Westboro Baptist ChurchComes Out in Support of My Argument

Is there a wackier bunch of religious fruitcakes in this country than the Westboro Baptist Church?

That's the group that's best known for showing up at the funerals of servicemembers killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, and screaming that our soldiers are dying because God is punishing America for being lenient towards gays.

While I tend to find their tactics tasteless and reprehensible, I do find some merit in their overall message. I have long argued that God has lousy aim. For example, some have said that New Orleans was hit by Hurricane Katrina as punishment for its godless lifestyle. The only problem is that the French Quarter, which is where all the sinful behavior takes place, was spared by the storm. It was the poor black citizens of the city that ended up floating in the streets. Likewise, when Massachusetts legalized same sex marriages, God unleashed his wrath by sending tornadoes to Alabama, located some 1,000 miles away. Consequently, if you want to argue that the lord punishes us for our sinful ways, you also have to accept that for an omnipotent being, he has some really lousy ass aim.

That's why I find Westboro's theory about God's vengeance so fascinating. Because several states in this country have legalized same sex unions, God has decided to punish us by killing our soldiers located halfway around the world!?!? In other words, instead of missing his target by only a thousand miles, God is actually off by TEN thousand miles!!! WOW!!!!! It's truly humbling to have a prestigious group like the Westboro Baptist Church agree with me.

The obvious culprit here is plate tectonics. God is working from a really REALLY old set of maps. However, because of continental drift, his intended targets have moved to the other side of the planet.

Anyway, I bring all this up because the Westboro fun bunch was in town last week. To their credit, however, this time they did not target a funeral. Good thing, because then they might have ended up looking like idiots.

No, this time their target was a high school in Bethesda Maryland. And what, you may ask, did the students do to offend the Westboro folk? Well, their school is named after the poet Walt Whitman. So what's the problem, you ask? Shame on you for not knowing, you godless heathen!!! May you burn in hell for all eternity!!! As punishment for your wicked ways, God will unleash an earthquake upon some unsuspecting village in China!!!

Where was I? Oh, right. Walt Whitman the poet may or may not have been a homosexual. No one is quite sure, but the possibility is there.

So there you have it. That's why the group left their home base in Kansas and drove halfway across the country. They wanted to visit a school named after someone of questionable sexual orientation.

If you ask me, the members of Westboro Baptist Church spend a suspiciously inordinate amount of time thinking about gay sex.