHOOPIE!). Both groups, however, are in agreement that seven of the eight warmest years on record have occurred since 2001.

The second item concerns Antarctica. For years, it has been assumed that the continent and its massive ice sheet were largely immune from global warming. New satellite mapping data, however, now suggests otherwise. And since Antarctica holds 90% of the world's ice, large scale melting there would have dire consequences for sea levels around the world.

There are skeptics out there who will continue to argue that global warming is not occurring. Or, IF it is occurring, it has not yet been linked to mankind's activities.

To be blunt, those people are retards.

What more proof do they need? The data is there, staring us in the face. The mechanism behind global warming is very well understood. To simply deny its existence doesn't cut it. Provide us with some compelling proof that the consensus of the world's scientific community is wrong! But to just say "I don't buy it" without looking at the facts is not a legitimate argument. It's just plain stupid.

On the other hand, there may actually be a scientific basis for the skeptics' denials. Rising levels of carbon dioxide in the Earth's atmosphere could be displacing the oxygen in their brains, thereby causing a massive die-off of neurons.

The Importance Of Saying Grace

Another Icon Falls

Teen singing sensation Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana has been caught using a body double during her current sellout tour. The fake Hanna was only on stage for a minute or so, and tour officials say the double is only used during costume changes. Still, considering that tickets are being scalped for hundreds--even thousands--of dollars, it raises serious questions. Even worse, this comes after allegations of lip-syncing.

Hell, if we can't trust Hannah Montana, WHO can we trust?!?!

Terminate This, Pal

Despite the Hollywood writers' strike, a few new shows continue to trickle onto the networks' schedules. These are mainly series for which the scripts were written last summer and fall. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, which had been intended as a mid-season replacement all along, is one example.

If you're not familiar with it, the show is based on the Terminator series of movies, which starred the Governor of California. The TV series takes place between the second and third movies, though it apparently takes some liberties with the timelines already established by the films.

When I first heard last fall that this show was coming, I pretty much dismissed it as being worthless trash that wouldn't be worth watching. So imagine my surprise when I saw that USA Today gave Sarah three and a half stars out of four. And considering how picky TV critics can be, that sounds pretty good.

Chief among the cast is Summer Glau as a "good" terminator sent back in time to protect Sarah and her obnoxious teenage savior of mankind, John. If you remember a short lived science fiction series called Firefly, you may also recall that Glau played the psychotic psychic, River.

And while Joss Whedon is not associated with this new show, the writer does compare it to Firefly and Buffy the Vampire Slayer because while it features intense action, it can also witty and funny at times.

Assuming I'm still sober enough after watching the Dallas Cowboys get their asses kicked by the Giants, I certainly plan to watch.

Part one of the premier airs tonight on Fox at 8 PM and concludes tomorrow night.

Endangered Species

America's Electile Dysfunction Explained

In case you're wondering how the American electoral system works, here's a quick primer: It doesn't.

What? You want more detail? Okay, here goes....

The first thing to keep in mind is that unlike Prime Ministers in other countries, the President is completely independent of Congress. He (or she) is elected separately, serves separately, and may or may not be of the same political party that controls Congress.

His term of office, as you probably already know, is four years. That's written into the Constitution itself. If it helps in remembering, presidential elections are held in leap years. That's purely by coincidence; the Constitution was adopted in--and George Washington first elected in--1788, which just happened to be a leap year.

The campaign season is another story, however. Especially when you don't have a President running for re-election (the 22nd amendment, ratified in 1951, limits Presidents to two terms), you get a lot of people jockeying for position. A big part of that involves getting your name out in front of the public. Consequently, the sooner you start, the more people will have time to get to know your name and face. The downside of that is if you look like Dennis Kucinich, the more people get to know your face, the LESS popular you become.

Unfortunately, a big part of this name recognition process also involves fundraising. That raises the very real possibility that a particular candidate will become beholden to some interest group or another that made huge donations. By law there are limits to how much individual donors can give, but there are also ways around that. For example, that Swift Boaters for Truth group that helped torpedo John Kerry's campaign in 2004 weren't actually part of the Bush campaign organization. Consequently, they were exempt from fundraising limits.

The two major parties--Democrats and Republicans--select their eventual presidential nominees based on how many delegates they're accumulated. This selection process is done either by caucuses in which citizens meet locally, or through primary elections in which people vote in regular polling places as in an election. In some states those primaries are restricted by parties. In other words, only registered Republicans can vote in the Republican primary, and only Democrats in the Democratic primary. In other states it's an "open" primary, which means you can vote in either party's primary.

The rules vary state to state, and are set by the two political parties. The number of delegates selected by each state is dependent on the state's population.

This brings up an interesting question: Why do Iowa and New Hampshire-two very small states--so damn important in the selection of presidential candidates? Quite frankly, it's just tradition. And while the number of delegates supplied by each of these two states is tiny, their outcomes carry a lot of weight simply because they very quickly establish a candidate's momentum.

In the past the Iowa and New Hampshire contests used to take place in late February. This year, however, a number of other states moved up their primaries (or caucuses) because they wanted to get more attention from the candidates. And since both Iowa and New Hampshire wanted to maintain their early status, they kept moving their contest up just to stay ahead of everyone else. For example, California used to have its primary in June. Well, by that time the nominees had pretty much already been decided. Consequently, candidates rarely bothered to campaign there. This year, however, California will vote on February 5.

A childish pissing contest? Well, yes.

At any rate, the jockeying for position got so bad this time around that both national parties eventually stepped in and put a stop to it. They actually threatened to deny some states their delegates if they didn't behave.

Finally there's what's called the Electoral College. No football team, but they don't need one. Technically, it's the group that actually elects the President.

When we mere mortals vote on the first Tuesday of November, we're not really voting for an individual. We're actually voting for a slate of electors pledged to a particular candidate, be it Democrat, Republican, or whatever. These people are generally party loyalists like state legislators or other officials. Each state is allocated a number of electors equal to their total of congressional representatives and Senators (every state has two Senators; the number of representatives is based on a state's population). For example, Virginia has 11 representatives and two Senators, which translates to 13 electoral votes.

In almost all cases (one or two small states allocate by congressional district), it's a winner take all for a state's electors. Which ever candidate wins the popular vote, wins ALL the electoral votes for that state. Theoretically electors could vote for a different candidate than for whom they were pledged. On very rare occasions an elector has actually done so. However, it's never been enough to throw an election to a different candidate.

So why do we have the electoral college? The founding fathers created it and wrote it into the Constitution as a way of getting smaller states to ratify the document. The idea is that it limits how much influence a big state can have in selecting Presidents. It's also how Bush managed to win the presidency in 2000 even though Gore had more popular votes.

So is this a f*cked up system compared to how other countries do it? Is it wildly inefficient? Does it reduce presidential candidates to the level of American Idol contestants? The answer is a big fat YES to all those questions.

But we're also the guys who keep rescuing the rest of you from the Germans, so we must be doing something right.

See also 'Splaining the Electoral College

Good Time For A New Direction

The Check Is In The Mail

There are few things more embarrassing than having your phone disconnected because you haven't paid the bill.... Especially when you're the FBI.

Yes, it seems that the FBI hasn't been paying its phone bills. Consequently, a number of phone taps have been disconnected, resulting in lost evidence and blown cases. In some instances, the effected cases were active terror investigations.

What makes this story somewhat ironic is that these same phone companies are the ones who were so eager to help the government that they allowed phone taps without warrants in the first place. But while they had no problem stretching the limits of the law, they're not so gracious when they don't get paid.

By The Bacon's Early Light

Chinese scientists have succeeded in implanting glow-in-the-dark genes into a female pig. Interesting, but not necessarily that impressive. Korean scientists recently did the same thing with fish. But what does make the Chinese accomplishment a major breakthrough is that the momma hog has successfully passed the genes on to her piglets which now also glow fluorescent green.

Well, that should certainly make it easier to prepare breakfast in the dark.

Hillary Pulls It Out Of Her Pantsuit

What the heck happened in New Hampshire yesterday? Barrack "The Black Dude" Obama was positioned to win a double digit victory in the Democratic primary and effectively eliminate Hillary "The Woman Dude" Clinton from the race. At least that was the conventional wisdom, and it was backed up with the latest poll numbers. But the former First Lady managed to somehow pull out a narrow victory. That's like the New York Yankees winning the Super Bowl!!

Well, okay, maybe it's not like that at all. But it's still pretty darn amazing.

It also serves to extend the contest for the Democratic nomination for at least a few more weeks. This is also important for the American economy because it means all those pundits and pollsters on CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC will have jobs for a little bit longer.

Meanwhile, on the Republican side, John "The Really Old Dude" McCain managed to get one for his win column. Not a major surprise there, since the race was considered a toss up between him and Mitt "The Mormon Dude" Romney. Mike "Vote For Me Or God Will Condemn Your Soul Straight To Burn In The Eternal Flames Of Hell Dude" Huckabee, who won the Iowa caucus thingie last week, never seriously campaigned in New Hampshire and wasn't considered much of a contender in the state.

End Of An Era

When Joe Gibbs returned in 2004 as coach of the Washington Redskins, it raised the hopes of longtime fans of the team. During his previous 12 year stint he led the team to four Super Bowl appearances, winning three of them. He amassed a winning record that was among the highest in the NFL and earned himself a spot in the Hall of Fame.

Still, there was some concern whether Gibbs could live up to expectations. After all, he was such a revered figure in Washington sports. And given the long famine of winning seasons the team endured after his departure, his legend had only grown. All this led to concerns in some quarters that if Gibbs didn't succeed in turning around the team's fortunes, he would end up tarnishing his image.

Unfortunately, that's pretty much where things stand at the moment. It's also where they will stay, for Gibbs resigned from the team earlier today.

Others will argue about why he couldn't fully repeat his past glories. They'll say that the NFL has passed him by, that the game had changed to such an extent that he couldn't adapt his own coaching style.

Whatever. In the end, football is just a game.

What IS important, and what hasn't changed, is that Gibbs is a good and decent man. He should know that whatever else may be said in the coming days, he still has a strong following of fans who appreciate him, and who wish him nothing but best in his future endeavors.

Copping Out

Steven B. Rivas of Fairfax, Virginia got a little bored this past weekend. So he decided that one o'clock in the morning would be a good time to test those new flashing blue lights he had installed in the grill of his Ford Explorer. But merely turning on the lights wasn't enough, so he took it a step further by playing cop and pulling over a car. Sounds pretty good so far, right?

Well, the motorist had the nerve to ask to see Rivas' badge. He said he had to go back to his car to retrieve it. He went back to his car, then drove off with his little blue lights still flashing.

Unfortunately for Mr. Rivas, that wasn't quite the end of the story. You see, he didn't pull over just any ol' motorist. He picked an off duty nine year veteran of the Fairfax County Police, and she had the nerve to make note of his license plate number.

Rivas would have been better off buying a lottery ticket. With odds like that, he could have retired on his winnings.

Instead Rivas is currently in the Fairfax county jail with no bond and no court date.

No word on who got custody of his little blue lights.

Up Your Asteroid, Pal

For anyone looking for something new to worry about it, here's a list of recent and upcoming close approaches by asteroids. You'll be glad to know that one just missed us by about half the distance to the moon on December 27. It was a fairly small one, measuring less than 42 meters in diameter.

Still, that's enough to leave a bit of a ding in your hood if it were to hit.

Hungary For Some Turkey

All too often blonds get a bum rap for being dumb. Miss Teen South Carolina certainly did her part to help dispel that baseless myth, and hopefully the following young lady will as well.

Wired One Last Time

Quality choices on American TV are drying up faster than Britney Spears in detox. That's what makes tonight's premier of the fifth and final season of HBO's The Wire all the more welcome. Filming actually wrapped up last summer, so that's why it's now available.

If you've never watched the show before, it may be a little tough to get to know the back stories of the various characters. Still, make the effort and you will be rewarded. That's just how the show is. Any given episode doesn't do much on its own. But taken as a whole, each season individual is a remarkable feat of storytelling. What seems to work best for me is saving the first few episodes, then watching them on subsequent nights. That way, I never have a chance to forget who's who. (My season four writeup)

Alternatively, go to Netflix and add the DVD's to your queue starting with season one. It's better than watching American Gladiators and the rest of the reality crap the broadcast networks are resorting to.

Hi-Def Jam Up

Even as high definition televisions continue to increase in popularity, a bitter fight is taking place in the area of hi-def DVD's. The struggle is between HD DVD and Blu-Ray. In some ways, the competition is similar to the Beta/VHS battles of the 1980's. Two rival formats, completely incompatible, backed by different manufacturers.

One very important, however, difference has been 20 years ago, movies were always in BOTH Beta and VHS. For the most part, that has not been the case with the current DVD fight. Studios generally aligned themselves with only one of the two formats. For example, if you wanted the recent Simpsons Movie in hi-def, it was only available on Blu-Ray. That means if you have an HD DVD player, you were crap out of luck.

The only ways around this dilemma are to either buy TWO different DVD players, or purchase one of the few units that can handle both discs. Either alternative is expensive.

One of the few studios that had been an exception to this insanity was Warner Brothers. They had been releasing their movies in BOTH HD DVD and Blu-Ray.

That's now changing, however, with the announcement by Warner Brothers that in the future, their hi-def releases will only be available on Blu-Ray. It's the fifth disc producer to go exclusively with Sony's system. Only two are sticking with Toshiba's HD DVD. So while Sony's Beta system may have lost the earlier conflict, it now looks like they may win this one.

Personally, of the two rivals I've always preferred Blu-Ray. And the reason has nothing to do with the specs, or the lines of resolution, or that indecipherable 1080 crap, or the choice of movies. It's simply that the term "Blu-Ray" sounds w-a-a-a-y cooler than "HD DVD."

Nothing beats an educated consumer, eh?

Retraction

You know all those wonderful things I said about the Redskins this morning? I take them back. They suck.

Not that I'm a fair weather fan....

Hail To The Redskins

This season has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride for the Washington Redskins. After starting out with two straight wins, things were looking bright. By midseason, however, they found themselves on a sustained losing streak, including an embarrassing 52-7 loss to the (still) undefeated Patriots.

But the low point was yet to come. That was the violent death of Sean Taylor in a home invasion.

If nothing else, my perception of team owner Dan Snyder changed a great deal during that sad week. I had never particularly cared for him, and along with many other fans, thought he had driven the team into the ground. However, he--as much as head coach Joe Gibbs--became the public face of the Redskins during that week of mourning. Snyder took charge but never once overdid it, and seemed to handle everything with just the right amount of emotions. Though I hate to admit it, my respect for the man increased tenfold.

Just when it seemed things couldn't get worse, starting quarterback Jason Campbell was injured early in a game against the Bears. His replacement was backup quarterback Todd Collins, a 36 year old benchwarmer who hadn't started an NFL game in ten years and was on the cusp of retirement.

And what does Collins do? Leads the 'Skins from behind to beat the Bears, ending his team's four game losing streak. Collins went on to engineer three more impressive wins, including a 27-6 trouncing of the evil Dallas Cowboys.

The Redskins now improbably find themselves in the playoffs and will be facing the Seahawks in Seattle this afternoon. However that game turns out, the team deserves a lot of credit for what they've managed to accomplish this year.

American Gothic, 2008

Meltdown

Much of southern California was evacuated yesterday because of a catastrophic meltdown. No, this particular meltdown was NOT at a nuclear power plant. It was at Britney Spears' house, and it apparently wasn't pretty.

Police were called to the pop star's home yesterday when she refused to surrender her children after a visitation. The situation apparently deteriorated further and paramedics were summoned. They eventually carted Spears off to the hospital. It's unclear why, though some reports indicate she was on something. If that wasn't bad enough, today a judge granted full sole custody of her two children to their father, Kevin Federline.

Three years ago, when the couple first got married, only a lunatic would have predicted that Federline would turn out to be the responsible parent in this relationship.

A Major Win For Ignorance And Stupidity

Congratulations are in order to the Republicans of Iowa. They gathered together and succeeded in handing victory to a man who is totally unelectable in a national election. It also amplifies the fatal disease which that has seized control of the former party of Ronald Reagan: Government by the Bible and for the Bible, under the Bible for which it stands.

Huckabee, a former Baptist minister, can thank the Evangelicals of Iowa for his big win. They turned out in vast numbers to back his candidacy. And a major subset of that group was the home-school movement. Yes, in America parents are allowed to teach their children at home. And you can rest assured that these folks are basing their children's entire education on their interpretation of the Bible. And you wonder where creationists come from? Well, let's just say it's a safe bet these kids aren't learning about silly scientifically proven ideas like evolution.

Is it any wonder why American children rank so low on international tests of math and science?

That said, Huckabee's win is a triumph of good organizational skills. Two months ago he was a virtual unknown; today--and at least until New Hampshire votes next week--he is the Republican front runner.

Oh, wait, sorry. My bad. His win is NOT due to organizational skills.

A couple of weeks ago, Huckabee was asked about his sudden surge in the polls. His explanation?

"There's only one explanation for it, and it's not a human one. It's the same power that helped a little boy with two fish and five loaves feed a crowd of 5,000."

So there you have it. What people think no longer matters. A candidate's stands on taxes, or the Iraq war, or transportation issues, or national defense, or the erosion of the Bill of Rights no longer matter. It's God himself calling the shots. Plus, the big guy is somehow hacking into the computers of the various pollsters and doctoring the numbers.

Such attitudes are frightening because they absolve national leaders of any sense of personal responsibility. Case in point: A few years ago George W. Bush famously said that he had consulted God before deciding to invade Iraq.

Quite frankly, God's track record has been kind of spotty lately.

A Great Idea For A Reality TV Show

A 25 year old Washington state woman was arrested for assault after she and her boyfriend got into a naked fight. The couple was preparing to take a shower together when the woman asked the man to keep his dog out of the bathroom. The man refused, remarked that maybe his next girlfriend would be more of a pet lover, and then called the woman some sort of name.

Now I'm just guessing here, but I'm going to say that it was a four letter term for a part of the female anatomy beginning with the letter "c" and rhyming with something football teams do a lot on fourth downs.

It's been my experience that women really, really, really, REALLY don't like that word, which would explain what happened next: The woman punched the man in the face "several times," dislocated his shoulder, and threw a picture frame at him. The glass shattered and cut the man. Again, all this is taking place while they're naked.

The woman was arrested and is being held on $50,000 bond.

The man, meanwhile, is no doubt enduring public humiliation for letting a girl kick his ass.

Oh, You Have A Plasma TV? How.... Quaint.

Did you recently buy the latest and greatest in high definition televisions? Are you proud of that 42" 1080i LCD? Or maybe you went all out with a 54" 1080p plasma? More importantly, do I have the foggiest notion what that 1080 crap even means? No, of course not. No one does. It's just a concerted effort by electronics sales people to make the rest of us feel stupid.

At any rate, if you did recently give in and buy a new HDTV, you may as well haul it out to the dumpster. It's about to become the 8-track player of tomorrow.

Mitsubishi is about to unveil a television that uses lasers to project television images. And apparently the picture quality will put to shame anything else that's currently on the market. Specifically, laser TV's will be capable of reproducing 90% of the colors visible to the human eye. That compares with about 40% for the current crop of plasma and LCD screens.

Two Minute Warning

My God Can Beat Up Your God

Fontle This

It's a brand new year, and thus time for New Year's resolutions. I've considered any number of them: Diet & regular exercise; Improving my personal hygiene; Being nicer to my fellow man; Cease mocking those less fortunate than I; Flossing on a daily basis instead of only the day before a dental appointment; Stop leaving my trash in front of my neighbors' doors because I'm too lazy to carry it all the way to the dumpster; Keeping an open mind about George Bush; Being more tolerant of the Christian right; Admitting that Bill O'Reilly, Anne Coulter, and the rest of the lunatics at Fox News have views worth considering. These are all worthy goals, and taken together they would certainly have made me a better human being.

That's why I instead decided to change the font on the blog. I also increased the size of the main text slightly.

If you find that the new typeface is royally pissing you off, let me know so I can respectfully consider your opinion before totally dismissing it as the meaningless ravings of a lunatic mind.... Kind of like how I do with Bill O'Reilly.

The Ol' In & Out

For those of you that are into that in & out thing, the Washington Post has come out with their 30th annual list.

An Inconvenient Year

While Dave Barry has retired from writing his weekly columns, he continues to grace us with his annual "histories" of the previous year. In fact, it has become such a tradition that one can argue there can be no new year until Barry himself says that the old one is over.

Those of you who jumped the gun and have already invested in 2008 calendars can relax. It's now official: 2007: An Inconvenient Year is out. Enjoy.

Previous Dave Barry year in review columns:
2006: That Blasted Year
2005: A year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
2004: No Thanks for the Memories
2003: Between Iraq and a Hard Place
Getting to the Bottom of 2002
None for 2001
2000 Year in Review
1999: A Look Back at the Millennium

Almost Perfect

In team sports, few things are as difficult as achieving the perfect season. In the National Football League, only the 1972 Miami Dolphins have ever done it. They went 17-0: Undefeated through 14 regular season games, the playoffs, and the Super Bowl.

Last night the New England Patriots completed the (now) 16 game regular season unbeaten. They achieved it last night by knocking off the New York Giants. But the game was by no means a cakewalk for the Patriots, and that's what made last night's contest so great.

Apparently the Giants never got the memo that this was supposed to be New England's coronation, and they put up one helluva a fight. At one point in the second half, they even led by 12 points. That's impressive, because no other team this year has led the Patriots by such a large margin. But in the fourth quarter, Tom Brady and the rest of the Patriots demonstrated why they're so awesome by retaking the lead and holding on to it.

Despite all the accolades, the Patriots aren't quite on par with those Dolphins. They still have to win two playoff games and the Super Bowl before they can truly claim the title of a perfect season. A loss in the next three games will only get them branded as chokers. Fair? No, probably not. But it's accurate.

A couple of side notes about the Dolphins' 1972 record: The team they defeated in the Super Bowl was none other than the Washington Redskins, and the final score was 14-7. I mention that because the 'Skins came close to spoiling the party.

At the time, the goal posts were still located at the beginning of the end zone, at what's essentially the zero yard line. That's significant, because one of Redskin quarterback Billy Kilmer's passes hit the crossbar. Had that not happened, would the play have ended with a touchdown? Hard to say, but one can always dream.

Also, the last game the Dolphins lost before embarking on their perfect season was a preseason exhibition game.... In DC's RFK stadium against none other than those same Redskins.

Reed All About It

A new survey names Minneapolis and Seattle as the two most literate cities in the United States. The criteria included things such as the number of bookstores and libraries per capita, as well as newspaper and magazine circulation figures.

Sounds interesting and I can hardly wait for the movie version to come out.... Which probably explains why I don't live in Minneapolis or Seattle.

The Twelve Pains Of Christmas

Christmas itself is over, but we've only just begun the so-called twelve days of Christmas. In fact, just today, I was busy delivering pairs of turtle doves to my friends and family. And I was planning to do the French hens tomorrow, except the bastards from PETA just showed up and confiscated them all.

The song in this video is from the Bob Rivers Comedy Group. Rivers is a DJ in the Seattle area and has come up with some of the best Christmas parodies you'll ever hear (here's a sampling).

So enjoy the song. And if anyone needs me, I'll be out in the barn milking the maids.

A Star To Follow?

Phil at Bad Astronomy has an interesting post about the (alleged) Star of Bethlehem. Basically, it says that over the years various astronomers have tried to pinpoint the particular celestial event that would have accounted for it. The bottom line, unfortunately, is that it apparently never happened. There is no planetary alignment or supernova that would have accounted for it, and no other cultures have any record of such a "star" at that time.

But then Phil proceeds to further analyze the biblical passages which describe the event, and the bottom line is that it just doesn't make sense. The Bible, for example, says that the three Wise Guys came "from the east to Jerusalem," then later says that they saw the star "in the east."

If they saw they star in the east and traveled towards it, then yes, they would have been moving east. But the other passage says they came from the east, in which case they would have been traveling west.

Hmmmm.... Bit of a contradiction, eh?

Then there's the whole question of the Earth's rotation and how that would have affected the star's apparent location. Granted, it would have risen in the east, but then it would have traveled across the night sky and eventually set in the west. So if the Magi truly kept following the star, they would have ended up going in circles, getting sick, throwing up, becoming dehydrated, and eventually dying in the desert. Then Jesus would never have received his gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Over the subsequent years he would have grown up to be a bitter and vindicative savior.

Hmmm.... Come think of it, that's exactly how many evangelicals portray him.

No record exists of whether their camels were equipped with GPS units, like a Magellan. Then archeologists should, theoretically, be able to boot them up and retrace the precise route of the Magi.... Assuming, of course, that the batteries still work after 2,000 years.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: "Lugosi, you're a blasphemous idiot. That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. There's no way they could have had Magellans. Magellan wasn't born for another 1500 years AFTER the birth of Christ!!"

A good point, and one that I'm very well aware of. That's why I said "LIKE a Magellan." More likely, it would have been some other brand, such as a Pontius Pilot.

Yeah, I'm gonna burn for that one.

Giving Forehead

For those of you lucky enough to have never seen the Head On commercial, here's a shortened three minute version of it.

I Need To Get A Life

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12 Days Of, Um, Something

If you listen carefully, there's a great rendition of Toto's 'Out of Africa' buried in this mess.

Speaking Of Virgin Births....

America's once powerful economy is continuing its downward spiral into oblivion.

Foreclosures are on the rise, as is homelessness. Home ownership, once considered almost a birthright, is rapidly becoming a luxury affordable only to the rich.

The nation's once powerful automotive industry has become a joke. Ford and General Motors continue to lose millions. Chrysler's money woes almost dragged down Mercedes Benz until the German carmaker finally unloaded the company.

Our movie industry, once the envy of the world, is stalled thanks to the screenwriters' strike. Without new scripts, there will be no more Shrek sequels.

Credit card debt continues to rise while savings continue to decline. The national debt, if broken down into pennies and laid edge to edge, would stretch 14 billion light years to the very edge of the known universe.

The dollar continues to lose value in relation to virtually every other currency on the planet. Some oil producing nations have already begun using Euros instead of dollars.

And if all that isn't alarming enough, now it turns out Britney's 16 year old sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant.

Hell, if people as rich as her can't afford a damn rubber, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Fun Facts About Xmas Guaranteed To Piss Off Christians

Over the last several years quite a controversy has erupted over the use of the term "happy holidays." I personally used to favor it only because it seemed like a shorter way of saying "merry Christmas and happy new year." But then somehow political correctness crept into the matter, at which point quite a few people began getting their panties in a wad over what they perceived as a war on Christmas.

I used to think the whole debate was just plain silly. Did it really matter which term you used? By arguing the point, weren't we in fact losing sight of the real meaning of the season?

That is why I finally decided to make a stand. It's time to forget the happy holidays crap and return to the TRUE roots of Christmas.... And it has nothing to do with a baby named Jesus.

Saturnalia was a Roman festival that was celebrated around the time of the winter solstice.

"Saturnalia was a big holiday- businesses and courts closed for days. The halls were decked with holly branches and evergreen wreaths. People visited family and attended lavish banquets and holiday parties. Gifts of silver, candles, figurines, and sweets (often tied to evergreen wreaths) were exchanged. It was also customary to light candles and roam the streets singing holiday songs (albeit often in the nude). Even the "Christmas Tree" was a common sight."

So there you have it: Christmas traces its origins to an ancient pagan holiday.

Another interesting bit about Christmas concerns that whole "Xmas" thing. Many religious conservatives decry that as some sort of blasphemous abbreviation. Some have even called the use of the "X" as some sort of attempt to cross Christ out of Christmas.

Well, as it turns out, "X" was commonly used by the Greeks as an abbreviation for Christ. And why should we care about that? Well, Greek was the original language of the Bible. So if you want to ban the use of "Xmas," that's fine, but be aware that you will be banished to an eternity in the fiery bowels of perdition for disparaging the Bible.

I'm seriously tempted to explain all this to Fox News' Bill O'Reilly just to see if his head explodes.

Blowing Your Top

Are you tired of Christmas shopping? Frazzled trying to get your cards out? Sick of hearing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" for the umpteenth time? Would you like a diversion to get your mind off the stress that comes with this time of year?

Then I have just thing for you: A massive volcanic eruption that would decimate much of North America, cause worldwide starvation, and plunge the entire planet into an ice age, thus shutting up Al Gore.

While not widely known, the fact is that much of Yellowstone National Park is actually the caldera of a massive super-volcano. In fact, it's that ongoing geologic activity that causes all those geysers. The last such eruption was over 600,000 years ago, spewing forth an estimated 240 cubic miles of material. Mount St. Helens, on the other hand, only coughed up a quarter of a cubic mile of material.

A similar super eruption 70,000 years in Indonesia is believed to caused worldwide climate changes that led to a die-off of most humans on the planet at the time. So far at least, Pat Robertson hasn't explained what God was punishing mankind for at the time. Just a guess, but maybe Neanderthals had begun allowing gay marriage.

Scientists say there is no need for immediate worry even as they continue to monitor the area. A reminder of the of ongoing activity are measurements showing that parts of the park rise and fall periodically. For example, Yellowstone rose almost three feet between 1924 and 1985, then began to sink. In 2004, it began rising again. It is believed that the cause of all this is a large magma chamber that sits several miles below the surface. Periodic infusions of molten rock may be pressing on the chamber, which in turn are causing the changes on the surface.

One sure sign that an eruption is imminent would be if scientists begin fleeing the area and packing their bags for Australia.

Cylon Santa

Even if you're not a Battlestar Galactica fan, this video is still worth seeing (found at Bay of Fundie).

Unplanned Obsolescence

At the risk of sounding like a Luddite, the world as we know it is rapidly becoming obsolete. In fact, no sooner do we think we're all caught up, we find ourselves out of date again.

First it was 8-tracks, followed by LP's and cassettes. Now even CD's are giving way to downloads. Got a 30 gig iPod when they first came out? Forget it. They're puny next to the new 80 gig models.

Beta lost out to VHS, which then lost out to DVDs. Now those are about to lose out to HD DVD and Blu Ray.

Still love that 36 inch TV you bought five years ago? Well, as of February 17, 2009, it will become almost as worthless as your house. That's when analog TV signals will be cease to be broadcast, replaced by digital technology.

Do you love your kitty? Time to get rid of him or her in favor of one of the new glow-in-the-dark models.

Science and knowledge? That's so yesterday. It's faith and ignorance that are the wave of the future.

Here's one that may surprise you: If you have any incandescent light bulbs, enjoy them while you can. Under a provision of a recently passed energy bill, those kind of bulbs will be phased out over the next decade or so and replaced by fluorescent, halogen, and other energy efficient bulbs.

What will be the next to go? Underwear? Maybe it will turn out that Britney was merely ahead of her time.

Learning Experience

The northeastern U.S. has gotten clobbered by another major snowstorm. Schools were forced to close for today, highways are shut down, shopping plans have been put on hold, several deaths have been reported, and most startling of all, a U.S. Airways jet slid off a runway in Rhode Island.

Who'd have thought Rhode Island was big enough to hold an airport!?!

Anybody Got Steve Jobs' Phone Number?

There's been a lot of talk the last several days about the glow in the dark cats that South Korean scientists have cloned. However, there's a dirty little secret: They only glow when exposed to ultraviolet light.

Huh? Ultraviolet light? What the hell is that? When I go down to the supermarket, I see 60 watt bulbs, 75 watt bulbs, 100 watt bulbs, fluorescent light bulbs, bulbs for your oven, and bulbs for plants. One thing I DON'T see, however, are ultraviolet light bulbs. Is that even something you and I can buy in a store? Or will we need to lock ourselves in a tanning bed with the cat to see it glow?

If the cat only glows when exposed to ultraviolet light, what's the point?

Now if some scientist produced a cat with a built in USB port and an eight gig flash drive that you could download music onto, THEN maybe I might get a little excited. And I don't think I need to tell you where the earphone jack would be....

Hmmmm.... I may have just invented Apple's next hot item: The iCat.

Cloverfield Update

Remember the mysterious movie that is due to come out next month? A new, slightly more extensive trailer has come out. And while J.J. Abrams has certainly established his credentials on TV with shows like Alias and Lost, this thing, unfortunately, is starting to look more like some sort of cheesy monster movie.

Expanding Our Horizons Of Knowledge

Czhuc raised an interesting point in a comment to yesterday's post about creationism and evolution:

'And what about hobbits and elves? Did they dwell the earth before or after the dinosaurs?'

A very good question, and one that exposes a serious flaw in the theory of evolution. However, a careful reading of the works of Tolkien, as well as other respected scholarly sources (the Shrek movies) has enabled me to fill in some of the gaps.

Hobbits and elves--as well as dwarves and fairies--were contemporary to the time of dinosaurs. In fact, Elves were the first to tame flying dragons, which were a genetic cousin of dinosaurs. Then when Adam and Eve appeared in the Garden of Eden, they used the techniques first pioneered by Elves to domesticate other land-based dinosaurs. The Tyrannosaurus Rex, with its powerful hind legs, proved to be quite adept at pulling a plow. Later, it was a dispute over the ownership of a Brachiosaurus that led to the fatal fight between Caine and Abel.